I confessed

[deadsoul]

You wrote in bold that you do not want anyone else and you desire to be a better person.

 

A few days ago your H asked you if you would have another affair. You actually thought that was a question. It was not a question. Your H needed you to tell him that you would never have another affair for his healing or to help in his decision to reconcile.

 

From what you wrote, you did not look your BH in the eye and say " I will never have another affair" IMHO, that was a HUGE error ( or maybe it is your truth)

 

The recent activity seems to be a turning point for you. You hurt him again and now you say you are 100% all in.

 

If you are 100% all in, then there is no way you could have another affair. If this is the case then go back to your H and answer the question again.

 

If you can not look your H in the eye after you betrayed him twice ( and yesterday was as betrayal) and tell him unequivocally that you will not have another affair, That you will be honest with him and ask for a divorce BEFORE YOU BETRAY HIM AGAIN, then you are not 100% all in.

 

Please consider this. It would go a long way to help your R, if this is what you truly desire.

 

How can I say I will never have another affair? I never thought I'd have one in the first place. What I did say was that if I got into that situation again, I promised he would know so that he could make his decision to divorce. I messed up bad yesterday. And he was the first one I came home and told. The old me would've kept it quiet. I told him, even though i knew it would hurt him. It was hard to tell him. But I'm about being honest and I thought I was doing the right thing at the time (confronting OM) and later, upon reflection, I didn't. I can say whatever he needs to hear to make him feel better. But my actions need to show otherwise. And yesterday, they did not. I was selfish. Once again. It hurts that I hurt him to make myself feel better. Just like I did in the A.

[deadsoul]

I disagree, I do believe that BS's want honesty​ from the wayward spouses.

 

I had people here ask me why I think or act like my wife is a measuring stick to judge other WW. First off I don't, along our journey she made alot of mistakes, but once she became truly honest with me about her feelings good and bad I felt like it was her saying this is who I am, I deserve to be loved for exactly who I am. I believe that takes a great deal of courage because it runs the risk of being rejected. Which is the reason she hide parts of herself from me since she was 16. I grew to understand the trust that it showed she had in me. She said here I am love me or walk. Now I know exactly who this woman is, I know she has my best interest by allowing me to truly know her.

 

Yes, BS want honesty from wayward spouses. Even if it is hurtful? I came home right away and told him the truth and it stuck the knife in him once again. I admitted I had had feelings I didn't know what to do with. How do you think that made him feel? Now, of course he feels like plan B. But all this time when you, especially, pointed out I seemed disconnected, this was the main reason. I was dealing with feelings I DON'T WANT. And it felt dishonest that I still have them. I feel like screaming from the rooftops, I DON'T WANT OM. I don't know what to do with these feelings and to read Jenkins experiencing that too made me feel both better and worse. Because I should have absolutely NO feelings for OM if I am 100% towards BH. I don't know how to reconcile that. I have a feeling any BS will come here and tell me, "DS, you aren't 100% because you are still having feelings for OM. You must want him." But I don't. So it feels like a double-edged sword right now... complete transparency doesn't help BS.

 

I've never done heroin, but I imagine heroin addicts don't want that next hit, but they want that high. And in recovery, I imagine they have to come to terms with their choices being selfish and hurting the ones they love. But even when 100% clean, I imagine they still deal with cravings. But that doesn't mean they want it or will go do it. I feel the same way. I'm dealing with cravings. But I don't want OM. I did something yesterday that I thought would help me move past it. It just hurt my BH. That feels worse than dealing with my feelings.

 

So there it is. BH now has me completely exposed. He will have to decide if he can accept this. I'm still trying to put humpty dumpty (me) back together again. Again, I do not want sympathy or pity.

 

I'm on Day 1 of NC. Again. And it feels like crap to start over again. But this time I'm completely exposed and out there.

[MikeM 1028]

You are processing, grieving and essentially growing past this. From reading your posts, I think you've become angry at the OM as an outlet b/c you're angry at yourself and how you've hurt your H. You carry this grief and resentment at yourself and it needs an escape. Hence, the stopping to yell at OM. I don't blame you in a sense. But now we know that venting your anger at contacting the OM is not helping.

