My Story.

[CollegeKid101]

Thanks everyone.

 

Curiosity got the better of me and I rang her to see if she had blocked me or not, it rang twice and I hung up. She's replied asking what I rang for, she was being friendly enough, I sent a text back saying I had something to tell her but I'd text her later. She asked what was up and when I replied my phones not sending the message again.

 

She hasn't blocked me but her phones obviously not working properly.

 

Anyway, I was trying to text to tell her I'm moving away. I've been offered a job down south till xmas on very good money and I'm going for it, just wanted to let her know. Would have been nice to catch up as friends before I go.

 

I still love her but the reality is living with her was very hard work, she was high maintenance, we had a tiny house and while I loved him to bits her young son was exhausting sometimes, my life consisted of work, child care and more work then maybe once in a blue moon Id get half a day to myself if I was lucky. I've kinda realised I don't want to go back to that anyway. Yes in an ideal world we would date again and do things properly and move in to our own house together, not me living in hers but I accept that's highly unlikely.

 

I just think at this point it would be nice to remain friends. I'm feeling stronger tonight for some reason. The days of begging and pleading are long gone.

 

If the money is good, I would take a loss with the $3,000. Do not take her to a small claims court....that will just prolong the healing process...

 

You will never be friends and after the pain she's caused you, I doubt you'll ever see her in the same light again.

[nowhereboy]

It's been a month and a half since the split, for the first few weeks we were both in contact every few days or so. She still put lot's of kisses on the end of her texts, I told her I hadn't lost hope. I still came and visited her son once a week and thing's were looking hopeful (in my eyes anyway). I kept pushing her during phone calls, getting emotional etc and I feel like this drove her away (classic mistake I know).

 

My Dads very Ill with end stage kidney disease and this also heightened my emotional state somewhat, she knows this.

 

In the end I told her I would go no contact as I felt like she just didn't have the heart to tell me it's 100% over with no chance of reconciliation and talking to her on the phone was killing me.

 

Since then we have still ended up texting a small amount, as per my other thread it's been about money as I have a loan in my name for her.

 

I was all for going no contact and putting this whole thing in the past a few weeks ago but now I'm struggling daily, I can't focus on TV, I can't listen to the radio, I can't really function very well at all. I've been keeping busy, working out, I've had counselling and this has taught me a lot about myself and how I have contributed to the demise of our relationship.

 

I know everyone will give me hell for this but I'm just not ready to let go. I rang her by accident yesterday when my phone was in my pocket, she text straight away asking what was up and that she had just been on the phone to her mam. I told her it was a pocket ring and to ignore it. So she's not ghosting me and still replies if I get in contact.

 

I just need some advice (or possibly tough love).

 

Reasons I'm holding onto hope...

 

1. I doubt very much she would bring another man into her sons life for a long time after me, he adored me and she is a very good mother, I'm not sure obviously but I'd imagine right now she is focusing all her time onto her son and not herself. I'd never go back to her if she got with someone else, so as long as she doesn't this is something I will end up holding onto.

 

2. She was hot and cold at first, almost unsure what to do but me pushing things made it worse

 

3. I have genuinely learnt where I went wrong, the councillor is working with me on my attachment issues and insecurity, I'd love to get the chance to show her I understand my errors and I'm working on fixing them.

 

4. Her son loves me deeply and will be missing me/asking for me. I know this for a fact.

 

5. We were not just "boyfriend and girlfriend" at one point we had plans for marriage and a mortgage together, she had talked about getting a mortgage just weeks before our split. We were a proper little family.

 

Thing is she gave me the "I love you but I'm not in love with you" talk when we split, said we were more like family but the attraction had gone. I know this is a very bad sign, she was honest about not feeling quite the same about me when we got back together after the last split.

 

I can see how she lost attraction now tho and I keep thinking if I can just get her to spend some time with me I could help get it back.

 

Aside from the accidental phone call yesterday I haven't spoke to her in a week or so and intend on sticking with no contact for now. I am making a scrap book for her son for when he's older with lot's of pictures of us and I'm writing him a letter. Regardless of what happens with me and his mam I want him to have something to look back on, I want him to know I loved him and that I will always be here if he wants to see me when he's a bit older. I sent her a little money for him this month and told her to buy him something nice, I know she's struggling financially at the minute.

