NC at work

[jennifernyc84]

Thanks all for being gentle. If I were a MM I'd fall in love with you all and leave my wife for you.

 

Lmao!!!! This post Jah, I'm done

[jennifernyc84]

I'm actually glad I broke NC this week. But I'm also glad I had that time (almost 6 weeks) away, because it helped me get myself out of the vicious cycle we were in. It was definitely an addiction. And I'm not saying I don't still have moments when I want him - for whatever reason I am extremely sexually attracted to him, like a magnet. But now I have time and space to reflect on how much that will hurt if I continue to do it.

 

Speaking with him again was like hearing the same broken record again. I know he has an addictive personality. He chooses to give in to the addictions instead of fighting them. It's going to bite him in the end, already has in some ways. One time he said the reason we are addicted is because we never fully gave in to the addiction. I guess that makes some sort of sense? Along the lines of screwing until you are both sick of each other - anyone tried this? I'm curious if that would actually work (not that I'm considering it).

 

He's still trying his same tricks - triangulation, pleading with his eyes, minimizing. It's just not going to work anymore.

 

I white-knuckled it for 6 weeks, trying so hard to stay away from something I thought I needed. I'm sure in some weird way this was tied in to my mom's passing - he swooped in during a time when I was vulnerable, promising to always be there for me, even telling me he would take care of me. So letting go of that dependence was scary. It made me feel like I'd be truly alone, which is not even true but shows just how brainwashed I was. Now I know I don't need this relationship. And more than that, I don't want it. I think I'm free.

 

 

It's so refreshing to hear this Jah!! I have always felt like you and I go through the motions together. Everything that's happened in both our situations has been somewhat similar. If you can get where you are now, so can I!!

 

I have faith in you and in myself. I'm still not there but I am still trying. I won't ever stop trying to get free from myself.

 

So good to see a postivive post from you Jah. Keep em comin!

[jah526]

It's so refreshing to hear this Jah!! I have always felt like you and I go through the motions together. Everything that's happened in both our situations has been somewhat similar. If you can get where you are now, so can I!!

 

I have faith in you and in myself. I'm still not there but I am still trying. I won't ever stop trying to get free from myself.

 

So good to see a postivive post from you Jah. Keep em comin!

 

My A, if you can even call it that, lasted about 7 mos. I can't even imagine being in your situation. It's going to take time, but at least we are headed in the right direction. Thanks for the reply, and I'm glad to know you are hanging in there!

[jah526]

I want to get my money back from that counselor who suggested I go talk to him.

 

He is maneuvering me back into rotation. First the online game, then gym, then... Why can't I say no to him? I don't want him, I actually think I hate him. He is playing with me like a cat plays with a mouse.

 

He's always talking about other "hot" women, and I say, why don't you just get with them then? He also claims it would be so easy for him. The answers vary from "she wants a boyfriend" (he only wants a **** buddy) to that I am a close friend and he has more feelings for me. What's the real reason? That I've already caved several times and so I'm easier to manipulate?

 

I know I need to go dead silent again. I truly believe he's a sociopathic predator, and I'm sick of this twisted game.

[whichwayisup]

Find a new therapist to talk to!!

 

Yes he loves this game. He is manipulating you and you keep falling for it over and over again. When you truly are sick and tired of it all, you'll find the strength to end it and stay away from him and ignore him.

[NTV]

Hey, I just wanted to point it out in case it got overlooked. .. you said he's running online scams? You mean like the kind that con retired grandparents out of their life savings?

 

If so, then you may want to give some anonymous info to the proper authorities. That goes beyond how you feel or don't feel about him and into the realm of criminal.

[drypuddle]

I want to get my money back from that counselor who suggested I go talk to him.

 

He is maneuvering me back into rotation. First the online game, then gym, then... Why can't I say no to him? I don't want him, I actually think I hate him. He is playing with me like a cat plays with a mouse.

 

He's always talking about other "hot" women, and I say, why don't you just get with them then? He also claims it would be so easy for him. The answers vary from "she wants a boyfriend" (he only wants a **** buddy) to that I am a close friend and he has more feelings for me. What's the real reason? That I've already caved several times and so I'm easier to manipulate?

 

I know I need to go dead silent again. I truly believe he's a sociopathic predator, and I'm sick of this twisted game.

 

Hi jah! Good thing you know how to go NC then, right? Maybe it's time for that tactic again. I know you're worried about not having much of a social circle and he provides an outlet for that ... have you been on the Meetup website? I'm not sure where you live, but it's been a great way for me to get out and meet people of my age with similar interests! Something to think about.

[FoundMyStrength]

What's the real reason? That I've already caved several times and so I'm easier to manipulate?

 

I know I need to go dead silent again. I truly believe he's a sociopathic predator, and I'm sick of this twisted game.

 

Jah, go NC on him. I don't know if this guy's a sociopath, but it's pretty clear he's a grade-A ***hole. Just look at your first sentence. He's maneuvering you back into "the rotation." Don't let this guy do that to you. You deserve so much better. Hang in there, you did it once, you can do it again.

Edited March 1, 2017 by FoundMyStrength
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[BourneWicked]

Work affairs are the worst so hard to escape.

 

One think I think... something said to me once that stuck with me a long time: people tell you who they are all the time.

 

He's talking about other 'hot' women, how he can get around. He's telling you exactly who he is. He's in it for the thrill of the chase, he's in it for the sex. He's not in it for you.

 

Probably, you like the game too. It's fun, it's exciting, it's something to look forward to in an otherwise bleak and boring work day.

 

Is there anywhere else you can get this? Not at work, 'safe' flirting with others who aren't in a relationship, hobbies like skiing or working out (NOT at the gym he goes to ! ) art, volunteering, getting together with friends?

 

I think the best way to deal is to replace the addiction with other things that have intensity and purpose. Or at least, this is one of a few ways I know to cope. Fill your life up so there's no room in it for him.

[BourneWicked]

And one other thought - it is nice being someone's addiction, isn't it? You're ecstasy, or heroine, and you know his wife doesn't make him feel that way.

 

But is that really what you want from a man - to be his designer drug that he can't see clearly through the haze? Or do you want a man to see you for the flawed, fun person you are, and love you anyway?

[jah526]

It was exciting at first, I will admit. Honestly, it's been a long time since anyone took an interest in me that way.

 

It became less exciting and more an exercise in abuse when he flat out told me he was only interested in sex and, based on his unfavorable comparisons of me with other women, he didn't really find me that attractive either. I was just a set of holes to him. He knew I was at a particularly vulnerable time in my life (my mother was dying), so I was easy to exploit.

 

Why it continued after that? He kept wanting to come back for more, I needed the physical comfort, my self-esteem was so low I couldn't say no, I couldn't face my mother's death (still can't), I kept wanting him to care, just a little. Any of a number of reasons.

 

Mostly I wanted him to be a friend - he kept telling me he was, and I wanted so much to believe it. I kept trying to make someone care who didn't care at all - just wanted to use and abuse me.

 

They say that an addict will quit when the pain gets more intolerable than the pleasure. It got that way for me. So, no, I don't think this was a fun game. It was for him. For me, for a few minutes of physical closeness, I paid a very high price.

 

NTV - the scams afaik are not illegal. Unethical, yes. But ethics is not really his strong point. That's only what he's told me about though - could be just the tip of the iceberg, and I wouldn't be surprised.

 

For all who are wondering, yes, I've gone complete NC again.

[jah526]

I haven't been keeping strict no contact, thinking that maybe we could still be friends. One day a couple of weeks ago he asked me to help him out with something, which I did. It went pretty well except that he was still hinting around about going to my place and then scrapping the idea. The next day he asked me to go to the gym with him. He was ranting about something and I kept trying to interject, and he kept shouting over me to shut me down. Eventually I became the target, I'm not even sure how. Anyway, we got to the door of the gym and suddenly I just didn't want to go in with him. So we turned around and went back, with him ranting at me the whole way. Finally he said he had a bunch of fun stuff planned for us but now he didn't think it was going to work out, and he got out of the car and walked away without even saying goodbye.

 

So, I kind of think this is it. Neither of us has contacted the other in a couple weeks. I know it's so stupid but I feel like I'm at fault, and I miss him. I feel so frustrated that I can't make this right. I'm probably being an idiot too because it's likely he's working on someone else.

 

But now I have nothing. Trying to eliminate the toxic people in your life is not as easy as you'd think. Probably because nobody is 100% toxic, and you learn to cherish the good parts. And for a lonely person, it is hard to let go of anyone, especially someone who sometimes made you feel good.

 

I have gone back to 100% NC, blocked him everywhere, even though I don't really think he cares anymore. It still hurts.

[aileD]

You think it's your fault be treated you like sh**t?

 

Wrong.

 

You think you have nothing?

 

Wrong. You have a clean slate to do things the right way with a decent man.

 

I know it's hard, because one gets addicted to the good stuff....but this is a blessing and a chance for you to grow. Celebrate!

[Birdies]

Omg This guy is such an abusive pyschopath, I can't even believe it. Please continue to stay no contact with him! You know you'll be better off that way even though you're right that everyone has some good pieces to them Can you sign up to volunteer at an animal shelter, or do a meet up group with an activity you like in the meantime?

[whichwayisup]

What is it that you actually like about him? He treats you like crap and belittles you, talks over you like what you have to say means nothing. It's disrespectful and rude. Why on earth would you want a man like that, let alone a friend like that? PS: He isn't 'a friend'. Not even close.

 

Are you done yet? I hope you stick with NC and remember why it's best to rid of him from your life. He brings you stress, sadness and pain much more than he does happiness or fun. Remember that when you really start missing him and open that door again.

[Blacksheep27]

Can someone please help me create a post?? I really need some advise n idk how to use this site (on my mobile, no computer)

[jah526]

I still feel like I need closure. Even if he tells me he really only wanted me for some extra sex. At least I'd know. But he was forever telling me I was his best friend. So I'm confused. But I guess it's not likely I'd ever get the truth.

 

I did find out he's blocked me on FB. And I did text him to apologize about something I said that may have set him off. He's not replying. I think this is one too many pull-push incidents and it's finally broken.

 

I guess he hates me, and I still have to work with him. I handled this so badly.

[BTDT2012]

I still feel like I need closure. Even if he tells me he really only wanted me for some extra sex. At least I'd know. But he was forever telling me I was his best friend. So I'm confused. But I guess it's not likely I'd ever get the truth.

 

I did find out he's blocked me on FB. And I did text him to apologize about something I said that may have set him off. He's not replying. I think this is one too many pull-push incidents and it's finally broken.

 

I guess he hates me, and I still have to work with him. I handled this so badly.

 

There is no closure.

[aileD]

I still feel like I need closure. Even if he tells me he really only wanted me for some extra sex. At least I'd know. But he was forever telling me I was his best friend. So I'm confused. But I guess it's not likely I'd ever get the truth.

 

I did find out he's blocked me on FB. And I did text him to apologize about something I said that may have set him off. He's not replying. I think this is one too many pull-push incidents and it's finally broken.

 

I guess he hates me, and I still have to work with him. I handled this so badly.

 

 

The truth is this: He really only wanted you for sex but you're not the type of woman to do that so he lied to you and told you that you were his best friend knowing you'd be more likely to have sex with him if you thought emotions were involved. It worked.

[jah526]

Just feeling very low today. I know it's 100% over because he's not trying anymore - not texting, not asking me to go anywhere, nothing. Part of me misses the attention I think. And I guess I really wanted to believe he was my friend despite all evidence to the contrary. Still says he's my friend, but probably because I've become too difficult for him, he has decided not to make any effort anymore.

 

I should feel happy about this, but I just feel like I screwed up. Honestly, I think he may have found someone else. He seems to have an MO of targeting older women, because there is one I've seen him hanging out with recently, and I know she's met him at least once outside of work.

 

I guess I'm having a hard time reconciling the person I know at work, who is always nice, even gentlemanly, with the thug I saw away from work. I believe the person I saw outside of work is the real him though.

 

Not even sure why this hurts. It just does.

[Rebelnoir]

 

I guess I'm having a hard time reconciling the person I know at work, who is always nice, even gentlemanly, with the thug I saw away from work. I believe the person I saw outside of work is the real him though.

 

Not even sure why this hurts. It just does.

 

I hope you're ok. I can't offer much advice as I just broke NC with my MM, who I work with, so I'm in a similar place. But, I wanted to comment on this part of your post.

