[Dilemma with bff]

[BaileyB]

When I read your posts, the phrase "paralysis by analysis" comes to my mind... Most people just don't analyze relationships this way.

 

I'm sorry that the relationship is ending because I can appreciate that you may be sad about this. But, it's probably from the best. It sounded unhealthy. Personally, I find his response unsettling... I would never want to be with someone who thinks that they know what I think and how I feel, better than I do... This guy really needs to develop healthy boundaries in relationships.

 

Best wishes.

Edited April 16, 2017 by BaileyB

[cae88]

I feel like any response I give will be perceived by him as me being defensive or seem like I am being attacked.

 

I told him that I can and have been vulnerable, but being vulnerable is not something I do very often... and maybe the level at which I express myself with him is not enough...and against most of the advice of you all, I also told him in my message that I was open to improving our communication and he could let me know what he had in mind. I don't know where he got the interpretation that I was of the mindset that I "just don't open up myself like that".

 

As you all can see, he also told me he loves me romantically...and I know I have to address that, but knowing how he is, I am now afraid that me saying that I don't feel that way will push him over the edge, especially since he has been depressed.

 

I cried about it, but I will let him know that though I am saddened by it, I will respect his wishes on wanting to take a break. I will let him know that I am always here for him if he needs me.

[BaileyB]

Walk away... Relationships shouldn't be this hard and people who love each other don't put the kind of pressure on each other...

 

You shouldn't have to explain yourself, prove yourself, make yourself vulnerable, analyze the other person and your relationship in the way that you do.

 

I say this with kindness, but he sounds depressed and honestly, really creepy... and, you both seem to be wrapped up in a very codependent and unhealthy relationship which lacks appropriate boundaries...

 

Healthy relationships, even friendships, should be easy and you should have fun together. There is nothing easy or fun about what you are doing to each other. If you insist on continuing to analyze your relationship and change yourself to be what he wants and thinks that you should be... well then, you will be settling for a lifetime of unhappiness and stress. I can't imagine anything worse.

[Imajerk17]

As I said earlier in this thread (but was edited out, I am not sure why, it is quite relevant to the topic, here and your other threads you seem to need to rescue peoole) you sound codependent OP. I think that advice holds double after reading your update. People told you to take a step back but instead you offered to try the "Pillow Method" (whatever that is).

 

Him distancing himself from you is actually the right thing to do. As he is romantically interested in you but you aren't in him (is that right OP?) he needs time and space to get over you.

[BaileyB]

As I said earlier in this thread (but was edited out, I am not sure why, it is quite relevant to the topic, here and your other threads you seem to need to rescue peoole) you sound codependent OP. I think that advice holds double after reading your update. People told you to take a step back but instead you offered to try the "Pillow Method" (whatever that is).

 

Absolutely. When someone tells you that they want to take a break, your response should NOT be to tell that person that you want to work on your communication and that you are willing to change to be what they want.

 

This is a codependent response at its best... But, he will likely respond and you will continue to go around, and around, and around...

 

Let him go. He is doing the right thing. You don't want the same thing and the relationship you have has become unhealthy for you both.

[stillafool]

Of course he isn't going to feel good about being rejected. However at this point it is unfair to him not to be honest and let him know a romantic relationship with him is not going to happen. Just tell him the truth and stop beating around the bush wasting more of his time.

[cae88]

After I send my reply, I will put some distance between us, give him space and try to start accepting that our friendship will likely end.

 

BaileyB, when I told him I was willing to work on our communication, that was a month ago in response to his message to me in my first post in this thread, not my response after him requesting a break this morning.

 

Does this sound ok or is it too much?:

 

Regarding me opening up, I didn't say I "just don't open up myself like that", I said that I am able to be vulnerable, but it is not something I do very often. Last year I shared something with you that I have only shared with my mom. I shared with you that my life felt stagnant and I was striving to bridge the gap between my life then and how I want it to be in the future. I shared that I wanted to figure out where my place in the world is. I also shared with you that I am sensitive and I cry easily (non of my friends really know this) and I told you about my _____________, which has been an insecurity of mine since I was a teen. I am just giving those as examples to say I have been vulnerable and trusted you enough to share things that I have not shared with others.

