Finding guys to date "irl"

[CptInsano]

I blame it on technology. I'm glad I was raised before the era of social media and cell phones. Texting and messaging have made many people completely socially inept. I cannot tell you how many folks I have met that struggle to hold a conversation, face to face. They can text someone for hours and hours or bullchit over social media but you put them in a room with people and they become uncomfortable in a hurry.

 

I miss the days when you needed to actually communicate face to face or through conversations on the phone in order to get to know one another.

 

I don't know. On one hand I see people walking around with cell phones like zombies, but then again I have no trouble talking to men and women in their 20s. They seem just fine and not socially inept if we engage in conversation. I don't find them any more awkward than we were, to be honest.

 

The one point where I do agree is that they seem less confrontational.

[CptInsano]

You're better looking than me. You don't understand.

 

I'm not very good-looking. At least I don't think so. The only thing I have going for me in that regard is that I have a big smile and blue eyes. I always had to chat up women, they weren't drawn to me just by my looks.

[CptInsano]

If you weren't a good looking guy maybe you'd get what the rest of us experience.

 

Most people don't know this, but I was a heavy stutterer until my mid-20s. Do you know what it feels like to "stutter up" instead of "chatting up" a woman?

[thecrucible]

I actually think OLD is just as hard as irl but in a different way. I'm attractive enough to get attention from men on a regular enough basis to have options on nights out. I'm not the hottest thing but I hold my own. Still, the trouble is finding a guy I can really relate to and have interests in common with - having options is really an illusion. I don't have a lot of single friends. With less social opportunities in a small town and through work (I work mainly with other women), meeting new people is difficult.

 

About a year ago, I dated a few guys from OLD who were good on paper. I was getting better at filtering them. It was just a case of me not being in the right mindset for something serious and not feeling that 'spark'. I also tried multi-dating and that really didn't work for me. At 27, I'm a little bit more together with life and I've sussed out what to look at for long-term potential. Basically, I'm sick of playing around with the bad boys and wasting my time. I'm more open-minded.

 

I'm now dating a guy from OLD. When we met, I just focused on him (no more multi-dating for me) although I continued messaging others without meeting up until I knew where things were going. We have just become official and have been dating for a month now. He has never had a serious relationship before. Usually that would scare me off but I'm giving this some real effort rather than analysing the thing to death (which I'm prone to do). He is not the rock star bad boy I would have gone weak at the knees for at the age of 18. However I feel good chemistry with him and there is no doubt in my mind that I'm attracted to him. I'm glad I gave it more dates to get to know him and not judge him too much on first impressions. OLD can encourage you to analyse too much. Personally I know everyone has their flaws so I take my pick of the flaws I prefer. I assume men think the same about me.

[William]

Moderator bump for two items:

 

1. We have an unfortunately auto-moderated member who posted upthread so read back for further content.

 

2. We had the usual hydra, today's name abe l , invade and I removed their posts but left some responses so there may be hanging quotes. Sorry we didn't catch them quicker.

 

Back to the discussion!

[Cookiesandough]

You're defeating yourself with this kind of negative self-talk before you even get started! It's not that you're feeling/thinking these thoughts, they can be natural, it's what you're (not) doing as a result of them.

 

Flirting, making small talk, etc, are learned skills and the way you get better at them is to practice. The more you do them, the easier they will get. Not saying it will ever necessarily be easy, but it will get easier.

 

My suggestion is the same as I make to the guys here: Just start trying to talk with everyone when you're out and about where it might be natural do to so. You know like in line at the store, waiting for coffee, wherever. And by everyone I mean everyone; men, women, old, young, attractive or not. Just chat with them a bit and then be on your way. You're not trying to start a relationship with them, you're just practicing your interpersonal skills and making yourself available.

 

If you get in this habit, you will meet men that are interested in you, some that are single, and some that you think are attractive and might even like back.

 

Thank you so much. Thats exactly what I plan on doing. Being more open and chatting with anyone. I want to make more friends too..not just dating, so this will be good for both. My self esteem and interpersonal skills definitely need work. You're spot on. It's easier said than done, but I'm working on it.

