Clarity is so hard to find...

[BreakingWave]

Thanks, SouthernSun. I am definitely not ready. I've honestly never had a good relationship - this one, in the beginning, is the closest thing I've had. My MW even told me in the early days, because she knew my history, "I don't want to be just another ****ty relationship for you." And that is very much what this is turning into. But if/when it ends, finding someone else is the furthest thing from my mind.

 

I am happier single than in the crap relationships I usually end up in. I realize this is a big generalization, but the stereotype about lesbians committing right away is based in truth. A few women had decided to stop dating me when I wasn't ready to tell discuss love and the long-term future after a few dates. Not to mention I'm a feminine woman who's into other feminine women, and that is hard to find anywhere, especially in the South. The idea of getting back out there and starting from scratch with someone new, especially while in love with MW, isn't appealing to me at all. At the same time, I know I'm not getting any younger and the years are just ticking by.

 

 

I'm intrigued by what you said about how our married APs "manage us down" and put us back into our place with communication. She definitely runs hot and cold - sometimes, once in a great while, she'll want to stay up texting until 3 am. A couple of weeks ago we even had a pretty sexy conversation via text for the first time in a few months. I loved it... but of course it was followed by her having to leave town for some family obligations and come back to pack for this trip, so her tune had totally changed.

 

 

In about a week, she'll be home and we both have fairly open schedules this summer. I don't know what to expect but I'm trying to be prepared. I don't want to end it - I am sure you could have all guessed that - but I do want some healthy boundaries to protect myself. Any advice?

 

 

I want her to take this "push/pull" **** and shove it. She needs to decide if I'm a buddy or her lover and treat me that way consistently. Of course I'm afraid if I put it that bluntly she'll insist we're friends with benefits and why can't it stay that way. The answer is that it's making me miserable. But I am pretty sure giving me up would be easy for her.

[Southern Sun]

Thanks, SouthernSun. I am definitely not ready. I've honestly never had a good relationship - this one, in the beginning, is the closest thing I've had. My MW even told me in the early days, because she knew my history, "I don't want to be just another ****ty relationship for you." And that is very much what this is turning into. But if/when it ends, finding someone else is the furthest thing from my mind.

 

I am happier single than in the crap relationships I usually end up in. I realize this is a big generalization, but the stereotype about lesbians committing right away is based in truth. A few women had decided to stop dating me when I wasn't ready to tell discuss love and the long-term future after a few dates. Not to mention I'm a feminine woman who's into other feminine women, and that is hard to find anywhere, especially in the South. The idea of getting back out there and starting from scratch with someone new, especially while in love with MW, isn't appealing to me at all. At the same time, I know I'm not getting any younger and the years are just ticking by.

 

 

I'm intrigued by what you said about how our married APs "manage us down" and put us back into our place with communication. She definitely runs hot and cold - sometimes, once in a great while, she'll want to stay up texting until 3 am. A couple of weeks ago we even had a pretty sexy conversation via text for the first time in a few months. I loved it... but of course it was followed by her having to leave town for some family obligations and come back to pack for this trip, so her tune had totally changed.

 

 

In about a week, she'll be home and we both have fairly open schedules this summer. I don't know what to expect but I'm trying to be prepared. I don't want to end it - I am sure you could have all guessed that - but I do want some healthy boundaries to protect myself. Any advice?

 

 

I want her to take this "push/pull" **** and shove it. She needs to decide if I'm a buddy or her lover and treat me that way consistently. Of course I'm afraid if I put it that bluntly she'll insist we're friends with benefits and why can't it stay that way. The answer is that it's making me miserable. But I am pretty sure giving me up would be easy for her.

 

You are calling this a good relationship, but at least you recognize that it was only in the beginning.

 

You are holding onto the memory of the golden days. How long has it been since it was truly good? 6 months? 9 months? You've been together for about a year. Has about half of it been good? Less? Don't live in the past and how it was. Don't hope for the future and how it could be. Focus very specifically on the present and how IT IS.

