Am I just being a paranoid idiot? [UPDATE The best relationship,then gone]

March 6, 2017

You've made the right choice, OP. She was making it pretty clear where her priorities were, and they weren't with you. Buying a home together is a huge step but it appears she wasn't ready for that type of commitment.

Going out and having fun with new friends is one thing. But coupled with her distancing behaviour, all-night binges and general detachment...it doesn't smell good.

She likely has met someone else in this new friend group, and it would only be a matter of time until you heard about her warm friendship with Matt or Jake or Other Random Male. Just my opinion.

Had you met anyone in this group? Whose sofa did she pass out on, exactly?

March 6, 2017

Thanks LitTunnel

The most hurtful aspect is that SHE was the one who wanted the house, the future etc. and then BOOM! These so called 'friends' are not healthy for her and she even said yesterday that this behaviour isn't her! I said bloody change it then!

I am a loyal man and was very patient with her hoping she was just run down etc as he work is stressful and its not a nice place. All I can do now is let her go and start the ball rolling with the house stuff

March 6, 2017

Thanks LitTunnel
The most hurtful aspect is that SHE was the one who wanted the house, the future etc. and then BOOM! These so called 'friends' are not healthy for her and she even said yesterday that this behaviour isn't her! I said bloody change it then!
I am a loyal man and was very patient with her hoping she was just run down etc as he work is stressful and its not a nice place. All I can do now is let her go and start the ball rolling with the house stuff

Bro, she's irresponsible and totally delusional. How does someone with any common sense act like this? My guess is she had this fantasy of having a home and living in it with her man. Suddenly after all the pleas you get it for her and it freaks her out when it becomes a reality because suddenly it's a commitment. Hence why she's rebelling out of nowhere. Dude, she's totally lost and freaking out. She's unstable!

March 6, 2017

LitTunnel

She is completely unstable and shs never enjoyed going out and even drinking! Her mum and dad are disgusted with her as she was usually the sweetest most caring girl. She even says that she is very lost and confused. What do I do?

March 6, 2017

LitTunnel

She is completely unstable and shs never enjoyed going out and even drinking! Her mum and dad are disgusted with her as she was usually the sweetest most caring girl. She even says that she is very lost and confused. What do I do?

I don't know the dynamics of your relationship so it's hard for me to say but from what you've described she's totally untrustworthy and irresponsible bro. She's an adult and if she doesn't understand what she's doing is totally wrong then there is not much you can do. You're not her daddy and if you start being her daddy she'll lose all respect for you. It's as clear as water that her partying with people you don't know or know little to the wee hours of the morning, crashing on people's couch drunk and doing God knows what!? Dude, wtf!?!? That's just pure retarded.

To be honest, nothing you can do. If you chase her it will only blow up her head even bigger and lose respect for you here too. Don't do it! Stay completely off her radar. Let her figure it out. Like I said she's an adult and if she's worthy to be with you then the only way for her to prove it to you is by her figuring this out on her own. Then, hopefully she'll come to her senses and come begging for you back. Even then I would still be weary. Again, I don't know you guys or the dynamics of the relationship but so far what you've said is very disturbing on her part.

March 6, 2017

Sorry man ! People think that it's easy to dump. It isn't , if you still love them and are hoping for a change. In such cases, when you had no choice but to break up , you are probably hurting more than her. But you did the right thing. She can't bring in a third person in the relationship and play you for a fool.

She took you for granted. Because you bought a house together, you aren't going anywhere so now she can make new ' friends ' and do whatever!

Now she is free to do whatever she wants. If she decides to come back , you have to set some firm ground rules. Every relationship has their own set of rules which both have to conform to. No opposite sex drama is number one in most relationships. She will come up with millions of justifications but if it's a deal breaker for you , stick to it. If she doesn't agree, let her be free to have as many ' friends ' as she wants but ultimately she will be empty and lonely.

March 6, 2017

LitTunnel

She is completely unstable and shs never enjoyed going out and even drinking! Her mum and dad are disgusted with her as she was usually the sweetest most caring girl. She even says that she is very lost and confused. What do I do?

