Miyoko Posted August 22, 2017 Share Posted August 22, 2017 A cheating spouse can never... apologize enough. Never. The fact that he even thought about taking her back should be seen by her as the greatest gift she has ever gotten, ever. That is what most Waywards just never understand. They should spend their time and energy looking for ways to comfort the Betrayed spouse. Then, eventually but not forever, the BS stops having nightmares and mind movies and they stop triggering for the most part. Until that time, and really anytime if the future that something comes up, the Wayward Spouse she look for every opportunity to apologize and comfort the Betrayed spouse. Those that don't do this can count on getting a divorce. I agree with all of this! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
usa1ah Posted August 31, 2017 Share Posted August 31, 2017 How are things going ZH? Link to post Share on other sites
Author zombiehead Posted September 15, 2017 Author Share Posted September 15, 2017 USA, thanks for asking, I'm still alive sums it up well. We are together, I'm still very angry and trying to heal. We don't speak about it, I feel like I will never know all the details or if she ever met an online lover in person. I'm trying to move forward which is basically sweeping this under the rug, forget it about it, move forward, make new happy memories, don't dwell on the past, you can't change the past, life is short make the best of it, enjoy each day, blah blah blah. Our anniversary is coming up next week, I'm only going to get her a card. I have so much anger inside towards her, I keep it locked down deep. When I'm alone working out, running, mountain biking I let the anger out, I workout harder, I run faster, I push myself further on my bike. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr Blunt Posted September 15, 2017 Share Posted September 15, 2017 I have so much anger inside towards her, I keep it locked down deep. What are YOU doing for YOU? Stop leaning on your betraying wife to make you better, she is a weak person and cannot do enough for you to get rid of your self-destroying anger. You have repeated many times about how much you are struggling, enough already….Do you really want to get better?...List your plan for YOU to get better! 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Birdies Posted September 15, 2017 Share Posted September 15, 2017 That sounds like a terrible way to stay in a marriage, and a poor example of what a functional relationship is for your kids, and with no end in sight. Rugsweeping doesn't work, no matter how awesome it makes you on the mtb :/ 2 Link to post Share on other sites
bigman1 Posted September 15, 2017 Share Posted September 15, 2017 Zombie, Zombie, zombie, You are choosing the path that leads to catastrophic failure. I siggest that she needs to do more, but in the end, and I am about to use a basketball metaphor, you cannot make a 6 foot point guard play the role of a 7 foot center. You have to be honest too. You owe her and you and your marriage honesty. Your anger, what triggers it, the scope of it, the level of it, and all of its ugliness must be shared. You also need help with it. It may be manifesting as anger, but is in fact something else. It may be anger on top of something else. Unless you are out with it....one day, failure. Whatever that means at the time. Maybe you see that she will never get it and you are angry because you can't believe that she would do this AND not get what needs to be done to fix it and you hate knowing that is your life from now on. Maybe it is something else like you don't want to be starting over from scratch with someone else or at least having to try. You will never know until you are honest and both have to deal with the fall out of your anger. You've ridden this crap storm pretty hard and long and done well. Keep on. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted September 15, 2017 Share Posted September 15, 2017 USA, thanks for asking, I'm still alive sums it up well. We are together, I'm still very angry and trying to heal. We don't speak about it, I feel like I will never know all the details or if she ever met an online lover in person. I'm trying to move forward which is basically sweeping this under the rug, forget it about it, move forward, make new happy memories, don't dwell on the past, you can't change the past, life is short make the best of it, enjoy each day, blah blah blah. Our anniversary is coming up next week, I'm only going to get her a card. I have so much anger inside towards her, I keep it locked down deep. When I'm alone working out, running, mountain biking I let the anger out, I workout harder, I run faster, I push myself further on my bike. I don't see the situation changing anytime soon. ZH has clearly made his decision to be a martyr for his family and sweep his feelings and the issues in his marriage under the rug... He seems insistent on holding the anger inside and punishing his wife passive aggressively for his betrayal. Not a healthy long term strategy, IMHO. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
coolheadal Posted September 15, 2017 Share Posted September 15, 2017 Caught my wife taking nude photos of herself with her phone. Asked what she was doing and she said they were for her, then she said they were for me? We dated 3 years and have been married for 12 years and she has never sent me a nude pic or a sexy pic for that matter. One week goes by, I hear her in our bathroom so I peek in and she is again taking nude pics of herself and posing too. I don't say a word for 3 days hoping the pics will be coming to me but nothing came. Last night I confronted her about the 2nd nude photo shoot I witnessed. I told her to give me her phone so I can check it. She has her phone locked and will not let me in it. I told her there needs to be 100% transparency in our marriage. She through a fit about this slamming doors saying everyone is needs privacy. This is all new with her. She never locked her phone, she has also shut down her email on our shared home PC. She is always on her phone and she seems very happy, like she is a teenager or something. Also she is being overly nice to me, telling me I'm her best friend, we are a team, initiating sex all the time. There is something going on. There is a rat in the woodpile. I think she is having an affair. My gut is screaming at me. I'm going to try to find a way to get in her phone and see what she is up too. Do you people think I'm crazy or do you think she is having an affair? My Ex wife did the same thing it's called voyeurism. You have lost your wife and it's time to get a lawyer for divorce. Lock your saving or checking account down she's having fun on your behave with another guy! Link to post Share on other sites
