Newbie - which way to go after affair

[Cephalopod]

OP what were the circumstances of your husband's money issues? This seems to be the root of the whole fiasco. A woman will lose respect for a man who loses his ability to support her and her children. It would help us understand your situation better if you can give us some details.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Folks, I had asked OP some questions and she did reply to some of them. The ones she did reply to seem to be some of the most important in so far as they relate to her specific case. The points she highlighted are as under.

 

a) She met her husband soon after finishing school at which time she was likely only seventeen years old or thereabouts. She has not mentioned how old her husband is but I am assuming he was a bit older than her and was an overpowering influence in her life at that juncture. She has stated that she was not sure about marriage but that her husband was very keen on it. Possibly she was browbeaten into matrimony when she was not really ready for it or wanting it.

b) Her husband has indulged in rash financial transactions some of which were hidden from her such that they have been reduced to depending solely on her income even though he earns more than her. This would amount to financial infidelity as has been discussed on this forum in previous cases.

c) Personality wise they are probably two opposite ends of the spectrum. When one is young and immature one can get carried away by someone who seems dashing and popular. Apparently the OP's husband was in that category and swept her off her feet at an age where she was still immature. She has not mentioned what her age and that of her husband is but I would think they would be in their late twenties or early thirties.

d) She has mentioned that they have had the same problems for years and that her husband seems unwilling to work on them. From the way she has written it appears that the problems are due to him although she has not clarified what these problems are.

 

With all this having been gleaned from her reply and the fact that in her initial post she has admitted that she fell deeply in love with her OM and that he reciprocated her feelings, plus the fact that no where has she mentioned that she loves/ had loved her husband leads me to believe that whatever she felt for her husband in the early part of her relationship was just infatuation and not true love of the kind that can carry you through the storms of life. Her dilemma right now is that she has two small children and that since her husband has got himself into a financial mess, that he will not be able to survive if they divorce and may face extremely difficult circumstances. Since she is the one who has cheated and now wants to bail on him and the family, she is naturally feeling very confused and guilty. There is no simple answer to her dilemma because whatever way she chooses, she is going to face heartbreak. Abandoning her marriage and breaking up her family will always weigh heavily on her conscience with the added heartbreak of disrupting her children's lives. On the other hand giving up her OM who, as per her admission, she loves deeply, will forever break her heart and she may never recover from the pain of the breakup.

 

My own opinion on how she should proceed is that she should initiate divorce proceedings with her husband but she should not ask for spousal or child support. Since her husband is in dire financial straits she should show compassion where it is needed and not touch him for money. As far as the children are concerned she should seek full custody and work out some agreement with her husband that he can have access to them as per his desire as long as that is reasonable. After her divorce, she should live on her own or with her parents if need be, for a reasonable period of time before she thinks of dating her OM if she is still interested in pursuing that relationship and assuming the OM is still interested in her. I think this is the only way that she can minimize the collateral damage that her cheating and decision to split her family will entail. I guess others will have different opinions but I think OP needs to hear all of them before taking a call on what she plans to do.

 

In closing I would like to say that folks seemed to have missed the post where OP clarified on some of the queries I had raised with her and which I feel are very pertinent to offering any solution to her situation. Warm wishes.

[Mrs. John Adams]

Whoknew30...

 

Maybe the issue you and I are having is that you are applying your situation to that of this op and I am speaking specifically to her and her own situation.

 

If you go back to her very first post she explains that.. she wants to stay because of her children... however ... she is deeply in love with her ap and he reciprocates that feeling.

 

Her husband found out about her affair and told her he will fight for her... she does not want to destroy him however she is torn because she is in love with the other man. Her question was who do I chose?

 

Many waywards are in the fog or as you called it a bubble ... and they still have feelings for their affair partner... but have chosen reconciliation.

 

No where in her post did she declare that she is deeply in love with her husband... she feels sorry for him because she of course cares about his well being.

 

In all of my posts I have tried to stress that reconciliation in the best of circumstances is difficult. ... and in this case in particular... I fear that this is not going to turn out well.

