New girl has gone from burning hot to ice cold. [UPDATED]

[ashy555]

All right, but this isn't the universe throwing something into things...you knew already that those women lived in a different country than you did, THEN you fell for them. Right? You knew this girl was just now getting out of a relationship and you knew there were potential issues related to that, THEN you fell for her. You are choosing these impossible situations. Do you see that?

 

This seems even more true now that you've said it doesn't have to do with looks. These women aren't unavailable to you because they're out of your (I hate this term but whatever) league, it's because literally they're unavailable, by being countries away or by your current girlfriend's (?) ex issues and so on. Even before she pulled back, I'm sure you had clearly, and many times in your life, heard of a rebound. You jumped in anyway.

 

So anyway...just some things to think about. It's tough taking psych courses/being interested in psychology because we can clearly see issues with others but in ourselves...not so much. That's actually a really common thing. In fact, I read somewhere that analysts are encourage to go through analysis with a peer before attempting to analyze others...for this very reason.

 

I would really be thinking more about this. I'd bet my left ovary that if this amazing girl lived in close proximity to you and didn't have an ex lurking incredibly recently in the background, she'd be counted among those girls you "were just meh" about. Just a hunch.

 

Good luck. You seem like a nice guy. (Not a NiceGuyTM, LOL...an actual nice guy.) But I think you have to work out whatever is going on here and I don't think you're going to be moving forward with this girl. JMO.

 

 

 

YES YES YES!!!!

 

Guy this is a problem I have had over the years and I couldn't think of a way to explain it. It is a problem I am trying to overcome myself. It seems you are going for people who are unavailable because on some weird hidden subconscious level, you are afraid of commitment and getting hurt, so you go for people who are not available. You open yourself up to these people. You develop HEAVY chemistry with these people. Deep down you know it won't work, so you go for it.

 

I have done it myself for the past 7 years. Only realised last year through the help of this forum. I developed a crush on a nice decent guy who I have known for years. I finally asked him out. After 1 date I felt like running. I had anxiety and almost ended it. That is when i realised I had a problem and worked on fixing it. Over time I developed feelings. Didn't work out, but that is beside the point haha.

 

When you start to realise that EVERYONE you feel this deep chemistry with never works out, you know there may be a small problem.

 

If you look back on those past relationships, you will see all the red flags which you ignored. Living in a different country is kind of a red flag. Just got out of a relationship. Red flag. Cheated before. Red flag You need to take those rose coloured glasses off and see that this girl is stringing you along till she finds someone better or sorts out her sh**. She is still sleeping with her ex for sure, but she knows she still has you on the side. Do not contact her. If she really wants you like she says she does? she will come to YOU. Please keep your dignity and move on. If she forgets about you because you don't message her? Well so be it. That just proves she ain't that into you. At the moment she knows she has you at the drop of a hat. Be strong because right now you are looking weak to her. It is not a turn on.

Edited March 24, 2017 by ashy555

[guy532]

YES YES YES!!!!

 

Guy this is a problem I have had over the years and I couldn't think of a way to explain it. It is a problem I am trying to overcome myself. It seems you are going for people who are unavailable because on some weird hidden subconscious level, you are afraid of commitment and getting hurt, so you go for people who are not available. You open yourself up to these people. You develop HEAVY chemistry with these people. Deep down you know it won't work, so you go for it.

 

I have done it myself for the past 7 years. Only realised last year through the help of this forum. I developed a crush on a nice decent guy who I have known for years. I finally asked him out. After 1 date I felt like running. I had anxiety and almost ended it. That is when i realised I had a problem and worked on fixing it. Over time I developed feelings. Didn't work out, but that is beside the point haha.

 

When you start to realise that EVERYONE you feel this deep chemistry with never works out, you know there may be a small problem.

