I confessed

[jenkins95]

I do not love or want to be with OM. My actions yesterday seem to say otherwise. I did not confess to BH so he would pull the trigger. I was wrong to say I don't think I could R if the shoe was on the other foot because to be honest, I don't know what I would do.

 

One thing the whole fiasco yesterday made me realize is that I was still focusing on a stupid rejection from a person I thought was my friend. I was basing my self-worth on that rejection. When I saw him yesterday, something inside me just snapped. I didn't want him to be sorry and had he been? I don't believe that would've changed anything. I just needed to say the things I said.

 

Maybe I wasn't 100% in on R when I confessed. But my actions yesterday made me realize that yes, I need a lot more work on healing myself because I love my BH. And the talking we did yesterday was more than we've done in years. I came right home and told him about it. Not so he would file. But because I realized I had been dwelling on something stupid. And I really saw the distorted thoughts I had.

 

I'm not responding to individual posts because I'm emotionally drained. I have read each one carefully though and am giving thought to all of it, whether I agree or not. But I feel like yesterday was a huge turning point and wake up call for me. One I desperately needed.

 

I will say it again: yesterday I realized a lot of things. But the main one is I am now 100% in on my BH. I don't expect anyone to believe that. My track record sucks. But my actions from here on out will say it all.

 

(((deadsoul)))

 

I am very impressed by your words in this thread and I think you are doing very well indeed given the circumstances. Confessing like you did showed a huge amount of courage and demonstrates that you are committed to doing things right. You also accept 100% ownership of your mistakes and do not hide behind excuses. Kudos to you.

 

We (I say we, because I am a former cheater too) will get bashed by some posters whatever we do or say and that is perfectly understandable. To many BS posters we represent the person that once shattered their lives and so it is completely understandable and right that our own posts will be met with a tough approach, suspicion and scrutiny. It is another welcome reminder of the damage we have done. You have met criticism with humility, dignity and acceptance - even more kudos.

 

I agree with what Quiet Storms and Life Lessons are saying - you are doing brilliantly. Keep it up and I dearly hope there is a chance to save your marriage.

 

I also wanted to tell you not to beat yourself up over the encounter you had with OM. Suddenly he was there, your emotions are all over the place, and you reacted. I know you now wished that you'd handled it differently - but I think you did very well and had honourable intentions. Telling BH must have been very tough - but once again, you were strong. Very well done.

 

As recovering waywards, we so want to move on, do the right thing and make up for our mistakes...and we can. Unfortunately, we can't reprogram our brain to immediately banish all thought or emotion for the AP and to get our thoughts coherent and lucid. It takes time - our heads (as well as our marriages and lives in general) are like a bomb site for quite a while. You will inevitably have moments where you miss the OM a lot, and this may go on for months, however much you want to banish him from your head and give 100% to your marriage. You may even have niggling doubts about your marriage from time to time too. Just know that this is normal for people who have made the type of mistakes that we have. It is part of our burden to live with and deal with these unwelcome thoughts while at the same time giving 100% to our marriages and putting our BS's needs absolutely before ours. I have no doubt that you will do this. Time does heal, as long as you do the right things with that time - and I have no doubt that you are doing everything you can.

 

I find that my emotions move in cycles. I may have a few bad days, then some 'normal' days, then a stretch of really good days when I feel quite good and allow myself to think that I may be finally past it......then the clouds descend again. In time, the better days outnumber the good days. At over a year past the end of my A, I now have lots of good days and the bad days tend to be bad in a 'good' way, if that makes sense i.e. I am wracked with remorse and self-reflection, as opposed to pining for the AP (I have to admit, I did do this a bit in the early months afterwards).

 

I wish you nothing but the best, deadsoul. Keep posting. You did a bad thing, but deep down you are one of the good guys and this experience can make you into an even better person.

Edited March 27, 2017 by jenkins95

[understand50]

I do not love or want to be with OM. My actions yesterday seem to say otherwise. I did not confess to BH so he would pull the trigger. I was wrong to say I don't think I could R if the shoe was on the other foot because to be honest, I don't know what I would do.

 

One thing the whole fiasco yesterday made me realize is that I was still focusing on a stupid rejection from a person I thought was my friend. I was basing my self-worth on that rejection. When I saw him yesterday, something inside me just snapped. I didn't want him to be sorry and had he been? I don't believe that would've changed anything. I just needed to say the things I said.

 

Maybe I wasn't 100% in on R when I confessed. But my actions yesterday made me realize that yes, I need a lot more work on healing myself because I love my BH. And the talking we did yesterday was more than we've done in years. I came right home and told him about it. Not so he would file. But because I realized I had been dwelling on something stupid. And I really saw the distorted thoughts I had.

 

I'm not responding to individual posts because I'm emotionally drained. I have read each one carefully though and am giving thought to all of it, whether I agree or not. But I feel like yesterday was a huge turning point and wake up call for me. One I desperately needed.

