Letter to an Ex UPDATE: She Messaged!

[Dandannydandan]

I haven't read the last few pages but from what I gather you want her back, no?

 

If that's the case don't be a dick. Don't be all butt hurt. Be the guy she fell in love with and not the guy she dumped.

 

Don't bring up the RL unless she does and don't make it the topic of the night. Be like you were on the first date. You're over it but open to start something new.

 

Showing her coldness and anger will ruin any chances you have of getting her back.

 

Apologies if you just want to show up and give her a big FU. If that's the case move forward with your approach.

 

Well the short story is that a few days ago she messaged me wanting to return my camera and suggested she could drop it off or we could meetup to do so. I said yes we can meetup (we have no mutual friends to do a drop off) and it would have been easier, and that we could do it in a pub and have a drink.

 

I am still hoping for reconciliation (but think it's unlikely), but I don't want to be too happy/outgoing/enthusiastic in case she gets the idea that I'm fine with the way she broke up with me (which I'm not).

[Kitchen]

SevenCity is correct.

 

Not only will acting cold be unattractive, boring, rude, etc. But most importantly, it will be an incredibly OBVIOUS cover for what you really want.

 

Think about it, if you really were feeling that cold and indifferent towards her, why would you ask her for a drink?

 

Just be yourself dude. Don't put on a show. Don't have any expectations. Also, you can still hold your cards to your chest (you should), while being yourself.

[Kitchen]

Well the short story is that a few days ago she messaged me wanting to return my camera and suggested she could drop it off or we could meetup to do so. I said yes we can meetup (we have no mutual friends to do a drop off) and it would have been easier, and that we could do it in a pub and have a drink.

 

I am still hoping for reconciliation (but think it's unlikely), but I don't want to be too happy/outgoing/enthusiastic in case she gets the idea that I'm fine with the way she broke up with me (which I'm not).

 

The question is, what do you want? Do you want to get **** off your chest for the way she treated you? Or do you want to reconcile? Or both?

 

If it's just to get **** off your chest - then feel free to tell her off, it might even help.

 

If you want to reconcile, then you'll need to take a much more slower, subtler approach.

 

This may be contrary to what most people on the forum would advise, but reconciling and fighting over the breakup don't have to be, and in many cases shouldn't be, mutually exclusive.

 

The thing is that if she truly treated you like crap, perhaps she deserves to be told off for it, and perhaps that gives you a greater chance of reconciling as she will see you stand up for yourself. The question is why would you want that if she really was that bad to you?

 

Ultimately it comes down to intuition. You know yourself and her the best, and just trust your gut. Nobody on this forum can tell you exactly what to do.

 

Go in there, feel her out, and sort of play it by ear is what I would do.

[Dandannydandan]

She didn’t treat me like crap, but I was hurt with the way she broke up with me.

 

She ended our 2 year relationship in a text message because it was “too difficult” in person and she “didn’t want to see me get upset”. We both hate confrontation so this was her way of avoiding it, but it made me feel totally insignificant. I don’t think she realises how much I hated the way she handled it.

 

I won’t bring it up but if she starts talking about it then I’ll listen and say my piece. Otherwise I think it’s a “catch up” drinks, whatever that will entail (hopefully not with her friend-zoning me).

[SevenCity]

She didn’t treat me like crap, but I was hurt with the way she broke up with me.

 

She ended our 2 year relationship in a text message because it was “too difficult” in person and she “didn’t want to see me get upset”. We both hate confrontation so this was her way of avoiding it, but it made me feel totally insignificant. I don’t think she realises how much I hated the way she handled it.

 

I won’t bring it up but if she starts talking about it then I’ll listen and say my piece. Otherwise I think it’s a “catch up” drinks, whatever that will entail (hopefully not with her friend-zoning me).

 

The only thing you can say is "I would have preferred if we spoke in person but I understand that you thought it was best at the time. It's ok, don't worry about it"

 

That's if you want her back. If you show that you are butt hurt it will eliminate your chances of getting her back. She already feels awful and if you make her feel even worse it's not going to make her want more.

 

I'm not saying that you should try and be her friend. Quite the opposite. Make it clear you are only interested in a romantic relationship but if she doesn't want that you are fine with it.

 

Like I said, treat it like a first date. Don't come on too strong and escalate based on her actions. I would not have met her out. Having her come over to your place is the best chance of banging her.

[Altair0770]

I agree with Seven. I also agree with Blanco.