 

If you look back on those past relationships, you will see all the red flags which you ignored. Living in a different country is kind of a red flag. Just got out of a relationship. Red flag. Cheated before. Red flag You need to take those rose coloured glasses off and see that this girl is stringing you along till she finds someone better or sorts out her sh**. She is still sleeping with her ex for sure, but she knows she still has you on the side. Do not contact her. If she really wants you like she says she does? she will come to YOU. Please keep your dignity and move on. If she forgets about you because you don't message her? Well so be it. That just proves she ain't that into you. At the moment she knows she has you at the drop of a hat. Be strong because right now you are looking weak to her. It is not a turn on.

 

Thanks for you reply ! I swear I don't have a commitment problem, probably just the opposite. I had a gf of a year when I knew it was never going to work out as well since she was moving, but I never felt that type of chemistry as I do with her. This is something I've thought about as well, but it's really not what it seems. At 18 I seriously almost permanently moved to the country for a girl (only didn't because of visa problems). I also offered to move with my previous ex, she declined. If I had a commitment problem I would never have offered or tried to uproot my entire life for a girl. It's just **** luck. ALSO, before you use my ex as another example, we were together for 6 months before she decided she wanted to move.

 

Yea I've decided to never initiate any sort of contact with her. I'm pretty much fed up with this. I've gotten to the point where I'm still sad, but frustrated that I haven't been able to move on just yet. The more time passes the more full of **** I think she is and the less I want to be with her. I dislike and want her at the same time lol. I've decided she's either: Telling the truth and will come back, is crazy, or is a pathological liar who said and did all that so she can feel better about her self. **** it, **** this situation.

[DontBreakEven]

I dislike and want her at the same time lol. I've decided she's either: Telling the truth and will come back, is crazy, or is a pathological liar who said and did all that so she can feel better about her self. **** it, **** this situation.

 

Interesting. I think the same thing about my girl. Like daily I go back and forth trying to figure out which I think it actually is. The softy in me wants to think she's telling the truth and will come back ... the realist in me knows that in order to move on, I need to think she's full of sh*t. The problem is that idk what story to tell myself. I'd feel awful and dumb if she really is this extremely truthful person going through a hard time and I'm over here thinking the worst of her

[guy532]

Interesting. I think the same thing about my girl. Like daily I go back and forth trying to figure out which I think it actually is. The softy in me wants to think she's telling the truth and will come back ... the realist in me knows that in order to move on, I need to think she's full of sh*t. The problem is that idk what story to tell myself. I'd feel awful and dumb if she really is this extremely truthful person going through a hard time and I'm over here thinking the worst of her

 

I was thinking the same, like what if she's going through a tough time etc,. but then I came to the realization of something. I miss her and really want to see her asap, it doesn't matter how **** I feel, I'd at the very least would make an effort to stay in contact once in a while, because I actually care. She hasn't done any of that because she simply doesn't care as much as I do. It doesn't matter what she says, the fact that she doesn't feel the need to reach out is only a result of her disinterest. She was interested in me for those first 2 weeks for whatever reason, it's irrelevant. She got to know me better and realized she made a mistake since things were moving fast she wanted out asap. She was hoping that her disappearing would give me a hint (it took half a ****ing year for her to breakup with her ex) so she didn't have to say anything.

[Viking]

So instead of punishing myself by reading four pages of randomly strung together thoughts, what was the outcome? Are you back in touch?

 

Did I read correctly you watch YouTube to learn how to deal and talk with women?

[SevenCity]

I love Corey Wayne! I watch his vids daily and have read his book. That's what sucks about this, because it's that type of girl he says that knocks your socks off. I'm 26 and I'm done messing around, I've had my fair share of fun so now I'm searching for someone I can settle with and I was really hoping it would be her because she was that girl that completely blew me away.

 

All my past relationships were basically because I didn't want to be alone which I know sounds horrible, but **** it it's true. If I had my pick, I probably wouldn't have gotten into a relationship with them because that spark/connection wasn't there. So yea it just sucks getting a small taste of what it's actually like to be with someone you're really into to only have it taken away.

