Newbie - which way to go after affair

[harrybrown]

put yourself in your H's shoes for a minute.

 

How would you feel if he had an affair?

 

is it fair that you opened the marriage without telling him?

 

I do hope you wake up and go NC with the OM. You are going to hurt your children more and he is not the wonderful man that you think he is, he is a bum and scum.

 

how will you feel if you run away with him and he cheats on you?

 

are you sure that you are his only affair?

 

Wake up. Please. Good luck to your kids, keep them away from the OM.

 

Hope your H heals someday.

[Whoknew30]

whoknew30...If I said this or felt this way...john would divorce me so fast my head would spin.

 

I am sorry...I think this is dangerous and disrespectful and hurtful to a betrayed spouse.

 

I know your husband cheated too...so you too have been a betrayed spouse...but I truly think your case is an exception and that most couples involved in infidelity wpould never survive if the wayward still professed "feelings" for her AP years after the fact.

 

When you are still "in" the affair...I understand having feelings for the AP...but once you have recommitted to your marriage...carrying those feelings back into the marriage would certainly be a dangerous place to be.

 

I am not denying that you and your husband are in a good place....I am saying that your advice in this matter is dangerous. I do not think it is good to encourage waywards that they can still carry "feelings" aput their Affair partners into a reconciliation. It may have worked for you...but it would not have worked for me....it simply would have been the end of our marriage.

 

I personally think that trying to control a spouse feelings is extremely controlling & condepent...which can weaken a marriage, which I what weakened my marriage to begin with, being told how I felt. I nor my H control each others feelings nor would threaten divorce over feelings just alone. Our actions,that were lead by our feelings, was where the betrayal happened. I know my H will be attracted or like other women in life, I could careless. I only care about his actions.

 

My OM was not a demon...he didn't use me & it was even clearer after DDay. He was hurt. I hurt two men I cared for within 2 days...it was an awful feeling all the way round...but I'm the type that would have never had sex with someone I didn't care for, also I'm not the type to be fooled into it either. My H knew the truth but I also knows the day I let him go, I was done. I wouldn't have continued to lie. I've done nothing nor give the advice to anyone to reconcile half way...they've got to let AP go a 100% but to say there's some kind of time limit on when you stop caring, is absolutely not realistic. & no one has the right to tell someone their feelings are wrong bc feelings are out of someone's control.

[Mrs. John Adams]

Who said anyone was trying to control someone else's feelings?

I knew when I confessed that there was no way we could reconcile if i had feelings for someone else.

 

You certainly like to spin things to validate the fact that you claim to be remorseful yet still care for your other man.

 

Maybe you can get by with that... but I don't think most betrayed spouses would tolerate it.

 

Maybe I am wrong but boy I would not advise other waywards that it's ok to love your other man while you tell your husband you want to reconcile with him.

 

If you don't know what you want... better to leave them both. It should be obvious you want your husband if you are thinking about reconciliation.

If you don't want your husband... if you don't still love your husband.. it is doubtful reconciliation will be a success.

[Mr. Lucky]

I want to be independant, but due to finances it is really difficult

 

I can't because of the kids. That would mean they will have to change schools and I don't want to do that.

 

Staying with your husband for these reasons is about the only thing more selfish and hurtful than cheating on him. He wants to be loved - like all of us - with the same passion you feel only for your OM.

 

You've hurt him already. Don't penalize him for the rest of his life by making him your Plan B...

 

Mr. Lucky

Edited April 26, 2017 by Mr. Lucky

[kgcolonel]

We all deserve love... it's how we handle the gift and use the gift once it is given to us.

 

You need to be alone and not with either man but especially not with your husband. He deserves a wife who loves and respects him. If you don't love him then allow him to find someone else who will.

 

Mrs. JA....I truly respect you so please know that but I tend to disagree with the direction here.

 

Yes, we all deserve a "chance" at love. LLL chose her husband for that chance and also chose to bring little ones into this world. The only love they will know for years is that of a family. They don't need a random guy coming in and out of their lives, being shifted from one house to another etc. LLL has exercised her chance at love and is putting a SECOND swing at the ball ahead of the interest / love of her children. Again, as LLL stated, she has been making very selfish decisions. She should put everything she has into R with her BH before she pulls the plug on the M and on the family.

