aileD Posted May 1, 2017 Share Posted May 1, 2017 OP. Did you talk to your church elder today? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mercy Posted May 1, 2017 Share Posted May 1, 2017 My question remains to the OM, did she tell you she intentionally miss taking her drugs? I think you should be fair in telling this story and stop making it look as if she did it on purpose. She could have have just as well forgotten not because she wanted to get pregnant for you but because it skipped her mind and may be life got busy. This happens as well when people are on the pill! She told him she missed pills. Link to post Share on other sites
Author VicXC Posted May 1, 2017 Author Share Posted May 1, 2017 OP. Did you talk to your church elder today? First, let me thank all those that helped me get through my bottom this past weekend. Despite the name calling, it really was good feedback. I got some really good faith based guidance from my campus pastor. I could ask for more. Surprisingly, the church seems to know how to handle these situations. Shockingly, I am not a corner case either!!!! Wtf is our society coming to.... Anyway, I have a clear path, which will take time and involve legal guidance before any confessions....it will take a few weeks to line that up. I am clear now...or so I thought..... I come in to work with a plan, a clear faith based plan....trying to maintain a professional work atmosphere...after lunch, OW (which I made clear I was done with after the panic attack last week)...comes in, says sorry, tells me she loves me and will wait forever for me....WHAT???? I make it clear it over...nope, not in her mind. I am back to struggling....what now? Almost can see I am being played, but it's like a drug, can't shake it lose.... I didn't promise or say anything...just said I need time...I need major strength here .... I feel that I could slip back into the deceptive life all over again.... How do I get back in control? Link to post Share on other sites
WasOtherWoman Posted May 1, 2017 Share Posted May 1, 2017 Do you truly feel like you made it clear to your OW that it was over? I know that is not an easy conversation to have, whether you are telling your wife, or your mistress that the relationship is over. Think of all the times you have fired people... when we do that we are clear, direct and to the point, while outlining what they can expect as part of the process. Did you do that? Or did you let that interaction be dictated by emotion? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted May 1, 2017 Share Posted May 1, 2017 I hate to say it, but it will be easier when you tell your wife. You will have some accountability to end it when your wife knows about the other relationship. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
somanymistakes Posted May 1, 2017 Share Posted May 1, 2017 Is there any way you can transfer your OW or yourself to a different work environment? You're not going to be able to stick to any plan while you're in close contact, and just firing her is going to get you into trouble. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted May 1, 2017 Share Posted May 1, 2017 Almost can see I am being played, but it's like a drug, can't shake it lose.... I hate to say it, but it will be easier when you tell your wife. You will have some accountability to end it when your wife knows about the other relationship. Not sure I agree with the "affair as addiction" comparison but there's a reason someone in AA or NA has a sponsor, they help keep you on path and accountable. And I'd guess a BS would make a fairly motivated sponsor ... Mr. Lucky 2 Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted May 1, 2017 Share Posted May 1, 2017 I'm sorry to say but you do sound as though you are being selfish. You cant trust the other woman? Yet you can trust her to have sex without protection. What do I do? Confess to wife and ruin her life and my kids? I don't want to be with the OW as I will never trust her...I know that...- This is a purely selfish and one sided thought I've ended the A, but now will abandon the OW (except for keeping her financially secure)...her kid will never know his real father...- Do you think this exOW does not have emotions, She gave birth to a child for you. How can you talk this heartless?! She gave birth to a child because she wanted to. Not for him, but for herself. She knew exactly what she was doing by having a child with a married man. I think he has deliberately kept the child at a distance to avoid forming a bond or any attachment. Link to post Share on other sites