 

 

How hopeless is my situation?

 

I keep thinking wait a few weeks and try to initiate a meet up for a coffee or something. I have very little hope left right now so if it turns out she's with someone else or completely over me it will hurt but not come as a big shock.

 

I just want to know I've tried all I can before giving up.

[Whodatdog]

She told you how she feels when she split up with you. When people tell you how they feel, you have to believe them. Just because its not what you want to hear doesnt mean it isnt valid. Believe her.

[nowhereboy]

I wish it was that easy!

 

Thing is she told me this last time then, a week later rang me in tears saying how much she missed me, how much she loved me and that she wants me in her life.

 

When I went back last time she told me she's never felt love like this for anyone and that she just can't seem to stay away from me even tho she isn't sure we are right for each other.

 

The whole thing has been a confusing mess.

 

She's also battled with depression recently and I know sometimes it's hard to feel anything for anyone with this illness.

[Zahara]

I'm feeling stronger tonight for some reason. The days of begging and pleading are long gone.

 

You posted this 4 days ago. You broke contact and felt strong again. As with most cases, it's temporary. And this is why NC needs to stay permanent.

 

I doubt very much she would bring another man into her sons life for a long time after me, he adored me and she is a very good mother, I'm not sure obviously but I'd imagine right now she is focusing all her time onto her son and not herself. I'd never go back to her if she got with someone else, so as long as she doesn't this is something I will end up holding onto.

 

All irrelevant. You're focusing on the wrong things. The relationship is over. I know how hard it is to detach from another person's child but once the relationship is over, her life with her son is no more your concern.

 

I have genuinely learnt where I went wrong, the councillor is working with me on my attachment issues and insecurity, I'd love to get the chance to show her I understand my errors and I'm working on fixing them.

 

Nope. 1.5 months isn't enough time to rebuild your self-esteem and overcome insecurities.

 

4. Her son loves me deeply and will be missing me/asking for me. I know this for a fact.

 

Irrelevant. Children get over things a lot quicker. Yes, he will miss you and likely feel a void but they tend to move on faster than we think.

 

5. We were not just "boyfriend and girlfriend" at one point we had plans for marriage and a mortgage together, she had talked about getting a mortgage just weeks before our split. We were a proper little family.

 

Yes, most on LS have been through that same thing. Unfortunately, nothing is permanent. Relationships end.

 

Thing is she gave me the "I love you but I'm not in love with you" talk when we split.

 

Kiss of death. As a woman, once it is gone, it is gone.

 

I am making a scrap book for her son for when he's older with lot's of pictures of us and I'm writing him a letter. Regardless of what happens with me and his mam I want him to have something to look back on, I want him to know I loved him and that I will always be here if he wants to see me when he's a bit older.

 

You can make the scrap book but it would be the right thing to cut contact with the son. Let him heal and detach from you.

 

I sent her a little money for him this month and told her to buy him something nice, I know she's struggling financially at the minute.

 

Yep, this is where you need to enforce boundaries. She is none of your concern anymore. You're co-dependent. Look it up.

 

I keep thinking wait a few weeks and try to initiate a meet up for a coffee or something. I have very little hope left right now so if it turns out she's with someone else or completely over me it will hurt but not come as a big shock.

 

Yes, you've tried all you can. When someone walks away from you, LET THEM. You mentioned that you know what you did wrong. You're doing the same exact thing that you did initially to supposedly push her away. She's told you she doesn't want to be with you. Accept that. The most unattractive thing a man can do is chase a woman that does not want to be with him.

 

And, get her off the insurance. You're keeping those lifelines open because you're afraid to let go and petrified of finality.

[Zahara]

I wish it was that easy!

 

It's not easy. But it has to be done. If it were easy, LS would not exist. Most of us have been is these types of painful situations. The resolution isn't to cling for dear life but to face that pain and move on. At some point you reach for your self-respect and you push forward. What you're doing is so unattractive. You did the pushing once before and she ran the other way. This is no different. You can't seem to accept the rejection. I understand what that feels like but at some point you need to get it.

