Boyfriend and ex...am I just crazy jealous?

[Beccamallory]

I can see why it would bother you.

 

You're afraid that:

1. They might hook up since they have a history.

2. He will like the feeling of having his family back together and will start wondering what could have been.

 

Is that it?

 

If either of those things happen, he isn't the guy for you.

 

This and the fact that I'll never even know. Which makes me feel ridiculous because he's done nothing to show he's felt any type of way for her but a friend/aquantence.

[olivetree]

This and the fact that I'll never even know. Which makes me feel ridiculous because he's done nothing to show he's felt any type of way for her but a friend/aquantence.

 

I get that fear of not knowing.

But trust me, if something happens, he won't need to tell you for you to know.

 

Unless he is a sociopath, his behaviour upon returning will tell you if something happened.

[stillafool]

If it bothers you that much accept the invitation and go along. It might be fun.

[TunaInTheBrine]

I've been with my boyfriend for 5 years and he has kids with his ex. They've been Broken up for about 10 years and neither of them have ever disrespected me. Well this weekend they are going away for a sporting event with their kid and I can't go because of work. This is the longest they will ever be together since I've started dating my boyfriend. (She's always had a bf or I've always been around). Well they're driving up together a 10 hour drive and for some reason it's just killing me with jealousy. Theyre staying in seperate rooms but I still don't know how to not think of the worst. Please help!

 

Your feeling are normal given the circumstances and the situation. Five years without any issues of interference from the ex seem like a good sign.

[Beccamallory]

If it bothers you that much accept the invitation and go along. It might be fun.

 

I couldn't take off work or I would be there.

[Telemachus]

You originally posted that they have kids (plural) together, and that they're going with their kid (singular). What's happening with their other one or more children? They have to have at least two to have "kids".

 

You wrote that you keep thinking the worst. I read all of the comments, including your replies and additional comments in this thread. Honestly, if your concern is about your guy and his ex having sex, you're far from thinking about the worst that could happen. I mean this sincerely, if you need to start thinking of something worse to keep your mind off of them having sex, then actually do think a out the worst - something like a firey crash and all three of them having to be identified from dental records, or their abduction torture and execution.

 

There are far worse things than two people having sexual contact. Go all the way in the direction of irrational fears, and worry about extraterrestrial abduction, with experimentation and impregnation, of course. That, and arranging to get copies of his dental records, should take your mind off an innocent adjoining hotel room.

[Beccamallory]

I've been with my boyfriend for 5 years and he has kids with his ex. They've been Broken up for about 10 years and neither of them have ever disrespected me. Well this weekend they are going away for a sporting event with their kid and I can't go because of work. This is the longest they will ever be together since I've started dating my boyfriend. (She's always had a bf or I've always been around). Well they're driving up together a 10 hour drive and for some reason it's just killing me with jealousy. Theyre staying in seperate rooms but I still don't know how to not think of the worst. Please help!

 

Update; so they drive through the night and cant check into their hotel until later this afternoon so they had to get another hotel for the few hours so they could sleep a little. He says they got one room and he slept with his son and she slept with their daughter. I'm trying to be understanding here. Thoughts?

[WaitingForBardot]

Update; so they drive through the night and cant check into their hotel until later this afternoon so they had to get another hotel for the few hours so they could sleep a little. He says they got one room and he slept with his son and she slept with their daughter. I'm trying to be understanding here. Thoughts?

My thought is that he doesn't need to tell you any of this. It would appear he's trying to be transparent about his actions.

[kendahke]

Update; so they drive through the night and cant check into their hotel until later this afternoon so they had to get another hotel for the few hours so they could sleep a little. He says they got one room and he slept with his son and she slept with their daughter. I'm trying to be understanding here. Thoughts?

 

Decide what is more important: being right or being in a relationship with him... because this will be part of the package of being with him until his children are grow and flown.

