Should I stay or should I go?

[mmathers]

Smokes weed due to you stressing him out? Goes catatonic when his grandmother succumbs to what I presume was as long illness? Is he smoking more in reaction to that stress, too? Won't stay in school or work? Feels stressed by lack of money?

 

What would you advise your sister or BFF is she were in your shoes?

 

Staying with him is going you make you the mother of a depressed adolescent.

You have no kids? Not much in the way of joint asserts or debt? You have no idea how much easier splitting up is under those circumstances,'. Take advantage of is opportunity. Marriage isn't supposed to b scripted by the lyrics is some millennial age band. Life can be hard enough when both spouses are pulling their weight.

 

the grandma was 105. she lived a good life. she was made comfort care and she technically isnt dead yet but she will be soon. all of their family members are there but he wont include me in any of that. he seems to hate all of his extended family and does not want me to meet them, saying they are all b itchy and a sssholes.

 

one of my friends was suggesting getting pregnant to get my parents to accept him more and also it will make him speed up school when im in the kind 'slavemaster'.this friend does not know about the weed and drinking yet. however , she has said he might be getting into a routine or getting used to me since i have been away for a while. i can understand that as well

 

since im taking a full time job in the same city, two of my good friends said not to stress over buying a house just yet because it is a big purchase , they are too many variables and things are in flux. ive been reflecting on that and i can agree with that sentiment. i also that has been another source of stress btn me and husband.

[BaileyB]

I'm sorry, but your husband has some serious issues beyond the drinking and weed. the absolute last thing I would want to do right now is get physical with this guy...

 

He's obviously concerned about your parents reaction to the news that you are married. His behavior is starting to border on paranoia. Is that insecurity, or is it possibly more than that?

 

Whatever you do, do not buy a house or get pregnant with him. Getting pregnant will not help your parents to accept him any more - in fact, they will be even more unhappy because then you will forever be tied to this unhealthy man, whether you stay married or not. And, if/when you divorce, things are infinantely more complicated when you own property or have children.

 

You are a smart woman... trust your instinct. What is your head telling you to do?

[Bufo]

No house. You don't need joint debt.

 

No pregnancy. You don't need a joint obligation to have to interact with each other for the next 18 years.

 

Ask the posters here, especially the women, if pregnancy and having a new baby is a good way to get a burn out husband to get motivated.

 

Whoever that gf was who suggested pregnancy, ignore any advice from her from this day forward. And think about whether your parents may be right, even if for the wrong (educational level) purpose.

[mmathers]

No house. You don't need joint debt.

 

No pregnancy. You don't need a joint obligation to have to interact with each other for the next 18 years.

 

Ask the posters here, especially the women, if pregnancy and having a new baby is a good way to get a burn out husband to get motivated.

 

 

 

 

Whoever that gf was who suggested pregnancy, ignore any advice from her from this day forward. And think about whether your parents may be right, even if for the wrong (educational level) purpose.

 

 

Sure. I'll open it up to the women.

He says he can't deal with the stress of a kid right now. Before he was saying he wanted five kids.

My friend's rational was with a kid it will cause him to get himself together. His dad suggested that too.

 

I had a long chat with my mom and she is still in shock. She doesn't want to tell my dad yet. She knows he will just explode.

 

As for my thoughts on pregnancy, I would love to have a baby with him. I have to wait and see if I am. My parents are concerned about him standing on his own two feet and my mom is worried he will drop out of school since we got married without me waiting for him to finish

 

I told my mom I need her to help with my stress so I couldn't keep this inside me anymore.I think she understands that part. But she is upset that I lied to her and I told her my husband asked me not to tell and then she said so you are going to listen to him over us? I want to see how this will go for now. I hope she will atleast talk to or meet with my inlaws but maybe that's wishful thinking....

[mmathers]

No house. You don't need joint debt.

 

No pregnancy. You don't need a joint obligation to have to interact with each other for the next 18 years.

 

Ask the posters here, especially the women, if pregnancy and having a new baby is a good way to get a burn out husband to get motivated.

 

 

 

Whoever that gf was who suggested pregnancy, ignore any advice from her from this day forward. And think about whether your parents may be right, even if for the wrong (educational level) purpose.

 

 

I have given up on the house for now. I'm starting a new job .I want to make sure it goes ok and then can buy when ready.also if it's causing more friction with my husband and all the financial burden is on me ,essentially I have to make sure I don't have any issues with my job in order to fund the house, which in this area isn't cheap. So logically it makes sense.

