Finding guys to date "irl"

April 3, 2017

Eh... I was far more bold when I was looking for dates at a bar. I rarely even tried to make small talk. My hook was offering to buy them a drink and then I'd chat with them if they accepted.

I hate to admit this but, it's the internet so the hell with it.. I used to do what I called "swimming in the wake" while I was in college. There was a mutual acquaintance that used to join us when we went out. He was a total tool when it came to women: arrogant and flat out rude. But, he was also a male model and got a ton of attention from women.. They'd flock to him at the bars, even when he was being a complete a--.

I used to avoid going out with him but he was attached to one of my buddies' hips so I got stuck with him a lot. One time, he was incredibly rude to a woman and I sincerely apologized to her for his behavior and got a date out of it. So, after that, I'd walk up to a woman that this guy had treated like crap, apologize for him (yes, I meant it..) and sometimes they'd chat with me.

His rudeness proved to be an incredible ice-breaker for me.

Haha. We call that "good cop, bad cop". It's usually unintentional as in one friend is a drunken jack-ass who approaches every woman in the bar, while the other plays the straight man i.e. Jason Bateman. I had one wing man who I intentionally used to divvy up the role with night by night. It wasn't so much being an overt jack-ass but one of us intentionally talking up the other the whole night. Bragging rarely works but friends talking you up in a subtle way...

April 3, 2017

Hey Cookies

I just want to clarify something, the guys on OLD are the same guys you see out at the grocery store or at the bar (like the guy you met at a bar and later saw on OLD)

Assuming that the reasons why men use OLD are because they're socially awkward or douches or just looking for sex is a very short sided perspective

Meeting a guy IRL is a gamble just like meeting a guy on OLD is. Just because you meet him IRL doesnt mean he's your prince charming

A lot of guys use OLD for the same reasons why we do....

-We havent had luck meeting anyone IRL
-Our friends are all married/settled down and arent still in the game like us
-We're busy with school/work and dont have time to go the slower route

I've been on OLD on and off for about 1.5 years and I can personally attest to the douche bags that frequent OLD but that doesnt mean there arent good guys out there. I actually did meet one last summer. OLD just takes a lot of time, patience and good weeding skills

3 of my gfs met their husbands on OLD. It does work for some

Persitence, patient and a somewhat optimistic attitude are required for OLD. If you believe all the guys on OLD are douches...thats what you'll get. If you have hope that good guys are out there on pof, okcupid, match....then sooner or later....you'll find one

Keep your chin up girly. We're all in this together

I wish I could believe this, dis, but I just can't. I think the men I'm looking for in particular do not turn to online dating. I'm looking for someone social(at least to the extent he'd have no issues getting to know and asking out a woman irl) attractive, and isn't too busy(at least to the extent he'd have no issues getting to know and asking out a woman irl) and dont have an agenda of finding a man or a woman. I quit it today because I realize this is me. I'm fine being single rather than advertise myself for sale like I'm on some market and shop for men. I want to meet a man in a more "natural" way and if that doesn't happen, fine.

I really haven't had any issues with the men I've met online, except for that they aren't my type(sorry for being redundant). The bad experiences are mostly what I've heard here or other message boards =S

Thank you, dis <3

April 3, 2017

My 2 cents on this......

Unsure how old the OP is...I am assuming mid 20s.

As you get into your mid/late 20s it generally becomes harder to date. People are starting their careers and likely dont have as much free time as when in college to hang out/socialize like they did then. Its also harder to find out who is "available to date".

This is beyond personal issues with shyness or attractiveness.

Online dating in the last 10 years have gotten harder. before only serious users were there, so you tended to find people. As online success happened more people were willing to try it but they werrent as serious and only used it to find the fantasy date that they may not get in real life.

With online dating there are social issues happening that are similar to shopping behavior where people can be lost becaue there are so many people out there that the grass is greener, Part of this is then shooting for the unrealistic fantasy catch. Thus going out of your league.

Online dating can work but you have to put the effort into it. Use it as a tool to meeet people and set up face to face dates. Yes you will have some that you dont have success with.

That's part of the issue. The whole idea of a "serious user" on a dating website seems really unappealing to me, but so does someone who is just on there to mess around. I think the whole concept is just not for me. I totally believe what you say about people having GIGS, though I've never experienced it. When Imet someone I liked on there I stopped using it. Thanks for your input.

April 3, 2017

If you're looking for high quality, highly socially skilled men, then you could probably stand to improve your grammar and writing eloquence a little bit.

I haven't read too many of your posts, but if you're serious, it seems to be constructive criticism to me...

