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Back Again ... Need some guidance with a tough decision

BrokenHeartedMan89

By BrokenHeartedMan89
in Breaks and Breaking Up

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BrokenHeartedMan89 Member

BrokenHeartedMan89

Posted
Posted

Hello Loveshack,

 

It's been a while since I've been on here. I've not needed the encouragement of late, which i can thank you for. Rather now I'm asking for some advice as to what I should do regarding a rather awkward situation in my life... with what is essentially regarding a rebound girlfriend.

 

Quick Brief:

Got dumped by what was my first love last June, it was fu**ing painful

Mum got Cancer almost immediately after

Months of pain, heart ache, begging, depression etc etc etc

During the above i met a girl, lets call her Bambi

Bambi and I take things very slowly - i become friends with her and explain everything that's happened, how I was distraught over my ex.

Bambi and I start dating

Time has moved on (this year particularly) and I'm feeling nearly whole again.

On about 4-5 months no contact now with ex

Ex and Bambi are polar opposites - tall/narcissistic/slim/blonde vs small/caring/brunette/curvy respectively. Both are attractive, perhaps ex is more my 'type'.... from a physical perspective.

 

I'm still with Bambi, but we're having problems....

 

Basically my situation has 3 aspects:

 

1. We've nearly broken up a couple of times recently over me 'not prioritizing her' amongst other things. The words have been different, yet ultimately the same as the reasons my ex gave me when she broke me (don't have enough time for her). I spend 2/3 nights and days with her/week. It's not the 'can't spend time apart' kind of feeling I've got....

 

2. Some of the issues we're having are the same as with the ex in terms of my personality/family ties etc. Am I going after the wrong kind of girl?... Or will no girl stick by a man that cares for his mum/dad therefore have to sometimes put their partner in no 2/3 spot of priorities....

(Also points 1 & 2 are making me think I need to change in to the man the ex wanted - which plagues me... and brings her back in to my mind).

 

3. We never had a 'honeymoon' period... it was a depressing situation from the start and she misses not having that 'honeymoon romance'. She doesn't feel like we've got that energy... I can't really disagree... I don't feel that spark with her like i did with the ex. Yet she's so loving/caring and really wants 'us' unlike my ex.

 

So... I'm at a bit of a crossroads. I need to find a way to let her in to my heart and create that spark that we never really had... Or end it, accept that I used her (which I shamefully admit to) selfishly in an attempt to move on and explain that we're not the soulmates she thinks we are. I REALLY DO NOT WANT TO hurt her!

 

Another problem is... with this drama, the dreams of my ex have started again (twice this week :confused: )... which I thought i'd finally finished with...

 

All in all, my head's not fully rammed up my arse any more and I have got off the depression meds etc. I'm just caught up in this dilemma of my heart as to what to do.

 

I think I should try and 'woo' her again. Give it another 6-8 weeks from a bit of a blank slate and really invest in her and 'us'... to see if I get that spark i'm missing.

 

Or... bite the bullet, break her heart... and give up on someone that loves me unconditionally and thinks the world of me.

 

Dilemma!

 

I appreciate your taking the time to read this and any advice that you may have will be gratefully received.

 

Many thanks

 

NotSoBrokenHeartedMan

 

ps. And yes, one of you will inevitably put this... I'm not 100% over my ex. But I'm 95-98% there.

pps. Anyone rebounding who's got a good heart, take this as a bit of a warning...

ppps. Anyone else reading this going NC. Stay strong!

d0nnivain Established Member

d0nnivain

Posted
Posted

Given how much comparison you are doing I suspect Bambi is a rebound. You didn't really care about her as a person but more so wanted someone, anyone, to fill up the whole left by your EX.

 

 

Where is your mom's cancer in all of this? A significant illness in a parent will make anyone depressed.

 

 

If I'm wrong, think about what you are willing to do to prioritize Bambi more?

Ash_cad Member

Ash_cad

Posted
Posted
Hello Loveshack,

 

It's been a while since I've been on here. I've not needed the encouragement of late, which i can thank you for. Rather now I'm asking for some advice as to what I should do regarding a rather awkward situation in my life... with what is essentially regarding a rebound girlfriend.

 

Quick Brief:

Got dumped by what was my first love last June, it was fu**ing painful

Mum got Cancer almost immediately after

Months of pain, heart ache, begging, depression etc etc etc

During the above i met a girl, lets call her Bambi

Bambi and I take things very slowly - i become friends with her and explain everything that's happened, how I was distraught over my ex.

Bambi and I start dating

Time has moved on (this year particularly) and I'm feeling nearly whole again.

On about 4-5 months no contact now with ex

Ex and Bambi are polar opposites - tall/narcissistic/slim/blonde vs small/caring/brunette/curvy respectively. Both are attractive, perhaps ex is more my 'type'.... from a physical perspective.

 

I'm still with Bambi, but we're having problems....

 

Basically my situation has 3 aspects:

 

1. We've nearly broken up a couple of times recently over me 'not prioritizing her' amongst other things. The words have been different, yet ultimately the same as the reasons my ex gave me when she broke me (don't have enough time for her). I spend 2/3 nights and days with her/week. It's not the 'can't spend time apart' kind of feeling I've got....

 

2. Some of the issues we're having are the same as with the ex in terms of my personality/family ties etc. Am I going after the wrong kind of girl?... Or will no girl stick by a man that cares for his mum/dad therefore have to sometimes put their partner in no 2/3 spot of priorities....

