I think its an affair SO thinks it isn't

[WhereToNext]

keep a VAR (voice activated recorder) on you at all times.

 

Where is your son now?

 

Why do you not file charges on her?

 

Time to get her out of your life. Tell her to leave and never come back.

 

Me, SO and our son are living in our marital home at the moment.

 

There are no charges to file. I'm in Canada, I'm well aware of the law and there is nothing applicable here.

 

I'll be the one leaving shortly. I don't want to be looking around this place and the memories associated with it.

[lolablue17]

Prior to that, I cut off any type of in person encounter with her. She said to me outside early in week 1 of this affair that she could put me away for a long time. That could only mean one thing, false charges.

 

So, you're asking us aמ insight about an small argument with her, whether what she's done is defined as an affair or not, but you forget to tell us that this women was threatening to put you in jail with false charges?

 

Are you serious? This is the woman you want to be with?

[WhereToNext]

No I don't want to be with her. I love her but I shouldn't.

 

She has this excuse she calls having no filter. Really what it is is abusive behavior. Mental and verbal. Anytime she gets angry which is a lot then its no filter time. I've been trying to get her to stop it for a long time. I'm the only one who ever brings it up. She will say she shouldn't do it but then its back again. That threat of fake charges is related to this behavior I believe.

[Try]

That threat of fake charges is related to this behavior I believe.

It is not just a "threat of fake charges", when in fact she already has called the police on you with fake charges.

 

Before moving out, speak to a lawyer to determine if moving out will hurt you when it comes to your child visitation rights, or your primary custody rights if that is what you are seeking because the other man is a bad influence for your child to be around. Also, have the attorney pull the other man's full criminal record, as it may contain information that would indicate how much of a threat he is to the wellbeing of your son.

[WhereToNext]

It is not just a "threat of fake charges", when in fact she already has called the police on you with fake charges.

 

Before moving out, speak to a lawyer to determine if moving out will hurt you when it comes to your child visitation rights, or your primary custody rights if that is what you are seeking because the other man is a bad influence for your child to be around. Also, have the attorney pull the other man's full criminal record, as it may contain information that would indicate how much of a threat he is to the wellbeing of your son.

 

 

I took that threat pretty seriously. Removed myself from any chance of us being anywhere together. Even picking up or dropping off my son, I stayed in my car at the end of the driveway. My son walked to my car and got in. No verbal communication what so ever between me and the cheater. Those were the rules I stuck to. Txt or email communication only. No voice via phone or in person.

 

Not a lot in this case a lawyer can do besides take your money. Shes not currently seeing DD but that may change pretty quick. She doesn't know what she wants. History of flip flopping on decisions all the time. My advice to anyone is if possible, keep the cops and the courts out of this or things can get ugly in a hurry and there is no backing out. A lot of people who have gone thru this will strongly advise that. Try to work out custody ect. Use those other tools as a last resort.

[aliveagain]

Friend, in Canada the law is all about the children, I too live in Canada. I agree with harrybrown, carry a voice activated recorder ($50-$75 at BestBuy or the Source, they charge a little more) anytime you are around her. She will file false charges against you when she's ready to get you out of the house.

 

You are not married, your renting, the guy she's banging in your bed sounds like a walking cesspool of nasty's(remember, they always lie about using protection), what's so special about her? Talk to your judge friend, ask for an opinion of they think is your best option of getting custody of your child because she is making some very dangerous decisions regarding your child. Document every single detail of all she and other man are doing specially regarding your child, having to sleep on the floor next to the bed that mom is cheating on dad is sick. Your child can't defend himself, mom won't so it is up to you. She is very bad wife material.

[lolablue17]

She has this excuse she calls having no filter. Really what it is is abusive behavior. Mental and verbal. Anytime she gets angry which is a lot then its no filter time. I've been trying to get her to stop it for a long time. I'm the only one who ever brings it up. She will say she shouldn't do it but then its back again. That threat of fake charges is related to this behavior I believe.

 

believe me, I have it too. Sometimes in the heat of the moment I tell my wife things you couldn't believe. She knows me. BUT - I have never threatened her with violence, I have never threatened with divorce, Never threatened with my options with other women...