 

I was hoping that with all the knowledge I have gained in the past few years that I'd be ready for when that type of girl came into my life. Damn I was so close lol. I can see mistakes I made too and I made them because I thought it was ok to let my guard down considering her high level of interest but **** was I wrong! Lesson learned. Seriously I'm not changing up my game ever again, no matter how great thibggs seem to be going. Take my misfortune as a lesson, seriously dude. This girl was craaaaazzzy into me and she still bolted I became too available and too open with her. I still think that I did most things right though and if it wasn't for her recent breakup I don't think she would have bolted.

 

I keep having moments of clarity and desperation which sucks. I've decided to never initiate contact with her and I seriously hope she gets back in touch with me, however I know it's very doubtful and I'm going to concentrate on me for the time being. On the brightside I'm very busy atm so I at least have somewhere to put all my energy. Also, kind of glad that I blew it with her. I know that sounds odd, but I figure this lesson HAD to be learned and if it had to be learned it might as wel be with a girl who's most likely not going to be a part of my future no matter what considering I'm moving to a different country in less than a year AND lets be real here, I wouldn't want to marry a girl with a history of cheating. So yea I guess it's a good thing that I learned my lesson with her so now the next time I run into a woman like that, I won't change ip my game just because the feelings are more intense.

 

You haven't read the book 10-15 times

 

This is a lot of what he talks about - finding the right type of woman. If she cheated on her ex she'll do the same to you. "I'm gonna be different!" No, you're not.

 

I get it man. A lot of people here have no idea of the connection you speak of. But often times it can Be falsel. I dated this other chick for only a year and she professed her undying love only to chuck me like trash. I was infatuated with her because of how much I thought she cared and really thought she was the best gf I ever had. In retrospect she was the worst.

 

This chick has bad news written all over her.

 

Dating when you don't have that spark is tough. The few times I got that since my recent ex it only lasted briefly as the woman would make me realize she's not good LTR material. I've been looking for months now and realize it may be years if ever I find it again.

 

You're young - you've got plenty of opportunity ahead. This girl will just bring you pain.

[guy532]

Well thought I'd give an update since the "mystery" has finally been solved. I saw a picture of her with another girl on my fb newsfeed yesterday. Everything makes perfect sense now. The recent nude pics I accidentally saw of her on her phone when she wanted to show some pics of her vacation on our first date suggest that those pics were meant for that chick (who else would they be for? She had just broken up with her bf 2 weeks before hand and they weren't for me and plus when I jokingly asked her about them when I saw them like "ooo who are those for" she literally smirked and ignored the question (I know dumb of me to completely let that slide, but I was dating other girls so I didn't want to come off as a hypocrite). Piecing everything together this is how I believe things are from her side:

 

She was seeing this chick before she started dating me, by how much? I have no idea, wouldn't be surprised if she had cheated on her ex with her. Anyway, she actually did have feelings for me but for her as well. She didn't want me to know about her well because she was my competition and it was fairly evenly matched. It would explain why she said several times "what am I going to do with you". She knew things were starting to get serious between us and that dating two people whom it's serious with is not something she wants to repeat because of bad past experiences where she's done it in the past (her worst memory was getting caught doing this which she shared with me on our last date before she went cold...it's what she thought of at the time when I asked her since it was playing on her mind. The fact that I broke it off with the other two girls I was dating and her finding out about it that night as well scared her since she knew where things were heading.

 

Her cousin coming over was the perfect excuse to have some time to think things out. She had already made valentine's day plans with the girl and hence why she couldn't spend it with me. My guess is that her cousin knew about the other girl. She didn't have enough time to work full time, show her cousin around, and also date 2 people at once, so she had to chose one person to date for that timeframe, which was her since she was seeing her longer than she was seeing me and her cousin probably knew her. This would also explain her UTI infection (I'm in med school, I know for a fact that the vast majority of UTI's are caused by sexual intercourse and since she told me this was her first one it makes it a lot more likely that it didn't happen from something else such as being unhygienic or short vaginal tract since if that was the case she would have most likely had multiple UTI's over the years). She knew that I was going to be leaving in a little bit over half a year and that it wouldn't last between us because of this. So the right move for her was to chose her since they have a better shot at working out due to logistics or maybe she just liked her more. Who knows.