 

You've come a long way in all this. I believe you're going to come out the other side being a much stronger, less selfish and more aware spouse. You will value the integrity of your M and family and not allow anyone to disrupt that. You know, we've all made mistakes. You learn from them. Don't beat yourself up. Discuss how it's best for you to vent your anger with the IC.

 

You got this!!!!

[deadsoul]

You are processing, grieving and essentially growing past this. From reading your posts, I think you've become angry at the OM as an outlet b/c you're angry at yourself and how you've hurt your H. You carry this grief and resentment at yourself and it needs an escape. Hence, the stopping to yell at OM. I don't blame you in a sense. But now we know that venting your anger at contacting the OM is not helping.

 

You've come a long way in all this. I believe you're going to come out the other side being a much stronger, less selfish and more aware spouse. You will value the integrity of your M and family and not allow anyone to disrupt that. You know, we've all made mistakes. You learn from them. Don't beat yourself up. Discuss how it's best for you to vent your anger with the IC.

 

You got this!!!!

 

I agree with this to a point... but reality is that I was angry at OM at the way he just threw me away like I was yesterday's trash. But I'm angry with myself that a) I let another person determine my self-worth b) that I did these things with no regard to my H and c) I had been carrying it around for awhile, pushing it way down, but it was there.

 

I can't help beating myself up. It's what I do best. But I need to stop with the self-pity and start changing the behaviors or I'm bound to repeat them. And I don't want to do that.

 

I'm going to have to go into IC and MC and tell them what I did yesterday. And I will do that and ask for strategies on how to deal with the emotions I've been carrying around in productive ways.

[deadsoul]

In a sense, it was a betrayal all over again. I put my needs in front of BH, I had an interaction with someone I should not have had one with and it hurt the person I love. So it is a betrayal. There were emotions directed at OM that he has no right to. So I'm fine with calling it that.

 

By her words, it hurt him, so please substitute another word for betrayal, if you feel it is warranted..

 

The post was not about the accidental meeting. It was about looking this man in the eye and promising to never hurt him or her family again.

 

That is being in her corner. I am not hitting her with 2x4s. This time, she hit herself and it appears to have changed something.

 

The OP said the magic words....."I am 100% all in"

 

That is very different from what she has said before. DS, If you want to reconcile, then start reconciling.

 

This is my opinion only and there is no malice intended.

[Southern Sun]

Oh, DS. I think you are expressing what many of us WS feel.

 

There is a duality about recovery that can make you question even your own agenda. If I still have these thoughts and feelings, does it mean I truly want to R? But I feel I want to R...so why do I have these thoughts and feelings???

 

Don't you remember being in the A? Weren't there conflicting emotions going on then too? Two parts of yourself at war? Obviously we were doing what we were doing without a gun to our heads...so it was purposeful. We were getting something out of it. And yet...at the same time...I know I was constantly berating myself. I needed to stop. I wanted to stop. I didn't want to lose my M. What in the hell was I DOING???

 

Sometimes of course this state can mean you are living dishonestly, but other times, like now, doing the work of recovery, it just means you are killing a part of your self that no longer serves you. You used this affair just like a heroin addict uses heroin…as an escape, to fill a void, to soothe some pain. So now you must deal with the withdrawals. You don’t want that nasty drug. It’s just what it is.

 

Me, I over-analyze. I have spent a lot of time wondering HOW I could do this to my husband; WHY I struggled for so long after the end; and specifically, if those two things meant I must not be sorry enough. But here’s the sad reality: I had a relationship with someone else while I was married. Married or not, I still had feelings for the person with whom I had the relationship. That was NOT RIGHT. The problem is, right or not, I still must get over the stupid feelings I had for that person, now that the relationship is done. Even though the relationship was wrong, and it happened while I was married, which meant it never should have happened at all – it still had many of the trappings of a relationship. In that I felt the feelings. So I don't buy your statement, “I should have NO feelings for the OM if I am for my BH.” How is that even realistic? I wanted it to be that way. I wanted it immediately. But the fact was that it was just going to take time. I’m grateful for a husband who fought through the misery with me. It was NOT easy. But slowly, surely, we are so.much.better.