 

As for pregnancy, I have to wait and sense. I can't do anything else at this point. I don't use birth cntrl because of weight gain and hormonal changes and he isn't comfortable with condoms. If I am, I told him I'll deal with it and he doesn't like that idea at all even though he says right now he can't handle a kid

[BaileyB]

As for pregnancy, I have to wait and sense. I can't do anything else at this point. I don't use birth cntrl because of weight gain and hormonal changes and he isn't comfortable with condoms. If I am, I told him I'll deal with it and he doesn't like that idea at all even though he says right now he can't handle a kid

 

With a little age and maturity, I really hope that you don't regret this someday.

 

When he tells you that's he is not ready for a kid, believe him!

 

And know, your unwillingness to look at the situation realistically and accept it for what it is will cause you a lifetime of pain. A baby deserves to be brought into the world by two loving parents who want the child and are prepared to do what is required to support the child - long term. That's not what you have. To make any other decision, is irresponsible. To have unprotected sex with this man while you debate whether you will or will not stay married to him, is irresponsible. Do you really want a baby, that bad? Are you really willing to ignore all these red flags, because you don't want to date anymore and you want to have a baby?

 

You may be a professional woman in her thirties, but the way in which you discuss the problems in your marriage makes you sound like you have the problem solving skills of a teenager. Which is why, I initially thought you were too young to get married.

 

You don't want to hear it but your parents are so right to be concerned... Not because he is any "less" because of his educational level, but because you are stupid in love with an unhealthy man who will bring you unhappiness and destroy your life... if you let him.

Edited April 20, 2017 by BaileyB

[mmathers]

With a little age and maturity, I really hope that you don't regret this someday.

 

When he tells you that's he is not ready for a kid, believe him!

 

And know, your unwillingness to look at the situation realistically and accept it for what it is will cause you a lifetime of pain. A baby deserves to be brought into the world by two loving parents who want the child and are prepared to do what is required to support the child - long term. That's not what you have. To make any other decision, is irresponsible. To have unprotected sex with this man while you debate whether you will or will not stay married to him, is irresponsible. Do you really want a baby, that bad? Are you really willing to ignore all these red flags, because you don't want to date anymore and you want to have a baby?

 

You may be a professional woman in her thirties, but the way in which you discuss the problems in your marriage makes you sound like you have the problem solving skills of a teenager. Which is why, I initially thought you were too young to get married.

 

You don't want to hear it but your parents are so right to be concerned... Not because he is any "less" because of his educational level, but because you are stupid in love with an unhealthy man who will bring you unhappiness and destroy your life... if you let him.

 

before HE was the one who wanted to get me pregnant, i put the brakes on it. now, he says that he doesn't want us to have a baby now but his actions arent in line with that. he convinced me that having one is good.

 

my mom asked me why i like him. she nor my dad 'get' the attraction. my best friend said the same. she is more concerned that he has no incentive to finish school because we got married before he finished. and now that he is part time, meaning its going to take him longer to finish, she thinks he will drop out.

 

i should mention that this is my first relationship so that maybe why im coming across as a 'teenager'. this is one aspect of my life/?personality? that hasnt been developed as others, likely due to my focus on school/career. as far as destroying my life, i hope and have faith that he will stand by me if he gets me pregnant but , as i said, i can only wait and see at this point. the deed's been done

 

i know im acting 'stupid'. i guess the reason i turned to this forum was to get another's opinion. i want to get have some more serious discussions with my husband to see where we go from here. i belive, perhaps foolishly, we can work through this. but maybe time will make a fool of me

[olivetree]

mmathers,

 

You are the only person that can decide what is right for you.

However, people on the outside can often see what we cannot see when we are too close to the situation.

 

As it stands, no one in your life - not friends, family and even internet strangers - are a fan of your husband.

That speaks volumes.

[BaileyB]

mmathers,

 

I can appreciate what you say, because I was very focused on school/career and I was also a late bloomer in terms of relationships. Your parents, your friends, even random strangers on the Internet are all offering you the wisdom of age and experience because everyone wants the best for you. The decisions that you make now will have significant consequences for the rest of your life. So, you really want to think about things and make a wise decision.