 

I am not claiming to be happy all the time. I do express gratitude everyday (which always helps to have a happier and more positive life) and I try to look at my days (no matter how mundane or uneventful a particular day might be) through a positive lens. The times you have asked if I am ok, the majority of the time I really am feeling ok... or even if I am not completely, I am on my way to getting there and being in that headspace.

 

Our friendship means so much to me. I would never say that you have failed as a best friend. Though I don't have romantic feelings, I don't hate you because of the way you feel about me either. That couldn't be further from the truth. I am sorry to know that things happened to you over the past few months that you didn't feel as though you could talk to me about, but I just wanted to let you know that your perception that I am not comfortable with you around is not true.

 

It makes me sad what this has come down to, but I will respect your request that you want to take a break.

 

P.S. I hope what I have said did not come off a defensive or that I was being attacked.

Edited April 16, 2017 by cae88

[BaileyB]

I'm sorry cae88, I misunderstood.

 

There is nothing wrong with what you've written. You have every right to express yourself however you want to express yourself, and you shouldn't have to defend yourself to anyone.

 

I can appreciate how you may want to clear up any misunderstandings as you say goodbye to a friend. I'm sure it's hard, but it is for the best because you clearly want different things from this relationship.

 

You seem like you have a very kind and good heart. Best of luck to you.

Edited April 16, 2017 by BaileyB

[OatsAndHall]

If I were you, I wouldn't just be uncomfortable with his continued advances but also the way he is going about it. He is using a lot of psychological jargon in a manipulative manner which I find creepy.

 

This is always a tough call... But, I would put some serious distance between the two of you if he can't figure out that "No." is a full sentence.

 

I have a friend that I have mentioned in previous thread that I am close to. I realized that there is a part of me that has romantic feelings for her over the last few months. However, I won't tell her that I have some of these feelings as I value her friendship and I'm not going screw things up.

[stillafool]

After I send my reply, I will put some distance between us, give him space and try to start accepting that our friendship will likely end.

 

BaileyB, when I told him I was willing to work on our communication, that was a month ago in response to his message to me in my first post in this thread, not my response after him requesting a break this morning.

 

Does this sound ok or is it too much?:

 

Regarding me opening up, I didn't say I "just don't open up myself like that", I said that I am able to be vulnerable, but it is not something I do very often. Last year I shared something with you that I have only shared with my mom. I shared with you that my life felt stagnant and I was striving to bridge the gap between my life then and how I want it to be in the future. I shared that I wanted to figure out where my place in the world is. I also shared with you that I am sensitive and I cry easily (non of my friends really know this) and I told you about my _____________, which has been an insecurity of mine since I was a teen. I am just giving those as examples to say I have been vulnerable and trusted you enough to share things that I have not shared with others.

 

I am not claiming to be happy all the time. I do express gratitude everyday (which always helps to have a happier and more positive life) and I try to look at my days (no matter how mundane or uneventful a particular day might be) through a positive lens. The times you have asked if I am ok, the majority of the time I really am feeling ok... or even if I am not completely, I am on my way to getting there and being in that headspace.

 

Our friendship means so much to me. I would never say that you have failed as a best friend. Though I don't have romantic feelings, I don't hate you because of the way you feel about me either. That couldn't be further from the truth. I am sorry to know that things happened to you over the past few months that you didn't feel as though you could talk to me about, but I just wanted to let you know that your perception that I am not comfortable with you around is not true.

 

It makes me sad what this has come down to, but I will respect your request that you want to take a break.

 

P.S. I hope what I have said did not come off a defensive or that I was being attacked.

 

I don't see anything wrong with what you've written.

[cae88]

I'm sorry cae88, I misunderstood.

 

There is nothing wrong with what you've written. You have every right to express yourself however you want to express yourself, and you shouldn't have to defend yourself to anyone.

 

I can appreciate how you may want to clear up any misunderstandings as you say goodbye to a friend. I'm sure it's hard, but it is for the best because you clearly want different things from this relationship.