 

I do not think that if a wayward declares she and her affair partner are deeply in love... that this is a good foundation for reconciliation to build on.

 

I do believe we can control feelings... I do believe that most betrayed spouses would be devastated to hear their wayward declare they are deeply in love with the ap....

 

I don't know your heart or the heart of your husband.. and god bless you both if you were able to overcome an obstacle like the one this op finds herself in.

 

In my case... had I declared that I was deeply in love with my ap.. my husband would not have even considered reconciliation.

 

Add to this situation the fact that this woman works in close proximity with her ap. This certainly compounds the entire situation.

 

I hope I am wrong... I hope this woman gets exactly what she wants and I truly wish her the best of luck... but it is my opinion.. that reconciliation for this relationship will be extremely difficult if not darn near impossible.

 

It is your opinion that they can achieve reconciliation and live happily ever after and that she may forever love her ap.

 

We disagree with each other and there are obviously others who agree with you and there are others who agree with me.

 

I hope I am wrong. I truly do. As my president often says... believe me

[Cephalopod]

If BH is up to his ears in debt, or is in trouble with the IRS, she is going be liable for his debt. I think this is why she is hesitantly divorce. I can't say I blame her.

[Cephalopod]

Whoknew30...

 

Maybe the issue you and I are having is that you are applying your situation to that of this op and I am speaking specifically to her and her own situation.

 

If you go back to her very first post she explains that.. she wants to stay because of her children... however ... she is deeply in love with her ap and he reciprocates that feeling.

 

Her husband found out about her affair and told her he will fight for her... she does not want to destroy him however she is torn because she is in love with the other man. Her question was who do I chose?

 

Many waywards are in the fog or as you called it a bubble ... and they still have feelings for their affair partner... but have chosen reconciliation.

 

No where in her post did she declare that she is deeply in love with her husband... she feels sorry for him because she of course cares about his well being.

 

In all of my posts I have tried to stress that reconciliation in the best of circumstances is difficult. ... and in this case in particular... I fear that this is not going to turn out well.

 

I do not think that if a wayward declares she and her affair partner are deeply in love... that this is a good foundation for reconciliation to build on.

 

I do believe we can control feelings... I do believe that most betrayed spouses would be devastated to hear their wayward declare they are deeply in love with the ap....

 

I don't know your heart or the heart of your husband.. and god bless you both if you were able to overcome an obstacle like the one this op finds herself in.

 

In my case... had I declared that I was deeply in love with my ap.. my husband would not have even considered reconciliation.

 

Add to this situation the fact that this woman works in close proximity with her ap. This certainly compounds the entire situation.

 

I hope I am wrong... I hope this woman gets exactly what she wants and I truly wish her the best of luck... but it is my opinion.. that reconciliation for this relationship will be extremely difficult if not darn near impossible.

 

It is your opinion that they can achieve reconciliation and live happily ever after and that she may forever love her ap.

 

We disagree with each other and there are obviously others who agree with you and there are others who agree with me.

 

I hope I am wrong. I truly do. As my president often says... believe me

 

But is it love or limerance? That is the question. If it the latter she may have a chance to pull her head out of her butt.

[Mrs. John Adams]

But is it love or limerance? That is the question. If it the latter she may have a chance to pull her head out of her butt.

 

All I can go by is her own words... I am deeply in love with the om and he with me.

 

she has ended the affair several times but she loves him

 

The bigger issue is.. does she still love her husband?

 

She has not said she does ...

[JustJoe]

I agree that the shock of my infidelity will still hit my husband. Up until now he's main focus was not to let me go. He hasn't had time to really process and deal with what I've done.

 

I know the reason for AF's divorce, I've met his ex wife and I know his family.

 

I don't want to hurt my husband more than I already have. I don't want to just walk out either because I know what it would do to him and also that he won't be able to survive financially.

 

I would love to just be on my own and not just running into AF's arms. I want to be independant, but due to finances it is really difficult. AF would be able to support me but I don't want it..

