Lost in Affair

[DKT3]

What is up with you and STDS? She's an adult, just because she's having an affair doesn't mean she's an idiot. She knows the repercussions of not practicing safe Sex and she's married.

 

We would hope this to be true....However safe sex and affairs don't really go hand and hand. As most BS's can attest to.

[Marc878]

What is up with you and STDS? She's an adult, just because she's having an affair doesn't mean she's an idiot. She knows the repercussions of not practicing safe Sex and she's married.

 

In reality most or a lot of affairs are unprotected. If the AP is a player he's seeing or seen many women. Who knows what he maybe carrying. I've seen too many betrayed spouses end up with an STD and dumbfounded as to how the got it.

 

An affair is fantasy based. Most in the heat of the moment never give a second thought about protection. STD's don't exist in a fantasy until they do.

[harrybrown]

What is up with you and STDS? She's an adult, just because she's having an affair doesn't mean she's an idiot. She knows the repercussions of not practicing safe Sex and she's married.

 

I realize that there is quite a bit I do not know.

 

I have only been married once and have been married now for over 40 years. (still am)

 

Hope you and your H can make it that long. Have been thru quite a bit.

 

My son caught his ex wife sitting in the lap of her co-worker.

 

I am not an attorney, but I did the paperwork for his D.

 

I have tried to be helpful to many friends that have experienced the heartbreak of infidelity. I helped one friend that was a police officer get thru his D. He did not kill either one of the cheaters. His ex-wife thought she could come back after her fun. She had burned that bridge to the ground and really hurt their 3 teenage daughters.

 

The OM loved being around those daughters.

 

And many have had to deal with the horror of not only the lies, cheating and betrayal, but also the anguish of stds.

Edited February 19, 2017 by harrybrown
edit

[aliveagain]

What is up with you and STDS? She's an adult, just because she's having an affair doesn't mean she's an idiot. She knows the repercussions of not practicing safe Sex and she's married.

 

My ex was an adult but that didn't stop her from having another man's child during her 2 year affair. Thank heaven we now have DNA tests, got me out of that sh*t show with a very nasty, lying, cheating POS who deserved what she got. Exchanging bodily fluids is part of a cheaters rush. Yes, she is married, if that didn't stop her why wear a condom?

[Eternal30]

Hi ConInLa,

 

Your original post says exactly what I feel.

If you find my posts, you can see how I'm lost and broken, and see how many people are critizing me. I don't know to respond their questions and comments.

They are right but they are not helping me feel better.

I feel so lonely.

I would like to talk to you in private message. Maybe we can change some mutual thoughts and feelings during the A. I want to get out too.

Let me know.

Thank you.

[Life lessons]

Hi all,

I am new to this thread. I have been reading them for awhile, hoping to read something that would finally help me get out of this affair. I have been having an affair with an ex co-worker for a little over 4 months now. I am married, a mother of two, and in my late 20's. I have really been struggling with stopping it. It's exactly how a poster stated on here: the pain that comes after stopping the affair is so unbearable and instead of dealing with that pain, you would just rather keep on with the affair. I got into this affair because I was feeling lost in life and disconnected from my spouse. I felt I needed something to escape the sadness of my reality, and I mistakenly thought an affair would help! Me and my AP don't have any strong romantic feelings for each other because we both understand the complicated nature of this situation. I am a little embarrassed to admit that I initiated the affair. We both have tried to stop it around 4 times now but we still somehow end up right back where we started. Sometimes I wonder why he can't stop either because he is an attractive single man, who should have a buffet of options! That and I am not an easy woman, I am demanding. With that said, I think about this man ALL day lately. I know it isn't love, so I find it irritating that this man and this amazing sex that we have is consuming my thoughts this much. I just don't know what to do. I do want to stop, but the thought of never being with him again is just to much for me currently. I am not ready for NC with him but I do want so badly to stop before things get messy. We really are in dangerous territory. The sex just keeps getting better and he has mentioned that he is now "making love" to me. When pressed upon this the next day, he just said he had no feelings to share and that he was keeping feelings out of it. He sends these mixed signals all the time. Says he's going to stop, and then when I back off, here he comes. Part of me, loves the challenge of having this single man break all of his rules and having him incapable of being able to stop being with me. It's sick! I do know that neither of us want to hurt each other. I just want out and just don't know how to get there. I do believe we care about each other because we are friends but I know that this is wrong and we need to stop. Does anyone have any tips on how I can do this? I am contemplating therapy because I know this road won't be easy, which is why if I could press rewind, I would never bring this havoc into my life. It truly has been negatively affecting my body, mind, and soul.