 

Me calling her out on her hot and cold behavior freaked her out because she knew that I knew something was up and that I was going to eventually figure it out, so she decided to end it before **** hit the fan. The problem was that she actually had real and genuine feelings for me. I really think she was being completely honest to me about her feelings and that if I wasn't moving, she probably would have chose me...at least that's what I tell myself to feel better. I just don't see how you could fake the little things that are a dead giveaway that someone is interested in you.

 

Since she actually had real and genuine feelings for me she didn't want it to be completely over between us just in case it didn't work out with the other chick. She knew if she told me that she chose someone else over me that I would never want to be with her again because I'm a pretty firm man and I have self-respect. So she told me her bull**** story of she's not ready blah blah blah. Now lets go in a bit deeper. She had told me that even though she's bi she really wants to be married to a man because she wants a traditional family and kids. She's most likely going to Antarctica for 3-4 months for a research trip in September and she'll be finishing up around the time when I'd be settled back in the states for about a month. Since I would have just moved I probably won't find someone very special in that time frame, she knows that.

 

Now that explains why she was so serious about wanting to visit me in the states. My guess is that she knows she's not going to stick around with this chick since it's not what she's looking for long term and plus her trip is going to hinder the relationship since she's a woman of low integrity, meaning she probably knows herself well enough to know that she'd probably cheat on her OR her trip will give ger the perfect excuse of breaking things off.

 

This scenerio works out perfectly for her because she gets to fool around with a girl or girls and get it out of her system and then hopefully be perfectly set up to rekindle things in the future with me like she said she wanted. I actually think she was being genuine about her telling me that I check off everything on her list for the type of man she wants to settle with and why she was being so incredibly forward on our last date and why she wanted us to take pics (she doesn't want me to forget her). So I seriously believe that she's going to start contacting me when she's on her research trip in Antarctica and then once I'm settled in she's going to want to visit me and basically try and win me over. Thing is though I will never be someone's backup or toyed with for her own benefit so she could go **** herself.

 

I know this might seem insane that I analyzed the **** out of this to this extend, but 2 things you should know: I LOVE puzzles plus I never got my closure so this was eating me up mentally and I just had to solve this since nothing was adding up. With this one piece of info everything falls perfectly into place and it all makes perfect sense to why she behaved the way she did and why she said the things she said. Obviously, I know that this is all speculation but it just fits way to perfectly for this not to be the truth.

 

Even if this isn't the truth, fact is that she's seeing someone else and that means she lied about not being ready to date which also automatically puts her on my **** list. If things don't work out between her and that chick, I fully expect to hear from her and who knows I might just bang her a few times for the sake of it (she's hot so I'm not going to say to no to easy sex, plus it's revenge for lying to me and also lying and cheating on so many others in her past, she's a bitch and the only thing she's good for is being a cum dumpster) until I get bored and I move. Also, it's not like I'm holding onto this. I've been talking to a new girl who seems lovely and we're going on a date in a week or two when we're both done with midterms. She's way hotter to, so that's nice .

 

Would love to hear what you all think. I am like 99% sure this is the case since it explains everything so well and ties everything together without a single hiccup.

[PinkPampies]

Guy, can you go back and re-read what you just wrote?

 

You dated for 2 weeks.

 

As a woman, I can tell you that if she wanted to be with you, she certainly would.

 

To think she has plans to return to you in 6 months is utterly ridiculous. She doesn't want to be with you. That's why she's with someone else.

