My Best Friend is My AP...

[DKT3]

Do you think perhaps it's time to sit down with your spouses and lay out what is happening and where you all see yourselfs in the future?

 

If each couple has issues within their marriages that will not or cannot be fixed than it's time for everyone to be on the same page. It's only fair that all four of you are aware of where at least two of you are at with each other.

 

My experience is different than yours, my husband had an affair than I had a revenge affair. It took ten years to find peace, I did live with former AP and that experience in itself was horrific.

 

As far as not hurting anyone, some one will be bound to be hurt which is another reason to tackle this situation sooner than later.

 

Just some things to think about:)

 

Everyone involved​ will be hurt, maybe not all at once. OP is aware which is the reason for the disclaimer, to control the conversation and avoid judgement.

 

Kat I really wish it could work out and no one got hurt. But it can't. No matter how detailed the conversation you and AP have no end game and as mature as you think you're handling the situation it's really teenage logic and reasoning.

[somanymistakes]

I don't think you're going to find too many people to have a discussion with who are happily involved in affairs. Those people tend not to frequent message boards.

 

Why would they, when they get vigorously shouted down and told what awful people they are if they dare to speak up?

 

(Alternately, people who are happy in affairs are people who are good at keeping their mouths shut so as not to spoil the secret. People unhappy with the current state of affairs are more likely to talk about it and thus risk it changing.)

[DKT3]

Why would they, when they get vigorously shouted down and told what awful people they are if they dare to speak up?

 

(Alternately, people who are happy in affairs are people who are good at keeping their mouths shut so as not to spoil the secret. People unhappy with the current state of affairs are more likely to talk about it and thus risk it changing.)

 

Which is why she is here.... Unhappy with things, not willing to admit it.

[AutumnMoon]

To me this doesn't even seem real, almost like you are trying to write a story or something some weird fairytale.

Not because I don't know all of this is possible of course. I share a yard with my AP, we spend a crazy amount of time together, meals, kid pick ups and we volunteer together for their teams aswell when our spouses are not able to do that at all because of their jobs. My AP's mother has even had talks with both of us aswell!

 

However something anout this does Not ring true to me I think there is a lot being left out or added for flair.

I do not know why I get that vibe, maybe it is because you are giving way too many details .

 

In any case how you are handling yourself now is going to get you caught if this is all true. Your first post you made it seem like it was of the utmost importance to keep this from coming to light.

I understood that completely because that's the most important thing to me, if I am not protecting the people I love from being hurt then I really am the villain in my own story.

 

Sometimes I feel like people here are trying to paint their affair with rose-colored glasses to dim down the haters that have responded they were going to get caught.

Maybe that is the case here.

 

Good luck to you.

Edited April 17, 2017 by AutumnMoon

[DKT3]

To me this doesn't even seem real, almost like you are trying to write a story or something some weird fairytale.

Not because I don't know all of this is possible of course. I share a yard with my AP, we spend a crazy amount of time together, meals, kid pick ups and we volunteer together for their teams aswell when our spouses are not able to do that at all because of their jobs. My AP's mother has even had talks with both of us aswell!

 

However something anout this does Not ring true to me I think there is a lot being left out or added for flair.

I do not know why I get that vibe, maybe it is because you are giving way too many details .

 

In any case how you are handling yourself now is going to get you caught if this is all true. Your first post you made it seem like it was of the utmost importance to keep this from coming to light.

I understood that completely because that's the most important thing to me, if I am not protecting the people I love from being hurt then I really am the villain in my own story.

 

Sometimes I feel like people here are trying to paint their affair with rose-colored glasses to dim down the haters that have responded they were going to get caught.

Maybe that is the case here.

 

Good luck to you.

 

I find it odd that even you, who are in almost the same situation, are having trouble​ with this story.....I think it's not real in the sense that she appears to have no guilt or desire to change anything. While I don't understand you either, you do have guilt and a desire to change the situation ( albeit you wanting your husband to be the one to adjust).

