The post that I hoped I'd never have to write.

[elaine567]

The signs were there, the compartmentalization and separation of your relationship from her children, friends and family members. The compartment you resided in was good but overall she kept her life in separate boxes.

 

Yes, I can see why a mother would do that, keep the bf (potentially only temporary) and the family separate, especially when she had the narcissistic ex, and HIS family in the background potentially complicating matters.

 

At around fifty, it may be a bit too late to play happy families with HS age kids, so maybe better to keep it all separate and not potentially incur the wrath of the ex either....

 

I can also see the attraction for Sal, he gets to date a woman, one on one, not a mother, not someone with loads of "baggage", (a bit of a rarity I guess in ~50 yo women), so it was all just a boy/girl scenario. Romantic and fun.

[Onnanoko]

But what we were on the same page about was that ti was a serious relationship, we both wanted a wonderful life partner, and we loved each other deeply. Obviously it was a lie. She used me for entertainment and sex and then discarded without conscience.

 

I am so sorry you have to go through this and that you have been betrayed in this way. I have no words of comfort to offer you other than perhaps you should be thankful that she did this to you before you had proposed to her and became engaged to her. Being used is a horrible feeling and I can tell you first hand I know what that feels like.

 

May I ask, are you going to employ a no contact situation with your ex girlfriend? I think you should do this so you can begin the road to healing your heart as well as your emotions. You did not deserve what was done to you. You have invested your love, your affections and your hopes and dreams in a woman that was not nearly as invested in this relationship as you were.

 

I am curious as to whether you are going to completely go into a full no contact mode with her or if you are going to continue to maintain text/phone/real life contact. A broken heart is unable to mend if it is continuously being sliced by paper cuts.

 

Good luck to you and stay strong Salparadise.

[thefooloftheyear]

Sorry, man.....

 

Didn't read all replies...Don't beat yourself up over how you reacted...It was a shytty situation that most people would get unwound over...People who truly care for one another don't dump people over situational moodiness..If they did, that's their issue...

 

Although I do know that people with personality disorders like BPD, could turn on a dime in the way you are describing, but I don't want to play armchair psychiatrist here..

 

That wasn't the real reason, imo...

 

Take care.

 

TFY

Edited February 13, 2017 by thefooloftheyear

[rushed]

I'm pretty ashamed to say that I was a lot like your now ex-girlfriend. In my last relationship, we rarely argued (in the beginning at least). I hate conflict and would avoid it as much as possible. However, he would say things that I wouldn't agree with, we would have a discussion, and I would drop his viewpoints like a bad coin into my mental piggybank. (I, like your now ex, am a feminist, and I'd make mental notes on things he'd say that I vehemently disagreed with.) In time, the piggybank started getting heavy, and one day he did something that angered me (I can't even remember what it was), and I remember texting him that we were done, then proceeded to block him on everything so he couldn't even contact me.

 

It wasn't my proudest moment. I'm a terrible communicator (but I'm working on it). Just wanted to give you a glimpse into a possible explanation.

[salparadise]

I am so sorry you have to go through this and that you have been betrayed in this way. I have no words of comfort to offer you other than perhaps you should be thankful that she did this to you before you had proposed to her and became engaged to her. Being used is a horrible feeling and I can tell you first hand I know what that feels like.

 

May I ask, are you going to employ a no contact situation with your ex girlfriend? I think you should do this so you can begin the road to healing your heart as well as your emotions. You did not deserve what was done to you. You have invested your love, your affections and your hopes and dreams in a woman that was not nearly as invested in this relationship as you were.

 

I am curious as to whether you are going to completely go into a full no contact mode with her or if you are going to continue to maintain text/phone/real life contact. A broken heart is unable to mend if it is continuously being sliced by paper cuts.

 

Good luck to you and stay strong Salparadise.

 

 

I don't really have much choice. She refuses to talk. She quit responding to texts. Basically, she feels that she done with me and has no obligation to explain things or answer questions or give me a hearing. She dumped me by text message, exchanged 3-4 follow up messages at that time and then went silent. A few days later she was back on OKC looking for a replacement. I sent her a dozen roses with a nice message the next day and asked her (by text) to come sit and talk. She responded, "Sal, I cannot. I'm sorry." And that was the last communication we've had. I sent her a valentine card today, but I'm guessing that she won't open it. She probably threw the roses in the trash too.