 

I seriously hope you let this go. Find someone who is into you as much as you are them. She won't want to hear from you. You should never want to be someone's backup plan or third or fourth choice. Put yourself first and find someone who feels the same.

[elaine567]

YOU had a two week fling and whilst you became highly invested, she didn't feel the same. It happens.

Sure she got swept along in the emotion for a very short time, but she decided she wasn't interested, went cold and dumped you.

 

Your ego is sorely bruised and thus you are desperately seeking answers as to why she possibly could have dumped you.

I guess, the realisation she just didn't think you were that great and not for her, is probably too painful for you to bear.

 

You seem to have spent more time writing about her than you actually spent with her...

A bit of perspective is needed here.

 

(btw Did you ever consider that the fact you were dating other girls plural and had a fwb, actually turned her off??

Personally I would not be sticking around after I found that info out.)

[guy532]

YOU had a two week fling and whilst you became highly invested, she didn't feel the same. It happens.

Sure she got swept along in the emotion for a very short time, but she decided she wasn't interested, went cold and dumped you.

 

Your ego is sorely bruised and thus you are desperately seeking answers as to why she possibly could have dumped you.

I guess, the realisation she just didn't think you were that great and not for her, is probably too painful for you to bear.

 

You seem to have spent more time writing about her than you actually spent with her...

A bit of perspective is needed here.

 

(btw Did you ever consider that the fact you were dating other girls plural and had a fwb, actually turned her off??

Personally I would not be sticking around after I found that info out.)

 

You're right, I have probably spent more time writting about her than actually dating her. I've had flings before and they were nothing like this, at least to me, that's why it's been so hard for me. Please understand this is the type of person that comes along only once every 5-10 years. The only time I've felt a connection similar to this was when I was 18. I am letting this go, was just searching for closure since I WAS VERY strung along, no matter what the real truth is, I was extremely strung along.

 

I know the fact that we're not even talking anymore points to that she's not interested, but I'm turning 27 next month, I've had enough experiences with women to be able to tell when someone's feelings are genuine or not and there is zero doubt in my mind that she did have feelings for me, strong ones at that. So yes, you're right she's not interested and I am moving on from her, even have a date in 2 weeks time with a new girl. Please though, do understand that I'm not being delusional when I say she had feelings because there's no way you can put that type of act up. You weren't there, you didn't spend time with her, you didn't hear everything she was telling me, how affectionate she was towards me, and even how she looked at me. I accept and agree with everything except for that. It's the little things that someone does around you that gives away their feelings you know? I've never had a girl show that much interest in me that fast and yes, I've slept with girls on the first date a multiple times in the past and had a blast, but this was completely on a different level. She was treating me like a girl would that I had been dating for like 3 months, not a week.

 

Also, as for me dating other girls and having a fwb at the time. I had been straight up with her. I had told her about them when we first met, on the plane. I even told her on our first date that I wouldn't feel the need to see them anymore if we continued dating and she told me it was fine if I kept seeing them (obviously since she was seeing the other chick). I kept my word too, I broke it off with the other girls the very next day of our first date, THAT'S how strong of a connection I felt and having someone tell you that they've never experienced anything like this before and she feels like she's known me for years made me think we were on the same page. I was being good.

 

It is what it is and I'm ready to close that chapter in my life. I've learned my lesson the hard way too. Never ever let your guard down no matter how strontg of a bond you feel and no mater what the other person tells you until you've known the person for months. I just hope this thread will be useful for the next poor bastard that goes through something similar.

[DontBreakEven]

Again Guy,

 

My story and yours are lining up as if we dated the same bisexual chick hot/cold blower. Same exact deal with mine. She is totally dating someone else, but I went ahead and deleted her off of my social media before I could view any of it for real. The first comment on the pic I did see before I unfollowed, and then some weird Spotify activity, was enough proof.

 

Unlike you, however, I'm not telling myself that the words said, and the looks given to me, etc, were genuine. I did at first, because she told me that she had to stop talking to me because her feelings were too strong and she can't have that type of seriousness in her life right now with all that's going on.

