Kind of pissed off

[Popsicle]

I've caught up with the details of this thread now and the thing that stood out to me, and this may seem unimportant but it's how I feel, is that she lives too far away from you. All this distance creates insecurity and the need to travel to see each other is draining. Find a woman closer next time.

[Popsicle]

What a crazy Valentine's Day.

[Jj66]

I haven't read this thread since around post 30, but in reading the last couple of replies, I see that there has been a break up? Good lord, what happened??? Just yesterday I saw a happy, almost perfect, couple who had a misunderstanding about a date and now we've progressed to a breakup? What in the world...? I will have to read to catch up to understand.

 

I don't really know what happened today. I just refused to play her game and go out to a bar tomorrow with friends without discussing what was bothering me first. She said she wouldn't come to my house before going to the bar. I told her it wasn't negotiable. That she should not to bother coming up at all if she wasn't willing to talk. I told her she had my number when she is ready to talk. Then I deleted any apps she might use to text me or that might tempt me to text her. She left a breadcrumb of one of our earliest selfies as a photo comment on my Facebook profile pic saying it's been fun.

 

I'm not contacting her again. If she values the relationship she can call me and we can talk like grown ups about her avoidant behavior and why I find it unacceptable in a relationship that I want to be in.

[CaliforniaGirl]

Oh no.

 

Oh gosh, I am so sorry.

[Popsicle]

I thought you were supposed to be meeting Thursday to talk? How did Wednesday date get set up? I'm so lost.

 

Either way, it does sound like she was avoiding you (or rather the discussion), and thus, dismissing your feelings.

[Lilyana76]

I'm sorry it went this way JJ, after reading things were going so well up until this point. Sadly with her dismissive behavior patterns I wouldn't hold my breath for her to talk to you about this at all.

 

I'm glad you stood your ground, and didn't play her games. Good on you for wanting to talk before drinking!

 

I know you really love her, so hopefully she will come around.

[Popsicle]

You know, sadly, I think about this topic way too much. Why would a partner do this? We know it's not loving, so why would they do this?

 

I think there are a few possible reasons:

 

a. They don't care. (my way or the highway)

b. They do care, but are conflict-avoidant (poor conflict skills)

c. They know YOU won't compromise so there's no point in discussing.

 

I'd like to note that a. could be due to pure narcissism or could be due to a build up of resentment.

[Frank13]

Did you ever think maybe she had a surprise planned for you for that day and didn't want to spoil it by telling you? Maybe she told you she was busy so you didn't make and pay for other plans because she already had it covered.

 

Who makes plans to go out with the girls two months in advance? She made sure she told you she loved you which I doubt she would do if she was pulling away or being short.

 

As soon as I read your post I thought she made plans for you two but didn't want to spoil the surprise by telling you. I'm puzzled how no one else picked up on that possibility.

 

If it's true your actions ruined it and probably damaged the relationship. If not true you still would have been better letting her do her thing and evaluate if you two are compatible.

[Gaeta]

So, I guess we could be broken up now. I just got notified on my tablet that she replied to her own comment on my profile pic. She posted up the selfie she took of us on my first date and added the caption "it's been fun"

 

I feel like I have been punched in the gut.

 

OMG! I am so sorry Jj66 !

 

Wow it says a lot about her character! Who breaks up on social media at her age !!!! This is the summum of disrespect toward you.

 

You could be broken up? JJ c'mon, you would forgive her for making a circus of your personal life on social media?

[ChatroomHero]

It really sounds like she checked out a while ago despite indicating otherwise. The two things I find telling is her having plans with a friend 2 months out and not specifically saying, "I made plans with XXX that night..." and claiming girl stuff. The other was wanting to meet at a bar with friends and not you.

 

 

It sounds like she was starting to ghost and in a round about way broke up with you by provoking you. She likely wanted you to not want to meet up with her and her friends rather in person and when you put your foot down she took advantage of the opportunity to make you the bad guy and make you the dumper so she didn't have to be.

 

 

Look at it like this, it was inevitable. She could have strung this along for another few months and your frustration would have mounted. She would have made lamer excuses each time until you called her on it and would have made you the bad guy none the less. Be happy you have balls and called her on it and didn't let it go another 6 months of misery.

[winny]

Oh wow! Had been away for some time and so shocked to see this...!

I am so sorry... I would generally say that I hope things get better between you two, but I am really not sure if this woman is the right one for you. A woman should be sweet and tender and caring, loving... not giving such blunt and confusing answers!

I agree with others who said she isn't as invested as you are. You are doing the right thing by not contacting her. I am again so sorry and I hope you get thru this...

[KBob]

She sounds like a true dismissive-avoidant. I feel your pain; I dated a girl like this a while back and it is very emotionally taxing, so I'm sorry this happened to you. I agree with others that you most likely won't hear much from her, and if you do it will most likely be her trying to pin the blame on you.