 

I have no choice but to accept it. But that's what this whole thread is about –– it just doesn't make sense. How can someone be in love one minute and just turn off feelings like flipping a light switch? I suspect it was all an act, that she doesn't have the ability to attach in a meaningful, authentic way, and that there is a sadistic element to it too. But I haven't jumped to any conclusions beyond the obvious. Men are objects, and there's always another ready to step in and assume the role.

[BC1980]

I have no choice but to accept it. But that's what this whole thread is about –– it just doesn't make sense. How can someone be in love one minute and just turn off feelings like flipping a light switch? I suspect it was all an act, that she doesn't have the ability to attach in a meaningful, authentic way, and that there is a sadistic element to it too. But I haven't jumped to any conclusions beyond the obvious. Men are objects, and there's always another ready to step in and assume the role.

 

Unless they are truly sociopathic, I don't think people change that quickly. I think she has thought about breaking up with you before, but you didn't know it. I think doubts creep in over time, and, at some point, you make the decision to end it. My ex said as much to me. He said he had doubts, on and off, for a few years, and he eventually had to come to the realization that he couldn't move forward with the relationship. I knew he had doubts at one point, but I thought he would get over them. I guess it's just wishful thinking and wanting to hope for the best. But looking back, it was obvious that he wasn't going to commit to me. I didn't see it at the time though. You never see that stuff when you are in love. You project how you feel onto the other person. I bet that as time goes on and you move further away from this emotionally, you will see some signs you didn't see at the time. That's kind of how it happened for me. It just became super obvious after my emotions cooled off.

 

I do think that she could have been attached to you at one point and saw a future at one point. I honestly think my ex did too. I don't think he full on lied to me when he said he loved me and wanted to spend his life with me. I really think he meant those things at the time, but something changed along the way. Several things probably added up, and it just became incompatible with continuing at some point. She might still be hurt but doesn't want to talk because she knows there is no going back. Getting on OKC might be a way to avoid her feelings. People deal with it in different ways, so be careful in assuming how she feels. It is very abrupt, and I can certainly empathize with that feeling. It seems kind of unreal in a way, and I think our brains try to protect us from the reality. But it's normal to want to make sense of it all. You will go through that for awhile until it becomes uninteresting to you.

[lana-banana]

The way she ended it seems cruel and heartless, but it's probably more out of immaturity than malice. I had an ex end things that way once---out of nowhere, a quick phone call and a couple texts telling me it was over, too bad, so sad---and while I was crushed into bits I eventually figured out he was just so immature. He didn't have the nerve to end it to my face. He couldn't bear the thought of manning up and hurting me, so he cut the cord the only way he knew how. It's an absolute garbage thing to do but it's more common than you'd think. Some people just don't have the capacity to be adults about ending relationships.

[SevenCity]

I don't really have much choice. She refuses to talk. She quit responding to texts. Basically, she feels that she done with me and has no obligation to explain things or answer questions or give me a hearing. She dumped me by text message, exchanged 3-4 follow up messages at that time and then went silent. A few days later she was back on OKC looking for a replacement. I sent her a dozen roses with a nice message the next day and asked her (by text) to come sit and talk. She responded, "Sal, I cannot. I'm sorry." And that was the last communication we've had. I sent her a valentine card today, but I'm guessing that she won't open it. She probably threw the roses in the trash too.

 

I have no choice but to accept it. But that's what this whole thread is about –– it just doesn't make sense. How can someone be in love one minute and just turn off feelings like flipping a light switch? I suspect it was all an act, that she doesn't have the ability to attach in a meaningful, authentic way, and that there is a sadistic element to it too. But I haven't jumped to any conclusions beyond the obvious. Men are objects, and there's always another ready to step in and assume the role.

 

Stop sending her stuff unless you want to push her further away and lose any respect she has left for you.

 

She coldly dumped you and she gets flowers and a Valentine's card?

 

Her feelings were made clear. No gift from you will change her mind. Quite the opposite.

 

I get that you want closure but you won't get it from her. Don't give her the satisfaction.

[Onnanoko]

I don't really have much choice. She refuses to talk. She quit responding to texts. Basically, she feels that she done with me and has no obligation to explain things or answer questions or give me a hearing. She dumped me by text message, exchanged 3-4 follow up messages at that time and then went silent. A few days later she was back on OKC looking for a replacement.

