Anyone here that can honestly say they've never cheated?

[NotASkunk]

I never cheated when I was him my relationship that was 10 years long. We had a lot of turmoil in our relationship and I was accused of cheating from the get go. I'm It turns out that he had cheated from the get-go! Beware of people who accuse you of cheating… There's a reason they're accusing you. I had told my ex that I could and would cheat on him to try to hurt him because he was hurting me so badly with his accusations. It is so easy for women to cheat and get laid if they wanted to but I was so into this relationship for the long term, I was so delighted to be with somebody that I loved and respected as much as I did him. To be accused of cheating right away put me on my guard. I knew how I could hurt him and that's the way went about it when we were in horrible fights. I can't deal with men who are insecure now, I can't even be in a relationship for fear of being judged harshly. I'm getting better and trying to get over what he did to me but man, if you are with somebody don't accuse them of cheating unless you have solid evidence. You're paranoid trust issues don't have any place in a new relationship. Get treatment for those things before you even endeavor to become part of a couple again. Right now I'm with a man who treats me really well And I love being with him and he makes me incredibly happy but I hold him at arms length because I'm so scared of the dark side of being in a relationship. Trying to heal.

[bebe23]

Married 20 years and I have NEVER cheated.

 

Except with fictional characters and dead historical figures. So if you call reading a romantic "Hamilton" fanfiction story and imagining yourself in that time and world, then...

[mightycpa]

I jumped in my time machine to head back to when I was 17 so I could answer this question YES.

 

But I couldn't log on, because the internet didn't exist yet.

 

Depends on how you define cheating. When wife and I had been together about a month (dating, not married), she was out of town visiting her family. Horny and crazy ex-GF called me, and after we were on the phone a bit with some phone sex, she drove down to my house during the night. Ended up having sex with her multiple times that night and next morning, but felt terrible and told her that she had to leave. She went postal on me, and even contacted me a couple of weeks later to say she'd be in town, but never saw her again.

Did you ever tell your wife? Because that would tell me if you considered it cheating or not.

[RedBaron2765]

I jumped in my time machine to head back to when I was 17 so I could answer this question YES.

 

But I couldn't log on, because the internet didn't exist yet.

 

Did you ever tell your wife? Because that would tell me if you considered it cheating or not.

 

Nope, never have and never will. It was a long time ago.

[BG1]

Never cheated. I had 2 LDR for a while and I stayed loyal as long as I'm in the relationship. When single I mingle, when in a relationship I commit and give my 100%.

 

Not sure, but I think that my last ex (she broke up via Skype) was having feelings towards someone else. I believe emotional cheating is even worse than physical cheating.

[mercy]

I believe emotional cheating is even worse than physical cheating.

 

 

Me too!

 

Nope never cheated, never entered my mind.

 

Look but don't touch.

Edited May 23, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Fix quote

[somanymistakes]

Not sure, but I think that my last ex (she broke up via Skype) was having feelings towards someone else. I believe emotional cheating is even worse than physical cheating.

 

If she broke up with you because she was having feelings for someone else, isn't that what she should do, and therefore not cheating?

 

Not trying to sound accusing of you or anything, I just find people's reactions to emotional vs physical 'infidelity' confusing at times.

 

When it comes to having sex with someone else when you're already in a relationship, that's not an accident, it's not a single 'mistake' in the moment, it requires a whole series of actions, all of which you should have known were wrong.

 

Even a full-blown emotional affair with secretive conversations and trading of I-Love-Yous is a series of actions.

 

But if you develop feelings for someone, all unexpected, and decide that you can't continue your current relationship and therefore break it off RATHER than cheat... I don't understand how that is worse than physical cheating.

[purplesorrow]

If she broke up with you because she was having feelings for someone else, isn't that what she should do, and therefore not cheating?

 

Not trying to sound accusing of you or anything, I just find people's reactions to emotional vs physical 'infidelity' confusing at times.

 

When it comes to having sex with someone else when you're already in a relationship, that's not an accident, it's not a single 'mistake' in the moment, it requires a whole series of actions, all of which you should have known were wrong.

 

Even a full-blown emotional affair with secretive conversations and trading of I-Love-Yous is a series of actions.

 

But if you develop feelings for someone, all unexpected, and decide that you can't continue your current relationship and therefore break it off RATHER than cheat... I don't understand how that is worse than physical cheating.

 

How do you develop feelings for someone without deliberate actions? You must be communicating in some way.

[somanymistakes]

How do you develop feelings for someone without deliberate actions? You must be communicating in some way.

