usa1ah Posted July 6, 2017 Share Posted July 6, 2017 ZH one thing you might try to find out is how it all started. She probably was addicted to it at the end but it didn't start out as one. I don't think it is trying to feel safe but to stop the mind movies. I don't see how you can. Because anything sexual she might do is going to trigger you right now. Something or someone was the starting point for what your wife did. What was it or who was it. What got her thinking about it to begin with? Why did she not do it with you from the start? Who did she talk with about this before she began? How did she begin? Did she know the person beforehand? Why was it ok to go outside the marriage for sexual fulfillment? Why was it when you started? So if you were unable to use the means you did to get with these guy, would you have meet them in person to cheated? How can you say no, you did everything but meet in person. If you didn't have the means you do, how would you have scratched that itch with out meeting in person? Have you ever made plans, in anyway, to meet anyone other then myself in person for sexual interaction? Have you ever sexually interacted with anyone other then myself sense we have been a couple? Ever in the same room? Ask for details not just simple answers. Ask sense it's not that big of a deal. I was thinking of watching a girl in person do what you did with these guys. Ask if she would be alright with you doing this. All of this is just a way for it to hit home with her. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
reboot Posted July 6, 2017 Share Posted July 6, 2017 Frankly, I expect your list of questions will do little more than irritate her. Don't you know you're supposed to just get over it? Why do you think the discussions always get sidetracked? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Friskyone4u Posted July 6, 2017 Share Posted July 6, 2017 Road, I am not sure that I understand your point. OR this is one of the few times that we disagree. That excerpt sounds to me like the kind of drivel that I was and have been talking about. Unless I am taking it out of context. For me, and I think most people, the BS drives the bus and should. The WS comes clean and get their selves together or they are gone. But then that is just me. I always like hearing the Dr Harley quotes. This is the same genius who tells BH to woo your cheating wife back by not interfering with her affair and letting her enjoy herself and give her flowers as she leaves to bang her boyfriend. Anyone who follows his advice deserves what they get. Zombie, Road did make one good point. You have only two choices (1) divorce her (2) stop putting yourself into trigger positions. You will get enough of these without trying for a long time. You are at the point of divorcing or sucking it up./ She is not going to be what you think she should or she would not have done what she did in the first place She liked it, and if not caught would still be doing it, and the fact that the last I read she was still disappearing in sexy lingerie with her phone recently into the bathroom the chances are she at some point will do it again. If you at least understand you are swimming upstream you may get to the point where you let it go. That is the only way to asvoid going crazy for you. Link to post Share on other sites
misspalmy Posted July 7, 2017 Share Posted July 7, 2017 Not a good look. how long ago was this? maybe shes planing to send you them? Link to post Share on other sites
Author zombiehead Posted July 7, 2017 Author Share Posted July 7, 2017 After I read bedtime stories to the twins I went to our bedroom to find my wife waiting for me in sexy lingerie, candles burning and wine. I had to make a pick, sex or a stressful discussion, I picked sex. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
reboot Posted July 7, 2017 Share Posted July 7, 2017 After I read bedtime stories to the twins I went to our bedroom to find my wife waiting for me in sexy lingerie, candles burning and wine. I had to make a pick, sex or a stressful discussion, I picked sex. Best decision you've made so far in this thread. hahaha Link to post Share on other sites
Zona Posted July 7, 2017 Share Posted July 7, 2017 OK ZH, here is my $.02 worth The Good: She's been pretty damn upfront about disclosing her actions considering (with some exceptions that you mentioned). She's stopped getting drunk (I think? you haven't mentioned it) She's agreed to whatever restrictions you put on her without complaining. She has agreed to counselling. She is spending more quality time with you and your kids The Bad: You've uncovered more ugliness and the betrayal is worse than you first thought. She doesn't seem to fully understand your pain. (Part of this could just be her personality where she hates to admit when she screwed up. My wife is exactly the same way - a fire cracker if you will) Sometimes a wayward spends the entire rest of her life trying to make it up to their BS, and can actually be a really good wife in the long run. I would continue the course, try to get her more counselling (important!), discuss things with her openly, and just see if the mind-movies and other triggers fade. Time is on your side. She obviously isn't going anywhere. Link to post Share on other sites
Cephalopod Posted July 7, 2017 Share Posted July 7, 2017 What about her drinking and partying? Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted July 7, 2017 Share Posted July 7, 2017 After I read bedtime stories to the twins I went to our bedroom to find my wife waiting for me in sexy lingerie, candles burning and wine. I had to make a pick, sex or a stressful discussion, I picked sex. Yep...and this is why nothing is moving forward. She is baiting you - and you so easily are manipulated every time. Link to post Share on other sites