 

From what I've seen on here you seem like a very all around good guy that puts a lot of effort into your relationships, and you attract alike women: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/general/general-relationship-discussion/613807-v-day-positivity#post7227518

 

You'll find someone who appreciates and loves you more than this woman every can.

[GoreSP]

Did you ever think maybe she had a surprise planned for you for that day and didn't want to spoil it by telling you? Maybe she told you she was busy so you didn't make and pay for other plans because she already had it covered.

Nan.

Best way to avoid OP making other plans that night would be to accept seeing him that night.

 

Also WTF creates and maintains this kind of drama to makes sure the surprise isn't spoiled??

[olivetree]

I just wanted to point out that I don't think your gf/ex had plans with her gf two months away on your anniversary.

She made it up on the spot and that's why she couldn't give you more than vague answer.

I think she isn't very invested / didn't see a future and so didn't want to plan to celebrate your anniversary.

I know that sucks to hear but honestly it doesn't sound like you're losing much here.

 

I realize things have taken a turn for the worse here, and I hope you stay off the radar, even if she tries to get back in.

She is not a good partner and has shown you this many times.

 

You seem like a caring, communicative relationship-oriented person and you will be much happier with someone on the same wave length.

[Jj66]

Well after going a day with no contact, while I was out with friends at a happy hour she blows up my phone talking about some of our future travel plans in March (she was treating) as if they are still on. Giving me hotel and restaurant names and times. Using the "we" word. Then she says she misses me and asks if it's ok if she drives up tonight. Then a kiss and a heart emoji.

 

I have her text messages muted now so I didn't notice them but there were 16 messages that she sent me over the time I was there. She rarely texts. Never blows up my phone like this. Maybe I screwed up. But I answered sure, I'd love to see you.

 

She called and said she was on the way. But in that conversation she said "you and Kathy would be perfect for each other. She's so warm and loving. She's wonderful and would be a great match for you." She also made reference to herself as an emotionally unavailable loser.

 

(Back story... Kathy is one of our mutual friends that was at the happy hour I was at tonight. I'm sure my gf knew that since it's a regular thing. We had a nude hot tub experience with Kathy and another woman once. My gf once put me on the spot asking if I preferred Kathy or the other woman. I told her Kathy. My gf has occasionally made jokes with Kathy about us having a threesome.)

 

This is completely messed up and getting more messed up by the hour. She will be here in a few minutes.

[Ronnys93]

She's gas lighting you, beware!

[anna121]

Yikes!

 

Honestly, she sounds a little psycho.

[KBob]

I'm surprised you are still entertaining her after that Kathy comment. I would have told her to turn around and go home. You sure uncovered some craziness in this one.

[Jj66]

Well that was unusual. She came to the door crying.

 

She told me she would try to change. I tried to touch her shoulder. She said don't touch me. She cried some more and mentioned that her son is doing ok. I told her I was sorry I didn't mean to hurt her so badly. She said no your'e not.

 

Then I snapped and told her don't tell me how I feel. You don't know how I feel. That's the whole problem, isn't it. You don't even care how I feel. I don't accept people telling me how I feel or how I should feel. Just like your boundary is not to be touched mine is not to be told how I feel.

 

I then said softly, I'm glad your son is doing well. She shook her head with a smile.

 

I said, so you don't believe I mean that.

 

No I don't she said.

 

Then go. Go back home. I'm sorry you wasted a trip up here.

 

She left.

[KBob]

So:

 

-Ill try and set you up with my friend

-I'm crying because I'm sad about all of this

- I'll try and change for you

-but don't touch me

-you're trying to be malicious and hurt me

-I don't believe you have empathy or feelings towards me

 

 

Yeah, wayyy beyond unusual.

[Popsicle]

Good work!! She'd better get right!!!

[Jj66]

Just got this email:

 

 

 

Hi,

 

Your suit pants will be back from the dry cleaners on Saturday.. I'll mail every thing back to you after that

 

 

Have a wonderful life. You deserve it

[Ronnys93]

Just got this email:

 

 

 

Hi,

 

Your suit pants will be back from the dry cleaners on Saturday.. I'll mail every thing back to you after that

 

 

Have a wonderful life. You deserve it

 

Wow, she's really a mess. It sucks that you've had to see it all out there this late. However, it's better now than later in a marriage that you're stuck in or something.

[Popsicle]

Just got this email:

 

 

 

Hi,

 

Your suit pants will be back from the dry cleaners on Saturday.. I'll mail every thing back to you after that

 

 

Have a wonderful life. You deserve it

 

Oh what an immature girl! Is this how she handles conflict? Now I see why the experts say it's good to have a fight every now and then to see how your mate handles conflict.

[Popsicle]

And I bet she'll be texting you again!