[Jiveballer]

So the four of them were in a double occupancy hotel room for a few hours, he was transparent about it, and you are worried that the ex's snuck off and shagged in the bathroom while the kids slept? Hey, it's possible. But what seems obvious about this to me is that the biggest problem you have is an inability to trust - almost as if you don't think you would behave yourself in a similar situation. When you entered a relationship with somebody else's coparent, you had to realize there would be days like this. Unless there is some concrete reason to believe there are shenanigans afoot, maybe try looking at the situation from a best case scenario instead of worst case.

[act00]

Update; so they drive through the night and cant check into their hotel until later this afternoon so they had to get another hotel for the few hours so they could sleep a little. He says they got one room and he slept with his son and she slept with their daughter. I'm trying to be understanding here. Thoughts?

 

He's being fully transparent with you, and this speaks volumes. He knows your struggle, and he's plopping everything out there on the table. He certainly didn't need to share this tidbit with you. If you found out later they shared a room, how angry and betrayed would you feel? It seems to me, he's really trying to assuage your fears. I get how you're feeling. I know I would be mad with jealousy and paranoia too, but as an outsider, FIVE years, and he's being so open about everything! He really seems (they both seem) sensitive to the situation and trustworthy.

[Beccamallory]

I know and I get it too but this paranoia just gets the best of me. The whole 5 years we've been together I've never once been in this situation so please bare with me that it is hard. I'm trying. I don't even know how often is normal to call or text him because I don't want to seem annoying. What should I do if I don't hear from him all day?

[Beccamallory]

Ps it's also been 7 hours since I've heard from him so I caved and texted him telling him I was thinking of him and how his day was going. No reply yet.

[kendahke]

Ps it's also been 7 hours since I've heard from him so I caved and texted him telling him I was thinking of him and how his day was going. No reply yet.

 

Please stop acting like your relationship is over and he's getting back with an ex who doesn't want him.

 

Your insecurity is going to make you say something that will put the wrong thing on his mind to think about the whole way home.

 

Surely after 5 years and absolutely no problems in your relationship which matches the level of paranoia you've got going on here, you can muster up the self discipline to let him and his family have this event without you. 72 hours out of your eyesight out of 5 years together? C'mon--it's time to pull up your big girl pants and quit doing this to yourself.

[Beccamallory]

Please stop acting like your relationship is over and he's getting back with an ex who doesn't want him.

 

Your insecurity is going to make you say something that will put the wrong thing on his mind to think about the whole way home.

 

Surely after 5 years and absolutely no problems in your relationship which matches the level of paranoia you've got going on here, you can muster up the self discipline to let him and his family have this event without you. 72 hours out of your eyesight out of 5 years together? C'mon--it's time to pull up your big girl pants and quit doing this to yourself.

 

I get this and I've been trying to which is why I'm not overly texting or calling. Getting rid of this paranoia is just so much easier said than done.

[Timshel]

Hi Becca, I am wondering about you two being together five yrs. and whether or not there has been any talk of marriage and starting a family of your own?

Is it possible that your insecurity is coming from a lack of permanence in your relationship? Or I'm off base and everything is copacetic except this trip together?

[curiouslysearching]

jealous thoughts are going to be normal, but from what you have posted absolutely nothing is going to happen......this is all about the kids, not them. I think it's great that they have been civil with each other for this many years and are able to do things to this length with the kids. I suggest you be more positive and trusting towards your BF.

 

The above post has a great deal of WISDOM IN IT. I also think it is terrific

that the two EX's can be civil and realize what is best for their offspring.

So many EX's are just the opposite and the kids are caught in the "crossfire"

which is sad. You cannot blame the guy for wanting to support his child.

If you aren't careful you might end up looking like the "bad guy" in this.

[Beccamallory]

And I definitely do not want to look like a bad guy. I guess all in all I needed to hear it from others that I'm just being paranoid and that it's not weird if they share a hotel room if there's no feelings. No matter how inappropriate I think it sounds.

[act00]

And I definitely do not want to look like a bad guy. I guess all in all I needed to hear it from others that I'm just being paranoid and that it's not weird if they share a hotel room if there's no feelings. No matter how inappropriate I think it sounds.

 

I agree with you on what you're feeling. I would not be pleased to find they shared a hotel room, and the long weekend trip would be very hard for me. I just want to say, I get it. I understand your feelings here.