 

For grown ups there are limits that can't be allowed to cross. for example, threatening with murder cannot be treated as "something you say in a heat of a moment", right?

 

You know who uses this excuse? Violent husbands. They say they lose control for a minute and can't control themselves. But it was proven that violent husband know very well how to control themselves when they are facing a huge size man who is much stronger than them. They can't control themselves only when they are facing a woman who are physically weaker. So this excuse is lame and cannot be accepted.

[WhereToNext]

Friend, in Canada the law is all about the children, I too live in Canada. I agree with harrybrown, carry a voice activated recorder ($50-$75 at BestBuy or the Source, they charge a little more) anytime you are around her. She will file false charges against you when she's ready to get you out of the house.

 

You are not married, your renting, the guy she's banging in your bed sounds like a walking cesspool of nasty's(remember, they always lie about using protection), what's so special about her? Talk to your judge friend, ask for an opinion of they think is your best option of getting custody of your child because she is making some very dangerous decisions regarding your child. Document every single detail of all she and other man are doing specially regarding your child, having to sleep on the floor next to the bed that mom is cheating on dad is sick. Your child can't defend himself, mom won't so it is up to you. She is very bad wife material.

 

This all happened 6 months ago. She isn't seeing him at the moment. Custody for me is not an option. I work nights and don't have anyone who could care for my son while I'm working. Its not an option at all. What she could expose him to in the future? Who knows but if last September is any indication, I feel very bad for my son.

 

Speaking of which.

 

Last around the middle of Sept. I took him to McD's cause he wanted to. Got our food at the counter and was on our way to sit and eat. He was fine before that. He accidently dropped the bun from his hamburger on the floor. I told him its no big deal, we can get another one. He had a melt down, hysterically crying. Totally out of character for him. I immediately knew why. His life was completely upside down and he didn't understand why. He's only 5. I will never forget how bad that made me feel. I was holding back tears in the middle of McDonalds trying to comfort my son who is having a complete melt down cause his mother puts her own selfish needs before every one elses.

 

At around the same time, I'm asking his teachers if they see any difference in my son. The same type of thing that happened at McDonalds happened handing a teacher a sheet of paper. The teacher and I quickly put two and two together. His world as he knew it was destroyed. All the whole time, SO is saying he is fine. I'm saying her reckless behavior is screwing with our sons head. Stop thinking about yourself. She to this day thinks every thing she did is fine. Like hell it is.

[WhereToNext]

believe me, I have it too. Sometimes in the heat of the moment I tell my wife things you couldn't believe. She knows me. BUT - I have never threatened her with violence, I have never threatened with divorce, Never threatened with my options with other women...

 

For grown ups there are limits that can't be allowed to cross. for example, threatening with murder cannot be treated as "something you say in a heat of a moment", right?

 

You know who uses this excuse? Violent husbands. They say they lose control for a minute and can't control themselves. But it was proven that violent husband know very well how to control themselves when they are facing a huge size man who is much stronger than them. They can't control themselves only when they are facing a woman who are physically weaker. So this excuse is lame and cannot be accepted.

 

Its wrong and should be common sense it has no place in a healthy relationship is thats what the goal is. In my SO's case, she thinks thats the way to "win" I don't see an argument or disagreement as winning or losing. Telling me she left me for someone else cause he is a better f**k as she just did helps nothing. It's just meant to hurt, serves no purpose what so ever. Its abuse, nothing more.

[spanz1]

she had a physical affair, and later when the guy got bored with her and dumped her, she came crawling back to you so she would have a cozy place to live. It is not hard to understand.

 

 

It WILL happen again with the first guy who compliments her.

 

 

And her taking your kid to watch her cheating with a drunkard? Not mom material.

 

 

Divorce, and try to get 100% custody of the kid.

[WhereToNext]

she had a physical affair, and later when the guy got bored with her and dumped her, she came crawling back to you so she would have a cozy place to live. It is not hard to understand.

 

 

It WILL happen again with the first guy who compliments her.

 

 

And her taking your kid to watch her cheating with a drunkard? Not mom material.

 

 

Divorce, and try to get 100% custody of the kid.

 

She dumped him when she thought I had someone else. I didn't. She flip flops on everything. Doesn't know what she wants.