aileD Posted May 1, 2017 Share Posted May 1, 2017 First, let me thank all those that helped me get through my bottom this past weekend. Despite the name calling, it really was good feedback. I got some really good faith based guidance from my campus pastor. I could ask for more. Surprisingly, the church seems to know how to handle these situations. Shockingly, I am not a corner case either!!!! Wtf is our society coming to.... Anyway, I have a clear path, which will take time and involve legal guidance before any confessions....it will take a few weeks to line that up. I am clear now...or so I thought..... I come in to work with a plan, a clear faith based plan....trying to maintain a professional work atmosphere...after lunch, OW (which I made clear I was done with after the panic attack last week)...comes in, says sorry, tells me she loves me and will wait forever for me....WHAT???? I make it clear it over...nope, not in her mind. I am back to struggling....what now? Almost can see I am being played, but it's like a drug, can't shake it lose.... I didn't promise or say anything...just said I need time...I need major strength here .... I feel that I could slip back into the deceptive life all over again.... How do I get back in control? You revert back to your "clear faith based plan" You need to realize that God did not put this woman in your life. Satan did. And that's why it feels so good. And you are falling for temptation. You are failing yourself, your wife and children and God every time you give into the temptation of this THREAT to your marital covenant. As another poster said, you were probably not clear in your "goodbye". im betting there was a lot of "if only...in another life...maybe one day....if things were different...." etc. that's not clear. Here's examples of some no contact letters and how they should be written. Sample No Contact Letters - Affaircare Your response to her "I will wait for you". Should be "please don't. I will not change my mind. Our relationship is over for good" Change your routine. Get away from her. And pray for strnghth 3 Link to post Share on other sites
mercy Posted May 1, 2017 Share Posted May 1, 2017 Anyway, I have a clear path, which will take time and involve legal guidance before any confessions....it will take a few weeks to line that up. I am clear now...or so I thought.....by your desires. How do I get back in control? I get the legal issues, very wise of you. Well, you get control by seeing the affair for what it truly is. Can you do that or are you just too weak and controlled by your desires? Is doing the right thing just too hard for you? You're struggling to do what's right, I get that, it's a hard fight. But one worth the fight. Choose to look in the mirror and be proud of the man standing in front of you. Whom do you choose to serve today? Link to post Share on other sites
Author VicXC Posted May 1, 2017 Author Share Posted May 1, 2017 @ailed, @mercy, I cannot have NC with OW.. there is an innocent child that I need to do right by. Another posted that I purposely stayed away from developing a bond, which is true, but can't completely abandon the child.... Not as easy...a difficult road ahead. I really am proud though that I didn't go back into it today....one day at a time... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mercy Posted May 1, 2017 Share Posted May 1, 2017 @ailed, @mercy, I cannot have NC with OW.. there is an innocent child that I need to do right by. Another posted that I purposely stayed away from developing a bond, which is true, but can't completely abandon the child.... Not as easy...a difficult road ahead. I really am proud though that I didn't go back into it today....one day at a time... I know you can't go no contact, I understand that. But don't be wishy washy with her, be firm, the affair is over. And you should be proud of yourself! Feels good, doesn't it? Link to post Share on other sites
aileD Posted May 2, 2017 Share Posted May 2, 2017 I know you can't go no contact, I understand that. But don't be wishy washy with her, be firm, the affair is over. And you should be proud of yourself! Feels good, doesn't it? This. And you can distance yourself A LOT until you figure out the legal stuff and speak with your wife. after you speak with your wife, she needs to be involved in every communication you have with the Former OW regarding the child and OW needs to know this. There should be no work communication at all. Any communication about the child should be done by email with your wife on the cc. You need to show OW you are UNITED with your wife and are ONE. If your wife stays . I hope she does but you never know Link to post Share on other sites
BTDT2012 Posted May 2, 2017 Share Posted May 2, 2017 First, let me thank all those that helped me get through my bottom this past weekend. Despite the name calling, it really was good feedback. I got some really good faith based guidance from my campus pastor. I could ask for more. Surprisingly, the church seems to know how to handle these situations. Shockingly, I am not a corner case either!!!! Wtf is our society coming to.... Anyway, I have a clear path, which will take time and involve legal guidance before any confessions....it will take a few weeks to line that up. I am clear now...or so I thought..... I come in to work with a plan, a clear faith based plan....trying to maintain a professional work atmosphere...after lunch, OW (which I made clear I was done with after the panic attack last week)...comes in, says sorry, tells me she loves me and will wait forever for me....WHAT???? I make it clear it over...nope, not in her mind. I am back to struggling....what now? Almost can see I am being played, but it's like a drug, can't shake it lose.... I didn't promise or say anything...just said I need time...I need major strength here .... I feel that I could slip back into the deceptive life all over again.... How do I get back in control? Google the Jezebel spirit. Ask you spiritual advisor about it. Link to post Share on other sites