 

Sorry man... I can't make correct predictions because I wasn't in your shoes and I'm not going to offer any advice or anything because I simply can't based on everything you posted, but I think she just wants to drop off the camera. There's just not enough information here to make me think she has any interest in reconciliation.

[Dandannydandan]

I would not have met her out. Having her come over to your place is the best chance of banging her.

 

The last time we reconciled we met out and went back to hers (on the first meet).

 

She has to get up early the morning after, so I think it's off the cards.

[Dandannydandan]

I agree with Seven. I also agree with Blanco.

 

Sorry man... I can't make correct predictions because I wasn't in your shoes and I'm not going to offer any advice or anything because I simply can't based on everything you posted, but I think she just wants to drop off the camera. There's just not enough information here to make me think she has any interest in reconciliation.

 

That's my hunch too that she's not interested, but women operate in strange ways so who knows, only she knows how she's feeling.

[Altair0770]

That's my hunch too that she's not interested, but women operate in strange ways so who knows, only she knows how she's feeling.

 

This right here makes me strongly think you should not meet up with her unless you really want that camera back. You're getting your hopes up and I don't think anyone here wants to see you fall back to square one. Trust your gut (or hunch) that she's not interested. Your statement is true, but if someone has a blue pen in their hand, you're going to assume they are writing in blue.

[jamili]

I do still harbour hope of reconciliation, although I know its unlikely.

 

What do you mean when you suggest that I reply whilst appearing oblivious to her message?

 

He meant if you want reconciliation, you should totally ignore her messages to you.

 

I think you messed this up by responding to her texts. You broke NC by responding - this never ends well. You are being friendzoned and you set that up for yourself by responding.

 

Corey Wayne is wrong when he says that each time an Ex contacts you it means they want you back - that's TOTAL bull****. You can't think like this.

 

You slipped up and responded to her, hurting your chances of reconciliation, you should have IGNORED!.. but I wouldn't worry too much this time, because it really seems to me like she isn't interested and just wants to return the camera.

 

One thing I don't get is that you are willing to meet up with her and make small talk and stuff... and she hasn't even done a single thing to earn you back or try to convince you that she has changed. She ruined your relationship, kicked you to the curb, and now you are willing to meet up at the drop of a hat and get drinks with her??? It doesn't bode well for your self respect and don't think she won't see that. I don't think what you're doing will be seen as very attractive.

 

Nevertheless.. let us know what happens and good luck

Edited April 27, 2017 by jamili

[Dandannydandan]

One thing I don't get is that you are willing to meet up with her and make small talk and stuff... and she hasn't even done a single thing to earn you back or try to convince you that she has changed. She ruined your relationship, kicked you to the curb, and now you are willing to meet up at the drop of a hat and get drinks with her??? It doesn't bode well for your self respect and don't think she won't see that. I don't think what you're doing will be seen as very attractive.

 

Nevertheless.. let us know what happens and good luck

 

Cheers Jamili.

 

I completely agree! I regret suggesting going for a drink, I should have left it to her to push for it.

 

I guess I'm thinking more of the 2 years we spent together rather than the single text she sent to end it.

 

I can only meet tomorrow, get the camera, see what she says (if anything) about the relationship, not give her too much information about me, and see how it goes.

[Altair0770]

Don't give her any information. Take the camera and run!

[Dandannydandan]

Don't give her any information. Take the camera and run!

 

I'll do that the second any "friends" words come out her mouth.

[Kitchen]

Ok here's a suggestion:

 

Plan a get together with a friend right after the one with her - like 60 minutes after your meeting time with her.

 

Unless it escalates to a desirable level in that first 30 minutes or so, you have a reason to leave. Say "hey nice catching up, thx for the camera, I need to run".

 

The reason I suggest this is assuming it doesn't go 100% positive direction, you will maintain value by being the one to end the meeting. What you don't want is to meet her, hang for an hour or two, and then have her end the meet saying "ok I have a date to go to, bye!". Lol

 

And I highly suggest actually making concrete plans with a friend afterwards because otherwise I sense you won't have the discipline to abort.

 

Yes I know this all sounds like games but it's needed for mental sanity at the very least.

 

All my opinion, do what you think is best. Gluck

[Dandannydandan]

Ok here's a suggestion:

 

Plan a get together with a friend right after the one with her - like 60 minutes after your meeting time with her.

 

Unless it escalates to a desirable level in that first 30 minutes or so, you have a reason to leave. Say "hey nice catching up, thx for the camera, I need to run".