 

I guess I wonder about the people who say they were able to turn off feelings like water from a spigot. Either there WERE no feelings; the relationship didn't really exist (was transactional); the R had already run its course by the time of confession or discovery; or the WS is a sociopath.

 

The opposing realities are hard to reconcile but can exist together, with the desired snuffing out the undesired over time, DS, if you want your BH. You must have compassion for his pain and turn to others if you need to deal with your own; you must be able to communicate; and patience on both sides does amazing things.

[MickeyBill]

This need that some folks have about "closure" is a very dangerous game. it can go so badly so quickly. What is it that that is being sought after? An apology? Admission of guilt? Admission of love. One last goodbye kiss?

Seems like the A closed when he ghosted you, but you wanted to get the last word in.

Like "You can't fire me you sonofabitch! I quit!

 

Have you shown such emotion like wanting to "shout from the rooftops that you don't want the OM" to your H about getting to R?

 

FWIW you dodged a bullet as the encounter could have gone sideways very fast...but you probably should have mumbled "theres's that sob" and kept driving.

 

How did Mr Deadsoul react?

[Mrs. John Adams]

Dead soul

 

We ALL take baby steps....we all go two steps forward and one step back. Reconciliation is hard....we don't know how to handle it or what to do...and while there are books and forums and therapists to help to guide us....we are still individuals...and we simply try to do the best we can.

 

God knows...I made a ton of mistakes along the way....more than i care to admit here.

 

and so did John.....after all...he had a revenge affair.

 

So there is plenty of blame to go around....and those who throw the biggest stones...probably made the biggest mistakes along the way.

 

I told you in the very beginning...you will gets tons of advice....take what applies and disregard the rest. Do what is best for you...listen to your heart and most of all...follow the lead of your betrayed.

 

John loved me...of that I was sure....and i loved John...despite my actions. If you both love each other...you can rebuild on that foundation. Give him what he needs...give him what he asks for...and quite frankly...to hell with loveshack and its experts.

 

Please do keep this in mind...there are those here who give bad advice....for one thing...they have absolutely no idea what it takes to reconcile...they divorced....so how do they know what reconciliation takes?

 

and also take lightly what people fresh from an affair have to offer......they are on the same path you are...in other words...the blind leading the blind.

 

and check out everything you read here with your therapist....and if you can....even with your husband. If he reads the things here...he may also give you some input as to what resonates with him.

 

Do not be discouraged....pick yourself back up...learn from this mistake you made yesterday...and move forward.

 

You got this babe...you can do it....and i believe you...I know how it feels when others take the things you say and try to twist it back into what an evil person you are.

 

You did an evil thing....but you are not an evil person. Live the rest of your life proving that.

[DKT3]

No feelings what so ever for the AP is unrealistic. I think understanding the all that encompasses is important. I think it's like cutting a pie into several pieces. There is the piece that says AP had to be worth the risk I took. Another piece is it had to be special beyond anything preceding it to take the risk. Another piece says AP has to love me to make it worth the risk. The biggest piece is there has to be an issue with husband and marriage, if not then Im a monster.

 

The biggest piece, in my opinion is what causes all the issues when attempting to R. I believe that there comes​ a time when I he WAS realize it all crap, which only leaves I'm a monster. Hard to make that admission, hard to look into ones soul and say I knowingly, willingly and gladly take the risk. But now, now that it's over and my AP has been exposed how do I accept it? How do I admit I risked so much for someone who so easily discarded me.

 

As it crashes down running aways seems easier, just push the BS away and start over.

[road]

Thank you too deadsoul, for the reply. Once again, I am very impressed at what you write and that you take the time to address and reply to every post.