 

Kat I don't think we have anyone else who will identify with you, I thought maybe Autumn would, but doesn't appear she does.

[AutumnMoon]

I relate to a lot of what she said, I don't know how I couldn't my story is similar in a lot of ways.

I am just getting a weird vibe from her posts but sometimes I think that people get those vibes from my posts as well and it's only because I come across as kind of guarded because of how I am perceived. You want to prove people wrong almost them saying that you are for sure going to get caught you want to prove them wrong so you list reasons why that's not going to happen.

Like maybe she only wants to share the good side she doesn't want to show her guilt here at all that doesn't mean she doesn't feel it.

[AutumnMoon]

I am pretty positive I made a post when my AP's mother had approached me and talked about us. she sat down and talked about me as well with him one night. It freaked me out royally.

[Birdies]

Glad you had a good time and a good talk with his mother. I think you might be focusing on the mother thing too much though. Honestly - who really cares what his mom or any other extended family/friends think? Are you looking for permission of sorts to be in an affair, maybe? I can understand that mindset. You know what you're doing is wrong and are looking for any additional reason beyond your own justification to make it seem ok.

 

I do think you need to break out of the fantasy land where even if everything comes to light, you will still be able to put your kids' needs first and all that. You won't. It will be incredibly traumatic for all of them.

 

Especially if you two know that you don't want to keep up this charade forever and you don't want to lose each other - TELL THEM! It will be less traumatic for you to confess than for it to come to light accidentally. The somewhat estranged wife of my MM (he is now my partner) walked in on us at 1 in the morning. And I assure you we thought we were 100% in the clear. She called my husband before I was able to talk to him. It made a bad situation so, so, so much worse to have it come out that way. Furthermore, telling them 3-4 years in is so much kinder than 10 years in. Yhe longer you wait, the more you will be making them second guess their entire lives, their children's entire lives.

 

Anyway I know you probably won't listen to this advice, nor anyone else here. I do hope you continue to post and especially if this all blows up. I will be very curious about how it all falls out.

[Imajerk17]

This thread sounds like an awful lot of writing to justify a situation that is just wrong.

 

Basically your conversation was how you both are subjecting your family to a version of The Truman Show. Your families are living a lie although they don't even know it.

 

You and your AP don't seem to get that your kids will look a lot differently at you and AP once this does come to light. They will have a lot of deep-seated anger at you and AP for lying to them and betraying their dad all this time.

Edited April 17, 2017 by Imajerk17

[Kat Keller]

I relate to a lot of what she said, I don't know how I couldn't my story is similar in a lot of ways.

I am just getting a weird vibe from her posts but sometimes I think that people get those vibes from my posts as well and it's only because I come across as kind of guarded because of how I am perceived. You want to prove people wrong almost them saying that you are for sure going to get caught you want to prove them wrong so you list reasons why that's not going to happen.

Like maybe she only wants to share the good side she doesn't want to show her guilt here at all that doesn't mean she doesn't feel it.

 

 

All I can do is speak to my own experience with this... I've never had an affair before this nor did I ever entertain the idea of one. I said in my other posts that I don't condone affairs but I am in an extramarital affair and these are the facts. As far as guilt... I just don't have it about this situation. I can't invent it if I don't feel that and yes, I get that is the normative issue for many people but it's not for me or him. I believe I understand why I have no guilt about this situation. It doesn't mean that I don't care or that I don't have concerns about hurting anyone because I do. But there is a difference in that and guilt.

 

 

[]

Edited April 18, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[Kat Keller]

I can't remember if this issue was raised previously or not, but -

 

Setting aside the legal ramifications for the moment because they honestly aren't everything, how do you think everyone would feel if all four of you were an acknowledged single family? If you were everything you are now, but everyone knew that he was with both you and his wife, and you were with both him and your husband, and everyone was part of one extended family and made plans together?

