I'm getting skeptical

[coolheadal]

Yeah I basically said that to her tonight. Added her on FB (in case she wants to rekindle, since I deleted her number for the time being) told her no to being friends and yeah i've moved on. I'm already talking to another. It was just a very confusing situation to be in. I've never tried to be friends with someone after online dating

 

 

I walk out if they pull that nonsense command let's be friends. I have no time for that silliness! On Halloween I had a woman that was head over heals for me I even cooked her a full coarse dinner and brought it over her condo. She had two sons and one roomate. The one son ate with us. When we had started to watch a movie she told me she felt she could only be my friend and nothing else. She wasn't feeling it. I had packed up my things and told her you can be friends with yourself. I have not time for just being friends with you. You lied about everything. I found out she was still not over her ex husband. I also found out she was nutty as fruit cake. We never had spoken again. I had blocked her from Facebook, dating site, my cell phone etc.. I told her also if I run into you again I would walk the other way. I mean business. Your doing the right think. I wouldn't give her a back door into your life though.

[jgraham11]

I walk out if they pull that nonsense command let's be friends. I have no time for that silliness! On Halloween I had a woman that was head over heals for me I even cooked her a full coarse dinner and brought it over her condo. She had two sons and one roomate. The one son ate with us. When we had started to watch a movie she told me she felt she could only be my friend and nothing else. She wasn't feeling it. I had packed up my things and told her you can be friends with yourself. I have not time for just being friends with you. You lied about everything. I found out she was still not over her ex husband. I also found out she was nutty as fruit cake. We never had spoken again. I had blocked her from Facebook, dating site, my cell phone etc.. I told her also if I run into you again I would walk the other way. I mean business. Your doing the right think. I wouldn't give her a back door into your life though.

 

 

I mean I try not to completely burn bridges, plus I'm still really attracted to her so there's that. I felt like MAYBE if we gave it one more date it might have been okay. Truth is I was only going to go one more date before pulling the plug if it hadn't taken a bit of a different turn. I could see the writing on the wall and feel it. There was a compatability issue, but time MAY have been able to help that. Never say never with me though that's why I figured i'd add her

 

It's just frustrating cause online dating is a numbers game I know, but i'm old fashioned (even though i'm 24) and only like to date 1 girl at a time. So now it's back to square 1

[coolheadal]

I mean I try not to completely burn bridges, plus I'm still really attracted to her so there's that. I felt like MAYBE if we gave it one more date it might have been okay. Truth is I was only going to go one more date before pulling the plug if it hadn't taken a bit of a different turn. I could see the writing on the wall and feel it. There was a compatability issue, but time MAY have been able to help that. Never say never with me though that's why I figured i'd add her

 

It's just frustrating cause online dating is a numbers game I know, but i'm old fashioned (even though i'm 24) and only like to date 1 girl at a time. So now it's back to square 1

 

You sound like a friend of mine he's 24 also. It's shame we both think the same way but online dating has worked for me. I've tried it the other way too. But in the end we're all strangers, for me online dating works better because just talking with them first on the phone for a few others (the woman I was referring too had talked non-stop with me on the phone I couldn't get a word in for 13 hrs we had spoken before we had our first and last date. Dinner at her house I did all the cooking and then to a Halloween Party, but she did a dumb thing, she could have had me take her out on Halloween date but she said "we can only be friends" I told her forget the date and Halloween Party.. She was hot and sexy for me I know what I like she was dressed up as cat that day she even had a tail. Anyway that's over with. You are still hung-up on this girl but you are being placed in the dreaded friend-zone. Trust me you do not want to go there. No man who has dated should never be placed in that zone. You want more than friends and they just want you as a friend. I am glad you date only one woman at time. I do that now but prior I had more. When this woman did that I called up another one and went drove and went out with the other women instead. Good to have a backup plan that can work. I never did get to go out to party but we ended up at another friends house for mini party.