 

I really do recognize myself in your words. Very notable is the victim position you are taking. You are letting her decide everything. "She needs to decide if I'm a buddy or her lover and treat me that way consistently. Of course I'm afraid...she'll insist that we're friends with benefits..."

 

I felt that way for a long time with my xMM. 'Why can't he decide what he wants with me?' Which meant I was LETTING him do whatever he wanted. The issue was that I desperately wanted him at the time, and he was in the position of maybe wanting me and maybe not. The person who cares less always has more power. So I felt like I was supplicating myself, basically on my knees in front of him, and he could just decide from one day to the next what kind of relationship we had. It was so demoralizing. By the end of the first year, I had NO sense of self left. I was a quivering mass of depression and anxiety. I couldn't even make a decent decision for myself. I had never been so miserable in my life.

 

I don't know how able or willing you are to hear me or take my advice. But I will say a few things:

 

First, you are making yourself extremely unattractive to her by being at her beck and call. Yeah, I want way more for you than this, but if I can shake you loose by telling you this one thing, I'll do it. NOBODY likes a weak partner. If she knows you will basically be there for her no matter what she does; that she can snap and you'll be her friend; snap and you'll be her lover; or snap and you'll agree to FWB, she will not respect you at all. And you will lose her anyway.

 

Have some respect FOR YOURSELF. Have some standards. Tell her what YOU will and will not accept. Don't wait for her to decide. That's my point. Right now, you are sitting back and saying, what does she want?? What about what you want? Have a backbone. You know what you want from her. You are acting in fear of loss, afraid to say, "I want this relationship with you, and nothing less." You are willing to accept whatever she throws at you, because right now that seems better than nothing. But let me tell you, you will feel worse and worse about yourself over time for accepting that crap. You will. You KNOW you can't be friends with someone you are in love with. So why are you trying? Why not tell her, if you can't have the relationship you want, you're out?? It will hurt, but what you are doing will hurt you way more and way longer.

 

You say you have difficulty meeting a feminine woman, as that is what you prefer. You are certainly not going to do that while you waste your time on this unavailable MW.

[BreakingWave]

Thanks, SS. I know your words are spoken from experience and I believe they are correct. I talked myself into thinking if I stopped trying to initiate conversations or initiate any sort of sweet talk, if I declined offers to hang out that were clearly about "come pretend to be just friends with me and everyone I know, while I don't make time for you alone" that was a step forward. It is going to take a lot more than that, I'm sure, before I start to regain self-respect for the way I've been in this relationship.

 

It's about eight months old. We were great the first two months, then off and on, then she told me it was over and we were broken up for about a month during which I tried to see someone else but ended up realizing how far from ready I was. And right now I can't imagine being ready. I have other, non-romantic goals I want to prioritize if this doesn't work - I'm taking the Bar, I am training to get back into running Half Marathons, I just don't even want to pretend to be interested in a new romance with anyone else despite getting a lot of advice on here to keep looking.

[BreakingWave]

Got a text last night at 3 am - midnight where she is - just saying she hasn't had access to Wifi or internet/apps all week and hoped I had enjoyed a concert I saw with friends this week. Nothing about missing me, nothing important at all. Part of me feels that not responding would be terribly rude; another part says it would really serve her right. I suppose the decision would be easier if I'd firmly decided to let go of the A instead of clinging to hope that it will get better. Any harm in just keeping it as light and inconsequential as hers? Like "I am going to put in the same effort you do - no more, no less?"

[whichwayisup]

Wish you'd end it because this affair is damaging to you and yourself esteem. But you don't want it over and are looking for ways to keep it going and not let the bad and hurtful stuff get to you so my suggestion is, detach emotionally from her if you can. Don't invest so much into her. Keep busier and don't make her your number one waiting for her. She's living life with her partner and not making you a high priority most of the time so do the same and you might be happier.

[whichwayisup]

Got a text last night at 3 am - midnight where she is - just saying she hasn't had access to Wifi or internet/apps all week and hoped I had enjoyed a concert I saw with friends this week. Nothing about missing me, nothing important at all. Part of me feels that not responding would be terribly rude; another part says it would really serve her right. I suppose the decision would be easier if I'd firmly decided to let go of the A instead of clinging to hope that it will get better. Any harm in just keeping it as light and inconsequential as hers? Like "I am going to put in the same effort you do - no more, no less?"