Author zombiehead Posted July 7, 2017 Author Share Posted July 7, 2017 She had no idea that I prepared a list that I wanted to discuss. I was going to bring it up after the kids were in bed. Now if she knew that I wanted to have a talk and pulled this I would have had the talk. So I was standing there looking at her and I thought do I want to pull out the list and have an emotionally stressful discussion or some wine and sex, I picked the wine and sex. I could be stressing more right now because the camping trip to CO is only one more week away. There will be no escaping her, we will be together in the van, in the tent, on the hiking trails, cooking, and all the other activities together. I could be that is stressing me out. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mrs. John Adams Posted July 7, 2017 Share Posted July 7, 2017 I hope that while you are on this camping trip...you enjoy your family... and stay away from forums of any kind. One of the things I have found is sometimes.. you need a break from reading and posting and sharing. Sometimes you need to process everything in real life and get in touch with your own thoughts instead of the thoughts of every one else. Sometimes the only person you need to listen to... is you. Have a great trip.. stay safe... and love your family but especially love yourself. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Try Posted July 7, 2017 Share Posted July 7, 2017 After I read bedtime stories to the twins I went to our bedroom to find my wife waiting for me in sexy lingerie, candles burning and wine. I had to make a pick, sex or a stressful discussion, I picked sex. Sex vs stress, sex wins it for me. Good call. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
usa1ah Posted July 9, 2017 Share Posted July 9, 2017 Talk vs sex. I will play the other hand. Simply put, you kindly refusing and saying we need to talk would have shown her how serious the situation is. Missed opportunity to help her to see how badly she has damaged the marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
Author zombiehead Posted July 10, 2017 Author Share Posted July 10, 2017 She did not know that I was planning a talk after the kids went to bed. We had the talk Friday night and it started off badly she was dedensive and loud at the beginning but calmed down and it was a good productive discussion. Link to post Share on other sites
Zona Posted July 10, 2017 Share Posted July 10, 2017 it was a good productive discussion. Cool. Hopefully you can forget about things and enjoy yourself on your upcoming trip. Link to post Share on other sites
usa1ah Posted July 11, 2017 Share Posted July 11, 2017 She did not know that I was planning a talk after the kids went to bed. We had the talk Friday night and it started off badly she was dedensive and loud at the beginning but calmed down and it was a good productive discussion. This is why I have a hard time believing her in this whole deal. Why is she not bending over backwards to help you? ZH, I believe there is more to this. She is trying to make things look like there isn't any problems. She is making sure you are have your needs satisfied. She is doing her best to keep from talking about how she about destroyed the marriage. It's like when the two of were together and you caught her watching tv. You mi d hit the messages where she said her sex life was boring. It's like she is making up for what she said and being caught watching the tv. Like is this really her wanting to be with you or is she just doing it for you? I understand that she didn't know about the talk. She really doesn't understand how she has hurt you still. If she can't relate to the pain she has caused, how can she help fix the problem. I believe the only problem she sees is the fact that she got caught. Link to post Share on other sites
Cephalopod Posted July 11, 2017 Share Posted July 11, 2017 Just more gaslighting and stonewalling. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted July 12, 2017 Share Posted July 12, 2017 A remorseful spouse doesn't get angry while helping the betrayed spouse heal. Are you sure you wish to keep trying when she only seems sorry she got caught? Start making HUGE demands! Make demands that force her to change - and grow! Quit soft stepping around her! She blew up your whole life! YOU should be mad! SHE should be damn grateful you're even willing to entertain being with her...yet she gets mad? Man, I gotta tell you, she's got no intention of repairing the damage she's caused. Throw her out with ONE bag and no way to access money! Make her so scared she starts being remorseful! Stop keeping her comfortable! Comfortable never changes! And don't take her on that vacation! You keep rewarding bad behavior = that sends the wrong message. You're going about this backwards! SHE should be doing ALL the work...and since she's not = there's really NOTHING to consider with her...she hasn't changed - she's still the entitled cheater with an attitude. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
merrmeade Posted July 12, 2017 Share Posted July 12, 2017 When she's "defensive and loud" what's her main theme? I mean, what is she defensivve about? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
reboot Posted July 12, 2017 Share Posted July 12, 2017 Almost Lost for words. Whatever she has done the house and money is still possibly half hers. Fixed it for you. Where I live anyway. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