[jgraham11]

You sound like a friend of mine he's 24 also. It's shame we both think the same way but online dating has worked for me. I've tried it the other way too. But in the end we're all strangers, for me online dating works better because just talking with them first on the phone for a few others (the woman I was referring too had talked non-stop with me on the phone I couldn't get a word in for 13 hrs we had spoken before we had our first and last date. Dinner at her house I did all the cooking and then to a Halloween Party, but she did a dumb thing, she could have had me take her out on Halloween date but she said "we can only be friends" I told her forget the date and Halloween Party.. She was hot and sexy for me I know what I like she was dressed up as cat that day she even had a tail. Anyway that's over with. You are still hung-up on this girl but you are being placed in the dreaded friend-zone. Trust me you do not want to go there. No man who has dated should never be placed in that zone. You want more than friends and they just want you as a friend. I am glad you date only one woman at time. I do that now but prior I had more. When this woman did that I called up another one and went drove and went out with the other women instead. Good to have a backup plan that can work. I never did get to go out to party but we ended up at another friends house for mini party.

 

You're probably one of the first people who has ever said that's a good thing (dating one girl at a time)

 

I usually get castrated for that by either men saying "Wow, dude you're an idiot. Numbers game! Numbers game! Numbers game!"

 

Or by woman saying "What are you some chauvinist"

 

It's like nope, I just can't deal with more than one woman at a time haha!

[Popsicle]

Delete her number. I thought you said you were going to do that?

[Cookiesandough]

I mean I'm not trying to beat a dead horse here but how many times does she have to say she wants to be friends before she means it? It's not even a case of me not believing that anymore, now I do

 

The focus of my question instantly changed the minute after I texted her, which was also after this post unfortunately. I mean she clearly wanted to make an effort (she doesn't have many friends, international student in the city) so that could explain it. At the end of the day she said she didn't feel "right about it" or saw "problems down the line". Am I wrong to look into that as a personality/compatibility issue?

 

 

 

I have wanted to be friends with guys I had no interest in dating many times because they were cool dudes. It's totally conceivable. No one has any idea why she was not interested, why are you so concerned as to whether it was a personality/compatibility issue or she just wasn't attracted? At the end of the day, you guys just weren't a match.

[jgraham11]

Delete her number. I thought you said you were going to do that?

 

I did.. but then I added her on FB just to have a bridge there

 

And yeah I know that was stupid... haha

[Cookiesandough]

I mean I try not to completely burn bridges, plus I'm still really attracted to her so there's that. I felt like MAYBE if we gave it one more date it might have been okay. Truth is I was only going to go one more date before pulling the plug if it hadn't taken a bit of a different turn. I could see the writing on the wall and feel it. There was a compatability issue, but time MAY have been able to help that. Never say never with me though that's why I figured i'd add her

 

It's just frustrating cause online dating is a numbers game I know, but i'm old fashioned (even though i'm 24) and only like to date 1 girl at a time. So now it's back to square 1

 

I would put good money on time not helping this. Please don't waste time with her, spend it on finding someone equally attracted. I get it being hard with the "what ifs" but no. If she was interested she'd be dating you, she would be seeing if the compatibility would change, not offering to be your friend because it "just wouldn't work out"I hate to say it, but it sounds like it's an attraction thing. Every time I've friendzone a guy, one who was quite handsome, , it was because I was not attracted to him. He wasn't what I was looking for in a BF. I usually blamed it something vague like a compatibility issue

[jgraham11]

I have wanted to be friends with guys I had no interest in dating many times because they were cool dudes. It's totally conceivable. No one has any idea why she was not interested, why are you so concerned as to whether it was a personality/compatibility issue or she just wasn't attracted? At the end of the day, you guys just weren't a match.

 

I don't know. I guess it comes down to me being a little vain and just wanting to know. We hooked up a few times and went on 4 dates. She also met me online where you have a hard time getting to know a real person, so you almost have nothing to go on outside of looks

 

I guess ultimately I can accept if i'm not compatible with someone better easier. It's an ego thing at the end of the day for me, who likes getting turned down for looks after all?

