Life lessons Posted April 30, 2017 Share Posted April 30, 2017 (edited) Reall stuggling here folks....just texted my OW with pics...how do I stop? I really miss her...while at an event with my wife and kids... I am 40 years old and acting like 18!!!!! Sweetheart....believe me, I'm in your shoes..well semi..and you're going to miss her. No way around that! You have let the affair go on wayyyy to long. Even if it weren't for the child, there'd be no clean break! Time will definitely help but you have a long ways to go. Not to mention, you can't ghost her because of your shared child....therefore it's going to be a long, tough road for you! Are you certain that you want to stay married to your wife, because of love or is it financial reasons?? It seems like you obviously love both the wife and OW! Do you want to know how to stop???? Just S. T. O. P. Doing these little meaningless things!!....like sending photos. I understand you can't just stop missing OW or loving her but photos are easy not to send. Edited April 30, 2017 by Life lessons Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted April 30, 2017 Share Posted April 30, 2017 Reall stuggling here folks....just texted my OW with pics...how do I stop? I really miss her...while at an event with my wife and kids... I am 40 years old and acting like 18!!!!! Confess everything to your wife. That's how you stop it. And counseling to help you before you unravel even more. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author VicXC Posted April 30, 2017 Author Share Posted April 30, 2017 Are you certain that you want to stay married to your wife, because of love or is it financial reasons?? It seems like you obviously love both..... I do...I think I do want to stay married.... I asked earlier if I can be in love with both....all I got was judgment on why it's not feasible to love two..... I sit here, after a few drinks, in desperation for an answer. My OW has been NC since the "break up", outside of the two words at the office...she is sad, I know she is...it's her bday weekend and I miss her terribly. Guilt overcoming me for what I have been living...2 year old child that doesn't know a daddy, wife and kids that know one persona of a daddy, an affair that has taken a life of its own, a woman that has raised a child in hopes of one day her "MM" would come knocking....I could go on and on....so many disappointments, lost opportunities and a life that's not worth living...... The guilt is overbearing..........no one understands.....I am alone. Link to post Share on other sites
LivingWaterPlease Posted April 30, 2017 Share Posted April 30, 2017 I do...I think I do want to stay married.... I asked earlier if I can be in love with both....all I got was judgment on why it's not feasible to love two..... I sit here, after a few drinks, in desperation for an answer. My OW has been NC since the "break up", outside of the two words at the office...she is sad, I know she is...it's her bday weekend and I miss her terribly. Guilt overcoming me for what I have been living...2 year old child that doesn't know a daddy, wife and kids that know one persona of a daddy, an affair that has taken a life of its own, a woman that has raised a child in hopes of one day her "MM" would come knocking....I could go on and on....so many disappointments, lost opportunities and a life that's not worth living...... The guilt is overbearing..........no one understands.....I am alone. "I am with you always, even until the end of the world." Matthew 28:20 You are not alone, VicXC. God loves you and has a plan to make your life worth living for your own sake and for the sake of the little people who are depending on you to provide for them, spiritually, emotionally, physically and financially. Quit thinking about yourself and start thinking about your children, all of them. They need a father and it's time to grow up and be one they can respect. Fix your eyes on Jesus Christ by getting to know Him as a personal friend through reading His word, the Bible, and prayer each day and you'll find all the answers you've been looking for all these years. Your desires will change, but it will take time. "For whoever wishes to save his life will lose it; but whoever loses his life for My sake will find it." Matthew 16:25, Luke 9:24, Matthew 10:30, Luke 17:33 To address your cravings for OW. They will change as you begin to live right but it will take time. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