usa1ah Posted September 16, 2017 Share Posted September 16, 2017 Hey ZH, you have to find a way to kill the anger. Anger and resentment over time will kill your love for your wife. I personally know this by my own experience. Link to post Share on other sites
Author zombiehead Posted September 18, 2017 Author Share Posted September 18, 2017 Our son wrote in his school journal that he doesnt like it when mom and dad fight. Link to post Share on other sites
Methodical Posted September 18, 2017 Share Posted September 18, 2017 There is no healing when you hold on to anger. Children aren't ignorant. They absorb your energy, good or bad. Link to post Share on other sites
Author zombiehead Posted September 18, 2017 Author Share Posted September 18, 2017 We havent had a yelling fight in months. In his school journal the instructions were to list your likes and dislikes. So he said he doesnt like it when mom and dad fight. Im sure his teacher read that and I'm embarrassed that she knows there must be some issues in our marriage. I keep the resentment and anger hidden deep inside. I acted happy all the time like our dog. When I come home and go straight to her and give her a bug hug and kiss then I do the same with the twins. She is off social media and focused on the family and seems happy. Inside me is still the pain the resentment the anger. I think to kyself that I'm married to an online sl-ut. Who is she, who does that, what does it mean? I dont think about the other men which is a step forward I think more about why she did it and will I ever know how far she took it. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted September 18, 2017 Share Posted September 18, 2017 To be fair, I think it's reasonable to think that lots of kids would hate it when their kids fight... Kids are perceptive. They know when parents are not getting along, even the mundane daily things... But, if you think that you are fooling your kids by putting on a happy face... Well... Kids are not stupid. You kids must know that something is going on in your home. You are probably fooling yourself if you think that they don't know that you are angry and that there are problems... Link to post Share on other sites
usa1ah Posted September 18, 2017 Share Posted September 18, 2017 We havent had a yelling fight in months. In his school journal the instructions were to list your likes and dislikes. So he said he doesnt like it when mom and dad fight. Im sure his teacher read that and I'm embarrassed that she knows there must be some issues in our marriage. I keep the resentment and anger hidden deep inside. I acted happy all the time like our dog. When I come home and go straight to her and give her a bug hug and kiss then I do the same with the twins. She is off social media and focused on the family and seems happy. Inside me is still the pain the resentment the anger. I think to kyself that I'm married to an online sl-ut. Who is she, who does that, what does it mean? I dont think about the other men which is a step forward I think more about why she did it and will I ever know how far she took it. Not with out her help. If she is unwilling to give the complete truth, then you would never know it. ZH you said you would give it to the new year. If can't have the complete truth then control terms with that and what it means to you and moving forward. Then come to terms with what you know your wife did and if you can move forward in the relationship. Have everything ready for the new year so you can seat down with your wife and talk freely about it. There were certain things that you have mentioned that she said that gave me a sense of WTF when you related them. The biggest was when she mentioned that at least she didn't have a PA like other women. Did she actually consider having one and chose the lesser of two evils? Her reaction has not been one of remorse for what she has done but one of get over it already. I think this is what is fueling your anger and I have no way out for you. Unless by some miracle she won't change and you will head for divorce after the first of the year. Then she might realize how this has hurt you and show real remorse or she will be glad to see the relationship end. I have always heard and believe, you have to be willing to lose the marriage to save it. Later ZH 1 Link to post Share on other sites
usa1ah Posted October 9, 2017 Share Posted October 9, 2017 We havent had a yelling fight in months. In his school journal the instructions were to list your likes and dislikes. So he said he doesnt like it when mom and dad fight. Im sure his teacher read that and I'm embarrassed that she knows there must be some issues in our marriage. I keep the resentment and anger hidden deep inside. I acted happy all the time like our dog. When I come home and go straight to her and give her a bug hug and kiss then I do the same with the twins. She is off social media and focused on the family and seems happy. Inside me is still the pain the resentment the anger. I think to kyself that I'm married to an online sl-ut. Who is she, who does that, what does it mean? I dont think about the other men which is a step forward I think more about why she did it and will I ever know how far she took it. Hope things are going well for you ZH. Hope your kids are fine and doing well. Link to post Share on other sites
usa1ah Posted November 8, 2017 Share Posted November 8, 2017 Hey Zombiehead how are things going? Link to post Share on other sites
usa1ah Posted December 12, 2017 Share Posted December 12, 2017 Just checking in with ya ZH. Link to post Share on other sites
treehugger12 Posted December 12, 2017 Share Posted December 12, 2017 Me too...wondering... I spent a whole weekend reading this thread:) Link to post Share on other sites
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