[jgraham11]

I would put good money on time not helping this. Please don't waste time with her, spend it on finding someone equally attracted. I get it being hard with the "what ifs" but no. If she was interested she'd be dating you, she would be seeing if the compatibility would change, not offering to be your friend because it "just wouldn't work out"I hate to say it, but it sounds like it's an attraction thing. Every time I've friendzone a guy, one who was quite handsome, , it was because I was not attracted to him. He wasn't what I was looking for in a BF. I usually blamed it something vague like a compatibility issue

 

 

So what made you go on the date in the first place? I'm assuming it's online dating?

 

Meaning you had to be attracted at first cause I can't get a feel for someones personality without meeting them. So like my last post said to me IMO you don't have much to go on with online dating outside of appearance. Once you meet the person then you get to really know them outside of looks. I'm not trying to sound like a douche, it's just I can't get a feel for someone through a computer or phone

[Cookiesandough]

I don't know. I guess it comes down to me being a little vain and just wanting to know. We hooked up a few times and went on 4 dates. She also met me online where you have a hard time getting to know a real person, so you almost have nothing to go on outside of looks

 

I guess ultimately I can accept if i'm not compatible with someone better easier. It's an ego thing at the end of the day for me, who likes getting turned down for looks after all?

 

I totally get you. It's an ego blow more than 'man, I really liked them' in these cases. But it makes you want them more because of it. The ego seeks validation. I've discussed this before, but she could have a very specific 'type'...but who knows. Best of luck with whatever path you choose to take with this

[Cookiesandough]

So what made you go on the date in the first place? I'm assuming it's online dating?

 

Meaning you had to be attracted at first cause I can't get a feel for someones personality without meeting them. So like my last post said to me IMO you don't have much to go on with online dating outside of appearance. Once you meet the person then you get to really know them outside of looks. I'm not trying to sound like a douche, it's just I can't get a feel for someone through a computer or phone

 

Well one was online, one was a mutual friend. The online guy I thought he was cute, but not my type. I mean I wasn't wowed. But I figured I'd give it a shot because personality has a big factor in attraction they say.....particularly for women. I mean even if you read these boards it's not unusual for women to go out with guys they're not totally attracted to, hoping compatibility and chemistry will do its magic. For many, it doesn't work out or they can't do it. I've never gone out with a guy I wasn't attracted whatsoever physically, but a guy I was the fence about, sure, especially when I don't have better dating prospects at the time and he seemed cool. I don't do it anymore because I think it's stringing someone along and a crappy thing to do.

[jgraham11]

Well one was online, one was a mutual friend. The online guy I thought he was cute, but not my type. I mean I wasn't wowed. But I figured I'd give it a shot because personality has a big factor in attraction they say.....particularly for women. I mean even if you read these boards it's not unusual for women to go out with guys they're not totally attracted to, hoping compatibility and chemistry will do its magic. For many, it doesn't work out or they can't do it. I've never gone out with a guy I wasn't attracted whatsoever physically, but a guy I was the fence about, sure, especially when I don't have better dating prospects at the time and he seemed cool. I don't do it anymore because I think it's stringing someone along and a crappy thing to do.

 

Well that's nice of you to realize that. I'm sure a lot of people wouldn't care. Empathy isn't something I associate with the dating scene haha

[coolheadal]

You're probably one of the first people who has ever said that's a good thing (dating one girl at a time)

 

I usually get castrated for that by either men saying "Wow, dude you're an idiot. Numbers game! Numbers game! Numbers game!"

 

Or by woman saying "What are you some chauvinist"

 

It's like nope, I just can't deal with more than one woman at a time haha!

 

 

Well I am raised with moral and family values. I say it as it is so I can be blunt at times. Do not listen to others be yourself and do what pleases you. Numbers game there isn't any in my book. I need to talk to women as learn a lot more bout them. I have many as friends. Close or near a true relationship is tough today because I find nearly everyone has been damaged in some sort of way. No one is 100% perfect. You have learned a lot from this site and from all of us who have replied to you. It's better to date to one girl at a time. But today you do need a backup because no man wants to get rejected and put into the friend-zone!