[Cookiesandough]

I actually think OLD is just as hard as irl but in a different way. I'm attractive enough to get attention from men on a regular enough basis to have options on nights out. I'm not the hottest thing but I hold my own. Still, the trouble is finding a guy I can really relate to and have interests in common with - having options is really an illusion. I don't have a lot of single friends. With less social opportunities in a small town and through work (I work mainly with other women), meeting new people is difficult.

 

About a year ago, I dated a few guys from OLD who were good on paper. I was getting better at filtering them. It was just a case of me not being in the right mindset for something serious and not feeling that 'spark'. I also tried multi-dating and that really didn't work for me. At 27, I'm a little bit more together with life and I've sussed out what to look at for long-term potential. Basically, I'm sick of playing around with the bad boys and wasting my time. I'm more open-minded.

 

I'm now dating a guy from OLD. When we met, I just focused on him (no more multi-dating for me) although I continued messaging others without meeting up until I knew where things were going. We have just become official and have been dating for a month now. He has never had a serious relationship before. Usually that would scare me off but I'm giving this some real effort rather than analysing the thing to death (which I'm prone to do). He is not the rock star bad boy I would have gone weak at the knees for at the age of 18. However I feel good chemistry with him and there is no doubt in my mind that I'm attracted to him. I'm glad I gave it more dates to get to know him and not judge him too much on first impressions. OLD can encourage you to analyse too much. Personally I know everyone has their flaws so I take my pick of the flaws I prefer. I assume men think the same about me.

 

Aw I'm glad to hear you've found a nice guy. I hear ya. I not to be picky, try to be open minded, but every time I try that my mind wanders to 'is being a single spinster cat lady for the rest of my life SO bad that it's worth this? Nope. I actually love cats' and I call it off. I am flexible, but I have things are 100% non negotiable for me for me to be attracted long term

Edited April 2, 2017 by Cookiesandough

[curiouslysearching]

I don't t think that way. I like it when any man has the courage to approach me, whether I'm attracted to him or not. It takes guts to do that and to me, it shows character, which I feel many men lack nowadays.

 

You are exactly right CC.....I also do not think that it is appropriate for ABE

to characterize you or any other woman like that. It really is pretty simple

EVERYONE has a different view on dating, relationships, etc and it is critical that WE as a whole understand that and automatically think they are odd or weird for their views. Also, TREAT WOMEN with some dignity and respect as a whole...please

[curiouslysearching]

Aw I'm glad to hear you've found a nice guy. I hear ya. I not to be picky, try to be open minded, but every time I try that my mind wanders to 'is being a single spinster cat lady for the rest of my life SO bad that it's worth this? Nope. I actually love cats' and I call it off. I am flexible, but I have things are 100% non negotiable for me for me to be attracted long term

 

Cookie, DO NOT apologize for what you desire and/or need in a man.

You have zero to explain to anyone when it comes to matters of the

heart. So, just keep "plugging away" and see where the journey

carries you. I think everyone desires to be able to look into the horizon

and find the ultimate clarity....

[CptInsano]

Thank you so much. Thats exactly what I plan on doing. Being more open and chatting with anyone. I want to make more friends too..not just dating, so this will be good for both. My self esteem and interpersonal skills definitely need work. You're spot on. It's easier said than done, but I'm working on it.

 

Agreed, WFB's comments also sound like solid advice from my point of view.

 

Aw I'm glad to hear you've found a nice guy. I hear ya. I not to be picky, try to be open minded, but every time I try that my mind wanders to 'is being a single spinster cat lady for the rest of my life SO bad that it's worth this? Nope. I actually love cats' and I call it off. I am flexible, but I have things are 100% non negotiable for me for me to be attracted long term

 

That is perfectly fine, just don't expect the same thing to produce different results. You will have to change something if you want change.

[TheTraveler]

For the guys out there, I've met a ton of women at yoga studios. Become a regular, attend workshops, and you will meet a lot of women.

 

To the OP, find hobbies you're passionate about and/or willing to try something new. If you love volunteering to clean dog poop at the local animal shelter, so be it.

[Shanex]

This thread just prompted me to remember or at least try to how often I was involved in a relationships outside of OLD.

 

First girlfriend, when I was 18: She was a friend of one of my coworker and we quickly give each other the stare and I dated her for 4 months. That was in 2002 so well before social medias and at the wee years of OLD.