 

 

I have let myself get into the same situation you have. I'm currently going through it. I too am considering counseling to figure out how I was so weak to the OM. I'm going to read your thread as well but all I know to say is best of luck.

[S2B]

Hi ConInLa,

 

Your original post says exactly what I feel.

If you find my posts, you can see how I'm lost and broken, and see how many people are critizing me. I don't know to respond their questions and comments.

They are right but they are not helping me feel better.

I feel so lonely.

I would like to talk to you in private message. Maybe we can change some mutual thoughts and feelings during the A. I want to get out too.

Let me know.

Thank you.

 

When questions are asked - simply answer them honestly. People here intend to help but usually have questions to gauge where you're at - what you want.

 

Agreeing with any poster never helps them to grow and learn.

[lahdeedoo]

Long time lurker, first time poster.

 

I was cheated on and he lied and said he didn't want me to know because he didn't want to hurt me.

 

I can tell you now that the compounded lies that he told while trying to keep me in the dark now are all meaningless.

 

Your post struck a very personal chord and I responded in anger. However, you really don't understand the abuse you are currently putting your husband through by not confessing.

 

You really did stab him in the back - are you going to tell him so he can get to healing himself? Or will you keep him in the dark about the source of pain?

 

We can notice when something is off. Betrayed's aren't stupid. We can sense when our loved ones aren't all in and are half assing things (aka - diverting attention to a second person not in the relationship).

 

My heart just hurts for your poor husband. You have already done the damage - the least you can do is be honest with him and let him DECIDE for his own life.

 

You are abusing him.

Edited February 22, 2017 by lahdeedoo
I got heated af and needed to re-assess what I wrote

[ConInLA]

Hi ConInLa,

 

Your original post says exactly what I feel.

If you find my posts, you can see how I'm lost and broken, and see how many people are critizing me. I don't know to respond their questions and comments.

They are right but they are not helping me feel better.

I feel so lonely.

I would like to talk to you in private message. Maybe we can change some mutual thoughts and feelings during the A. I want to get out too.

Let me know.

Thank you.

 

Hi Eternal30! I dont think I have private message capabilities yet, but as sson as I get them....feel free to message me!

[ConInLA]

Long time lurker, first time poster.

 

I was cheated on and he lied and said he didn't want me to know because he didn't want to hurt me.

 

I can tell you now that the compounded lies that he told while trying to keep me in the dark now are all meaningless.

 

Your post struck a very personal chord and I responded in anger. However, you really don't understand the abuse you are currently putting your husband through by not confessing.

 

You really did stab him in the back - are you going to tell him so he can get to healing himself? Or will you keep him in the dark about the source of pain?

 

We can notice when something is off. Betrayed's aren't stupid. We can sense when our loved ones aren't all in and are half assing things (aka - diverting attention to a second person not in the relationship).

 

My heart just hurts for your poor husband. You have already done the damage - the least you can do is be honest with him and let him DECIDE for his own life.

 

You are abusing him.

 

Some of y'all are so dramatic. MY POOR HUSBAND is fine. I'm sorry but for some ignorance is bliss. I don't feel the need to tell him anything. I am attending counseling and trying to get better because I am well aware that I am missing a sensitivity chip in this matter. I do love my husband. I am just simply going through a very selfish and crazy time but I am trying to get better.

[ConInLA]

Yeah, this is kind of my point; if the OM knows that your married, he's already doing something that's terribly disrespectful and showing you, through his actions, that he really doesn't care for you. If he did, and he was really in love with you, he'd either walk away or tell you and encourage you to divorce BEFORE it got physical. He'd also offer to take care of you after the D process if you'd be financially damaged by the D.

