Should I stay or should I go?

[mmathers]

Your parents do not dislike him because he had less education than you. You know that are just using that as an excuse to make them look judgemental.

 

The reason they don't like him is because he is a slacker and is an entitled, spoiled, selfish, lazy, unemployed, drunken, stoner, Peter Pan who is a mommy and daddy's boy who marries women in secret and hides in the shadows from her parents and makes her lie to family to cover up being with him.

 

That is why they do not like him and they are correct for feeling that way.

 

He isn't any good and will cause you much grief and suffering. Do not get pregnant. If you chose to ruin your own life with this man-child, that is your prerogative. But do not subject an innocent child to having this Failure-To-Launch ner'do well to this for a father.

 

If you think he is an irresponsible slacker now, just wait until there is another mouth to feed that will dependent on you two as parents.

 

 

u definitely dont mince words!

he actually doesnt want us to get pregnant now because he can't 'handle the stress' of that , i told him if it turns i am(just have to wait a few weeks), then i would take care of it. i told him i didnt expect him to do anything

and as for the house, my intention is to buy it with my savings and put the mortgage/utilities/title/taxes in my name. i really could use the tax deduction, my accountantn highly suggested it .

 

he has mentioned several times 'getting a job'. so im wondering if he will put action into his words. everything he does is ....slow, on his own terms and painfully deliberate.

 

he has also mentioned that im not 'stuck' and that he 'doesnt want money from me'. he seems to be ok with getting money from his parents but upset when i pay for stuff. i interpret that as he sees emasculated when i pay for stuff but that he is 'contributing' if his parents pay for stuff. when we were arguing the other day, i said i would pay him back for rent and other items and he said he didnt want a cent from me. so, unless he's that cunning, i dont think he married me for my 'money'

 

my dad told me a few months ago: dont change your last name, dont get pregnant, dont get a joint account. i assume he said this because he saw that this could potentially go awry.

[BaileyB]

With kindness, your parents and random strangers on the Internet can tell you that this guy is only going to bring you grief and that this marriage will not end well, but you need to learn this yourself and make the decision when you are ready.

 

Until then, you would be very wise not to buy property, join your finances, or get pregnant with this man - not until he has shown you that he can get the alcohol under control (which will be difficult) and deal with the stress of life without escaping with alcohol and drugs. Only then, should you consider moving forward with him.

 

I understand that you love this man and you want the best for him, but you can't be responsible for his society or his life happiness. At some point, he will have to learn to stand on his own two feet - or he will not be able to do it. You are a physician which means that you are a smart woman... you have to know this, you just need to come to a point of really accepting this. Don't waste too much time and don't waste your opportunity in life on a man who is not really able to be who you want him to be or share the life that you want.

 

Best wishes.

[BaileyB]

And, if I may, perhaps you should consider attending an al-anon meeting to learn a little more about addictions and how the partner often supports and enables the person with the addiction. Perhaps, more education would be a good thing.

[lucy_in_disguise]

He's in his mid-thirties and does not see a problem with his behaivior. He is not going to change. You may be able to convince him to move out of his parents' house, but it will be you supporting him instead, and his substance abusers issues aren't going to disappear.

 

Either accept this as the life you have chosen, or divorce him.

 

As a side note, i think your relationship with your parents sounds a little dysfunctional. Since they refused to even meet your Bf for a long time based on his "only" bachelor degree, I don't agree with prior posters that they lied about why they disapproved of him (education) to protect you. I'm sure they have your best interests at heart but pushing their goals of marrying you to a doctor seems like it could be counter productive. I think there are plenty of people with less education and different professions who are kind, responsible, and could make a great partner. Just as there are some doctors who would be w bad match for other reasons. Your current guy is just the other extreme. But please don't internalize your parents' elitist world view in your next search.

[mmathers]

He's in his mid-thirties and does not see a problem with his behaivior. He is not going to change. You may be able to convince him to move out of his parents' house, but it will be you supporting him instead, and his substance abusers issues aren't going to disappear.

 

Either accept this as the life you have chosen, or divorce him.

 

As a side note, i think your relationship with your parents sounds a little dysfunctional. Since they refused to even meet your Bf for a long time based on his "only" bachelor degree, I don't agree with prior posters that they lied about why they disapproved of him (education) to protect you. I'm sure they have your best interests at heart but pushing their goals of marrying you to a doctor seems like it could be counter productive. I think there are plenty of people with less education and different professions who are kind, responsible, and could make a great partner. Just as there are some doctors who would be w bad match for other reasons. Your current guy is just the other extreme. But please don't internalize your parents' elitist world view in your next search.