 

In the meantime quite a number of ONS, usually in the bars and clubs scene that I now try to avoid. Or just kisses but usually I don't recommend these places to a lady if she wants long-term, despite the occasional exception to the rule.

 

During a vacation! Now that's great and leaves you a great memory, the downside is that the lady in question maybe live hundred miles away and you may be stuck in a LDR. See: you find some handsome man in a speedo at the pool, overcome your shyness, make sure he's single (not an easy one) and good luck.

 

Libraries, subways, trains, greyhound (oh some good looking guy is seating next to me how lucky!) All of that can be places where people meet, and it's much nicer than meeting on dating sites. You have a story to tell your friends about the encounter.

 

Other than that, volunteering, activities and sports are cool places to meet too.

[Dis]

Hey Cookies

 

I just want to clarify something, the guys on OLD are the same guys you see out at the grocery store or at the bar (like the guy you met at a bar and later saw on OLD)

 

Assuming that the reasons why men use OLD are because they're socially awkward or douches or just looking for sex is a very short sided perspective

 

Meeting a guy IRL is a gamble just like meeting a guy on OLD is. Just because you meet him IRL doesnt mean he's your prince charming

 

A lot of guys use OLD for the same reasons why we do....

 

-We havent had luck meeting anyone IRL

-Our friends are all married/settled down and arent still in the game like us

-We're busy with school/work and dont have time to go the slower route

 

I've been on OLD on and off for about 1.5 years and I can personally attest to the douche bags that frequent OLD but that doesnt mean there arent good guys out there. I actually did meet one last summer. OLD just takes a lot of time, patience and good weeding skills

 

3 of my gfs met their husbands on OLD. It does work for some

 

Persitence, patient and a somewhat optimistic attitude are required for OLD. If you believe all the guys on OLD are douches...thats what you'll get. If you have hope that good guys are out there on pof, okcupid, match....then sooner or later....you'll find one

 

Keep your chin up girly. We're all in this together

[Ami1uwant]

My 2 cents on this......

 

Unsure how old the OP is...I am assuming mid 20s.

 

As you get into your mid/late 20s it generally becomes harder to date. People are starting their careers and likely dont have as much free time as when in college to hang out/socialize like they did then. Its also harder to find out who is "available to date".

 

This is beyond personal issues with shyness or attractiveness.

 

Online dating in the last 10 years have gotten harder. before only serious users were there, so you tended to find people. As online success happened more people were willing to try it but they werrent as serious and only used it to find the fantasy date that they may not get in real life.

 

With online dating there are social issues happening that are similar to shopping behavior where people can be lost becaue there are so many people out there that the grass is greener, Part of this is then shooting for the unrealistic fantasy catch. Thus going out of your league.

 

Online dating can work but you have to put the effort into it. Use it as a tool to meeet people and set up face to face dates. Yes you will have some that you dont have success with.

[Versacehottie]

I think I have quite a bit too offer and I don't think I'm trying to play out of my "league", although I may be a bit biased.

 

Thank you for the tip! I actually signed up for lots of volunteer opportunities recently(not to get men haha, but hey, 2 birds )

 

Well the two birds stuff IS actually helpful. If you do what you love to do and what to put your limited social time to, you should be more attractive to and meet like-minded guys. Invest yourself into your interests, especially ones that have both guys and girls. Increase your social circle and try new things, be open to new experiences. I think you need to be active, such as making a plan to have 2-3 events/activities a week where the potential exists to meet a guy or meet someone new who might lead you to your new bf. Also think about it, when you meet someone in such a setting or through friends/acquaintances you will worry less about how you come off when talking because you dial down the importance (not "looking for a new guy" but rather "discussing shared interests/people/situations) of making that initial conversation.

 

Also the desperation coming off girls who are solely on the lookout for a new boyfriend usually tends to drive guys away. Whereas when you are interested about whatever you are taking part in when you meet him, you are automatically more attractive. Definitely be proactive, and keep tweaking it to get the right mix of where you will meet people that will lead you to him. It works. Promise. But you can't sit back on your heels and you need to push yourself to not be too shy or reluctant. Open is the key. Good luck

[basil67]

I have a tip: Learn to be attracted to his mind and then let the physical attraction follow. You've mentioned previously that you're extremely fussy about his appearance, so your odds of finding the right guys are extremely low.