 

I sent her a dozen roses with a nice message the next day and asked her (by text) to come sit and talk. She responded, "Sal, I cannot. I'm sorry." And that was the last communication we've had. I sent her a valentine card today, but I'm guessing that she won't open it. She probably threw the roses in the trash too.

 

I have no choice but to accept it. But that's what this whole thread is about –– it just doesn't make sense. How can someone be in love one minute and just turn off feelings like flipping a light switch? I suspect it was all an act, that she doesn't have the ability to attach in a meaningful, authentic way, and that there is a sadistic element to it too. But I haven't jumped to any conclusions beyond the obvious. Men are objects, and there's always another ready to step in and assume the role.

 

You should be extremely thankful that she refuses to contact you in any way. This is your WAY OUT of being continuously hurt and triggered by her attempts at contacting you, as so many other posters here are currently experiencing.

 

Sorry to say, your ex girlfriend was not in love with you - at least not in the way normal people are with their significant other. She "loved" you from an emotional and spiritual distance...she was emotionally detached from you more than you could have ever imagined. The moment you exhibited a human characteristic that was emotional and not in line with her expectations of how you should behave, it was her way to opt out.

 

She ended a relationship that lasted over a year via TEXT. She was/is an emotional vampyre. She is a COWARD.

 

Consider yourself lucky that you know the truth now. Your heart will heal. The next man who enters into a relationship with her will most likely suffer the same fate as you have, unless he behaves exactly as she wants him to.

[Popsicle]

I think there were things about you that she liked and things about you that she didn't like all along. She saw them all along. She denied the things that she didn't like were a big deal because she wanted the things she liked about you to overtake the things she didn't like and make her forget. She wanted "the dream" so bad and she tried, and thus why the R lasted this long. She also knew that it would be a waste of time to tell you about them because the things she didn't like are just part of who you are and you'd argue about it and try to override her anyway and tell her she's crazy for feeling the way she does and you're right and she's wrong. Basically not listen (which does make talking about a mute point). But the things she didn't like kept rearing their ugly head and being like a wolley mammoth in the room, until she couldn't deny them any more. But she cared about you and still didn't want to hurt you so she prolonged until things just exploded that night. She decided that she can not live with it and go on any longer.

 

She couldn't face hurting you and knows nothing will change, hence the text.

Edited February 14, 2017 by Popsicle

[Notarobot]

Sucks to hear, I lurked for a while and always connected to your font. Always enjoyed your perspectives.

 

But I have to be honest, you presented yourself in a very pathetic manner that night and in context I don't blame her for bailing. You're older, should be wiser and most importantly should be in control of your emotions, especially when it comes to situations where you dig your own grave. You were irresponsible enough to put yourself in the situation, only to make it worse out of your own childish pouting.

 

It showed your inability to control situations and emotions, and she couldn't trust you from then on. What if other inconvenience happened in the future. Can she depend on you fixing the situation or will you make everything worse due to your poor emotional intelligence? Is this how you handle adversity? When you eventually got annoyed with her would you demean and mock her like you did the strangers?

 

This has nothing to do with her not liking you or playing you and everything to do with her not being able to depend on you. You're still downplaying your behavior like it's acceptable, you've yet to express remorse over your conduct. I wish you the best, but you need to acknowledge your issue before you analyze her first and foremost.

Edited February 14, 2017 by Notarobot

[Eternal Sunshine]

Sucks to hear, I lurked for a while and always connected to your font. Always enjoyed your perspectives.

 

But I have to be honest, you presented yourself in a very pathetic manner that night and in context I don't blame her for bailing. You're older, should be wiser and most importantly should be in control of your emotions, especially when it comes to situations where you dig your own grave. You were irresponsible enough to put yourself in the situation, only to make it worse out of your own childish pouting.

 

It showed your inability to control situations and emotions, and she couldn't trust you from then on. What if other inconvenience happened in the future. Can she depend on you fixing the situation or will you make everything worse due to your poor emotional intelligence? Is this how you handle adversity? When you eventually got annoyed with her would you demean and mock her like you did the strangers?

 

This has nothing to do with her not liking you or playing you and everything to do with her not being able to depend on you. You're still downplaying your behavior like it's acceptable, you've yet to express remorse over your conduct. I wish you the best, but you need to acknowledge your issue before you analyze her first and foremost.