 

I wanted to believe that, so as not to have my ego crushed, and also to know that not everything was just my imagination, or that I really was dumb enough to fall for it all.

 

But.

 

Bullsh*t. Like, no. She lied to me. She liked this other girl better (someone she had also met before me). I just don't buy any of it anymore. I hate that we have no contact, and I have to piece together stories in my head, but that was also her doing. The only question really left is if she is playing the new girl too. Which is a possibility - she did it to me, the chick before me, some dude before her, etc. I mean, there is no question that she is still in love with her ex, so not sure how she got over that in 2 days' time. But, either way, she's a piece of sh*t.

 

And I've been writing/talking about her at this point longer than I was dating her too. But, just like you, it was a connection that I haven't had in a long time and probably won't for a while. *sigh*

 

Now, onto continuing to try to get over my one month "whatever it was"

[guy532]

Again Guy,

 

My story and yours are lining up as if we dated the same bisexual chick hot/cold blower. Same exact deal with mine. She is totally dating someone else, but I went ahead and deleted her off of my social media before I could view any of it for real. The first comment on the pic I did see before I unfollowed, and then some weird Spotify activity, was enough proof.

 

Unlike you, however, I'm not telling myself that the words said, and the looks given to me, etc, were genuine. I did at first, because she told me that she had to stop talking to me because her feelings were too strong and she can't have that type of seriousness in her life right now with all that's going on.

 

I wanted to believe that, so as not to have my ego crushed, and also to know that not everything was just my imagination, or that I really was dumb enough to fall for it all.

 

But.

 

Bullsh*t. Like, no. She lied to me. She liked this other girl better (someone she had also met before me). I just don't buy any of it anymore. I hate that we have no contact, and I have to piece together stories in my head, but that was also her doing. The only question really left is if she is playing the new girl too. Which is a possibility - she did it to me, the chick before me, some dude before her, etc. I mean, there is no question that she is still in love with her ex, so not sure how she got over that in 2 days' time. But, either way, she's a piece of sh*t.

 

And I've been writing/talking about her at this point longer than I was dating her too. But, just like you, it was a connection that I haven't had in a long time and probably won't for a while. *sigh*

 

Now, onto continuing to try to get over my one month "whatever it was"

 

Thanks man, it's good to hear a story of someone that's gone through the same thing. Also not good because I know how much it ****s with your head, sorry that you had to go through that. I've looked everywhere for similar stories, but they're so hard to find since it's so rare for there to be people this completely ****ed up that will go to this extreme. Maybe because I'm a normal sane person I can't imagine doing anything like this. I've been with girls that I quickly lost feelings for or didn't feel the same way, but at the bery least I did my best to let them know where I stood.

 

You're right though, in the end this chick didn't give a flying **** about me, she was just completely full of **** about everything. All that stuff she said and did was complete bull****. I think I know why Infelt such a strong connection with her and why you felt such a strong one with her as well. It's because she said and did what you wanted most. She just made pretend she was the type of person you and I were looking for, it was all a ****ing act, from day 1.

 

I've spoken to a lot of people about this and I've never come across someone going through something sinilar/this dramatic (except for you) because it's so damn rare for someone to be this inconsiderate/bitch. It's crazy looking back to that I ifnored all those red flags and for what? Because I felt an incredible connection. This whole thing has taught me so much about myself and I hope it's done the same for you. Don't ever ignore red flags no matter what and don't ever trust your feelings until you fully know the person. I knew there were guy *******s that would do whatever it takes to bed a chick and then ditch her ass, but I had no idea there were girls like this too. The more I think about it and the more time passes the more I just think what a ****ing bitch. Seriously how **** of a person do you have to be to lead someone on this much, even after you broke things off, or ****ing ghost them and then come back to meet his friends when you already know you don't want to see him anymore? ****ing psycho. Ugh wish I never met this chick.