 

If after that effort has been exhausted, then she should spend a very long time alone, focused on her children and being a mother, trying to make up to her kiddos what she blew up during a selfish act.

 

Again, Mrs. no disrespect but i see the kids as the first priority and the BH the second priority in the equation....just my opinion.

[Mrs. John Adams]

Mrs. JA....I truly respect you so please know that but I tend to disagree with the direction here.

 

Yes, we all deserve a "chance" at love. LLL chose her husband for that chance and also chose to bring little ones into this world. The only love they will know for years is that of a family. They don't need a random guy coming in and out of their lives, being shifted from one house to another etc. LLL has exercised her chance at love and is putting a SECOND swing at the ball ahead of the interest / love of her children. Again, as LLL stated, she has been making very selfish decisions. She should put everything she has into R with her BH before she pulls the plug on the M and on the family.

 

If after that effort has been exhausted, then she should spend a very long time alone, focused on her children and being a mother, trying to make up to her kiddos what she blew up during a selfish act.

 

Again, Mrs. no disrespect but i see the kids as the first priority and the BH the second priority in the equation....just my opinion.

 

If she does not love her husband...then there should be no reconciliation....children or not. If you cannot give your reconciliation 100% don't try....and if you don't love each other....don't try. It is too difficult and too much work to try reconciliation if one of the partners no longer loves the other one. She has stated...she no longer loves her husband...What kind of environment will the children live in if their parents dont love each other? That cannot be healthy.

 

I think you must have misunderstood me. I am not saying she should go with the om....I am saying she needs to be alone and not with either man. She needs to concentrate on being the best person...the best mother she can be for her children. You dont need a man to be a good mom. You dont need a wife to be a good dad.

 

By the way...I certainly can be wrong....and others can have differing opinions without it offending me. But I do thank you for your thoughtfulness and respect.

[Whoknew30]

Who said anyone was trying to control someone else's feelings?

I knew when I confessed that there was no way we could reconcile if i had feelings for someone else.

 

You certainly like to spin things to validate the fact that you claim to be remorseful yet still care for your other man.

 

Maybe you can get by with that... but I don't think most betrayed spouses would tolerate it.

 

Maybe I am wrong but boy I would not advise other waywards that it's ok to love your other man while you tell your husband you want to reconcile with him.

 

If you don't know what you want... better to leave them both. It should be obvious you want your husband if you are thinking about reconciliation.

If you don't want your husband... if you don't still love your husband.. it is doubtful reconciliation will be a success.

 

First I didn't get personal but only stated that the logic of anyone that thinks "a feeling is wrong" has control issues & I stick to it. Betrayal happens by action not by feeling. Someone can feel something all day long, whatever they want & as long as it is not acted upon, who cares? A feeling is someone's personal business, I've never read anywhere that someone isn't entitled to their own feelings.

 

In fact I think any WS riskkng their family for just sex is way worse...I think some BS would rather have that due to their own insecurities of being worried that the AP is better than them in some way...I never thought that way. I believe certain people connect for multiple reasons & no one is better or worse than anyone.

 

Also there's more than one type of love...you never fall in love the same way twice...my H has loved more than just me & I'm fine with that...I only care about our actions on the commitment we made to each other. I could care a less about how he feels about anyone as long as he doesn't act on it...he feels the same. If either one of us crossed the line, this time it would be over & that's that.

 

 

OP, what I'm saying is...if you love your AP it's not an easy situation you're in. I also saw the love of my H after I confessed my A. I thought he'd run out the door & he didn't, it did make me love him more. If you want to try with your H, you can do so feeling unsure but you do have to go no contact with OM to give it a fair chance...that's the only way you'll know where your truly at with your H. If you sit in some MC sessions & think "I just don't love him & can't do this" well at least you have given it a shot, you didn't keep living your life wrong & you can ask for a divorce the right way, while giving yourself enough time for the affair bubble to be popped to know if you even really love your AP...good luck bc I know it's hard

[Mrs. John Adams]

First I didn't get personal but only stated that the logic of anyone that thinks "a feeling is wrong" has control issues & I stick to it. Betrayal happens by action not by feeling. Someone can feel something all day long, whatever they want & as long as it is not acted upon, who cares? A feeling is someone's personal business, I've never read anywhere that someone isn't entitled to their own feelings.