 

Sound like a like of APs? Not to me it doesn't; I'm sure there are some out there that would do this, say this, and then carry through on it. But not many. And sleeping with you while your married without intent AND action to marry you is utter disrespect. He doesn't care what happens to you, or else he'd never get into a liaison like this that's very likely to blow up your life when discovered. I read somewhere that something like 10% of AP's wind up married, and, of that 10%, 75% wind up divorced. So, you tell me, how lucky do you think you are? You that 3 in 100? Because those odds don't sound good to me.

 

We have decided to walk away from the relationship. It was beginning to be clear that we were acting very disrespectful. Also, neither one of us wanted to deal with the repercussions of being caught. It's over. Finally, for good.

[ConInLA]

It is her decision whether or not to tell her husband - we really should all agree on that and offer our advice, not admonishment.

 

OP: If you were to ask me about it I would implore you to NEVER tell your husband - he can live his life just fine without knowing about your cheating.

 

I would also be happy to bet you $1000 that you will have sex with OM within a few short days. Maybe you already have. If you really do want to quit cheating it may take you a few tries before you can break this fun, exciting habit...

 

I've broken it. We are done.

[harrybrown]

now use your energy on your H, in trying to save your marriage.

[BaileyB]

We have decided to walk away from the relationship. It was beginning to be clear that we were acting very disrespectful. Also, neither one of us wanted to deal with the repercussions of being caught. It's over. Finally, for good.

 

That's the first step, it's a good start. It was very disrespectful, to your husband and your children. I hope your next stop is counselling. Don't go back, only forward as you dedicate yourself to your family.

 

Be the wife and mother that they deserve.

[ConInLA]

That's the first step, it's a good start. It was very disrespectful, to your husband and your children. I hope your next stop is counselling. Don't go back, only forward as you dedicate yourself to your family.

 

Be the wife and mother that they deserve.

 

I have been to 3 sessions so far.

[Dub]

Did you restart the affair after your initial few posts?

[ConInLA]

Did you restart the affair after your initial few posts?

 

No, but we did break the no contact thing a few times because we have a professional relationship and a friendship. We are trying to remain adults about the situation. Everything doesn't have to be so black and white all the time. I am pretty sure we will never cross that line again. He is trying to get his life together and so am I. It was clearly time to move on. We don't talk nearly as often but we ended on friendly terms. I know most of the posters here want me to basically delete this guy from the face of the Earth but that is not always possible. With that said, my allegiance is slowly shifting to my husband where it should have always been.

[HeCantBreakMe]

No, but we did break the no contact thing a few times because we have a professional relationship and a friendship. We are trying to remain adults about the situation. Everything doesn't have to be so black and white all the time. I am pretty sure we will never cross that line again. He is trying to get his life together and so am I. It was clearly time to move on. We don't talk nearly as often but we ended on friendly terms. I know most of the posters here want me to basically delete this guy from the face of the Earth but that is not always possible. With that said, my allegiance is slowly shifting to my husband where it should have always been.

 

Yes, it does. Feel free to go read through my thread because i thought the same exact thing. It doesn't work that way Con, you cannot be friends, you cannot have little chats here and there. If you want proof of this read my thread and then have a good look around the OW/OM board.

 

The first person we always lie to in these situations is ourselves. But, I have a feeling it will take your own experience before this sinks in.

[DKT3]

Yes, it does. Feel free to go read through my thread because i thought the same exact thing. It doesn't work that way Con, you cannot be friends, you cannot have little chats here and there. If you want proof of this read my thread and then have a good look around the OW/OM board.

 

The first person we always lie to in these situations is ourselves. But, I have a feeling it will take your own experience before this sinks in.

 

Yes please do read.....She sounded just like you. We tried to convince her that it would lead her right back. No no it's done...Then she disappeared, coming back and admitted she got back with AP.

 

All you're doing is making excuses that will allow you to maintain some kind of interaction with him, which will keep you stuck.

