I confessed

[deadsoul]

Deadsoul,

 

Only reply this type of questions, if it helps you and your reconciliation. I think we have gone through, what you should tell your husband on this thread, mostly what he wants to to know, and how much. As for us know the "details" only show what you want, and make sure it helps you. One of the risks in posting is that you can become entertainment. A soap opera, and not get what YOU need from Love Shack. Most are here to help, and while writing about all this can be helpful, keep in mind the fine balance. Give only when you "get" back from us.

 

I wish you luck........

 

Completely agree. I've answered these questions already, as much as I want to answer them here. I completely understand people not wanting to read the entire thread, as it is very long. But yes, I'm not here to be anyone's entertainment. Thanks, as you've been very helpful through all of this.

[Mrs. John Adams]

Cheating is not a mistake

 

I was referring to making mistakes in reconciliation ... not cheating

 

Cheating is a decision... I am well aware but thank you for correcting my "mistake" that was not a mistake

[Cephalopod]

I don't know why I feel compelled to say this:

 

My exWW never attempted to reconcile with me. She was not remorseful, sorry or one bit kerfuffled at the way she had treated me. She flaunted her affairs and thought her behavior was clever and cool.

 

To this day it is not an apology that I want. What I would love to get from her is some acknowledgement that I, at least at one point, had some value as a human being to her, that I wasn't the loser that she made me feel like. I think maybe that is what all betrayed spouses are tormented with...this need to know, from the person who betrayed them, stabbed them in the back, that even during the worst of the affair that we somehow mattered at least to some degree to our wayward spouses.

 

I will never get that comfort because I did not matter to my ex wife. Not one bit. I was just one more guy in a long line of guys, except the only thing different about me was I was the one stupid enough to sign a marriage license.

[Mrs. John Adams]

I don't know why I feel compelled to say this:

 

My exWW never attempted to reconcile with me. She was not remorseful, sorry or one bit kerfuffled at the way she had treated me. She flaunted her affairs and thought her behavior was clever and cool.

 

To this day it is not an apology that I want. What I would love to get from her is some acknowledgement that I, at least at one point, had some value as a human being to her, that I wasn't the loser that she made me feel like. I think maybe that is what all betrayed spouses are tormented with...this need to know, from the person who betrayed them, stabbed them in the back, that even during the worst of the affair that we somehow mattered at least to some degree to our wayward spouses.

 

I will never get that comfort because I did not matter to my ex wife. Not one bit. I was just one more guy in a long line of guys, except the only thing different about me was I was the one stupid enough to sign a marriage license.

 

This made me weep

 

if only every Wayward wife understood this.....what she did to the very soul of her man....to his existence....to who he is....his being.

 

and for each wayward who asks...well what is remorse...ponder this post....take it deep into yourself and analyze it and process it and know what you have done....and that no mater what you do...or how long you try....you can never undo what you have done....and then prostrate yourself before this man you have done this too...and ask him....what can i do for you.

 

I am so sorry Cephalopod....for what she did to you...so very sorry

[BaileyB]

I don't know why I feel compelled to say this:

 

My exWW never attempted to reconcile with me. She was not remorseful, sorry or one bit kerfuffled at the way she had treated me. She flaunted her affairs and thought her behavior was clever and cool.

 

To this day it is not an apology that I want. What I would love to get from her is some acknowledgement that I, at least at one point, had some value as a human being to her, that I wasn't the loser that she made me feel like. I think maybe that is what all betrayed spouses are tormented with...this need to know, from the person who betrayed them, stabbed them in the back, that even during the worst of the affair that we somehow mattered at least to some degree to our wayward spouses.

 

I will never get that comfort because I did not matter to my ex wife. Not one bit. I was just one more guy in a long line of guys, except the only thing different about me was I was the one stupid enough to sign a marriage license.

 

I hope someday, if it hasn't happened already, you will find a woman who will love you the way that you deserve to be loved. I'm sorry for your pain.

[Cephalopod]

This made me weep

 

if only every Wayward wife understood this.....what she did to the very soul of her man....to his existence....to who he is....his being.

 

and for each wayward who asks...well what is remorse...ponder this post....take it deep into yourself and analyze it and process it and know what you have done....and that no mater what you do...or how long you try....you can never undo what you have done....and then prostrate yourself before this man you have done this too...and ask him....what can i do for you.

