Reconciliation? How?

[ReaperOfTheGrim]

To echo what was said this is completely normal. The stages are not linear and you can flip back and forth.

 

I went from shock, to anger, to depression, to denial, to anger, to denial, to depression and back to denial. And this was over a 6 month period and continues still.

 

It has gotten easier with time. The first several months I was having suicidal thoughts and crippling depression.

 

My therapist said something to me that is a little worrisome. She said that unless I find someone with a similar set of qualities that I will never really get over it. I think this is true. Anytime I've had my heart broken I've always managed to find someone better. Once you've found the best you've ever had its hard to think that there is better still.

 

But it does get easier with time. I know you probably won't agree but try not to think about "in 6 months I'll call her" as it will cause you to put your life on hold. The sad truth is nothing you can say or do will bring her back. If she is to come back it will be of her own accord.

 

And say she does? What is to prevent her from doing it again? Would you be able to deal with the thoughts of her with another man having a blast while you are crying yourself to sleep every night? Will you be able to ever fully trust her again?

 

This will likely be the most difficult thing you go through in your life (until the next one). Hopefully you'll become a better person but you will likely never love that free again as your mind will try to protect you from this pain in the future.

 

Hang in there bro.

 

Lol I know I know, honestly though, thinking things like "I'll call her later, and everything will work out" seems like it calms my soul down a little bit. I honestly don't know if I'll ever go through with it, but it helps me sleep to be honest. And I WILL and have changed my perception on what relationships are, and what I was doing (besides afew obvious things) that were driving her away and eventually led to the end of the relationship. It's a pretty sibling feeling to see all those things in hindsight though. If there were a day that we did get back together at some point, i know there'd be animosity between us based on how she's been acting sense the BU, but I keep it in my mind that it's really none of my business what she's up to. I think I'd be able to move past it, but that's me in this super emotional state saying that. There's no way of knowing if I actually could.

[BC1980]

Is it uncommon that, after 3 months, she's still on my mind every second of the day? 15 seconds is maybe the longest Ive gone without thinking about her until I start drinking after I get off work, and even then she's always there. I've learned that alot of the things I've been experiencing are actually fairly common amongst those suffering from a heartbreak, and although the emotions are less intense as they were at the beginning, I'm starting to worry I may have some kind of problem because she's on my mind so much. Not just the typical "I wonder what she's doing right now" thoughts, but memories, what it means that she's gone, how much life is different in a much worse way without her, and just HER in general. There's no distracting myself at ALL. Is This normal or should I seek professional help?

 

Oh gosh, this is completely normal. It's been almost 4 years since I broke up with my ex, and I still think about him a lot. But the thoughts are in passing. They don't evoke any particular emotion. I've been NC for 3 years, and it's helped tremendously. But for the first year of NC, any thought of him had the potential to make me cry or to send me down a rabbit hole of analyzing.

 

You can't control what pops into your head. But you can control what you do with those thoughts. For instance, you can divert your thoughts to something else. But you are in the beginning stages, so it's probably more beneficial for you to journal about your feelings when she pops up. Journaling can be good to an extent. At some point, I do think it can become indulgent and hold you back if you continue to ruminate on your ex for a long period of time. I also used to do a exercise where, when I would feel angry or sad about my ex, I would try to turn those feelings into a positive. I would use those feelings as a chance to go for a walk or go to the gym and work on my fitness goals. I would channel the feelings into something else so to speak. I also found it helpful to write down how I would change my actions in a future relationship, so I wouldn't be so passive and find myself in this same situation.

 

NC a great tool. It really is your friend if you want to make your ex irrelevant to your life. And that is your goal. As hard as it sounds and as much as we rail against it, irrelevancy is best. You want to get to a point where you have no strong emotions tied to your ex.

[ReaperOfTheGrim]

This is probably more true than most of us want to admit. I think it's natural that we want to couple up, experience love, and share our lives with someone. I don't think that being single is particularly natural or what most people want. There are some people that genuinely want to remain single and are happier that way, but they are outliers. And a lot of those people seem to have been severely traumatized or scarred by a past relationship to the point that real intimacy is a scary thing.

 

But I think that the vast majority of us seek the companionship that only a relationship can provide. Being single is lonely, and we're wired to seek close companionship. This is not to say that people can't be happy while single and searching for partner, but it is to say that I do think people struggle to find genuine happiness while single. And I think that is normal and shouldn't be minimized.

