Facebook looking

[AnneP]

I'm incredibly naive! I lived in a foreign country for 18 years. Facebook is an east way of sharing photos of the kids with relatives & friends. Since when is it such a narcissistic, lying, cheating thing to share photos with friends?

 

Ain't it in the eye of the beholder?

 

That person is just taking the quick, easy way of staying in touch with friends, family &?acquaintances at the same time. It's the person who's looking to get-off that's the problem NOT the site or the users!

 

 

Note - I'm not so naive to not know that some use it for narcissistic reasons. Facebook should be private but REALLY?

 

I grew up in a foreign country and attended an international school with people from over 50 nations. I love that Facebook allows me to see what's going on in their lives, whether they returned to their home country or went somewhere else, pictures of their kids, families, etc. Also, up until 2 years ago, my dad had been living abroad for 7 years so that was the easiest way for me to keep in contact with him.

 

All that being said: I deactivated my account. Facebook is such a time suck and I decided to log in a few times a year and see what's going on with everyone.

 

I saw the narcissistic tendencies of grown men and women who would post more selfies than a teenager. People also post things that are just incredibly inappropriate like: blasting a family member, attention seeking behavior from both men and women, people hitting on me through FB - even though they knew I was married, etc..

[katielee]

 

All that being said: I deactivated my account. Facebook is such a time suck and I decided to log in a few times a year and see what's going on with everyone.

 

I saw the narcissistic tendencies of grown men and women who would post more selfies than a teenager. People also post things that are just incredibly inappropriate like: blasting a family member, attention seeking behavior from both men and women, people hitting on me through FB - even though they knew I was married, etc..

 

We don't use it very much. Neither of us do.

However, it maybe revealed something I need to know.

[wmacbride]

It sounds like you two have been through a lot, and that it's understandable if there is a lack of trust.

 

In your shoes, I would talk to him. Explain what you found and why it bothers you. Tell him what you need from him, and ind out what he needs from you. This is not the same as accusing him, rather, you are taking ownership of your feelings and asking for his input.

 

Recovery from an A can take a long time, and it's not easy. Rebuilding trust isn't like flipping a light switch, it is built over time.

[katielee]

thanks mcbride! Appreciate that.

[stillafool]

It's probably just a crush.

[katielee]

It's probably just a crush.

 

I just don't think it's a good idea to let yourself go there when you've been through what we have.

I understand people see and are attracted to other people. But going beyond that is something we should avoid considering where we've been.

[Mrs. John Adams]

It could be that since she has mutual friends...she came up in his "friend recommendations" and he simply looked her up to see who she was. I do that quite often....or perhaps she actually sent him a friend request from her end. So he looked her up.

 

I am a firm believer in "asking" and confronting...rather than stewing and letting it fester...and worrying over what is likely absolutely nothing.

[central]

Could he have a legitimate business reason to look her up, to learn about her in order to increase the chances of a legitimate business arrangement? There can be sales, marketing, consulting, or professional association motives here.

[katielee]

No. They are not in any line of work that would be overlapping. They could be in service organizations together I suppose or chamber stuff.

He's not ever looked up a guy, that I can see, although I've only gone back to December.

[katielee]

I know how this will go down:

 

He won't even listen to me and my concerns no matter how I say it. He'll just be pissed I am looking at his stuff. So I can bring it up, but there will be a big fight. The "we should divorce if we don't trust each other" thing will be thrown out there.

Maybe I should just be good with him having little crushes but being faithful.

[mikeylo]

You want to let go of ' Little crushes ' of your partner ? Really ??

 

That's just ridiculous.

 

You should be able to talk about it and he should be able to listen without being defensive. That's how a healthy relationship is.

 

After an affair, I agree , ' some ' people get tunnel vision. That's how it should normally be, without affair. Just because a person is a guy , doesn't give us a freedom to ogle or develop ' crushes ' on a woman who wears revealing clothes or who gives us a look. It's not normal.

 

I'm not aware of your story but 7 years is a very long time to have gone past this. I guess if it hasn't reached the place of mutual respect and trust by now,it never will.

[merrmeade]

Hi katielee,

 

Oh dear. I'm sorry you're 'there' again. I don't really have an answer for you—and frankly I don't think anybody who hasn't been through the affair gauntlet does either. In fact, I don't see how anyone can understand—or should give advice—who hasn't been betrayed. I mean, yes, free country, free forum.

 

That said, I do agree with the posts saying you can reasonably express your needs and expect them to be respected, but you can't take the cheater impulse out of the man (or woman).