 

I heard the chainsmokers song on the radio today. "If we go down, then we go down together" might seem like a romantic concept now... but, I think you know that it's not a wise or healthy way to live your life. What everyone is saying is, you deserve so much more then that!

 

Good luck. Keep posting and let us know how things go.

Edited April 20, 2017 by BaileyB

[mmathers]

mmathers,

 

You are the only person that can decide what is right for you.

However, people on the outside can often see what we cannot see when we are too close to the situation.

 

As it stands, no one in your life - not friends, family and even internet strangers - are a fan of your husband.

That speaks volumes.

 

again, i dont disagree with you, this is, in fact, the reason i posted to this site in the first place. i just wanted the reinforcement that im not bat**** crazy and that things going on here are really not driven by me

[mmathers]

mmathers,

 

I can appreciate what you say, because I was very focused on school/career and I was also a late bloomer in terms of relationships. Your parents, your friends, even random strangers on the Internet are all offering you the wisdom of age and experience because everyone wants the best for you. The decisions that you make now will have significant consequences for the rest of your life. So, you really want to think about things and make a wise decision.

 

I heard the chainsmokers song on the radio today. "If we go down, then we go down together" might seem like a romantic concept now... but, I think you know that it's not a wise or healthy way to live your life. What everyone is saying is, you deserve so much more then that!

 

Good luck. Keep posting and let us know how things go.

 

well i will keep updating you , i am sure you would like to know what happens, as would i

 

we had a semi-big talk today. he mentioned how he 'wanted me to fix the issue with my family'. i told him i spoke to his mother 2x since the grandma deathbed thing, both flowers for his parents and wrote a personal note wishing them the best sympathies which he refused to take to their house, called both of his sisters 2-3x each. imo, i think ive reached out plenty and the other side is too griefstricken to respond, i asked him if he wanted me to come with him to his parents house and he said 'no' as he thought it would be more 'stressful' for them. i said that what he was doing was cutting me off from an important life event and that is not really how one should treat his spouse. i said if we go there, we will go together but im not going to drive there and ambush everyone like blazing saddles, its not in my interest to do that.

 

 

we also discussed my parents. he jokingly asked that now my parents now we are having unprotected sex. i told him that i didnt find this funny at all. and i didnt like having to keep my parents in the dark about our marriage and how it was really burdensome for me to do this. i also said that i love my parents and i cannot cut them for him because they are my parents. i also told him i didnt like having to hide the relationship from them. he asked more questions about what my mom and i talked about and he then took back the joke.

 

i then brought up the baby issue since he wants to be so physical(which i inherently dont have an issue since we are married and its something we both enjoy) but he seems to vacillate between progeny to not , thats when i said having a baby is a serious thing and we shouldnt playing around with that. he did acknowledge this.

 

i asked him if he truly wanted our marriage to work and he said he did. i then said i didnt marry him to just waste anyone's time and that if both of us want a successful marriage then we both would have to work on it. he seems to be under the idea that i am too independent and that i don't want a 'codependent relationship'. this is where i had to think back and , to a degree, i can agree with his perspective, i am much more ambitious and goal oriented than he is and so my nature is to fix a problem immediately with whatever tools are in my hands. i think hearing him say this gives me a better understanding of why he's been 'lackadaisacal'. to his credit, he did speak to real estate broker today about looking at houses in the next 2 weeks, so this is him working at his own snail pace.

 

 

so its a little bit of chatter, but hard to say if it actually matters...

[mmathers]

mmathers,

 

I can appreciate what you say, because I was very focused on school/career and I was also a late bloomer in terms of relationships. Your parents, your friends, even random strangers on the Internet are all offering you the wisdom of age and experience because everyone wants the best for you. The decisions that you make now will have significant consequences for the rest of your life. So, you really want to think about things and make a wise decision.

 

I heard the chainsmokers song on the radio today. "If we go down, then we go down together" might seem like a romantic concept now... but, I think you know that it's not a wise or healthy way to live your life. What everyone is saying is, you deserve so much more then that!

 

 

 

Good luck. Keep posting and let us know how things go.