 

 

 

If I ever felt myself pining or missing the OW, I did not tell my wife explicitly. It was most unwelcome to me and led to a lot of self-hatred and frustration which I had to deal with internally, but it is inevitable that we will have these thoughts, especially if there was an emotional element to the A. However wrong it was, we bonded with another person and this cannot simply be switched off. I eventually trained myself how to deal with and then stop these thoughts the moment I started to sense them coming. I'll be honest - I COULD think about the AP even now if I wanted, and let's face it, we will never truly forget our APs because they were central to a major event in our lives, but I have learned to be disciplined and deal with these damaging, disrespectful trails of thought appropriately.

 

In general, whilst honesty has to be the best policy going forward, I feel there is a line beyond which too much detail can only cause harm - such as very explicit sexual details or voicing lingering feelings for the AP. Let's face it, the BS will already have lots of very unwelcome "mind movies" in their head. I see no possible benefit in adding colour and reality to those mind movies. My wife would often find me sitting quiet and reflective and would ask what specifically I was thinking of. I would usually just explain that I was in deep remorse about everything concerning the affair and that my head was in a mess, that I was so sorry that people got hurt and would do anything to undo it. When I say "everything concerning the affair" that of course includes lingering feelings for the AP and also nagging doubts that the marriage could ever work after this. But I never actually voiced that specifically - I feel it would have been cruel and helped in no way whatsoever. I think most BS probably know at some level that these thoughts will occasionally play out in the WS's mind on some level because we are just human beings at the end of the day and our heads are just as messed up as theirs - the difference being of course that in our (wayward) case, it is 100% self-inflicted.

 

Do not beat yourself up if you have intrusive thoughts of the AP. You are not alone and it does not mean that you are insincere in your desire for R. You are dealing with an inevitable hangover of the A which you now deeply regret. Learn to deal with these thoughts in a way that works for you. Remember that all waywards, unless they are psychopaths, need to do the same – and we owe it to our BS and ourselves to do it properly – this may require counselling. If we were able to flick a switch to banish all thoughts of the AP, we would be robots. Instead we have to actively work on dealing with the mess in our heads as efficiently and respectfully as possible. We got ourselves into this mess and created a bond that was based on a selfish fantasy and should never have been created in the first place. But it WAS created, and it needs to be dealt with. Just beating oneself up about it is not enough, we need to process it, grieve if necessary (and I understand why that would make may BS want to reach for the sick bag), and work through it before we can really put it behind us. To just ignore it will delay our recovery. I found these articles quite helpful and enlightening on this subject. I hope they may be of use to you too.

 

https://www.affairrecovery.com/survivors/samuel/are-they-thinking-about-their-affair-partner

 

https://affairadvice.wordpress.com/2012/08/20/why-cant-i-get-over-my-affair-partner/

 

Keep posting deadsoul and take care.

 

 

 

Many a WS have lingering feelings for their AP even though they

want to recover their marriage and regret the affair.

 

 

It is normal during the affair for the WS to develop feelings for the

AP and combined with the addictive feelings the affair creates for

the AP it is normal for the WS to grieve for and miss their AP.

 

 

The WS telling the BS that they are grieving for the loss of their

AP is going to be painful for a BS to hear. So best for the WS to

down play this and avoid mentioning it.

[road]

Dead soul, It is one thing to hate the OM. Some WW never hate

their OM. Some after the affair just feel nothing for their OM.

 

 

So the issue is not what you feel about the OM now. The issue is

that you broke NC. You broke NC and had no justification to break

NC.

 

 

Ranting at the OM served purpose. You ranted and it did nothing to

resolve any issues. It did not make up for you having sex with the

OM. It could not make up for you having sex with the OM.

 

 

All your breaking NC did was for your BH to have another D day

because you broke NC.

[Cephalopod]

The confrontation was born of selfishness. You are still acting from a place of self. Only when you take the focus off you and put it on your husband and marriage will you start to come out of that place.

[jenkins95]

Oh, DS. I think you are expressing what many of us WS feel.

 

There is a duality about recovery that can make you question even your own agenda. If I still have these thoughts and feelings, does it mean I truly want to R? But I feel I want to R...so why do I have these thoughts and feelings???