 

She is attractive and thrives on attention. She loves to tell stories of all the guys that were interested in her that day. Says of how disgusted she is by them. Really what she is doing is bragging about it but trying to pretend she don't like the attention. She lives for it. Im not insecure, shes never gotten a rise out of me by doing it.

[WhereToNext]

It probably would happen again. Cheaters generally have some underlying problem like insecurity or greed. They always try to blame you and will come up with some BS excuse to justify their disgusting behavior. Most never just do it one time. It's a life long problem.

 

In this case, I think the underlying cause is greed. Ive never seen her put anyone elses needs before her own. Ever. Doesn't seem to even take into account how her actions could affect anyone else. It's all about her.

 

I've been thru this 1 time before. 13 year relationship. That one I believe to be insecurity.

 

I came out of the last one unscarred, no trust issues carried into the next relationship ect. It was tough but I got over it and learned a lot about my self and relationships. I'll do the same again. Just wish the next 6 months will fly by. What I do have an issue with is coping. It seems to take a bigger emotional toll on me than other people.

[DDTA]

So, let me see if I get this straight. You tell the police the what was actually going on and they believe you because you provided evidence of DD's texts AND as you stated -

 

Around here false charged will get laid by the police and quite possibly thrown out of court a year later. What also happens is a restraining order for that period. So if I am charged with some fake nonsense, I can't see my son for a whole year. In the case of that judges son, it happened 34 times.

 

So the police there knows the system gets abused by people like your SO. As a result -

 

Mr DD is likely under probation and disappeared in a hurry out of here that evening. Even left a bunch of his stuff behind.

 

Probably because he actually is on probation and the police probably got in touch with that a-hole's probation officer and told him/her what shenanigans DD was up to. Probation officer probably gave DD a call and a little scare. And then -

 

Cops chewed out SO and told her what she was doing was reckless. Keep DD out our our matrimonial home.

 

As a result -

 

By saturday she had patched up what ever disagreement they had and was back with him for the weekend at his place.

 

Yes, back at HIS place where HE can control things. You had a chance to change the locks on the door of your home. Oh well.... But then this -

 

Because of that, childrens aid gets involved. I thnk the cops altered the story a little so they would get involved. They said that our son had seen SO and DD have sex. I never told them that or ever heard my son say it. What I did say is what my son told me about his sleeping arrangements. Mommy and DD slept in the bed and my 5 year old son slept on the floor next to them. I was disgusted. Childrens aid investigated and after I straitened out what the police had set, the investigation was dropped. SO at that time was quite worried about loosing our son and for what reasons I'm not really aware of.

 

What exactly did you "straighten" out with Children's aid? It sounded like the police were doing you a favor by giving you leverage in getting custody of your son by getting involved.

 

IMO, the hell with your SO. She has proven to be a failure as a mother by her 28yr old daughter and she is proving it again with your 5yr old son. Other than being "attractive" as you say, what other redeeming quality does she have that will add to the relationship for you AND your son? Your SO is a grown-assed woman who should know better than to pick people by how good they ****. She is showing you who she really is. She won't change. Please get yourself and your son into a better environment away from your SO and whatever the next diseased and formerly incarcerated jackhole she rationalizes is worth breaking up with you again. I really feel for your son. He's very likely going to have abandonment issues and needs a stable home environment and at least one stable parent (that would be you). I don't think your situation is about making things right with your SO anymore because your SO isn't "right" to begin with!

[anika99]

First of all you get yourself a freaking lawyer and file for custody (I live in Canada too and over the last 20 yrs or so it's become more routine for men to get full custody or at 50/50 custody) and then you start looking for a job that will allow you to raise your son.

 

You tell this horrible heart breaking story of your son coming unglued due to his mothers actions and at the same time you immediately dismiss the suggestion of getting custody because it would interfere with your schedule and secondly you know the law because you live in Canada, except you don't know the law because I know several men who won custody of their children under similar circumstances.