 

i really wish my dad would at least meet him. his view is that he doesnt need to . my mom met him a couple of years and she was not nice to him. her bigger issue is that he is totally dependent on his parents. my dad deduced that but also doesnt like that he isnt a doctor. my husband dropped out of medical school so when i told my dad that , my dad did not like hearing it. my dad wants to see him finish his graduate degree to see what he will do, i helped my husband get into a competititive school and hes doing well but going at a slow pace

 

i told them i didnt want to marry another doctor(for many reasons which are not relevant here). that was a-ok with my mom(doctor) but not my dad(lawyer). they just dont think my husbands current educational level and mine match, again i have not told them about these other issues but i think they can deduce some of this

[mmathers]

He's in his mid-thirties and does not see a problem with his behaivior. He is not going to change. You may be able to convince him to move out of his parents' house, but it will be you supporting him instead, and his substance abusers issues aren't going to disappear.

 

Either accept this as the life you have chosen, or divorce him.

 

As a side note, i think your relationship with your parents sounds a little dysfunctional. Since they refused to even meet your Bf for a long time based on his "only" bachelor degree, I don't agree with prior posters that they lied about why they disapproved of him (education) to protect you. I'm sure they have your best interests at heart but pushing their goals of marrying you to a doctor seems like it could be counter productive. I think there are plenty of people with less education and different professions who are kind, responsible, and could make a great partner. Just as there are some doctors who would be w bad match for other reasons. Your current guy is just the other extreme. But please don't internalize your parents' elitist world view in your next search.

 

also, what do u make of my husband not liking taking money from me? he doesnt like me paying for things? keeps saying he will get a job. is that just bs? if he wants to do something, then he will. ive definitely seen that behavior.

 

i actually bought him three cases of beer yesterday. he didnt like that i used 'my money' to buy his beer. so far he hasnt touched it:eek:

[mmathers]

And, if I may, perhaps you should consider attending an al-anon meeting to learn a little more about addictions and how the partner often supports and enables the person with the addiction. Perhaps, more education would be a good thing.

 

 

ill look into that , it give me another way of handling this

[GorillaTheater]

i actually bought him three cases of beer yesterday. he didnt like that i used 'my money' to buy his beer. so far he hasnt touched it:eek:

 

 

You might want to ask yourself whether this constitutes Enabling Behavior on your part, or what other motivation you may have to do stuff like this.

[mmathers]

You might want to ask yourself whether this constitutes Enabling Behavior on your part, or what other motivation you may have to do stuff like this.

 

 

normally i would call this 'enabling'. however, this guy is a contrarian. when his parents pushed him into medical school, he did it for a year then dropped it . when his parents wanted him to grad school full time, he did it for a week then went to part time. his parents did not him to do any work in the family business, he found some small 'projects' to work on . when we all told him to stop weed, he bought a brand new bong and pipe. he also hates when i buy him stuff. he wants the money to come from his parents. when he sees me paying for things, it seems to get him to 'stop'.

he also claims he doesnt like to drink . i want to see if that is the case

[somanymistakes]

I'm more concerned about the buying ANYONE "three cases of beer" than the details about who paid for it, personally.

[SaveYourHeart]

I don't want to sound mean or crass, but I used to buy my husband alcohol too, even shot glasses. It wasn't until I was dead inside, that I woke up one morning to find out that my life had become unmanageable. I didn't know who either of us were anymore. I'm only 24. He hasn't stopped drinking and I haven't stopped loving him, but I'm miserable. I'm terrified, I'm tired, I'm angry, I'm bitter, and he resents me for resenting him. Just because it all seems fine and like he can quit anytime he wants, he won't and it's not fine.

 

Alcohol and drug addiction will ruin the life of the user and everyone around them. You have an opportunity to leave before that happens. Will you take it?

[SaveYourHeart]

But you aren't ready to hear those things, you're defending his behavior. When you're ready to take back control of your life, find a nearby al-anon meeting and learn to pick up the shattered pieces of yourself.

[mmathers]

But you aren't ready to hear those things, you're defending his behavior. When you're ready to take back control of your life, find a nearby al-anon meeting and learn to pick up the shattered pieces of yourself.

 

right now, im about to go on a trip by myself, it will give me some time away from him, so i can enjoy some 'me' time. maybe he needs some space too? his grandma is about to die so i dont want to add to more stress. he actually said my presence in front of his parents when his grandma is dying would potentially add stress so i this is his way of 'distancing' himself from me. he was supposed to go on this trip with me but with the grandma situation he is not,im going because i paid for our tickets , i could use the time away and i like to travel

[mmathers]

I'm more concerned about the buying ANYONE "three cases of beer" than the details about who paid for it, personally.

 

 

its alot of beer i agree, if he drinks it or a majority of it, it will prove the point, i want to see what he will do

[dichotomy]

Forget your guy for a second - and all his issues.

