Letter to an Ex UPDATE: She Messaged!

[preraph]

Avoid all that and just don't message her at all. There's no reason to. You're just fishing again, giving her one more chance to say she cares, when it sounds like you cleared that up yesterday that it's not going to happen.

[Dandannydandan]

Avoid all that and just don't message her at all. There's no reason to. You're just fishing again, giving her one more chance to say she cares, when it sounds like you cleared that up yesterday that it's not going to happen.

 

I meant can't be friends.

 

Ah I know, it's just hard. I feel like I need to tell her where I stand so that she doesn't message again for whatever reason thinking we can be friends, and if she does it's ONLY if she wants to reconcile.

 

I thought this would have been the case before until she suddenly messaged out of the blue and offered to give my camera back. I just don't want that to happen again.

[Blanco]

You can thank the Corey Waynes of the world for that misconception.

 

Sometimes a cigar is really just a cigar and sometimes an ex is really just contacting you to be friends.

[Dandannydandan]

You can thank the Corey Waynes of the world for that misconception.

 

Sometimes a cigar is really just a cigar and sometimes an ex is really just contacting you to be friends.

 

Yup, agree.

 

Just want to let her know not to contact me again under any circumstances as a "friend", but IF (very big and unlikely if) she wanted to explore something more then I might be willing to listen.

[Blanco]

Noooooo.

 

That's another Corey Wayne tactic that I just don't agree with. I've heard him say this again and again, and I understand that the intent is supposed to be keeping your options open while you go out and date other women. We can ask the ladies here, but when I read/hear someone say that, I totally think, "OK, they just told the person that they're going to be waiting for them to come back."

 

A person who believes they have options doesn't tell someone who's rejected them that they'll be around in case they change their mind.

[Dandannydandan]

It's not so much to tell her "I'm here" or "i'll be waiting", but to stop her from out of the blue messaging me again about something thinking that we're friends.

[Blanco]

Well let's open the floor to the ladies here and see how they would interpret the statement, "if [she] wanted to explore something more then I might be willing to listen."

 

Maybe I'm off the mark, but in her shoes, I would think, "OK, this guy will be available (i.e. not with someone) for me if and when I chose to return."

[1fish2fish]

That is EXACTLY how it sounds to me, and I'm definitely a lady.

 

You are giving her power over you and the situation and you basically are telling her that you'll gladly put yourself on the backburner for her.

 

Why would you even need to respond?

 

Of course, this is all assuming she does reach out again. Unless you have something else of value in her possession, I doubt she will.

[jamili]

Chiming in here- What i told my ex after she started messging me again was:

 

"If there is some meaning behind your communication then let me know, otherwise im not interest in chit-chat and ask that you respect that."

 

Granted... mine was breadcrumbing me off and on for months and there was no camera exchange, and she was asking me specific personal questions.

 

Would that be a more appropriate response here?

[preraph]

It's not so much to tell her "I'm here" or "i'll be waiting", but to stop her from out of the blue messaging me again about something thinking that we're friends.

 

I don't really believe that and here's why: Because if it were true, all you'd have to do is block her number and block her on social media and get off her social media too. Instead you're emailing her.

[Dandannydandan]

I don't really believe that and here's why: Because if it were true, all you'd have to do is block her number and block her on social media and get off her social media too. Instead you're emailing her.

 

I deleted her number (not blocked) and deactivated my social media.

 

I want to keep A channel of communication for her open, but not one where Im looking at her facebook or have her number saved in my phone.

[Dandannydandan]

"If there is some meaning behind your communication then let me know, otherwise im not interest in chit-chat and ask that you respect that."

 

She messaged this morning and I said something along these lines you mentioned, to which she reponded:

 

I felt a bit weird but then we just started talking like old times. I know it's hard. I still have feelings for you too, they don't go away over night, I just wish I could give you more but I can't. I do miss you in my life, I miss your friendship. I hope one day we can hang out as friends but I do understand that it might be too hard.