Mrs. Adams is right, you should be 100% behind your husband...and clearly you are not. You spend as much time talking about your AP as you do about your family. This shows that you are not committed to reconciliation. GET a divorce and spare your family further harm.

[livelifegood]

If I may add, and please don't see this as me trying to justify the A.

BH has a very close relationship with his family, one I respect and tried my very best to be a part of. They never really accepted me, no matter how hard I tried. I never expected him to pick a side and have always told him that what ever diffirences there may be between his family and myself, it is something I would like to sort out and not place him in the middle and force him to pick a side. Over time I have seen him rather going with his family than me. I accepted this, I accepted that I will never be his firts priority. Why be agry if you can just accept and get along? It still hurt to see him rather keeping his mother company at home than being by my bedside after having serious complications after giving birth. Listening how his family demanding me from where I have to sit to how I need to take care of my kids, my husband and household.

 

I should have told BH of the A sooner I guess, or how serious the issues were, but I was scared as well. Whenever a discussion became too serious he would threaten to end his life. After the A came to light, I had to beg him not to take his own life, to think of the kids. He really is a great dad. My parents were scared that he would do something to me. I know he would never. He has anger issues but has never raised his hands. Broken stuff in the house or a fist fight with a door maybe, but rarely. He feels it would be easier if he had to see me die in a car crash or something, but leaving him for another man is just too painful. I'm sure anyone who has been betrayed like this would feel the same as him.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Folks, one other point I wanted to chime in on was what is being discussed about feelings. Whoknew has a point about women having feelings for someone that they are having an affair with especially if they have sex with the person. I think that is valid and there are very few women who would be able to separate sex from feelings However, once the affair is over and the woman has decided to reconcile(true reconciliation) and reconnect with her husband, harbouring any feelings for the AP would be emotional cheating in my book. There is a thread here of a lady who says she carried a flame for her first love for twenty five years and then connected up with him on Facebook and had an affair with him. Feelings can lie dormant for years and then suddenly, without warning, flare up and lead to affairs. Feelings are a powerful drive and once the genie is let out of the bottle, cannot be controlled. Also, for feelings to survive, there has to be a source of nourishment. The nourishment can come from pleasant and happy thoughts of the time spent with the AP. It can also be fueled by guilt if the AP was dumped unceremoniously, in favour of reconciliation with one's husband. Whatever the reason for the feelings to linger, the fact remains that they can sprout at any time without warning. This is the reason so many WS have affairs with their old exs'. Suddenly, old and dormant feelings rise to the top and take over the person's emotions. This is why it is imperative to clear and root out any lingering feelings one may have one's AP if one wants to successfully go on to truly reconcile with one's spouse. I think the Bible also said in so many words that if a man look upon a woman with lust in his eyes then he has already committed adultery with her even though he may not have lifted a little finger to satisfy his desire or words to that effect.

 

Sorry, but this is just my opinion. Warm wishes.

[somanymistakes]

Sure, and when someone develops a magic potion you can drink to make yourself stop feeling something that you don't want to feel, get back to us, because a lot of people would be interested in that development...

 

No contact doesn't do it. Truly believing there is never and will never be a future with the other person doesn't do it. Twenty-five years apart doesn't do it.

[Mrs. John Adams]

Sure, and when someone develops a magic potion you can drink to make yourself stop feeling something that you don't want to feel, get back to us, because a lot of people would be interested in that development...

 

No contact doesn't do it. Truly believing there is never and will never be a future with the other person doesn't do it. Twenty-five years apart doesn't do it.

 

No one is saying that feelings don't exist ... no one is saying that people live together while they still love someone else...

 

I am saying if you know full well you no longer love your spouse and you love someone else... the relationship with you spouse will forever be tainted... there will always be a piece of you who really wants to be somewhere else. You cannot give your whole heart or 100% of your commitment to your spouse if part of your heart belongs to someone else. If you know this..... then the question becomes... is it fair to your spouse to be in a reconciliation that is not 100%?

 

I am not saying it doesn't happen... I am saying it is not the best of situations.

