Sexist boyfriend

[Sweetfish]

So, I kind of need advice. I have a boyfriend who I've been dating for almost 4 years. We moved in together after we'd been together for 3 years where we lived 2 hours (by car) apart. I love him. He makes me laugh, jokes a lot and supports me and believes in me when I need to go to exams or look for jobs. He takes me out for dates and surprises me with tickets to shows etc.

I know he also wants to be with me, as we speak a lot about our future together.

 

My boyfriend has been very clear from the beginning, that he is a very honest guy. He tells me if he thinks I need to start working out again, if I've gained weight and even pin-points other parts of my body that could be "better". He thinks that nobody is ever perfect and that you can always change for the better and you should always strive to become better.

 

When I moved in to his apartment, I clearly stated that I did NOT want to do all the household chores and that we need to help each other out. I study and he has a full-time job. I told him that it would be ok for now, if he just vacuum and I cook, dust, do the dishes, clean, change sheets, etc. seeing as I'm home a lot more than he is (I only have school 12 hours a week). I however also told him, that when I get a full-time job, it would have to be split more equally. He said of course.

However, yesterday he told me otherwise. He tells me that household chores are my job and that when I get a full-time job, I would have to do them all when I get home. When things need to be dusted, he even sometimes writes "Clean me" on them, instead of just wiping them off.... I tell him that I feel like he doesn't appreciate everything I do, but just says it's nothing that should be appreciated, as it's "my job" and something that has to be done anyway. I also have to say that he is a MOMMAS BOY. When I'm visiting his parents, I see his dad doing the same to his mother, as my boyfriend does to me.. Before I moved in, he even always went to have dinner at his parents place.

 

I honestly don't know how to deal with it anymore and I really need some good advice here...?

 

 

Ok... im going to point this out.

 

What percentage in rent are you paying and are you paying for these dates or buying him gifts..

 

If not and your not happy leave...

 

If you want him to work-full time, pay the rent, take you out and do half the chores...

 

Your trying to have your cake and eat it to.

 

In regards to this on going household chores issue I always hear. I hope this includes mowing the lawn, painting, taking out the garbage, and raking leaves and what not. Those household chores seem to go undetected on radar.

[Els]

C'mon, guys, this thread is only 2 pages long. It's not that hard to read all of the OP's posts.

 

We pay 50/50 on rent and bills

 

Also, given that they live in a rental apartment, chances are there is no painting, leaf-raking or lawn-mowing to be done. And frankly even for those who own a suburban house, those chores take up about 10% of the total chore time anyway, thus should only count for such.

[Shining One]

OP should start paying her share on dates and other expenses covered by the boyfriend. He should start doing his share of the chores. Let them both try that for a while and then adjust accordingly until they find a balance they like. Depending on how much he currently spends, he might be able to hire a maid to come in a couple times a month for the same cost.

[Els]

OP should start paying her share on dates and other expenses covered by the boyfriend. He should start doing his share of the chores. Let them both try that for a while and then adjust accordingly until they find a balance they like. Depending on how much he currently spends, he might be able to hire a maid to come in a couple times a month for the same cost.

 

You would have to pay the twice-a-month maid quite a lot to have her do 14 days' worth of dishes for you and cook 14 meals to go into the freezer... Besides, where are you going to keep 14 days' worth of dishes without having maggots breed in them?

 

Really though, I don't get why anyone would defend the OP's bf. Based on the OP's description of him, does he really sound like he would magically do 50% of the housework if they split the cost of dates? How do you convince someone like him that it's not 'her job'? We're not exactly talking about a person who's trying to do more but not finding the time, etc. We're talking about someone who writes 'clean me' on shelves, for chrissakes.

 

FTR, if a man were dating a woman who would write "PAY ME" on dinner bills and sit there staring at them until he caves and follows the written instructions? Yeah, I'd tell him to ditch her, too. It's fine to have differing roles with mutual consent where each party volunteers to take on a particular role. Not okay to display such ludicrous entitlement.

Edited February 22, 2017 by Elswyth

[VeveCakes]

He just wanted a replacement for his mother. This is your new role with him.

 

It's too far gone for him to change without intensive therapy.

 

This is no way to live.

[Shining One]

You would have to pay the twice-a-month maid quite a lot to have her do 14 days' worth of dishes for you and cook 14 meals to go into the freezer... Besides, where are you going to keep 14 days' worth of dishes without having maggots breed in them?

Obviously this would require some restructuring of the chores. The maid would be there for the less frequent tasks, like dusting, vacuuming, laundry, etc.