 

The reason I suggest this is assuming it doesn't go 100% positive direction, you will maintain value by being the one to end the meeting. What you don't want is to meet her, hang for an hour or two, and then have her end the meet saying "ok I have a date to go to, bye!". Lol

 

And I highly suggest actually making concrete plans with a friend afterwards because otherwise I sense you won't have the discipline to abort.

 

Yes I know this all sounds like games but it's needed for mental sanity at the very least.

 

All my opinion, do what you think is best. Gluck

 

Thanks Kitchen!

 

After the first drink I'll have a good idea of where it's going.

 

I have plans later in the night anyway so I can use that as an excuse to leave earlier if need be, I already know she doesn't have anything else on apart from having to get up early the next morning to travel to her mums.

Edited April 27, 2017 by Dandannydandan

[Deadmeat]

There is too much game playing.

 

OP I understand what you're going through. Believe me, last year I was also planning and conceiving different methods and plans to get my ex back. What do I say? When do I text? How long should I wait? How do I appear unneedy. All this will make you lose your insanity and push you further away.

 

Here's my suggestion:

 

Accept that this relationship is over. There is absolutely NOTHING you can do or say to make her change her mind about you.

 

Think about it. Have you ever been with female friend that you found unatttactics? What would they have to say or do to get you to find them attractive? You find the answer to this then that is what you have to do. *Hint the answer is NOTHING!

 

listen, I know this is the last thing you want to hear. The truth is you will yourself a fool if you think there is some magic fire breathing gambit you can do to magestically get her to be attracted to you again.

 

There is only one.move here, and that is to do NOTHING. And unless she makes it super clear that she is speaking to you for the purposes of reconciliaton, any response that you give her will put you further from it.

 

I get how hard that is but please don't let us be the ones to tell you , "I told you so".

 

Get your camera and say goodbye.

[Dandannydandan]

There is too much game playing.

 

OP I understand what you're going through. Believe me, last year I was also planning and conceiving different methods and plans to get my ex back. What do I say? When do I text? How long should I wait? How do I appear unneedy. All this will make you lose your insanity and push you further away.

 

Here's my suggestion:

 

Accept that this relationship is over. There is absolutely NOTHING you can do or say to make her change her mind about you.

 

Think about it. Have you ever been with female friend that you found unatttactics? What would they have to say or do to get you to find them attractive? You find the answer to this then that is what you have to do. *Hint the answer is NOTHING!

 

listen, I know this is the last thing you want to hear. The truth is you will yourself a fool if you think there is some magic fire breathing gambit you can do to magestically get her to be attracted to you again.

 

There is only one.move here, and that is to do NOTHING. And unless she makes it super clear that she is speaking to you for the purposes of reconciliaton, any response that you give her will put you further from it.

 

I get how hard that is but please don't let us be the ones to tell you , "I told you so".

 

Get your camera and say goodbye.

 

This is true, I know there is nothing I can do to make her attracted to me again, nor can she just change her feelings.

 

She wouldn't come straight out and say "I want to reconcile", she'd throw a line and see if I bite. I know in this situation it's at least 95% chance that's not the case, and I'm not going into it believing we'll reconcile.

 

You've all given solid advice (all of which I've massively appreciated) but I'd hate myself if I didn't meet up and it was that 0-5% line that she was throwing.

 

I guess I'm looking to see if she wants to talk about the relationship (like she said she planned to after a bit of time). And if this is the case then at least I can get a bit of closure and find it easier to close that door.

[Deadmeat]

This is true, I know there is nothing I can do to make her attracted to me again, nor can she just change her feelings.

 

She wouldn't come straight out and say "I want to reconcile", she'd throw a line and see if I bite. I know in this situation it's at least 95% chance that's not the case, and I'm not going into it believing we'll reconcile.

 

You've all given solid advice (all of which I've massively appreciated) but I'd hate myself if I didn't meet up and it was that 0-5% line that she was throwing.

 

I guess I'm looking to see if she wants to talk about the relationship (like she said she planned to after a bit of time). And if this is the case then at least I can get a bit of closure and find it easier to close that door.

 

 

OP,

 

Just read the MANY threads out there that follow the same pattern as you. You will find your ending there if you keep this up.

 

Believe me, if you continue this you will only push her away and make yourself even crazier.

 

Instead of pretending you don't care about how the outcome will be why not ACTUALLY NOT CARE. She will read you like a book I promise you that.

 

I get the urge. I get the feeling like you need closure. I promise you, if you go through with this, you will look back months or years from now hoping you didn't.