 

Disagree with this. There is no way in hell that a woman that is in love with a man and committed to him would just bail over this incident. Maybe on a third date. But after 17 months? Just no way.

[salparadise]

Sorry to say, your ex girlfriend was not in love with you - at least not in the way normal people are with their significant other. She "loved" you from an emotional and spiritual distance...she was emotionally detached from you more than you could have ever imagined. The moment you exhibited a human characteristic that was emotional and not in line with her expectations of how you should behave, it was her way to opt out.

 

She ended a relationship that lasted over a year via TEXT. She was/is an emotional vampyre. She is a COWARD.

 

Yes, this is what I think too. She enjoyed the ride, enjoyed having me adore her and believing it was real. But she is stunted emotionally and doesn't have the capacity to either be authentic or love the way most people do. Men are objects, targets, contemptible and easily interchangeable. She was online within a few days stalking a new target. People who actually feel connection can't do that.

 

I think I may have turned a page on this today. Emotions are starting to catch up with cognition. Healing is a process and will take time of course, but I feel like I've switched modes and hopefully moved past the initial shock and bewilderment.

[Taramere]

I don't really have much choice. She refuses to talk. She quit responding to texts. Basically, she feels that she done with me and has no obligation to explain things or answer questions or give me a hearing. She dumped me by text message, exchanged 3-4 follow up messages at that time and then went silent. A few days later she was back on OKC looking for a replacement.

 

Yeah, that is cold.

 

I sent her a dozen roses with a nice message the next day and asked her (by text) to come sit and talk. She responded, "Sal, I cannot. I'm sorry." And that was the last communication we've had. I sent her a valentine card today, but I'm guessing that she won't open it. She probably threw the roses in the trash too.

 

Please don't send her any more stuff. I get that you maybe want to create some sort of safe, forgiving environment in which she'd be more likely to talk to you and offer some sort of explanation as to what happened, but sending traditional tokens of love to somebody who has ended a relationship with you is not the way to do that. Not that it's a good idea anyway, to try to push somebody like this into having an sort of resolution-bringing conversation with you.

 

I don't think one need label her behaviour with any particular personality disorder to agree that she has handled this poorly and immaturely. All the people out there who are prepared to communicate over difficult matters, who manage to get conflicts resolved and who have stronger friendships and relationships with people who are actually worth the effort as a result don't get to that point by behaving as she did.

 

The only think you know for sure is that she doesn't want to be in a relationship with you any more. You're left flummoxed as to why, what you did wrong and so on...so you're trying to fill in the gaps with speculation in an effort to get answers of some sort. And that's normal, but you're not going to get them from this woman. Even if you did manage to get her to talk to you, she would likely give you half truths and platitudes that would leave you feeling no better.

 

 

I have no choice but to accept it. But that's what this whole thread is about –– it just doesn't make sense. How can someone be in love one minute and just turn off feelings like flipping a light switch? I suspect it was all an act, that she doesn't have the ability to attach in a meaningful, authentic way, and that there is a sadistic element to it too. But I haven't jumped to any conclusions beyond the obvious. Men are objects, and there's always another ready to step in and assume the role.

 

It could well be that she's very high in narcissism. The kind of behaviour she has shown is certainly a shocking and horrible thing to be on the receiving end of...and I will say, as somebody who's been there, that you never forget it. Of course you don't. The brain hangs on to information..and so to this day, when somebody mentions narcissism he will be my reference point for that, because I found his behaviour so narcissistic. But there's no pain left, no residual feelings of love. He belongs to that part of my past that, as they say, has become a foreign country to me.

 

I've encountered other very narcissistic people since then, but because of that relationship way back, and the way it melted down, I'm a lot tougher and dismissive in my dealings with them. I know what they're about, I don't need to spend hours trying to analyse them or asking "why". That's just the way people like that behave.

 

I don't think narcissistic people get all that much genuine enjoyment out of life. I mean, they can have fun - but I don't think they connect to other people, music, art, nature, animals etc in the deep way other people do, that enriches life. From the time I spent/wasted immersing myself in reading that subject, I gleaned that often they don't have a very strong sense of identity - and the "fake front" that others might be charmed by is an attempt to have an identity or "sense of self" of some sort. Maybe copied from other people. Maybe just involving a mirroring back of the person they're dealing with.