Really though, I don't get why anyone would defend the OP's bf. Based on the OP's description of him, does he really sound like he would magically do 50% of the housework if they split the cost of dates? How do you convince someone like him that it's not 'her job'? We're not exactly talking about a person who's trying to do more but not finding the time, etc. We're talking about someone who writes 'clean me' on shelves, for chrissakes.

I'm not defending him. Just as I think women should pay their share, I think men should be doing their share of chores. However, the OP cannot ask for an egalitarian relationship if she is taking advantage of some traditional benefits herself. I agree with you though, it's quite unlikely that he will change. However, I think it's worth a discussion and an attempt at resolution before breaking up. You never know until you try.

[Els]

Obviously this would require some restructuring of the chores. The maid would be there for the less frequent tasks, like dusting, vacuuming, laundry, etc.

 

As someone who has once done 100% of the chores for a small, rented two-person household (no complaints in my case, it was fair as I was a student and he was paying 100% of the rent/bills, AND there were certainly no "clean me"s written anywhere!), I'd like to point out that the majority of the housework revolves around the preparation of dinner and the ensuing cleanup. Even if the maid did everything except dinner + dishes, it still wouldn't be equitable.

 

If he were to buy them dinner out or takeaway every single day so that her daily chores involved only cleaning up after takeaway and taking out the trash in addition to the less regular tasks (and she didn't do any personal errands for him), then that might be equitable.

Edited February 22, 2017 by Elswyth

[Shining One]

FTR, if a man were dating a woman who would write "PAY ME" on dinner bills and sit there staring at them until he caves and follows the written instructions?

If the OP's boyfriend were here complaining about how he always pays for his girlfriend, I would be telling him to start doing his share of the chores too before approaching her for an egalitarian shift in their relationship.

It's fine to have differing roles with mutual consent where each party volunteers to take on a particular role.

Agreed. Person A handles X while Person B handles Y. What's not okay is for Person A to tell Person B they need to start doing half of X while they are still responsible for all of Y.

Not okay to display such ludicrous entitlement.

I guess I'm not understanding all of this "hate" for the notes. Yes, writing them in dust is crude, but the concept itself seems fine to me. My girlfriend and I use post-its a lot with each other. I used them on myself for years before her.

[whichwayisup]

He obviously has old style views on women and equal rights etc.

 

Even though you love him and he makes you laugh seems the bad outweighs the good in your relationship. This isn't about love it's about how he is makes you feel overall and from you've said he makes you feel crappy most of the time.

 

Some relationships just don't work out and yours is one of them. He isn't going to change who he is and his mindset on how things should go in a relationship.

[GunslingerRoland]

He does his own laundry + towels, sheets, rags from the kitchen and the dishtowels (He uses his mothers machines though, so he refuses to wash my laundry because it would be embarrasing if his mother saw him touching my dirty underwear - GASP!).

 

Is your bf 10?

 

That would explain so much of this thread.

 

Anyway the one thing I will say on his behalf, is that you mentioned being a perfectionist. It can be hard to share household duties with someone like that, because it isn't normal to have a 100% clean house all of the time.

 

I personally wouldn't go wash one dish. Most people wouldn't.

[preraph]

It's true that if you want someone to take over a duty, you can maybe show them once how it's done if they don't know, but then you have to let them do it their way. I mean, what is the point of them doing it if you have to stand over them and still fight about it, right?

[Sweetfish]

C'mon, guys, this thread is only 2 pages long. It's not that hard to read all of the OP's posts.

 

When I moved in to his apartment, I clearly stated that I did NOT want to do all the household chores and that we need to help each other out. I study and he has a full-time job. I told him that it would be ok for now, if he just vacuum and I cook, dust, do the dishes, clean, change sheets, etc. seeing as I'm home a lot more than he is (I only have school 12 hours a week). I however also told him, that when I get a full-time job, it would have to be split more equally.

 

However, yesterday he told me otherwise. He tells me that household chores are my job and that when I get a full-time job, I would have to do them all when I get home.

Sweetheart this is my problem here...

 

So either this is a grammar tense mistake or a play on words with the OP.

 

I do want to answer this though. We pay 50/50 on rent and bills (However, he pays over half of my bill for the gym). I also do some grocery shopping but let him know when I can't afford more and then he pays - He earns 3 times as much a month more than I do. He always pays everything when we go on dates or if we have take-out. Never once asked me to pay for any of that and he never complains if I tell him I can't afford or asks if he can please pay because I can't afford it. He just does it.

He earns 3x as much and pays and NEVER COMPLAINS

 

However, the OP has 3x or more free time than he does has no problem accepting the money and COMPLAINS.