 

I will say it again: yesterday I realized a lot of things. But the main one is I am now 100% in on my BH. I don't expect anyone to believe that. My track record sucks. But my actions from here on out will say it all.

 

Deadsoul,

 

We tend to give hard and fast rules, and not give "real" life a chance. What you did was "real" life. I would not beat yourself up on it. You only question should be, "Did this help or hurt my reconciliation?" At first blush, maybe not, but I think in the end it may be a plus. It does demonstrate to your husband, how you are going to react to your AP, and while it is best to keep NC, sometimes you can't. For any insights you get on yourself, well if it helps you. I feel from reading you that you are "Dead" inside, or feel as such. Having anger, and lashing out, at least gives you emotion. I would prepare for a rush to come over you now, or if it is, work to keep it in perspective. The realization of just what you have done and the pain and hurt you have caused, will be great.

 

I think this is a good thing, but use it to help you understand remorse, and redouble your efforts towards reconciliation. You are not in control, as it is up to your husband if he will give you a second chance, but knowing the depth of what is needed and committing yourself to it is good. Use this to help yourself, and do not lose sight of what you are trying to do. Myself, I think you are doing the right things.

 

I wish you luck.......

[deadsoul]

I honestly think the reason you were so emotional was because you miss him and still have feelings and deep down you still didn't want the affair to end, and you are upset with him for ending it. Honestly, from the hints in your posts it seems like you most likely gave this guy every single thing he wanted sexually with no regards for your husband, you probably did things with him that you never did with your husband, and enjoyed sex with him more than you did with your husband which may be the reason you are so emotionally attached to him.

 

I need to address this one. I did want the A to end. I had ended it... just ended up back in it again. I did not give this guy every thing he wanted sexually. I did not enjoy sex with him more.

 

Somewhere in this thread there is a post about affair sex being new, exciting and different. But it doesn't last and it isn't about love.

 

Marriage sex may seem "boring" in comparison because, as it was said in that post, there is real life and period panties and such.

 

Here's my comment on this without getting too personal: I had needs and I made the mistake of not communicating with my husband better. Now I am doing those things. And he is doing those things too.

[DKT3]

lt sounds like O.M. was on foot. Was this near his place of residence or where he likes to hang out? Were you looking for him? Have you been trying to stalk him since he ghosted you?

 

This is actually a really good point. I hope she just over looked it and it wasn't one of the questions she said she wouldn't answer individually​.

[deadsoul]

Deadsoul,

 

We tend to give hard and fast rules, and not give "real" life a chance. What you did was "real" life. I would not beat yourself up on it. You only question should be, "Did this help or hurt my reconciliation?" At first blush, maybe not, but I think in the end it may be a plus. It does demonstrate to your husband, how you are going to react to your AP, and while it is best to keep NC, sometimes you can't. For any insights you get on yourself, well if it helps you. I feel from reading you that you are "Dead" inside, or feel as such. Having anger, and lashing out, at least gives you emotion. I would prepare for a rush to come over you now, or if it is, work to keep it in perspective. The realization of just what you have done and the pain and hurt you have caused, will be great.

 

I think this is a good thing, but use it to help you understand remorse, and redouble your efforts towards reconciliation. You are not in control, as it is up to your husband if he will give you a second chance, but knowing the depth of what is needed and committing yourself to it is good. Use this to help yourself, and do not lose sight of what you are trying to do. Myself, I think you are doing the right things.

 

I wish you luck.......

 

 

Thank you for this. I did react. Badly. And I am using this to redouble my efforts toward R.

[deadsoul]

This is actually a really good point. I hope she just over looked it and it wasn't one of the questions she said she wouldn't answer individually​.

 

No. I was not stalking him. He was parked somewhere and I happened to be driving by. Pure coincidence. I saw him walking to his car. We live in the same neighborhood and it wasn't near either of our houses. I'm actually surprised it hasn't happened sooner and I should've been better prepared for it, as people had posted here about it. I have taken many steps to avoid anywhere he may be. But this was pure surprise to me, which is why I reacted the way I did.

[deadsoul]

Let's look at the risk of closing this as you desire.

Intimate one on one talk with O.M.

You where/are the pursuer.

You where dumped/ghosted.

If he choses to let you spend time with him to talk, he has all the power.

If you two talk... with your history and the nature of your past relationship, you are immediately at risk for full relapse.

 

exactly. I don't want that.

Depending on his mood, the relationship will immediately....with... probable token resistance, go any directions he wants.

Perhaps he might be in the mood to test your limits.

What sort of limits do you have with him?

From all hinted indication, next to none. Maybe after your last bit of dignity and self respect collapses, what ever past limits you had with him would probable evaporate.

Let's take a look at this latest encounter/confrontation.