 

about the chainsmokers song: watch the video, the symbolism is pretty interesting to me anyways. i am not saying im going to go down in flames with my husband if he is completely apathetic, however i realized even before marrying him he was going to require 'work'. some of my friends say i liked him because he was 'challenge' so that isnt lost on me. he even described himself as a 'fixer upper' when we were dating which i thought was amusing at the time and every now and then i bring that up so he doesnt get too mad when im on his case. hell his own parents and sisters are pretty shocked he has come this far. so for him, maybe this is a radical change. but to me and other likeminded ppl, its not much. i also asked my husband before what attracted to someone like, aside the physical attraction, since our mindsets/lifestyles/careers are so different. he said that he always liked 'smart' women who were opinionated. i guess my point is we are like oil and vinegar but maybe we will make good salad dressing or we'll separate into different layers;)

[Bufo]

He didn't want your parents to know that you were married? He didn't want you to attend a family funeral? Has he introduced you to any of his friends ?

Has he introduced you to his dealer?

 

Have you asked him why he wants to keep you and as a spouse hidden from the world? What's next? Keeping you locked up in a tower? Read My Cousin Rebecca or watch the movie to see how that turns out. Do his parents know you are married?

 

You love him. You go along with these odd (to say the least) behavioral quirks of his. Do you see that he is isolating you?

 

Ask yourself what is in this relationship for you. At some point it's going to feel claustrophobic to you. What will you do then?

[mmathers]

He didn't want your parents to know that you were married? He didn't want you to attend a family funeral? Has he introduced you to any of his friends ?

Has he introduced you to his dealer?

 

Have you asked him why he wants to keep you and as a spouse hidden from the world? What's next? Keeping you locked up in a tower? Read My Cousin Rebecca or watch the movie to see how that turns out. Do his parents know you are married?

 

You love him. You go along with these odd (to say the least) behavioral quirks of his. Do you see that he is isolating you?

 

Ask yourself what is in this relationship for you. At some point it's going to feel claustrophobic to you. What will you do then?

 

technically, she has not died yet. when she does, ill have to see what he does. i have met some of his acquaintanances, he doesnt really have 'friends' in fact he calls me his 'best friend'. he says that his other relatives are 'b itchy' and 'ass holes' and not worth introducing me to. he doesnt have a great relationship with any of them

 

his parents do indeed know we are married. his mother has asked , in front of me, why are you telling your wife to withold this from her parents? its very strange , he had no response

 

i think that he has been isolating himself. likely because he has no reason, or hasnt in the past, a reason to get out and socialize. i have introduced him to all of my friends to get him out of the house at least. i am not going to stop seeing my friends because he's a total loner. he knows that and actually says he used to be very social. so theres some more to it i suspect. i have asked him to go to a therapist many times, he countered by saying i should see one. again there likely some issues which he doesnt want to talk about. his parents dont understand him and have asked him to see a therapist and again he refused. he started taking an antidepressant which made him feel better but then he suffered from sexual side effects(very common with those type of medications) so he stopped them

 

i dont think he's 'crazy', as in a psychopath. however he definitely has some paranoid thoughtswhich are at times amusing and other times head scratchers.

[BaileyB]

 

i asked him if he truly wanted our marriage to work and he said he did. i then said i didnt marry him to just waste anyone's time and that if both of us want a successful marriage then we both would have to work on it. he seems to be under the idea that i am too independent and that i don't want a 'codependent relationship'.

 

He's not wrong in his choice of words, but perhaps the word you are looking for is partnership. There is a big difference between a codependent relationship and a partnership. A healthy marriage, is best achieved when two independent and emotionally healthy people, come together to form a partnership.

 

A definition of codependency from Wikipeidia...

"Codependency is a type of dysfunctional helping relationship when one person supports or enables another person's drug addiction, alcoholism, poor mental health, immaturity, irresponsibility, or underachievement."

 

I would say, with all due respect as you talk about the fact that he is a "fixer-upper" and that you've taken him on as a project... What you have right now is by definition, a codependent relationship. What you seek with him is a partnership, a marriage.

 

My boyfriend, who divorced his ex-wife, would probably say that her paranoid thoughts were amusing and head scratchers early in their marriage. But, they became significantly more challenging as time passed - her mental illness was untreated and she got further into her alcohol addiction (probably self medicating herself). But, he's now tied to her for the next several years because they had a child together. And, although he would never regret the child... He very much resents his ex-wife and the fact that she still controls and influences his life, because they share a child.

Edited April 21, 2017 by BaileyB

[mmathers]

He's not wrong in his choice of words, but perhaps the word you are looking for is partnership. There is a big difference between a codependent relationship and a partnership. A healthy marriage, is best achieved when two independent and emotionally healthy people, come together to form a partnership.