[jgraham11]

Well I am raised with moral and family values. I say it as it is so I can be blunt at times. Do not listen to others be yourself and do what pleases you. Numbers game there isn't any in my book. I need to talk to women as learn a lot more bout them. I have many as friends. Close or near a true relationship is tough today because I find nearly everyone has been damaged in some sort of way. No one is 100% perfect. You have learned a lot from this site and from all of us who have replied to you. It's better to date to one girl at a time. But today you do need a backup because no man wants to get rejected and put into the friend-zone!

 

 

Well it won't be a backup it'll just be the next girl. Numbers gone, now the memory will hopefully fade quickly

[coolheadal]

I'm starting to agree it was just some compatibility thing judging by what she texted me and what i've included here. As far as the friend thing goes I don't know. I'm still hung on that cause she insisted several times. She very easily could of just said screw it bye

 

She won't say that because she doesn't know how to drop you like that. She keeps you as a friend because you values you as her friend.. But you do not want boe become her blank or wet blank. I can't say the words because the're rude to say. But I do not want that in my life either. Women wants you as a friend after they dated you, That can screw with your mindset and make you go insane. You did the right think, but I say cut her off 100%, I doubt it she'll understand why you do not want to be placed in her friend-zone box.

[jgraham11]

She won't say that because she doesn't know how to drop you like that. She keeps you as a friend because you values you as her friend.. But you do not want boe become her blank or wet blank. I can't say the words because the're rude to say. But I do not want that in my life either. Women wants you as a friend after they dated you, That can screw with your mindset and make you go insane. You did the right think, but I say cut her off 100%, I doubt it she'll understand why you do not want to be placed in her friend-zone box.

 

 

Already did. I was going insane not understanding how the relationship would be, or how it move forward/if it would move forward

 

I needed clarity, I got it

[coolheadal]

Well it won't be a backup it'll just be the next girl. Numbers gone, now the memory will hopefully fade quickly

 

Let me rephrased that then the "NEXT" one.. I see one woman today.. I had her in my house and cooked for her each day. She kissed me goodbye when I leave for work. I want that kiss and hug. I tell her you just never know when you go you might not come back. (I mean like accident) No one wants to think that. But this is a good women for me. She's not perfect but.. I am glad its working this time. But the other women I know are now in a friend-zone they're not a backup anymore. You date and you find that special girl friend.

[ExpatInItaly]

OP, don't get so hung up on why she isn't interested. And until she actually makes an effort to really be friends, don't take her offer as anything more than a soft let-down. Actions speak louder than words. See if that comes to fruition before assuming she will keep her word.

 

It wouldn't have made sense to go on another date if she wasn't feeling it. She did the right thing by letting you know. Heck, maybe she met someone else who she just feels a better connection with. That type of thing can't always be put into words.

 

I think you will need to have a thicker skin if you're venturing into dating, though. It can be a fickle world.

Edited March 29, 2017 by ExpatInItaly

[jgraham11]

OP, don't get so hung up on why she isn't interested. And until she actually makes an effort to really be friends, don't take her offer as anything more than a soft let-down. Actions speak louder than words. See if that comes to fruition before assuming she will keep her word.

 

It wouldn't have made sense to go on another date if she wasn't feeling it. She did the right thing by letting you know. Heck, maybe she met someone else who she just feels a better connection with. That type of thing can't always be put into words.

 

I think you will need to have a thicker skin if you're venturing into dating, though. It can be a fickle world.

 

 

Well I know the thread got pretty long after your first comment, but I basically told her no to be friends even though she insisted on it. She didn't meet anyone else, she told me she doesn't like the online dating world and would wanna meet someone in a real world situation cause the relationship could evolve better and I agree. Online dating really is the worst. My skin is just fine, thanks. I just like to know why people aren't interested, you give me a reason and explain yourself and I'm fine with it. Like I said I had my doubts about it working myself too, so either way it was probably coming to an end

[computersandsuch]

Well I know the thread got pretty long after your first comment, but I basically told her no to be friends even though she insisted on it. She didn't meet anyone else, she told me she doesn't like the online dating world and would wanna meet someone in a real world situation cause the relationship could evolve better and I agree. Online dating really is the worst. My skin is just fine, thanks. I just like to know why people aren't interested, you give me a reason and explain yourself and I'm fine with it. Like I said I had my doubts about it working myself too, so either way it was probably coming to an end

 

Sounds like she may be emotionally unavailable.

