NTV Posted March 25, 2017 Share Posted March 25, 2017 It's her trying to say no nicely. Even if she means it it doesn't matter. You already 'have enough friends', capiche? Link to post Share on other sites
todreaminblue Posted March 25, 2017 Share Posted March 25, 2017 some girls mean it and some don't,normally if i offer friendship i mean it......i actually have in the past not offered friendship because of having not enough in common with guys i have dated.....or there's been something off i was vibing on.....and haven't felt ...safe enough to consider a friendship with them.... when i do offer friendship ...i mean it.....deb..... Link to post Share on other sites
Author jgraham11 Posted March 25, 2017 Author Share Posted March 25, 2017 It's her trying to say no nicely. Even if she means it it doesn't matter. You already 'have enough friends', capiche? But it does matter. Cause I'm trying to figure out if I can actually just be friends as well. I don't care if I pick up an extra friend.. It's just deciphering her was my problem Link to post Share on other sites
Author jgraham11 Posted March 25, 2017 Author Share Posted March 25, 2017 some girls mean it and some don't,normally if i offer friendship i mean it......i actually have in the past not offered friendship because of having not enough in common with guys i have dated.....or there's been something off i was vibing on.....and haven't felt ...safe enough to consider a friendship with them.... when i do offer friendship ...i mean it.....deb..... Cool, thanks for the female perspective! Link to post Share on other sites
NTV Posted March 26, 2017 Share Posted March 26, 2017 But it does matter. Cause I'm trying to figure out if I can actually just be friends as well. I don't care if I pick up an extra friend.. It's just deciphering her was my problem I guess I should have pointed out the pitfalls of trying to be friends with her afterwards. But if this is your first rodeo doing the friends thing it's likely better for you to learn now than to learn later. You're asking if it's possible if she means it. Sure. It's possible. I'm just saying based on your post before this one that I think it's a bad idea for this particular circumstance. I think unless every answer you get here is "no." then you're gonna try anyway, and that's cool. Live and learn right? Link to post Share on other sites
Author jgraham11 Posted March 26, 2017 Author Share Posted March 26, 2017 I guess I should have pointed out the pitfalls of trying to be friends with her afterwards. But if this is your first rodeo doing the friends thing it's likely better for you to learn now than to learn later. You're asking if it's possible if she means it. Sure. It's possible. I'm just saying based on your post before this one that I think it's a bad idea for this particular circumstance. I think unless every answer you get here is "no." then you're gonna try anyway, and that's cool. Live and learn right? Well yes and no. I'm not going to text her. If she were to ask me to hang out and I had nothing better to do, then yeah. If this was sexual with her I would have just said no, cause that wouldn't have worked. I figure let's just be friends and if something ever comes from it great, if not that's great too Link to post Share on other sites
Author jgraham11 Posted March 28, 2017 Author Share Posted March 28, 2017 (edited) *For the record this will put closure to this girl. I'm aware I've posted a question similar to this, but wanted to get thoughts on this final question* Recently, I ended a brief dating period with this girl I was seeing. It was basically mutual in the end, but I was kind of the first one to say something. We met online, went on 4 dates and kissed a few times, that's it. That's probably all the background you need before my question When things ended, like I said I initiated the "final goodbye". My main reason for ending it was cause I could just sense she wasn't interested. I mean I had gone like 3 weeks without seeing her, she had excuse after excuse and I had enough. She then followed up a whole day later saying she was sorry and that she'd "Really love to be friends, if I still want to" But my confusion is this. If she doesn't mind being friends then what is her deal? I mean clearly I didn't do enough to keep her interest as a date, but I'm enough to be a friend? Initially I thought it was an attraction thing, but you don't really agree to date someone, especially online, if they aren't at least seem somewhat attractive to you physically. So then that leaves personality and that's kind of what friendships are built on, no? I mean people need to have a personal connection. So what the hell is this girl getting at? To be honest in the end I feel it was more a personality thing with us with why she felt disinterested and even I kind of lost interest towards the end. And i'm not just saying that to save my feelings. There were signs of disconnect, moments of awkwardness, silence at times on dates, just a odd vibe. I'm 6'4 in amazing shape, good face, so I don't feel like it's an attraction thing, but if it is the personality thing and us just not "meshing" then why would she think it's a good idea for us to be friends? Again, this could all end up being nothing cause maybe i'll never even get a text from her again. However, I also look at her texting me the day after we broke up like kind of strange. I ended things a day earlier there was no need to keep texting after that really Thoughts? Edited March 28, 2017 by jgraham11 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted March 28, 2017 Share Posted March 28, 2017 You're reading far too much into her "let's be friends" comment. All that means is that she doesn't want to date anymore, that she doesn't have the right feelings to make things romantic. Many people offer friendship to try to soften that blow, without much serious intent to actually maintain a friendship. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted March 28, 2017 Share Posted March 28, 2017 Nothing there to talk about. Move on like you started. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author jgraham11 Posted March 28, 2017 Author Share Posted March 28, 2017 (edited) You're reading far too much into her "let's be friends" comment. All that means is that she doesn't want to date anymore, that she doesn't have the right feelings to make things romantic. Many people offer friendship to try to soften that blow, without much serious intent to actually maintain a friendship. Actually I'm not. I just asked her cause I HATE leaving things open. She said she wanted a long term relationship (which I wanted) and something serious (yep, me too), but she said she "Could see problems down the line" and that we weren't "right" for each other So then how the hell are we right to be friends? Clearly there's some personality or character flaw in me that she felt wasn't suitable enough to be a partner, but a friend is okay? Now i'm just pissed and completely done She insisted on being friends though again in the latest text exchange. My God was that confusing to me Number deleted.. If anyone learns of some memory erasing technology, PLEASE let me know Edited March 28, 2017 by jgraham11 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Cookiesandough Posted March 28, 2017 Share Posted March 28, 2017 Sounds like friend zone. Girls say LJBF often when they still like someone enough as a person, but there is just not an interest to pursue something more. People do go on online dates with people they are not that interested in. A lot. I even used to do it until I realized how futile it is and how much damage it can potentially cause. Accepting that sometimes people are not right for each other, sometimes we'll never know "why"s, and moving on to other opportunities is really the only way we get closure. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jgraham11 Posted March 28, 2017 Author Share Posted March 28, 2017 Sounds like friend zone. Girls say LJBF often when they still like someone enough as a person, but there is just not an interest to pursue something more. People do go on online dates with people they are not that interested in. A lot. I even used to do it until I realized how futile it is and how much damage it can potentially cause. Accepting that sometimes people are not right for each other, sometimes we'll never know "why"s, and moving on to other opportunities is really the only way we get closure. The way I interpreted it was that she didn't think I was serious enough... Like uh "excuse you!" Link to post Share on other sites
Cookiesandough Posted March 29, 2017 Share Posted March 29, 2017 Actually I'm not. I just asked her cause I HATE leaving things open. She said she wanted a long term relationship (which I wanted) and something serious (yep, me too), but she said she "Could see problems down the line" and that we weren't "right" for each other So then how the hell are we right to be friends? Clearly there's some personality or character flaw in me that she felt wasn't suitable enough to be a partner, but a friend is okay? Now i'm just pissed and completely done She insisted on being friends though again in the latest text exchange. My God was that confusing to me Number deleted.. If anyone learns of some memory erasing technology, PLEASE let me know I'm sorry I know it sucks when people aren't feeling it. I don't see what you said here does anything more than affirm exactly what ExpatinItaly said. She wants a long term relationship, but didn't think you were "right" for each other. People have different expectations for a romantic partner than they do friends. She thinks you're a cool guy, but she was not feeling a significant enough attraction/ connection to want to pursue a romantic relationship with you. That is ok because there are others who will. . 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Cookiesandough Posted March 29, 2017 Share Posted March 29, 2017 The way I interpreted it was that she didn't think I was serious enough... Like uh "excuse you!" Just curious, what made you interpret it that way. You know what, don't answer that. Gotta let this one go. GJ at deleting her number. Now do stuff that makes you happy Link to post Share on other sites
Author jgraham11 Posted March 29, 2017 Author Share Posted March 29, 2017 I'm sorry I know it sucks when people aren't feeling it. I don't see what you said here does anything more than affirm exactly what ExpatinItaly said. She wants a long term relationship, but didn't think you were "right" for each other. People have different expectations for a romantic partner than they do friends. She thinks you're a cool guy, but she was not feeling a significant enough attraction/ connection to want to pursue a romantic relationship with you. That is ok because there are others who will. . No he was right about half of it. The other half he was wrong.. She clearly did really wanna be friends. I just confirmed that with her. I straight up asked her lol. That's what was so confusing to me, she said it has nothing to do with looks.. So that leaves personality/compatibility, but I can't see how we could be friends if my looks were good enough for her, but the vibe was wrong. How can you be friends with someone you at least find attractive, but don't vibe with? I mean I'm sure some people can be friends with someone they find attractive, okay.. but to not have the right kind of vibe with that person. I don't get it haha Link to post Share on other sites
Cookiesandough Posted March 29, 2017 Share Posted March 29, 2017 (edited) No he was right about half of it. The other half he was wrong.. She clearly did really wanna be friends. I just confirmed that with her. I straight up asked her lol. That's what was so confusing to me, she said it has nothing to do with looks.. So that leaves personality/compatibility, but I can't see how we could be friends if my looks were good enough for her, but the vibe was wrong. How can you be friends with someone you at least find attractive, but don't vibe with? I mean I'm sure some people can be friends with someone they find attractive, okay.. but to not have the right kind of vibe with that person. I don't get it haha Oh okay I see what you mean.sorry. It very well could be she wants to stay friends. First of all, she said it wasn't an attraction thing. That could definitely be a lie. Very, very hard to be honest about that. Does that mean you aren't attractive? Absolutely not. It could mean she just wasn't attracted enough. Maybe your voice reminds her of a guy who bullied her in high school.She could just have a particular type. It could be anything Secondly, the things we week in a friend vs a partner are very different. With a friend, sometimes all we need is to simply like and get along with that individual. The requirements needed to be in a long term romantic relationship are more extensive. Everyone's requirements are different. Some people people need someone who make them laugh a lot. Some people want someone with a great career and lots of accomplishments to feel that attraction. Some people are intimidated by accomplishment. But the bottom m line is wanting to be your friend and not wanting a romantic relationship with you is not contradictory at all, in my opinion. I'm surprised you haven't felt this with anyone before? Edited March 29, 2017 by Cookiesandough 2 Link to post Share on other sites