 

You talk about not playing 'out of your league'. But if only one in 500 guys is attractive enough for you, are you really a one in 500 woman? And I'm including dating skills and personality here, not just your looks.

[Versacehottie]

You're defeating yourself with this kind of negative self-talk before you even get started! It's not that you're feeling/thinking these thoughts, they can be natural, it's what you're (not) doing as a result of them.

 

Flirting, making small talk, etc, are learned skills and the way you get better at them is to practice. The more you do them, the easier they will get. Not saying it will ever necessarily be easy, but it will get easier.

 

My suggestion is the same as I make to the guys here: Just start trying to talk with everyone when you're out and about where it might be natural do to so. You know like in line at the store, waiting for coffee, wherever. And by everyone I mean everyone; men, women, old, young, attractive or not. Just chat with them a bit and then be on your way. You're not trying to start a relationship with them, you're just practicing your interpersonal skills and making yourself available.

 

If you get in this habit, you will meet men that are interested in you, some that are single, and some that you think are attractive and might even like back.

 

Agreed. I forgot to say that in my post. You need to change your mindset. Instead of absolutes ("it never" "it always" "I can't"), try to at least be OPEN to the possibilities--that's how you practice and increase your confidence ("sometimes", "maybe this time" "i might be able to" "let's see"). You need practice and you won't give yourself the best chance with a negative mindset. Just try to get it to neutral or even positive, if you can do that. One of the best ways (as it relates to relationships) is to just go to a crowded place and look at the couples. You will see a variety of scenarios. With a neutral mindset, most important, this evidence will convince you that you can be successful in a relationship too. In a negative mindset you might tell yourself "see everyone else can find someone, what is wrong with me". So make a real effort to do this with a neutral or positive mindset about WHAT COULD BE for you.

 

Also you can ask couples that you are friends with or acquaintances with how they met and you will get stories aka evidence of ways it could happen for you. Also you will typically see that the road to a good/happy relationship sometimes isn't straight or literal (like believing some guy will ask you for your number when you are not giving him much conversation or flirting--you need to do your part). I just met a couple last night (friends of friends) that told me the story of how they met--they are newlyweds. It was a great story and there was no real reason on the first several occasions that they met to think they would end up married. NO reason. Other than mutual attraction, which couldn't be acted upon at all. The road isn't always straight. BTW, they met through mutual friends and repeatedly bumped into each other over a period of years. They are one of the cutest couples I have ever met. Deeply happy, very in sync.

[thecrucible]

Aw I'm glad to hear you've found a nice guy. I hear ya. I not to be picky, try to be open minded, but every time I try that my mind wanders to 'is being a single spinster cat lady for the rest of my life SO bad that it's worth this? Nope. I actually love cats' and I call it off. I am flexible, but I have things are 100% non negotiable for me for me to be attracted long term

 

Oh I completely agree with you on that . I'm the same. I think I've just altered my non-negotiable terms because on balance I've figured out what I need; and needs are more important than wants for me now. I like what Basil67 said about learning to be attracted to a man's mind. I've had enough heartbreak and I've wasted enough time with the wrong men that a switch has flipped in my head. I'd rather not feel super intense butterflies and be on edge all the time. I'll try with a guy I hope to develop deep feelings for who I feel more comfortable with. For me every new relationship is a little scary and daunting - the dating stage seems like the easy part by comparison!

[OatsAndHall]

Hey Cookies

 

I just want to clarify something, the guys on OLD are the same guys you see out at the grocery store or at the bar (like the guy you met at a bar and later saw on OLD)

 

Assuming that the reasons why men use OLD are because they're socially awkward or douches or just looking for sex is a very short sided perspective

 

Meeting a guy IRL is a gamble just like meeting a guy on OLD is. Just because you meet him IRL doesnt mean he's your prince charming

 

A lot of guys use OLD for the same reasons why we do....