 

My first encounter with a narcissist, come to think of it, was probably an old school friend. She was a very pretty girl from a wealthy family, and was therefore a popular kid...but she never had much of a personality of her own. I used to get irritated by her because she'd copy me (my likes, dislikes, favourite music) or other friends. Nothing she did or liked ever seemed to come from her.

 

We lost touch for a few years after school. I made a half hearted effort to keep in touch for a bit, but she didn't really bother responding - and so we soon lost touch. I did bump into her a few years later due to our parent having remained close friends. I was friendly and "hi! How are things?" and she just reacted as though I was a total stranger. I remember being weirded out and quite upset by that. But in the years following, I would periodically bump into an old acquaintance, old friends of hers (rather than mine) etc who would ask if I was still in touch with her and then relay an experience they'd had "of being snubbed by her" which was very like mine.

 

At the time I couldn't fathom it, but now I think - well, even as a child she was narcissistic, lacked that strong sense of her own identity and therefore had to copy other people a lot of the time. She didn't have much oomph about her. We all competed in the horse world. Her parents, being rich, would buy her very expensive ponies - but no matter how expensive, it would always end up the same way. Her being eliminated at the very first fence due to the expensive pony, having zero respect and trust in this purposelesss lump sitting on its back, refusing to perform.

 

I've no doubt that if she wanted out of a relationship, she'd treat the guy in just the way this woman treated you. Just kind of drift out of it without any decent explanation...because that's who people like that are. There's just not much to them.

Edited February 14, 2017 by Taramere

[Sweetfish]

Yes, this is what I think too. She enjoyed the ride, enjoyed having me adore her and believing it was real. But she is stunted emotionally and doesn't have the capacity to either be authentic or love the way most people do. Men are objects, targets, contemptible and easily interchangeable. She was online within a few days stalking a new target. People who actually feel connection can't do that.

 

I think I may have turned a page on this today. Emotions are starting to catch up with cognition. Healing is a process and will take time of course, but I feel like I've switched modes and hopefully moved past the initial shock and bewilderment.

 

 

Please do not try to contact, plead, try to justify, apologize, and put your emotions up for slaughter. In this "black" state of thinking you are just putting your self deeper in the hole for both you and her.

 

She is on dating sites because she needs to feel the void fast and quick. Don't think of it as a replacement... this is just her way of dealing with the "pain"

 

That's not your concern.

 

The best thing to do is adjust to the shock and accept that its over. Accept that you will have to adjust and it will take time.

[salparadise]

The only think you know for sure is that she doesn't want to be in a relationship with you any more. You're left flummoxed as to why, what you did wrong and so on...so you're trying to fill in the gaps with speculation in an effort to get answers of some sort.

 

 

Well, it's not the ONLY thing I know. I know that she's capable of turning on a dime, dumping a serious long-term relationship via text message, that her object relations are as thing as paper, that she's disingenuous rather than authentic, that she feels entitled to treat people she supposedly cared for in the most shabby way imaginable, that she has underlying gender issues wherein resentment and contempt are masked by superficial charm, sweetness and a thin facade... I could probably go on, but you see what I mean. There are many reasonable conclusions that can be drawn from the way all of this went down that I never saw while in the midst of what I thought to be a healthy, serious relationship.

 

Yea, of course I'd like to have answers but I realize I won't get them from her. And rationally, how could I ever trust her again, so there's no going back and no need to fantasize about what might have been. Acceptance of what is, combined with some additional knowledge that helps me hang it on a larger framework will be the key to closing out this chapter.

 

To those who would admonish me for sending the flowers and card... well, the flowers were sent the morning after the dump when all I could think about was talking some sense into her. The card I sent yesterday was a bit of a snip –– a budget card (99 cents) printed on thin, cheap paper with a cliché message. I added a note that contained a double entendré. Whether that was right or wrong I don't really care. It wasn't an attempt to lure her back or anything, just a snip.

[Taramere]

Yea, of course I'd like to have answers but I realize I won't get them from her. And rationally, how could I ever trust her again, so there's no going back and no need to fantasize about what might have been. Acceptance of what is, combined with some additional knowledge that helps me hang it on a larger framework will be the key to closing out this chapter.

