Buying our first house but things are tense!

[MarkV]

Hi

I've been with my girlfriend for three years and it's the best relationship I've ever had. We have good jobs,loving families etc,it's all perfect! We have decided to buy our first home which is a stunning little cottage and we are at the point of exchanging contracts and setting a moving date. However since our mortgage got approved she has been working constantly and its become a bit of a thorn.

 

I'm putting down a larger deposit than her and she feels like she has to save hard to compete,but I told her that I'm not bothered about money,it's all covered and cool. She works shifts in a gym but also runs her own sports massage company so she has been doing regular 12-15 hour days. When she gets home she is exhausted! I do everything for her to relax such as cook,clean,run baths etc.

 

She's such a good hearted girl that she always seems to want to make everyone else happy and help them when she can but she's forgetting me, her mum/dad etc and people are concerned. For example,she wants a promotion at work so she and a couple of her managers stayed behind after a late shift to paint the gym and she got in a 3am covered in paint! Some people she works with are not nice and because she works with males, have started vicious rumors about her being close to her male gym colleagues which is really upsetting her.

 

She needs to reconnect with the people in her life who matter most and I don't feel like a priority at the moment. I had a chat with her last night because it was our date night but instead she stayed at work again because one of her colleagues had his house broken into and she had to cover his shift. When she came home she was so sorry and kept apologizing etc.

 

So what do I do? We both love the house and she's agreed in Jan and told her boss that she wants to drop a shift. The contracts have to be handed in two days time.

 

We've come so far and we do love each other loads,it's the past month it's been like this and it seems it's a combination of her work,her worrying about money and her work status etc. Thanks for reading

Edited November 26, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Sweetfish]

This is not good man and looks to be a all to familiar scenario. It's very possible she is going to bail on you or possibly having second thoughts.

 

The paying for the deposit.

The cooking

Cleaning

Running the bath.

 

These things sound all good. Nice guys like to do these things. Other women like to hear these things. But usually the women who experiencing it will start to pull away.

 

What you created is a pedestal and it's possible that the men at work give her attention and the attraction has shifted towards one of them.

 

The more you sit down and talk to her.. the more it will fuel the idea that something isn't right for her that the magic spark is gone. If you change anything you do, like cooking or running these baths she will think something is wrong and call you out.

 

It will be a stalemate with possibly the same end resukt or I could be %100 wrong and I'm talking crap... but my money is on she is having cold feet... plus it's 3 years into the relatinship... that's grass is greener time.

 

Prepare and tread carefully.. if I were in your shoes... I would rent before buy... I would kill the contract or the alternative is talk to her...but she can tell you everything is fine... now

[Been]

Been there. DONT by a house together. If you can afford it buy it yourself. If not let the contract go-TRUST me on this.

When you buy a house together thier shouldn't be any problems like you just stated. Because once you purchase the house any problems arise it's going to be really bad and set you back YEARS.

I'm going to let you in on a little secret-if people start saying she's doing things with people chances are she is. It might not be exactly what they say but it will be something. People kept telling me my ex was doing things and I ignored it until I saw it myself. Nobody usually is just going to start a random rumor. They might embellish but usually thier is something to the rumor.

Do not buy a house together until you check some things out.

[Been]

You know what I did?I knew someone my ex worked with so I just went up and talked to them. Most people if they know someone is doing something wrong will drop hints to you. My exs coworker came right out and said she was trash.

[Superchicken]

I would also NOT go into any contract or house buying.

Why would you need to do it right now ?.

There's always another bargain somewhere else.

Save, save, and then save more.

Like the others, I also recommend your rent.

But, as "Been" said, lookout for Late working wives, especially when rumors exist. When something smells like S*it, it normally means "Its S*it"

At least spend a little time to remove all doubt. For Pete's sake, read some of the cheating posts, and compare your situation.

What's the worst that can happen. You look like an idiot. But, a happy idiot.

 

 

Ted.

[veggirl]

You aren't married or even engaged... would you buy a house with your buddy? This is the same thing!!

[Been]

It's just that in my experience when rumors get started it always is because of SOMETHING occurred to give the rumor fuel. Nobody makes up a complete lie just to do it.

[Frozensushi]

I had a buddy who dated this very sweet and kind girl who started "working late" all the time, started missing date nights and was not behaving as she usually did. One night he went to surprise her at work and the place was closed. He went home and later when she arrived, she acted like she was exhausted from working such a late shift. He confronted her and she tried to make an excuse but eventually caved. She had been seeing a guy from her job 4 nights a week for months.

 

My friend didn't handle it well. He even forgave her and tried to make it work, but I think she kept seeing the other dude.

 

Not saying your GF is cheating or doing anything mischievous, but it does happen sometimes. When someone you are close to has a predictable routine and then it begins to change, I feel it's a good idea to investigate.