 

I realize your gf has hurt you terribly but your son's well being is on the line so this isn't the time for self pity or to weakly hand over custody of your son because you have a family court judge friend who says this and that. Take action now

[WhereToNext]

So, let me see if I get this straight. You tell the police the what was actually going on and they believe you because you provided evidence of DD's texts AND as you stated -

 

 

 

So the police there knows the system gets abused by people like your SO. As a result -

 

 

 

Probably because he actually is on probation and the police probably got in touch with that a-hole's probation officer and told him/her what shenanigans DD was up to. Probation officer probably gave DD a call and a little scare. And then -

 

 

 

As a result -

 

 

 

Yes, back at HIS place where HE can control things. You had a chance to change the locks on the door of your home. Oh well.... But then this -

 

 

 

What exactly did you "straighten" out with Children's aid? It sounded like the police were doing you a favor by giving you leverage in getting custody of your son by getting involved.

 

IMO, the hell with your SO. She has proven to be a failure as a mother by her 28yr old daughter and she is proving it again with your 5yr old son. Other than being "attractive" as you say, what other redeeming quality does she have that will add to the relationship for you AND your son? Your SO is a grown-assed woman who should know better than to pick people by how good they ****. She is showing you who she really is. She won't change. Please get yourself and your son into a better environment away from your SO and whatever the next diseased and formerly incarcerated jackhole she rationalizes is worth breaking up with you again. I really feel for your son. He's very likely going to have abandonment issues and needs a stable home environment and at least one stable parent (that would be you). I don't think your situation is about making things right with your SO anymore because your SO isn't "right" to begin with!

 

 

I had a lengthy conversation with the cop about these false charge type things. He sees them all the time. He just told me to keep doing what I've been doing. Also this ends up in the records and any future fake charges has a reference point to this report.

 

With children's aid, what I straightened out was that my son never saw anything involving sex or at least that I knew about. He never told me that. I think the cops put it in the report just to get them involved.

 

I can't change locks or can she unless she has a court order giving her or me exclusive use of the home. She would have every right to kick down the door if I did that, same for her. I'm 100% positive. My judge friend told me that and the cops told her not to do it cause she was about to.

 

My life is my son and I'll do anything humanly possible to help him in any way. I'm the same sex parent meaning I have the biggest influence on him. I want him to grow up with a healthy normal childhood so he can lead a happy productive life as an adult. So far hes an A+ student. Its been recognized he is gifted since age 3. Hes only in grade 1 and has 2 school board awards, one for empathy and the other cooperation. Most kids never get even one from K to grade 12. He is remarkable and every teacher hes had simply loves him to death. Says he can be anything he wants. That needs to continue and I'll do anything to make sure that he has all the support he needs to make that happen.

[HanGoesSolo]

Part of parenting is also showing your kids what a healthy relationship looks like. He can be as gifted as they come intellectually, but equally emotionally damaged if you don't set a better example in the department of relationships.

[WhereToNext]

Part of parenting is also showing your kids what a healthy relationship looks like. He can be as gifted as they come intellectually, but equally emotionally damaged if you don't set a better example in the department of relationships.

 

I 100% agree with that and have said it countless times myself to SO.

[HanGoesSolo]

I 100% agree with that and have said it countless times myself to SO.

 

Yet she is still your SO. So he is learning that it's OK to be walked all over by a SO. She doesn't set the example you want, and you do nothing about it except roll over and become a doormat. Empty words, false threats, and excuses to not improve your situation. You keep saying you are looking out for him, yet you stay with someone who is clearly a toxic person in his life. Or am I reading this thread wrong?

[WhereToNext]

You aren't reading it wrong. I'm getting out, there is no fixing this. She won't even admit it was an affair. She was single she thinks. None of my business. Can't fix anything if you can't even define the problem or own your own mistakes.

 

 

I was a dormat, but no more. Enough of this BS.

[CaliforniaGirl]

Me, SO and our son are living in our marital home at the moment.

 

There are no charges to file. I'm in Canada, I'm well aware of the law and there is nothing applicable here.

 

I'll be the one leaving shortly. I don't want to be looking around this place and the memories associated with it.

 

So you're going to leave your kid with this person?

[CaliforniaGirl]

It probably would happen again. Cheaters generally have some underlying problem like insecurity or greed. They always try to blame you and will come up with some BS excuse to justify their disgusting behavior. Most never just do it one time. It's a life long problem.