 

I am so sorry Cephalopod....for what she did to you...so very sorry

 

Oh well I appreciate that, but you are an honorable woman unlike my ex.

 

I wasn't so much trying to elicit sympathy as to just give some insight. The question that nagged me for years was "Why were those other men so much more valuable than me? So much so that I was easily cast to the side and forgotten, even after I had done my best to be a decent husband".

 

Of course, one day I came to an epiphany and realized that I was responsible for my own sense of worth. I learned to value myself and not rely on others to do so. And I think that is a realization that all betrayed spouses, both men and women, must come to if they are ever going to heal.

[deadsoul]

I don't know why I feel compelled to say this:

 

My exWW never attempted to reconcile with me. She was not remorseful, sorry or one bit kerfuffled at the way she had treated me. She flaunted her affairs and thought her behavior was clever and cool.

 

To this day it is not an apology that I want. What I would love to get from her is some acknowledgement that I, at least at one point, had some value as a human being to her, that I wasn't the loser that she made me feel like. I think maybe that is what all betrayed spouses are tormented with...this need to know, from the person who betrayed them, stabbed them in the back, that even during the worst of the affair that we somehow mattered at least to some degree to our wayward spouses.

 

I will never get that comfort because I did not matter to my ex wife. Not one bit. I was just one more guy in a long line of guys, except the only thing different about me was I was the one stupid enough to sign a marriage license.

 

thank you for saying this. I never thought what I did was clever and cool. I never flaunted what I was doing. I don't think that makes me a better person than your ex, but I hope that means there's hope for me.

 

I will say this... from the sound of it, you will never get that you mattered from her. It's really sad, but she must be a miserable person inside if she has absolutely no regret or remorse for her actions. I know that I feel "too much," but the idea of no guilt and no empathy for my bh is beyond my comprehension because I feel guilt by the boat load and I'm learning how to empathize his feelings so that I can truly understand the hurt and pain I've caused.

 

You saying these things matters to me. It helps me understand the great pain (understatement) I've caused my bh with my actions. Thank you. I hope you are in a better place now. I hope to be there some day too.

[deadsoul]

Oh well I appreciate that, but you are an honorable woman unlike my ex.

 

I wasn't so much trying to elicit sympathy as to just give some insight. The question that nagged me for years was "Why were those other men so much more valuable than me? So much so that I was easily cast to the side and forgotten, even after I had done my best to be a decent husband".

 

Of course, one day I came to an epiphany and realized that I was responsible for my own sense of worth. I learned to value myself and not rely on others to do so. And I think that is a realization that all betrayed spouses, both men and women, must come to if they are ever going to heal.

 

I also think that Waywards also need to have the same epiphany. I did what I did because I am unhappy with who I am and felt I needed someone else to "fix" me. I also am working on valuing myself so that I can be with someone else again (hopefully my bh).

[Mrs. John Adams]

Oh well I appreciate that, but you are an honorable woman unlike my ex.

 

I wasn't so much trying to elicit sympathy as to just give some insight. The question that nagged me for years was "Why were those other men so much more valuable than me? So much so that I was easily cast to the side and forgotten, even after I had done my best to be a decent husband".

 

Of course, one day I came to an epiphany and realized that I was responsible for my own sense of worth. I learned to value myself and not rely on others to do so. And I think that is a realization that all betrayed spouses, both men and women, must come to if they are ever going to heal.

 

not so honorable...yet forgiven

 

and what you share is true. While others may validate us ...it is we who must profess our worth

 

My husband is the man he is...in spite of me

[Mr Blunt]

Originally Posted by Cephalopod

Of course, one day I came to an epiphany and realized that I was responsible for my own sense of worth. I learned to value myself and not rely on others to do so. And I think that is a realization that all betrayed spouses, both men and women, must come to if they are ever going to heal.

 

 

 

By Blunt

Cephalopod, how much have you gained in you learning to value yourself?

 

 

I value myself and I learned that I could not depend on my WW to get me to that higher level. I did not do it all by myself I had help from family and friends. I also took action to do some of my “Bucket List”. My wife did help some as she was remorseful and has not betrayed me in the last 20+ years

 

Whatever you need to do to get to a higher level of valuing yourself I hope that you do that. It may not be popular but never allow others to have a big part in valuing yourself.