Gosh, there are a number of ways to think about it. How old is she, and how old are you? Are both of your names on the deed and mortgage, or just yours? Is she employed full-time, in school or what? How long together? is this the first time she has acted like a teenager, or have you had other red flags?

I think you have to weigh history against recent behavior and try to understand the big picture. You're right, of course, to not put up with the staying out all night with single people drinking and couch surfing. But the question is, if she's seen the error of her ways and wants to try again, are you willing to give it another chance? Regardless of her chronological age, is she a child or an adult?

"She says she loves me and loves everything we have but that she wants to be able to go out without making me upset etc" If she's adamant that she wants to live like she's single and do as she pleases, there's probably no fix for that.

Sorry you're faced with such a situation.

March 6, 2017

OP Cut your ties with her she does not deserve you or that house. Best to letting her know how badly she messed up, Showing her that you're over her. And that your doing really well in life and ignore her completely you, must go NC (No Contact). You will also let her know that type of behavior is not acceptable by any means, also you making her face consequences. For your mental health Detach from her...

March 6, 2017

She's 23. She has really never had a "life" without you in it.

She wanted to play "house" and "happy families" with you, but when faced with a group of singles who were out to have a good time, she realised she was missing out. She is 23, at the peak of her desirability she doesn't want to be at home warming slippers...

She is not ready for domestic bliss.

She is rebelling.

Everyone says "Oh she is very mature for her age, SHE wants to settle down" until she does a complete 180 and becomes a party girl overnight.

Young women with careers usually do not want to settle down and become wives and mothers in their early/mid twenties, no matter what they may say.

The idea yes, the reality no.

March 6, 2017

OP, I've just read your previous threads.

There have been red flags about her commitment for several months. She has been going out drinking and crashing at another guy's house for a while now, and it's been clear since at least November that she's just not that invested in your relationship anymore. My gut tells me she's got her eye on someone in this group of friend.

You warned her you would walk away if this behaviour continued.

And you did. Good for you.

She made that choice, effectively. She knew what the stakes were and she kept it up anyway. That's all on her. You need to stay strong and not back down just because she sheds a few tears. She had plenty of time to curb this partying lifestyle, and she didn't. She isn't ready to settle down.

Edited March 6, 2017 by ExpatInItaly

March 6, 2017

Good morning.
I am heartbroken to say the least. I need all your advice. Me and my girlfriend had been together for three years and only to months ago we bought a beautiful house. When we moved into the house in Jan she was over the moon and was everything that we both wanted for us, we spoke about the future and everything was going great until...she works at a gym and a lot of people are young and there's a group of them and a couple are recently single. This is her first group of friends she has had in a while and she has obviously enjoyed going out socialising but she changed a lot since hanging out with them. She started neglecting me and our relationship, her parents and her sister, all of which she is really close to. I could not fault our relationship but it has done a complete 180 and everyone is hurting. She doesn't contact any of us anymore and has completely alienated herself apart from this group of 'friends'. Usually she is the most fun, caring, affectionate girl. She cries a lot at the moment and looks run down and ill. We had a fall out a few weeks ago over her staying out after a night out and not even texting me which annoyed me (obviously) and she uses that as an excuse saying 'I cant get past that argument etc etc. She says she loves me and loves everything we have but that she wants to be able to go out without making me upset etc. I told her that she CAN go out but remember that she is in a relationship now with responsibility of a house etc. It came to a stop this weekend when she went out (and so did I) but I didn't hear from her until 8.30am the following morning. She got very drunk, was sick in the pub and had to be carried back to a friends house and she woke up on the sofa! This is not her normal behaviour and she openly admitted that yesterday. I asked her to pack her stuff and move back to her parents. This was the hardest thing to do ever and it broke me seeing her sitting on the floor crying and carrying her bags to the car ( . I have had no choice, over the past few weeks I have re-assured her, told her I love her and even tried to go away from her. She is very flat and confused etc..do I now leave her alone?

You did the right thing.

As other members have stated, she may or may not have cheated. I'm going with she did cheat or has cheated multiple times..do not take her back. She's not ready to settle down and won't be until she goes out, drinks a lot, hooks up with other guys, and then she MIGHT be ready to settle down. Hopefully, it won't be with you.