 

I think that's probably right. The main reason I would caution against getting too embroiled in analysing things like narcissistic personality disorder is that it's quite easy to get sucked into being overly preoccupied with that stuff. I personally did that for too long, which maybe makes me a bit too quick to caution others against it. It keeps you focused on the person who's left your life longer than you need to be - because in reading that stuff you're constantly using them as a reference point and therefore continuing to think about them.

 

For me, eventually I just bored myself of it. Perhaps learning to understand a narcissistic person is like unwrapping layer after layer of paper thinking that eventually after all that effort you're going to find some thing worthwhile in the middle. Only to find that actually there's nothing of interest. I think Sweetfish is probably right that her primary reason for being straight back on that dating site is that she is seeking to fill a void.

 

If reading up about things like narcissistic personality disorder gives you greater awareness and helps you to be alert to signs of it in the future, then that could well help you to make choices in the future that will be more conducive to long term happiness. And, of course, this is all very fresh and raw. Of course you're going to need some downtime to be hurt and angry before the healing process begins to kick in.

[Blanco]

Yes, this is what I think too. She enjoyed the ride, enjoyed having me adore her and believing it was real. But she is stunted emotionally and doesn't have the capacity to either be authentic or love the way most people do. Men are objects, targets, contemptible and easily interchangeable. She was online within a few days stalking a new target. People who actually feel connection can't do that.

 

I think I may have turned a page on this today. Emotions are starting to catch up with cognition. Healing is a process and will take time of course, but I feel like I've switched modes and hopefully moved past the initial shock and bewilderment.

 

Sal, I have mentioned an ex of mine several times on this forum who fits a lot of the traits you're describing here, so I empathize with how difficult it is to reconcile these behaviors. It's so out of line with how we would handle a similar situation that it's virtually impossible to put ourselves in their shoes.

 

I technically ended my relationship, though it came with much reservation. After years of push-pull, trying to rise to her expectations and seemingly never really quite meeting the challenge, I just couldn't do it anymore. In a way, it almost felt like she was uncomfortable with being in a state of adoration with me (past the initial honeymoon phase).

 

I was certainly not perfect, but it seemed like we eventually fell into a pattern where things would be going really well (which would involve her being more affectionate and kind of "in" to me) and then I would do something to set things into turmoil. Now, sometimes, I really would do something that understandably threw things off. But other times, it honestly felt like she was almost looking for a reason to pull back. I could wipe out all of my goodwill equity through a simple misstep.

 

Emotionally, she has admittedly been guarded for most of her life. She's almost never been totally single since she was in high school (we are in our thirties), and I always surmised part of that was because she had failed to establish many, if any, solid friendships with other women. In a sense, it was like she found it easier to just have a guy around than get her social nectar from friends and family.

 

In her defense, she was attractive enough that she didn't have to settle for just any low-grade dude. But if you were to dig deeper, you could say that she thought fondly of her exes, but also was able to treat them interchangeably. She could bail from one relationship and get with someone else without missing a beat. She's got kids now, so she's transitioned from longer relationships, but I don't think she's added much emotional depth to them. Romantic relationships, though a constant in her life, are very much a utilitarian thing to her. She wants a family unit, a steady boyfriend, and all that, but she's not much interested in a connection with a man that digs much deeper than enjoying his company and discussing the trivial matters of their day or watching TV for hours.

 

My long-winded point is that for some people, they aren't looking for true substance with their relationships. They like being part of one, but they don't really seek deep emotional bonds. To pursue those things would mean being emotionally vulnerable, and for various reasons, that's just not something they feel comfortable doing, even around the person they're sharing a life with.

 

I understand how hard it is not to take it personally when they move on quickly to fill the void you've left. My ex took up with someone within a matter of weeks of me moving out and they are still together. I was fiercely bitter for a while about it, in part because I felt like my fears during our relationship of being convenient, yet ultimately disposable to her were finally validated. But, Sal, listen: This wasn't about me. And it's not about you. It doesn't feel that way, but their history will usually reveal how they handle these things. In my case, I was with someone who couldn't be single, and so she was quickly on to the next one, admittedly to help "get over" the last relationship.

 

For folks like us, who seek something of more emotional substance, these women are ultimately not good fits, no matter how much it hurts to let them go.

[Popsicle]

It's so not fair for her to end things without talking to you about it. You deserve an explanation. I have a friend this happened to after 3 years together with her bf. Just ended it suddenly like your gf with barely a word and refused to talk afterwards. It was cruel and cowardly and she is still devastated 2 years later, despite having dated other people (although no LTR's). Ghosting is horrible and this was a form of ghosting.