[Cephalopod]

Originally Posted by Cephalopod

Of course, one day I came to an epiphany and realized that I was responsible for my own sense of worth. I learned to value myself and not rely on others to do so. And I think that is a realization that all betrayed spouses, both men and women, must come to if they are ever going to heal.

 

 

 

By Blunt

Cephalopod, how much have you gained in you learning to value yourself?

 

 

I value myself and I learned that I could not depend on my WW to get me to that higher level. I did not do it all by myself I had help from family and friends. I also took action to do some of my “Bucket List”. My wife did help some as she was remorseful and has not betrayed me in the last 20+ years

 

Whatever you need to do to get to a higher level of valuing yourself I hope that you do that. It may not be popular but never allow others to have a big part in valuing yourself.

 

Well what I gained was illumination. I realized that I did the best I could, and regardless of whether my exWW or others thought it was any good, I could go forward knowing that I did all I could with as much integrity as I could.

 

Self respect, ultimately, is a gift a person gives to his or herself. After much pain and years of soul searching I sort of woke up one day and realized that I was responsible for my own respect, and if no one else gave it to me, the. I would give it to myself. This was magnified to me when my brother killed himself after his WW cheated on him and would not stop. I saw much of myself in him, except he was not as fortunate as I was to have come to the epiphany if his own self worth. He allowed his wife to dictate his worth, and when she threw him away, he simply finished the job for her by inhaling car exhaust.

 

I refuse to give in to despair like my brother did. I hope that Deadsoul's BH comes to a place where he can take his self respect back and make the decisions he needs to be whole and healthy again.

[harrybrown]

DS-

 

Hope you and your husband and family have a good day today.

 

Do try to ignore some of the hateful posts, you did not cause their pain and do not owe anything to those posting so much hate.

 

There is plenty of pain and not much of answers.

 

I hope your H finds some comfort today and gets back some of his self-worth.

 

If he had the A, what would you want him to do for you, then do that for him.

 

Use your energy to show him how you feel about him. You have come so far by tearing down the wall of lies.

 

Sometimes the mind movies are nightmares. you have all of the puzzle, but he does not have all of the puzzle. He can only fill in what he is missing with his thoughts. Sometimes the thoughts are worse than what really happened.

 

If you can, help him somehow today.

 

Good luck to you and your family.

[understand50]

not so honorable...yet forgiven

 

and what you share is true. While others may validate us ...it is we who must profess our worth

 

My husband is the man he is...in spite of me

 

I stated in another thread, that the BS who gives a second chance is stronger then the WS. I did not, and do not mean that in a derogatory sense. At the core of things, the BS must accept that during part of the affair, they were written off in the mind of the WS. While the cheating was, or is, going on you were not the beloved and only person to your spouse. This is a hard thing to accept, but you must accept what it is. Being to see past this and forgive, and then accepting that this is so, requires strength of ego and character. You must love enough, and see that going forward, you can be, or are the beloved and only person to your spouse. I do not think it takes strength to cheat. I think the your selfish side needs to dominate, "I will do this because I can and want to". Strength would have been stopping, at any point before sex happened, and talking it out with your SO.

 

Divorce, also takes strength, for any way forward, the BS is handed a task that will require real strength, and fortitude. Not to allow this to destroy your self, your very being, your relationships, or your reconciliation going forward, is what is asked of a betrayed Spouse. Deadsoul, I hope this works out to what you want and hope for, but take a second from time to time and admire the struggle, and strength that is being shown. True love is shown when things and times are hard. From what you have written, you husband loves you, and is trying. You doing all you know and learn to try and make things right is what will help.

 

I wish you luck.....

[Cephalopod]

DS-

 

Hope you and your husband and family have a good day today.

 

Do try to ignore some of the hateful posts, you did not cause their pain and do not owe anything to those posting so much hate.

 

There is plenty of pain and not much of answers.

 

I hope your H finds some comfort today and gets back some of his self-worth.

 

If he had the A, what would you want him to do for you, then do that for him.

 

Use your energy to show him how you feel about him. You have come so far by tearing down the wall of lies.

 

Sometimes the mind movies are nightmares. you have all of the puzzle, but he does not have all of the puzzle. He can only fill in what he is missing with his thoughts. Sometimes the thoughts are worse than what really happened.

 

If you can, help him somehow today.

 

Good luck to you and your family.

 

If I am on that list of haters, it was not my intent to be hateful. In fact, all I was trying to do was offer some insight into what OP's husband might be going through. Actually I do hope that OP and her husband find a way out of the woods into the sun. I hate to see any marriage go kaput.

[Mrs. John Adams]

None of us want to see anyone fail

 

Reconciliation is hard work and not everyone is up for the challenge... the question becomes how bad do you want this? And how hard are you willing to work for it?

 

Time... it takes time and patience and love and understanding and compassion and determination and commitment ...

 

Stay focused on healing you so you can help to heal him

 

Ultimately you have to become a better person

 

Remember this

 

Infidelity lasts forever ... yes it does

But it does not define who you are as a person or as a couple

 

Even if you ultimately divorce...

 

Life's lessons are hard sometimes but if we use those lessons to make us wiser more compsssionate better people... those lessons take on a much lesser impact.

 

I was an arrogant judgemental woman... and I proved that I too can fail

 

I look at folks differently and the older I get the more compassionate I become

 

I continue to try to improve who I am everyday

 

I have no doubt dead soul that someday if you keep working on you... you will like yourself again... and you will also love others more

[AngryGromit]

I

I'm a WW. I was in a FWB

 

I really wish people would just write things out, your not texting to someone there the number of characters are limited. I haven't a clue what either those abbreviations mean.

[BluesPower]

WW = Wayward Wife

FWB = Friends With Benifits

[Cephalopod]

thank you for saying this. I never thought what I did was clever and cool. I never flaunted what I was doing. I don't think that makes me a better person than your ex, but I hope that means there's hope for me.

 

I will say this... from the sound of it, you will never get that you mattered from her. It's really sad, but she must be a miserable person inside if she has absolutely no regret or remorse for her actions. I know that I feel "too much," but the idea of no guilt and no empathy for my bh is beyond my comprehension because I feel guilt by the boat load and I'm learning how to empathize his feelings so that I can truly understand the hurt and pain I've caused.

 

You saying these things matters to me. It helps me understand the great pain (understatement) I've caused my bh with my actions. Thank you. I hope you are in a better place now. I hope to be there some day too.

 

Deadsoul I would never compare you to my wife. I do think you are trying. Just remember that your BH has a lot of misconceptions about how you view him and how you feel about him, and the only way you can help alleviate them is to prove to him everyday that you feel the exact opposite.

 

But be honest with yourself the following questions. (AND YOU DO NOT NEED TO ANSWER THESE ON HERE. Just ask them of yourself.)

 

1) Do you love him? As a lover and mate? Or just as a companion and brother?

 

2) Do you respect him? As a man? Does he command your respect, or have you lost respect for him due to his not kicking you to the curb. Some women...some...actually do lose respect for their men who do not follow betrayal with swift consequences.

 

3) Do you desire him? Be honest. Is your sexual fidelity still with your OM?

 

These are some of the questions your husband is asking himself, and maybe he has already asked you these things.

 

And it doesn't hurt to go back and ask yourself these same questions every few weeks as you go forward with R.

[Mrs. John Adams]

Deadsoul I would never compare you to my wife. I do think you are trying. Just remember that your BH has a lot of misconceptions about how you view him and how you feel about him, and the only way you can help alleviate them is to prove to him everyday that you feel the exact opposite.

 

But be honest with yourself the following questions. (AND YOU DO NOT NEED TO ANSWER THESE ON HERE. Just ask them of yourself.)

 

1) Do you love him? As a lover and mate? Or just as a companion and brother?

 

2) Do you respect him? As a man? Does he command your respect, or have you lost respect for him due to his not kicking you to the curb. Some women...some...actually do lose respect for their men who do not follow betrayal with swift consequences.

 

3) Do you desire him? Be honest. Is your sexual fidelity still with your OM?

 

These are some of the questions your husband is asking himself, and maybe he has already asked you these things.

 

And it doesn't hurt to go back and ask yourself these same questions every few weeks as you go forward with R.

 

These are great questions

 

and i hope you answer them (to yourself...not us) honestly.

 

I have spent a lifetime trying to show my beautiful husband my answers to these questions....and i will tell you...it is not easy to do.

