NC at work

[jah526]

Had a talk with him today. It went ok but I had to laugh at one point. He claims he only wanted sex with me for my benefit because I'm single. He must think I'm really ****ing stupid.

[jenkins95]

Had a talk with him today. It went ok but I had to laugh at one point. He claims he only wanted sex with me for my benefit because I'm single. He must think I'm really ****ing stupid.

 

OMG, I can't believe this jah! He sounds like a real jerk in saying this. Hopefully this will give you more clarity in seeing him for exact what he is (which you have already demonstrated in this thread).

 

NC and breaking the addiction is so darn tough, but you can do it.

 

We are here for you. x

[Overtaxed]

Had a talk with him today. It went ok but I had to laugh at one point. He claims he only wanted sex with me for my benefit because I'm single. He must think I'm really ****ing stupid.

 

Might be one of the more honest things he's said. Guys sometimes project our sex drive onto women, so, yeah, if a guy was single and lonely, a woman "swooping in" to give them some sex on the side might be a good thing.

 

Either way, he's telling you what you need to know. Get out of this situation.

[MidnightBlue1980]

You can't have NC if you are seeing him. I tried this for a year and it was a miserable year. I developed health problems from the stress. You need to remove yourself from this situation. I know it seems really impossible but it's not. When xmm's wife pulled him out end of Nov 16, my husband said - 6 months, you will feel better on June 1st. And I feel better! But I lost 2 years of my life I can't get back.

 

End it completely and don't look back.

[freengreen]

He is 'bestowing' sex on you?.. He gotta be kidding.. what an A class arse.

[jah526]

Fridays are hard for me. I have a great coworker who is not in the office on Fridays, and though we email, it feels very lonely without him there. There are other bad things going on there - I'm being sidelined, which hurts (nothing to do with the A). So I go in, with not much to do, no supportive coworkers, and it takes everything I have not to text MM or go over and chat with him.

 

During our chat last Friday I asked him if we could just be friends without the benefits. He said yes, and that it would never happen again. And that his promise was good (um yeah, except for that pesky wedding vow promise, apparently).

 

Monday he came on full steam, wanting me to come chat with him, wanting me to go to the gym. Once we got to the parking lot he changed it. He's done this a million times, and it's his usual bait and switch tactic. We ended up in my apartment. So much for that talk on Friday. So much for promises. He was talking like he wanted to continue on with this.

 

Then the next day, dead silence. I texted him a few times and asked if he wasn't talking to me. He said no, but then... nothing. Nothing all week. I am confused. I don't know if this is the final end or what. Or if this is some kind of revenge for my periods of NC and ghosting.

 

Anyway, I just had to get this off my chest. It's hard to cope some days.

[jah526]

I've fallen down the rabbit hole again. He has been a lot nicer to me lately. Even gave me a bracelet today. Then I found out he also gave one to his gym instructor, and now I'm wondering if he is screwing her too (he says he isn't but who the hell knows).

 

I know I'm going to have to cut this off again. I don't even want this anymore. Not getting much out of it except some physical contact. But now I feel scummy and like I need to be tested for everything under the sun (we are being safe, but still).

 

I'm just going to have to pick a time and change my number again. I will let him know this time. Then it will really be over.

 

I hate being this damn weak.

[lostgirl87]

I've fallen down the rabbit hole again. He has been a lot nicer to me lately. Even gave me a bracelet today. Then I found out he also gave one to his gym instructor, and now I'm wondering if he is screwing her too (he says he isn't but who the hell knows).

 

I know I'm going to have to cut this off again. I don't even want this anymore. Not getting much out of it except some physical contact. But now I feel scummy and like I need to be tested for everything under the sun (we are being safe, but still).

 

I'm just going to have to pick a time and change my number again. I will let him know this time. Then it will really be over.

 

I hate being this damn weak.

Hmmm. A bracelet to his gym instructor?? Not a good sign.

 

There's really no secret or shortcut. You need to get out of this. I know it's easier said than done. Unfortunately there's no magic pill to make it easier and faster. I don't think letting him know will make it "really be over". He will come back again most likely. It all comes down to you gaining the strength to get him and keep him out of your life.

 

Don't beat yourself up about it. Don't call yourself weak. It's a difficult situation and we can't help how we feel. You just need to put the feelings aside and let your rational brain control your actions. The feelings will eventually subside. Mind over matter is what I tell myself. If I tell myself what I need to do and just do it, everything else will fall into place.

 

I'm sorry

[jah526]

I don't think letting him know will make it "really be over". He will come back again most likely.

 

True, but changing my number will. It worked before, until I stupidly gave him my new one. He will have no way to contact me then. The previous time I did this I just changed it without telling him and then I felt guilty on top of everything else.

 

At least I know I've done this before, and it lasted for 5 months. It should be easier this time.

 

I know people here say NC over and over, and I didn't want to believe that it had to go that far. But it does. I know it does.

 

Thanks for the support, lostgirl. I appreciate it.

[jah526]

Well, she posted a picture of the bracelet. Apparently he took her out to eat too. Don't think she knows he's married. But this is the final nail for me. Sex with me yesterday, not a word today, and then this.

 

Ugh. It's painful and I feel like an idiot. But I am finally done. I'm just going to ghost. God, his poor, poor wife.

 

"Just have fun" - his a*****e motto. No matter who it hurts.

[Bufo]

Two things are very apparent to me.

 

First, you are in a typical affair. You trade sex for attention. He trades attention for sex. You think you can remain friends-thus still getting your attention fixes--but his actions tell you that's not what he will settle for.