 

Don't you remember being in the A? Weren't there conflicting emotions going on then too? Two parts of yourself at war? Obviously we were doing what we were doing without a gun to our heads...so it was purposeful. We were getting something out of it. And yet...at the same time...I know I was constantly berating myself. I needed to stop. I wanted to stop. I didn't want to lose my M. What in the hell was I DOING???

 

Sometimes of course this state can mean you are living dishonestly, but other times, like now, doing the work of recovery, it just means you are killing a part of your self that no longer serves you. You used this affair just like a heroin addict uses heroin…as an escape, to fill a void, to soothe some pain. So now you must deal with the withdrawals. You don’t want that nasty drug. It’s just what it is.

 

Me, I over-analyze. I have spent a lot of time wondering HOW I could do this to my husband; WHY I struggled for so long after the end; and specifically, if those two things meant I must not be sorry enough. But here’s the sad reality: I had a relationship with someone else while I was married. Married or not, I still had feelings for the person with whom I had the relationship. That was NOT RIGHT. The problem is, right or not, I still must get over the stupid feelings I had for that person, now that the relationship is done. Even though the relationship was wrong, and it happened while I was married, which meant it never should have happened at all – it still had many of the trappings of a relationship. In that I felt the feelings. So I don't buy your statement, “I should have NO feelings for the OM if I am for my BH.” How is that even realistic? I wanted it to be that way. I wanted it immediately. But the fact was that it was just going to take time. I’m grateful for a husband who fought through the misery with me. It was NOT easy. But slowly, surely, we are so.much.better.

 

I guess I wonder about the people who say they were able to turn off feelings like water from a spigot. Either there WERE no feelings; the relationship didn't really exist (was transactional); the R had already run its course by the time of confession or discovery; or the WS is a sociopath.

 

The opposing realities are hard to reconcile but can exist together, with the desired snuffing out the undesired over time, DS, if you want your BH. You must have compassion for his pain and turn to others if you need to deal with your own; you must be able to communicate; and patience on both sides does amazing things.

 

Very good post SS and reflects what I, and other former waywards have posted.

 

deadsoul - how are you today? Another thing to bear in mind is that it is possible to love more than person at one time. This is something to consider when you are battling with "But how could I love my BS if I have thoughts for OM?" type thoughts.

 

I'm not making any kind of excuses - it is awful that people like you and I ever put ourselves in a position where we can love someone else - truly dispicable, and I hate myself for it every day. But it happens - play with fire and you get burned.

 

Another confusing and frustrating thing about it is that the love for the "other" can often feel more intense and exciting than that for the BS, which again can sow doubts in your mind about whether you really love your H (I'm not saying this was the case for you - but you often see it in WS postings). But the intensity of affair love tends to be simply because it is new, elicit, mysterious, forbidden, adventurous and exciting - limerence basically, and that it plays out in a fantasy world without normal life stresses (yes, the cliched "taking out the rubbish/trash", "dealing with screaming kids", "changing nappies/diapers" and "paying bills", etc). It is intense, but burns out usually within a year or so. You very likely had it with your BS once? I certainly did.

 

What you have with your H is a much deeper, truer, honest love. It may not feel so immediately exciting, but it is much purer and is built on years and years of living together, caring for each other, making commitments to each other and sharing your lives. This love can last forever. Look around you - how many people who have been married for 30+ years are still "madly in love"? I guess it happens, but more than likely, limerence will have long passed and evolved into the deeper, calmer, more mature love typical of a good marriage.

 

One reason that a lot of marriages that come from affairs fail is that the APs expect that limerence to last forever - and they sacrifice massively in it's pursuit. When it eventually gives way (as it almost always does), they realise that their new partner has faults too and they simply traded one set of problems for another leaving a trail of destruction in their wake, and that they'd have been a lot better off committing to and working on issues in their first marriages than jumping into a second.

 

Hope you and your H are having a good day deadsoul and that the incident on Sunday hasn't caused too much pain. It was unfortunate, but you regret it and have learned another lesson from it. Keep going.