 

You slipped your self into the traditionalist construct and later want to burn your bra later into the relationship. This is the conflict I see many men and women are conflicted with. Feminist provide an imagine of a utopia that women are empowered and equal and biology still rears it ugly head.

The boyfriend ends up being the provider (by working) and the girlfriend takes the resources and in return and provides for the homestead.

 

What ever agreement you guys had in the beginning.. it seems both of you have broken the agreement.

 

 

My boyfriend has been very clear from the beginning, that he is a very honest guy. He tells me if he thinks I need to start working out again, if I've gained weight and even pin-points other parts of my body that could be "better". He thinks that nobody is ever perfect and that you can always change for the better and you should always strive to become better.

He does his own laundry + towels, sheets, rags from the kitchen and the dishtowels

Sometimes he helps cook and if I ask him to start cooking because I'll be home late or if I ask him to bring home a specific grocery needed for dinner, he'll usually do that as well. He mainly helps cooking when we have steak, because I have no idea how to cook a steak properly.

So let me get this straight... the majority of the advice here is he is disrespectful and you should leave.

 

You take that advice I think your shooting your self in the foot. because start naming other guys you've dated that is like your boyfriend... good luck finding another one.

 

At most he is a diamond in the rough and some of the things he does bothers you as he may feel the same way about you. Welcome to the end of the honeymoon period.. also know as the 3rd year glitch.

 

If this bothers you... don't get into a relationship until you are equal to the person your with... if not your at the mercy of the other person. that's just my advice.

[preraph]

Look, you can argue semantics all you want, but I, for one, am not anybody's maid and I don't CARE how much money they make or how much time I have on my hands. I got better things to do! Just because a guy has money doesn't mean a woman has to take on the role of being his maid! Those are HIS socks and his hungry stomach and his dirty dishes and who wants to be someone's mother and have to look after them like they're spoiled brats?

[Sweetfish]

Look, you can argue semantics all you want, but I, for one, am not anybody's maid and I don't CARE how much money they make or how much time I have on my hands. I got better things to do! Just because a guy has money doesn't mean a woman has to take on the role of being his maid! Those are HIS socks and his hungry stomach and his dirty dishes and who wants to be someone's mother and have to look after them like they're spoiled brats?

 

Than she is obligated to leave... who is arguing

Your twisting the statement here to fit your on construct.

 

Guy does his own laundry.

Cooks when she ask him to..

 

love how the info gets twisted here

 

It maybe you that doesn't care about how much money he makes...but the man or in some cases (woman) not to be a plow-horse or ATM that allows an entitled princess to be alleviated from being productive in the household...just because a certain group has deemed cleaning "an oppression". I much rather be at home free to roam around my house in under-wears all day than stuck in a systematic 9 to 5 for the greater good of providing for the homestead.

 

Now if the OP and the boyfriend were both working fulltime jobs that a whole other ball game... but because your triggered you cannot see beyond that..

 

If someone wants to cry about being a maid or title them selves a maid because one is home is cleaning and the other is working.. they can leave or walk.

 

 

If he works full time he is working 38+ hours plus travel.

She goes to school 12 hours a week and that's it WTF

She may have to spend... what an hour a day cleaning... possibly 2..

 

and he is footing the bill for many other things.

You have your own place with him.

you guys get along

I imagine you could do this your whole term in school and he would not complain at all.

You can get your degree or license

 

That is a sweet deal... stop complaining.

Edited February 23, 2017 by Sweetfish

[Els]

Sweetheart this is my problem here...

 

So either this is a grammar tense mistake or a play on words with the OP.

 

I thought it was fairly clear that the OP meant her bf disagreed with her request of splitting the housework evenly after she graduates.

 

Now if the OP and the boyfriend were both working fulltime jobs that a whole other ball game... but because your triggered you cannot see beyond that..

and he is footing the bill for many other things.

Didn't he say he expected her to carry on doing everything even after she graduates?

 

You have your own place with him.

you guys get along

I imagine you could do this your whole term in school and he would not complain at all.

You can get your degree or license

 

That is a sweet deal... stop complaining.

He pays for their dates and "part of" her gym membership (not sure why that arrangement came about, possibly he wanted her to go to the gym?). That is, what, $100/week tops that he spends on her? (His own part of the bill doesn't count). They split everything else 50/50 despite having differing incomes. He doesn't do anything else except the laundry and occasionally picking up a grocery item. If you can find anyone in a developed country who is willing to be my daily, personal maid for $100/week, please do let me know.

 

I don't know about you, but this is really not a 'sweet deal' for her, especially if we are projecting into the future after she graduates. If you are recommending that she just hang around and then dump him as soon as she's done with school, do you think that is ethical? Not to mention that the few free dates and partial gym membership that she gets out of it really aren't all that much of a 'benefit', her time and effort would be far better spent seeking a man who actually has LTR/marriage potential.

[preraph]

Than she is obligated to leave... who is arguing

Your twisting the statement here to fit your on construct.

 

 

I don't have any construct. I'm telling you if someone doesn't want to be someone's maid, they don't have to. How they settle that is between them, and she's working on figuring that out right now and whether or not it's worth it to her.

[preraph]

I would also offer a Gloria Pritchet quote:

"I like to sleep next to a man who is generous and giving, Jay. That man doesn't have to be you."

[Shining One]

I'll offer a quote from a female poster on here: "If you want an equal partner, be an equal partner."

 

While that may not work with the current boyfriend, it's useful advice to keep in mind for the next one. No woman has ever had to be my maid, cook, or surrogate mother.

[preraph]

I'll offer a quote from a female poster on here: "If you want an equal partner, be an equal partner."

 

While that may not work with the current boyfriend, it's useful advice to keep in mind for the next one. No woman has ever had to be my maid, cook, or surrogate mother.

 

I totally agree, but it doesn't always work, unfortunately. I think most women I know tried to be an equal partner but their man could not be persuaded. And no, they weren't mowing the lawn either. I think the better quote would be "If you want an equal partner, don't say with one who isn't."

[PegNosePete]

I think the better quote would be "If you want an equal partner, don't say with one who isn't."

Why not combine them?

 

"If you want an equal partner, be an equal partner, and don't stay with one who isn't"

[Els]

FTR, "equal" does not necessarily need to mean "50/50 on everything". In fact I personally think that's not a great way to maintain a LTR. Everyone naturally has their own strengths and weaknesses. Sometimes a person is a better driver than the other, or a better cook, or a better repairman, or earns a lot more but has less time, etc. There is nothing wrong with taking on different roles based on mutual consent and strengths.

 

"Equal", IMO, should really be redefined as "equitable". Basically, when you look at a whole picture, it shouldn't be drastically skewed, both parties should be trying to help their partner out, and both parties should be reasonably happy with the arrangement. Clearly, the OP's case is none of the above, so she should leave. But it's entirely possible that in the future, she may find an "equal" partner even if she does not pay for 50% of the dates. Her contribution in that case could be simply to cook more often than her partner while they share the cleaning, etc.

Edited February 24, 2017 by Elswyth

[Sweetfish]

I totally agree, but it doesn't always work, unfortunately. I think most women I know tried to be an equal partner but their man could not be persuaded. And no, they weren't mowing the lawn either. I think the better quote would be "If you want an equal partner, don't say with one who isn't."

 

Im not picking on you.

 

I don't know what men these women are picking and maybe thats the root of all their problems. You keep using the "maid" term. So what is a man who works and provides? I guess an ATM. This can go back and forth you know?

 

You know what is the worse possible arrangement you can make with a person... is a future arrangement. Even when your married to that person. When you become X or at this milestone we will change the dynamics.. good luck to that.

 

The thread states the boyfriend is sexist... I was expecting something totally different.

 

The O.P. leads the reader that she is working fulltime and its clear she is not The arrangement was to clean/cook while he works. She took on the role and accepted the agreement. She is also not paying 50/50.... she says buttttt he pays the gym bills and he pays for other things and he also helps cooks and doesn't complain.

 

So despite what everyone says... she is not fulfilling her agreement. It is also possible she is not going to school everyday and doing 3 or 4 days out of the 7 days.

 

The other party is going to working... for example 8am and gets back at 5 or 6pm. Then come home to clean and do his share of chores? Hi' bebe. I left half the dishes, vacuum half the house, and clean one of the bathrooms..

 

Give me a break. I wonder when people read these threads if they project their own experience... so they react without even asking questions.

 

Its also noted they live in an apartment right?.. unless they are pigs I highly doubt this is a 3hr event. The O.P. didnt state he was a slob or leaves plates all over the place and dirty underwear, but i will say guys can be messy in nature.

 

Im telling you right now women.. this is a FAST track to losing you man. We don't even know if the guy is a blue collar or white collar worker. Men if your a slob and dont contribute in any manner this is a fast trackout the door.

 

And I agree if she is unhappy she should leave... but the burden of finding your own place, work fulltime, and go to school.

 

Go for it.

 

My advice... is don't leave and stop feeling your a "maid" your simply contributing and helping you and your boyfriend out for the greater good. His 8-10 hours of work should not end with washing dishes, cleaning, and cooking. Thats insane..