 

In fact I think any WS riskkng their family for just sex is way worse...I think some BS would rather have that due to their own insecurities of being worried that the AP is better than them in some way...I never thought that way. I believe certain people connect for multiple reasons & no one is better or worse than anyone.

 

Also there's more than one type of love...you never fall in love the same way twice...my H has loved more than just me & I'm fine with that...I only care about our actions on the commitment we made to each other. I could care a less about how he feels about anyone as long as he doesn't act on it...he feels the same. If either one of us crossed the line, this time it would be over & that's that.

 

 

OP, what I'm saying is...if you love your AP it's not an easy situation you're in. I also saw the love of my H after I confessed my A. I thought he'd run out the door & he didn't, it did make me love him more. If you want to try with your H, you can do so feeling unsure but you do have to go no contact with OM to give it a fair chance...that's the only way you'll know where your truly at with your H. If you sit in some MC sessions & think "I just don't love him & can't do this" well at least you have given it a shot, you didn't keep living your life wrong & you can ask for a divorce the right way, while giving yourself enough time for the affair bubble to be popped to know if you even really love your AP...good luck bc I know it's hard

 

Tell that to people who have emotional affairs.

 

You have handled your affairs the best way you know how...as we all have.

 

This woman is confused...she doesn't love her husband...but doesn't want to abandon him. I think shes also smart enough to know that if her heart is not in it....it will most likely fail.

 

Terrible postion to be in....because no matter what she does...there is a price to pay....

[somanymistakes]

Trying to punish people for having feelings leads to self-loathing, self-medication, and a bunch of horrible twisted up nonsense.

 

There is no healthy way to force yourself to feel or not feel something.

 

But you CAN choose what you DO about it.

 

The definition of an emotional affair involves doing things about it. Not just having feelings, but adding inappropriate intimacy and deception to those feelings. If you tell your spouse, "Wow, that actor is hot!" you are not having an emotional affair with the actor. If you're sneaking off to meet up with that hot actor behind your spouse's back and confiding your deepest secrets, those are actions.

[Mrs. John Adams]

Trying to punish people for having feelings leads to self-loathing, self-medication, and a bunch of horrible twisted up nonsense.

 

There is no healthy way to force yourself to feel or not feel something.

 

But you CAN choose what you DO about it.

 

The definition of an emotional affair involves doing things about it. Not just having feelings, but adding inappropriate intimacy and deception to those feelings. If you tell your spouse, "Wow, that actor is hot!" you are not having an emotional affair with the actor. If you're sneaking off to meet up with that hot actor behind your spouse's back and confiding your deepest secrets, those are actions.

 

 

There are people who have emotional affairs that never meet the AP in person....these forums are full of those people....but you are right ...even talking to someone on the computer behind your spouses back... is taking some kind of action.....but that doesn't apply to this op.

[understand50]

I think it comes down to the "type" of affair that livelifegood had. In her case is was a deep love affair, and despite all that her husband wants her back. She is not so sure, and feels she should not be with ether man, and would like to live alone. She still has intense feeling for the OM, and does not love her husband. The OM has told her of his love, and she is left between the two. The love for the OM, her duty to her husband, kids and family.

 

This is compared to the ONS, or "fling" where the main driving force for the WS is curiosity and just plain lust, with a AP who use this situation to get some easy sex. Of course, after the first rush, the WS loses interest, and does not feel love. In fact, I would suggest that in many cases, while the WS may actually cherish the experience, any good feeling towards the AP gets replaced with dislike, and later intense hate depending on the how things went.

 

There can be many situation in between the two situation above. So what should she do? I do not want to say a real affirmed statement such as "Do this and it will get better", because everyone is different, and she needs to find for herself her own path.

 

I will point out what are some hard truths:

If she separates from her husband at this time, any chance of reconciliation will end. Abandoning her husband and family will be the ultimate betrayal. Her children will not understand and grow to hate her.