Edited March 28, 2017 by jenkins95

[deadsoul]

Very good post SS and reflects what I, and other former waywards have posted.

 

deadsoul - how are you today? Another thing to bear in mind is that it is possible to love more than person at one time. This is something to consider when you are battling with "But how could I love my BS if I have thoughts for OM?" type thoughts.

 

I agree. My feelings for OM were limerence, not love. But the question you posted is something I've struggled with.

 

I'm not making any kind of excuses - it is awful that people like you and I ever put ourselves in a position where we can love someonbe else - truly dispicable and I hate myself for it ever day...but it happens, play with fire and you get nurned.

 

I also hate myself for it.

 

Another confusing and frustrating thing about it is that the love for the "other" can often feel more intense and exciting than that for the BS, which again can sow doubts in your mind about whether you really love your H (I'm not saying this was the case for you - but you often see it in WS postings). But the intensity of affair love tends to be simply because it is new, elicit, mysterious, adventurous and exciting - limerence basically, and that it plays out in a fantasy world without normal life stresses (yes, the cliched "taking out the trash", "dealing with screaming kids", etc). It is intense, but burns out usually wihtin a year or so. You very likely had it with your BS once? I certainly did.

 

All these things. But I do know the feelings for OM were not real, based on real life.

 

What you have with your H is a much deeper, truer, honest love. It may not feel so immediately exciting, but it is much purer and is built on years and years of living together, caring for each other, making commitments to each other and sharing your lives. This love can last forever. Look around you - how many people who have been married for 30+ years are still "madly in love"? I guess it happens, but more than likely, limerence will have long passed and evolved into the deeper, calmer, more mature love typical of a good marriage.

 

One reason that a lot of marriages that come from affairs fail is that the APs expect that limerence to last forever - and they sacrifice massively in it's pursuit. When it eventually gives way (as it almost always does), they realise that their new partner has afults too and they simply traded one set of problems for another leaving a trail of destruction in their wake, and that they'd have been a lot better off committing to and working on issues in their first marriages than jumping into a second.

 

I want to work on things with my husband. I truly believe that I would've never had a successful relationship with OM.

 

Hope you and your H are having a good day deadsoul and that the incident on Sunday hasn't caused too much pain. It was unfortunate, but you regret it and have learned another lesson from it. Keep going.

 

Thank you. It has been tough. But BH and I are talking. Really talking. And that part feels good. We aren't the best communicators and I think that we are really improving on that front.

 

Thanks again for your words. You seem to nail the exact things I'm feeling and what I'm going through. It helps so much to know I'm not alone.

[deadsoul]

Dead soul, It is one thing to hate the OM. Some WW never hate

their OM. Some after the affair just feel nothing for their OM.

 

 

So the issue is not what you feel about the OM now. The issue is

that you broke NC. You broke NC and had no justification to break

NC.

 

 

Ranting at the OM served purpose. You ranted and it did nothing to

resolve any issues. It did not make up for you having sex with the

OM. It could not make up for you having sex with the OM.

 

 

All your breaking NC did was for your BH to have another D day

because you broke NC.

 

I agree. What I did wasn't helpful towards R whatsoever. It was selfish.

[jenkins95]

[bH and I are talking. Really talking. And that part feels good. We aren't the best communicators and I think that we are really improving on that front.[/b]

 

Snap! Me and my wife are exactly the same, particularly me! Communication is the key to so much, and I used to suck at it. I'm really tring to improve on that front!

 

Thanks again for your words. You seem to nail the exact things I'm feeling and what I'm going through. It helps so much to know I'm not alone.

 

Thank you too for your replies and your honest posts. It's not easy to admit that you have faults and that you were selfish and wrong and are now confused. But you do - and you don't hide behind excuses. You will get there.

 

I recognise so much of you in me - it's just that I am several months further down the line than you. It gets better. Just keep doing the right things and treating your BS like your Prince, show him love at every opportunity. Make it as hard as possible for him to shoose the D route. I was lucky and got another chance - I have my fingers crossed for you too!