 

Cut the cord.

[nowhereboy]

Aside from continuing to help her out with the insurance I haven't been texting begging for her back etc, I don't think I've made it obvious I'm pinning for her.

 

I've made it clear I want to talk about money and tie up loose ends but never mentioned my feelings or anything.

 

I will try my best to remain in no contact now, I'll give her a few weeks to contact me to discuss money and if she doesn't I'll cancel the insurance and give her notice.

 

I'm still in denial about this whole thing and it's painfully obvious to outsiders, I get that.

[Zahara]

Aside from continuing to help her out with the insurance I haven't been texting begging for her back etc, I don't think I've made it obvious I'm pinning for her.

 

I've made it clear I want to talk about money and tie up loose ends but never mentioned my feelings or anything.

 

I will try my best to remain in no contact now, I'll give her a few weeks to contact me to discuss money and if she doesn't I'll cancel the insurance and give her notice.

 

I'm still in denial about this whole thing and it's painfully obvious to outsiders, I get that.

 

I'm not sure why you need to wait a few more weeks. That's a few more weeks of torture for you and this "money" has become your lifeline. If you want to be kind, give her a week and cut the cord. I have a feeling all this waiting and dilly dallying is your hope that something might change.

 

It's normal to be in denial. But you also need to accept your reality and stop torturing yourself.

[nowhereboy]

I'm not just keeping it running to have a connection with her, I told her when we split I don't mind helping until she's back on her feet. I like to think this makes me an honourable guy, not a walkover. Opinions differ on this obviously but I don't want to go back on my word and make it look like I was only saying things to try and get her to change her mind.

 

Besides, I know she's struggling with money and think helping out is the decent thing to do, I'd feel quite bad about leaving her with no insurance and no means to pay it.

 

The hope thing is a problem, even if I have no financial ties to her I know I will hold onto hope, hope she will change her mind, hope she will realise life was better with me in it.

 

I guess the hope will stay until there is no hope left in me, I feel like it's natural, like I can't stop it.

[Zahara]

I'm not just keeping it running to have a connection with her, I told her when we split I don't mind helping until she's back on her feet. I like to think this makes me an honourable guy, not a walkover. Opinions differ on this obviously but I don't want to go back on my word and make it look like I was only saying things to try and get her to change her mind.

 

When she chose to end with you, she chose to cease all help that you provided to her. She made a decision knowing that she will/may not receive your support anymore.

 

You are a walkover/doormat. There's nothing honorable about what you're doing. It's been 1.5 months since the spilt. If you wanted to be honorable, you could have given her two weeks and cut it off. This has been going on for too long. She's a grown woman with a child. You're not teaching her responsibility but enabling dependency. And you're doing what a co-dependent does -- taking care of everyone's needs even at the cost of his own detriment because he has to be the "nice guy".

 

Besides, I know she's struggling with money and think helping out is the decent thing to do, I'd feel quite bad about leaving her with no insurance and no means to pay it.

 

Again, this is co-dependency.

 

The hope thing is a problem, even if I have no financial ties to her I know I will hold onto hope, hope she will change her mind, hope she will realise life was better with me in it.

 

That's normal. We all go through those feelings after an ending. The difference is, you stay NC and cut all ties and deal with those emotions independently. You don't try to look for ways to meet for coffee, stay semi-NC, keep lifelines open.

[Zahara]

It became the typical egg shell situation, I became completely beta, terrified to lose her and it showed, she lost respect for me. I lost respect for myself and let her shout, swear and call me names. I became emotionally needy and desperate for her positive validations which pushed her away further. I helped her finance a car, I took a loan out for a boob job for her in my name, I was constantly trying to show her how much I care and how I was supportive of her but she couldn't see it. It became a very emotionally draining and upsetting situation, I loved her son as my own at this point and knew I stood to lose him too.

 

The sex almost stopped after her boob job, this hurt me so much as she looked amazing but didn't want to go anywhere near me.