 

If she stays with her family, she will in any case lose any chance with her AP. She may also never have a good marriage again, but just be there for the kids.

 

I wonder if livelifegood, needing to leave is just her way of avoiding the pain she has cause to everyone she loves. Weighing these three things, she will need to do what is right for her, but also keep in mind her vows and children. Sometime, we must sacrifice for our family, and make good the promises made by us in our life, even when we do not feel it.

 

I wish her luck....

[Superchicken]

Betrayal happens by action not by feeling. Someone can feel something all day long, whatever they want & as long as it is not acted upon, who cares? A feeling is someone's personal business, I've never read anywhere that someone isn't entitled to their own feelings.

 

 

 

No no no, Mrs Adams is correct.

EA is also a bad thing.

Yes, Its the lowest of the cheating tree, but it can be just as devastating.

Of course, its all relative. Everyone accepts cheating and the level of it differently.

I'm with you in terms of an EA, as this is a fixable problem with me.

I draw the line once it turns physical (After Kissing, as this is second lowest).

There's no return after its physical.

I don't say your wrong, as I'm sure there's those that believe as you do.

But, you also need to listen to those that its actually happened to.

I've been cheated on when I was much younger, and I can recall, and if I concentrate hard enough, I can still feel the betrayal.

For others, water of the ducks back.

 

 

Superchicken Ted

[oldlion]

I read your posts and noticed something that told me your true feelings. You said you loved your AP but no where did you say you loved your husband. I would never advised anyone to stay with the marriage if they did not love their spouse. A marriage where one spouse does not love the other is the gateway to misery. Ask yourself why you would stay. If the answer is for the children, or because of financial reasons, or because you don't want to break up the family, or because you don't want to hurt someone, then the reasons are not enough to stay. If you stay it must be because you want to. It's because you love your spouse. It's because you are 100% committed to your marriage. Otherwise, it is best for all, to divorce. You are in lala land right now. Your AP holds the number one spot in your life. You go with him, and take my word, in a few years or less you are going to face many of the marriage problems you face now and maybe even worse. All marriages have their problems. All you have seen of your AP is the good times together. A few years with him and that lala land will turn into the life of reality. He cheated with you so what is to say that in a few years he won't tire of you and cheat on you or you may cheat on him. You both are capable. If you stay with your husband then expect lots of fireworks. Right now your husband is hurt, confused, and don't truly understand what has happened to his life. This will soon pass and he will enter the anger stage. He says he loves you and will fight for you but he hasn't said this while in the anger stage. Once it truly hits him that you cheated on him, that love could easily turn to disgust. So many who have been cheated on reach a point where they just say, "no more" and call it quits especially if they suspect, or know for sure, that their wife still has love for the AP. Either way you have created a situation that will cause hurt and chaos for a long time to come. I wish you well.

[Whoknew30]

Tell that to people who have emotional affairs.

 

You have handled your affairs the best way you know how...as we all have.

 

This woman is confused...she doesn't love her husband...but doesn't want to abandon him. I think shes also smart enough to know that if her heart is not in it....it will most likely fail.

 

Terrible postion to be in....because no matter what she does...there is a price to pay....

 

People get upset about emotional affairs bc there are still actions behind it...phone calls, letters, lunches ext... once again betrayal comes from action & action only, not feelings.

[Mrs. John Adams]

People get upset about emotional affairs bc there are still actions behind it...phone calls, letters, lunches ext... once again betrayal comes from action & action only, not feelings.

 

Ok ... I disagree

 

Cause/ effect

 

Effect/ cause

 

Which comes first? Emotion or action

 

Is action the result of the emotion or is the emotion the result of the action?

 

Is betrayal betrayal no matter which came first?

 

Which kind of betrayal is easier for a betrayed spouse to forgive?

 

It depends on the betrayed spouse ... some cannot forgive any kind of betrayal...and some can forgive the most horrendous betrayal.

 

But it is up to the individual as to what they can forgive.

 

So telling a wayward that it is ok to love an affair partner even while trying to reconcile may in fact not be true. It would depend on how much her spouse is willing to endure.