 

Let me reverse this... let's say that this woman's husband wants to stay married to her... but he will never be able to forgive her for what she has done. Is it then fair to her to tell her.. yes I want reconciliation but he doesn't give it his 100%?

 

It goes both ways.

 

I am 100% committed to my relationship with my husband and he is 100% committed to his relationship with me. If either of us was not 100% committed to each other then is it fair to continue in the relationship based on lies?

 

I was infatuated with my ap but when I told my husband about my affair... I was 100% all in trying to save my marriage. When my husband told me he wanted me to remain his wife... he committed to me.

 

Trusting each other takes time... learning to forgive... takes time... achieving remorse.. takes time.

 

But if I had said to him... I want to remain married to you but I love my ap and I don't love you... he would have shown me the door... and rightfully so.

 

If he had said to me.. you can remain my wife but I will never love you again... I would have left.

 

In other words.. there has to be something in the relationship to save. There has to be a foundation to rebuild on. If love no longer exists... then what do you reconcile? Do you simply exist together all the while harboring resentment and wishing you could be somewhere else?

 

Not me... I am not living my life that way.

 

This woman has been in an unhappy relationship this whole time. She has never had a good marriage. I guess I am asking.. what is she saving? And will she forever be unhappy? It isn't fair to either of them.

 

But so they say... life is not fair

[Chaparral]

I can't because of the kids. That would mean they will have to change schools and I don't want to do that.

 

I would really want to give it a chance between myself and AF, but I know that there is always a chance of things not working out. I don't want to think of it as a fairytale, the happily ever after. I want to be realistic about it

 

Google infidelity statistics. Only 3 out of a hundred couples that start out as affair partners last long term. Only one in ten make it three years. It's the kind of thing cheaters earn along with their lost reputations that can never be earned back.

[Mr. Lucky]

Twenty-five years apart doesn't do it.

 

It boggles the mind that someone could be so callous as to keep their BS physically close but emotionally at arm's length while they carry the torch for someone else - for 25 years :eek: !!!

 

Could someone really be that cruel?

 

Mr. Lucky

[Mrs. John Adams]

It boggles the mind that someone could be so callous as to keep their BS physically close but emotionally at arm's length while they carry the torch for someone else - for 25 years :eek: !!!

 

Could someone really be that cruel?

 

Mr. Lucky

 

that is what i am talking about....thank you

[somanymistakes]

It boggles the mind that someone could be so callous as to keep their BS physically close but emotionally at arm's length while they carry the torch for someone else - for 25 years :eek: !!!

 

Could someone really be that cruel?

 

Mr. Lucky

 

I'm not sure why still caring about someone you haven't seen in 25 years translates as keeping your spouse emotionally at arm's length?

 

I mean, if you find that your spouse is still sad about the death of their childhood friend 25 years later, does this mean your spouse never loved you? I don't understand this at all.

 

This is kind of going off topic though.

 

I mean, if you ARE intentionally treating your spouse like a second-best option for that long, that IS an awful thing to do and I don't know why you would do that.

[Mrs. John Adams]

I'm not sure why still caring about someone you haven't seen in 25 years translates as keeping your spouse emotionally at arm's length?

 

I mean, if you find that your spouse is still sad about the death of their childhood friend 25 years later, does this mean your spouse never loved you? I don't understand this at all.

 

This is kind of going off topic though.

 

I mean, if you ARE intentionally treating your spouse like a second-best option for that long, that IS an awful thing to do and I don't know why you would do that.

 

Here'e the difference as I see it.

 

If you are still harboring love and afection and fond memories for an affair partner that you cheated on your spouse with....the affair partner always remains in the relationship you have with your spouse.

 

There is a huge difference in mourning a childhood friend...and mourning an affair partner or thinking fondly of him.

 

My affair partner is not a fond memory....and if i said to my husband...oh honey...I was thinking about my affair partner today....what a great guy....

 

I would be out the door faster than lightening.

 

If I said to my husband...oh honey today I was thinking about my friend that got killed in a car wreck....he might say...oh hon I am so sorry for your sadness.

