MarkV Posted February 10, 2012 Posted February 10, 2012 Hi everybody,advice needed. Me and my girlfriend were together for nearly six years and rented a place together for five years. Im 31 and she is 25. We got on very very well and love was never a problem. We always kept our independent lives with friends and it worked well. Neither of us ever cheated and everyone was jealous of our relationship. Last year she went travelling for four months. She asked me to go with her but i went and worked in usa for 6 weeks as it was for my career. I told her to go have some fun with the girls and that i would hold the fort financially whilst she was away. She could have stayed out there but came home because she missed me. We spoke about kids and our future but in the last 2 years i have saved so much of my money and she has been in between jobs (for which i supported her with her rent,car,overdraft etc). When she wanted to talk about our future ill openly admit that i was a little distant but never in a nasty way. Its just an old school approach from her family that because I earn more and have all my savings I should be willing to provide everything. All i asked from her is a little help and not to pressure me. She would still go out and buy new clothes though (which i was cool about as i understand she is a girl) So on nye 2011 she told me that she was feeling confused about our future because i havent wanted to talk in depth about it and seem excitement. I can admit that i could have talked more. The next day she told me that she was going to move out!! This completley shocked me. She is now renting a bedroom at a friends house and has been very run down and ill since it all happened. Before she left I told her and reassured her that I wanted all of the future things with her and that we had both taken each other for granted and got comfortable. In between the initial talk and her moving out (one month),she took us to a day spa and still did little things for me (bought me tea etc). On the last day of her moving out she came into my bedroom and was in a mess (crying,cuddled me). Since she left I had to drop some stuff at her neighbours house (who is my best friend). I text her to say it was there and she replied by saying i could come round if i want?? My heart sank but I went round and made no effort to talk about what had happened between us. When i left we had a really long hug at the door and I could tell she was crying. She text me last week to say she had taken herself off the rental agreement (which we agreed was the best thing to do).I said thanks and asked if she wanted to hang out soon with no talk about the past etc. She said yeah sure but was quite busy this week. I replied with no problem,ill leave it with you. She said ok speak soon. Im 99% sure there is no other guy as most nights she is in that house. She has told mutual friends that she hasnt been out on dates because it not the reason she moved out. She has also said to my close girly friend that if i now went and bought a house she would be upset because i didnt do it when we were together and that if we got back together it would be my house and not one we have chosen together?! I dont know what to think about all this. I love her endlessly and have given and helped her so much. She just wants kids and marriage etc before she is 30 and told me that iv never seemed to want that and that we hadnt taken a big step in our relationship. To make matters worse,a month before she left I asked her to take a weeks holiday. I was going to book a trip to africa and propose to her. I put £300 deposit down on a ring and a month later she ended it. I didnt tell her about the ring as i didnt want her to feel guilty but I did tell her that i was thinking of proposing..any thoughts would be so good..thanks guys
Million.to.1 Posted February 10, 2012 Posted February 10, 2012 i don't understand. She broke up with you because you wouldn't talk about a future, yet you had a future and a proposal planned? why did you let her leave? Why aren't you honest with her and tell her that you do see a future with her and it's what you want. Why aren't you making an effort to make her stay if it is what you want?
KathyM Posted February 10, 2012 Posted February 10, 2012 You waited too long and appear too hesitant to propose to her. She made it clear she wanted marriage and children. You seemed ambivalent and stalled. Now she thinks you are just taking this seriously because you feel forced to, and you don't really want to take that next step (marriage). You've stalled too long. You've given her the impression that marriage is not what you really want. Six years is a heck of a long time for her to be waiting around for you to pop the question. If you are serious about getting her back, you need to go over there with the ring in hand, propose to her, and assure her that you really want to take this next step in your relationship. Assure her of your feelings for her and your desire to spend the rest of your life with her and have children with her. She has told you that is what she wanted. When you stalled and were so slow to move past just living together, she got cold feet about the relationship, and was concerned that you didn't have it in you to take that next step, or that you would be doing so with reluctance or ambivalence. That doesn't assure her that you would make a good life partner, so she is cutting her losses at this point. You need to convince her that you are ready to take that next step. Don't just talk about it--bring the ring and propose so she knows you are serious about it.
Author MarkV Posted February 10, 2012 Author Posted February 10, 2012 She said that this is the right move for her at this point. When she was still at the house for two weeks I tried endlessly to keep her and constantly reassured her that i wanted her.I couldnt seem to break through the barrier she has up. Im afraid that if I go to her now that ill be pushed further back as she acts like this is her right choice. She has put fbook status' saying 'lost' etc. Before she left she said she cares about me and loves me but not sure how much because i pushed her away..its opened my eyes and i did tell her that too
Chi townD Posted February 10, 2012 Posted February 10, 2012 Problem is dude, you kept her on the hook for too long. Sooner or later that fish is going to jump off the line. I mean, 6 years dude?