 

Close your eyes - Imagine if you will - you separate/divorce by summer. Your choice - it happens -you end it. Now imagine this choice - this life as a new single you. What do you see? What are the positives and negatives? What challenges, what rewards, how does this life look a year or two from this summer?

[mmathers]

Forget your guy for a second - and all his issues.

 

Close your eyes - Imagine if you will - you separate/divorce by summer. Your choice - it happens -you end it. Now imagine this choice - this life as a new single you. What do you see? What are the positives and negatives? What challenges, what rewards, how does this life look a year or two from this summer?

 

i think i would be sad, ive never met anyone like him, he does drive me crazy with all of the above ***** but we have good times together, we've become friends too so i would miss his company

 

i also would be by myself, which doesnt really frighten me but i dont think i want to go through another round of 'searching'

 

i finally told my mom that we are married. she said my dad suspected it and that she wont tell him just yet, she asked when we did it and why. im still trying to get them to at least meet them but she and my dad are not agreeable at this stage, im happy i told her, i feel a weight was lifted off my chest

[BaileyB]

normally i would call this 'enabling'. however, this guy is a contrarian. when his parents pushed him into medical school, he did it for a year then dropped it . when his parents wanted him to grad school full time, he did it for a week then went to part time. his parents did not him to do any work in the family business, he found some small 'projects' to work on . when we all told him to stop weed, he bought a brand new bong and pipe. he also hates when i buy him stuff. he wants the money to come from his parents. when he sees me paying for things, it seems to get him to 'stop'.

he also claims he doesnt like to drink . i want to see if that is the case

 

I wouldn't call this contrarian... I would call his behavior immature, adolescent, rebellious, irresponsible, lazy, entitled, self-centred, and completely unwilling an/or unable to deal with the stresses and responsibility of life.

 

A trip sounds good. Take some time away from him to think about what you want for your future... and think about what life will be like in the future when you are working your very demanding, professional job, raising children, and supporting a husband who escapes from reality and responsibility by drinking himself to intoxication and smoking weed everyday. And, do you really want your kids to be raised by an alcoholic, drug using father?

 

Sorry, I really don't mean to be unkind, but this is the harsh reality of the situation. I do wish you well, whatever you decide. It's just hard to listen to a very intelligent young girl who has so much to look forward to in life chose to stay in an unhealthy relationship. But, your parents and these posters can only offer our experience and advice, you make that decision. Best wishes.

[CharruaS]

i need some advice with my marriage

ill make this brief

 

i have been married for less than a year. my parents still dont know im married but i think they figured it out. they dont approve of my husband based on his educational level. he has a bachelors and ive got a graduate degree. he started a graduate degree program a year ago which he does part time . he does not work

 

the issues are:

he drinks , more heavily than i realized when we were dating

 

he smokes weed, its air to him

 

he has super wealthy parents who 'support' him, giving him a free apartment in a nice part of the city, a car, all utilities , he got into a habit of always asking them for cash when he wanted it; and they gave it to him. until i asked them to stop doing this

 

this has caused him to resent me. he says im stressing him out when i say i dont want to live off his parents charity and buy our own house(i have enough money to afford us a decent house). i also dont like that most of my things are in storage. i want him to finish school by going full time and getting a real job. he is going even slower with school.

 

to make matters worse, his dad recently groped me.when i told my husband about it, he was upset but at the same asked if i 'could get over it' and also questioned if i was making the whole thing to get us to move out of his apartment faster.

 

i love my husband but we are getting into constant arguments about me not wanting him to depend on his parents generosity, i also feel that by putting me in a position of depending on others. he says he doesnt want money from me, has a hard time accepting that we should be independent of his parents. i make more than he does, and he doesnt like me paying for stuff

 

we both really want this to work but ill ask you what you think

 

 

 

 

It sounds to me like there are a number of things that need to be worked out, if he doesn't want to do marriage counseling I would suggest you go on your own so that you can learn the tools you need to handle this situation. As someone who grew up with an alcoholic father I can tell you that it's a serious illness but one that can be beaten. People can change and if you are both committed to your marriage and doing whatever it takes to making it work then you can make it work. It does take BOTH of you to make it work however, marriage cannot be one sided or 50/50, it has to be 100/100. I will be praying for you both!

[mmathers]

I wouldn't call this contrarian... I would call his behavior immature, adolescent, rebellious, irresponsible, lazy, entitled, self-centred, and completely unwilling an/or unable to deal with the stresses and responsibility of life.

 

A trip sounds good. Take some time away from him to think about what you want for your future... and think about what life will be like in the future when you are working your very demanding, professional job, raising children, and supporting a husband who escapes from reality and responsibility by drinking himself to intoxication and smoking weed everyday. And, do you really want your kids to be raised by an alcoholic, drug using father?