darkbloom Posted April 30, 2017 Share Posted April 30, 2017 I do...I think I do want to stay married.... I asked earlier if I can be in love with both....all I got was judgment on why it's not feasible to love two..... I sit here, after a few drinks, in desperation for an answer. My OW has been NC since the "break up", outside of the two words at the office...she is sad, I know she is...it's her bday weekend and I miss her terribly. Guilt overcoming me for what I have been living...2 year old child that doesn't know a daddy, wife and kids that know one persona of a daddy, an affair that has taken a life of its own, a woman that has raised a child in hopes of one day her "MM" would come knocking....I could go on and on....so many disappointments, lost opportunities and a life that's not worth living...... The guilt is overbearing..........no one understands.....I am alone. If you are unhappy, YOU need to change it. You are receiving judgement because you continue to play the victim. Your poor decisions got you into this mess. You must get yourself out of it by making better decisions. Is it going to hurt? Yes. This is the price you pay for what you have done. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
somanymistakes Posted April 30, 2017 Share Posted April 30, 2017 I do...I think I do want to stay married.... I asked earlier if I can be in love with both....all I got was judgment on why it's not feasible to love two..... No, you got multiple people pointing out that you're not acting like you love EITHER of them. Link to post Share on other sites
Life lessons Posted April 30, 2017 Share Posted April 30, 2017 I do...I think I do want to stay married.... I asked earlier if I can be in love with both....all I got was judgment on why it's not feasible to love two..... I sit here, after a few drinks, in desperation for an answer. My OW has been NC since the "break up", outside of the two words at the office...she is sad, I know she is...it's her bday weekend and I miss her terribly. Guilt overcoming me for what I have been living...2 year old child that doesn't know a daddy, wife and kids that know one persona of a daddy, an affair that has taken a life of its own, a woman that has raised a child in hopes of one day her "MM" would come knocking....I could go on and on....so many disappointments, lost opportunities and a life that's not worth living...... The guilt is overbearing..........no one understands.....I am alone. You "think" you want to remain married!? That doesn't sound too convincing. Of course you're going to get a lot of flack around here....I did as well....and I didn't have a love child....but the advice helped me tremendously. And let me tell you, I was beat up pretty bad....but it still helped me and was appreciated. The advice gives us other ways to look at the situation and helps us to try to make the right decisions.... I do think it's completely possible to love two people. Any things possible! Feasible? No! I'm a believer that you can't help whom you fall in love with. Although the situation, yours and mine both, could've definitely been prevented. Apparently we weren't strong enough and it's got you in a huge mess! And no, I can't Imagine the pain and conflict you're having to go through. I'm certain it is difficult. In all honestly, it's sad! I feel so bad for your baby! Do you plan on him never knowing you as "dad"? Also, considering you and OW have "broken up", do you not see it misleading that you're sending her photos/texts? If not, I'll let you know-----it's misleading--it's giving her false hope! She's obviously in a tough spot as well. As You have stated, you have control over her financially AND have a child with her....yes, I do feel like she probably planned the pregnancy...she wanted it to happen, probably in hopes that you would leave your wife, and be with her. OR it could've been for financial reasons or to even insure you stayed in Herbalife permanently. Some women are wired that way and will do whatever it takes.....she seems like one of those women! If that's the case, as it seems, it's only a matter of time before she informs your wife! And she will! She knows your wealthy and that she will get a good amount of child support from you---which again, could've very well been her plan to trap you! I don't know considering I don't know her...but you need to tell your wife. Typically I'm one of the ones that think you, the wayward, knows best, in regards to confession and would say it is up to that individual....but your situation is completely different because of the child involved! Your wife WILL find out, whether from you or your OW. It's best for you to finally man up and be honest. And life IS worth living....you've just hit a very rough spot. It will get better and I think the sooner you tell your wife....the better it'll be for you! It will lift a ton off of you! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted April 30, 2017 Share Posted April 30, 2017 You "think" you want to remain married!? That doesn't sound too convincing. Of course you're going to get a lot of flack around here....I did as well....and I didn't have a love child....but the advice helped me tremendously. And let me tell you, I was beat up pretty bad....but it still helped me and was appreciated. The advice gives us other ways to look at the situation and helps us to try to make the right decisions.... I do think it's completely possible to love two people. Any things possible! Feasible? No! I'm a believer that you can't help whom you fall in love with. Although the situation, yours and mine both, could've definitely been prevented. Apparently we weren't strong enough and it's got you in a huge mess! And no, I can't Imagine the pain and conflict you're having to go through. I'm certain it is difficult. In all honestly, it's sad! I feel so bad for your baby! Do you plan on him never knowing you as "dad"? Also, considering you and OW have "broken up", do you not see it misleading that you're sending her photos/texts? If not, I'll let you know-----it's misleading--it's giving her false hope! She's obviously in a tough spot as well. As You have stated, you have control over her financially AND have a child with her....yes, I do feel like she probably planned the pregnancy...she wanted it to happen, probably in hopes that you would leave your wife, and be with her. OR it could've been for financial reasons or to even insure you stayed in Herbalife permanently. Some women are wired that way and will do whatever it takes.....she seems like one of those women! If that's the case, as it seems, it's only a matter of time before she informs your wife! And she will! She knows your wealthy and that she will get a good amount of child support from you---which again, could've very well been her plan to trap you! I don't know considering I don't know her...but you need to tell your wife. Typically I'm one of the ones that think you, the wayward, knows best, in regards to confession and would say it is up to that individual....but your situation is completely different because of the child involved! Your wife WILL find out, whether from you or your OW. It's best for you to finally man up and be honest. And life IS worth living....you've just hit a very rough spot. It will get better and I think the sooner you tell your wife....the better it'll be for you! It will lift a ton off of you! Only when there is no true respect in a relationship can you truly believe you know what's best for your partner. After all, a cheaters decision making has proven to be poor at best, this fact shows they lack the empathy to respectfully make decisions in terms of what's best for the spouse. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted April 30, 2017 Share Posted April 30, 2017 I do...I think I do want to stay married.... I asked earlier if I can be in love with both....all I got was judgment on why it's not feasible to love two..... You can love both but my guess is you're more emotionally attached and invested in your OW than your own wife. Lust, major sexual attraction plays a big part in what you're experiencing too. You cannot compare that to what you have with your wife (affair feelings vs long marriage feelings), it will never be the same but my guess is you felt similar FOR your wife at the beginning of your relationship. I sit here, after a few drinks, in desperation for an answer. My OW has been NC since the "break up", outside of the two words at the office...she is sad, I know she is...it's her bday weekend and I miss her terribly. Guilt overcoming me for what I have been living...2 year old child that doesn't know a daddy, wife and kids that know one persona of a daddy, an affair that has taken a life of its own, a woman that has raised a child in hopes of one day her "MM" would come knocking....I could go on and on....so many disappointments, lost opportunities and a life that's not worth living...... The guilt is overbearing..........no one understands.....I am alone. Do you have a trusted male buddy you can talk to about this? Not sure if you answered this or not but are you willing to go to counseling to help you cope with it all and to help you make the right choice by confessing to your wife? Of course you're going to get a lot of flack around here....I did as well....and I didn't have a love child....but the advice helped me tremendously. And let me tell you, I was beat up pretty bad....but it still helped me and was appreciated. The advice gives us other ways to look at the situation and helps us to try to make the right decisions.... Tough love is helpful as long as it's respectful and said from a place of wanting to help. I think you can figure out which advice is tough love and which isn't. The stuff that isn't, ignore and just focus on those who are trying to help you, not those who are just trying to tell you off. Link to post Share on other sites