 

I don't understand the question. Attraction just happens, it's not like you can decide to look at someone and go 'I think I will now be attracted to you' or 'I will not be attracted to you.'

 

Sometimes you've known someone as a distant acquaintance for a long time and there was never anything there and then all of a sudden something flares up, all unexpected. Sometimes you meet a person and you just click. Sometimes you have no idea that you're overly fond of someone until you're challenged on it and then go "OH. CRAP."

 

Having sex with someone else is a very clear boundary that nobody can say they didn't notice was taking place. Sex doesn't just happen. Feelings do.

[purplesorrow]

I don't understand the question. Attraction just happens, it's not like you can decide to look at someone and go 'I think I will now be attracted to you' or 'I will not be attracted to you.'

 

Sometimes you've known someone as a distant acquaintance for a long time and there was never anything there and then all of a sudden something flares up, all unexpected. Sometimes you meet a person and you just click. Sometimes you have no idea that you're overly fond of someone until you're challenged on it and then go "OH. CRAP."

 

Having sex with someone else is a very clear boundary that nobody can say they didn't notice was taking place. Sex doesn't just happen. Feelings do.

 

Being attracted and developing feelings aren't the same. There has to be some deliberate action to cause feelings to develop.

[somanymistakes]

Have you never been in a situation where you didn't realise you had feelings for someone until said feelings hit you over the head?

 

There's a million self help and magazine articles dedicated to recognising your own feelings, I don't think it's that unusual for people to find that feelings have developed without them having taken deliberate and intentional action to cultivate them.

[AlwaysGrowing]

Have you never been in a situation where you didn't realise you had feelings for someone until said feelings hit you over the head?

 

There's a million self help and magazine articles dedicated to recognising your own feelings, I don't think it's that unusual for people to find that feelings have developed without them having taken deliberate and intentional action to cultivate them.

 

Deliberate and intentional actions to cultivate feelings do not require self awareness.

 

The lies we tell ourselves are the most damaging....they are just justifications, designed to give ourselves an "out" to ourselves.

 

"I didnt deliberately spend extra time to look good for work (guy in next cubicle)." "I didnt intentionally lie about who I had lunch with". " I wasnt trying to get my co-worker to be my bestie". "I didnt deliberately kiss them back"

 

No one walks onto a bus, sees a stranger, falls on the floor in love.

 

Finding another attractive is not the same as having in love feelings for them. There is a courtship period of getting to know the other, looking forward to seeing them..... and SPENDING TIME to cultivate those feelings. All deliberate actions.

[S2B]

Had many chances every week to cheat during my 23 year marriage. Even when I was out shopping I'd have random guys ask me out by saying I was naturally beautiful and would I consider a date... my response was clear - shaking my head no I'd say "I'm married!"

 

Never once did I consider cheating... I'm not one to cheat - I have a conscience that doesn't intend to cause harm to others.

[somanymistakes]

Deliberate and intentional actions to cultivate feelings do not require self awareness.

 

The lies we tell ourselves are the most damaging....they are just justifications, designed to give ourselves an "out" to ourselves.

 

"I didnt deliberately spend extra time to look good for work (guy in next cubicle)." "I didnt intentionally lie about who I had lunch with". " I wasnt trying to get my co-worker to be my bestie". "I didnt deliberately kiss them back"

 

No one walks onto a bus, sees a stranger, falls on the floor in love.

 

Finding another attractive is not the same as having in love feelings for them. There is a courtship period of getting to know the other, looking forward to seeing them..... and SPENDING TIME to cultivate those feelings. All deliberate actions.

 

It can't be deliberate and intentional if it's not known, it's not an intention if you didn't know and intend it. Lots of people hang out with friends and enjoy their company and never fall in love with them. And some people suddenly discover they have feelings for someone they've been hanging out with.

 

(Kissing someone back is a physical action and totally different from just hanging around someone.)

 

Look all I'm trying to say is that when people talk about emotional cheating being WORSE THAN physical cheating, but at the same time are talking about things that people didn't even know they were doing and that when they DID realise they were doing them, took responsible actions to deal with... That seems unfair to me.

 

"I'm not flirting with him! ... Oh, crap, I guess I actually am. Well, I'd better take responsibility then."

 

vs

 

"Yes, I totally chose to have sex with someone else, but it didn't mean anything, baby!"

 

Because in so many threads when we talk about people who are cheating the point is always raised that they could have broken up with their partner before pursuing someone else, no one forced them to sleep with someone else while still married, they could have done the honorable thing.

 

But if breaking up with your partner before dating someone else is somehow STILL seen as cheating, or even WORSE than the other kind of cheating... it's like making the game rigged, you know? Moving the goalposts. Taking the original "honorable" action and now saying it's somehow even worse. How does that make sense?