 

Sorry, I really don't mean to be unkind, but this is the harsh reality of the situation. I do wish you well, whatever you decide. It's just hard to listen to a very intelligent young girl who has so much to look forward to in life chose to stay in an unhealthy relationship. But, your parents and these posters can only offer our experience and advice, you make that decision. Best wishes.

 

well i didnt end up going on the trip, his grandma passed.i didnt realize he was so close to the grandmay. he's crying , depressed, this of course ,not unusual in terms of drinking and weed usage. he asked me why i didnt go and that i would need a vacation from him. i told him i would be there to support him.

 

i spoke with my best friend about this whole situation, who essentially is giving me the same advice as you all and that i know the answer but im not ready to do what i need to do. i hate to give up on a guy i love so dearly who is throwing away his life. it makes sad and i can't do this while he's down,

 

at least my mom knows im married, im happy i told her. and im happy i confided in my friend about all this stuff. theres some therapy in just communicating this stuff to outside sources

[mmathers]

It sounds to me like there are a number of things that need to be worked out, if he doesn't want to do marriage counseling I would suggest you go on your own so that you can learn the tools you need to handle this situation. As someone who grew up with an alcoholic father I can tell you that it's a serious illness but one that can be beaten. People can change and if you are both committed to your marriage and doing whatever it takes to making it work then you can make it work. It does take BOTH of you to make it work however, marriage cannot be one sided or 50/50, it has to be 100/100. I will be praying for you both!

 

 

 

i agree with what you are saying, im wondering if talking his parents might also help, just to let them how serious things are getting

[Bufo]

Smokes weed due to you stressing him out? Goes catatonic when his grandmother succumbs to what I presume was as long illness? Is he smoking more in reaction to that stress, too? Won't stay in school or work? Feels stressed by lack of money?

 

What would you advise your sister or BFF is she were in your shoes?

 

Staying with him is going you make you the mother of a depressed adolescent.

You have no kids? Not much in the way of joint asserts or debt? You have no idea how much easier splitting up is under those circumstances,'. Take advantage of is opportunity. Marriage isn't supposed to b scripted by the lyrics is some millennial age band. Life can be hard enough when both spouses are pulling their weight.

 

Finally, do you like him better high or straight laced sober?

[BaileyB]

i spoke with my best friend about this whole situation, who essentially is giving me the same advice as you all and that i know the answer but im not ready to do what i need to do. i hate to give up on a guy i love so dearly who is throwing away his life. it makes sad and i can't do this while he's down.

 

No, you can't do this while he's down, but you do know that you have to do this. Unfortunately, as much as you may want to, you can't save him. He is responsible for himself. He has so many problems, he will only bring you down if you stay with him.

Edited April 20, 2017 by BaileyB

[BaileyB]

If you haven't seen this discussion, maybe there is something helpful here for you...

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/separation-divorce/614626-anyone-dealing-alcoholic-feel-guilty-divorce

[mmathers]

If you haven't seen this discussion, maybe there is something helpful here for you...

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/separation-divorce/614626-anyone-dealing-alcoholic-feel-guilty-divorce

 

 

 

i will look at this as well

he is acting strangely now, i bought flowers for his parents and he refuses to take them . saying its not 'all about you'. i asked him what he meant and he said he 'cant get into this right now'. all of his family is distraught about the grandmother death. he wont let me know what else is going on , i feel cut out of the loop. it feels abnormal

 

he still wants to be physical

 

i told him that i told my mom we are married and he was asking 'what did she say? how did she react? so she will tell your dad?'

[mmathers]

Smokes weed due to you stressing him out? Goes catatonic when his grandmother succumbs to what I presume was as long illness? Is he smoking more in reaction to that stress, too? Won't stay in school or work? Feels stressed by lack of money?

 

What would you advise your sister or BFF is she were in your shoes?

 

Staying with him is going you make you the mother of a depressed adolescent.

You have no kids? Not much in the way of joint asserts or debt? You have no idea how much easier splitting up is under those circumstances,'. Take advantage of is opportunity. Marriage isn't supposed to b scripted by the lyrics is some millennial age band. Life can be hard enough when both spouses are pulling their weight.

 

the grandma was 105. she lived a good life. she was made comfort care and she technically isnt dead yet but she will be soon. all of their family members are there but he wont include me in any of that. he seems to hate all of his extended family and does not want me to meet them, saying they are all b itchy and a sssholes.

 

Finally, do you like him better high or straight laced sober?

 

i definitely like him sober , but lately his behavior has been changing alot. i have been trying to 'back off' and let him come to me. i must be not as laid back as i thought i was.

 

i mentioned the paris/chainsmokers reference because it refers to fancified version of reality, so maybe i am duping myself