[Hoosfoos]

 

The paying for the deposit.

The cooking

Cleaning

Running the bath.

 

These things sound all good. Nice guys like to do these things. Other women like to hear these things. But usually the women who experiencing it will start to pull away.

 

 

It's funny how women claim they want this in a relationship, but once they get this treatment on a regular basis they start to lose attraction.

[spiderowl]

I don't think you can assume she's having an affair. She might genuinely be working hard and trying to please others at work. It is easy to take a partner for granted, especially if you trust him to be there for you.

 

I do think if you keep doing things for that are all lovey-dovey, she will take it for granted. Yes sure, do them occasionally, but spoiling her like you are is just going to make her think you are concerned she is working too hard and you are enabling her to do that. Maybe she needs to work hard at the moment but she does need to consider you too. She may think that, by your actions, you are grateful to her for being so hard-working and that it's ok.

 

I do think that having a talk with her is not necessarily a good idea. You would effectively be pressuring her into spending more time with you and that would put you in a weaker position. I think like others say, it would be better if you were not around occasionally and when you were that you did not reward her for working late when it wasn't necessary.

 

Spend less time with her and see how she feels about you doing that. I think then you will get your answer about how much she values you.

 

I would not buy the house at this point. In fact, I would tell her you are not prepared to go ahead with it because you feel uncertain about the relationship now. I would not ask anything of her, just to make it clear that the ground has shifted for you, if not her. However, be prepared for her to call it quits if so. Bailing on buying a house is a big thing, a defining moment.

[ElizabethIII]

Dont buy a house with her. Pull out of it. You are not married or even engaged. If she has less money than you, if you break up and have to sell the house, you both have to agree to the sale or it cannot be sold, and what if one of you cannot afford to buy the other out?

 

Buy your own home and leave her out of it.

 

Also think about it: we are all grown adults here, as a show of hands, how many people would make up vicious rumors about a colleague that they were sleeping with others? If we knew it really wasnt true, how many people would do that just to be nasty? Virtually none.

 

I have to say, one of my best friends is a gym instructor and she is having sex with one of her gym buddies behind her boyfriends back.

12-15 hours a day working and always happy to take another class? yeah and throw in an extra shag after class to, it is so easily done.

 

Cheating aside, dont buy a house with her. If there is any doubt in your mind about your relationship, you will never be able to back out. The reason is you are not married. I can see from your history that you are from England. If you were married and divorcing, the English Courts would have the power to transfer property and redistribute wealth. But you arent married. If you break up, you cannot sell that house without the others agreement, there will be no court involvement and one will have to buy the other out and if you cant afford to, you cant sell it. Just dont risk it.

[MarkV]

Well here's an update. We had a long chat last night and she opened up. The stress of buying a house has taken its toll on her and she's worried about losing her savings as her deposit takes most of it. She said she's working loads to claw back her money as she wants to start her own business next year when we are settled and that she's already dropped a shift in the new year to have more time for me. I asked her to be completely honest with me and she said she's scared as she dreads us breaking up in the future. She said she's wants the house and that the whole process has taken so long that the initial buzzing excitement has started to go a bit. She said this is why she stays a bit later at work because most of her friends work there and it takes her mind off the stress. She wants a baby in the future and I broke up with my ex of 7 years as I wasn't ready. She thinks I may do the same with her but I've never wanted to progress this much with a girl and make these commitments as she ticks the boxes. I'm pretty sure she's not cheating as she works with some of my friends and I could easily do my homework to find out. Like some of you have said,don't buy the house. Her folks are devastated at all this and just want their old daughter back,they understand and listen to me and see it from my side. They've tried talking to her and she just seems to be heaping everything onto her own brain.

[Sunkissedpatio]

Hi

Some people she works with are not nice and because she works with males, have started vicious rumors about her being close to her male gym colleagues which is really upsetting her.

 

She said she's wants the house and that the whole process has taken so long that the initial buzzing excitement has started to go a bit. She said this is why she stays a bit later at work because most of her friends work there and it takes her mind off the stress.

 

Not trying to sound offhanded but exactly how nice and giving is your girlfriend? Those two points really stood out for me.

 

She's so stressed out she stays at work because that's where her friends are? The same friends that are making rumours up about her?

 

I'm sorry this situations doesn't sound good. Something is going on and she is getting cold feet and she is telling you between the lines that perhaps something or someone at work has caught her attention.

 

If she is so stressed from life and about to buy a house with you and wants to have babies etc. you would think you would be the one place she wants to be to get away from it all, not the mean-spirited colleagues she is hurt by because they are stirring up the rumour miill about her.

 

Can you trust all your friends that work with her?

[Sweetfish]

And the parents are talking to her as well.

 

This is twice as bad than expected.

 

Please explain the old daughter back?

[ExpatInItaly]

She isn't ready for this.