[Blanco]

She messaged this morning and I said something along these lines you mentioned, to which she reponded:

 

I felt a bit weird but then we just started talking like old times. I know it's hard. I still have feelings for you too, they don't go away over night, I just wish I could give you more but I can't. I do miss you in my life, I miss your friendship. I hope one day we can hang out as friends but I do understand that it might be too hard.

 

And there you go. At least she's honest, but there's no lines to read between: She can give you friendship and nothing more.

 

Probably best to block her number, to be honest.

[GeekLover]

Well let's open the floor to the ladies here and see how they would interpret the statement, "if [she] wanted to explore something more then I might be willing to listen."

 

Maybe I'm off the mark, but in her shoes, I would think, "OK, this guy will be available (i.e. not with someone) for me if and when I chose to return."

 

Yep. Sorry, but also a woman here and that's how I would interpret this message as well.

 

My vote? Go back to FULL NC and either respond to anything with closed responses (ie. I'm doing well. Take care.) OR nothing at all unless she specifically tells you she wants to reconcile.

 

My plan if I EVER hear from my ex (which I'm not holding my breath for), is to give him 3 freebies (where I either respond like my example above or not at all), THEN I ask what his purpose for contacting me is.

 

Luckily, I'm starting to get to the point where I'm actually hoping I never have to deal with him again.

[Dandannydandan]

I feel like asking if she still planned to meet up to have a chat about it (like she always said she planned to at some stage). NOT in hope of reconciliation but to get it all out in the open and more to give myself closure.

[bluefeather]

I feel like asking if she still planned to meet up to have a chat about it (like she always said she planned to at some stage). NOT in hope of reconciliation but to get it all out in the open and more to give myself closure.

 

[]It's already out in the open with the last text she sent you. If you don't think was closure, you are in denial.

 

I had been debating posting in your thread, but I will now because it is really obvious what you're going through, because I went through something very similar. I was given a response that was close to that as well and when I pressed more, I got ghosted. Funny thing is, instead of going through the feelings of extreme hurt and neediness, I was just a little bit hurt and more confused - this later turned into relief, as I realized that I knew deep inside that she was not the one for me. I really did not desire this woman in my life again; I was only feeling very emotionally vulnerable, and was in a weak state of mind.

 

I would recommend that you ease off trying to use tactics to get her back and realize that this person made a conscious decision that she did not want you, and then ask yourself why you would actually want someone who feels that way about you..?

 

And I'm not trying to shoot you down with these words. I'm telling you this as someone who has been in your place, or at least in the same area code. It's a long road to get through, but the journey begins when you realize that you deserve someone who actually wants you back.

 

Wishing you much healing...

Edited April 29, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Language

[1fish2fish]

No.

 

Just NO.

 

Any further questioning from you about her intentions...or anything related to your past relationship...is only going to push her away even further.

[Altair0770]

What is "getting closure"? Asking questions always leads to more questions. You just have to find the answers yourself. And when you find out the answers, sometimes they hurt. Sometimes they help. Who knows, but it's best to not start searching for answers that will not change your position in the slightest.

 

Good that it went well, but you got the answer you weren't hoping for. She wants to be friends. I personally don't think you should ever tell someone "I can't be friends *YET*". That makes it easier for them to let go, thinking you will one day return.

 

Me? If someone breaks up with me, I simply walk away, remove any trace of them, and completely ghost them. If they wanted me in their life, they would have made the effort to keep me, not made the effort of letting me go.

 

Maybe it's just me, but I'm going to assume that she isn't going to make any effort to try to reconcile. She's stuck you in that friendzone permanently unless you go NC for a very, very long time and bump into each other as complete strangers that once dated. But hey, that sometimes is far better off, since most successful reconciliations that lead to marriage are after long times apart, where as most "reconciliations" that fail after a few weeks is because the issues still lingered, and as we all know, issues linger for a long time and won't go away until BOTH move on.

 

Feel free to disagree with me. Some people really do hope to be friends with their dumpers at one point. But I'm in the philosphy of if you cross the line of going from friends to significant others, plain friendship is NEVER a possibility. We either live happily ever after, or we become complete strangers and you get to know nothing about my life. If my ex is waiting on me to return to be her friend, she'll be waiting for all of eternity.