 

Yes... nag him and kill any time he has to relax and have time for him self before he has to go to bed to work the next day..

 

If both are working and/or equal paying hard jobs... thats another story...

[PhillyLibertyBelle]

Write 'goodbye' in the dust and move out.

 

 

Whatever I would have written wouldn't have been as good as this.

[Els]

The other party is going to working... for example 8am and gets back at 5 or 6pm. Then come home to clean and do his share of chores? Hi' bebe. I left half the dishes, vacuum half the house, and clean one of the bathrooms..

 

If a couple is going to split household chores according to hours worked (and I don't necessarily disagree with that), should they not also split rent/bills by income earned? I mean, you can't expect the lesser earning partner to do your share of the housework but also pay 50% of the rent. That isn't equitable.

 

And I agree if she is unhappy she should leave... but the burden of finding your own place, work fulltime, and go to school.

Going by what the OP says, the only financial burden leaving would place on her is not being treated to dates and maybe having to give up a gym membership. That's hardly a huge burden nor does it mean she will have to work full time. She can get a roommate and split the rent and bills like she already does with her boyfriend. If she gets a good roommate who also splits the chores, chances are she would have a lot more free time and could pick up more hours at work or get a second part time job, hence in fact a net financial gain.

 

 

My advice... is don't leave and stop feeling your a "maid" your simply contributing and helping you and your boyfriend out for the greater good. His 8-10 hours of work should not end with washing dishes, cleaning, and cooking. Thats insane..

 

Yes... nag him and kill any time he has to relax and have time for him self before he has to go to bed to work the next day..

 

If both are working and/or equal paying hard jobs... thats another story...

The OP's bf clearly states that he expects her to carry on doing the majority of the housework even after SHE starts working full time. Is that not even more 'insane'? Edited February 24, 2017 by Elswyth

[Sweetfish]

Going by what the OP says, the only financial burden leaving would place on her is not being treated to dates and maybe having to give up a gym membership. That's hardly a huge burden nor does it mean she will have to work full time. She can get a roommate and split the rent and bills like she already does with her boyfriend. If she gets a good roommate who also splits the chores, chances are she would have a lot more free time and could pick up more hours at work or get a second part time job, hence in fact a net financial gain.

 

What the O.P. has said is she gets taken out, gets gifts, taken to concerts or what not and gets part of her gym membership paid. Sometimes she cannot afford things and he pays. She says he cooks and when asked to do errands DOES NOT COMPLAIN with the exception of washing dishes which she clearly admits is small or difficult for him.

 

She has the freedom at this time.. to go to school and have much more access to the house. I am not saying a bread winner is dominate in the house..but the person taking bread should also make contributions to the person or house who does not have access and/or time to do things.

 

again if she is not happy... she should than leave like everyone has suggested...

 

But to leave over something as minute as cleaning the house? Living with other strangers is NO walk in the park. Also, she will not have the freedom she has with her boyfriend .. She will have to again deal with maybe even a greater evil getting a roommate.

 

She has set the gears of a traditional style relationship by agreeing to cooking and cleaning

 

Im telling you women..

 

Men feel that working and providing is there way of providing love. (Many)

 

After working 10 hours you nag them into washing dishes or splitting chores and he is the breadwinner (that you don't care about his income) He will grow apart from you... He will feel his "LOVE" is not enough that your always nagging him.

 

I keep telling you guys, men love differently than women..

 

You want to live like a feminist..burn your bra before you sign the lease

 

The OP's bf clearly states that he expects her to carry on doing the majority of the housework even after SHE starts working full time. Is that not even more 'insane'?

 

Yup... and the inconsistency and shiftiness in the thread is even more insane.

 

When I complain about how I do almost every household chore, he says it's because I'm the best at it and that he could never be as good at it as I am. I do agree when it comes to dishes. I am very perfectionist and hates it when there's even one single dirty plate in the kitchen. I cannot stand it. He doesn't care if it sits on the kitchen counter for weeks, dirty. I'm fast at it, whereas he's insanely slow.

 

I can't at the moment but am willing to when I get a full-time job. I pay for what I can at the moment.

 

She agreed to do the chores if she did not have a fulltime job. She put here self in this situation and at least should say..ok on your days off you do X. Nope she submitted and took the terms, the extra money, gifts, and prizes and complain on top of that.

 

I find it hilarious that every-time someone post a problem in a relationship the answer is to run. No relationship is a utopia. Run is not always the answer unless you want to be a serial dater.. that's a whole different story

 

I agree she should leave if she is not happy... next time they need to be both financially stable and have better term and understanding.