Her sitting there crying was her trying to get you to let her stay and make you feel bad. She doesn't care, trust me.

March 6, 2017

I think this is the beginning of the end. Seems your gf wanted to play house then reality struck and she is realizing she wants to experience life more before she gets tied down to one person.

She is actin selfish and immature. It's up to her to realize and grow up, you can not force her. You have to decide whether you can tolerate her behaviour or not.

March 11, 2017

Hi everyone

Thank you for your comments. We have been broken up for a week now and I'm heartbroken! She has been back at her parents house and is very cold with everyone and her parents are distraught and ashamed as they said they didn't raise a daughter to treat people like this. She goes home after work,has tea and shuts herself upstairs without talking to anyone apart from her new 'friends'. I sent her a message the day after she left saying 'if you need to talk about anything then I'm here' she replied with 'I'm here for you too?'. Don't know why but I'm a good guy I guess but I've held strong and there has been no contact since then. I've been trying to stay busy and my friends have been amazing as well as her family and the hardest thing is being in the house that we have created and only had two months! I'm gutted. I know social media isn't everything but nothing has changed on Facebook. She told her sister she is in a horrible place and knows that she pushed me too far and hurt me. She thinks everyone hates her. Her manager at work is one of my best friends and he said he has noticed her standards have dropped and he is not happy about managers socialising with younger staff. I'm still trying to come to terms with her being so in love with me,being excited about the house then BOOM,completely changing

March 11, 2017

I feel for you. It's a horrible place to be. Whatever is driving her change of behaviour it is not fair on you. It sounds like she wants to be the young person going out, only she's decided to do this after marriage not before. It's not fair, it's thrown your relationship up in the air. I can only assume she is young and now wants her freedom. She is bound to be hurt and confused because you are her support, the rock she leans on. She now knows she can't have the single life and be with you. While it's tough on her, it's heartbreaking for you too. You did the right thing. You need someone more mature. I am so sorry because I understand the pain you must be going through.

March 12, 2017

Is her name on the mortgage and deed of the house and is her name on all the utilities?

If so, see a lawyer immediately so that you know your legal rights and responsibilities.

cover your legal and financial bases first and worry about your feelings and heartbreak later.

March 12, 2017

...and stop acting like she's gone off her rocker.

Her behavior is perfectly normal...

...for a young, single, party girl who is going out drinking and partying and getting down with dudes from the bar.

There is nothing unusual or out of the ordinary here. Party girls do this every weekend and a couple nights out of the week.

She thought she wanted to be all mature and grown up and stuff, but once she was dealing with house stuff and bills and utility payments and property taxes and crap, she missed partying and doing other dudes.

She thought she wanted to be grown up but once she got a taste of it, it wasn't all that fun and wasn't a good fit for her.

She's a little fish that hasn't matured and isn't ready for exclusivity and home life yet - throw her back.

March 12, 2017

and quit belly-aching to her family about it. They don't really care. They are just acting all sympathetic and concerned to be nice to you and to be somewhat supportive of you since you are a decent guy that hasn't done anything wrong.

They're being nice and sympathetic, but they don't really care. They know she's just being a party girl and they don't really want to see you hurt, but they don't actually care.

Smile and say hi to them when you run into them at the store, but otherwise move on with your own life and get out do fun things with your own friends and family and leave her and her family alone.

If she wanted to be with you and have a home and home life with you, she would.

But she'd rather drink and party and make the beast with two backs with other dudes.

The party is over here. Turn out the lights on your way out.

March 12, 2017

I feel for you because this seems like a sinking ship. I think most people responding forget that she's only 23. For many that's a fine age to get married, buy a house and have kids. But if she never had the opportunity to "have fun" and just be her prior to buying a house with you then she's not really 23 in that respect. It sounds like her parents are very disapproving of her behavior and from the outside I can see why. But at what point has she been allowed to be single and make her own life choices? Are her parents always this involved in her decisions? I'm going to guess that they might be very controlling and have set very high standards for her behavior. While this might seem like the right way to parent, it never really allows her (the child) to learn to make her own decisions. She's rebelling in a way to the tyranny of always having to be the perfect person who makes the appropriate choice at every turn. This is shown by the way she handles conflict with you. She learned at an early age to placate and not speak her mind so as to avoid conflict and make the other person happy. That's why you never fought and everything seemed perfect.