 

I wish you well with whatever you do.

[Deadmeat]

This is true, I know there is nothing I can do to make her attracted to me again, nor can she just change her feelings.

 

She wouldn't come straight out and say "I want to reconcile", she'd throw a line and see if I bite. I know in this situation it's at least 95% chance that's not the case, and I'm not going into it believing we'll reconcile.

 

You've all given solid advice (all of which I've massively appreciated) but I'd hate myself if I didn't meet up and it was that 0-5% line that she was throwing.

 

I guess I'm looking to see if she wants to talk about the relationship (like she said she planned to after a bit of time). And if this is the case then at least I can get a bit of closure and find it easier to close that door.

 

Last thing on this.

 

SHE dumped you. There is no grey area here. SHE DOES NOT WANT YOU. if there is ever any chance of reconciliaton she will make it VERY apparent to you. She will not hint at it.

 

Get the camera and say goodbye.

[whatdeww18]

This is true, I know there is nothing I can do to make her attracted to me again, nor can she just change her feelings.

 

She wouldn't come straight out and say "I want to reconcile", she'd throw a line and see if I bite. I know in this situation it's at least 95% chance that's not the case, and I'm not going into it believing we'll reconcile.

 

You've all given solid advice (all of which I've massively appreciated) but I'd hate myself if I didn't meet up and it was that 0-5% line that she was throwing.

 

I guess I'm looking to see if she wants to talk about the relationship (like she said she planned to after a bit of time). And if this is the case then at least I can get a bit of closure and find it easier to close that door.

 

Sounds like you're making up excuses for her. She may not be the type to say "let's reconcile," but that doesn't mean you bring it up. She can bring it up. She has the full capacity to do it.

 

You're looking for one thing. She's looking for another. Like everyone has mentioned, just get your camera back. I wouldn't even bother with 30 minutes, let alone 15 minutes. If she wants the drink, she can ask you.

 

Also, you will not get any further closure from what she says. You will get answers to some questions, only to be left with further questions. That cycle is a vicious one. You are the one to end it. You are the answer to your own closure.

 

Wishing you the best and that you can listen to all the advice given. I really think everyone is looking out for you. (No one wants you to come back and tell us how your heart is broken even further from what transpired at the meeting).

[Dandannydandan]

Wishing you the best and that you can listen to all the advice given. I really think everyone is looking out for you. (No one wants you to come back and tell us how your heart is broken even further from what transpired at the meeting).

 

Thanks WhatDeww (and everyone!)

 

Although I've decided to go against the majority and meet up, thanks to you guys I have a clearer and more accurate idea of what to expect (and not expect), and I really appreciate the help.

 

It's almost show time, so I'll be sure to update everyone with how it goes.

[Dandannydandan]

Ok so here's how it went.

 

Pretty much as how I and everyone expected.

 

We chatted about general stuff (nothing relationship-esque).

 

It was mostly the same type of conversation we would normally have (in the better times) albeit a bit awkward for obvious reasons. She got teary when we touched on anything sentimental and I let her talk about her life without giving too much of my own away.

 

She got alot drunker and quicker than me (it used to be the opposite) so I put her in a cab home. We had a quick kiss on the lips but there wasn't much to it.

 

From what she told me I gather she's been a bit isolated since we broke up, staying in a lot and (obviously) drinking less and going out less. It was good because I was imagining her having a perfect life and thinking nothing of me (she said she had been worried about me, even moreso after she found out I'd blocked her).

 

Nevertheless it was good seeing her and although it almost certainly confirmed my friendzone I'm glad I did it.

 

If she messages tomorrow I'm going to send something along the lines of:

 

"It was good to see you too and thanks again for returning my camera.

 

I can't be just friends with you, please only contact me if you would like something more."

[1fish2fish]

 

If she messages tomorrow I'm going to send something along the lines of:

 

"It was good to see you too and thanks again for returning my camera.

 

I can't be just friends with you, please only contact me if you would like something more."

 

 

Please don't.

 

IF she does message you, and IF you must respond, just stick with the first sentence.

[Kitchen]

Please don't.

 

IF she does message you, and IF you must respond, just stick with the first sentence.

 

Ditto +1 agreed

[Dandannydandan]

Please don't.

 

IF she does message you, and IF you must respond, just stick with the first sentence.

 

I just don't want her to get the idea that we can just be friends.

 

Is there any way I can tell her that to prevent her from messaging me as "friends", IF she messages.