 

In this case, I think the underlying cause is greed. Ive never seen her put anyone elses needs before her own. Ever. Doesn't seem to even take into account how her actions could affect anyone else. It's all about her.

 

I've been thru this 1 time before. 13 year relationship. That one I believe to be insecurity.

 

I came out of the last one unscarred, no trust issues carried into the next relationship ect. It was tough but I got over it and learned a lot about my self and relationships. I'll do the same again. Just wish the next 6 months will fly by. What I do have an issue with is coping. It seems to take a bigger emotional toll on me than other people.

 

You've seen. You've never seen. You feel. You want. You came out okay. You learned. Your-self. Your issue. Your coping. Your emotional "toll." You. You. You. You want, you need, you're going to get.

 

There is a kid here in this scenario. You do realize that? A helpless five-year-old.

[WhereToNext]

So you're going to leave your kid with this person?

 

 

I have no choice. I need a new job that is during the day and then what I'd like to see is 50/50 custody. I could only take him on my days off. Most of the time, they are not even on weekends. By age 12 he can pretty much decide if he wants to live with one parent exclusively. By then my guess is he can figure out who the sane one is here and make the right choice.

[CaliforniaGirl]

I have no choice. I need a new job that is during the day and then what I'd like to see is 50/50 custody. I could only take him on my days off. Most of the time, they are not even on weekends. By age 12 he can pretty much decide if he wants to live with one parent exclusively. By then my guess is he can figure out who the sane one is here and make the right choice.

 

What about daycare?

 

That's what single moms have to arrange.

[HanGoesSolo]

More excuses I see. You can't because XYZ. You continue to make excuses why you can't change for the better. This is what I'm taking about as far as example for your kid. Do you teach your son to make excuses on why he can't ever do anything? Of course you don't directly do that right? Of course not! But indirectly you are teaching him that with the example you set. As you've already said, you are same gender roll model and all that.

 

Look man, crap happens and life isn't easy. Find new work now. Take a pay cut, it doesn't matter. DO SOMETHING! you keep making excuses for yourself and refuse to act. This is the example you set. Your son needs you to step up NOW and be a man. Stop making excuses and freaking do something better with your life. What will you say when your son makes excuses for himself to not do anything, to allow those to walk on him, to not better his life? What will you say to him if he's making excuses like you are? Be prepared for it, because as you said yourself, you set the example as the male roll model in his life. He sees an excuse factory filled with a woe is me attitude, to scared to face a tough road to prosperity. Would rather take the easy way out and make excuses for himself why he can't better his life. That's the man he sees now. Is that the man you want him to be?

 

Take some action. Your built in excuses are holding you back. Who cares if it's hard? It's the better option and you know it. But you are too afraid to do anything about it.

[WhereToNext]

More excuses I see. You can't because XYZ. You continue to make excuses why you can't change for the better. This is what I'm taking about as far as example for your kid. Do you teach your son to make excuses on why he can't ever do anything? Of course you don't directly do that right? Of course not! But indirectly you are teaching him that with the example you set. As you've already said, you are same gender roll model and all that.

 

Look man, crap happens and life isn't easy. Find new work now. Take a pay cut, it doesn't matter. DO SOMETHING! you keep making excuses for yourself and refuse to act. This is the example you set. Your son needs you to step up NOW and be a man. Stop making excuses and freaking do something better with your life. What will you say when your son makes excuses for himself to not do anything, to allow those to walk on him, to not better his life? What will you say to him if he's making excuses like you are? Be prepared for it, because as you said yourself, you set the example as the male roll model in his life. He sees an excuse factory filled with a woe is me attitude, to scared to face a tough road to prosperity. Would rather take the easy way out and make excuses for himself why he can't better his life. That's the man he sees now. Is that the man you want him to be?

 

Take some action. Your built in excuses are holding you back. Who cares if it's hard? It's the better option and you know it. But you are too afraid to do anything about it.

 

Im actively seeking a new job during the day. I have no issues with challenges. I can and have done anything I've set my mind to. I don't give up easy a all.

 

Im not about to embark on any type of legal anything right now. I'm going to try a verbal agreement that will then turn into a written agreement. As a last resort the courts.