 

I think it's 'just' ego. I think that looking at attractive opposite-sex peers is going to happen and for me (now) - meh. It's shallow for sure and highly conceited of them imo because looking at someone attractive is the ultimate self-compliment. And that's all I think of it as in my husband.

 

I gave up sort of. I still check history from time to time and I know he checks out people through social media. Usually he doesn't repeat.

[wmacbride]

I know how this will go down:

 

He won't even listen to me and my concerns no matter how I say it. He'll just be pissed I am looking at his stuff. So I can bring it up, but there will be a big fight. The "we should divorce if we don't trust each other" thing will be thrown out there.

Maybe I should just be good with him having little crushes but being faithful.

 

The issue becomes if he acts on them. Do you fele that you can trust him not to?

 

I can only speak for myself, but I don't get why, given your history as a couple, he wouldn't understand your concerns. You have a right to feel safe in your marriage, and have your questions answered.

 

All this is part of finding your way ahead as a couple, and recognizing that you have both been wounded. Think of it as if you had beaten cancer, and a few months later, you began to exhibit symptoms that made you think it had come back. No one would fault you for heading straight to your doctor to get a check up. it would probably be nothing, but at least you'd have peace of mind.

Over time, you may well get to a place where you wouldn't panic and need reassurance from your doctor, but that would take time.

 

the same is true for you. You have been burned and need reassurance.

[merrmeade]

But I don't understand the "little crushes" label b/c - in my H's case - I think all 'crushes' that ever happened, whether developed to more or not, were all about HIM - not the women. It's like a mutual masturbation of attention. Annoyingly juvenile imo - and obviously narcissistic.

[katielee]

The issue becomes if he acts on them. Do you fele that you can trust him not to?

 

I can only speak for myself, but I don't get why, given your history as a couple, he wouldn't understand your concerns. You have a right to feel safe in your marriage, and have your questions answered.

 

All this is part of finding your way ahead as a couple, and recognizing that you have both been wounded. Think of it as if you had beaten cancer, and a few months later, you began to exhibit symptoms that made you think it had come back. No one would fault you for heading straight to your doctor to get a check up. it would probably be nothing, but at least you'd have peace of mind.

Over time, you may well get to a place where you wouldn't panic and need reassurance from your doctor, but that would take time.

 

the same is true for you. You have been burned and need reassurance.

 

thanks wmac.

He feels that healthy partners don't check up on each other. They trust each other. He takes it personally that I don't trust him. This is very difficult for me to understand. I feel badly for him if he doesn't trust me, not myself.

I absolutely am going to start with the fact that I deserve to feel safe in the marriage. Thank you.

[katielee]

But I don't understand the "little crushes" label b/c - in my H's case - I think all 'crushes' that ever happened, whether developed to more or not, were all about HIM - not the women. It's like a mutual masturbation of attention. Annoyingly juvenile imo - and obviously narcissistic.

 

merrmeade - I guess I feel that even looking down that path is now hurtful to a BS.

[katielee]

The issue becomes if he acts on them. Do you fele that you can trust him not to?

 

 

 

.

 

To form a crush someone has to first notice and then indulge in a little fantasy about the person. Or, spend time with them. Any time doing that is stealing from our marital relationship. That MUST be done with for all we've been through.

[mikeylo]

FWIW, when a partner is indulging with others, they are taking away the emotional investment from their primary relationship into the other person. The other person is aware that you are taken. They don't have good morals if they are indulging. They somehow feel powerful over the control they have , to become THE reason of issues in someone's relationship. Sadistic pleasure maybe.

[katielee]

FWIW, when a partner is indulging with others, they are taking away the emotional investment from their primary relationship into the other person. The other person is aware that you are taken. They don't have good morals if they are indulging. They somehow feel powerful over the control they have , to become THE reason of issues in someone's relationship. Sadistic pleasure maybe.

 

I doubt this woman even knows he looked... unless it has gone further and I don't know.

[Mrs. John Adams]

why would you classify his looking up a mutual contact on facebook as a little crush?he has friends who are friends with this person...names pop up...people you may know...it doesn't mean he wants to cheat.....

 

good grief

 

why blow this whole thing out of proportion? He has given you absolutely no reason to doubt him...things are great between you....and for gods sake...how would you feel if he doubted you this way?

 

Get out of your head and stop borrowing trouble

 

he has every reason to doubt you as much as you doubt him...even more reason to doubt you.... so stop....

[CaliforniaGirl]

I don't want to sound naive but what if this is someone he had to research for work or something? Or for some other reason?