ashy555 Posted March 29, 2017 Share Posted March 29, 2017 Sounds like she wasn't that attracted to you in the end. Could be looks or personality. I go on dates with guys all the time who seem attractive at first, but in real life felt nothing. Its not just black and white. She is looking for chemistry and didn't feel it with you. Simple as that. She either thought you were a lovely person and suggested being friends. Or only said it because she felt bad rejecting you. Everyone knows its very rare to become friends with someone you met online and went on a few dates with. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
BDJ_1 Posted March 29, 2017 Share Posted March 29, 2017 Until you meet up again as friends she doesn't want to be friends. She's just letting you down softly. Let it go. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted March 29, 2017 Share Posted March 29, 2017 Once she met you, her attraction and interest waned. You aren't her type in some way. The chemistry isn't there. Saying be friends is just an easy let down to tell you "you're a nice person, it's me not you." Just tell her you think it would be best to move on and have a clean break. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jgraham11 Posted March 29, 2017 Author Share Posted March 29, 2017 Until you meet up again as friends she doesn't want to be friends. She's just letting you down softly. Let it go. I mean I'm not trying to beat a dead horse here but how many times does she have to say she wants to be friends before she means it? It's not even a case of me not believing that anymore, now I do The focus of my question instantly changed the minute after I texted her, which was also after this post unfortunately. I mean she clearly wanted to make an effort (she doesn't have many friends, international student in the city) so that could explain it. At the end of the day she said she didn't feel "right about it" or saw "problems down the line". Am I wrong to look into that as a personality/compatibility issue? Link to post Share on other sites
coolheadal Posted March 29, 2017 Share Posted March 29, 2017 Actually I'm not. I just asked her cause I HATE leaving things open. She said she wanted a long term relationship (which I wanted) and something serious (yep, me too), but she said she "Could see problems down the line" and that we weren't "right" for each other So then how the hell are we right to be friends? Clearly there's some personality or character flaw in me that she felt wasn't suitable enough to be a partner, but a friend is okay? Now i'm just pissed and completely done She insisted on being friends though again in the latest text exchange. My God was that confusing to me Number deleted.. If anyone learns of some memory erasing technology, PLEASE let me know You tell her this "When you see it fit that you want a relationship with me then you contact me then" Buy listen might be too late for us by then because baby I am not waiting on you! I have better things to do than to play endless mind games and your just stringing me along on an endless hook. I do not want to be friends only, buddies, text buddies. I want real relationship. If not with you then someone else. Goodbye! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author jgraham11 Posted March 29, 2017 Author Share Posted March 29, 2017 Once she met you, her attraction and interest waned. You aren't her type in some way. The chemistry isn't there. Saying be friends is just an easy let down to tell you "you're a nice person, it's me not you." Just tell her you think it would be best to move on and have a clean break. I'm starting to agree it was just some compatibility thing judging by what she texted me and what i've included here. As far as the friend thing goes I don't know. I'm still hung on that cause she insisted several times. She very easily could of just said screw it bye Link to post Share on other sites
coolheadal Posted March 29, 2017 Share Posted March 29, 2017 I'm starting to agree it was just some compatibility thing judging by what she texted me and what i've included here. As far as the friend thing goes I don't know. I'm still hung on that cause she insisted several times. She very easily could of just said screw it bye Listen you tell her this "When you see it fit that you want a relationship with me then you contact me then" Buy listen might be too late for us by then because baby I am not waiting on you! I have better things to do than to play endless mind games and your just stringing me along on an endless hook. I do not want to be friends only, buddies, text buddies. I want real relationship. If not with you then someone else. Goodbye! Also stop wasting time with a women like this. You have to realize one thing you can't be attracted to every women because they can be the same way with us men. She's playing games and using the let's be friends only deal. She's not really into you other than friends. But if you tell her what I told you to say that will tell her that your don't have to wait on her. Most women will jump up and say wait I made a mistake with you. I am sorry we can give it a try. I use that line always when they avoid your interest in them. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author jgraham11 Posted March 29, 2017 Author Share Posted March 29, 2017 You tell her this "When you see it fit that you want a relationship with me then you contact me then" Buy listen might be too late for us by then because baby I am not waiting on you! I have better things to do than to play endless mind games and your just stringing me along on an endless hook. I do not want to be friends only, buddies, text buddies. I want real relationship. If not with you then someone else. Goodbye! Yeah I basically said that to her tonight. Added her on FB (in case she wants to rekindle, since I deleted her number for the time being) told her no to being friends and yeah i've moved on. I'm already talking to another. It was just a very confusing situation to be in. I've never tried to be friends with someone after online dating Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts