Lost in Affair

[BaileyB]

That was in response to another poster because they seemed to think that I was awful to my husband during the affair. I wasn't, at all. With that said, of course I know there isn't supposed to be an AP. I'm not an idiot. I'm a little over the constant: CONFESS CONFESS narrative. I'm not and will never confess, so most of y'all are talking to a brick wall. It's not happening.

 

To each their own. I'm sure you have your reasons for making this decision.

 

With all due respect, were you really concerned with protecting your family when you chose to have an ongoing affair with another man?

 

I really do hope it works out for you, for the sake of your children.

Edited February 14, 2017 by BaileyB

[aliveagain]

That was in response to another poster because they seemed to think that I was awful to my husband during the affair. I wasn't, at all. With that said, of course I know there isn't supposed to be an AP. I'm not an idiot. I'm a little over the constant: CONFESS CONFESS narrative. I'm not and will never confess, so most of y'all are talking to a brick wall. It's not happening.

 

Well you have this all under control, wish you luck.

Edited February 14, 2017 by aliveagain

[QuietDan]

Actually.... I was the cheater.....my way ward ways were discovered....about 10 years ago...

[Jersey born raised]

I respect your decision to discuss some matters in IC. It does make it harder for those posters who truly want to help. Without some basic info it becomes impossible to provide good advice.

 

You need to be honest with IC to gain understanding of yourself and why you choose the route you did. Understand choosing to treat your husband as you have (him convinced his marriage is prefect) will make harder not easier if the adultery ever comes to light. In your mind it means it showed you still valued your family and him. In his mind it will mean something else.

 

I would note you are posting in the infidelity forum, not the wayward forum so the responses will be different. May I ask why? If you hit the "alert button" at the bottom of each thread and ask a mod to move your thread, they will do so.

 

Finally, you need to assume a fall back position of "what if he does find out" and prepare for it. Have you read any material on how to heal an affair?

[Nawlins]

Some of y'all, CLEARLY have been cheated on. Guess what, so have I! We've all been there. If you were to meet my husband, you would be quite surprised how happy he is in his marriage. He would tell you the same. Literally 2 days ago, one of our longtime friends commented how happy we seem to be. How he wished he had the same. (Which, made me a tad uncomfortable because of my months of deception.) So, goodness people, it's okay. We're okay. My husband isn't crying himself to sleep every night.

 

I was happy as well, until learned the truth about my wife. She has told me she would have taken the secret to the grave if she had not been discovered. Years later after our divorce, she is happier it all came out because it helped to shed the weight of the secret and live an honest life. That's what I and some other posters are encouraging you to do. As long as their is the secret, there is a wall between you. Your husband doesn't know about the wall. Maybe he feels it on occasion but doesn't believe his inner voice telling him what it may be, but the wall will always be there until the truth is revealed.

[ConInLA]

I was happy as well, until learned the truth about my wife. She has told me she would have taken the secret to the grave if she had not been discovered. Years later after our divorce, she is happier it all came out because it helped to shed the weight of the secret and live an honest life. That's what I and some other posters are encouraging you to do. As long as their is the secret, there is a wall between you. Your husband doesn't know about the wall. Maybe he feels it on occasion but doesn't believe his inner voice telling him what it may be, but the wall will always be there until the truth is revealed.

 

If you don't mind me asking, how did she get discovered??

[DKT3]

No, I'm protecting my family. Then after that, yes I'm protecting myself.

 

I asked before how you were being loyal to your husband....No answer. Now, I'm asking how is lying and decieption protecting your family? Protecting them would have been not having an affair, now it would be allowing him to make the best decision for himself. No you're only protecting yourself, protecting how he views you.

[GoldenR]

Since you're hellbent on not confessing, I really hope you stay faithful. But you've had no repercussions,no consequences. Most waywards that don't get caught and don't confess cheat again. And again. And again...

 

We've seen it many a time on here. All of a sudden they disappear, then months later they reappear anf tell us, "yep, you guys were right.....I should have listened...."

[harrybrown]

Yes Harry Brown, I haven't had sex with my AP for a week plus and NC has been for a few days. Yes, I did get tested for STDs two weeks ago and everything was negative. I know I have to go back in 6 months to be sure. He was a bit of a ladies man but I honestly don't think he was sleeping unprotected with that many people but hell, who am I to know what he was doing. I had a very skewed impression of him. Once again, I AM NOT hurting my husband. We text all day, still have sex more than most married people I know, and still spend time together. I wasn't dumb in my affair to completely neglect him. I still treated him the same, for the most part. He is under NO impression that I have been cheating.