 

My husband was just interviewing interns...you know, 19-year-olds gushing with enthusiasm for all the COOOOOOOOOOL dudes in the MUSSSSSSSSSSSIC BIZ just like him ZOMG...? Yeah...like...those. And I am sure he had to vet them and a common practice is to glance at social media, as that's where you can get some rather daunting information on potential employees. Dear God I am NOT looking at his Facebook in the wake of that, LOL. N to the ope.

 

I would ask him. With your history/his issues I don't think he should think it out of line that you do. I think it's a fair question.

[katielee]

why would you classify his looking up a mutual contact on facebook as a little crush?he has friends who are friends with this person...names pop up...people you may know...it doesn't mean he wants to cheat.....

 

good grief

 

why blow this whole thing out of proportion? He has given you absolutely no reason to doubt him...things are great between you....and for gods sake...how would you feel if he doubted you this way?

 

Get out of your head and stop borrowing trouble

 

he has every reason to doubt you as much as you doubt him...even more reason to doubt you.... so stop....

 

Really?. I know him better than anyone. He actually had to type in her name.

Tried it three times. He didn't click on the "people you may know".... he typed in her name.

He didn't give me any reason to doubt him before either.

 

How would I feel if he doubted me? Understanding of how much I hurt him that lead to the major mistrust. That he still must be mistrustful now and how awful that is to live with. I would empathize with him and apologize for making our marriage a place where he doesn't feel safe.

[Joie]

I think you are making a MAJOR communication mistake. IMO, the more serious threat to your marriage is the fact that you have now mentally escalated the concern, had a mental conversation with him, predicted how he will reacted, and then gotten mad about a reaction that he has even had yet.

 

You are now punishing him for both looking up the names and for his predicted reaction.

 

 

Maybe he will react exactly the way you say or maybe he will react completely different. You won't know if you don't communicate with him.

[Whoknew30]

Really?. I know him better than anyone. He actually had to type in her name.

Tried it three times. He didn't click on the "people you may know".... he typed in her name.

He didn't give me any reason to doubt him before either.

 

How would I feel if he doubted me? Understanding of how much I hurt him that lead to the major mistrust. That he still must be mistrustful now and how awful that is to live with. I would empathize with him and apologize for making our marriage a place where he doesn't feel safe.

 

Here's the problem...he's over all this more than you are. This what happens when a person can't forgive themselves, it turns into misery enjoys company scenario. you seem to want him too feel as bad as you, evidently he's forgiven himself & moved on...try doing the same thing & maybe you'll perceive things differently.

 

Some of the things you state just truly aren't realistic & no one can live up to unrealistic goals...if typing in one woman's name on Facebook is such a big deal after all these years & everything you've e been through, if it really is, maybe it's time to move on...but remember most men (that I've ever personally met) aren't going to live by unrealistic expectations either. Another man probably will have Facebook & look people/women up too, it's absolutely normal to take a gander at people's pages, it's the point of Facebook.

 

There's no way you enjoy this after so many years past your A...he's never not going to be attracted to attractive women, that's life, he has eyes. If that bothers you, you probably shouldn't be in a relationship with anyone bc it's absolutely normal behavior.

[Mrs. John Adams]

Really?. I know him better than anyone. He actually had to type in her name.

Tried it three times. He didn't click on the "people you may know".... he typed in her name.

He didn't give me any reason to doubt him before either.

 

How would I feel if he doubted me? Understanding of how much I hurt him that lead to the major mistrust. That he still must be mistrustful now and how awful that is to live with. I would empathize with him and apologize for making our marriage a place where he doesn't feel safe.

 

yes.....I have even typed in the names of people i am friends with...just to get to them faster. so? Typing in names means absolutely nothing...unless you have reason to believe he is cheating.

 

I don't know your husband at all. I only know what you have disclosed.

 

Katielee...if you don't trust him...if you are still in pain...if you think he is cheating...then divorce him.

 

He has a whole lot more reason to distrust you than you do him...and he seems to be doing just fine...and he gets aggravated when you slip back into this distrustful mode.

 

Tell him to delete his facebook...and you delete yours as well. Maybe that's the answer....if it causes problems then get rid of it.

 

I never check up on John and he never checks up on me. There comes a time...when you are either fully committed to a relationship or you aren't. There comes a time when you are no longer paranoid. You don't necessarily have BLIND trust....but you also stop being paranoid about it.

 

John travels 50% of the time...I have to either believe he is where he says he is...or i divorce him....and while he is gone...even though i tell him where i am...I could be lying. He HAS to either trust that i am doing what i say I am...or he pulls the plug.

 

What is it you want? and i can tell you...if he constantly questioned me...I would grow extremely weary....

 

I am not saying you don't have a right to question...I am saying...you have got to eventually stop this...because it accomplishes nothing good