 

Pay close attention. Realize your reality your with this woman. Instead of being "honorable", start getting smart.

Edited March 9, 2017 by Zahara

[nowhereboy]

Would you say that by being co-dependant I brought on these bad behaviours from her myself?

 

It's an unusual situation because I still had hobbies and interests outside of her and actively tried to get her to do things separate from me also.

 

I wasn't the type to bombard her with messages if she was out with the girls for example, I'd enjoy the free time.

 

Everything I've read about co-dependency kind of implies you can't do anything without the other person but I almost had the opposite problem, I wanted more time to myself.

[Zahara]

I put the band on the back burner, stopped seeing my friends and devoted myself to her.

 

I'm not sure what else to tell you.

 

Maybe you need to get knocked over the head several more times before you find your backbone. Sometimes we need to get trampled upon over and over again before we learn that valuable lesson.

[nowhereboy]

See I've never dated a woman with kids before, never lived with a woman before. So I guess I never knew how many of her expectations where realistic and how many were unfair.

 

She would often tell me "this is an adult relationship, I have a child, you can't expect to keep living the same life you had before me" etc.

 

I didn't see it as me sacrificing my own needs at the time, I saw it as being a grown up and putting family first etc.

 

It's a complicated situation because many of my biggest problems in life have been down to playing in a band and the rather crazy lifestyle that goes with it, so leaving it behind for a good woman seemed like the right thing to do.

[Zahara]

See I've never dated a woman with kids before, never lived with a woman before. So I guess I never knew how many of her expectations where realistic and how many were unfair.

 

She would often tell me "this is an adult relationship, I have a child, you can't expect to keep living the same life you had before me" etc.

 

I didn't see it as me sacrificing my own needs at the time, I saw it as being a grown up and putting family first etc.

 

It's a complicated situation because many of my biggest problems in life have been down to playing in a band and the rather crazy lifestyle that goes with it, so leaving it behind for a good woman seemed like the right thing to do.

 

Grown ups have a life outside of their relationships as well. If you had some funny stuff going on in your band or with friends, you could have enforced some boundaries for yourself and still had that be a part of your life. But just because she gave you some heat, you let it all go and devoted yourself to playing daddy and husband.

 

Look, I don't know what kind of woman borrows money from her friends and family and is okay having her boyfriend take a loan that she clearly CANNOT pay for just to have her boobs done when she can't even finance her own insurance. That in itself says a lot about her.

 

Cut her from the insurance and move on from this.

Edited March 9, 2017 by Zahara

[nowhereboy]

I did enforce boundaries, as I stated in my first post I lied about drug use in the early days of our relationship. She was absolutely heart broken at the time and very nearly called it off.

 

After this issue I never took anything again but the trust issues were planted in her. I only have myself to blame for that. I still went to practice once a week but she was always visibly uncomfortable about it.

 

Months later down the line some idiot from work told one of her friends I was "bad news", that I love myself, play in a band and think I'm gods gift to woman, that I'm flirting with everyone at work and possibly sleeping with someone else etc. It was completely fabricated and I still have no idea where the info came from. Granted I was a different person years before meeting her but it seemed like my past image came back to haunt me somehow.

 

It's just so sad, she became so worried I was a bad egg and I'm honestly not, I'm soft as anything which is obvious when reading my post's.

 

This is where the imbalance started and our problems began.

[VeveCakes]

I think you are forgetting that she wouldn't even sleep with you. Why on earth are you chasing a relationship where you basically did all the work and got NOTHING in return.

 

Want her back so bad so you can continue getting rejected when you try and even touch her?

 

Focus on the facts, not the emotions.

[nowhereboy]

It's funny you say that because I completely felt that way towards the end.

 

It's strange as our sex life was amazing up until the last 6 month or so, I won't go into detail but I know she was satisfied.

 

In the end the only time I got any closeness was when she would rest her head on chest and ask for hair strokes until she fell asleep. The sad thing is I loved her so deeply in those moments this was enough.