 

So very true. I've never looked at single people like there was something "wrong" with them per se. Since my breakup though, I analyze those same single people, and don't want their type of lives at all. It's almost opened my eyes and made me realized that while I was in a relationship, I actually pitied those people because they were missing out on having someone to share their livesand intimate moments with. Those things hit me pretty hard directly after the breakup...

[BC1980]

Lol I know I know, honestly though, thinking things like "I'll call her later, and everything will work out" seems like it calms my soul down a little bit. I honestly don't know if I'll ever go through with it, but it helps me sleep to be honest.

 

I think that's a normal thing and part of denial. I've read someplace that your mind has to go through denial because it would be too traumatic to experience everything all at once. So it's sort of a defense mechanism. I did swallow the reality of my breakup in stages, in bit and pieces. It became more tolerable as time went on, but I did have the hope that we would get back together for several months. Even when I logically knew it was fantasy, my mind still had that thought for quite some time. After you get past the shock/denial phase, it does become important to make some concrete steps to move on. I remember opening a savings account and thinking it was a big step because, before that, I wasn't thinking of buying a house on my own. Every life decision had been with my ex. But opening up that savings account with the express purpose of saving to buy a house made our breakup very real and was signal that I was, in fact, not going backwards.

[SevenCity]

Lol I know I know, honestly though, thinking things like "I'll call her later, and everything will work out" seems like it calms my soul down a little bit. I honestly don't know if I'll ever go through with it, but it helps me sleep to be honest. And I WILL and have changed my perception on what relationships are, and what I was doing (besides afew obvious things) that were driving her away and eventually led to the end of the relationship. It's a pretty sibling feeling to see all those things in hindsight though. If there were a day that we did get back together at some point, i know there'd be animosity between us based on how she's been acting sense the BU, but I keep it in my mind that it's really none of my business what she's up to. I think I'd be able to move past it, but that's me in this super emotional state saying that. There's no way of knowing if I actually could.

 

Funny, I asked about this in my last session as well. Basically was holding onto the hope that one day she will call help with the short term pain but still allow me to have her fade from my mind organically over time.

 

She said yes. I'm not sure about that. A huge part of accepting a loss is, well, accepting it. Thinking that in 6 months, a year, she will come to her senses is a pipe dream and I wonder if the thought of that prevents me from moving on.

 

The difference in my situation is that although she had issues (insecurities, lack of self esteem, inabilityl to communicate), we did not have any of the toxic problems that I read about from other posters. As more time goes on I don't feel a sense of releif as I had with other exes. We were like two best friends and did things to / for each other to make the other person happy.

 

Even 6 months later I still take into account her opinion of things. Like how will she feel if I do X or buy Y. Wondering that if she would approve of such a decision if she were to come back.

 

It's really preventing me from moving on for good. And I attribute that to not finding someone who has her set of qualities. Once I do then I think I will really move on. And then she'll call

[BC1980]

So very true. I've never looked at single people like there was something "wrong" with them per se. Since my breakup though, I analyze those same single people, and don't want their type of lives at all. It's almost opened my eyes and made me realized that while I was in a relationship, I actually pitied those people because they were missing out on having someone to share their livesand intimate moments with. Those things hit me pretty hard directly after the breakup...

 

For a long time, I thought there was something wrong with me for wanting a relationship. I think I even made a thread about it. I beat up on myself for being "weak" and wanting a partner to share my life with. But I've realized that I'm actually just a normal person who wants trust, intimacy, and love with someone else. And that's not a bad thing at all. In fact, it's a really, really normal thing, which is why breakups/divorces/death of a spouse are so traumatic and have such profound effects on the way we view ourselves and life.

[SevenCity]

This is probably more true than most of us want to admit. I think it's natural that we want to couple up, experience love, and share our lives with someone. I don't think that being single is particularly natural or what most people want. There are some people that genuinely want to remain single and are happier that way, but they are outliers. And a lot of those people seem to have been severely traumatized or scarred by a past relationship to the point that real intimacy is a scary thing.

 

But I think that the vast majority of us seek the companionship that only a relationship can provide. Being single is lonely, and we're wired to seek close companionship. This is not to say that people can't be happy while single and searching for partner, but it is to say that I do think people struggle to find genuine happiness while single. And I think that is normal and shouldn't be minimized.

 

And there's the rub. You really don't get over someone until you find someone else. But you shouldn't look for someone else until you are over them.