[deadsoul]

Oh, DS. I think you are expressing what many of us WS feel.

 

There is a duality about recovery that can make you question even your own agenda. If I still have these thoughts and feelings, does it mean I truly want to R? But I feel I want to R...so why do I have these thoughts and feelings???

 

Yes. This exactly

 

Don't you remember being in the A? Weren't there conflicting emotions going on then too? Two parts of yourself at war? Obviously we were doing what we were doing without a gun to our heads...so it was purposeful. We were getting something out of it. And yet...at the same time...I know I was constantly berating myself. I needed to stop. I wanted to stop. I didn't want to lose my M. What in the hell was I DOING???

 

This exactly too. I was miserable the whole time I was in it. I just wanted those little moments of high. But there were so many lows and so much self-hatred.

 

Sometimes of course this state can mean you are living dishonestly, but other times, like now, doing the work of recovery, it just means you are killing a part of your self that no longer serves you. You used this affair just like a heroin addict uses heroin…as an escape, to fill a void, to soothe some pain. So now you must deal with the withdrawals. You don’t want that nasty drug. It’s just what it is.

 

That's all OM is. A nasty drug.

 

Me, I over-analyze. I have spent a lot of time wondering HOW I could do this to my husband; WHY I struggled for so long after the end; and specifically, if those two things meant I must not be sorry enough. But here’s the sad reality: I had a relationship with someone else while I was married. Married or not, I still had feelings for the person with whom I had the relationship. That was NOT RIGHT. The problem is, right or not, I still must get over the stupid feelings I had for that person, now that the relationship is done. Even though the relationship was wrong, and it happened while I was married, which meant it never should have happened at all – it still had many of the trappings of a relationship. In that I felt the feelings. So I don't buy your statement, “I should have NO feelings for the OM if I am for my BH.” How is that even realistic? I wanted it to be that way. I wanted it immediately. But the fact was that it was just going to take time. I’m grateful for a husband who fought through the misery with me. It was NOT easy. But slowly, surely, we are so.much.better.

 

I feel like I should have no feelings for OM if I'm for my BH. That's been my struggle. But it just isn't the truth. I am dealing with those feelings. And it hurts to admit that. I also want NO feelings for him. But I am realizing I need to give myself time to let go. It's a tough spot because I feel like any time I have those feelings, I'm hurting my BH more.

 

I guess I wonder about the people who say they were able to turn off feelings like water from a spigot. Either there WERE no feelings; the relationship didn't really exist (was transactional); the R had already run its course by the time of confession or discovery; or the WS is a sociopath.

 

I couldn't turn them off. I tried. Now I'm realizing I have to let myself feel them, but also see them for what they truly are. Fantasy. Not real. Not life.

 

The opposing realities are hard to reconcile but can exist together, with the desired snuffing out the undesired over time, DS, if you want your BH. You must have compassion for his pain and turn to others if you need to deal with your own; you must be able to communicate; and patience on both sides does amazing things.

 

Thank you for this. One thing about my BH... he is a very patient man. I don't know how he does it. Many times I look at him and just think, I don't deserve him. He deserves better. I hope one day I can be worthy of him because I want to be.

[deadsoul]

I realize now closure has to come from me. Looking to get that from OM is not going to happen, nor should it. He is not my problem. What I did to my BH is my problem. That's where I have to put my focus. I think I thought that getting closure would help me get over those feelings I don't want. It won't. Truly I didn't want any reaction from him. I just needed to say those things to him. I thought it would help, but it didn't. Now I know to just go the other way.

 

This need that some folks have about "closure" is a very dangerous game. it can go so badly so quickly. What is it that that is being sought after? An apology? Admission of guilt? Admission of love. One last goodbye kiss?

Seems like the A closed when he ghosted you, but you wanted to get the last word in.

Like "You can't fire me you sonofabitch! I quit!

 

Have you shown such emotion like wanting to "shout from the rooftops that you don't want the OM" to your H about getting to R?