I don't think my writing on message board is the reason I have trouble meeting single guys I'm interested in, but thanks for your opinion. I will consider proofreading a bit more(probably not lol).

April 3, 2017

Well the two birds stuff IS actually helpful. If you do what you love to do and what to put your limited social time to, you should be more attractive to and meet like-minded guys. Invest yourself into your interests, especially ones that have both guys and girls. Increase your social circle and try new things, be open to new experiences. I think you need to be active, such as making a plan to have 2-3 events/activities a week where the potential exists to meet a guy or meet someone new who might lead you to your new bf. Also think about it, when you meet someone in such a setting or through friends/acquaintances you will worry less about how you come off when talking because you dial down the importance (not "looking for a new guy" but rather "discussing shared interests/people/situations) of making that initial conversation.

Also the desperation coming off girls who are solely on the lookout for a new boyfriend usually tends to drive guys away. Whereas when you are interested about whatever you are taking part in when you meet him, you are automatically more attractive. Definitely be proactive, and keep tweaking it to get the right mix of where you will meet people that will lead you to him. It works. Promise. But you can't sit back on your heels and you need to push yourself to not be too shy or reluctant. Open is the key. Good luck

Thank you, Versace! Your posts are always helpful. For some reason, OLD takes a lot of energy for me. I stop going out as much and I start to fall into that 'need to plan dates and get a man' mindset, instead of the one I prefer - to just meet people out and about and let things happen. I will have to make room for more activities per week ( less time spent on here :'(), you are right. I don't think I do enough social things at all. I need to put myself out there more. The new experiences alone are worth it. Thank you, again.

April 3, 2017

I'm about ready to give up now. OLD is just full of women rejecting me because I'm not Brad Pitt's cleverer younger brother. IRL women are looking for the same.

Think I'll just look into Thai Brides.

April 3, 2017

I have a tip: Learn to be attracted to his mind and then let the physical attraction follow. You've mentioned previously that you're extremely fussy about his appearance, so your odds of finding the right guys are extremely low.

You talk about not playing 'out of your league'. But if only one in 500 guys is attractive enough for you, are you really a one in 500 woman? And I'm including dating skills and personality here, not just your looks.

I think I'm a 1 in 7.5 billion! And I think you are too, Basil! Seriously, I'm by no means perfect, but I don't think I'm seeking perfection in body or mind. I am attracted to a guy's mind, but sufficent physical attraction has to be there, or we'll just be friends. I don't operate that way. If they taught courses so I could learn to be different, perhaps I'd sign up. I hope I never get to a point where I need "dating skills", though. People skills, however, could probably use a little work...

Thanks, Basil. I always appreciate your insight. I do have things I need to work on.

April 3, 2017

I have a tip: Learn to be attracted to his mind and then let the physical attraction follow. You've mentioned previously that you're extremely fussy about his appearance, so your odds of finding the right guys are extremely low.

You talk about not playing 'out of your league'. But if only one in 500 guys is attractive enough for you, are you really a one in 500 woman? And I'm including dating skills and personality here, not just your looks.

Also, I wanna add that being I'm not sure being romantically/sexually attracted to someone's mind is the standalone solution. People can be remarkably picky about that. What if I start becoming attracted solely to polymaths who know every neologism, speak 7 languages, are super nice, always considerate, and understand me very deeply.

Edited April 3, 2017 by Cookiesandough

April 3, 2017

I'm looking for someone social(at least to the extent he'd have no issues getting to know and asking out a woman irl) attractive, and isn't too busy(at least to the extent he'd have no issues getting to know and asking out a woman irl) and dont have an agenda of finding a man or a woman.

I'm curious as to why you think that men who meet the criteria you've listed can't be found on OLD. I've interacted with quite a few women on OLD who meet most of those criteria.

April 3, 2017

I wish I could believe this, dis, but I just can't. I think the men I'm looking for in particular do not turn to online dating. I'm looking for someone social(at least to the extent he'd have no issues getting to know and asking out a woman irl) attractive, and isn't too busy(at least to the extent he'd have no issues getting to know and asking out a woman irl) and dont have an agenda of finding a man or a woman. [...]

I agree that the man you are searching for is not online, or at least not online for anything serious. If he can turn heads and attract women IRL, why would he go online where he'd have to compete with fakes and men logging in from their mom's basement, fighting over women he probably wouldn't consider IRL?

If you are truly as selective as you say you are, then going offline is the right move IMHO. But that also means that you have to get creative in your search.

April 3, 2017

I'm curious as to why you think that men who meet the criteria you've listed can't be found on OLD. I've interacted with quite a few women on OLD who meet most of those criteria.