 

A definition of codependency from Wikipeidia...

"Codependency is a type of dysfunctional helping relationship when one person supports or enables another person's drug addiction, alcoholism, poor mental health, immaturity, irresponsibility, or underachievement."

 

I would say, with all due respect as you talk about the fact that he is a "fixer-upper" and that you've taken him on as a project... What you have right now is by definition, a codependent relationship. What you seek with him is a partnership, a marriage.

 

My boyfriend, who divorced his ex-wife, would probably say that her paranoid thoughts were amusing and head scratchers early in their marriage. But, they became significantly more challenging as time passed - her mental illness was untreated and she got further into her alcohol addiction (probably self medicating herself). But, he's now tied to her for the next several years because they had a child together. And, although he would never regret the child... He very much resents his ex-wife and the fact that she still controls and influences his life, because they share a child.

 

ok i like the semantics u use, ill use that the next we have a serious chat. so far, he mentioned that 'you seem to have serious issue with me and a serious issue with my family'. he dropped that statement and then was 'too tired' to talk about it further. i replied by asking him to talk more about these issues when he was ready, as i am ready any time to discuss but not at 1am when im sleepy and ready for bed which seems to be his peak discussion/arguing time

 

apparently yesterday was 4/20 which , if you're a weed head , means something. he was planning on going out to 'celebrate' but actually decided against it because he was too tired and had been going out 'every night for the past two weeks'. he didnt drink anything either and went to bed at 11pm, which for him was unusual. i have to really just wait and watch. kind of like a scientist doing an experiment...who knows maybe this family tragedy will be the wake up call he needs?

[mmathers]

ok i like the semantics u use, ill use that the next we have a serious chat. so far, he mentioned that 'you seem to have serious issue with me and a serious issue with my family'. he dropped that statement and then was 'too tired' to talk about it further. i replied by asking him to talk more about these issues when he was ready, as i am ready any time to discuss but not at 1am when im sleepy and ready for bed which seems to be his peak discussion/arguing time

 

apparently yesterday was 4/20 which , if you're a weed head , means something. he was planning on going out to 'celebrate' but actually decided against it because he was too tired and had been going out 'every night for the past two weeks'. he didnt drink anything either and went to bed at 11pm, which for him was unusual. i have to really just wait and watch. kind of like a scientist doing an experiment...who knows maybe this family tragedy will be the wake up call he needs?

 

 

 

so the latest update:

 

my mom told my dad. they are both livid and sad and they were saying they dont trust me since i lied to them for so long.. it was making me feel like crap. i didnt like being responsible for them beign that sad, then i told this to my husband who was upset that i told them

 

i told my husband that i would go to my aunt/uncle's house to give him some space and also space for me. he was not happy with this at all, saying that my aunt will tell my mom and then your parents will know we are having issues. thats when i said we are having issues, ignoring them wont make them disappear. after talking some more, he was then agreeable to me going. he thought it was just a night but i told him it would likely be a few days.

 

i was talking over some of this stuff with my aunt and uncle(did not mention substance issues) but they have met him 2-3 times, which is way more than both of my parents combined. they were really stunned that i didnt tell my parents until last week but said that its done now and i made that decision on my own and so it was best to look forward. they want me to tell my husband to fly with me back to my parents house to face them together and also to ask my inlaws to contact my parents.

 

the night i left, granny left , celestially, as well. husband did not tell me, i found when i called my mother in law this am. apparently, everyone is grieving , i told her that ive been suffering and now so are my parents, that it was not right for me to lie to them and that my husband cannot cut me off from my parents. she was in total agreement with this. i gave her my parents contact info and she said will reach out to them after a period of mourning has been completed. she later texted that she also spoke with my husband.

 

so far , i have not heard from my husband. im giving him space. im giving myself space. part of me(the cynical part), thinks this granny stuff is just an excuse to not deal with the real issues but if i say that , it will make him upset.

 

i spoke with my mom. she asked me if i was pregnant, at this point i said no. she again kept insisting i move to an apartment and then if he wants to come, he can. i told her that im under so much pressure from them and him its killing me. the only way i can relax is to swim 3 miles a day which i told both parties. she then said he is spoiled and will never be able to stand on his own and if he does , it will be a transient effect. she wanted to know what my aunt and uncle had so say about all of this. i told her. she didnt say much

 

ill plan to be here for another day or two then had back to our place. im realizing that the only i can really change is myself. so i have to see what growth ive accomplished in this time span. its obvious to me that my husband is functionally immature. only time will tell...