 

My friends wife thought the same thing.

 

He could tell she was distant.

 

Then when the PI gave him enough info, she could not deny it.

 

But it was a good way to kill any love He ever had for her.

 

She has said she was so happy being married. For over forty years. She sure killed any love with her selfish acts. She thought she hid it well behind her wall of secrecy.

 

He left. she keeps trying to follow her H. The OM did give her stds.

 

Blew up his life and hers.

 

The OM ran for the hills. all for what?

[Nawlins]

If you don't mind me asking, how did she get discovered??

 

A friend of the OBS saw them together and followed them for a few hours. She told the OBS who then went into investigative mode. Not certain if she hired a PI, but the OBS had a file of info on them.

[Imajerk17]

No, I'm protecting my family. Then after that, yes I'm protecting myself.

 

Well, no.

 

1. If you were really "protecting your family", you never would have gotten into this affair in the first place. But that ship has already sailed away.

 

2. This is the best analogy I can think of. One of your kids decides to deal drugs. They do it for 6 months, coming in contact with all sorts of people who could do your family harm if so inclined, even years after the fact. Your kid decides not to tell you though, and meanwhile, covers his tracks well enough--his grades don't slip, ect. For all you know, your child is an honour roll student and model citizen.

 

Would you feel..*ahem*..protected by not knowing this hypothetical secret?

 

Meanwhile, I wouldn't put it past your AP to decide to let your husband know. Who knows when. Maybe not tomorrow, but maybe next month. Or maybe in a few years. Just because *you* decided to take this secret to the grave doesn't mean *he* did....

Edited February 14, 2017 by Imajerk17

[harrybrown]

in my friend's case, the AP was bragging about how he was banging X, Y, Z and the former wife.

 

People love to gossip about this behavior. So finally a friend that heard about the bragging, told my friend. It was easy then.

 

You really think the AP has not told his buddies about having sex with you?

[S2B]

No, I'm protecting my family. Then after that, yes I'm protecting myself.

 

That's what they all say... until they get caught.

 

 

 

What it really boils down to is you being greedy and selfish - come on, get honest at the least.

[GoldenR]

I feel really bad for your husband. Bc when he finds out in 3 yrs, 5yrs, 15 yrs.....whenever it may be, and he will find out, he'll be crushed way worse than if he found out now. The longer it takes for him to find out, the bigger the disconnect will be between you, bc in your mind, it'll be ancient history. In his mind it'll be fresh. You'll be saying, "But I've been faithful and a great wife all of these years! Doesn't that count for something?". While he'll be saying, "Our marriage was a lie for all of these years". And bc the marriage being the lie that it is, his pain and devastation will be much greater than if he found out today.

 

It's gonna suck for him really bad...

[S2B]

Like your username states - you are a con. Your husband is a victim without knowing.

 

That does really suck for him that you've made the marriage a sham.

[BluesPower]

Guys...

 

Listen, usually no one is harsher that I can be sometimes. She understands what we are telling her.

 

For now, she is not going to confess. And who knows, maybe she can keep it inside and try to make it up to her husband. Who really knows.

 

I get the we are all telling her the truth and when her H finds out it will be much worse. Give her some time, she has already agreed to stop the affair.

 

At least we have helped her that much.

 

I just don't think beating her up repeatedly is going to help. And I am not saying that what we are saying is not completely true. But, you know, some people have to learn this stuff their selves.

 

I know in my life, it has taken time and space to figure out a lot of stuff.

 

Do you guys think we should give her a break?

[deadsoul]

^^ This.

 

She has made her decision. She ended the affair. Why does it matter to us whether she tells or not? It's a personal decision. And where are the people who were on my thread saying, "NO you shouldn't have told."

 

There is no right or wrong answer here. We can project our experiences onto OP all we want, but the bottom line is, she is doing what is best for her family.

 

I thought we were supposed to be supportive here. Is it only when OP does what the majority wants?

 

Everyone has stated their case. She has stated hers.

 

She ended her affair. Which is what she set out to do. I've said this so many times: carrying the weight of what we waywards have done is not easy. It nearly killed me. Maybe a majority who don't get "caught," end up in another affair. Maybe we don't. I think sometimes you have to agree to disagree and then let it go.

 

It's really easy to judge behind a keyboard. I think sometimes some of us forget that.

[drifter777]

It is her decision whether or not to tell her husband - we really should all agree on that and offer our advice, not admonishment.