 

I am not saying you can or should do this, but it's relevant in planning and deciding what you all want. If he could have both you and his wife openly, would he be happy with that, do you think? Would he prefer it to a divorce, if it were possible? And how about on your side? Would you rather keep both him and your husband, if you could, or not?

 

To be perfectly blunt... I would prefer this but my husband doesn't want such a thing (brought it up before as a hypothetical more than once) and my AP's wife would NEVER go for it. On top of it, my AP would eventually like to be divorced from his wife. If he didn't have children with her, he would be gone with or without me involved in his life.

 

 

But thank you for the suggestion...it's one that I've considered. No one else wants it.

[AutumnMoon]

I am not saying that your story is not true at all. I am not in a place to say that at all I am only saying that I get a weird vibe, there is too many details about certain things, and I believe a lot of details left out about others. You say there are no contradictions but there definitely are in one post to say how careful you guys are not to be caught but others prove that I just isn't true , if what you are saying is the truth you don't seem that concerned about being discovered.

 

I do not feel guilty about a lot of what I've done either. At times I have felt like I majorly SHOULD feel guilty and I don't and it's confusing to me it is at those times I have to come here to read and post.

 

I am not saying what you are writing here isn't true

 

You could write all day long and fill this formum up and still not be able to give us every detail because we are not living your life and people are not going to understand how you are feeling.

 

I really meant it when I said good luck to you. If anyone here understands how you were feeling it is likely Me we seem to be in similar situations.

[AutumnMoon]

To be perfectly blunt... I would prefer this but my husband doesn't want such a thing (brought it up before as a hypothetical more than once) and my AP's wife would NEVER go for it. On top of it, my AP would eventually like to be divorced from his wife. If he didn't have children with her, he would be gone with or without me involved in his life.

 

 

But thank you for the suggestion...it's one that I've considered. No one else wants it.

 

When you are able to private message send me one I'm sure we have a lot to talk about very hard to post the stuff publicly here and not be judged

[Kat Keller]

Why would they, when they get vigorously shouted down and told what awful people they are if they dare to speak up?

 

(Alternately, people who are happy in affairs are people who are good at keeping their mouths shut so as not to spoil the secret. People unhappy with the current state of affairs are more likely to talk about it and thus risk it changing.)

 

 

 

These are my sentiments as well.

 

 

I honestly thought there was room here (on this forum) for more than one perspective and one type of experience with affairs. I honestly wouldn't have bothered everyone with this if I knew people here generally DO NOT want to have a dialogue about affairs in general.

 

 

We (he and I) are careful when in the public eye but like I said, I think a lot of what works for us is the fact that it's no secret to ANYONE that we are best friends. Plus we belong to a religious community and lots of people work together (men and women) to carpool, volunteer, do family dinners, etc. I'd say we have a lot of cover in plain sight but we are mindful of how we carry ourselves publicly.

 

 

But I DO agree with posters who are suggesting that this kind of situations carries a VERY high risk of people getting hurt. I've stated that in the other thread and I'm fully aware of it. That is why he and I try to be wise and careful taking for lack of a better phrase, "very calculated risks".

 

 

It's not my opinion that my situation is ideal but right now it's working for us.

 

 

Thank you for your comments.

[Imajerk17]

All I can do is speak to my own experience with this... I've never had an affair before this nor did I ever entertain the idea of one. I said in my other posts that I don't condone affairs but I am in an extramarital affair and these are the facts. As far as guilt... I just don't have it about this situation. I can't invent it if I don't feel that and yes, I get that is the normative issue for many people but it's not for me or him. I believe I understand why I have no guilt about this situation. It doesn't mean that I don't care or that I don't have concerns about hurting anyone because I do. But there is a difference in that and guilt.

 

The bolded is code for "I feel it's wrong for people to have affairs, except me because I'm special and the rules don't apply to me!"

 

Look OP the responses you've gotten have been intense but pretty fair. (You write an awful lot. Maybe you're projecting your guilt onto others?) What you seem to be missing is that the choice you and AP made isn't just a lifestyle decision. Instead, your families are living a complete lie right now, and when the truth DOES come out, people will be devastated. And you aren't fixing this.