 

FWIW you dodged a bullet as the encounter could have gone sideways very fast...but you probably should have mumbled "theres's that sob" and kept driving.

 

How did Mr Deadsoul react?

[deadsoul]

Snap! Me and my wife are exactly the same, particularly me! Communication is the key to so much, and I used to suck at it. I'm really tring to improve on that front!

 

 

 

Thank you too for your replies and your honest posts. It's not easy to admit that you have faults and that you were selfish and wrong and are now confused. But you do - and you don't hide behind excuses. You will get there.

 

I recognise so much of you in me - it's just that I am several months further down the line than you. It gets better. Just keep doing the right things and treating your BS like your Prince, show him love at every opportunity. Make it as hard as possible for him to shoose the D route. I was lucky and got another chance - I have my fingers crossed for you too!

 

I hope so and I hope that I get that chance. I'm realizing now that all of this will take time and my future actions need to be much better than my past ones.

[jenkins95]

Yes, the drug addict analogy that SS has used is excellent, comparing heroin addicts to APs.

 

The recovering heroin addict on day 1 is desperate for his drug, but he hates the fact that he has this addiction and desperately wants to beat it. He hates and yet craves the object of his addiction every minute. If he is strong and resists, each day gets a little easier.

 

The successful recovering heroin addict in year 10 has broken his dependency for his drug completely and never thinks of it any more except with regret and disgust. BUT - he only has to slip up once at any time in the future and he's right back to square one again.

 

As former cheaters, we know we are capable of it and have even followed it through with shameful, selfish action. We therefore have to guard ourselves every day of our lives from now on, even when we are completely over any feelings for the AP. We have to recognise that we have a character flaw/weakness that we need to keep locked away in a box forever more

[deadsoul]

Yes, the drug addict analogy that SS has used is excellent, comparing heroin addicts to APs.

 

The recovering heroin addict on day 1 is desperate for his drug, but he hates the fact that he has this addiction and desperately wants to beat it. He hates and yet craves the object of his addiction every minute. If he is strong and resists, each day gets a little easier.

 

The successful recovering heroin addict in year 10 has broken his dependency for his drug completely and never thinks of it any more except with regret and disgust. BUT - he only has to slip up once at any time in the future and he's right back to square one again.

 

As former cheaters, we know we are capable of it and have even followed it through with shameful, selfish action. We therefore have to guard ourselves every day of our lives from now on, even when we are completely over any feelings for the AP. We have to recognise that we have a character flaw/weakness that we need to keep locked away in a box forever more

 

This is exactly how I feel. Exactly. I have to constantly be on vigilance so I do not do this again.

[drifter777]

Ever since you showed your husband this thread your posts are tainted. They are part of your attempt to manipulate your BH whether you intend it or not.

[deadsoul]

Ever since you showed your husband this thread your posts are tainted. They are part of your attempt to manipulate your BH whether you intend it or not.

 

Seriously? I give up. I'm sitting here pouring out my innards, admitting that I'm dealing with feelings for OM and now my posts are tainted because BH reads them.

 

I just don't know what to say to this other than you're entitled to your opinion.

[harrybrown]

His opinion, my opinions do not matter.

 

Your opinions and your Husbands opinions matter.

 

Good luck to your H. He is a much better man than the OM could ever be.

[drifter777]

 

I've never done heroin, but I imagine heroin addicts don't want that next hit, but they want that high. And in recovery, I imagine they have to come to terms with their choices being selfish and hurting the ones they love. But even when 100% clean, I imagine they still deal with cravings. But that doesn't mean they want it or will go do it. I feel the same way. I'm dealing with cravings. But I don't want OM. I did something yesterday that I thought would help me move past it. It just hurt my BH. That feels worse than dealing with my feelings

 

Actually heroin addicts need the whole experience. They become addicted to the life - looking to score the dope, the needle, trading drug stories with other addicts...the whole thing. I think comparing a heroin addict to an affair is a good analogy because from everything I read from WW's it's about the entire experience. Even the ONS is more than just PiV....