 

You seem like you have a very kind and good heart. Best of luck to you.

 

Thank you, BaileyB

[cae88]

I just want to give you guys a quick update.

 

He responded. He said that I didn't come across as defensive and he wants me to know that it's not permanent, but he just needed to understand what is going on not just with how he is seeing things, and with us in general

 

He also said that the last few years have done a number on him, so he has things to work on too, but he will find me when he is more himself.

 

He signed off with a "Love, *his nickname*"

 

I'm not going to read too deeply into his response. Whether it is permanent or not, I will try my best to prepare myself either way

[BaileyB]

I just want to give you guys a quick update.

 

He responded. He said that I didn't come across as defensive and he wants me to know that it's not permanent, but he just needed to understand what is going on not just with how he is seeing things, and with us in general

 

He also said that the last few years have done a number on him, so he has things to work on too, but he will find me when he is more himself.

 

He signed off with a "Love, *his nickname*"

 

I'm not going to read too deeply into his response. Whether it is permanent or not, I will try my best to prepare myself either way

 

I would kindly suggest that you move forward with your life. Meet new people, make new friends, date someone else - and you will see how strange this man and this relationship is when you find someone else to date. Just chose wisely - someone who is healthy, kind, fun, and makes you feel good about yourself. Have fun!

[OatsAndHall]

I just want to give you guys a quick update.

 

He responded. He said that I didn't come across as defensive and he wants me to know that it's not permanent, but he just needed to understand what is going on not just with how he is seeing things, and with us in general

 

He also said that the last few years have done a number on him, so he has things to work on too, but he will find me when he is more himself.

 

He signed off with a "Love, *his nickname*"

 

I'm not going to read too deeply into his response. Whether it is permanent or not, I will try my best to prepare myself either way

 

As others have stated, I would just move on from the situation. It's hard when you've had a deep bond with someone for a long time. But, in the end, this friendship is causing a lot of drama and it wouldn't be worth it to me. I think you're setting yourself up for my heartache if he reestablishes contact and you go with it.

[kendahke]

I would rather set boundaries and express to him that I am confused about the way he has been communicating with me because it feels romantic in nature. Then hear what he says about it. If he confirms that he has a romantic interest/wants more, I will have to be truthful with him and distance myself.

 

I don’t want to hurt his feelings, but I also don’t want to hurt mine. I will be sad if I lose his friendship. Honestly, he is my closest friend. I don’t have many people in my life who I can call friends.

 

 

OK, so which is it?

[cae88]

Thanks BaileyB and OatsandHall. I will try my best to get out of my comfort zone (introvert here), meet new people and move on from all of this. I have been thinking about the entire thing for the past few days and I must say that it feels hurtful that in a sense I was made to feel as if me not opening up (being transparent, emotionally intimate, vulnerable) was the problem that has lead to this 'break'.

 

If he said to me that he wanted to take a break or end the friendship because he feels that we want different things and he realizes that I don't feel the same way (romantically) he feels about me, I would have a better understanding, but to say and make me feel like I am uncomfortable around him and I don't trust him because I will not open up, express my needs to him, or communicate emotionally in the way he wants me to is really tough.

Edited April 19, 2017 by cae88

[cae88]

I feel like reaching out to him today.

 

@ kendahke. It's a catch-22. I did not want to give him false hope but I also did not want to lose our friendship, which I really value. It's very difficult because I care about him deeply. Ultimately, I was truthful in my message to him on Saturday. I told him that my feelings are not romantic

[GemmaUK]

Thanks BaileyB and OatsandHall. I will try my best to get out of my comfort zone (introvert here), meet new people and move on from all of this. I have been thinking about the entire thing for the past few days and I must say that it feels hurtful that in a sense I was made to feel as if me not opening up (being transparent, emotionally intimate, vulnerable) was the problem that has lead to this 'break'.

 

If he said to me that he wanted to take a break or end the friendship because he feels that we want different things and he realizes that I don't feel the same way (romantically) he feels about me, I would have a better understanding, but to say and make me feel like I am uncomfortable around him and I don't trust him because I will not open up, express my needs to him, or communicate emotionally in the way he wants me to is really tough.