 

When you've had enough and realize you're better off without her (NO friendship at all) you'll end it.

 

All you have to do is show her by your actions. Though I think you're not one to be casual and not invest. You love her and it's going to be very hard for you to treat her the same way she's treating you.

 

Not responding isn't rude at all, it's showing her that you won't be treated like crap! the thing is, she knows she can treat you any way she pleases and you'll still talk to her and welcome her back with open arms.

[Southern Sun]

Got a text last night at 3 am - midnight where she is - just saying she hasn't had access to Wifi or internet/apps all week and hoped I had enjoyed a concert I saw with friends this week. Nothing about missing me, nothing important at all. Part of me feels that not responding would be terribly rude; another part says it would really serve her right. I suppose the decision would be easier if I'd firmly decided to let go of the A instead of clinging to hope that it will get better. Any harm in just keeping it as light and inconsequential as hers? Like "I am going to put in the same effort you do - no more, no less?"

 

It's only harmful to you. Because ultimately you are NOT letting go of hope and even if your words are light and inconsequential, your emotions are not.

 

And you will continue to worry and fret over being rude, just like I did.

 

No one is going to be able to help you get there. We can tell you our own miserable experiences, but I think you are just going to have to go through it. Please know I am not being unsympathetic by saying these things. I can just tell by your responses that this is the direction you're heading. I don't think anyone could have talked me out of it either.

[BreakingWave]

Thanks, y'all. You're right that my emotions won't change just because my outward actions do, but I think that if the outward actions are less contact, fewer attempts to get her attention, and declining invitations she's used to me always accepting, these are small ways to begin restoring my dignity and self-esteem.

 

I know most folks on LS are big advocates of "no contact." I can't say whether I think it would be helpful or not in our situation. We had years of friendship, but obviously that friendship was fundamentally changed when an EA/PA was introduced, especially for me it seems. And I don't want to keep something toxic in my life, especially if it becomes obvious it won't ever be anything other than toxic.

 

Perhaps there are parts of this I really do have to go through myself to understand. I do believe her feelings are real, but I am starting to believe they change on a dime. And that's not a quality I'd want in a partner long-term, anyway. I have to get back to a place where I don't believe a partner is necessary at all (I have been single, or not in a serious relationship at least, for several years - at times it's easier than others, but let's face it. The rest of the world struggles to make sense of those of us who are 'happily single' and it does make life harder in many respects.)

 

I have struggled with the issue of not feeling good enough or worthy enough since early childhood, and I realize I may have chosen an unavailable woman to become fixated on because of this issue. I'm not sure what to do with it at this point because I feel that I worked very hard to build up a positive self-image over the last six years or so (I became a runner and dropped and kept off 65 lbs, I read a lot of self-help and made peace with being single, I developed very close friendships and changed careers, etc.) and this A has absolutely destroyed my concept of myself as a strong and independent person.

 

Ultimately, she's made her choice. Being married to a jackass who's never really been there for her or her kids emotionally (though he's been a very solid provider, financially) is worth it because.... HOUSE! VACATION! SHOES! BOAT! CLOTHES! I've finally figured out how they work - that there are really deep, fundamental cracks in their marriage that they both deal with in very different but equally unhelpful ways. She through spending a ton of money, he through drinking too much and being boorish. They "make up" with big purchases or extravagant vacations to distract themselves from the fact that neither wants to work on their serious personality flaws.

 

I hope all her fancy stuff keeps her warm at night. And I hope that one day I will finally stop giving a damn about her or trying to analyze a marriage that is none of my business in the first place.

Edited June 22, 2017 by BreakingWave

[BreakingWave]

So I guess she realized that brief and non-enthusiastic responses aren't my style, and tonight she texted to ask if I was okay. Said she was worried about me because she could tell something was bothering me. I told her very honestly that our conversation a week ago was strange, and that it was followed by several days of silence. That once again I'm left wondering where I stand, and that I appreciate that right now isn't the best time for this kind of conversation, but when she asks if I'm okay she's going to get an honest response and right now I'm not okay.