 

Your husband is willing to reconcile with a wife who still claims to have feelings for her ap.

 

My husband would divorce me under those same circumstances.

[somanymistakes]

But it is up to the individual as to what they can forgive.

 

So telling a wayward that it is ok to love an affair partner even while trying to reconcile may in fact not be true. It would depend on how much her spouse is willing to endure.

 

Of course it is up to the individual what they can forgive, the betrayed spouse is not forced to forgive the wayward one no matter what. Even if the WS never loved the AP and breaks off all contact instantly and never wavers, the BS is not required to forgive.

 

But it's not healthy to try and prevent people from having feelings. It wouldn't be healthy to say that the BS is not allowed to feel pain because the WS apologised, for example. If they feel pain, they feel pain.

[wmacbride]

I personally think that trying to control a spouse feelings is extremely controlling & condepent...which can weaken a marriage, which I what weakened my marriage to begin with, being told how I felt. I nor my H control each others feelings nor would threaten divorce over feelings just alone. Our actions,that were lead by our feelings, was where the betrayal happened. I know my H will be attracted or like other women in life, I could careless. I only care about his actions.

 

My OM was not a demon...he didn't use me & it was even clearer after DDay. He was hurt. I hurt two men I cared for within 2 days...it was an awful feeling all the way round...but I'm the type that would have never had sex with someone I didn't care for, also I'm not the type to be fooled into it either. My H knew the truth but I also knows the day I let him go, I was done. I wouldn't have continued to lie. I've done nothing nor give the advice to anyone to reconcile half way...they've got to let AP go a 100% but to say there's some kind of time limit on when you stop caring, is absolutely not realistic. & no one has the right to tell someone their feelings are wrong bc feelings are out of someone's control.

 

OP,

the responses from Whoknew30 and Mrs. John Adams provide an excellent example if how each couple hit by infidelity has to find the way that works for them. They are both in marriages, as am I, that are years past the cheating, and from what I understand, we are all happy.

 

There are also people on here for whom divorce was the best option. That's not an easy road, but int he end, it was the right choice for their situation.

 

We all found our way, and you'll find yours too. Whether that means reconciliation or divorce, you and your H have to find a way to figure it out together. By accepting responsibility the way you have, you've taken a very important first step. I would suggest to you again that you take some time on your own to figure all this out. Cut out all the external noise and listen to your inner voice. What is it telling you is the best option for you, your children and your husbands well? ( I don't include the om in this, as it doesn't sound as if you have made any obligations or promises to him. He went in eyes wide open, your family did not)

[wmacbride]

No no no, Mrs Adams is correct.

EA is also a bad thing.

Yes, Its the lowest of the cheating tree, but it can be just as devastating.

Of course, its all relative. Everyone accepts cheating and the level of it differently.

I'm with you in terms of an EA, as this is a fixable problem with me.

I draw the line once it turns physical (After Kissing, as this is second lowest).

There's no return after its physical.

I don't say your wrong, as I'm sure there's those that believe as you do.

But, you also need to listen to those that its actually happened to.

I've been cheated on when I was much younger, and I can recall, and if I concentrate hard enough, I can still feel the betrayal.

For others, water of the ducks back.

 

 

Superchicken Ted

 

This makes a lot of sense. each couple has their own definition of"cheating" For some, even having thoughts about another man or woman is cheating, while at the other extreme, it's not cheating unless there was an exchange of bodily fluids.

From what I can tell, for most, the definitions fall somewhere between the two.

 

Some find an emotional affair even more painful than a purely physical one because an emotional connection was developed.

[Mrs. John Adams]

Of course it is up to the individual what they can forgive, the betrayed spouse is not forced to forgive the wayward one no matter what. Even if the WS never loved the AP and breaks off all contact instantly and never wavers, the BS is not required to forgive.

 

But it's not healthy to try and prevent people from having feelings. It wouldn't be healthy to say that the BS is not allowed to feel pain because the WS apologised, for example. If they feel pain, they feel pain.

 

You seem to be misundertstanding what i am trying to say here....

I am not saying that the OP cannot have feelings for her AP....