aileD Posted April 30, 2017 Share Posted April 30, 2017 No. You can't be in love with both. The "love" you have with the mistress is not true love. It is limerence and lust and chemicals fueled by the illicitness and secrecy of your affair. The love you have with your wife has already been through that limerence stage, moved through some struggles of living together and marriage and kids and home ownership and into the comfortable true love stage where there is safety and security and emotional comfoft. most people only hope to be here. It's also the place most men start to think is a little boring in the romance/sex/lust department you need to tell someone. It's eating at you from the inside out and you're going to self destruct then all those kids will be left with nothing but struggles and blaming themselves and wondering why you didn't love them enough. Church is tomorrow right? You need to talk to someone asap. Your wife surely can tell there is something wrong.....you need to clear this up soon before it's so much worse than it is now Prayers 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted April 30, 2017 Share Posted April 30, 2017 I do...I think I do want to stay married.... Your chances of staying married increase by multiples if you voluntarily confess as opposed to being found out. And be found out you will... Mr. Lucky 3 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted April 30, 2017 Share Posted April 30, 2017 I do...I think I do want to stay married.... I asked earlier if I can be in love with both.... I sit here, after a few drinks, in desperation for an answer. My OW has been NC since the "break up", outside of the two words at the office...she is sad, I know she is...it's her bday weekend and I miss her terribly. You "think" you want to stay married? But, you are not sure... Because, you love the woman who probably manipulated you into having a child with the hope that she can draw you away from your wife... Is that love? Well consider this - the "fantasy" that you have with the other woman won't be nearly as exciting when you are finally together and the excitement of the relationship has worn off because you are raising a child, dealing with an angry ex-wife, your kids are upset because of the fact that you have left your family for another woman, you are dealing with child custody issues, and you are paying thousands in spousal and child support... Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted April 30, 2017 Share Posted April 30, 2017 I asked earlier if I can be in love with both....all I got was judgment on why it's not feasible to love two.... I sit here, after a few drinks, in desperation for an answer. The guilt is overbearing..........no one understands.....I am alone. You can love both, but you can't have both. Unless, you continue to do what you have been doing and put your own selfish interest ahead of absolutely everyone else that you "profess to love" ... When in reality, it is not love. It is self-interest. Be sure to sit right up front in church today... I think it's going to be a long hour, with a lot of thinking for you... Link to post Share on other sites
Author VicXC Posted April 30, 2017 Author Share Posted April 30, 2017 Well consider this - the "fantasy" that you have with the other woman won't be nearly as exciting when you are finally together and the excitement of the relationship has worn off because you are raising a child, dealing with an angry ex-wife, your kids are upset because of the fact that you have left your family for another woman, you are dealing with child custody issues, and you are paying thousands in spousal and child support... Many here have said this.....I know this....but the "fantasy" is addictive...the brain literally goes on an oxytocin high when we are together...time stops and every sensory connector is firing..... Confiding in any of my close friends would end up in a disaster as they all know my wife and respect her tremendously for the great woman/mother that she is. Plus, no man is this stupid to ruin what I have over another woman.....or so I thought...... I am finding the feedback here is very much appreciated. Even the direct rude ones that are calling me names. I deserve nothing less for the deceptive and manipulative life I've lived the last 3 years....... Link to post Share on other sites
mercy Posted April 30, 2017 Share Posted April 30, 2017 Many here have said this.....I know this....but the "fantasy" is addictive...the brain literally goes on an oxytocin high when we are together...time stops and every sensory connector is firing..... I have the exact same feeling when I'm around pizza. Did you read Proverbs 3? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted April 30, 2017 Share Posted April 30, 2017 Confiding in any of my close friends would end up in a disaster as they all know my wife and respect her tremendously for the great woman/mother that she is. This is you still thinking you can control and manage the situation. When your affair and love child are the talk of the town, won't your close friends find out? You're in a lot of trouble. Have the humility to ask for help, you're going to need it... Mr. Lucky 4 Link to post Share on other sites