 

No response yet but... it felt like a step toward standing up for myself and I wanted to share that.

[BigBlueSky]

So I guess she realized that brief and non-enthusiastic responses aren't my style, and tonight she texted to ask if I was okay. Said she was worried about me because she could tell something was bothering me. I told her very honestly that our conversation a week ago was strange, and that it was followed by several days of silence. That once again I'm left wondering where I stand, and that I appreciate that right now isn't the best time for this kind of conversation, but when she asks if I'm okay she's going to get an honest response and right now I'm not okay.

 

No response yet but... it felt like a step toward standing up for myself and I wanted to share that.

 

I noticed you said you knew it wasn't the best time to have this conversation, but really there is never a "good time" to have it and it still sounds like you're being apologetic about bringing it up. You really don't have to be and I'm glad you were able to let her know why you were upset. Keep moving forward and make those small steps in reclaiming your self worth.

 

Regarding your previous comment about going NC, I think that's a good end goal but personally I think it's easier to start to change in small ways and aim for LC before going total NC. For me, I think the shift started to happen when I started to realize that I had really poor boundaries with people. I started to come to realizations about myself and that helped me make some changes and to be firmer in how I handled myself with my exMM and also in other relationships as well.

 

I'm realizing it's a process. There are end goals I'm looking towards, and as much as others tell me what my life should look like or what decisions I need to make, I know that there are lessons I need to learn along the way and I can't just jump to what makes most sense or what others think I should do (although they may be right).

 

Anyway, keep walking forward and making steps towards respecting yourself. Glad you're continuing to update!

[BreakingWave]

Thanks, BBS! She eventually responded to say that she didn't think a conversation was possible tonight, and apparently when she gets back from her trip next week her adult daughter who lives out of state is coming for a visit. So the takeaway I got was "and I'm not gonna be available to you then either." Maybe that's what she meant and maybe it isn't. Doesn't matter. I have learned many valuable things here but perhaps the most is that now I constantly remind myself not to make excuses for her. She is at any given moment doing what she wants to do, with whomever she wants to do it with, and it usually isn't me.

 

I told her I'd missed her. She sent a happy face. Before anyone is ready to excuriate her for that, there's actually something behind it. In the past a happy face is what she'd send when she had trouble collecting her thoughts or when she felt several different things at once and either wasn't alone and couldn't text freely or simply didn't know how to respond to what I said. It was a way of saying she acknowledged my statement and felt affection without having to use words. I asked her about this and she said that's what it was about. So... I am kinda bummed that I told her I missed her, because it feels like a step back. But hell. I do.

 

 

As far as next week, well. I got through this one so I guess it just gets easier right?

[BigBlueSky]

I don't think there are any guarantees that things will get easier, but hopefully as we learn and grow we will be able to better handle the things that come our way!

 

If you can envision your life without her, what might that look like? What things are you passionate about? What are the things that you value most in life?

[Birdies]

I'm sorry to play Bad Cop, but this relationship is so one-sided that it's painful to read about from the outside. She has told you in words and in actions that she is not going to leave her family for you. Why do you need to ask her where you stand? You are the mistress that she can keep at arm's bay most of the time, and call up occasionally when she needs her ego stroked. You know this, despite how sweet she was for the first 2 months.

 

You are obviously a loving, caring, intelligent person! You deserve so much more! But sadly, as I think I said in the first page of this thread - this A won't end until you decide you are worth more and end it yourself, or until DDay happens (as it did for so many of us) and she throws you under the bus without a look back.

 

I think LC is the way to go. She has you running to respond and send her kisses whenever she feels like it, while she spends 98% of her time playing loving wife to her husband and ignoring you while you pine. Take back some of your power. Ignore her. Make her pine a bit. It's not "rude". You're in an affair with a married person. Rude doesn't really apply!