[Blanco]

I feel like asking if she still planned to meet up to have a chat about it (like she always said she planned to at some stage). NOT in hope of reconciliation but to get it all out in the open and more to give myself closure.

 

OK, this is where you're going to need be a big boy and get tough. Absolutely do not contact her again with anything like this.

 

People advised against meeting up with her because the probability of it not going the way you wanted was high and you were unlikely to be accepting of that. Well, here we are.

 

The meeting, as it turns out, was just about returning an expensive item. She then later took out any further guessing by explicitly telling you that friendship is all she can offer. And kudos to her for not only being honest, but being mature in expressing that she will miss your friendship, but make that sacrifice because she knows you desire more.

 

Friend, there is no closure to be had from her. Closure will come, as it always does, from within.

 

Contact her again with something like this and you start down the slippery slope of showing you don't respect her decision.

[Dandannydandan]

Thanks Altair and 1fish2fish and Blanco!

 

I have completely relapsed. My depression and tension headaches have hit me like a brick wall.

 

For a long time, even whilst we were in a relationship, I was suffering from terrible isolation (I now live on the opposite side of the world to my old friends and family) and have really struggled to get new friends. I've tried joining clubs, meetups etc without success, and my ongoing depression and anxiety just made me isolate myself even more.

 

I enjoyed it last night not because I hoping for reconciliation but because the feelings of isolation, tension headaches and depression had vanished and I was just happy enjoying good company. She has always been available for me, listened to me and always replied to text messages quickly (apart from the needy breakup ones, understandably). This is not something I can say of any friend I have.

 

I feel being friends and having her in my life would help me as I battle and try and overcome the depression and anxiety, even more if I actually tell her about it (I've hid it from her). But I also know for as long as I harbour feelings for her I would not be able to see her with anyone else (I could ask her to just not tell me when she does).

 

I know of the "band aid" phrase, but I feel like keeping it on until I am cured of my depression and anxiety would serve me better than ripping it off and spiraling into much darker place that I don't want to imagine, and suffering with long term depression, might never get out of.

 

Please no "I told you so" replies, it's really not what I need right now.

Edited April 29, 2017 by Dandannydandan

[bluefeather]

No I told you so from me. Just sorry Dandannydandan :/

 

:hug:

[Dandannydandan]

No I told you so from me. Just sorry Dandannydandan :/

 

:hug:

 

Thanks bluefeather! (Sorry I completely missed your first reply).

[jamili]

Sorry man, this sucks, I know.

 

At least, now, you know for sure.

[GeekLover]

But I'm in the philosphy of if you cross the line of going from friends to significant others, plain friendship is NEVER a possibility. We either live happily ever after, or we become complete strangers and you get to know nothing about my life. If my ex is waiting on me to return to be her friend, she'll be waiting for all of eternity.

 

Exactly.

 

I'm completely with you Altair. At the moment, if I were to see my ex OM in public, I'd keep walking without engaging at all. He's dead to me. He chose to exit my life.

 

When someone dumps you, they make the conscious decision that life will be much better without me in it.

 

Wish Granted...Poof

Edited April 29, 2017 by GeekLover

[Dandannydandan]

Ok. This what Im going to do. Im going to send her one last message and then move on.

 

She has long known I haven't been myself, I hid my depression and anxiety from her and it made me incredibly unhealthy doing that. Im going to write her everything about it, that Im suffering from it and thats why I was not myself for a very long time.

 

I think it would be a massive relief and weight off my shoulders to just send it (even if she doesn't read it) to make her aware, and then move on.

 

It was a relief when I told my closest friend back home, and to do the same with the one person present through it all would be a huge relief, a weight off, and I can move on with NC.

 

I don't care if it makes me look weak or needy or insecure, I already look and feel that way.

 

I have nothing more to lose and only my health to gain, and to release something that's sat there, brewed, and stirred unhealthily inside me for so long will be a step towards that.