MickeyBill Posted April 30, 2017 Share Posted April 30, 2017 (edited) You have mentioned many times that you will lose everything if this mess is exposed...in reality you will not, you will lose a lot but divorces happen all the time. Most people recover. And many end up working thru the affair and become better partners. You never can tell. You mentioned that you are in a power position at work. If she gets a shark lawyer and decides to file a harassment claim it will get ugly. If you own the company , that is a point in your favor as you can do things like $$$ payoff easier. If you have partners or are in a large corporation, most will frown on married powerful execs having children with subordinates. You could lose your job (but you will get another) and her career will hit a brick wall, to avoid a wrongful termination lawsuit.. Do you have some sort of legal/formal agreement with the OM regarding your financial support to raise your/her child? Or is it more of a hush money sort of situation? As you said her financial life is in your hands which can be interpreted as a threat. If you threaten someone they may strike back. Like showing up at your home with "her" kid. What part did you play in her cancelled wedding? Divorces are hard but I think living a web of lies of this magnitude will be harder because your BS will find out someday, it is inevitable. Your kids will hate you for a while then eventually just hate what you did, and hopefully accept the new paradigm. You sound wealthy so even if you have to pay alimony and child support to ALL of your kids you will be ok, probably better off than most people. If you lose your job because of this another company will look past the transgression if you are worth it to them. Bottomline is you are juggling a lot of people's lives just to cover your own ass. Edited April 30, 2017 by MickeyBill 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Betrayed&Stayed Posted April 30, 2017 Share Posted April 30, 2017 I do...I think I do want to stay married.... I asked earlier if I can be in love with both....all I got was judgment on why it's not feasible to love two..... I guess you can love two people, but not the way you went about it with secrets, adultery, lying, deceit, manipulation, and a secret love child. After all, that's how you got to this point. No? I find it hard to find "love" in either one of your relationships. I only see love for yourself. Tell your wife about your love child and see if she wants you to stay married? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted April 30, 2017 Share Posted April 30, 2017 @VicXC, When she cancelled her wedding, did you give her any hope or promise of a future together? In the last 3 years have you discussed a future with her that involved leaving your wife? If so, now that you've ended things, she could change her attitude? I see that you'll be speaking to a Church Elder, so I hope it goes okay. As everyone has advised, you can't keep a lid on this one, not with a child involved. If it ends up with your wife wanting a divorce, then you'll have to accept that as a consequence for having the affair. if she needs space after hearing, think about where you can go. If your wife chooses reconciliation, then you have to look at not having the OW work for you and implementing NC, especially as you still actually have feelings for her, otherwise your marriage doesn't stand a chance. You can still do NC with a child involved. There will be issues like visitation with OWs child. Your children knowing they have a half brother. How that is explained to them is something that needs to be looked at. I know a BW who has lived and breathed the OC experience, she chose reconciliation and if you get to the stage of getting enough posts to private message, you can PM me for details and I know she'd be a great support for your BW. If you are not 100% sure about wanting your marriage, then do not make false promises to your wife because she deserves better than that. This may not be a popular view, but your BW will want to see that you are putting her and the COM (children of the marriage), before the OW and the OC. You need to follow your BWs needs, taking the cue from her, if you are lucky enough to get the opportunity to try and reconcile. Added to the fact that the OW has met your wife and your COM have met the OC, all be it unknowingly. She's likely to freak out if she finds out about that. She could feel she's been made to look like a fool and it's actually these things that could be the deal-breaker. She will want to see that you are protecting their (COM) interests, because from her POV, those are the only children you would have, if you kept you vows. She may feel sorry for the OC, she may not, even though he's totally innocent in all this. She should not be judged by you, your family members or friends for her reaction, whatever it is. Other things that could cross your BWs mind are college funds, trust funds and inheritance. She will want the COM protected and seen as a priority. Most BWs in this situation go into full protective mode. From her POV, she has to look after the best interest of the COM, because you haven't. This is what leading a double life can lead to: Andrew Ingham hanged himself after secret of double life with 2 wives and 12 children was exposed | Daily Mail Online Although the OW, didn't realise she was an OW. Link to post Share on other sites