 

-We havent had luck meeting anyone IRL

-Our friends are all married/settled down and arent still in the game like us

-We're busy with school/work and dont have time to go the slower route

 

I've been on OLD on and off for about 1.5 years and I can personally attest to the douche bags that frequent OLD but that doesnt mean there arent good guys out there. I actually did meet one last summer. OLD just takes a lot of time, patience and good weeding skills

 

3 of my gfs met their husbands on OLD. It does work for some

 

Persitence, patient and a somewhat optimistic attitude are required for OLD. If you believe all the guys on OLD are douches...thats what you'll get. If you have hope that good guys are out there on pof, okcupid, match....then sooner or later....you'll find one

 

Keep your chin up girly. We're all in this together

 

I think the problem with OLD is that it adds a few steps that were initially designed for convenience but it had made dating harder in many cases. Tale of two experiences:

 

1. I sent out dozens of polite messages to women. That took a ton of time and effort, especially because I was careful in who I messaged. I got maybe ten responses and had a few conversations going on at once. Some conversations became weird and uncomfortable. For example, I complimented a woman on her funny profile and she said she needed to stop messing around with it when she was "p-ss drunk". I was ghosted by a few woman after a short conversation for whatever reason. That left three dates and two were bad. One date went well and we hung out a few more times but I called it off as her social life revolves around the bars and mine doesn't. To be blunt, I wouldn't have messaged her if I had realized how much time she spent drinking. I'm not judging her but that's not how I live my life.

 

2. I walked up to a female referee after a basketball game I had been coaching in. I struck up a conversation, got a laugh out of her and then I asked her out. We went out a twice and had a good time together. But, it became clear that I'm not the kind of guy she's looking for (I'm a math teacher, she wants a cowboy/rancher..) so we parted ways amicably. She wants to start up a ranch and I know nothing about that so it was a simple call. No muss, no fuss. I run into her here and there and everything is kosher.

 

Situation #1 involved hours of messaging, awkward conversations, two bad dates and another that didn't go anywhere because her profile said "occasional drinker" while, in reality, she was at the bars two-three nights per week.

 

Situation #2 involved twenty minutes of conversation, a few fun dates and and a simple split when we realized we were looking for different people in life.

 

Neither situation resulted in a long term relationship but the second one was much simpler.

[Dis]

I think the problem with OLD is that it adds a few steps that were initially designed for convenience but it had made dating harder in many cases. Tale of two experiences:

 

1. I sent out dozens of polite messages to women. That took a ton of time and effort, especially because I was careful in who I messaged. I got maybe ten responses and had a few conversations going on at once. Some conversations became weird and uncomfortable. For example, I complimented a woman on her funny profile and she said she needed to stop messing around with it when she was "p-ss drunk". I was ghosted by a few woman after a short conversation for whatever reason. That left three dates and two were bad. One date went well and we hung out a few more times but I called it off as her social life revolves around the bars and mine doesn't. To be blunt, I wouldn't have messaged her if I had realized how much time she spent drinking. I'm not judging her but that's not how I live my life.

 

2. I walked up to a female referee after a basketball game I had been coaching in. I struck up a conversation, got a laugh out of her and then I asked her out. We went out a twice and had a good time together. But, it became clear that I'm not the kind of guy she's looking for (I'm a math teacher, she wants a cowboy/rancher..) so we parted ways amicably. She wants to start up a ranch and I know nothing about that so it was a simple call. No muss, no fuss. I run into her here and there and everything is kosher.

 

Situation #1 involved hours of messaging, awkward conversations, two bad dates and another that didn't go anywhere because her profile said "occasional drinker" while, in reality, she was at the bars two-three nights per week.

 

Situation #2 involved twenty minutes of conversation, a few fun dates and and a simple split when we realized we were looking for different people in life.

 

Neither situation resulted in a long term relationship but the second one was much simpler.

 

I totally agree and I'm not minimizing the extra hassles of OLD

 

But there are some pros too...like communicating with singles who you wouldnt normally run into

 

OLD is a hassle but it works for some

[Shining One]

I think the problem with OLD is that it adds a few steps that were initially designed for convenience but it had made dating harder in many cases. Tale of two experiences:

 

1. I sent out dozens of polite messages to women. That took a ton of time and effort, especially because I was careful in who I messaged. I got maybe ten responses and had a few conversations going on at once. Some conversations became weird and uncomfortable. For example, I complimented a woman on her funny profile and she said she needed to stop messing around with it when she was "p-ss drunk". I was ghosted by a few woman after a short conversation for whatever reason. That left three dates and two were bad. One date went well and we hung out a few more times but I called it off as her social life revolves around the bars and mine doesn't. To be blunt, I wouldn't have messaged her if I had realized how much time she spent drinking. I'm not judging her but that's not how I live my life.

 

2. I walked up to a female referee after a basketball game I had been coaching in. I struck up a conversation, got a laugh out of her and then I asked her out. We went out a twice and had a good time together. But, it became clear that I'm not the kind of guy she's looking for (I'm a math teacher, she wants a cowboy/rancher..) so we parted ways amicably. She wants to start up a ranch and I know nothing about that so it was a simple call. No muss, no fuss. I run into her here and there and everything is kosher.

 

Situation #1 involved hours of messaging, awkward conversations, two bad dates and another that didn't go anywhere because her profile said "occasional drinker" while, in reality, she was at the bars two-three nights per week.

 

Situation #2 involved twenty minutes of conversation, a few fun dates and and a simple split when we realized we were looking for different people in life.

 

Neither situation resulted in a long term relationship but the second one was much simpler.

These events are completely situational. Sometimes OLD makes it harder and sometimes it makes it easier. Here's my example:

 

 

1. I went to a piano bar and struck up a conversation with a woman. We talked, had some drinks and appetizers, and danced. At the end of the night, I asked for her number, but she told me she doesn't date Indian men.

 

 

2. I looked at a woman's profile on OLD. I scrolled down to the "What she's looking for" section. She indicated that she only dates men of ethnicities that don't include mine. I moved on to the next profile.

 

 

Situation #1 involved an hour of conversation and $40+ worth of food and drinks.

 

 

Situation #2 involved less than 20 seconds of looking at a computer screen.

 

 

Neither situation resulted in a long term relationship, but the second one was much simpler.

[OatsAndHall]

These events are completely situational. Sometimes OLD makes it harder and sometimes it makes it easier. Here's my example:

 

 

1. I went to a piano bar and struck up a conversation with a woman. We talked, had some drinks and appetizers, and danced. At the end of the night, I asked for her number, but she told me she doesn't date Indian men.

 

 

2. I looked at a woman's profile on OLD. I scrolled down to the "What she's looking for" section. She indicated that she only dates men of ethnicities that don't include mine. I moved on to the next profile.

 

 

Situation #1 involved an hour of conversation and $40+ worth of food and drinks.

 

 

Situation #2 involved less than 20 seconds of looking at a computer screen.

 

 

Neither situation resulted in a long term relationship, but the second one was much simpler.

 

Your situation doesn't involve vetting and sending out messages to try and get a date via OLD. And, what you describe is just another step: scrolling through profiles and weeding out the quality ones from the "Are U The 1?" messes.

 

Unfortunately, you had a bad situation with a woman that took advantage of your kindness and generosity. This is just one of the many reasons why I avoided picking up women at bars when I was single. It's too easy to waste money. I would buy a woman two drinks (max), chat with them for a little bit and then I ask them for their phone number if things were going well. I cut to the chase pretty quickly; ask them out after about an hour of conversation.

[JuneJulySeptember]

Hi. I need some advice. I want to meet attractive, single men "IRL". I've pretty much had it with online dating. There is no one for me on there. No one catches my interest. I'm pretty much convinced at this point if they could, they wouldn't be on there. I knew that when I joined again. Not only that, I want to meet someone in a more 'organic' way to build a relationship. I want a person who is open to it, but not seeking it.

 

 

I'm convinced the only guys I will want to date will be met irl. I just get so nervous talking to men in real life. Also, sadly,, I have a feeling that most quality, attractive guys are taken. They probably have a circle already where they know women if by chance they become single. I don't think attractive and not-socially-awkward men turn to online dating...ever.

 

I am hoping to open myself to meeting more single men like this irl. Does anyone have any tips for me besides be more attractive? I am willing to talk first but I don't want to be awkward. I also don't wanna talk to men who have wives or gfs. I'm very nervous. What are some good ways to attract men for dating IRL.

 

I met my last bf at school, but I'm out now. I do MOT want to date anyone in my field. My social circle is small, but I have quite a few acquaintances. I don't think I'd be comfortable asking them to hook me up with guys. I'm very bad at flirting. I don't even know where to go?

 

 

Thanks for any advice!

 

If you're looking for high quality, highly socially skilled men, then you could probably stand to improve your grammar and writing eloquence a little bit.

 

I haven't read too many of your posts, but if you're serious, it seems to be constructive criticism to me...

[CryForNoOne]

In college, I had an extremely overweight buddy that seemed to hook up with women all the time. I was feeling sorry for myself after a long term relationship ended. He took me out one night and we hit up half of the bars in town. He told me to to hit up as many women as I could, he'd do the same and we'd compare how many phone numbers we got. He told me not to use cheesy pick up lines; just ask them if I could buy them a drink. I told him that I wasn't comfortable doing so but he appealed to my caveman side by turning it into a competition. (Yeah, yeah, shallow, I know. We were both 21 years old, don't judge me too harshly).

 

Half way through the night, I had about five numbers and he had nearly twice as many. I got discouraged when a woman flat told me to ---- off after I simply told her that I'd like to buy her a drink and that I'd be over in ____ booth if she wanted. I was complaining about it to me and he said something I'll never forget:

 

"Dude, it's her loss! You weren't rude, you weren't using some stupid pick up line: you just asked if she wanted a drink. You were being a nice guy and she was being a b-tch! Stop whining and get back on the horse!"

 

I took that to heart and remembered that conversation every time I asked a woman out from there on out. Do I truly believe that it's "their loss" if they're not into me? No. But, that one line gave me more self-confidence when I approach women. That self-confidence snowballed and I became less awkward with women, stopped caring about rejection and got a ton of dates and a few quality relationships.

 

Totally agree! I used to sit there literally for hours either online or IRL trying to think of the perfect thing to say and watched opportunity after opportunity slip by. Here's the thing about pickup lines... most of them are terrible. 90% is in the delivery anyway and if you aren't a GREAT story teller, forget it. I learned in my 30's that it was 1000x simpler than I was making it out to be. Picking up women at a bar is really simple. Never approach them directly, just walk up next to them to order a drink, and look for any angle to make small talk. If the Beatles are playing in the background, ask them what their favorite Beatles song is. If you see them react to something, comment on it. Women are dying for a man to say something, anything so they don't have to break the ice. As long as you don't come off as a complete creep i.e. poorly delivered pickup line, awkward approach, they'll give you the time of day. In seconds, you'll either hit it off or not. Yes, 10% are total b!tch3s, but 80% are normal, and 10% are awesome. It's a numbers game that you can't win at if you spend all your time looking for the perfect score...

[OatsAndHall]

Totally agree! I used to sit there literally for hours either online or IRL trying to think of the perfect thing to say and watched opportunity after opportunity slip by. Here's the thing about pickup lines... most of them are terrible. 90% is in the delivery anyway and if you aren't a GREAT story teller, forget it. I learned in my 30's that it was 1000x simpler than I was making it out to be. Picking up women at a bar is really simple. Never approach them directly, just walk up next to them to order a drink, and look for any angle to make small talk. If the Beatles are playing in the background, ask them what their favorite Beatles song is. If you see them react to something, comment on it. Women are dying for a man to say something, anything so they don't have to break the ice. As long as you don't come off as a complete creep i.e. poorly delivered pickup line, awkward approach, they'll give you the time of day. In seconds, you'll either hit it off or not. Yes, 10% are total b!tch3s, but 80% are normal, and 10% are awesome. It's a numbers game that you can't win at if you spend all your time looking for the perfect score...

 

Eh... I was far more bold when I was looking for dates at a bar. I rarely even tried to make small talk. My hook was offering to buy them a drink and then I'd chat with them if they accepted.

 

I hate to admit this but, it's the internet so the hell with it.. I used to do what I called "swimming in the wake" while I was in college. There was a mutual acquaintance that used to join us when we went out. He was a total tool when it came to women: arrogant and flat out rude. But, he was also a male model and got a ton of attention from women.. They'd flock to him at the bars, even when he was being a complete a--.

 

I used to avoid going out with him but he was attached to one of my buddies' hips so I got stuck with him a lot. One time, he was incredibly rude to a woman and I sincerely apologized to her for his behavior and got a date out of it. So, after that, I'd walk up to a woman that this guy had treated like crap, apologize for him (yes, I meant it..) and sometimes they'd chat with me.

 

His rudeness proved to be an incredible ice-breaker for me.

Edited April 3, 2017 by OatsAndHall