 

Ps I really don't mean to sound harsh. And I'm certainly not judging you for being in an affair. But you need to put YOU first! This will either end soon on your terms, or much later and more painfully to you on her terms when you least expect it

Edited June 23, 2017 by Birdies

[BreakingWave]

BigBlueSky: I've been thinking about your questions a lot over the last few days. I know my life can go on without her, because I had a life before I met her. Right now my life is full of studying for the Bar exam, and as soon as that's over it'll be full of work (I start pre-planning the day after the exam.) So keeping busy won't be hard. I want to focus on getting back into the great shape I was in before - the A definitely interfered with my nutrition and workouts, and I've always been an emotional eater. I've put on almost 15 lbs in the 8 months we were together! So I think I can focus on that... at least when I'm not mindlessly eating/drinking to distract myself.

 

Birdies: You're not a "bad cop" at all - your words ring very true. I've been asking myself how to reclaim some power, and I think a lot of it might just have to be convincing myself that's what I'm doing. It's hard to "ignore" someone who's ignoring you, right? Like... I haven't talked to her at all since Friday. We had a text conversation on Thursday after she asked me how I was doing and I answered honestly. She said "it kills me that you feel bad and I'm the reason." I responded that I didn't feel bad so much as I felt stupid. When I offered her kisses and affection and she responded like I was crazy, when she'd been in my bed a few days before and then she acted like I was somehow out of line or being weird when I sent her a kiss emoji. She never responded to that one. Fine, she's on vacation with the H, maybe he walked in and her privacy was gone. Whatever. Except the next day she texted me more small talk. And like an idiot, i was just glad to hear from her again so I engaged in the small talk.

 

She had one day at home (today) before leaving for the next trip, which will be another week gone. She hasn't even said one word to me since Friday. No texts, no snaps, no nothing. I haven't said a word to her either.

 

You're right. She has made it *very clear* where I stand. This is the hard part - it makes me think everything she ever said to me before was a lie. Like our entire relationship was a lie.

 

I have to examine why, as someone who has felt marginalized and inadequate my entire life, I got into a relationship that from the get-go was designed to make me feel worthless and inadequate on every level. I got involved with a wealthy woman whose lifestyle made me feel inferior (though she never tried to, honestly... she usually picked up the tab when we went out and got me expensive gifts a couple of times, and always included me in their big parties, etc.) and whose "need" to always put other things and people ahead of me triggered my feelings of not being as good or worthy as other people.

 

Those are things I have to address within myself in order to start moving on. Right now I just want to stop thinking about her all the time. I'm pretty sure I can resist the urge to contact her. I just have to figure out a plan for handling the next time she contacts me, if indeed she does. I have a feeling she may have decided that it's too much stress to deal with me and she's cutting the cord.

[Southern Sun]

Considering how attached you are to her, I think it's possible she represents someone in your life whose approval and love you want (or wanted) desperately. Hate to play armchair psychologist...but you might want to think about historical female figures (from your own past) she reminds you of. Is there anything she might be triggering?

 

I believe that was a big part of my nearly obsessive attachment to xMM.

 

It just seems to me that she is more than a lover to you...she represents something to you. And it could be something from the past or even a hope or goal for the future. But you've connected her to that symbol (either unresolved past or longed-for future plan) and that's what gives this so much intensity and meaning.

 

If that makes any sense.

[MJJean]

I'm on my phone, so this will be short.

 

It's ok to be rude. What MW is doing to both you and her husband is far worse than rude, but it's that, too.

 

Her husband may be boorish, but she chose him as life partner and father of her children. If she didn't want him as he is she'd have left years ago.

 

If I was playing shrink, I'd say this relationship is comfortable and familiar because you're used to feeling not good enough and marginalized.

[BigBlueSky]

I'm sure that as a MW, there would be a lot of uncertainty that she would face if she were to legitimately start a relationship with you, and on top of that the whole issue of her sexuality. Not sure what her true reasons are for running away, but she has a lot of reasons to (not that I'm saying she is right in the way she is handling things, but it is easier to run away than to pursue a relationship with you and have to face potential issues and hardships). Anyway, now that you know what her position is, I hope you can make steps forward in making yourself stronger. You deserve so much better than what she is willing to give you. And you know that you can have a great life apart from her. Just start to focus on yourself and moving forward.