 

It's like when people get angry at someone for having only an emotional affair and start telling them they may as well go ahead and have sex. The whole thing confuses me.

 

I'm sorry if I'm not making sense, the whole concept doesn't make sense to ME.

[dichotomy]

No never cheated

 

Close as I came was the last 2 months of a college GF relationship, but she had started seeing someone else as well. Even then (us both seeing someone else and knowing it) it felt wrong to be touching two women. Not my nature - one woman at a time.

 

however, I will admit after many years in a very difficult marriage, it has crossed my mind many times, but I still never have actually cheated - just a bit at risk I guess now.

[cocorico]

Anyone here that can honestly say they've never cheated?

 

I don't have the attention span. Far easier to be direct, and not have to keep up with stories.

[AlwaysGrowing]

It can't be deliberate and intentional if it's not known, it's not an intention if you didn't know and intend it. Lots of people hang out with friends and enjoy their company and never fall in love with them. And some people suddenly discover they have feelings for someone they've been hanging out with.

 

(Kissing someone back is a physical action and totally different from just hanging around someone.)

 

Look all I'm trying to say is that when people talk about emotional cheating being WORSE THAN physical cheating, but at the same time are talking about things that people didn't even know they were doing and that when they DID realise they were doing them, took responsible actions to deal with... That seems unfair to me.

 

"I'm not flirting with him! ... Oh, crap, I guess I actually am. Well, I'd better take responsibility then."

 

vs

 

"Yes, I totally chose to have sex with someone else, but it didn't mean anything, baby!"

 

Because in so many threads when we talk about people who are cheating the point is always raised that they could have broken up with their partner before pursuing someone else, no one forced them to sleep with someone else while still married, they could have done the honorable thing.

 

But if breaking up with your partner before dating someone else is somehow STILL seen as cheating, or even WORSE than the other kind of cheating... it's like making the game rigged, you know? Moving the goalposts. Taking the original "honorable" action and now saying it's somehow even worse. How does that make sense?

 

It's like when people get angry at someone for having only an emotional affair and start telling them they may as well go ahead and have sex. The whole thing confuses me.

 

I'm sorry if I'm not making sense, the whole concept doesn't make sense to ME.

 

In a committed relationship one is not supposed to be interviewing for the "next" one.

 

Relationships are supposed to end due to the relationship itself not working. Not because the current SO is not as "good" as someone else. It is disrespectful.... not to mention unrealistic to constantly compare our SO to everyone we meet to see if they measure up or to highlight their flaws.

 

In a committed relationship we are supposed to safe guard our SO emotional well being, stand up for them, protect the relationship, support them, be their closest ally, confidante... a team of two.

 

An emotional affair rips apart the team of two. Where one party is still operating from the perspective of an exclusive teammate and the other acting as a free agent looking to test drive others. It is betrayal. It is where betrayal starts.

 

A person with integrity/self respect is honest with their SO. They do not open themselves or their SO up to be office fodder.

 

Sadly, too often we see folks who swing from one relationship to the next. Holding firmly onto the original vine until they have a handhold onto another. They use their current SO love/trust of them against them... that is the main tool of betrayal....using the BS love/respect/trust...so that the WS holds all the advantages...they stack the deck. Only to have the WS state.... you (BS) just arent as good as AP (you know...the person who I confided in, the person that I let in).

 

One can not say that the relationship itself failed or that the BS is lacking when one is engaging in behaviour that undermines the pilings that relationships are built on. Treating others how we ourselves would like to treated. I can think of no one that would want to have a SO that is so open emotionally that they have no idea when they are developing in love feelings. People want their SO to safeguard that spot, to value them above all others.

 

I guess there are just some people that have a different view of what commitment means in a committed relationship. For some...commitment only means ...until I find a better arrangement.

[BG1]

If she broke up with you because she was having feelings for someone else, isn't that what she should do, and therefore not cheating?

 

Not trying to sound accusing of you or anything, I just find people's reactions to emotional vs physical 'infidelity' confusing at times.

 

When it comes to having sex with someone else when you're already in a relationship, that's not an accident, it's not a single 'mistake' in the moment, it requires a whole series of actions, all of which you should have known were wrong.

 

Even a full-blown emotional affair with secretive conversations and trading of I-Love-Yous is a series of actions.

 

But if you develop feelings for someone, all unexpected, and decide that you can't continue your current relationship and therefore break it off RATHER than cheat... I don't understand how that is worse than physical cheating.

