I cannot trust my wife anymore

[John Moriarty]

Thank you all for the advice, I broke it off really nicely with her last night, and when I did, I felt a huge weight lift off my shoulders so it was the right call

[harrybrown]

Do not get back with the ex.

 

stay far away from her.

[Whitenblack]

Me and my wife's very complex marriage, and the events which have led to complete distrust, apologies for the length.

 

Me and my wife have been together for almost 10 years. Two months ago, she started acting highly suspicious and was very protective of her phone. As a result I started to become quite insecure and anxious that she was cheating. One night, I grabbed her phone from under her pillow and read pages upon pages of extremely explicit messages that I'm not even going to repeat here. The messages detailed all of the sexual things her (26) and a much younger guy (17) had done together and how she couldn't wait to do even more kinky sexual stuff with him. Sex without a condom was indicated, and she even sent him a photo of her skirt with semen all over it with laughing emojis. She is not on the pill and we never have sex without a condom.

 

We ended up trying to work through it for two reasons.

 

The first, I had been unhappy all of last year as she spent very little time with me, with her priorities being work and her friends. As a result, I myself was unfaithful, and kissed around seven girls on seven different periods throughout the year while extremely intoxicated, and also engaged in second base with some of them. She knew none of this until I told her after I found out about her affair.

 

The second, which is a pretty poor excuse but her excuse nonetheless, was that she had only ever had sex with me, and it was tearing her up inside that she had never experienced it with anyone else before. I had - once before our relationship and once in the middle during a break up.

 

She said that it was completely out of her system, so we decided to push through it. We went to three marriage counselling sessions and even booked an amazing tropical holiday to help mend the marriage.

 

I thought the counselling and the trip was really helping us and we were moving past the affairs.

 

Now the reason for my post. She was acting suspicious the other night and drove off so I did find my iPhone on her account. Her phone was at a beach when she said she was picking up a drunk girl mate from somewhere else. I drove to the beach, found her car, and there was a guy in the passenger seat who looked the same as the guy she cheated on me with, but was a different guy. I ended up seeing red and beat the **** out of him.

 

She insists he is just a mate who works at her local coffe shop near work, but I found out she had been messaging him behind my back and deleting the evidence. I messaged him off her phone asking if he liked me (my wife) and he said of course. I was so upset when I got back home.

 

We talked all of the next day about lying and deception, she said she would change and never do it or message him again (she lies so much, even about small insignificant things to her best friends). Then yesterday evening I caught her messaging him again flirting. I am almost having panic attacks and don't know what to do anymore. She is a pathological liar and I don't think I can ever trust her again.

 

She is the only partner I have ever had, and I am terrified of leaving her and being alone. I am definitely not perfect, given my own indiscretions. This year I have completely turned a corner and have not been unfaithful, which I keep being reminded is no great achievement, which I agree with whole heartedly.

 

What i do know is that I show more love for her on a daily basis that I can explain, I tell her she is beautiful every day, we laugh so much together, we have great sex, and enjoy each other's company. It's the lies and deception that is tearing me apart inside, and after catching her out at the beach the other night, I don't think I can ever trust her again.

 

Your advice and input on the situation will be greatly appreciated.

 

Do NOT stay with someone out of fear of being alone. You will NOT be happy in the long run if your happiness depends on another person. Learn to love yourself, and be emotionally independent.

 

Now, I don't know how much you love your wife, but it sounds like your trust for her has been completely shattered after the many incidents. If I were to put myself in yours shoes, there's no way in hell I'd be able to trust her again. And IMO, with zero trust, it's impossible to maintain a relationship, cause you'll constantly worry, and NEVER be at peace.

 

EDIT:

Just read you broke it off. Good luck in your next chapter of life!

[travelbug1996]

Rebound relationships don't really work. Its just a pain killer and a void filler.

 

Spend some time alone with your own thoughts. Face the loneliness and get to know who and what you are.

 

Another person can not take your pain away. You have to face it head on. I know its hard. When I divorced I didn't want to be alone but it was the only way to truly heal and deal with my feelings.

[spanz1]

she is not on the pill, you only have sex with her wearing a condom, but she is doing this boy toy bare back?

 

that is just perverted. She WANTS him to father a son that she was going to trick you into raising as your own. That is about the most evil manipulation a woman can do to a man.

 

And you are still trying to work this out?

 

You really only have two paths at this time:

1) kick her azz to the curb and divorce

2) become a sissy cuckold as she screws every guy in town and rubs your nose into it. Hope you like sloppy seconds.

[spanz1]

Thank you all for the advice, I broke it off really nicely with her last night, and when I did, I felt a huge weight lift off my shoulders so it was the right call

 

Well done sir! Take some months off, and then go looking for a REAL woman to love.