[Kat Keller]

I am pretty positive I made a post when my AP's mother had approached me and talked about us. she sat down and talked about me as well with him one night. It freaked me out royally.

 

I was nervous but not freaked out. I have known his mother for almost as long as I've known him and she and I have always gotten along very well. I love and respect her tremendously. I think my concern is if she does know... carrying the burden of it. But she's also a pretty tough woman and while I don't know yet if she knows for sure or just suspect... I don't think she's disrupt our families. It's just not her way.

[Kat Keller]

The bolded is code for "I feel it's wrong for people to have affairs, except me because I'm special and the rules don't apply to me!"

 

Look OP the responses you've gotten have been intense but pretty fair. (You write an awful lot. Maybe you're projecting your guilt onto others?) What you seem to be missing is that the choice you and AP made isn't just a lifestyle decision. Instead, your families are living a complete lie right now, and when the truth DOES come out, people will be devastated. And you aren't fixing this.

 

It's not code. If you look at my other posts... you'll see that I flat out said that affairs are wrong. No two ways about that.. MINE included.

 

 

And no, the posts that I have gotten were NOT fair hence why many were removed from the other thread. So, with all due respect, you don't have all the facts to draw any such conclusions.

[Kat Keller]

I am not saying that your story is not true at all. I am not in a place to say that at all I am only saying that I get a weird vibe, there is too many details about certain things, and I believe a lot of details left out about others. You say there are no contradictions but there definitely are in one post to say how careful you guys are not to be caught but others prove that I just isn't true , if what you are saying is the truth you don't seem that concerned about being discovered.

 

I do not feel guilty about a lot of what I've done either. At times I have felt like I majorly SHOULD feel guilty and I don't and it's confusing to me it is at those times I have to come here to read and post.

 

I am not saying what you are writing here isn't true

 

You could write all day long and fill this formum up and still not be able to give us every detail because we are not living your life and people are not going to understand how you are feeling.

 

I really meant it when I said good luck to you. If anyone here understands how you were feeling it is likely Me we seem to be in similar situations.

 

Too many "details"? I'm not following that at all. My experience is my experience. What was I supposed to do gloss over everything then I'd get several questions (like in the other thread) about why I didn't mention this and that... I actually cut the OP here down because it was just too much info.

 

 

Anyway, at least you aren't mean spirited and I appreciate that for sure.

 

 

Thanks you very much.

[kgcolonel]

Before I exit this particular thread, sadly, my only thought is:

 

I really feel for both your children and your husband. Betrayed, never knowing and all the while, the implied message is that if this comes to light, your family will not be your choice going forward....just too sad for me to continue to read.

 

I do honestly wish the best for you and your family, just can't fathom your lack of remorse for "cheating" on your family......

 

I know you'll likely not respect my comment but at least I am being honest.

[Imajerk17]

It's not code. If you look at my other posts... you'll see that I flat out said that affairs are wrong. No two ways about that.. MINE included.

 

 

And no, the posts that I have gotten were NOT fair hence why many were removed from the other thread. So, with all due respect, you don't have all the facts to draw any such conclusions.

Well, but isn't the big truth the lie that your husband and kids are currently living in right now? When they find out how you've been betraying them all this time they will be devastated. Utterly devastated. THAT facts I am positive about.

 

I am also.positive that if you truly felt you were wrong you would be working to CORRECT it. Otherwise it's just empty words.

 

And you say you are really religious--I sure don't know of a religion that condones of what you and AP are doing....I.mean, we all sin, but you need to correct your mistake.

Edited April 17, 2017 by Imajerk17

[AutumnMoon]

Too many "details"? I'm not following that at all. My experience is my experience. What was I supposed to do gloss over everything then I'd get several questions (like in the other thread) about why I didn't mention this and that... I actually cut the OP here down because it was just too much info.