*doesnt gave an agenda(oops)

Have you really? I don't even see how it's possible. Why would you be on a dating site if you weren't? Actually, what I said was a bit hypocritical since I am looking for guys to date. Not urgently, and I guess that's why I needed to retire from OLD. It got stressful and just didn't seem fun,the way it's structured. I also really need to work on getting out more.

I can't fathom why a man(or woman) who is attractive, has no issues approaching(this is kinda hard for women as we have a traditionally more passive role. We choose from who approaches us mostly), and has time for dating and a social life in which they interact with plenty of people would need to resort to pics and a short bio for a rship unless they were extremely picky or lived in a very remote area?

Edited April 3, 2017 by Cookiesandough

April 3, 2017

If you're fairly athletic or even if you're not, one way to meet men is to join a casual social sports team.

April 3, 2017

It got stressful and just didn't seem fun,the way it's structured.

What's stressful about OLD? As long as one has reasonable expectations, it is fun!

I can't fathom why a man(or woman) who is attractive, has no issues approaching(this is kinda hard for women as we have a traditionally more passive role. We choose from who approaches us mostly), and has time for dating and a social life in which they interact with plenty of people would need to resort to pics and a short bio for a rship unless they were extremely picky or lived in a very remote area?

I think a lot of people use OLD as just another way to meet people besides IRL. So many of the people you see OLD also have a social life where they interact with plenty of people.

April 3, 2017

What's stressful about OLD? As long as one has reasonable expectations, it is fun!

Well, since you asked... I don't like texting much unless it has a point. I prefer to make small talk in flesh and blood, not over chat. It's hard for me to gauge romantic interest in a person that way or by a short bio and pics. Also hard to sell myself that way or see people packaged that way. I suppose that's why there is so much complaint of shallowness, but I'm not sure. It misses a lot of things face to face interaction provides. I get accused of being a 'catfish' a lot. A big portion of my dating life spent on having to convince people I exist and I look how I do isn't my thing. After being inundated with enough messages of no quality or interest, eventually everyone morphs into a grey blob. Hard for anyone to really stand out, at no fault of theirs. I feel rude for ignoring messages or leaving things unanswered. I'd never do that in person. It's impossible not to online. Then, if you do meet someone who looks good on paper, meeting them in person is a totally different story. Lots of time there's just nothing there with a person you're on a date with(on your end or theirs)but there's that presupposition of a date, because you met on a dating site. I can't get over that 'forced' aspect. Also, lots of crazy on there in my experience, but that's people especially on the internet. I guess I refuse to believe this is the most efficient way for me to meet people to date.

Edited April 3, 2017 by Cookiesandough

April 3, 2017

Well, since you asked... I don't like texting much unless it has a point. I prefer to make small talk in flesh and blood, not over chat. It's hard for me to gauge romantic interest in a person that way or by a short bio and pics. Also hard to sell myself that way or see people packaged that way.

Totally agree with you here, which is why I always try to meet ASAP. You don't know anything until you meet in person, and even then you really don't know much. Just basic attraction and chemistry. It takes a lot of dates to see if someone has long term potential. But I don't find that stress at all; it's just what I expect.

After being inundated with enough messages of no quality or interest, eventually everyone morphs into a grey blob. Hard for anyone to really stand out, at no fault of theirs. I feel rude for ignoring messages or leaving things unanswered. I'd never do that in person. It's impossible not to online.

If you're only going through your inbox then I don't think that's the most efficient way to do it. You should be browsing profiles, and for those that you have some interest in, check your inbox to see if they messaged you. And if they haven't you can "like" their profile...or send a wink...or whatever the equivalent is...and yes ignoring messages is par for the course. I wouldn't worry about it.

Then, if you do meet someone who looks good on paper, meeting them in person is a totally different story. Lots of time there's just nothing there with a person you're on a date with(on your end or theirs)but there's that presupposition of a date, because you met on a dating site. I can't get over that 'forced' aspect. Also, lots of crazy on there in my experience, but that's people especially on the internet. I guess I refuse to believe this is the most efficient way for me to meet people to date.

Well, that's what I was saying about expectations. OLD isn't really about dating, it's about meeting up with people to see if you might like to date each other. So the first "meet" shouldn't even be considered a date; more just a quick meet over a drink or coffee, and then go from there.

Really not much different than giving your number to some stranger if he asks and you find him attractive. You're strangers, so no idea if you'll actually be compatible once you get to know each other...

April 3, 2017

I've said something like this before OP on your other threads, but I think it bears repeating.

Your threads are all over the map. You went from clearly not being anywhere near over your ex like a month ago, to struggling with online dating because you didn't bother filling out your profile and you block the guys you do like (your last thread). Now you are saying OLD is the problem and you need to be meeting guys in real life.