 

You do know he is guilt tripping you, right?

He's being manipulative.

[cae88]

What was said to me 3+ weeks ago has ran across my mind daily. I can’t help but to wonder how he is doing, but I came here to post instead.

[cae88]

I got accepted into a program overseas, thousands of miles away. I actually received my acceptance letter a few days after the message my friend sent to me (in post # 49)

 

Only my parents and sister knew that I applied for this program. I didn't tell my friends my plan. I decided that I'd tell them if I get accepted.

 

Does anyone have suggestions on how I can go about telling him? For me, this is tricky because he asked for a break which implies that he doesn't want to communicate with me...but I cannot not tell him right?

[cae88]

I spoke with a friend. They didn't specify when, but suggested that I let him know sooner rather than later. They said something to the effect of, if I tell him too late, he might not forgive me for it.

 

Does anyone have any input? I don't want to start overthinking this

[ben1994]

Personally i would tell him, you obviously care about him a lot and i think you might regret it if you don't.

 

I've been in your friends position and my best friend moved away, it was probably the best thing that could have happened. We are still close and still consider each other best friends but it just allowed me time not to be totally in love with her all of the time.

 

I think as well your friend has been unreasonable at times as people have said already

Edited May 11, 2017 by ben1994

[cae88]

Personally i would tell him, you obviously care about him a lot and i think you might regret it if you don't.

 

I've been in your friends position and my best friend moved away, it was probably the best thing that could have happened. We are still close and still consider each other best friends but it just allowed me time not to be totally in love with her all of the time.

 

I think as well your friend has been unreasonable at times as people have said already

 

Thank you Ben. I appreciate your response.

 

I do care about him a lot. I spoke to him briefly on the weekend, but he was very brief with me. I don't know when to tell him, but I will.

[cae88]

He contacted me on Saturday to tell me that with Mother's day approaching he wanted to send my mom some love and wish her a happy Mother's day (followed by a smily face at the end of the message). He has sent my mom Mothers day wishes in the past, so this is nothing new. I responded by thanking him and saying that I'll let her know on Sunday and I wish the same for his mom as well. He then asked me if I am ok otherwise. I told him that I was and that I was relaxing and watching some youtube videos. He responded by saying 'Nice (smiley face)'

 

I then said to him that I hope he is ok. He said 'in full one day at a time mode'. So I said to him that it's good to adopt that outlook to not get too immersed in ones thoughts and just take each day as it comes little by little. No response.

 

The next day I told him that my mom said thanks for the wishes and she appreciated it. He responded by saying 'Of course' (with a smiley face and a heart). And that was it.

 

It seemed that even though he was seemingly trying to be friendly (with the smiley faces) he kept his responses to the very minimum

[cae88]

Hey there. I posted recently about a turning point between myself (F) and my best friend (M), whereby he ultimately told me that he thought it's best we take a break from each other. You can read about it here: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/616214-dilemma-bff

 

I haven't deleted him or anything like that, so I have been seeing what he has been posting, particularly on whatsapp. Among the most concerning things, he posted a status message of a snippet of a very emotionally dark poem depicting a (selfless) person (the poem is from their pov) expressing the emotional turmoil they were going through as they were being used by a person they loved. Despite being used, they allowed it to happen even though they felt from day one the person using them was going to leave them in the end. Another status message stated something about being "Buried/Burdened by the mistakes of the past" and now most recently, he posted a black profile photo (it's hard not to notice a completely black circle when you're scrolling) with a message saying "Unavailable until further notice".

 

As a side note, I also found out recently that he did not get to sit his final exams this semester due to financial strains (which I told him I am sorry to hear about).

 

It's hard sitting back and seeing all of this. A small part of me wonders if he is trying to reach out for help/attention, not necessarily from me, but generally. With all that was said in my last thread, is it a bad idea to reach out to him, not to have a conversation, but just to let him know I am thinking of him/care. Or is it best to just leave it alone?