[jgraham11]

Sounds like she may be emotionally unavailable.

 

Maybe, but she did say she was looking for a long term relationship in text with her. As if I wasn't (which I was, haha). Not really sure. She answered some questions I had, but not everything.. she answered the big questions I had though, so I'm good to move forward now

[computersandsuch]

Maybe, but she did say she was looking for a long term relationship in text with her. As if I wasn't (which I was, haha). Not really sure. She answered some questions I had, but not everything.. she answered the big questions I had though, so I'm good to move forward now

 

Awesome. Keep moving forward. You got this.

[spiderowl]

Well I know the thread got pretty long after your first comment, but I basically told her no to be friends even though she insisted on it. She didn't meet anyone else, she told me she doesn't like the online dating world and would wanna meet someone in a real world situation cause the relationship could evolve better and I agree. Online dating really is the worst. My skin is just fine, thanks. I just like to know why people aren't interested, you give me a reason and explain yourself and I'm fine with it. Like I said I had my doubts about it working myself too, so either way it was probably coming to an end

 

Sometimes it's not that clear-cut. I have been out with guys who were nice, polite, not bad-looking but utterly boring. With others, I have not felt any physical attraction when meeting them in person. Another guy was too passive for words in person and I knew I would find it annoying. Another guy was really good-looking, drop-dead gorgeous in fact, but really had very little conversation and was nowhere near an intellectual match (not trying to sound snobbish here). I was pretty much kicking myself for not being able to find that mental connection with him because he was very fanciable and a sweet guy. One guy started to annoy after a few dates, he made comments about my appearance - in a joking way, but I didn't like it - and then when we were out one time bought and ate a prawn sandwich. I am really turned off by people eating seafood and I literally felt sick. I had to leave him.

 

Point is, there are a million and one reasons why someone might feel there is incompatibility and few of them are down to looks or personality; it is about a match in multiple ways and when we meet someone we are constantly sensing whether that true match is there or not. Not feeling it can leave one feeling it is a shame and then maybe to stay as friends to see if there is any scope, but it is fair enough not to want to risk the doldrums.

[jgraham11]

Sometimes it's not that clear-cut. I have been out with guys who were nice, polite, not bad-looking but utterly boring. With others, I have not felt any physical attraction when meeting them in person. Another guy was too passive for words in person and I knew I would find it annoying. Another guy was really good-looking, drop-dead gorgeous in fact, but really had very little conversation and was nowhere near an intellectual match (not trying to sound snobbish here). I was pretty much kicking myself for not being able to find that mental connection with him because he was very fanciable and a sweet guy. One guy started to annoy after a few dates, he made comments about my appearance - in a joking way, but I didn't like it - and then when we were out one time bought and ate a prawn sandwich. I am really turned off by people eating seafood and I literally felt sick. I had to leave him.

 

Point is, there are a million and one reasons why someone might feel there is incompatibility and few of them are down to looks or personality; it is about a match in multiple ways and when we meet someone we are constantly sensing whether that true match is there or not. Not feeling it can leave one feeling it is a shame and then maybe to stay as friends to see if there is any scope, but it is fair enough not to want to risk the doldrums.

 

I felt like I match up well to one of the guys you mentioned. Like I think I was trying to be too nice at times that I didn't show my personality enough. Basically I was trying too hard to be perfect and didn't let my guard down enough with this girl. She was insanely shy so I was trying too take it slow, but I kind of feel like I may have moved to fast for her. In the end I don't know her "exact" reason for ending it, but because she talked about how she won't be going on Match again or how she just didn't feel it was "right" I'm guessing it was just compatibility. Could I be wrong, maybe, but I'm going to take her word for it that was just what she said it was, or what she at least gave me for info

 

As far as the staying friends bit in your last paragraph. I would of liked that but I ended up saying no because it would have been hard. I mean we weren't even friends before dating, so that would have been.. a little odd to me. It's shame cause she was a really nice girl too, but what can you do. I've got her on FB, so I guess there's always down the line for something

 

I never like to COMPLETELY blow a bridge