Calling him a coward, challenging his manhood?

Given your history, do you really want to put him to the test to see if he will try to prove his manhood to you?

No. At the time, I was reacting to my own anger and hurt about how it ended. But what I really did was give him power I don't want him to have. Now he knows he can still affect me. So I didn't win in confronting him.

 

Where you interested in reaching some sort of negotiated relationship ending.

Looking for one or two or three or..... departing endearing romantic good bye dates and sexual encounters?

No. See above. It was about my anger and hurt. Seems really stupid now. But there it is.

 

Are you still really wanting to try to talk him out of ending the relationship with you? Hoping that he will reconsider?

You say otherwise. But... really....just... really think about this.... if you didn't care, you would have been able to and would have wanted to ignore him.... avoid any contact with him.

Exactly. Why did I care? Why did I care what this person thought about me? Why did I base my self worth that I must be nothing because some jerk dumped me? Why wasn't I more concerned with how my H thought of me instead?

That's what yesterday made me realize. And that's hard to look at, but again, there it is.

The first concern/thought should be what would your husband want you to do in that situation. You say you love your husband and you want to repair/recover/restore your marriage. How does this help your husband to heal, help restore your husbands trust, help to restore your husbands desire for you, help restore your trust in yourself, help to restore your marriage?

 

Here I was being selfish again. I thought I was helping myself. I thought by confronting him I could finally let it all go, all the anger and hurt I had been feeling. Guess what? It hurt the person I love more. This does not help my H at all. I feel like, in a way, I got into the A all over again through that one little interaction. And it feels ugly and horrible.

 

Was this the act of a loving trustworthy wife and mother, or the act of an angry hurt spurned lover?

 

It was an act of a hurt spurned lover.

Any contact with the other man, you risk returning to a full blown wild sex love affair relationship with him.

Is that what you want?

 

No. I do not want that at all. And yesterday truly made me realize that. It hurts that I had an A. It hurts that THAT was the person I did it with. What does that say about me as a person? It says I'm as much of a POS as he is. This is not to try to get sympathy or pity. I don't want any. But THAT was the person I chose to destroy my whole family over. That was my big realization yesterday too. THAT was the person I had these leftover feelings for. It feels so ugly. So ugly.

[deadsoul]

I'm starting to think that your confession was an attempt to force your husband to end the marriage. Well actually I've thought that since you started posting because of the way you continued to comment about how you would not were the roles reversed. It seems to me that you had an expectation that he would end things prior to your confession​. The more I read the more I'm convinced you simply want husband to pull the plug.

 

I have considered this and considered it hard. Maybe there was some truth to this at the time. But not now. I did think it would be over. But when I told him, I realized how much I wanted to fight.

 

As.for.OM, I don't think that was about closure, I think it was subconsciously an attempt to have him make a different choice, to reverse direction. You then run right home and again confess. Yes the right thing to do, but in light of your comments before that, again seems to be an attempt to get husband to pull the plug.

 

at the time, honestly, it was anger and I just snapped. I don't want him to make a different choice. And my thoughts were not even of my husband pulling the plug. My thoughts were, this is the first person I want to tell because something hurt me and I reacted badly to a situation. I don't think those reasons are any better than an attempt to get hubby to pull the plug. I do not want to be with OM. My actions yesterday seem to say otherwise. But my actions yesterday showed me that girl I do not want to be. I want to be the girl worthy of my husband. That's who I want to be.

 

Now, I'm not sure what's behind that desire, maybe you feel he deserves better, maybe you just really want to be free so that I'm will see you as single and change his mind, maybe you just don't want to be married anymore. Don't know, I do know your not committed to R or your marriage. No need in beating about the bush on that. It's almost like your packing you're bags in the hope that it will convince him to throw in the towel, while you half heartedly says in a whisper I want to stay, I want it to.work.

 

I do feel he deserves better. I don't want to be with OM. Even if things don't work out with H, I do not want to be with OM. That was not a relationship. That was not a future. I can see how you think this and I'm thinking long and hard about it. But I keep coming back to my H deserves so much better than me. Again, not a pity party cry so don't give me sympathy and say I'm worthy. Because I'm not.

Maybe it's fear, maybe in all of this you know he will decide to walk, and that is what you're protecting. My wife said she always knew I would divorce her even though she somehow convinced herself I wouldn't. I do that think she opened up to me just to not expose anymore in part because she knew it was ending anyway. Oddly it was once she was holding the divorce papers that she finally because transparent.

 

Keep coming at me with the hard comments. I deserve them all. It makes me think. It makes me really think. And hopefully I will start doing that before I act in the future.

[DKT3]

No. I was not stalking him. He was parked somewhere and I happened to be driving by. Pure coincidence. I saw him walking to his car. We live in the same neighborhood and it wasn't near either of our houses. I'm actually surprised it hasn't happened sooner and I should've been better prepared for it, as people had posted here about it. I have taken many steps to avoid anywhere he may be. But this was pure surprise to me, which is why I reacted the way I did.