 

As for trying not to think about her as much, it takes time. I'm going through that now. I try to keep myself busy and my focus on other things. But I've also been giving myself moments to grieve. It's a loss of something significant in your life and you will be sad. But you will also have more and more moments of clarity and peace. I really believe this. You've already progressed in the way you've been thinking since your first post. I think times of transition cause us to start to dig deep. you've been asking some good questions about the why of the whole thing which is great. Keep going!

[jenkins95]

Just sending you a (((hug))) BreakingWave.

 

I've really enjoyed reading your recent posts. I still feel your pain and I know that you are still vulnerable and only at the very beginning of anything resembling recovery, but still I find your posts very encouraging. You are hinting at the fact that life can and will go on without her, whereas just a couple of weeks ago you were posting very sad stuff about not wanting to go on at all.

 

It may not feel like you've come very far yet, and you have a long path ahead, but I've seen some giant leaps in the right direction!

 

Keep it going - proud of you.

[BreakingWave]

Thanks everyone - I wanted to give y'all an update. I am grateful for the listening, caring, non-judgmental ears. I honestly don't know how I would've gotten through this if it weren't for all of you fine people, though part of me lives in fear she'll stumble across this thread one day. That's probably occurred to all of us about our respective threads.

 

So, guess what happened this morning? Wait for it, wait for it... yep. She contacted me. Basically just apologizing for being out of touch, said she's been busy and surrounded, that she didn't want to interrupt my studies but wanted to say hi.

 

I thought about how I wanted to respond for several minutes, and went with polite but not too familiar. Asked if she was ready to talk or get together before she leaves to go out of town tomorrow as there were several things I'd mentioned in my last text on Thursday that have gone unacknowledged by her. She told me she's aware we need to talk, and that I especially have things I need to get out into the open, but that she's "in a weird place with everything. I know how you feel, and I wish I could make you feel better but the truth is I don't understand this **** for myself." She explained she feels trapped and like there's "no way out." No idea if she meant her marriage, the issues helping her elderly parents move, or what. She said, "I've thought about you a lot and hope you're okay. We will talk. This is very heavy on my mind and heart."

 

Which, okay. Because I couldn't tell. It sure seemed like she didn't give one **** about me, but I think that what many folks have posted here is true. She probably means everything when she says it and who knows what she means five or 24 hours later. She told me "you are very patient and understanding with me, probably more than you should be and definitely more than I would be."

 

I said well, when you love someone you don't run out of patience and understanding for them, but there does come a time to stand up for yourself and I'm not going to pretend to be okay anymore just to make her feel better. She said she understands that and she's going to try to find time alone to call me while she's out of town, even if it's just to say hi.

 

If my phone rings, I'll answer. I know I will. But I'm not holding my breath either.

 

Next week, her life will look very different. The parents won't be in her house. The husband will be working all day. She'll have all the time in the world to think about what it is she really wants. And by then, I'll be a little closer to not obsessing about what that is.

 

My plan for the week is to chill out, not expect to hear from her, and keep my focus solely on studying and getting my workouts in. I am also making a list of all the thoughtful suggestions I'm getting here re questions to ask myself when I have the emotional wherewithal for those kinds of deep dives.

[Syre17]

Thanks everyone - I wanted to give y'all an update. I am grateful for the listening, caring, non-judgmental ears. I honestly don't know how I would've gotten through this if it weren't for all of you fine people, though part of me lives in fear she'll stumble across this thread one day. That's probably occurred to all of us about our respective threads.

 

So, guess what happened this morning? Wait for it, wait for it... yep. She contacted me. Basically just apologizing for being out of touch, said she's been busy and surrounded, that she didn't want to interrupt my studies but wanted to say hi.

 

I thought about how I wanted to respond for several minutes, and went with polite but not too familiar. Asked if she was ready to talk or get together before she leaves to go out of town tomorrow as there were several things I'd mentioned in my last text on Thursday that have gone unacknowledged by her. She told me she's aware we need to talk, and that I especially have things I need to get out into the open, but that she's "in a weird place with everything. I know how you feel, and I wish I could make you feel better but the truth is I don't understand this **** for myself." She explained she feels trapped and like there's "no way out." No idea if she meant her marriage, the issues helping her elderly parents move, or what. She said, "I've thought about you a lot and hope you're okay. We will talk. This is very heavy on my mind and heart."