 

 

Anyway, at least you aren't mean spirited and I appreciate that for sure.

 

 

Thanks you very much.

 

You aren't 'supposed' to do anything.

[]

I am more meaning do not share too much you never know who is reading here and if you share too much all of the sudden somebody you know might end up here and know exactly who you are I've had to stop myself a few times from sharing too much.

 

If i am coming across judgemental I do not mean to. I guess I just understand why some people are posting certain things to you that doesn't mean I agree with what they are saying it does not mean I'm judging your situation harshly. I seem to be in a very very similar situation! It is very hard to have nobody to talk to about these kinds of things in real life even if you aren't feeling guilty you want to share how you feel, want somebody to understand that you are in love, whether they think it's wrong or not .

 

Please don't take what I said the wrong way sometimes I don't word things correctly.

 

you can feel fulfilled and yet still feel lonely in this kind of situation very very easily and I understand that .

Edited April 19, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Topical content

[Kat Keller]

When you are able to private message send me one I'm sure we have a lot to talk about very hard to post the stuff publicly here and not be judged

 

AutumnMoon,

 

 

I'm not sure how to do that... but I will look into it and thank you for offering. It's incredibly kind of you.

 

[]

 

I understand that I'm engaging in an affair (which is morally wrong...while I don't feel my love for my AP is wrong, I do think the affair is because it's lying and cheating. Those things are just wrong and I freely admit that

 

[]

Edited April 19, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Redacted off-topic content ~6

[Kat Keller]

Before I exit this particular thread, sadly, my only thought is:

 

I really feel for both your children and your husband. Betrayed, never knowing and all the while, the implied message is that if this comes to light, your family will not be your choice going forward....just too sad for me to continue to read.

 

I do honestly wish the best for you and your family, just can't fathom your lack of remorse for "cheating" on your family......

 

I know you'll likely not respect my comment but at least I am being honest.

 

Actually, I DO respect your comment. Why? Because it was written in a respectful way even though you don't agree with my choices.

 

 

However, I wouldn't say I don't have remorse for cheating. I understand cheating is wrong. I get that one hundred percent. But I just can't invent guilt that I don't feel about loving my AP and wanting to be with him. But sure, I understand lying and cheating is wrong and I don't like that aspect of it at all. Neither does her for that matter.

 

 

Thank you for your post.

[AutumnMoon]

Yes people here seem to be much more accepting of affairs where spouses do not know each other or there is no connecting relationships .

They have sympathy for single other women but not married other women that kind of thing.

 

I think there's some truth in the fact that everybody just wants to find somebody else that is worse than them. They feel they aren't doing something AS wrong as another maybe it's easier.

 

My AP is my best friend as well.

I have faced judgement for the last four years because of it. Here I am still posting ha ha! It is a good outlet for my feelings to come here even though I do not feel guilty to the level that some feel I should.

[Kat Keller]

You aren't 'supposed' to do anything.

[]

I am more meaning do not share too much you never know who is reading here and if you share too much all of the sudden somebody you know might end up here and know exactly who you are I've had to stop myself a few times from sharing too much.

 

If i am coming across judgemental I do not mean to. I guess I just understand why some people are posting certain things to you that doesn't mean I agree with what they are saying it does not mean I'm judging your situation harshly. I seem to be in a very very similar situation! It is very hard to have nobody to talk to about these kinds of things in real life even if you aren't feeling guilty you want to share how you feel, want somebody to understand that you are in love, whether they think it's wrong or not .

 

Please don't take what I said the wrong way sometimes I don't word things correctly.

 

you can feel fulfilled and yet still feel lonely in this kind of situation very very easily and I understand that .

 

 

 

No problem and thanks for your clarification. And THANK YOU for the advisement... you make a valid point. I do not know who is reading here. True. Maybe scaling back on details is a good idea? I don't know.

 

[]

Edited April 19, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Redacted off-topic content ~6 - Edited quote ~W