 

OP: If you were to ask me about it I would implore you to NEVER tell your husband - he can live his life just fine without knowing about your cheating.

 

I would also be happy to bet you $1000 that you will have sex with OM within a few short days. Maybe you already have. If you really do want to quit cheating it may take you a few tries before you can break this fun, exciting habit...

[Imajerk17]

Guys...

 

Listen, usually no one is harsher that I can be sometimes. She understands what we are telling her.

 

For now, she is not going to confess. And who knows, maybe she can keep it inside and try to make it up to her husband. Who really knows.

 

I get the we are all telling her the truth and when her H finds out it will be much worse. Give her some time, she has already agreed to stop the affair.

 

At least we have helped her that much.

 

I just don't think beating her up repeatedly is going to help. And I am not saying that what we are saying is not completely true. But, you know, some people have to learn this stuff their selves.

 

I know in my life, it has taken time and space to figure out a lot of stuff.

 

Do you guys think we should give her a break?

 

No.

 

No, I don't think we should be giving ConInLA a break. I'm sorry.

 

I mean, her husband is the real victim here, and by pledging to stop her affair, ConInLA hasn't really made it right. Not even close. He is still being suckered by ConInLA and he doesn't even know it.

 

Besides, hasn't she had already tried several times before, to no avail, to walk away? I am not sure why this time would be different.

Edited February 16, 2017 by Imajerk17

[Overtaxed]

in my friend's case, the AP was bragging about how he was banging X, Y, Z and the former wife.

 

People love to gossip about this behavior. So finally a friend that heard about the bragging, told my friend. It was easy then.

 

You really think the AP has not told his buddies about having sex with you?

 

Oh he told them. Because I am that "buddy"; the guy who can keep the secret and it will never leak out to other guys or back to his wife.

 

And, while others disagree with me here, let me tell you, if you heard how the men talk about the WW's, 99% of you would NEVER consider it. Yes, I know there are some "real" emotional affairs that go on, and it's entirely possible that I don't hear about them at all from my circle of friends. But, man, most of the A's that I do hear about; the really view their AP as a "sad joke". They laugh at you, they feed into your desperation; I've sat at bars and had guys say "Watch this" as they attempt to (and typically achieve) get their AP's to send over a naked picture. Bonus points if their husband is home when they send it.

 

Sure, go for it. I'm sure you're different. You won't be the one that we're all looking at tomorrow night at the bar and having a good laugh over. And sure, that guy who's showing the bartender your naked pic will absolutely be there when your life blows up to help put it all back together. After all, he said "I love you", right? He must mean it! <sigh>

 

One of the hardest parts of my wife stepping out is that I know, without much doubt, that her AP is out there right now bragging to his buddies about the "good little religious girl" he got into bed. My only concilation is that his wife found out about this one, so, his life is hopefully something out of Dante's Inferno right now. But, when it settles down, I have no doubt she'll be the topic of conversation at some "guy's night out". Makes me sick.

 

Maybe I'll do a public service to all those WW's considering an A and wear a VAR to my next business dinner. I promise you ladies, you cannot fathom the lack of respect that you'll hear thrown towards AP's over the course of an hour at the bar. And yes, I realize I probably have a crappy group of business associates and friends, but these are the guys having multiple affairs, so you have a better than average chance of running into them. These men are predators, and, I'm sure if you met them, you'd think "Oh man, they are in a really bad place in their marriage; their wives are terrible to them". No, they're not. That's game 101, make you feel sorry for them and think they'd NEVER do this if not for how "special" you are. It's all a lie, I know a lot of their wives, they seem like very nice, normal and mostly attractive women. The last real thing you'd hear at a bar from one of these men is "Can I buy you a drink". The last real thing you'd hear at work is "Want to grab some lunch". After that, it's lies, start to finish.

 

And this isn't to say that women can't do the same thing. They just typically don't have to, if a woman is seeking an AP, she basically just has to ask. No lying necessary.

[Owl6118]

Partial TJ. Overtaxed, gently, I do think you sometimes project your experience of a specific kind of men and their motives to all men.

 

All affairs are ruinous. But there are differences that matter. On the extreme other end for example is the rekindled former romance, where there was a specific preexisting once-legitimate relationship between the APs. These affairs can be even more horrific in the specific damage they cause. Certainly they are no better. But they come from specific weaknesses and motives and as a result can happen with no bragging or locker room talk.

 

Beware generalizations.