 

Which, okay. Because I couldn't tell. It sure seemed like she didn't give one **** about me, but I think that what many folks have posted here is true. She probably means everything when she says it and who knows what she means five or 24 hours later. She told me "you are very patient and understanding with me, probably more than you should be and definitely more than I would be."

 

I said well, when you love someone you don't run out of patience and understanding for them, but there does come a time to stand up for yourself and I'm not going to pretend to be okay anymore just to make her feel better. She said she understands that and she's going to try to find time alone to call me while she's out of town, even if it's just to say hi.

 

If my phone rings, I'll answer. I know I will. But I'm not holding my breath either.

 

Next week, her life will look very different. The parents won't be in her house. The husband will be working all day. She'll have all the time in the world to think about what it is she really wants. And by then, I'll be a little closer to not obsessing about what that is.

 

My plan for the week is to chill out, not expect to hear from her, and keep my focus solely on studying and getting my workouts in. I am also making a list of all the thoughtful suggestions I'm getting here re questions to ask myself when I have the emotional wherewithal for those kinds of deep dives.

 

I always find the similarities of what they say so interesting. My exAP would say the same kinds of things..."I know you've been so patient..." and "this weighs so heavy on my heart..." She'd go so far as to say "all I know is that I love you..."

 

Mine also was "busy" at times and I saw through it. Most of when she was busy was purely keeping herself occupied and distracted from dealing with the hard stuff, and facing the ginormous elephant in the room. That and it often seemed like a way for her to buy more time which just made me resentful. This may or may not be the case with yours/her, but I was pretty sure it was the case in my situation.

 

Good for you for taking a step in the right direction as difficult as it is.

[BreakingWave]

I always find the similarities of what they say so interesting. My exAP would say the same kinds of things..."I know you've been so patient..." and "this weighs so heavy on my heart..." She'd go so far as to say "all I know is that I love you..."

 

Mine also was "busy" at times and I saw through it. Most of when she was busy was purely keeping herself occupied and distracted from dealing with the hard stuff, and facing the ginormous elephant in the room. That and it often seemed like a way for her to buy more time which just made me resentful. This may or may not be the case with yours/her, but I was pretty sure it was the case in my situation.

 

Good for you for taking a step in the right direction as difficult as it is.

 

Thanks, Syre. I appreciate you being here on my thread - I always enjoy seeing your posts on the threads I'm following. It's amazing how getting to know some of the deepest, most "real" emotional junk we've all been sorting through forms a sense of community, isn't it? I hope you're doing well in your own recovery from your time on my side of the fence, too.

 

Our MWs seem to have a lot in common. She does love to say she's been "busy and surrounded!" It's a little easier for me to take her at her word. Until this week, her elderly parents lived at home. Her youngest child, who is 20, has "one foot in and one foot out" as he works and goes to school but technically still lives there. So between them and the H, there's usually someone around and they have a pretty full social calendar. However, I notice many times a day that she has time to update social media, and I know that a few months ago when she was super interested in talking to me, she would *always* find a way. You can always find five minutes here, ten minutes there, etc. She would call from the grocery store, stop by for a kiss if she was on my side of town, etc. So it isn't a matter of being any busier - it's a matter of the interest level going back down. And I finally accept that has basically nothing to do with me or anything I'm doing.

 

One difference is that mine never tells me she loves me, never even tells me she misses me anymore (she used to tell me she missed me all the time.) When she got back from the last vacation, she said, "Can't wait to be home, I miss my bed and my dog!" Well jeeze, thanks a lot. Would it have killed you to say you miss me, too? I finally choose to accept that she isn't saying it because she doesn't mean it.

 

Then she fires off "I've thought about you a lot" on Monday morning despite not saying a word to me for a few days before that.