The advice you have gotten here is good. But, stepping back a bit, it would do you some good to take more responsibility to how you approach dating, your expectations, decisions, and actions.

Edited April 3, 2017 by Imajerk17

April 3, 2017

Thank you for your input. I appreciate it. I forgot to mention I

did browse profiles. I liked people or I would do the app where we'd match. All to the same end. Maybe it's me, but I just can't get that hot for some pics and an about me. I find it odd people can. It's A LOT different for me in person...by miles.

April 3, 2017

Thank you for your input. I appreciate it. I forgot to mention I did browse profiles. I liked people or I would do the app where we'd match. All to the same end. Maybe it's me, but I just can't get that hot for some pics and an about me. I find it odd people can. It's A LOT different for me in person...by miles.

Totally agree, nobody should be getting excited about pics and an about me. That's why I suggest meeting up early and keep the first meet short. You'll know within minutes whether or not there is chemistry, and most of the time there won't be! It's a numbers game..

Again, though this is just to be expected and not really a flaw with OLD. IRL I suppose the reason you might be excited more quickly is because you likely give off signals to men you're attracted to so when the ones that do approach you you're already interested in at least physically. And that's good as well, but how often do men approach in general? In my opinion, if you're genuinely looking to find love, keeping all avenues open (including OLD) is the best option.

April 3, 2017

I can't fathom why a man(or woman) who is attractive, has no issues approaching(this is kinda hard for women as we have a traditionally more passive role. We choose from who approaches us mostly), and has time for dating and a social life in which they interact with plenty of people would need to resort to pics and a short bio for a rship unless they were extremely picky or lived in a very remote area?

They don't look at it as a "last resort". They look at OLD as just another venue in which to meet people.

April 3, 2017

Well, since you asked... I don't like texting much unless it has a point. I prefer to make small talk in flesh and blood, not over chat. It's hard for me to gauge romantic interest in a person that way or by a short bio and pics. Also hard to sell myself that way or see people packaged that way. I suppose that's why there is so much complaint of shallowness, but I'm not sure. It misses a lot of things face to face interaction provides. I get accused of being a 'catfish' a lot. A big portion of my dating life spent on having to convince people I exist and I look how I do isn't my thing. After being inundated with enough messages of no quality or interest, eventually everyone morphs into a grey blob. Hard for anyone to really stand out, at no fault of theirs. I feel rude for ignoring messages or leaving things unanswered. I'd never do that in person. It's impossible not to online. Then, if you do meet someone who looks good on paper, meeting them in person is a totally different story. Lots of time there's just nothing there with a person you're on a date with(on your end or theirs)but there's that presupposition of a date, because you met on a dating site. I can't get over that 'forced' aspect. Also, lots of crazy on there in my experience, but that's people especially on the internet. I guess I refuse to believe this is the most efficient way for me to meet people to date.

Are we the same person? I feel exactly the same way, lol. I hate how inorganic online dating is.

April 4, 2017

Are we the same person? I feel exactly the same way, lol. I hate how inorganic online dating is.

CC get out there and make it happen face to face...exchange glances, words, smiles....it works try it

April 4, 2017

I see enough attractive guys IRL and I'm not scared to talk to them but they are almost always taken where I live.

April 4, 2017

All these people complaining about OLD, and I'm over here having fun and hooking up O_o There are a lot more interesting people in the world that I probably wouldn't have run into irl. That is the power of the internet. It's the same power that's bringing you and me and all of us here together to discuss, when "IRL," we could not.

I don't think attractive and not-socially-awkward men turn to online dating...ever.

Way to insult a lot of men out there, and on this board - especially those who are legitimately trying to use OLD to find love! And what, does your judgement not go both ways? So men who use it are socially awkward, but women who use it are not? I am friends with a girl who met her lover using OLD. She couldn't stop talking about how wonderful this guy was every chance she got, and now they are married and had their first child together. So using your logic, the guy must be pretty lucky that she fell in love with his unattractive socially-awkward butt, and she had no social issues of any sort? Come on now...

Do what you gotta do. If you're done with OLD, be done. But you make your reason sound like you believe it is also the case for everyone else. It's not.

April 4, 2017

CC get out there and make it happen face to face...exchange glances, words, smiles....it works try it

I do! I have no problem attracting men in real life, but generally I don't tend to like them back. I'm not easily attracted unfortunately...

April 4, 2017

I do! I have no problem attracting men in real life, but generally I don't tend to like them back. I'm not easily attracted unfortunately...

It will happen for you

You seem amazing

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