ericsvibe Posted July 14, 2017 Share Posted July 14, 2017 Hey Zombie, I have read through this entire thread. Let me tell you, your wife and my wife would be best friends forever. My wife is addicted to social media, she always has that dang phone right next to her, texting her friends, posting picture to facebook, instagram, and snapchat. She has a blog, has a pinterest page, she just eats this crap up. I know you said before you don't want to read other stories, so I am going to tell you the similarities between both of our situations. My wifes EA went on for a long time. Her excuse is that it was just a fantasy, she liked the attention, she was addicted, it made her feel good, she felt sexy and powerful. Just like your wife, she started with letters in my case, then went to pictures, videos, Skype. She would describe things she wanted to do to him that she has told me she will never do. She also told him that sex with me was boring, it was a routine, mundane. However, she never mentioned it to me. Every excuse your wife has used, my wife has used as well. I think that deep down, our wives are freaky, dirty girls that need an oulet, and this is what they chose. They consider us too "good" to do the things they want. I also feel like I'm just the sucker paying for her life. So, I decided the other day to write down one of her fantasies, and to play it out in the bedroom. My wife, after the fact, was shocked because she remembered writing it. She told me that she never thought that I would be on board. She really digged it, and we have been going nonstop for the last week. The reason I am bringing this up is I am now starting to think that these repressed wants helped fuel what happened. My wife is just as stubborn as yours. She also pulled away from the family to concentrate on the EA. I still have not forgiven her for breaking our vows. It is going to take a long time for that. I just remember you saying you guess you were a prude. Seeing this other side to my wife has made me question everything. Deep inside, she is an emotional train wreck, and she is just too hard headed to see it. Link to post Share on other sites
usa1ah Posted July 21, 2017 Share Posted July 21, 2017 Hey CH, how are things going? Link to post Share on other sites
Author zombiehead Posted July 24, 2017 Author Share Posted July 24, 2017 The camping trip was a success. Our 1st night we from our campsite we watched a large bear stroll by about 75 yards away. The rangers came and shot the bear with a paint ball gun. The next evening a mama bear with 2 clubs passed by. The rangers went around to all the campers and told us to set off our car alarms if we see a bear. The 3rd night we hear car alarms going off and some cars were damaged by bears trying to get at the food inside them. We hiked and rode moutain bikes went fishing and rafting. This was probable one of our best vacations. We camped.for 6 days that is the longest for us and I was worried that would be too much living outdoors for the twins but they loved it. We cooked our dinners over the campfire each night. Every 3rd day after hiking or biking in the morning we would go to town for a shower. I didnt know if the twins could camp outside that long but they loved it and we were sad to have to pack up and come home. My wife and I didnt talk about her infidelity though that is whst I think about when I looked at her. R means eat a shxt sandwich that is all there is to it. Swallow your pride, let your self respect get run over. You do that for others, I didnt sign up to be a part time weekend dad, I signed up to be a full time dad and a provider for my family. Link to post Share on other sites
Novz Posted July 24, 2017 Share Posted July 24, 2017 I am sorry. My mother acted that way before when she got a mobile phone. I know how it feels knowing something's wrong yet the one involved denies or refuses anything. I think your wife is. But 12 years of marriage? I hate the thought of you breaking up. I hope your wife makes up to you soon. Link to post Share on other sites
BluesPower Posted July 24, 2017 Share Posted July 24, 2017 The camping trip was a success. Our 1st night we from our campsite we watched a large bear stroll by about 75 yards away. The rangers came and shot the bear with a paint ball gun. The next evening a mama bear with 2 clubs passed by. The rangers went around to all the campers and told us to set off our car alarms if we see a bear. The 3rd night we hear car alarms going off and some cars were damaged by bears trying to get at the food inside them. We hiked and rode moutain bikes went fishing and rafting. This was probable one of our best vacations. We camped.for 6 days that is the longest for us and I was worried that would be too much living outdoors for the twins but they loved it. We cooked our dinners over the campfire each night. Every 3rd day after hiking or biking in the morning we would go to town for a shower. I didnt know if the twins could camp outside that long but they loved it and we were sad to have to pack up and come home. My wife and I didnt talk about her infidelity though that is whst I think about when I looked at her. R means eat a shxt sandwich that is all there is to it. Swallow your pride, let your self respect get run over. You do that for others, I didnt sign up to be a part time weekend dad, I signed up to be a full time dad and a provider for my family. This all sounds great... But about the R, no, it does not have to be that way. And you should not be part of it if you are not happy with the way it is going. Here is the thing, your wife has a huge amount of work to do and everyone knows that she has not done that work. But you are the one that is allowing that by rug sweeping what has happened. Not to make you feel bad or blame you, but you are in the drivers seat an you are not setting down what needs to happen. You even allowed HER to get upset about you asking questions about her affairs. You have not had a polygraph because you really don't want to know if she was physical with anyone. But you resent not knowing. The sandwich that you are eating is of your own making. When you let her skate by without any real consequences, you made the sandwich. So either take the steps necessary to get her on the R bandwagon the right way or eat the sandwich. They choice is really yours... 4 Link to post Share on other sites
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