 

I'll be honest, you will fail and be right back in.

[Marc878]

No, but we did break the no contact thing a few times because we have a professional relationship and a friendship. We are trying to remain adults about the situation. Everything doesn't have to be so black and white all the time. I am pretty sure we will never cross that line again. He is trying to get his life together and so am I. It was clearly time to move on. We don't talk nearly as often but we ended on friendly terms. I know most of the posters here want me to basically delete this guy from the face of the Earth but that is not always possible. With that said, my allegiance is slowly shifting to my husband where it should have always been.

 

If you have contact with the he affair will continue. Affairs are like addictions. If you get the addict around the source you get relapse.

 

You're fooling yourself. Until you don't.

[Birdies]

I hope you can withstand Low Contact without falling back into the A. My AP and I tried a number of times and failed. We didn't really want to break it off but we knew we had to - perhaps that can make a difference, if you really truly WANT to. I hope so, for your sake.

[GoldenR]

It is black and white. And it's clear, you're choosing to keep him in your life. You can rationalize it any which you you choose: just being friendly, work colleagues, etc. Bottom line: you're choosing to hold onto him.

[lahdeedoo]

Some of y'all are so dramatic. MY POOR HUSBAND is fine. I'm sorry but for some ignorance is bliss. I don't feel the need to tell him anything. I am attending counseling and trying to get better because I am well aware that I am missing a sensitivity chip in this matter. I do love my husband. I am just simply going through a very selfish and crazy time but I am trying to get better.

 

You can toss out your ad hominem attacks all you'd like, you're merely deflecting. Nice try, but you are still abusing him because you have already let the horses out of the stable and are trying to figure out how to get them back in without your husband knowing.

 

Don't you think you deserve to live in honesty as well. You deserve to build a marriage that is not based on betrayal. You deserve that as well.

 

Just because you say ignorance is bliss, doesn't make it true.

 

You are still protecting yourself.

 

You are trying to rationalize SO MUCH and that is what people keep trying to point out, but you instead revert to calling people dramatic which isn't helping anyone.

 

Being gaslit and kept in the dark causes so much long term damage - I hope you are able to come to understand that. It's the secrets that kill. Please believe me.

 

I'm gonna bow out of this now. I really do wish you luck and think you and your husband deserve a marriage built on honesty and not on deep dark secrets.

Edited February 24, 2017 by lahdeedoo

[QuietDan]

Low level...strictly friends...

if you look into classic long running affair patterns/types...

you appear to be transitioning into one of the classic on again off again models...

you might be the exception... but, so far....

 

Usually affairs only really end when a disrupting influence is introduced into the situation.

 

The spouse find out and the only way to save the marriage is to end the affair.

 

The affair partners spouse finds out, the affair partner ends the affair to save their marriage.

 

The affair partner finds a different affair partner and moves on.

 

Extreme measures to end the affair going full N.C., I.C., transition into M.C. to improve overall marriage issues that are difficult to resolve.

 

Hoping the best for you with your current efforts... but...right now...

it appears that you still on a low probability for success path.

 

The odds that one of two spouses figuring this out and the whole things blows up before this really ends for good is still greater.

[Life lessons]

OP, I skimmed through you thread a couple weeks back but I just now finished reading your entire thread. As I stated previously, I too was in an A with a single man. So many similarities here. How is the NC going? I saw where you stated you had to see him at times, so I'm assuming there's limited contact?? But how are you doing? Are you still missing him? NC is very difficult, trust me, I'm dealing with it now, but I certainly know it's the best decision for my family and I in the long term. I also know that if I worked with my ex AP, it wouldn't end. It's more difficult to end the A when you still see one another often. If you're handling it and not slowly going back in the A, then you're already much stronger than I would be. It's crazy for me to say that because like you, there is no love for my ex AP, but the excitement and validation would weigh heavily. But anyway, I wanted to check on you to see how everything is going. I hope that you haven't gotten back into the A. Remember a couple of hours of fun a week just isn't worth the loss it could possibly bring you, for a lifetime. (I tell myself that often as well)