 

That said, I favor disclosure to the spouse in this OP's case for reasons that have been tboroughly explored here -- mostly, so that OP can put down the burden of living a life of lies and compartments, and so that her husband can have the right to make choices about his life without having his personhood debased by lies and infantalization from his life partner.

[DKT3]

Partial TJ. Overtaxed, gently, I do think you sometimes project your experience of a specific kind of men and their motives to all men.

 

All affairs are ruinous. But there are differences that matter. On the extreme other end for example is the rekindled former romance, where there was a specific preexisting once-legitimate relationship between the APs. These affairs can be even more horrific in the specific damage they cause. Certainly they are no better. But they come from specific weaknesses and motives and as a result can happen with no bragging or locker room talk.

 

Beware generalizations.

 

That said, I favor disclosure to the spouse in this OP's case for reasons that have been tboroughly explored here -- mostly, so that OP can put down the burden of living a life of lies and compartments, and so that her husband can have the right to make choices about his life without having his personhood debased by lies and infantalization from his life partner.

 

Generalization is really two headed. Example all Asian women are submissive is one side that is totally inaccurate. While black men have larger penises is general, but based in scientific fact. Not all do, but as a collective group it is accurate.

 

Saying Mm lack respect for ow/mw while not scientifically accurate, the act itself is disrespectful. Think about it, how much or highly could one think of someone if they think a portion of them is all they deserve? Offering them less then they want. So speaking poorly isn't the only sign of disrespect, no matter the situation affairs are disrespectful towards EVERYONE.

[Owl6118]

I don't disagree DTK in any way. I am not trying at all to apologize or carry water for people in the kind of affair I cited. But I also don't think asserting that every male affair perpetrator will act exactly like a character in Glengarry Glen Ross is an accurate prediction. My point went more to predicting behavior than to trying to let anyone off moral culpability.

Edited February 16, 2017 by Owl6118

[Overtaxed]

Generalization is really two headed. Example all Asian women are submissive is one side that is totally inaccurate. While black men have larger penises is general, but based in scientific fact. Not all do, but as a collective group it is accurate.

 

Saying Mm lack respect for ow/mw while not scientifically accurate, the act itself is disrespectful. Think about it, how much or highly could one think of someone if they think a portion of them is all they deserve? Offering them less then they want. So speaking poorly isn't the only sign of disrespect, no matter the situation affairs are disrespectful towards EVERYONE.

 

Yeah, this is kind of my point; if the OM knows that your married, he's already doing something that's terribly disrespectful and showing you, through his actions, that he really doesn't care for you. If he did, and he was really in love with you, he'd either walk away or tell you and encourage you to divorce BEFORE it got physical. He'd also offer to take care of you after the D process if you'd be financially damaged by the D.

 

Sound like a like of APs? Not to me it doesn't; I'm sure there are some out there that would do this, say this, and then carry through on it. But not many. And sleeping with you while your married without intent AND action to marry you is utter disrespect. He doesn't care what happens to you, or else he'd never get into a liaison like this that's very likely to blow up your life when discovered. I read somewhere that something like 10% of AP's wind up married, and, of that 10%, 75% wind up divorced. So, you tell me, how lucky do you think you are? You that 3 in 100? Because those odds don't sound good to me.

[Lemonbar]

Have you gone complete no contact with the AP?

 

Have you been tested for stds?

 

Hope you do not give stds to your H.

 

You really think your AP is not sleeping around with everyone that he can?

 

Have you at least not had the AP have sex without protection?

 

The AP has not been around your kids or have sex with you in your home?

 

Hope you wake up quick. The A bomb always does way too much damage to your marriage and your life. Also your families lives.

 

So how could you give away the sex that should be only for your H to someone else? If it was your H that was having the A, would you be upset that he was having the A?

 

you think that your H does not know and does not suspect anything? You have been cold and distant. He senses it. He may have hired a PI and has pictures.

 

He could be waiting to see if you wake up and stop and come back to the marriage.

 

Or deciding that he is done. When you built this wall between you and your H, to keep your secrets, you have changed. He knows this.

 

Hope you stop now before you blow up everything. You do not think that you have hurt your H enough now for the wonderful OM?

 

If you ever loved your H, and you can't stop because you are addicted, then tell him and give him the D and blow up his life.

 

This is what you are doing. Hope you will change quickly.

 

This is not good or nice what you are doing to your H. Think about him and do not continue to be so selfish.

What is up with you and STDS? She's an adult, just because she's having an affair doesn't mean she's an idiot. She knows the repercussions of not practicing safe Sex and she's married.