 

BUT...

 

As an outsider, who is not emotionally involved, and based on information provided, I don't see any indication that you have anything to worry about. I mean, unless there has been sketchy behavior in the past, you really don't have to worry.

 

I had an interesting conversation with someone. We were talking about his kids' school activities. There was something going on where there was some out-of-state competition. His ex-wife suggested they all travel together, and he was thinking - nope. We can be together for an hour, maybe two for these events, but FIVE hours in captivity, in a car?? No. They ultimately did travel together. We didn't get into too much detail there, but my point is, he and his ex-wife have a good working relationship around the kids, but there is no way on God's green earth they will EVER be together again. HE absolutely does not want to walk that path again. I thought of you and this post when we were talking about this, and I hope it might help you feel better, and a little less insecure.

[Timshel]

And I definitely do not want to look like a bad guy. I guess all in all I needed to hear it from others that I'm just being paranoid and that it's not weird if they share a hotel room if there's no feelings. No matter how inappropriate I think it sounds.

 

Ok. You did not answer my question but if the story you are sticking to is that you are feeling insecure after 5 yrs. over a weekend trip...

 

My exH and I get along very well and our first priority in our communications are the kids. We also care that each other are doing well and extended family are also fine. If he, as the father of my kids is unhappy or stressed then this will trickle down to the kids and vice versa. We are friends.

 

This said, Becca, my current SO of almost two yrs. has never and would never worry about time spent with my ex for the children. He knows my character and is secure in our relationship. There is no doubt in my mind that if a similar situation would occur for us, not a second would he wonder about my fidelity.

 

When your bf comes home it may be good to talk about the fear you had about this trip with his exW. While it is somewhat 'normal' for overnights with an ex to be nerve wracking...after five yrs. together and lots of time with all parties in the same room you are still stressed, this should be addressed.

[Beccamallory]

I'm sorry. We have talked about marriage and we know we want to get married and I'm indecisive about having my own kids right now and he's fine with that. I do want to have a talk but I don't want to scare him.

[Timshel]

So, lot's of angst for fear of losing a dude? Five years Becca, five years.

 

I screen quickly by letting it fly early on, haha. Sweetie, you have nothing to lose by being honest. Don't bury yourself and have an agenda (secret hope) that things will be as you want.

 

Ok, he will be home soon and time to discuss. Face your fear, stand up for yourself, be honest.

 

There isn't anything wrong with divorced parents being present equally for their children. If you are feeling insecure about their relationship after all this time/time to put this out on the table.

 

You have invested a great deal of time with this dude and you shouldn't be worried where you stand.

[Beccamallory]

Well I have always thought it was weird that they got along so well, for the kids obviously. An example of them sharing a hotel room he will say something like he doesn't even think of it being weird or uncomfortable because there's nothing there with them. I trust him so much which makes me feel so ****ty that the back of my mind still thinks I could lose him to her.

[act00]

It was merely circumstance. I'm guessing BF did find it awkward, but he's really downplaying it to try to alleviate your anxiety over it. Let's keep in mind, they did book separate rooms for the rest of the trip, and couldn't get their rooms early (maybe could have planned better). We're talking about a lot of money with travel, food, and hotel for four people, plus the cost of the activity itself, and to save a few pennies, and for the sake of everyone getting some shut-eye, it was a reasonable solution. If there was this big event happening, rooms may have been scarce all the way around, and they were lucky to find a room at all, and a room with two beds.

 

It is not ideal, and I can tell you, I would not be pleased to have to share that much space and time with the ex, but I would just roll with it when there are no other alternatives.

[Beccamallory]

I get it. This whole weekend has just been so hard on myself. The ex just posted on social media that the event is over and I haven't heard from my bf about the coming home plans or anything. So I waited a half hour and texted him asking how it was going and he has yet to reply. Should I not have texted him and just waited to hear from him? I hate that because we're never apart like this I've lost how often or how much to even text the guy. I don't want to annoy him and I have been doing good. We haven't communicated since this morning so I hope this text was appropriate. I just want to hear from him.