(Also points 1 & 2 are making me think I need to change in to the man the ex wanted - which plagues me... and brings her back in to my mind).

 

3. We never had a 'honeymoon' period... it was a depressing situation from the start and she misses not having that 'honeymoon romance'. She doesn't feel like we've got that energy... I can't really disagree... I don't feel that spark with her like i did with the ex. Yet she's so loving/caring and really wants 'us' unlike my ex.

 

So... I'm at a bit of a crossroads. I need to find a way to let her in to my heart and create that spark that we never really had... Or end it, accept that I used her (which I shamefully admit to) selfishly in an attempt to move on and explain that we're not the soulmates she thinks we are. I REALLY DO NOT WANT TO hurt her!

 

Another problem is... with this drama, the dreams of my ex have started again (twice this week :confused: )... which I thought i'd finally finished with...

 

All in all, my head's not fully rammed up my arse any more and I have got off the depression meds etc. I'm just caught up in this dilemma of my heart as to what to do.

 

I think I should try and 'woo' her again. Give it another 6-8 weeks from a bit of a blank slate and really invest in her and 'us'... to see if I get that spark i'm missing.

 

Or... bite the bullet, break her heart... and give up on someone that loves me unconditionally and thinks the world of me.

 

Dilemma!

 

I appreciate your taking the time to read this and any advice that you may have will be gratefully received.

 

Many thanks

 

NotSoBrokenHeartedMan

 

ps. And yes, one of you will inevitably put this... I'm not 100% over my ex. But I'm 95-98% there.

pps. Anyone rebounding who's got a good heart, take this as a bit of a warning...

ppps. Anyone else reading this going NC. Stay strong!

 

 

Can you elaborate more on the EX drama ?

newheart Established Member

newheart

Posted
Posted
I need to find a way to let her in to my heart and create that spark that we never really had...

 

Forgetting everything else, is this even possible? Do you want to spend your life with someone that you need to "create that spark that we never really had"?

 

I understand that relationships are hard work and not everything falls into place simply, but I also have made the mistake of working for something that wasn't there, too. If it never was there to begin with, I am not sure it is worth trying to create.

 

It sounds like you are a thoughtful, caring guy, and you recognize that you aren't fully over your ex. If you care about Bambi, I'd say you should let her go gently and allow her to find someone who is equally invested in her. Then, give yourself some time off to finish grieving before moving on. I know this is hard to do because you care about her, but holding her back isn't doing her any favors either. Just my two cents! Best of luck to you!

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BrokenHeartedMan89 Member

BrokenHeartedMan89

Posted
  • Author
Posted

Hello and thank you for taking the time to get back to me.

 

Donnivain - My mum was diagnosed with Endometrial (womb) cancer about 3 weeks after my ex left me. My ex left to travel abroad whilst i was left with trying to face this feeling very alone. Thankfully now she has had multiple treatments and ops and now has the 'all clear'. I've made attempts to make her feel special, but from my part it all feels very 'forced'.... It very much is a rebound relationship ... and I've discussed this with Bambi on numerous occasions... she knows that I used her to make me feel loved again... which i'm not proud of. But i do care for her a hell of a lot, and the thought of me breaking her heart hurts me tremendously!

 

Ash_cad - see links below, there were two posts really (regarding ex drama) ... if you've got an evening free to read the waffle from what was a very broken shell of me...

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/601277-first-heartbreak-late-20s#post7114089

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/602961-am-i-wrong-planning-re-connect-well-future#post7129398

 

NewHeart - thank you for your thoughts. I get where you're coming from and I don't know if it's possible... I guess it's the 'falling in love' bit.. but if we haven't by now.. am I going to?!... I fear there is no way to let her go gently although I do see the value in doing so.. and being single to really get to grips with myself... I know she deserves someone that can give her everything as I truly believe she's an amazing loving person. I'm just not sure I am the one for her.. Thank you for your thoughts.

  • Like 1
d0nnivain Established Member

d0nnivain

Posted
Posted

If you have told Bambi that she is just a rebound & despite trying you just can't make yourself feel more, the best thing you can do is end it.

 

 

Take time. Heal yourself.

 

 

Celebrate your mom's health.

 

 

When you are healed you will love again.

  • Like 1
Maldives Established Member

Maldives

Posted
Posted

Ok, u were me a cpl yrs ago not myet current ex which I'm in the middle of processing pain lol but the previous one. I was married and wth my wife 10 yrs almost we broke up i rebounded wth a girl we were together 3 yrs she ended up cheating wth a very close friend of mine not much of a friend lol. Anyway wen we 1st met we started slow as well all talk about me getting over my ex not good in itself like u i wasnt remotely ready especially emotionally nor emotionally present wth her. I sabotaged that relationship because i hadn't fully healed. Lesson heal before moving on part of the reason she doesn't feel as special as ur ex is because ur not fully healed and plus rebounds never r it normally I found takes about 2 to 3 yrs between relationships to find soulmates and deep connections. Good chance if u dont change she will probably leave u and u will feel wat i felt the pain of my relationship wth my ex wife combined wth the pain of the betrayal of my so called friend and rebound. It was probably one of the most painful things over gone thru and yet here i am again wth another 6 yr relationship done and she works wth me lol. I think for me its really time out and actually I really don't know. This time i put a lot of eggs in one basket to move interstate and it's very hard to go back as real estate has more than doubled and become very expensive. I feel like I really cornered myself here. Be careful wth choices u make especially relationships.

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