ThatsJustHowIRoll Posted May 2, 2017 Share Posted May 2, 2017 You told her you need time? Time for what? You're still leading her on... keeping her hanging... and she will... she thinks now you just need "time"... not that you're completely done with her. All to feed your addictive ego, is my guess. Geez Louise! Link to post Share on other sites
wmacbride Posted May 2, 2017 Share Posted May 2, 2017 @ailed, @mercy, I cannot have NC with OW.. there is an innocent child that I need to do right by. Another posted that I purposely stayed away from developing a bond, which is true, but can't completely abandon the child.... Not as easy...a difficult road ahead. I really am proud though that I didn't go back into it today....one day at a time... I know this may not be a popular opinion, but there are times when having a parent in a child's life can do more harm than good. only be active in your son or daughter's life if you plan on being there consistently with no coming and going with a few months where he or she hears from you and then months when they don't. This is why I would suggest you sort out your marriage first. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
ConInLA Posted May 2, 2017 Share Posted May 2, 2017 You can't "end" this affair. This affair is now a part of your life FOREVER because you got your AP pregnant. Man, what a mess!! Your only choice is to confess and let the situation play out. It's beyond time that you confess, you owe your wife the truth. At the end of the day, you have to know that one day things will get better. The longer you continue the lie, the longer you delay your growth. Good luck!! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted May 2, 2017 Share Posted May 2, 2017 You can't "end" this affair. This affair is now a part of your life FOREVER because you got your AP pregnant. Man, what a mess!! Your only choice is to confess and let the situation play out. It's beyond time that you confess, you owe your wife the truth. At the end of the day, you have to know that one day things will get better. The longer you continue the lie, the longer you delay your growth. Good luck!! Absolutely. The longer you wait, the worse it will be for you. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
LivingWaterPlease Posted May 2, 2017 Share Posted May 2, 2017 VicXC, keep up your courage! God has control when you have lost control I was reading today about the conception of John via Elizabeth and Zacharias. Elizabeth was elderly when she and Zacharias conceived John and scripture records when telling her story in Luke 1, "Nothing is impossible with God." Read Luke 1 and pray over it that God will open your eyes to His desire and ability to untangle your situation. Yes, there are consequences to sin, but the best course of action for all of us sinners, because we all are, is to take it to God and leave it with Him by daily prayer and staying in His word, the Bible. One of the purposes to having daily Bible study is that as you read scripture faith is poured into you, just as you pour water from a pitcher. The longer you can spend in scripture, the more faith is poured into you, just as the longer you hold that pitcher over an empty glass the more water is poured into the glass. God will answer your prayers but if you don't have faith, you'll be too discouraged to pray. Your sin is written out on this forum but all of us who are posting our thoughts about it have our own sins, different ones than you have. God is helping many of us untangle the messes we've gotten ourselves into. So, don't beat yourself up or be down on yourself as you have expressed a tendency to do. Realize your need, take it to Him, put it on His shoulders each day because He needs an invitation daily to do what is needed that day in the strategy to solve your issue. Stay in His word to find courage for the day! For those of us who look at you (easy to do) shaking our heads and saying "what a mess!" sometimes it's easier to avoid dealing with our own messes by looking at someone elses! But, for all of us there is an answer for our messes. We are all the same, no one better than the other! God bless you. I am praying for you and your situation and am a fellow sinner with you who has found a way to live a life of joy in the midst of the suffering that can be part of life on this earth! Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted May 2, 2017 Share Posted May 2, 2017 (edited) @ailed, @mercy, I cannot have NC with OW.. there is an innocent child that I need to do right by. Another posted that I purposely stayed away from developing a bond, which is true, but can't completely abandon the child.... Not as easy...a difficult road ahead. I really am proud though that I didn't go back into it today....one day at a time... What would you do if your wife said she was willing to reconcile on the condition that you have no contact with the OW and the OC? Still supporting financially of course? The problem is that her seeing that child will be a constant reminder of your infidelity. How does one move past having a lifelong trigger like that. Sometimes in life, I'm very aware of asking something of another person, that I would be unwilling and unable to do myself if the tables were turned. Think about it. Edited May 2, 2017 by sandylee1 eta 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted May 2, 2017 Share Posted May 2, 2017 What would you do if your wife said she was willing to reconcile on the condition that you have no contact with the OW and the OC? Still supporting financially of course? The problem is that her seeing that child will be a constant reminder of your infidelity. How does one move past having a lifelong trigger like that. Sometimes in life, I'm very aware of asking something of another person, that I would be unwilling and unable to do myself if the tables were turned. Think about it. VicXC, I think these are very fair points, I'd thought about them before when you'd stated your intent to stay married. Imagine it was your wife who had the affair and was giving birth to the AP's child. How much contact with and influence in your life would you want him to have? By definition, your wife would continue in constant contact with him and that's a big ask for any BS to handle. Hobson's choice... Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
aileD Posted May 3, 2017 Share Posted May 3, 2017 VicXC, I think these are very fair points, I'd thought about them before when you'd stated your intent to stay married. Imagine it was your wife who had the affair and was giving birth to the AP's child. How much contact with and influence in your life would you want him to have? By definition, your wife would continue in constant contact with him and that's a big ask for any BS to handle. Hobson's choice... Mr. Lucky This and the previous post have some good points As a BS, I couldn't reconcile with a WS who had a child with someone else during our M. I might want to but there is no happy medium between me not wanting to see the child and me worried about him seeing child with AP around . Can't do it. Nope. I'd be worried he's sleeping with her every time he saw the kid....yet I wouldn't want him to bring the kid to our house either. I wish I was a better person. But I'm not. Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted May 3, 2017 Share Posted May 3, 2017 This and the previous post have some good points As a BS, I couldn't reconcile with a WS who had a child with someone else during our M. I might want to but there is no happy medium between me not wanting to see the child and me worried about him seeing child with AP around . Can't do it. Nope. I'd be worried he's sleeping with her every time he saw the kid....yet I wouldn't want him to bring the kid to our house either. I wish I was a better person. But I'm not . Not being able to do it doesn't make you a bad person and being able to do it doesn't make you a better person. I would file for divorce immediately if there was an OC. I couldn't do it and I really wouldn't want my children to have a relationship with the child either. It's not the child's fault, but tlhe/she would not exist, if the two parties respected my marriage. There's a marriage website that advices (in the OC situation), that the WH goes NC with both the OW/OC, if the goal is to reconcile. Same if the WW has an affair child. The guidance if they choose to reconcile, is not to tell the OM about the baby and the BH raises it as one of his own. There's no way a BS can feel safe in the marriage if the OW/OM is in the picture. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
aileD Posted May 3, 2017 Share Posted May 3, 2017 I wouldn't want my WH to abandon the child either, as it's not the fault of an innocent child. So yeah, I think I'd have to divorce and go NC with my WH for my own sanity. Also I would need to secure child support for MY children first Link to post Share on other sites
MikeM 1028 Posted May 3, 2017 Share Posted May 3, 2017 (edited) This is what I'm dealing with now. WW had gotten pregnant and had the baby from her AP. It's not something I'm capable of accepting and continuing the M, no matter how much I wanted to keep the M. So I can understand the difficulties for the OP's BW when he confesses. No real advice for the OP that's not already mentioned. Just that I can say it should be you that confesses to your W instead of her finding out from some other means. That's what happened in my situation and profundly made it worse. Showed no real remorse to me. Edited May 3, 2017 by MikeM 1028 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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