 

I don't want you to feel I'm against you, I'm not. In fact, in my opinion you are one of the few WW's I've seen here that I haven't thought "oh man that train is full steam ahead and that wall is really close" What I mean is you genuinely seem to be looking to do right by your husband. But I also stand by my opinion that in part it's to force your husband to make the decision. Maybe this was a turning point, maybe it finally killed the hope I'm sure you still had of having something from OM even if it was to reverse his rejection of you. Calling him a coward is actually pretty telling, and that wasn't just some random comment. It's a sign that you had greater expectation gone unfulfilled. Maybe that's something you need to explore. Because now, finally NOW your words sound committed to your marriage.

[Owl6118]

DS, the best thoughts I have for you right now I have you long ago, in the beginning of your thread.

 

"Selfishness, I am arguing, is also a form of self-love, albeit a sick one. Remeber, I like to define love as an action, not not a feeling. Is your empathy directed outward,, to others, and do you actions follow through, in the form of kindness and compassion? Or is your empathy directed inwards, to your hurts, your resentments, so that your actions flow towards soothing your pain above others', or at the cost of others' hurt? That's what I meant by self-love. Your actions show where you are investing your empathy, and your love."

 

Yesterday your empathy was for yourself. It is unfortunate you had to touch the stove again to see it. But sometimes that is what it takes. If we learned these lessons easily we would not be here in the first place. The hard part is, others pay a price for our tuition.

[deadsoul]

(((deadsoul)))

 

I am very impressed by your words in this thread and I think you are doing very well indeed given the circumstances. Confessing like you did showed a huge amount of courage and demonstrates that you are committed to doing things right. You also accept 100% ownership of your mistakes and do not hide behind excuses. Kudos to you.

Thank you for your kind words. I don't feel I deserve them, but thank you.

 

We (I say we, because I am a former cheater too) will get bashed by some posters whatever we do or say and that is perfectly understandable. To many BS posters we represent the person that once shattered their lives and so it is completely understandable and right that our own posts will be met with a tough approach, suspicion and scrutiny. It is another welcome reminder of the damage we have done. You have met criticism with humility, dignity and acceptance - even more kudos.

 

I agree with what Quiet Storms and Life Lessons are saying - you are doing brilliantly. Keep it up and I dearly hope there is a chance to save your marriage.

 

I also wanted to tell you not to beat yourself up over the encounter you had with OM. Suddenly he was there, your emotions are all over the place, and you reacted. I know you now wished that you'd handled it differently - but I think you did very well and had honourable intentions. Telling BH must have been very tough - but once again, you were strong. Very well done.

 

As recovering waywards, we so want to move on, do the right thing and make up for our mistakes...and we can. Unfortunately, we can't reprogram our brain to immediately banish all thought or emotion for the AP and to get our thoughts coherent and lucid. It takes time - our heads (as well as our marriages and lives in general) are like a bomb site for quite a while. You will inevitably have moments where you miss the OM a lot, and this may go on for months, however much you want to banish him from your head and give 100% to your marriage. You may even have niggling doubts about your marriage from time to time too. Just know that this is normal for people who have made the type of mistakes that we have. It is part of our burden to live with and deal with these unwelcome thoughts while at the same time giving 100% to our marriages and putting our BS's needs absolutely before ours. I have no doubt that you will do this. Time does heal, as long as you do the right things with that time - and I have no doubt that you are doing everything you can.

 

 

This exactly. I thought that having these feelings meant i wasn't all in on R. I don't want OM. I don't even want him in my head. And it isn't fair to H if I have those thoughts. Maybe that's why I couldn't give 100%. I still had those thoughts and it felt like I was still lying. But telling BH I had those thoughts just hurt him more. That's where my confusion was. I have said it over and over: I do not want OM. I don't want to think about him. I don't want to have any feelings for him. But yesterday, after I reacted the way I did, I realized I still did. And when I saw how much that hurt my BH, it finally hit me that I have to 100% let that go. And I want to. More than anything.

 

I find that my emotions move in cycles. I may have a few bad days, then some 'normal' days, then a stretch of really good days when I feel quite good and allow myself to think that I may be finally past it......then the clouds descend again. In time, the better days outnumber the good days. At over a year past the end of my A, I now have lots of good days and the bad days tend to be bad in a 'good' way, if that makes sense i.e. I am wracked with remorse and self-reflection, as opposed to pining for the AP (I have to admit, I did do this a bit in the early months afterwards).

 

Does your wife know that you sometimes had those feelings? How can you tell her that when that would hurt? How can we be 100% remorseful if those feelings sneak in sometimes? Those are the things I'm grappling with.