 

That's why I differ here with most posters and feel you should start looking as soon as you can stomach the thought of dating. It's not an easy process (especially for a guy due to limited options) but the next girl isn't going to magically appear at your doorstep.

 

You have to go through many wasted dates / sex partners to find a good match. I've been dating for 5 months and have yet to find one. Though i did gain some funny stories along the way so not a total loss.

[ReaperOfTheGrim]

I've always been a pretty shy person, so putting myself out there is incredibly difficult, another reason I'm taking this breakup so hard. I met my ex while working at a grocery store, and things clicked pretty quick. 5 years later, I'm working at a small refinery making much better money, but surrounded by nothing but bitter old men, and I'm 30. So when people fear never finding true love again and biological clocks ticking, I'm in real fear of those things. Big reason I want my ex back so badly, and am filled with so much regret about not working harder to have things work out and screwing it up at the end.

[BC1980]

I've always been a pretty shy person, so putting myself out there is incredibly difficult, another reason I'm taking this breakup so hard. I met my ex while working at a grocery store, and things clicked pretty quick. 5 years later, I'm working at a small refinery making much better money, but surrounded by nothing but bitter old men, and I'm 30. So when people fear never finding true love again and biological clocks ticking, I'm in real fear of those things. Big reason I want my ex back so badly, and am filled with so much regret about not working harder to have things work out and screwing it up at the end.

 

I totally understand. I'm 36 and coming to terms with the likelihood that I probably won't have children. Most of my friends are done having kids, so I missed that entire phase of life. I'll admit that it's been hard to come to terms with that. At this point, if I get married, it will be in a different phase of life than most people. And certainly, none of us are guaranteed a relationship, which is not exactly a happy thought. Being single is lonely. Coming home to an empty house is lonely. Not having someone to plan a life and to plan trips with is lonely. I'm not trying to spread pity and gloom and doom, but I am trying to be realistic. I think that denying any of that isn't helpful. Pretending like it's so much fun to be single is a lie for a lot of people. And the really hard truth is that as you get older, it does get more difficult to find someone. Not impossible but more difficult. It's not like in college when everyone was single, and you were around a ton of people your own age. You're basically relegated to a chance meeting at work, through friends, or the dreaded online dating. Good grief, I sound so gloomy, but I'm just being real.

[SSun]

Hi Reaper,

 

I'm sorry about your breakup. I was where you were not that long ago and I'm now at over a year of NC. What helped propel my NC was really building myself up and that meant really taking my ex off the pedestal I had him on in my mind. I've always enjoyed being single about as much as being in a relationship but I do understand the shock of being without a partner after having one. I can assure you that it will pass. I started journaling, working out, dating myself, got a life coach and began volunteering. It was in doing this that I was able to realize that my ex was sort of a teacher sent by the universe and that I could move on with someone else. I am still single but it is by choice as I have been attracting healthier men and am very interested in one in particular who I don't compare to my ex. I think your therapist was sort of right but I think you'll find that the further along you are in your NC and healing the less inclined you'll be to desire your ex and/or compare people to her. The memories will not disappear but I can guarantee you that being in the presence of someone who truly wants you and respects you will be incredible. Be kind to yourself and give it time.

 

 

 

 

My ex left me December 2'nd. I was in limited contact for the first 2 1/2 months and discussed issues only pertaining to the dog we shared together, but she got a new puppy, and love interest, and ignored my last offer to let her see our dog about 2 weeks ago, so it will be strict No Contact from here on out.

 

All that being said however, I still find that I'm shocking myself back into realizing how alone I am now all day everyday. I still feel like i can call her, like she's "coming home later", and that we're still together. When being invited places, I think in terms of "would she want to go ", and sometimes even respond saying "I'll have to see what natalie says", which is always awkward and kind of breaks me every time I do it. Even making plans to do something that I should find fun is too painful when I think about doing it alone.

 

I know depression is the third step,with anger being the second, but I don't know if I skipped it, or haven't reached it yet, but I'm really not angry with her at all. Just with myself. There are of course the "how in the *** could she do this" moments, when I found out she was hooking up with different guys after the break up, but those thoughts never last. The depression stage is definitely there in 100% full force though.

 

Emotions are aaallll over the place, as is to be expected. There are times where I even feel like I slip into "acceptance" (a very very painful form of it at least) , where I feel like i know it's over, but even then, the feelings of her being there, like I'm still in a relationship ALWAYS always always there. Going on dates hasent helped in the least.