[CharruaS]

I think if you have a good relationship with his parents and they are willing to help you help him then it could be a good idea. I also think that it's important to have some boundaries with in-laws so that there is no miscommunication on what each person's role is. I know of a great resource that helps marriages thrive, they might be of help to you. You can call them at 866.875.2915 for a free consultation. I wish you the best of luck!

[Mr. Lucky]

i spoke with my mom. she asked me if i was pregnant, at this point i said no. she again kept insisting i move to an apartment and then if he wants to come, he can. i told her that im under so much pressure from them and him its killing me. the only way i can relax is to swim 3 miles a day which i told both parties. she then said he is spoiled and will never be able to stand on his own and if he does , it will be a transient effect. she wanted to know what my aunt and uncle had so say about all of this. i told her. she didnt say much

 

mmathers, do you really want to do marriage counseling by family committee?

 

No one has more - or better - information than you. No one has a clearer idea of what it is you want and how best to get there. If you need help with the process, a trained professional would be more skilled and effective than bickering family members with their own agendas.

 

Time for some healthy boundaries...

 

Mr. Lucky

[mmathers]

mmathers, do you really want to do marriage counseling by family committee?

 

No one has more - or better - information than you. No one has a clearer idea of what it is you want and how best to get there. If you need help with the process, a trained professional would be more skilled and effective than bickering family members with their own agendas.

 

Time for some healthy boundaries...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

i understand your point. i did not convey this information to say that i am listening to anyone. clearly, my mom and my husband and my aunt/uncle have their own opinions and they are more than happy to share them with me. i am just trying to get through it one day at a time.

 

i like to hear different opinions then meld the parts i want/need with my own ideas then do implement it. please dont take my silence as being constantly complicit

[mmathers]

I think if you have a good relationship with his parents and they are willing to help you help him then it could be a good idea. I also think that it's important to have some boundaries with in-laws so that there is no miscommunication on what each person's role is. I know of a great resource that helps marriages thrive, they might be of help to you. You can call them at 866.875.2915 for a free consultation. I wish you the best of luck!

 

 

hmm i tried to call this, its a several day wait, i might try them again later

[mmathers]

He's not wrong in his choice of words, but perhaps the word you are looking for is partnership. There is a big difference between a codependent relationship and a partnership. A healthy marriage, is best achieved when two independent and emotionally healthy people, come together to form a partnership.

 

A definition of codependency from Wikipeidia...

"Codependency is a type of dysfunctional helping relationship when one person supports or enables another person's drug addiction, alcoholism, poor mental health, immaturity, irresponsibility, or underachievement."

 

I would say, with all due respect as you talk about the fact that he is a "fixer-upper" and that you've taken him on as a project... What you have right now is by definition, a codependent relationship. What you seek with him is a partnership, a marriage.

 

 

 

 

My boyfriend, who divorced his ex-wife, would probably say that her paranoid thoughts were amusing and head scratchers early in their marriage. But, they became significantly more challenging as time passed - her mental illness was untreated and she got further into her alcohol addiction (probably self medicating herself). But, he's now tied to her for the next several years because they had a child together. And, although he would never regret the child... He very much resents his ex-wife and the fact that she still controls and influences his life, because they share a child.

 

 

so we had a couple of big talks

 

the first one he focused on his dad repeatedly asking if i could get over it saying the dad has suffered enough and this incident stressing. i said i could not and FIL behavior was unacceptable. FIL kept calling me on my cell which i told my husband. i was disturbed by husbands disregard for my feelings and told his behavior did not show that he supported me. we talked about other issues including i was talking to a therapist and i was going to al-anon meetings. he was bothered by the al-alon meetings asking me to skip and go to a bar with him, i declined that. after our talk, he felt nauseous, threw up and hadnt been eating. the next while i was out he went to his parents house where he has been staying for the past few nights. he comes by to check on things and do 'work' on the property

 

today, we had another big chat. he said he wanted me to move out and that we had a 'toxic relationship'. he said for the past year he has been miserable, grinding his teeth and his hair was turning white. he blamed me for all of this. i asked him to stay and he refused. i felt that it was a pretty much one sided conversation. i said i cared about him and loved him but he said i showed him no empathy and that he was suffering but i didnt care. he repeatedly said until i moved out of his apt he would not move back. i said i would stay then he said he would move his stuff out. he was upset that i wanted to stay in the apt. he was not listening to anything i was saying at all. i asked him if he wanted to get an annullment and he did not say that. he said that he wanted me to move out and for me to work on myself and for him to work on himself and they would figure out the rest later.