 

I wish you nothing but the best, deadsoul. Keep posting. You did a bad thing, but deep down you are one of the good guys and this experience can make you into an even better person.

 

Your post really touched me, thank you. I guess it's because you've been through it and understand. At the same time, you are making me look at some tough things and I need that too.

[deadsoul]

DS, the best thoughts I have for you right now I have you long ago, in the beginning of your thread.

 

"Selfishness, I am arguing, is also a form of self-love, albeit a sick one. Remeber, I like to define love as an action, not not a feeling. Is your empathy directed outward,, to others, and do you actions follow through, in the form of kindness and compassion? Or is your empathy directed inwards, to your hurts, your resentments, so that your actions flow towards soothing your pain above others', or at the cost of others' hurt? That's what I meant by self-love. Your actions show where you are investing your empathy, and your love."

 

Yesterday your empathy was for yourself. It is unfortunate you had to touch the stove again to see it. But sometimes that is what it takes. If we learned these lessons easily we would not be here in the first place. The hard part is, others pay a price for our tuition.

 

You are exactly right. And it hurts that I did that. Again.

[deadsoul]

I don't want you to feel I'm against you, I'm not. In fact, in my opinion you are one of the few WW's I've seen here that I haven't thought "oh man that train is full steam ahead and that wall is really close" What I mean is you genuinely seem to be looking to do right by your husband. But I also stand by my opinion that in part it's to force your husband to make the decision. Maybe this was a turning point, maybe it finally killed the hope I'm sure you still had of having something from OM even if it was to reverse his rejection of you. Calling him a coward is actually pretty telling, and that wasn't just some random comment. It's a sign that you had greater expectation gone unfulfilled. Maybe that's something you need to explore. Because now, finally NOW your words sound committed to your marriage.

 

I don't feel you are against me. I think you are making me look hard at my actions versus my words. And I think that's important.

 

I don't want anything from OM. I know that. I was being selfish and reacting to my own hurt. And yesterday, it seems it all truly hit me, in a way maybe it hadn't before. I kinda thought the confessing would do that, but maybe it didn't. I almost think this was the bottoming out I needed so I can start to fully rebuild.

[jenkins95]

Your post really touched me, thank you. I guess it's because you've been through it and understand. At the same time, you are making me look at some tough things and I need that too.

 

Thank you too deadsoul, for the reply. Once again, I am very impressed at what you write and that you take the time to address and reply to every post.

 

Does your wife know that you sometimes had those feelings? How can you tell her that when that would hurt? How can we be 100% remorseful if those feelings sneak in sometimes? Those are the things I'm grappling with.

 

If I ever felt myself pining or missing the OW, I did not tell my wife explicitly. It was most unwelcome to me and led to a lot of self-hatred and frustration which I had to deal with internally, but it is inevitable that we will have these thoughts, especially if there was an emotional element to the A. However wrong it was, we bonded with another person and this cannot simply be switched off. I eventually trained myself how to deal with and then stop these thoughts the moment I started to sense them coming. I'll be honest - I COULD think about the AP even now if I wanted, and let's face it, we will never truly forget our APs because they were central to a major event in our lives, but I have learned to be disciplined and deal with these damaging, disrespectful trails of thought appropriately.

 

In general, whilst honesty has to be the best policy going forward, I feel there is a line beyond which too much detail can only cause harm - such as very explicit sexual details or voicing lingering feelings for the AP. Let's face it, the BS will already have lots of very unwelcome "mind movies" in their head. I see no possible benefit in adding colour and reality to those mind movies. My wife would often find me sitting quiet and reflective and would ask what specifically I was thinking of. I would usually just explain that I was in deep remorse about everything concerning the affair and that my head was in a mess, that I was so sorry that people got hurt and would do anything to undo it. When I say "everything concerning the affair" that of course includes lingering feelings for the AP and also nagging doubts that the marriage could ever work after this. But I never actually voiced that specifically - I feel it would have been cruel and helped in no way whatsoever. I think most BS probably know at some level that these thoughts will occasionally play out in the WS's mind on some level because we are just human beings at the end of the day and our heads are just as messed up as theirs - the difference being of course that in our (wayward) case, it is 100% self-inflicted.

 

Do not beat yourself up if you have intrusive thoughts of the AP. You are not alone and it does not mean that you are insincere in your desire for R. You are dealing with an inevitable hangover of the A which you now deeply regret. Learn to deal with these thoughts in a way that works for you. Remember that all waywards, unless they are psychopaths, need to do the same – and we owe it to our BS and ourselves to do it properly – this may require counselling. If we were able to flick a switch to banish all thoughts of the AP, we would be robots. Instead we have to actively work on dealing with the mess in our heads as efficiently and respectfully as possible. We got ourselves into this mess and created a bond that was based on a selfish fantasy and should never have been created in the first place. But it WAS created, and it needs to be dealt with. Just beating oneself up about it is not enough, we need to process it, grieve if necessary (and I understand why that would make may BS want to reach for the sick bag), and work through it before we can really put it behind us. To just ignore it will delay our recovery. I found these articles quite helpful and enlightening on this subject. I hope they may be of use to you too.