I could be wrong about the specifics but I was her at her age. I married young and basically went straight from living with a controlling mother who never allowed me to be me and make my own choices straight to living with a man who also expected me to be perfect, keep the house perfect, be little miss suzy homemaker and wasn't allowed to have friends he didn't approve of. Like her, I got a taste of the single life and I ran from the controlling atmosphere like a pack of wolves were nipping at my feet.

It was the best decision I ever made. I can look back now and know that whatever path my life took, it went that way because I did what I wanted to do, not because it was expected or because someone else wanted me to. I traveled a lot, made tons of friends, did what I wanted, when I wanted and I have no regrets. Except one. I regret not waiting until I was much older to try and settle down with one person.

Your girlfriend needs to spread her wings and find out what she really wants out of life. If you two were really meant to be together, you'll find your way back to one another. Or perhaps you'll both find that you were meant to take different paths. Either way, she's obviously not prepared to settle down and be tied to one person for every decision she makes right now.

March 12, 2017

I'm still trying to come to terms with her being so in love with me,being excited about the house then BOOM,completely changing

I had this happen to me a number of times back in my youth.

One weekend it was all "I-love-you"s and puppy dog eyes and "we'll-be-together-forever"s and by the next weekend it's flat affect, no eye contact and statements of "I don't know where I am at......" and, "I am changing" etc etc

Each and every time without fail there was another dude(s) in the picture.

My biggest regret now when I look back is that I didn't turn around and walk away right then and there.

I don't regret the love and relationships that were lost. I don't regret having people lose their love for me in a matter of days (it hurt at the time, but I don't regret or begrudge it now)

What I regret now is the time I wasted trying to chase after them and trying to get back with them and trying to figure out what their problem was and fix it. That's what I regret. I regret the time I spent spinning my tires trying to get back with them instead of going out with my buddies or engaging in my hobbies or going out with other girls.

after awhile down the road, she will just be another girl that you dated and another person that you knew. If you walk away from this you won't have any lingering regrets.

But if you keep burning daylight and wasting your time and your youth chasing after her and whining to her family and trying to get her back, you will regret the time and energy wasted trying to chase her that you could have been doing other things.

March 12, 2017

Thanks again for the replies. I haven't bugged her or tried to make contact with her as I'm not a controlling or pushy guy. All I want is a straight answer from her as I've been left in limbo and feel a bit deceived. I was renting a lovely apartment closer to my work and was saving hard. When she found the house I thought life was perfect so I went with it. It was all her wanting this and that and now I'm stuck with a house that I'll have on my own! When we broke up she blamed it on trivial things which now I'm starting to see are a cover up for her real reasons. The hardest thing is waking up on my own in our big king size oak bed that SHE picked, everything in this house is ours and it's like a torture chamber for me at the moment and due to her age it will be ME sorting out all the details of bills, lawyer etc. It's a complete mess and so I am

March 12, 2017

Again it is a case of the older guy, you're 36, trying to make a "wife" out of a 23 year old and getting seriously hurt and disappointed in the process.

23 yos do sometimes shack up with bfs but they do not buy houses together. They rent, and when it all goes pear-shaped which it often does, they tear up the lease and move easily on.

In your previous thread you were concerned she was getting cold feet over buying the house, and at that time you still had time to pull out, but despite all to a man saying "Don't buy the house with her", you still went right ahead...

BUT at 36, time is moving on for you. YOU lost another long term gf because you weren't ready to commit and settle down, so you didn't want to make that mistake again.

You wanted to lock this one down by buying a house together, and for her to play happy families with you, but she is a people pleaser and wants to make everyone happy so of course she would want that...but that isn't who she really is at 23.

The age gap essentially killed you.

She wants to live like a singleton and have you as her "dad" and security blanket, still providing security, stability and comfort.