 

I am saying IF she has feelings for her AP she shpuld NOT try to reconcile with her husband who she says she no longer loves.

 

No one here is trying to tell anyone else how to FEEL. We are cautioning that if you FEEL affection for your AP and not your husband....Reconciliation may be futile.

 

This thread is about a woman who has feelings for an AP but NOT her husband...and she doesnt want to destroy her husband so she is torn about leaving or staying.

 

She has been advised by many folks but only one has told her that it is ok to have FEELINGS for the AP and still reconcile with her husband who she does NOT love.

 

I am disagreeing with this perspective. I am NOT trying to tell the OP how to FEEL.

[understand50]

 

No one here is trying to tell anyone else how to FEEL. We are cautioning that if you FEEL affection for your AP and not your husband....Reconciliation may be futile.

.

 

Abigail,

 

You are right in a practicable sense, but in the real world a couple may try and reconcile for many reasons after a EA/PA. They have kids. They feel that although the feeling are not there right now, they would like to rekindle them. I think many longer term affairs, the WS does have feeling or love for the AP. Shutting these off may not be easy to do in the aftermath of D-day. livelifegood may just feel dead for all the pain and hurt she caused.

 

Your main statement, "if you FEEL affection for your AP and not your husband....Reconciliation may be futile." is spot on. Keeping a torch for the AP will make thing much harder, but it will be something to overcome as well. It will depend on how much each want to reconcile, and what the BS can forgive or accept.

 

Reconciliation is a hard thing to do for both. livelifegood, is going to have to decide on what she wants to do. It is not the norm, as most WS want a 2nd chance, and it is up to the BS to give or not. Here we have the opposite. Our normal script does not apply.

 

My two cents......

[Whoknew30]

You seem to be misundertstanding what i am trying to say here....

I am not saying that the OP cannot have feelings for her AP....

 

I am saying IF she has feelings for her AP she shpuld NOT try to reconcile with her husband who she says she no longer loves.

 

No one here is trying to tell anyone else how to FEEL. We are cautioning that if you FEEL affection for your AP and not your husband....Reconciliation may be futile.

 

This thread is about a woman who has feelings for an AP but NOT her husband...and she doesnt want to destroy her husband so she is torn about leaving or staying.

 

She has been advised by many folks but only one has told her that it is ok to have FEELINGS for the AP and still reconcile with her husband who she does NOT love.

 

I am disagreeing with this perspective. I am NOT trying to tell the OP how to FEEL.

 

As most that have been in an A know...there's a thing called A bubble.

 

Anyone on a long term A with feelings is going to be all confused. Especially with most women, when being intimate with a man multiple times, women tend to get feelings even if it didn't start that way.

 

I felt absolutely nothing for my H during my A & at times even felt I hated him. I realized after the bubble popped that I didn't hate my H, that I was extremely hurt by him but on the other hand, I did still deep down care for my OM after the bubbled popped but still let him go.

 

So the one person that have that's giving the advice has been in a similar situation...it's amazing to me that no one else has spoke about getting out of A bubble for her to clear her head to see if it's really love.

 

If couples didn't try reconciling based on feelings alone, then I would assume that A would turn into the number one cause of divorce, which it's not. There's no way every single WS has has walked into MC, not confused about their feelings for AP...especially in a long term A. Most people extremely torn & confused when their A is "out".

[wmacbride]

As most that have been in an A know...there's a thing called A bubble.

 

Anyone on a long term A with feelings is going to be all confused. Especially with most women, when being intimate with a man multiple times, women tend to get feelings even if it didn't start that way.

 

I felt absolutely nothing for my H during my A & at times even felt I hated him. I realized after the bubble popped that I didn't hate my H, that I was extremely hurt by him but on the other hand, I did still deep down care for my OM after the bubbled popped but still let him go.

 

So the one person that have that's giving the advice has been in a similar situation...it's amazing to me that no one else has spoke about getting out of A bubble for her to clear her head to see if it's really love.

 

If couples didn't try reconciling based on feelings alone, then I would assume that A would turn into the number one cause of divorce, which it's not. There's no way every single WS has has walked into MC, not confused about their feelings for AP...especially in a long term A. Most people extremely torn & confused when their A is "out".