 

See the difference?

 

This op loves her affair partner...the love she has for him will always come between her and her husband.

 

Now...if her husband is ok with that...great.

Edited April 27, 2017 by Mrs. John Adams

[road]

As most that have been in an A know...there's a thing called A bubble.

 

Anyone on a long term A with feelings is going to be all confused. Especially with most women, when being intimate with a man multiple times, women tend to get feelings even if it didn't start that way.

 

I felt absolutely nothing for my H during my A & at times even felt I hated him. I realized after the bubble popped that I didn't hate my H, that I was extremely hurt by him but on the other hand, I did still deep down care for my OM after the bubbled popped but still let him go.

 

So the one person that have that's giving the advice has been in a similar situation...it's amazing to me that no one else has spoke about getting out of A bubble for her to clear her head to see if it's really love.

 

If couples didn't try reconciling based on feelings alone, then I would assume that A would turn into the number one cause of divorce, which it's not. There's no way every single WS has has walked into MC, not confused about their feelings for AP...especially in a long term A. Most people extremely torn & confused when their A is "out".

 

Exactly this.

 

No WW will have feelings for her BH on D day because she allowed

the OM to replace her BH. Thus the WW confusion do I divorce my

BH for the POS OM or recovery my marriage with my BH.

[road]

Mrs. Adams is right, you should be 100% behind your husband...and clearly you are not. You spend as much time talking about your AP as you do about your family. This shows that you are not committed to reconciliation. GET a divorce and spare your family further harm.

 

Then if that is the truth then no WW should recover their marriage but

divorce their BH instead.

 

But it is not the truth.

 

The truth is that the WW is always in the fog of the affair. Some come

out of the fog fast and others take a long time to defog.

[Mrs. John Adams]

Exactly this.

 

No WW will have feelings for her BH on D day because she allowed

the OM to replace her BH. Thus the WW confusion do I divorce my

BH for the POS OM or recovery my marriage with my BH.

 

I had feelings for my husband on DDAY....am I the only WW who did? I doubt it.

[Mrs. John Adams]

Then if that is the truth then no WW should recover their marriage but

divorce their BH instead.

 

But it is not the truth.

 

The truth is that the WW is always in the fog of the affair. Some come

out of the fog fast and others take a long time to defog.

 

I was not in the fog....and my husband gave me the gift of reconciliation....and i was 100% committed to our reconciliation.

 

AM I the only wayward to not have fog and committed to reconciliation?

 

I doubt it

[aliveagain]

I don't know how you expect your relationship with your husband to even have a chance when your at the very best only part time in your marriage. This is your mess and it is up to you to fix it one way or another. It's your children that I grieve for, they don't deserve what you've done to them. They don't think your selfish right now but how do you think they will react when they are told the truth when they are old enough? Let's assume you leave your husband for your other man and let's assume your relationship with him lasts longer then one year. What will your children think of him when they learn the truth of how he with your help destroyed their fathers life? I'm sure they will love him because you love him right?

 

Like Mrs. JA has suggested, get professional help with someone experience in infidelity. Stop communicating with the other man, get distance from your husband and go and get your sh*t together and make a choice and stick to it. It is time you became honest with everyone that your hurting. Talk about coincidence, Karen Souza's version of Creep is playing on my stereo.

[livelifegood]

I know this is my mess, I know what thatbmy kids will grow up one day and understand what I have done and I am well aware of the implications. I have thought of this day in and day out. I also thought of what example am I, what example is my BH to our kids. My husband and I have both made some bad choices in life, him with finances and me with the A. But I know the A will have a greater impact that my husband's bad choices.

 

As for the debate regarding feelings. I never said I don't love my husband. During the whole A all I did was holding on to good memories we shared. I tried to focus on the good memories, but I knew we had problems that can not be ignored any longer. Am I willing to work on it? I don't know. My husband has promised me so many times over the years that things would change and it never did. So yes, both need to be in it 100%

 

My husband knows that I love the OM, he asked me to stay despite the fact that I love another man. He said he knows the feeling and he knows it will be very difficult but we can make it work. I know before we got married he was engaged to his ex and had an A with a married woman. It lasted a couple months before the BH found out and it ended between them. I guess that is why my BH is so understanding over all of this. Maybe he went through something during our M that I'm not aware of. Either way, he understands and has said it more than once that he knows what it feels like and knows what I'm going through.