At 36, you want to settle down as it is the right time for you, at 23 and after being with you for 4 years and losing all her chances to be young, free and single, she just grew up and realised the world is her oyster. Poring over sofa catalogues was fun for a start, now it is boring compared to going out and having a laugh with her friends. At work she has a ready supply of mates to go out with, so she doesn't want to be stuck at home with you and miss all the fun.

As oldshirt says she has not gone "mad", she is just behaving like many 23 yo young women in 2017. She is now looking at guys her own age and is now liking what she sees, as they are now men, not boys any longer.

In her late twenties, early thirties, she will likely be ready for a cottage, a garden and a king size oak bed, but not yet...

March 12, 2017

You're 36????????

One of these days I'm gonna have to learn to look through previous posts!

Anyway, it's time for you to grow up too. Stop whining about your feelings and get a lawyer.

If she signed the mortgage and her name is on the utilities and the property taxes etc etc she is still legally and financial responsible for her share of the financial burdens of home ownership whether she is living with mommy or not.

Get a lawyer and have her served for her share of the home expenses.

It will be a big growth and learning experience for both of you.

March 12, 2017

...and then once you are done with all the legal and financial stuff, it will be very wise to look deeply into why a 32 year old was going to a 19 year old for a relationship.

Sure, a 19 year old is firm and cute and sexy - that would explain a hook up or two if you could pull it off; but the real question here is why were you trying to lock down a 19 year old instead of an adult woman in your own age range??

While most people assume grown men pursue 19 year olds because they're firm and sexy, the real reason is often much more insidious.

It's a combination of control and self-esteem. If a guy is immature and has some kind of shortcoming and he want's to control someone and call all the shots, it's most likely that a 32 year old woman is going to see through him and tell him to go #$@^ himself.

But a 19 year old is going to think that this apparent adult is into her because she's so cute and sexy and that he is able to see her as a grown up and see all her wonderfulness that no one else can.

But the reality is the man-child in the adult body can't get an adult woman because the adult woman can see through his crap and won't let him dictate her, so has no other options than to try to groom inexperienced and immature women who are barely legal adults.

If you don't want to be stuck in this pattern of being the creepy old man hustling teenagers and underclassmen coeds, and don't want to be stuck in this pattern of getting involved with young women who will ultimately yearn to experience their youth, you will have to address your underlying maturity and self esteem issues that are hampering your ability to relate to and form relationships with adult women.

March 12, 2017

I didn't realize how old you are, OP.

I'm 36 too. And there is no way in heck I'd consider dating someone that much younger. Despite her earlier proclamations, she is just not in the same life stage as you and she is not ready to settle down. As a few others have pointed out, her behaviour is not all that unusual for a girl her age, especially one who's only really ever dated you seriously. I don't mean to suggest that this an excuse for her hurtful actions, but it seems to you were expecting her to behave like a woman closer to your own age rather than a woman in her early 20s getting a taste for the party life. Your probably got a lot of that out of your system a while ago, but she's just entering that phase.

I agree with another poster who suggested you need to ask yourself why you were pursuing a teenager when you were already in your 30s. I get she was legal, but you have to know it's odd for a man your age to have gone after such a young girl. That was a big risk you took there.

Edited March 12, 2017 by ExpatInItaly

March 12, 2017

Hi

Thank you again for your replies. When I met Katie I was very aware of the age gap and this was at the fore front of my mind. But at the time we got on like a house on fire and she seemed very mature and knew what she wanted. The relationship developed and here we are. It's not nice to be classed as 'creepy' or 'immature'. I am neither of those things and have always been laid back with her and never held her back from doing anything. We both strive in our careers and she told me that the whole going out scene was never for her and that she got that done out of her system befire she met me,hence why at the time I took her word for it and took a gamble. I was happy and single at the time but things progressed. I'm just looking for advice from everyone,that's all. She knows that I was committed to her 100% but now the new group of friends are her priority and nothing comes close. The pull was too great for her and I do agree with you that she is just living like a 23 year old. I never tried to control her or mould her.i was always very supportive and the best bf I could be for her

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Am I just being a paranoid idiot? [UPDATE The best relationship,then gone]

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