 

We've been friends for years and used to say "love you" quite a bit when hanging up on the phone or saying goodnight after hanging out. She kept that going for a few weeks after our A started, and then after I told her I loved her in an intimate moment, she got this pained expression and said she hoped I understood why she couldn't say that to me. I said I didn't understand. She said "because things are different, and I don't want you to hear that as a promise or guarantee."

 

You know. For all her flaws, she's never been a liar. I've just been an idiot!

[Syre17]

Thanks, Syre. I appreciate you being here on my thread - I always enjoy seeing your posts on the threads I'm following. It's amazing how getting to know some of the deepest, most "real" emotional junk we've all been sorting through forms a sense of community, isn't it? I hope you're doing well in your own recovery from your time on my side of the fence, too.

 

Our MWs seem to have a lot in common. She does love to say she's been "busy and surrounded!" It's a little easier for me to take her at her word. Until this week, her elderly parents lived at home. Her youngest child, who is 20, has "one foot in and one foot out" as he works and goes to school but technically still lives there. So between them and the H, there's usually someone around and they have a pretty full social calendar. However, I notice many times a day that she has time to update social media, and I know that a few months ago when she was super interested in talking to me, she would *always* find a way. You can always find five minutes here, ten minutes there, etc. She would call from the grocery store, stop by for a kiss if she was on my side of town, etc. So it isn't a matter of being any busier - it's a matter of the interest level going back down. And I finally accept that has basically nothing to do with me or anything I'm doing.

 

One difference is that mine never tells me she loves me, never even tells me she misses me anymore (she used to tell me she missed me all the time.) When she got back from the last vacation, she said, "Can't wait to be home, I miss my bed and my dog!" Well jeeze, thanks a lot. Would it have killed you to say you miss me, too? I finally choose to accept that she isn't saying it because she doesn't mean it.

 

Then she fires off "I've thought about you a lot" on Monday morning despite not saying a word to me for a few days before that.

 

We've been friends for years and used to say "love you" quite a bit when hanging up on the phone or saying goodnight after hanging out. She kept that going for a few weeks after our A started, and then after I told her I loved her in an intimate moment, she got this pained expression and said she hoped I understood why she couldn't say that to me. I said I didn't understand. She said "because things are different, and I don't want you to hear that as a promise or guarantee."

 

You know. For all her flaws, she's never been a liar. I've just been an idiot!

 

BW, check your private msgs/inbox.

[BreakingWave]

*Thank you.*

[BigBlueSky]

Hi BW, just checking in on you. How are things going?

[BreakingWave]

Hi, BBS. Thanks for the check-in. I'm... up and down, honestly.

 

I have times when I am so angry I almost don't know what to do with it - today, on my morning jog, I actually started talking to her in my head and ended up angry-crying as I thought of all the *true* but harsh things I wanted, at the moment, to say to her. Then I remembered that I love her and my angry tears became sad ones. Then they became angry again, and I must have looked like such a mess to people driving by, but hey. It did put a little pep in my step, so that's good, right?

 

Then I have times when I am just so incredibly sad. Like, the world becomes so small and dark and I feel hopeless again. She's helping me out though, posting pictures of her idyllic life and making me remember the way I've felt throughout most of our "relationship."

 

She did text yesterday morning and ask if I would like to get together tomorrow. She acknowledged that we need to talk. I am... feeling basically every feeling under the sun. I'm anxious, mostly, because I don't know what the day is going to bring. I do know I'm going to say what I need to, which is essentially that I love her, she knows that, but my standard for remaining in this affair has always been that she has to stop it with the icing me out. She will have a dozen excuses. Most of them are perfectly legit for being too busy to see me - but none of them are legit for simply not talking to me for days on end.

 

I'm aware that tomorrow might be the real end. She may be planning to break up with me for a second time. I may have to tell her it's over if she can't stop with the hot and cold nonsense. Or... we might actually get somewhere and figure out a way forward. I don't know. I am resolved, though, not to spend another day waiting on someone who can't take ten minutes a day to make me feel valued.

 

I'm also really worried about my Bar Exam, which is in 22 days. I *have* to get my **** together and stop obsessing about her.