 

Let me elaborate so you can get a better picture, I understand what you are saying and agree mostly.

 

We decided to have a long distance relationship US/UK. Then she was off to another country for 6 weeks for work, she started to distance from me and I could see something was wrong. She was saying that she needed space, she is an artist and needed to focus on her character. But she was getting mad at me for bringing this up and when I was complaining about the lack of communication. We talked twice then once a week... I could see something was not going well. After that project, she was coming back to UK for a few days to see me.

 

She finished the project decided to travel around instead of coming to talk to me (the relationship was already on the line) and the day she arrives at her holiday destination she breaks up with me via skype! She was coming the following week to the UK so we could have talk face to face and as adults...

Then I asked her if she had feelings towards someone else (I couldnt understand why she will be taking that decision with the timing) and she went silent, after asking her twice she told me she started to have feelings towards someone else "but" that it wasn't the reasons why she was breaking up. This person was with her and some other friends in the holiday destination....

She neglected me, I was going thru a difficult time, and then accused me of things when I was trying to get answers and reconnect with her.

 

She deliberately had feelings with someone else and instead of taking the time to think if it was a crush or nothing important, she decided to leave the 2.5 years relationship on a screen... I don't know if she was sexually involved with this person but she broke my heart with her attitude and betrayal.

 

She should have told me earlier, or communicate with me that she wasn't happy about certain things. I think that she has a codependency issue, and she gave me for granted. I think down the line she will regret the decision, she already told me afterwards she should have done things differently but I won't forgive what she did. (she said that she loved me the last time we talked and 2 months earlier brought up the idea of getting married ).

 

I understood that was it, I couldnt believe what I hear as she was the sweetest and more lovable person I've met (and its not a few). She broke it when the first challenged came up... Because of her codependency I trully hope she will do some personal work and dont do a rebound with this guy or any other. Anyway, in the very end I know I deserve much better.

 

"Choose those who choose you"

[mightycpa]

If I may be so bold as to offer an opinion:

She finished the project decided to travel around instead of coming to talk to me (the relationship was already on the line) and the day she arrives at her holiday destination she breaks up with me via skype! She was coming the following week to the UK so we could have talk face to face and as adults...

So basically, she was something of a coward, or, she decided to give you some time to catch up and collect your thoughts. Hard to say from your description.

Then I asked her if she had feelings towards someone else (I couldnt understand why she will be taking that decision with the timing) and she went silent, after asking her twice she told me she started to have feelings towards someone else "but" that it wasn't the reasons why she was breaking up. This person was with her and some other friends in the holiday destination....

I'm going to chalk this up to cowardice as well, it's not easy to tell someone that they've been replaced by somebody else. That is a special pain to have to inflict, and I guess that's why people lie about that.

She neglected me, I was going thru a difficult time, and then accused me of things when I was trying to get answers and reconnect with her.

Apparently, you were oblivious to the underlying message at the time. There was no reconnection to be made. You were probably under the impression that you could "fix" whatever the problems were.

She deliberately had feelings with someone else

Honestly, I don't think anyone can do that. Feelings arise/exist or they don't with utter disregard for your conscious wishes on the matter.

and instead of taking the time to think if it was a crush or nothing important, she decided to leave the 2.5 years relationship on a screen...

I don't think you can know that with any certainty. She likely thought a great deal about it.

I don't know if she was sexually involved with this person but she broke my heart with her attitude and betrayal.

 

She should have told me earlier,

People won't do that when they first start feeling these feelings for another, because they don't know if they are real, they aren't particularly strong yet, and they don't want to risk your flight over something that may be nothing

or communicate with me that she wasn't happy about certain things.

This is the phrase that first caught my eye and made me decide to write you. It wasn't that she wasn't happy. She met somebody else, and felt for him the things you wanted her to feel for you. That's a whole lot different than not being happy. She was happy - with the other guy.

I think that she has a codependency issue, and she gave me for granted. I think down the line she will regret the decision, she already told me afterwards she should have done things differently but I won't forgive what she did. (she said that she loved me the last time we talked and 2 months earlier brought up the idea of getting married ).

It may have been true at the time, or it may have been an effort to rid herself of feelings that she didn't want to have. This is so common that it is almost a sign of trouble. There is a sudden and seemingly sincere rapid escalation of commitment and future planning. I think people do that in rebellion to the new feelings that they are experiencing, because they are unwelcome feelings.

 

I understood that was it, I couldnt believe what I hear as she was the sweetest and more lovable person I've met (and its not a few). She broke it when the first challenged came up... Because of her codependency I trully hope she will do some personal work and dont do a rebound with this guy or any other. Anyway, in the very end I know I deserve much better.