 

They hear the negative things much clearer...much louder...than they hear the positive ones....and they hear them over and over again.

 

I think ego has a lot to do with it....and i don't mean this is a negative way. Men are Men......and especially when you have a man who believed his wife thought the moon and stars rose in him. I so totally took John by surprise...that it took away his foundation. Everything he believed in vanished...in one afternoon.

 

You don't get that back overnight....it takes years of positive action and energy and words of reassurance and praise. You cannot unhear...you cannot undo....the things that you and i said and did to our husbands.

 

So we slowly rebuild...knowing that there will forever be a piece of him we took away...that we cannot give back.

[deadsoul]

Deadsoul I would never compare you to my wife. I do think you are trying. Just remember that your BH has a lot of misconceptions about how you view him and how you feel about him, and the only way you can help alleviate them is to prove to him everyday that you feel the exact opposite.

 

But be honest with yourself the following questions. (AND YOU DO NOT NEED TO ANSWER THESE ON HERE. Just ask them of yourself.)

 

1) Do you love him? As a lover and mate? Or just as a companion and brother?

 

2) Do you respect him? As a man? Does he command your respect, or have you lost respect for him due to his not kicking you to the curb. Some women...some...actually do lose respect for their men who do not follow betrayal with swift consequences.

 

3) Do you desire him? Be honest. Is your sexual fidelity still with your OM?

 

These are some of the questions your husband is asking himself, and maybe he has already asked you these things.

 

And it doesn't hurt to go back and ask yourself these same questions every few weeks as you go forward with R.

 

You've asked some great questions and while I won't answer them here, I have answered them and am ready for when he asks them.

 

PS I did not think your other post was harsh or mean at all. I think you gave me some truths and things to think about and I respect that.

[deadsoul]

These are great questions

 

and i hope you answer them (to yourself...not us) honestly.

 

I have spent a lifetime trying to show my beautiful husband my answers to these questions....and i will tell you...it is not easy to do.

 

They hear the negative things much clearer...much louder...than they hear the positive ones....and they hear them over and over again.

 

I think ego has a lot to do with it....and i don't mean this is a negative way. Men are Men......and especially when you have a man who believed his wife thought the moon and stars rose in him. I so totally took John by surprise...that it took away his foundation. Everything he believed in vanished...in one afternoon.

 

You don't get that back overnight....it takes years of positive action and energy and words of reassurance and praise. You cannot unhear...you cannot undo....the things that you and i said and did to our husbands.

 

So we slowly rebuild...knowing that there will forever be a piece of him we took away...that we cannot give back.

 

I had a dream last night that my BH admitted he had cheated on me. I woke up feeling some of the feelings he must be feeling. It seemed so real. I think it's my subconscious really starting to show me the damage I have done to another human being.

[Marc878]

If you can somehow put yourself in his shoes that will probably go a long way. Understanding or at least trying to is a major step.

 

And you're still there.

[Life lessons]

I had a dream last night that my BH admitted he had cheated on me. I woke up feeling some of the feelings he must be feeling. It seemed so real. I think it's my subconscious really starting to show me the damage I have done to another human being.

 

Wow!! How serendipitous! I was speaking to someone a bit earlier and I had a very similar dream last night. That my DH was having an affair!! My dream felt so real!

 

I'm trying to keep up with your thread here and I'm glad to see you and your DH and still working on the issues at hand. I do hope things continue smoothly for the both of you.

[Mrs. John Adams]

I had a dream last night that my BH admitted he had cheated on me. I woke up feeling some of the feelings he must be feeling. It seemed so real. I think it's my subconscious really starting to show me the damage I have done to another human being.

 

Two years after my affair...mine did have a revenge affair.....so when we read all these timelines that it takes two to five years...I cringe.

 

There really is no timeline for healing.....

 

I know you are doing what you can....hang in there

[deadsoul]

Wow!! How serendipitous! I was speaking to someone a bit earlier and I had a very similar dream last night. That my DH was having an affair!! My dream felt so real!

 

I'm trying to keep up with your thread here and I'm glad to see you and your DH and still working on the issues at hand. I do hope things continue smoothly for the both of you.

 

How are you LL? Have you stayed NC with OM? I hope so! Please update how things are going, as I know you are in a rough spot. I remember being there and it sucked. Of course, where I'm at now sucks too... but it's a different kind of suck.