wmacbride Posted April 30, 2017 Share Posted April 30, 2017 Your first step is to tell your wife what has been going on. Allow her the knowledge she needs to make fully informed decisions about her life. Next, got to see a lawyer ( if you haven't already) to make sure that you have something in place that outlines how you will support you new son or daughter. He or she didn't ask for any of this, and he or she, along with your other children and your wife should be your top priority. The rest, you'll have to sort through all of that. It's not going to be easy, but no matter what, you will get through it, an you'll have a huge weight lifted off you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
HeartbrokenDec29 Posted April 30, 2017 Share Posted April 30, 2017 Yes, I've made a HUGE mistake....I also am a believer in god...at church every Sunday...I am living and have been living a double life for 3 years...I am very confused and really in guilt over my kids...to me, that's the worst....my kids have met their other sibling under "false" pretence not knowing they are from the same father.... I've weaved a very complicated web and unable to untangle or talk to anyone about it.. What do I do? Confess to wife and ruin her life and my kids? I don't want to be with the OW as I will never trust her...I know that... I've ended the A, but now will abandon the OW (except for keeping her financially secure)...her kid will never know his real father... I'm sorry to say but you do sound as though you are being selfish. You cant trust the other woman? Yet you can trust her to have sex without protection. What do I do? Confess to wife and ruin her life and my kids? I don't want to be with the OW as I will never trust her...I know that...- This is a purely selfish and one sided thought I've ended the A, but now will abandon the OW (except for keeping her financially secure)...her kid will never know his real father...- Do you think this exOW does not have emotions, She gave birth to a child for you. How can you talk this heartless?! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
HeartbrokenDec29 Posted April 30, 2017 Share Posted April 30, 2017 @seahorse.... That's the guilt I feel the most weight from,...the kid growing up not knowing his real father. Not having a lineage or identity....very excruciating to carry around... I am going to follow @aileD's recommendation and talk to my church elder about next steps...I need this guilt off of me and I need to move on, despite how ugly it's going to get... Maybe you are having a mid life crisis. I think my xMM did as well. Reading your story, i thank God i never got pregnant for my xMM. I remember what he said to me was that Only God can restore what i have lost since he had the impression i couldnt give birth which i did to test him. I now imagine if i truly I had an abortion for him and how i would have felt if he said such to me, I probably would have dug two graves!! I remember my xMM wanted me to desperately get pregnant for him even though he was against his wife getting pregnant at home when she told him she was pregnant with the fourth child. Thank God i didnt ruin my life!!!! Thank you Lorrrrddddd!!.. Thank you!!! He even said it as selfish as you speak! Saying that when will his wife not find out about the other kids out there! Even if i was stupid, I thank God he didnt allow me make that colossal mistake!!! His wife still doesnt know about his miscellaneous kids with other MW. Im sorry for rantng but i Just cant help but thank God for my life. Confess to your wife Please 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BTDT2012 Posted April 30, 2017 Share Posted April 30, 2017 Tell your wife. If she wants a divorce, give it to her along with a generous financial settlement. I suggest you have your spiritual advisor present. This has got to be one of the most selfish things I have ever read. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
HeartbrokenDec29 Posted April 30, 2017 Share Posted April 30, 2017 (edited) My question remains to the OM, did she tell you she intentionally miss taking her drugs? I think you should be fair in telling this story and stop making it look as if she did it on purpose. She could have have just as well forgotten not because she wanted to get pregnant for you but because it skipped her mind and may be life got busy. This happens as well when people are on the pill! Edited May 1, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Link to post Share on other sites
William Posted May 1, 2017 Share Posted May 1, 2017 Folks, had to do a little clean-up after getting an alert on this one. As always, remember that our civility&respect guidelines apply so if you find a topic distasteful, by all means feel free not to participate and move on to a thread where you can post in a more supportive manner. ~T Link to post Share on other sites
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