 

Before I went NC with my MM I read the no contact rule by Natalie Lue. There's a chapter on working with the person you're NC with and she talks about this particular point. She basically says that (especially when you feel a strong sense of rejection) you need to remember that just because they might be liked by other people, or they treat them well, it doesn't distract from or change the fact that it didn't work with you. The way somebody behaves at work and to their 'public' doesn't have anything to do with how they behave behind closed doors. So you need to remind yourself that you know this person in a different way to everyone else.

 

She recommends going on a bull**** diet... shattering your illusions about them and how they are perceived and seeing them for what they are. I just wanted you to know that what you're feeling isn't unusual (there's a whole chapter in a book about it!) it seems to be a common reaction, but you're right you do know the real him.

[Birdies]

^^^ Exactly. The gentleman he was at work was just a facade for the cruel sociopath that he has hiding inside. Like Christian Bale's character in American Psycho. It's understandable that this is confusing, because most people do not have a Jekyl and Hyde personality. But! He does! Remember, he basically raped you with physical force.....you know? I'm sorry to bring that up because I know it must be a difficult memory. But really, this is not a nice or good man in any way. You're doing great! Keep up the NC. It'll hurt less and less over time.

[jah526]

Thanks Rebelnoir and Birdies.

 

To be honest, and I cringe to say this, because I'm ashamed of myself too - I haven't been able to maintain NC with him. I haven't had any physical contact with him since the beginning of the year, when he asked me to do something humiliating that I'd never done before, and I did it. And then afterwards he left me in the parking lot alone because he didn't want to walk into work with me. So I had to follow behind while I watched him hold the door open for another woman and accompany her back to her work area. I changed my phone number that night, and began the process of withdrawal.

 

It worked too, for 6 weeks, even though at times I felt like I was going to jump out of my skin. Then my first therapist said she didn't think we were a good fit, and I got another one who suggested I sit down and talk with this guy and try to come to an understanding. That's when I broke no contact.

 

There hasn't been much contact, and for the most part, I do stay away. And now I think he's decided that I'm too difficult, and I'm suspecting he's working on or actually found someone else, so he isn't making an effort to contact me. And all this should be great news. But I'm still mentally addicted, and I conjure up scenarios of him being with someone else and treating her with the respect that he never had for me. I know this is crazy. He doesn't even respect his wife enough to stay faithful to her.

 

Maybe I'll be better tomorrow. The support honestly helps.

[Vivir]

But I'm still mentally addicted, and I conjure up scenarios of him being with someone else and treating her with the respect that he never had for me.

 

Jah, I believe it was Rebelnoir who mentioned The No Contact Rule by Natalie Lue. The aforementioned author also drives home the point in all of her books and on her blog that people *don't* magically change when they are with someone new. They are putting their best foot forward, but their actual personalities eventually emerge.

 

By the way, I found her book Mr. Unavailable and the Fallback Girl to be most helpful.

[Birdies]

Thanks Rebelnoir and Birdies.

 

To be honest, and I cringe to say this, because I'm ashamed of myself too - I haven't been able to maintain NC with him. I haven't had any physical contact with him since the beginning of the year, when he asked me to do something humiliating that I'd never done before, and I did it. And then afterwards he left me in the parking lot alone because he didn't want to walk into work with me. So I had to follow behind while I watched him hold the door open for another woman and accompany her back to her work area. I changed my phone number that night, and began the process of withdrawal.

 

It worked too, for 6 weeks, even though at times I felt like I was going to jump out of my skin. Then my first therapist said she didn't think we were a good fit, and I got another one who suggested I sit down and talk with this guy and try to come to an understanding. That's when I broke no contact.

 

There hasn't been much contact, and for the most part, I do stay away. And now I think he's decided that I'm too difficult, and I'm suspecting he's working on or actually found someone else, so he isn't making an effort to contact me. And all this should be great news. But I'm still mentally addicted, and I conjure up scenarios of him being with someone else and treating her with the respect that he never had for me. I know this is crazy. He doesn't even respect his wife enough to stay faithful to her.

 

Maybe I'll be better tomorrow. The support honestly helps.

 

That's ok, no contact is a goal, and if you're doing it 90%, that's a hell of a lot better than 0%. And yes, those visions are a complete fantasy (although understandable) - you know who this guy is. He's not magically going to turn into a good guy. He's an abusive sociopath.