 

https://www.affairrecovery.com/survivors/samuel/are-they-thinking-about-their-affair-partner

 

https://affairadvice.wordpress.com/2012/08/20/why-cant-i-get-over-my-affair-partner/

 

Keep posting deadsoul and take care.

[deadsoul]

Thank you too deadsoul, for the reply. Once again, I am very impressed at what you write and that you take the time to address and reply to every post.

 

 

 

If I ever felt myself pining or missing the OW, I did not tell my wife explicitly. It was most unwelcome to me and led to a lot of self-hatred and frustration which I had to deal with internally, but it is inevitable that we will have these thoughts, especially if there was an emotional element to the A. However wrong it was, we bonded with another person and this cannot simply be switched off. I eventually trained myself how to deal with and then stop these thoughts the moment I started to sense them coming. I'll be honest - I COULD think about the AP even now if I wanted, and let's face it, we will never truly forget our APs because they were central to a major event in our lives, but I have learned to be disciplined and deal with these damaging, disrespectful trails of thought appropriately.

 

 

This is where I want to be.

In general, whilst honesty has to be the best policy going forward, I feel there is a line beyond which too much detail can only cause harm - such as very explicit sexual details or voicing lingering feelings for the AP. Let's face it, the BS will already have lots of very unwelcome "mind movies" in their head. I see no possible benefit in adding colour and reality to those mind movies. My wife would often find me sitting quiet and reflective and would ask what specifically I was thinking of. I would usually just explain that I was in deep remorse about everything concerning the affair and that my head was in a mess, that I was so sorry that people got hurt and would do anything to undo it. When I say "everything concerning the affair" that of course includes lingering feelings for the AP and also nagging doubts that the marriage could ever work after this. But I never actually voiced that specifically - I feel it would have been cruel and helped in no way whatsoever. I think most BS probably know at some level that these thoughts will occasionally play out in the WS's mind on some level because we are just human beings at the end of the day and our heads are just as messed up as theirs - the difference being of course that in our (wayward) case, it is 100% self-inflicted.

 

It felt like a lie to me that I still had these feelings. Maybe that's why I came across as detached to everyone: I still felt like a liar inside because I had these feelings. And maybe I still have them, I hope not. I don't want them.

 

Do not beat yourself up if you have intrusive thoughts of the AP. You are not alone and it does not mean that you are insincere in your desire for R.

 

I truly thought that's what it meant...

You are dealing with an inevitable hangover of the A which you now deeply regret. Learn to deal with these thoughts in a way that works for you. Remember that all waywards, unless they are psychopaths, need to do the same – and we owe it to our BS and ourselves to do it properly – this may require counselling. If we were able to flick a switch to banish all thoughts of the AP, we would be robots.

 

I'm over emotional. That's my problem. I feel too much. i cry when I'm angry and mad more than when I'm sad. And yesterday I was angry and mad.

 

 

Instead we have to actively work on dealing with the mess in our heads as efficiently and respectfully as possible. We got ourselves into this mess and created a bond that was based on a selfish fantasy and should never have been created in the first place. But it WAS created, and it needs to be dealt with. Just beating oneself up about it is not enough, we need to process it, grieve if necessary (and I understand why that would make may BS want to reach for the sick bag), and work through it before we can really put it behind us. To just ignore it will delay our recovery. I found these articles quite helpful and enlightening on this subject. I hope they may be of use to you too.

 

I really think I was trying to ignore it. And yesterday made me realize that. I do have to process and grieve it. But not at BH's expense. He comes first.

 

https://www.affairrecovery.com/survivors/samuel/are-they-thinking-about-their-affair-partner

 

https://affairadvice.wordpress.com/2012/08/20/why-cant-i-get-over-my-affair-partner/

 

These articles were really helpful to me, thank you.

 

Keep posting deadsoul and take care.

 

Thanks again Jenkins. You've said the words I've needed to hear. Everyone else did too, but the bottom line is I thought, "How can I be 100% in recovery if I'm having all these unwanted thoughts about OM?"

 

And maybe BH won't be able to deal with the fact that I have those. But I realized yesterday they were there and I have just been pushing them aside. But expressing myself yesterday and then telling BH yesterday helped me let a lot of it go. The problem is, it was selfish and hurt BH more.

 

I want to be with my husband. I do not want OM. Even if my husband decides D is best, I still do not want OM. I do not want anyone else but H, if he will have me.