 

he said he will come by tomorrow after i begged him repeatedly

i feel so lost and hurt. his actions dont make any sense to me and it seems that just wants me to go away as he sees me as a 'problem'

[mmathers]

so we had a couple of big talks

 

the first one he focused on his dad repeatedly asking if i could get over it saying the dad has suffered enough and this incident stressing. i said i could not and FIL behavior was unacceptable. FIL kept calling me on my cell which i told my husband. i was disturbed by husbands disregard for my feelings and told his behavior did not show that he supported me. we talked about other issues including i was talking to a therapist and i was going to al-anon meetings. he was bothered by the al-alon meetings asking me to skip and go to a bar with him, i declined that. after our talk, he felt nauseous, threw up and hadnt been eating. the next while i was out he went to his parents house where he has been staying for the past few nights. he comes by to check on things and do 'work' on the property

 

today, we had another big chat. he said he wanted me to move out and that we had a 'toxic relationship'. he said for the past year he has been miserable, grinding his teeth and his hair was turning white. he blamed me for all of this. i asked him to stay and he refused. i felt that it was a pretty much one sided conversation. i said i cared about him and loved him but he said i showed him no empathy and that he was suffering but i didnt care. he repeatedly said until i moved out of his apt he would not move back. i said i would stay then he said he would move his stuff out. he was upset that i wanted to stay in the apt. he was not listening to anything i was saying at all. i asked him if he wanted to get an annullment and he did not say that. he said that he wanted me to move out and for me to work on myself and for him to work on himself and they would figure out the rest later.

 

he said he will come by tomorrow after i begged him repeatedly

i feel so lost and hurt. his actions dont make any sense to me and it seems that just wants me to go away as he sees me as a 'problem'

 

oh and im NOT pregnant , thanks goodness!

[BaileyB]

we talked about other issues including i was talking to a therapist and i was going to al-anon meetings. he was bothered by the al-alon meetings asking me to skip and go to a bar with him, i declined that.

 

he said he wanted me to move out and that we had a 'toxic relationship'. he said for the past year he has been miserable, grinding his teeth and his hair was turning white. he blamed me for all of this. he said i showed him no empathy and that he was suffering but i didnt care. he said that he wanted me to move out and for me to work on myself and for him to work on himself. he said he will come by tomorrow after i begged him repeatedly'

 

Seriously? He was bothered by you going to al-anon meetings and asked you to skip and go to a bar? That says it right there, he has no insight and does not think there is a problem. That is ridiculous!

 

Furthermore, this is an absolute mess. You know that, right? The FIL behavior is absolutely unacceptable. The fact that your husband is not supporting you and telling his father that his behavior is unacceptable, is unacceptable.

 

Your husband is correct about one thing - this is a very toxic relationship. You don't understand his behavior... This is exactly what people have been telling you - he is not a good guy. you have been blinded by "love" and you have failed to really accept that there is some very concerning behavior here. He wants you to work on yourself... What a gem! He's blame shifting (blaming all of his problems and the problems in your relationship on you) and you are allowing this. Do what he wants and walk away... File for an annulment. Don't look back except to work with your counsellor to figure out how you got into such an unhappy, unhealthy relationship? And then, really think about why you didn't leave sooner. Thank goodness you are not pregnant. This is a totally disaster. I'm so sorry...

 

It's really time to say, I made a mistake and this relationship is not going to work out. There is no shame in saying that.... The only shame would be if you stayed in an unhealthy relationship where you are treated with such disrespect - by both your husband and his father.

Edited May 5, 2017 by BaileyB

[Mr. Lucky]

today, we had another big chat. he said he wanted me to move out and that we had a 'toxic relationship'. he said for the past year he has been miserable, grinding his teeth and his hair was turning white. he blamed me for all of this.

 

How convenient for him to have you to blame for all his problems.

 

It's really time to say, I made a mistake and this relationship is not going to work out. There is no shame in saying that.... The only shame would be if you stayed in an unhealthy relationship where you are treated with such disrespect - by both your husband and his father.

 

Amen...

 

Mr. Lucky