Author MarkV Posted February 10, 2012 Author Posted February 10, 2012 Yeah I agree I did and i admitted that to her said i was sorry. She told me that she was scared to try again at the moment in case five years down the line things are still the same
Eddie Edirol Posted February 10, 2012 Posted February 10, 2012 Dude you screwed up royally. Since you didnt want to marry her within 3 years, she is thinking you never really wanted to. So even if you show up with a ring, she will think you are doing it because you cant have her now. I say give the ring a shot, but she will have it in her head that marriage isnt what you really wanted, no matter what you told her previously. Talk is cheap, actions speak the truth, and to her, the truth looks like you never wanted to marry her.
Cypress25 Posted February 10, 2012 Posted February 10, 2012 I put £300 deposit down on a ring and a month later she ended it. I didnt tell her about the ring as i didnt want her to feel guilty but I did tell her that i was thinking of proposing Did you write a check for that deposit? Do you have a bank statement that shows it? If so, show it to her. I know, that would ruin the surprise, but she doesn't believe you when you say you were thinking about proposing. You've got to prove it to her. A bank statement (with the date on it) would prove that you were doing more than just thinking about it. Yes, you took too long, but I don't think you've lost your chance yet.
Million.to.1 Posted February 11, 2012 Posted February 11, 2012 Did you write a check for that deposit? Do you have a bank statement that shows it? If so, show it to her. I know, that would ruin the surprise, but she doesn't believe you when you say you were thinking about proposing. You've got to prove it to her. A bank statement (with the date on it) would prove that you were doing more than just thinking about it. Yes, you took too long, but I don't think you've lost your chance yet. YES. This. Try one last time to explain. Tell her that she doesn't have to give you an answer and for her to take as much time as she needs to think things through. Then do not initiate anymore contact with her. Tell her that you will not be contacting her and if she really wants to end things, then that is her choice and you will respect that. Then it's over to her to reach out, if and when she wants to, and you will not run the risk of pushing her away further, she will have space and time to miss you, and you can have some time to re evaluate why you acted the way you did. She probably feels taken for granted and that you were complacent. She may take a while to come around, if at all, and this is going to be tough one for you. i'm subscribing.
Dark Phoenix Posted February 11, 2012 Posted February 11, 2012 Wow! Ok first off, you did not do anything wrong, dv123, I assure you of that. Her actions towards the end represent everything that someone goes through to try and break free of the "curse" This wasn't your fault and even if you would have gotten married 2 years earlier, this would have been the same outcome + divorce + possible kids. Look at the age range 19-25 she was with you. You have got a classical case of GIGS on your hand http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t251986/ This thread by homebrew should give you some insight into whats going on. I can also help as well
coltsfan1 Posted February 11, 2012 Posted February 11, 2012 (edited) Ok, I am going to level with you and share a lesson I learned. i was 26 and I met a young gal when she was 19 and a new mother, at the beginning I was her hero, her knight in shining armor. Now fast froward 4 years, she has her figure back, gets into the whole bar scene, and has a steady boyfriend. This is where it goes down hill. Here in lines the answer, if you are like me we had the chance to DEVELOPE. We made bad decisions and learned from them THEN we met someone we wanted to try and have a relationship of depth with. The trouble is the person we chose had not had those same maturing experiences. I battled for over a year with the same situation what you have to except is much like my EX these gals are young and all they knew of adult hood was US. They need to go and make some bad/different decisions and mature as people. Be glad you didn't marry her it would have ended in divorce, let her leave and grow. She will either be a better person and potential spouse for someone or the gal you know and love will be lost forever. One way or another you have to let her go and grow. Buy your house and let her work out whatever she needs to, your breakup isn't bad. What I mean by that is in the future there could be a chance for reconciliation, but in the mean time move on as best you can. if you still see each other and talk she will at least see that you are a mature adult and ready to settle down. Best of luck my friend, you may still win out in the end just play your cards correctly and close to the chest! Edited February 11, 2012 by coltsfan1
Author MarkV Posted February 11, 2012 Author Posted February 11, 2012 Guys thank you so much for your thoughts and advice. Its nice to hear. I dont think proposing now will make any difference as she is obviously hurt and im mature enough to know that its the wrong move to do right now. It will seem too fake and i wanted to do it somewhere special. I sometimes forget that she is 24 and i feel like her 4 months travelling gave her independence to deal with this situation. She moved out 1 month ago and iv only had contact twice to give her some stuff back. There has been no anger, hostility etc and both of us are struggling with the situation. The only thing that annoys me is that she has a lot of single mum friends who are in her ear saying 'well if he has all those savings why wont he buy you two a house if he loves you'. She says she wants kids,marriage etc before she is 30 and i did reassure her i wanted those things but when i feel ready too. I said one step at a time,lets get a house first and i told her I was getting excited about choosing one with her. It seems a bit too late at the moment and im being strong and nc. This is what confuses me as i said i was going to fight for her but that i respect her decision. She has recently told friends that she is so grateful for the space i am giving her
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