 

Second you mentioned something I took as your concern you are being phased out at work. When handed lemons make lemonade. This is an opportunity to seek a new job while you are still employed. And an opportunity to put MM in your rear view mirror by getting another job elsewhere where you will not see him passing by.

 

I guess I have a third thought. As I have often posted, Rule 1 for a MM in an A is that it's always easier to try to keep an AP tahan it is to find, groom, and seduce a new AP. The corollary of that rule is the Kenny Rogers postulate: you gotta know when to hold em, know when to fold em, when to walk away, know when to run... He's making that determination now independent of your feelings.

 

Help the poor man decide. NC means no contact. Physical or verbal. And includes texting etc. If he figures you are really gone, he'll do the full court press on other candidates and move on from you. That should be your goal if it isn't your goal already. It's the right thing to do. (I don't recall you mentioning his BW or his family situation in your posts).

 

I hope I haven't violated the guidelines with these 2 x 4's.

Edited June 23, 2017 by Bufo

[jah526]

Thanks for your thoughts Bufo. What I think or feel has no impact on his decisions. He already decided a long time ago. He's been grooming this one from almost when it started with me - about a year. He's just ramping up the heat now.

 

And actually I think this one may know about his situation and be ok with it (he is married with 2 small kids). She is a party girl and an excon. Probably much better suited to his needs.

 

NC will probably suit him just fine. I'm gone and not causing him any problems. Great for him.

[Birdies]

You gotta take back control. How can you "end up" at YOUR house if that's not what you want? It's your house! Remember this guy is a sociopath and a sexual assaulter. The sooner he is out of your life, the better. Hugs xoxoxoxo

[jah526]

You gotta take back control. How can you "end up" at YOUR house if that's not what you want? It's your house! Remember this guy is a sociopath and a sexual assaulter. The sooner he is out of your life, the better. Hugs xoxoxoxo

 

Yep. I know a lot of this is my fault. I can't seem to say no to him. He dangles the friendship bait and I bite every time. Maybe I'm just that lonely. But what I can do is not respond, and that's what I will do. Pathetic that it had to come to him moving on to someone else to finally end it. Not saying I don't deserve it.

[Birdies]

You DON'T deserve it. He is a sociopath who preys on people. I'm glad you're feeling strong about not responding. Keep it up!

[deadsoul]

Yep. I know a lot of this is my fault. I can't seem to say no to him. He dangles the friendship bait and I bite every time. Maybe I'm just that lonely. But what I can do is not respond, and that's what I will do. Pathetic that it had to come to him moving on to someone else to finally end it. Not saying I don't deserve it.

 

Don't give him this power. It's not that you can't, it's that you won't. Be strong within yourself. Know you are worth more and deserve better. Every interaction with him gives you that momentary high and then you crash and burn. Every single time.

 

Easier said than done. But he may have done you a favor moving on. You may not see it right now, but down the road you will be thankful that's not you.

 

Take care of you. I can say the words you deserve better, but you have to start acting like you do. Stay NC.

[jah526]

Well, it's over, just like that. I sent him a very short text saying that I was done, we aren't friends, and asked him to delete my number. He sent back an even shorter text saying "Same here too. Deleted."

 

Which confirms my suspicions that he is involved with this girl.

 

But eh, it's over. What a waste.

[Birdies]

You will look back on this and thank yourself for being such a badass and getting this toxic dude out of your life! Proud of you girl!

[jah526]

Thanks, Birdies. You have been a great support to me.

[deadsoul]

Well, it's over, just like that. I sent him a very short text saying that I was done, we aren't friends, and asked him to delete my number. He sent back an even shorter text saying "Same here too. Deleted."

 

Which confirms my suspicions that he is involved with this girl.

 

But eh, it's over. What a waste.

 

It doesn't seem like it now, but he just did you a HUGE favor. HUGE. When you can get past some of the pain, start looking hard at how dysfunctional this was and how you deserve so, so much better.

 

If anything, you should probably pity the girl, but she is not your concern. Nor is he.

 

The day will take a long time to come. But know that it will, where you say, "I'm worth so much more than this." And you will believe it. Set this as your goal and work toward it. It's one of mine.

 

But right now, allow yourself to grieve. Just take steps to better yourself and you'll find you'll grieve less.

 

PS. Don't make this a waste. You have some valuable learning and growing to do from this whole experience. And that, my friend, is not a waste.

[jah526]

Thanks deadsoul. I'm feeling pretty much relieved. The only thing that makes me angry is that I feel like I've made it easy for him. Oh well. At least he knows he won't have me to come back to if and when this new thing goes south.

[jah526]

The bracelet - it's a pretty cheap one and for obvious reasons I don't want it anymore. I had the thought of giving it back to him, leaving it on his desk, but I feel like even that is breaking no contact. I guess I could give it to someone else - maybe his gym instructor? Haha.

[Adoraxx]

Put it in the trash :-). it's what I did with my xMM's (broken) bracelet too and a few rocks that he gave me. I burned his pics and notes and had my own little bonfire there

[Bufo]

Don't give the bracelet to his gym instructor. Why give him ANY reason to contact you. Give it to the Salvation Army or,other such charity so it's gone from your life, just like he is.

 

I know it hurts now but try to be thankful,that he has moved on. That solves a big problem you've had.

[jah526]

Don't give the bracelet to his gym instructor. Why give him ANY reason to contact you. Give it to the Salvation Army or,other such charity so it's gone from your life, just like he is.

 

I know it hurts now but try to be thankful,that he has moved on. That solves a big problem you've had.

 

I wasn't really going to give it to her. But it did make me laugh, thinking it would make her wonder how special that special gift really was.

 

It will probably end up at Goodwill.