 

Betrayed spouses do not want to know that we have those thoughts. They are selfish (the thoughts, not the BS). I completely agree with them... it is part of the selfish that led us to stray to begin with. I can't change my bad behaviors overnight. But please know that I want to. I want to be a better person. I'm actively working on that and yesterday was a huge step backwards for me. But it's done and now I'm going to learn from it and move forward. It's all I can do.

[jenkins95]

(((deadsoul)))

 

R is a very tough road for both BS and WS. It is particularly cruel when a WS enters R insincerely or half-heartedly, but you do not fit into that category. Of all the WS posts and articles i have read here and all over the internet (and I've probably read 1000s), I think you stand out as being the most accountable, remorseful one and i am 100% sure you are all in. You can do it.

 

What's done is done and we cannot change the past. Also, try not to dwell too much on the future. Take care of the now... And that will take care of the future. Look after yourself, get counseling (including LS), show your husband you love him at every available opportunity. Also, try to do some kind of hobby or distraction (ideally with H) for relief sometimes because constantly living in the devastation and shadow of an affair is exhausting and all-consuming. I found that swimming was a good way to get fit and also provided me space to process my thoughts as i put in the lengths. Try not to go down the route of self hate. This will delay recovery. Try to be positive and resolute. You made mistakes but you are determined to put it right. Keep on doing what you're doing!

 

The CR*p in your head is inevitable I'm afraid because you are a human being - an animal, and we can't just flick switches. Like your H, my wife would have been horrified to know there were lingering thoughts for the OW. I was just as horrified as you that they were still there and worked tirelessly to process them. It's worth it. When you finally get some mental relief and clarity, and you will, it will feel like Christmas does to a five year old. Imagine being able to go to bed at night with a clear head and sleep interrupted, free from the constant demons (they may still be there, but they won't constantly bombard you and you will learn to push them away). I bet you haven't done that for a while? But that is accessible for you and your H if you just stick to this and commit 100% to R (as you are).

 

Good luck and keep us updated!

[DKT3]

Thanks again Jenkins. You've said the words I've needed to hear. Everyone else did too, but the bottom line is I thought, "How can I be 100% in recovery if I'm having all these unwanted thoughts about OM?"

 

And maybe BH won't be able to deal with the fact that I have those. But I realized yesterday they were there and I have just been pushing them aside. But expressing myself yesterday and then telling BH yesterday helped me let a lot of it go. The problem is, it was selfish and hurt BH more.

 

I want to be with my husband. I do not want OM. Even if my husband decides D is best, I still do not want OM. I do not want anyone else but H, if he will have me.

 

Betrayed spouses do not want to know that we have those thoughts. They are selfish (the thoughts, not the BS). I completely agree with them... it is part of the selfish that led us to stray to begin with. I can't change my bad behaviors overnight. But please know that I want to. I want to be a better person. I'm actively working on that and yesterday was a huge step backwards for me. But it's done and now I'm going to learn from it and move forward. It's all I can do.

I disagree, I do believe that BS's want honesty​ from the wayward spouses.

 

I had people here ask me why I think or act like my wife is a measuring stick to judge other WW. First off I don't, along our journey she made alot of mistakes, but once she became truly honest with me about her feelings good and bad I felt like it was her saying this is who I am, I deserve to be loved for exactly who I am. I believe that takes a great deal of courage because it runs the risk of being rejected. Which is the reason she hide parts of herself from me since she was 16. I grew to understand the trust that it showed she had in me. She said here I am love me or walk. Now I know exactly who this woman is, I know she has my best interest by allowing me to truly know her.

[QuietDan]

I disagree, I do believe that BS's want honesty​ from the wayward spouses.

 

I had people here ask me why I think or act like my wife is a measuring stick to judge other WW. First off I don't, along our journey she made alot of mistakes, but once she became truly honest with me about her feelings good and bad I felt like it was her saying this is who I am, I deserve to be loved for exactly who I am. I believe that takes a great deal of courage because it runs the risk of being rejected. Which is the reason she hide parts of herself from me since she was 16. I grew to understand the trust that it showed she had in me. She said here I am love me or walk. Now I know exactly who this woman is, I know she has my best interest by allowing me to truly know her.

Yah. Agree with this. I have noticed that a major part of the energy, enticement, and excitement that is expressed about having an affair has been described as taking the chance and being in a relationship were it is felt that they can be completely take it or leave it honest about who they are and what they want. Taking risks and expecting demanding that the affair partner is also being unfiltered honest. So, they take risks and try new things ir once presumed taboo's. When they discovered that this type of relationship has alot to offer they get hooked on the wild exciting experience.

If only, they had opened up and learned to be honest and take the risks with their spouse.

[jenkins95]

.....they get hooked on the wild exciting experience.

If only, they had opened up and learned to be honest and take the risks with their spouse.