Edited February 14, 2017 by Popsicle

[Popsicle]

I'd like to post this chart again for you, sal.

 

https://www.estherperel.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/12/Screen-Shot-2015-12-13-at-2.35.13-PM.png

[Notarobot]

Disagree with this. There is no way in hell that a woman that is in love with a man and committed to him would just bail over this incident. Maybe on a third date. But after 17 months? Just no way.

 

You're only seeing it from his side of the story, which likely is being downplayed. Not saying he's intentionally misrepresenting the story but I'm sure there was a lot more that happened and that was said and she probably was the target of some of this anger. The woman seems highly intelligent and put together and she probably has low tolerance for emotional outbursts and abuse.

 

You're saying there is no way in hell a woman would bail in order to make sense of the situation and make yourselves feel better. The reality is just because you see stories of weak willed people all around love shack dealing with all types of emotional abuse, neglect and disrespect doesn't mean there aren't people with zero tolerance for it. I've been with someone for 3 years and if she ever recklessly put us in a situation only to make it worse by lashing out at people trying to help her, I'd drop her ass in a new york minute too.

 

And I KNOW she'd do the same thing too.

Edited February 14, 2017 by Notarobot

[newheart]

Hi Sal,

 

I am so sorry to hear this. I read through every post, and I don't know what to say that could be more comforting than what others have already said, but my heart goes out to you. It struck me as my relationship of 16 months just ended, and while it wasn't what I would have described as perfect, it still somehow was devastating because I too thought it was the best relationship I had been it. It was so disappointing ... the lack of communication, the inability (or refusal) for him to deal with conflict, and the coldness of it all at the end, so unlike what I experienced the first half. I too perceived the lack of having an argument as a sign of meant to be, but I eventually realized he was remaining silent and building resentment. I would have rather had a blow out fight, sigh. However, it is what it is.

 

I wanted to just remind you of something you wrote that was pages back (which I copied for myself, so it isn't quoted) because it is absolutely beautiful. I took a huge gamble in my relationship because I struggled with vulnerability, but I hope to get to this place one day and believe the same.

 

The bright side of this is affirming that I am able. I am proud of my ability to go deep, to allow myself to love. I want it more than I'm afraid of it. I will get through it and I will try again with someone else eventually. But in the meantime I have grieving to take care of. I will fully embrace that too. I surely have my shortcomings, but authenticity with regard to feelings, embracing intimacy and vulnerability, and willingness to take a chance on love is not among them.

 

Again, I am so sorry.

[SevenCity]

It's so not fair for her to end things without talking to you about it. You deserve an explanation. I have a friend this happened to after 3 years together with her bf. Just ended it suddenly like your gf with barely a word and refused to talk afterwards. It was cruel and cowardly and she is still devastated 2 years later, despite having dated other people (although no LTR's). Ghosting is horrible and this was a form of ghosting.

 

As much as I feel for Sal, the reality is she owes him nothing.

 

Moreover, anything he gets from her will be a lie or half truth.

 

He is far better off never hearing from her again. I speak from experience- the best thing my ex could have done was never reach out to me. It helps you move forward quicker.

[thefooloftheyear]

As much as I feel for Sal, the reality is she owes him nothing.

 

Moreover, anything he gets from her will be a lie or half truth.

 

He is far better off never hearing from her again. I speak from experience- the best thing my ex could have done was never reach out to me. It helps you move forward quicker.

 

Exactly...

 

Some people just are conflict avoidant...Plus, what difference does it really make in the end?? None...If they don't want you, then there really isn't anything that needs to be said and no parting gifts..There is no "rule book" that I know of when it comes to this type of stuff...

 

"Closure" happens the instant that person says its over...

 

TFY

[Popsicle]

As much as I feel for Sal, the reality is she owes him nothing.

 

Moreover, anything he gets from her will be a lie or half truth.

 

He is far better off never hearing from her again. I speak from experience- the best thing my ex could have done was never reach out to me. It helps you move forward quicker.

 

I don't agree. She owes him an explanation. She doesn't owe it to him to give him another chance or continue contact but she owes him an explanation of why she broke up and a little bit of humanly care. He is a human being and this is called "relationship accountability".