 

Obviously I don't want to go back to that but I'm not daft, I know I did contribute towards this happening. She told me time and time again I was too much, too clingy and needy. She said I pushed her into behaving like this due to feeling so smothered all the time. I should have backed off when she started showing the warning signs of this but I didn't.

 

I had my reasons for not doing so, because I also have needs that have to be met and as you say I did a lot for her so I was getting resentful that she wasn't showing me the love and affection I needed.

[nowhereboy]

edited as too much personal info given away

Edited March 10, 2017 by nowhereboy

[nowhereboy]

Update.

 

I haven't made contact with her since the start of this month and up until today had been doing much better.

 

I've been getting my social life back, going to gigs, focusing on the band and working hard. I still thought about her every day but I started to get hours or so at a time where she wasn't on my mind, actually last weekend I barely thought about her at all.

 

For some reason I just woke up feeling rubbish today, not back to square one rubbish but rubbish non the less. It doesn't help that I'm off work today and have absolutely nothing to do. I miss her terribly right now and I thought I was getting past that. From what I've read on here this is normal.

 

I've learnt that contacting her only serves to make me feel worse so I haven't bothered. I'm not going to pay for her insurance next month and still need to talk to her to ask about money etc, I just can't bring myself to text her about it. The last contact we had she said she would text about these things later but never has.

 

I want to wait for her to text me about this as I feel like I'm making myself vulnerable by texting first. At the same time it's hanging over me and causing me stress.

 

Don't know what to do?

[Steffi]

Have you anything written down stating she is going to pay you for the loan?

 

I hope so or you may have to right that one off.....unless

 

she is willing to come up with a figure she can afford to pay you now, increasing when she is in a better position. Try and keep it business like and get something in writing. You need to be more assertive.

 

As for the relationship I personally don't think there is a likely hood there will be a happy reunion, best to move on.

[nowhereboy]

No written agreement unfortunately.

 

I moved back in with my dad after the split and while I'm comfortable enough now I will not be able to afford my own place while paying her loan each month, she knows this and I was always sure she wouldn't drop me in it but I'm starting to wonder. She did say when we split up that she would not let me down for the money and that she wouldn't feel comfortable about me paying it for her. I'm not daft tho and I know people can change after a break up.

 

Thankfully I'll be working away soon anyway and my company is paying for accommodation etc so in the short term this won't be too much of a problem.

 

I will text her later today and just get this over and done with, I'll just ask if shes serious about paying me back anything. I don't mind keeping her insurance running as long as she gives me the money for it, I'll let her know this too. The thought of texting her is causing some anxiety because she's been so distant her complete lack of emotion hurts like hell when we talk.

[nowhereboy]

Worth a mention that I'm really surprised she hasn't made contact to get these loose ends tied up.

 

She's the type of person who likes things to be dealt with and sorted, I wouldn't have thought she's happy about having this hanging over us either.

[breadbin]

You need to forget her man! Stop thinking about her. You've put yourself under so much stress already. See how I said you! You can stop feeling rubbish. Time will come and you will look back and wonder why you let her treat you like this. I went through the exact same thing as you. Nearly exactly the same. Single mother, me like a big child, word for word.she never took money from me though. Well nothing like 3000 but I probably would have given it to her if she asked.

 

You have to forget about the money. It's only money. You'll make that back in a couple weeks. Concentrate on your dad. Look after him, love him, spend time with him. Get back thinking about other women. Don't dare wait until she texts you. Don't even reply to her if she does. I'm angry at her now because she treated you like that. Mine did the same to me. I got the power back once I started ignoring her 'breadcrumbs'. Ignored all her texts and calls and I feel good about myself again.

 

No contact is the way you need to go. I promise. Do it for yourself. I know it's hard, really hard. It took me 5 months to wake up.

[Marc878]

Worth a mention that I'm really surprised she hasn't made contact to get these loose ends tied up.

 

She's the type of person who likes things to be dealt with and sorted, I wouldn't have thought she's happy about having this hanging over us either.

 

It's apparent you're in denial of who/what she is. She played you and now that she took you she's moved on.

 

Hopefully at some point you'll learn a good lesson from all this but you haven't yet.