 

Excellent point. One thing my A has taught me is to be more authentic and not just do what's expected of me (I'm not just talking sexually, I'm talking life in general). If i don't want to do something i should say that rather than just doing it to keep the peace. Equally if there is something i really want to do, i should fight for it rather than just giving in at the first hurdle. This attitude has caused me a lot of resentment in the past. I'm sure that being more authentic will improve my marriage......even if it causes a few disagreements and minor arguments sometimes! Indeed, these are normal and can be very healthy.

[Heathen]

I want to be with my husband. I do not want OM. Even if my husband decides D is best, I still do not want OM. I do not want anyone else but H, if he will have me.

I can't change my bad behaviors overnight. But please know that I want to. I want to be a better person. I'm actively working on that and yesterday was a huge step backwards for me. But it's done and now I'm going to learn from it and move forward. It's all I can do.

 

You wrote in bold that you do not want anyone else and you desire to be a better person.

 

A few days ago your H asked you if you would have another affair. You actually thought that was a question. It was not a question. Your H needed you to tell him that you would never have another affair for his healing or to help in his decision to reconcile.

 

From what you wrote, you did not look your BH in the eye and say " I will never have another affair" IMHO, that was a HUGE error ( or maybe it is your truth)

 

The recent activity seems to be a turning point for you. You hurt him again and now you say you are 100% all in.

 

If you are 100% all in, then there is no way you could have another affair. If this is the case then go back to your H and answer the question again.

 

If you can not look your H in the eye after you betrayed him twice ( and yesterday was as betrayal) and tell him unequivocally that you will not have another affair, That you will be honest with him and ask for a divorce BEFORE YOU BETRAY HIM AGAIN, then you are not 100% all in.

 

Please consider this. It would go a long way to help your R, if this is what you truly desire.

Edited March 27, 2017 by Heathen

[jenkins95]

yesterday was as betrayal

 

It is a shame that deadsoul confronted the OM yesterday. She regrets it and immediately told her BH. But to call this a second betrayal is harsh. It was a confrontation in which she told him exactly what she thought of him. It's not like they were behaving like lovers.

 

The BS is right to expect the WS to immediately start doing exactly the right things. The trouble is the WS is messed up too, barely knows right from left and will not get everything right straight away, even when they are full of remorse and desperate to fix things. Clarity doesn't often come immediately unfortunately.

 

I have no doubt that deadsoul wants to do the right thing and is 100% all in, but inevitably is struggling with unwanted demons as her head is all over the place. Her attitude is good and she shows genuine remorse and accountability. She is getting there and I hope she is given another chance. If not, she has already stated that she will accept it without question and without drama.

 

Yes, she has done wrong, but she presents a lot better than many WS and wants to put right her wrongs. Lets get in her corner.

[Heathen]

By her words, it hurt him, so please substitute another word for betrayal, if you feel it is warranted..

 

The post was not about the accidental meeting. It was about looking this man in the eye and promising to never hurt him or her family again.

 

That is being in her corner. I am not hitting her with 2x4s. This time, she hit herself and it appears to have changed something.

 

The OP said the magic words....."I am 100% all in"

 

That is very different from what she has said before. DS, If you want to reconcile, then start reconciling.

 

This is my opinion only and there is no malice intended.

Edited March 27, 2017 by Heathen

[DKT3]

By her words, it hurt him, so please substitute another word for betrayal, if you feel it is warranted..

 

The post was not about the accidental meeting. It was about looking this man in the eye and promise to never hurt him or her family again.

 

That is being in her corner.

 

DS, If you want to reconcile, then start reconciling.

 

This is my opinion only, but I would not consider reconciling with someone who could not give me just a little peace of mind. Is that really so hard?

 

It would be nice, but it was done before and then she cheated. I stand by my opinion that she wants or at least wanted her husband to end the marriage. Maybe she has had a change of mind. Maybe she is just fooling herself I don't know. I do know that words won't bring him peace of mind, only actions will do that. Actions over a long period of time. The words would be nice, but when you're only half there it can be difficult to even give words.

[Heathen]

I agree, but you must start somewhere. IF SHE TRULY FEELS THIS WAY, then it would be a grave mistake to leave "maybe" or I cant say that, just watch my actions" as the answer to his original question. How can you reconcile with that answer?

 

I don't think this was a question. I think her husband desperately needed her to say she would not do this again. . At that time, perhaps she could not.

 

what about now DS? Are you truly 100% all in?

Edited March 27, 2017 by Heathen

[deadsoul]

I agree, but you must start somewhere. IF SHE TRULY FEELS THIS WAY, then it would be a grave mistake to leave "maybe" or I cant say that, just watch my actions" as the answer to his original question. How can you reconcile with that answer?

 

I don't think this was a question. I think her husband desperately needed her to say she would not do this again. . At that time, perhaps she could not.

 

what about now DS? Are you truly 100% all in?

 

Yes. I'm all in. But my actions need to be better than they were yesterday. For sure.