And last, my friend, the dumpers don't rebound. A rebound is when you're tossed aside and you bump into somebody else, and use them for what you can't have with who you want. She doesn't have that problem. You might.

 

Anyway, I think that you've interpreted this experience of yours completely wrong, and I wanted to give you another perspective.

 

"Choose those who choose you"

Edited May 24, 2017 by mightycpa

[mightycpa]

Nope, never have and never will. It was a long time ago.

Cheating! Or at least she'd think so!

[BG1]

If I may be so bold as to offer an opinion:

So basically, she was something of a coward, or, she decided to give you some time to catch up and collect your thoughts. Hard to say from your description.I'm going to chalk this up to cowardice as well, it's not easy to tell someone that they've been replaced by somebody else. That is a special pain to have to inflict, and I guess that's why people lie about that.Apparently, you were oblivious to the underlying message at the time. There was no reconnection to be made. You were probably under the impression that you could "fix" whatever the problems were.Honestly, I don't think anyone can do that. Feelings arise/exist or they don't with utter disregard for your conscious wishes on the matter. I don't think you can know that with any certainty. She likely thought a great deal about it.People won't do that when they first start feeling these feelings for another, because they don't know if they are real, they aren't particularly strong yet, and they don't want to risk your flight over something that may be nothingThis is the phrase that first caught my eye and made me decide to write you. It wasn't that she wasn't happy. She met somebody else, and felt for him the things you wanted her to feel for you. That's a whole lot different than not being happy. She was happy - with the other guy.It may have been true at the time, or it may have been an effort to rid herself of feelings that she didn't want to have. This is so common that it is almost a sign of trouble. There is a sudden and seemingly sincere rapid escalation of commitment and future planning. I think people do that in rebellion to the new feelings that they are experiencing, because they are unwelcome feelings.And last, my friend, the dumpers don't rebound. A rebound is when you're tossed aside and you bump into somebody else, and use them for what you can't have with who you want. She doesn't have that problem. You might.

 

Anyway, I think that you've interpreted this experience of yours completely wrong, and I wanted to give you another perspective.

 

"Choose those who choose you"

 

Thanks for all the detailed answered. My thought is that she pushed me away and neglected me so I broke up with her because she could break it. Somehow she saw I was still there for her when she wasn't been a good partner, I think if you can handle your partner in the worst you can in the best.

 

To add another layer of complexity, she was doing a role of a depressed/maniac/bipolar character.

 

I think you are not really understanding where I'm getting from or I haven't explained myself clear. enough My ex suffered from depression (I think she still does), low self-esteem and comes from a broken family. I was her first love, her best friend, and many other things (she also told me I was a mentor to her).

 

Communication was already an issue in the relationship, she used to block or go silent, it's a mechanism for dealing with conflicts. Normally from immature people or people with no much experience in love relationships. (I'm few years older than her and had more experience with relationships).

 

Dumpers also rebound, of course, they do, instead of looking into the problems they couldn't face in a relationship they go into another relationship without addressing their own issues. Or because they don't know how to be alone, they need constant validation, etc... that would be a couple of good examples why a dumper may rebound.

 

Also to let you know, when we meet after the break up, something I didnt mentioned (she asked me to meet up and I accepted to get closure from my side and be able to talk face to face) she told me she was scared, didnt know anymore what she wanted and that she was lost. (I don't really buy that, but its partially true).

 

About reconnecting, you are right, I should have said "try to come to good terms with a possible plan to make it work or finish the relationship". I knew the relationship was almost dead but I wanted to come to terms or not if we had a future together, distance was an issue and I had a plan to move together. Probably that was much to ask to her.

 

Without getting too much into details is that she felt awful and for selfish purposes and for not burning the whole bridge down, she saw me a couple of times before heading back to the US. And to think that she was always the one afraid and scared of me falling out of love or finding "someone better"...

I think that will explain why she wanted to marry me, 2 months before the breakup or 1 year earlier when she said it for the first time. Glad I didn't comment because as I said to her was too early days. You need to go thru difficulties to see how the other person reacts and deals with them. You learn more from your partner because of the difficult moments than the good ones.

 

I feel that commitment and loyalty nowadays are liquid terms and it's very hard to find people that will work hard to sort out relationships (that is what true love is). I have no regrets because I did my best and what I considered necessary. I know she doesn't and she was ashamed of how she dealt with the situation.

[vanhalenfan]

Yes, I can honestly say I have never cheated. It's just not in my blood. I've had many an opportunity in all relationships but never did. I know it's a rarity these days...