 

I know you and i have disagreed n other areas, but I am 100 percent behind you on this.

 

When I first found out about the A from my spouse, he admitted he had feelings for the ow, but he didn't define them in any hard way. That was so incredibly painful ( I actually got physically ill), but it was the honesty I had been asking for. It was horrible, bare bones truth. I needed it to make my decision about what I wanted to do next.

 

I don't mean he was rubbing it in my face, but just that he told me the truth.

 

We had our time part, he worked through that, and when he came back, those feelings were gone.

 

Mind you, if he came to me today and said he still has feelings for her, I don't think I could stay with him. I've never told him that, and he has never once mentioned her in any sort of "affectionate" way. If I have asked him about her, he says he no longer feels any way about her (except annoyed that she won't leave me alone) and as I am not a mind reader, I can only hope I'm right that he has put those feelings behind him.

 

During one of the very early counseling sessions we had, he was asked whether or not he had developed feelings for her and if they were still there. he answered that he had developed feelings for her, but after he saw what she was really like, they were gone. As twisted as it might sound, I was actually glad he answered the way he did, as it would have been even more heartbreaking to think he had caused all of this heartache for me, our kids and himself as well, over a silly fling or one night stand.

[Whoknew30]

Ok ... I disagree

 

Cause/ effect

 

Effect/ cause

 

Which comes first? Emotion or action

 

Is action the result of the emotion or is the emotion the result of the action?

 

Is betrayal betrayal no matter which came first?

 

Which kind of betrayal is easier for a betrayed spouse to forgive?

 

It depends on the betrayed spouse ... some cannot forgive any kind of betrayal...and some can forgive the most horrendous betrayal.

 

But it is up to the individual as to what they can forgive.

 

So telling a wayward that it is ok to love an affair partner even while trying to reconcile may in fact not be true. It would depend on how much her spouse is willing to endure.

 

Your husband is willing to reconcile with a wife who still claims to have feelings for her ap.

 

My husband would divorce me under those same circumstances.

 

I can want to slap someone...but I'll only get in trouble if I perform the action of slapping someone, the feeling is my own & not damaging unless preform the action of it.

 

A feeling is not betrayel...that's just extremely insecure, codependent & controlling logic. My H & I acted on our issues & realized that we were wrong.

 

I have no control over my own feelings let alone someone else's...& unless they want to speak to me about it, including my H...it only becomes my business unless he takes action towards & vice versa.

 

It puts a relationship in an extremely dangerous & controlling place, even in reconciliation when partners can't be open with each other if someone isn't allowed to get to the bottom of their feelings without hearing "I want a divorce over the way you feel".

 

Also, my H would have divorced me had I not cared...he could have never trusted me again if I had been talked into or just had sex with any man that gave me a compliment. I would only have sex with a man I only cared about & he knew/knows it...me saying "I don't care" would have been a lie & it would be for most WS that start reconciliation.

[BluesPower]

LiveLife...

 

You have gotten some good advice here.

 

But here is the real deal: The odds of anything working out with your AP are next to nil. It is possible but not very probable.

 

Also, your feeling will continue for AP if you stay in contact in any way, the affair continues. It takes a while to get over, but you will get over it.

 

But, IF YOU DO NOT LOVE YOUR HUSBAND, please let him go. Their is really nothing worse that stringing someone along and knowing that you do not love them. I believe that it is an evil act to do that to someone.

 

You have a lot of thinking to do, and you really need to focus on reality when you are thinking about it.

 

Good luck...

[Mrs. John Adams]

livelife...

 

You have gotten some good advice here.

 

But here is the real deal: The odds of anything working out with your ap are next to nil. It is possible but not very probable.

 

Also, your feeling will continue for ap if you stay in contact in any way, the affair continues. It takes a while to get over, but you will get over it.

 

But, if you do not love your husband, please let him go. Their is really nothing worse that stringing someone along and knowing that you do not love them. I believe that it is an evil act to do that to someone.

 

You have a lot of thinking to do, and you really need to focus on reality when you are thinking about it.

 

Good luck...

 

exactly....