 

I want to give our M another chance to see if we can make it work, even if I still have feelings for OM. I agree with a previous post about being in the fog, and giving my M another chance will show me if this bubble will pop or not. Yet, while I have to work hard to make it work, so will my husband. Yes I cheated, but the infidelity he caused financially also hurt me. Thus we both have to work on what we have done to see a change.

[aliveagain]

I know this is my mess, I know what thatbmy kids will grow up one day and understand what I have done and I am well aware of the implications. I have thought of this day in and day out. I also thought of what example am I, what example is my BH to our kids. My husband and I have both made some bad choices in life, him with finances and me with the A. But I know the A will have a greater impact that my husband's bad choices.

 

You have thought of this day in and day out but it's still not enough to stop you from cheating.

 

As for the debate regarding feelings. I never said I don't love my husband. During the whole A all I did was holding on to good memories we shared. I tried to focus on the good memories, but I knew we had problems that can not be ignored any longer. Am I willing to work on it? I don't know. My husband has promised me so many times over the years that things would change and it never did. So yes, both need to be in it 100%

 

"My husband knows that I love the OM, he asked me to stay despite the fact that I love another man"

 

 

You put him in this position by bringing a predator into your marriage, no husband should have to be put into the position of having to compete with another man for his wife. Your cheating has nothing to do with issues in your marriage. Nothing your husband or your children did pushed you into the arms of another man. Your cheating because you want to.

 

He said he knows the feeling and he knows it will be very difficult but we can make it work. I know before we got married he was engaged to his ex and had an A with a married woman. It lasted a couple months before the BH found out and it ended between them. I guess that is why my BH is so understanding over all of this. Maybe he went through something during our M that I'm not aware of. Either way, he understands and has said it more than once that he knows what it feels like and knows what I'm going through.

 

I want to give our M another chance to see if we can make it work, even if I still have feelings for OM. I agree with a previous post about being in the fog, and giving my M another chance will show me if this bubble will pop or not. Yet, while I have to work hard to make it work, so will my husband. Yes I cheated, but the infidelity he caused financially also hurt me. Thus we both have to work on what we have done to see a change.

 

If your not all in then find an amical way to work out terms for co-parenting including how you will both deal with new partners parenting your children. Just as he will have to deal with the fact that the man that you left him for will be raising his children, he will at some point have someone in his life that will be raising your children. No one wins when there is infidelity.

Edited April 28, 2017 by aliveagain

[livelifegood]

Yes, and if you read all the posts you will note that I take rwsponsibility for what I have done, for being selfish in the choice I've made. Let's say I did not have an A, would husband's acts be seen as not fair towards me? Yes I had an A, and yes I know it was very wrong.

 

We have spoken about him allowing someone else into his life and our kids, should we go that path. Neither of us will keep the kids from the other.

 

I have since broken off contact with the OM, saying I'm willing to try make this work

[aliveagain]

Yes, and if you read all the posts you will note that I take rwsponsibility for what I have done, for being selfish in the choice I've made. Let's say I did not have an A, would husband's acts be seen as not fair towards me? Yes I had an A, and yes I know it was very wrong.

 

We have spoken about him allowing someone else into his life and our kids, should we go that path. Neither of us will keep the kids from the other.

 

I have since broken off contact with the OM, saying I'm willing to try make this work

 

I can't speak regarding your husbands money issues, he should have discussed the investment with you before he made it but that isn't enough of a reason to cheat. Things including money can be replaced, you can't erase what you did with the other man. That's a sh*t sandwich he has to eat if he wants you in his life. Is the other man married, if he is has his wife been told about the infidelity? Do your families know? What are you doing to fix this?