 

I'm still crazy head over heels in love with this woman, and am finding it very hard to live without her. I've decided that I WILL contact her later in life. This "love interest " I spoke about, I'm not worried about in the least. He's definitely nothing long term. Maybe 6 months down the road, I'll revisit the idea of reconnecting if I feel I'm healed enough. Or I'll look at things differently and hate her. That'd be nice too...

Edited February 25, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[ReaperOfTheGrim]

Hi Reaper,

 

I'm sorry about your breakup. I was where you were not that long ago and I'm now at over a year of NC. What helped propel my NC was really building myself up and that meant really taking my ex off the pedestal I had him on in my mind. I've always enjoyed being single about as much as being in a relationship but I do understand the shock of being without a partner after having one. I can assure you that it will pass. I started journaling, working out, dating myself, got a life coach and began volunteering. It was in doing this that I was able to realize that my ex was sort of a teacher sent by the universe and that I could move on with someone else. I am still single but it is by choice as I have been attracting healthier men and am very interested in one in particular who I don't compare to my ex. I think your therapist was sort of right but I think you'll find that the further along you are in your NC and healing the less inclined you'll be to desire your ex and/or compare people to her. The memories will not disappear but I can guarantee you that being in the presence of someone who truly wants you and respects you will be incredible. Be kind to yourself and give it time.

 

I know that you're right. I'm at a phase at the moment where I I just can't stop thinking about how good she was to me, and how much we grew together and how I ruined a relationship with a great woman. We met at a grocery store, moved in together quick, and within just afew short years we had good new jobs, new vehicles, started renting a good house, and by now, we'd be engaged. I don't want anything to do with a life without everything we had together, and I simply can't conceive how that could change. Alot of friends and family have talked about finding another woman, but that almost seems counterintuitive. Learning about someone else's life/ childhood/family/life... the thought of it is just exhausting and I have absolutely NO interest. It's like wanting to replace a mother or a sister. She was ALL that I had.

 

I really don't see myself finding happiness at this point compared to what i had with her, honestly. I feel like the most i can hope for is to become more and more numb to the point of not feeling happy, sad, or anything. The quality of life before and after she was in my life doesn't compare to having her in my life. I'm not just speaking about being depressed now and the emotional aspects of having her in my life, but even things like my finances are suffering now. She was a very giving person and took such great care of me. I got this new job which requires me to do lots and lots of physical labor,and wake up incredibly early, so since I've had it, it's always felt like I was doing this hard work and barely getting any sleep for US and my "family". Now that feeling is just....gone. I ****ing hate my job now, and really realize how miserable I am here now that I'm doing it only for myself, and even still, I'm struggling financially.

 

It all hits me harder some times than others. There are the obvious times like waking up, going to sleep and getting home from work. But the moments I wouldn't expect hit the hardest, like the way to and from work, or random weekend afternoons. Then i think... I'm in this debilitating state of pain, depression and despair. Nostalgic of everything we've been through, always replaying memories and how much the relationship meant to me and where it was headed. It's so hard to fathom, and hurts so damned much to know that all of it is just on my end and that she's feeling none of it. It's a sad state of mind to have, but I want to think so badly that she's at work thinking about me, or laying next to this chump hurting and thinking she's left something behind. I know these are delusions, but my mind simply can't grasp how she couldn't based solely on how in feeling.

[BC1980]

I remember those feelings. Wondering how I could ever be happy again without my ex. I truly did doubt that I could. I know it doesn't seem like it now, but you can move on from this and be happy again. This is just an intense time when pretty much everyone who has gone through this felt similarly. If you are committed to NC and moving on, you can do it like the rest of us did. We all did it, so it can be done. Try to remember that.

 

One of the best things you can do right now is to get on a routine and try to start an exercise routine. That helped me so much. It gives you a plan and a goal for the day, so you aren't loafing around aimlessly.

[SevenCity]

I know that you're right. I'm at a phase at the moment where I I just can't stop thinking about how good she was to me, and how much we grew together and how I ruined a relationship with a great woman. We met at a grocery store, moved in together quick, and within just afew short years we had good new jobs, new vehicles, started renting a good house, and by now, we'd be engaged. I don't want anything to do with a life without everything we had together, and I simply can't conceive how that could change. Alot of friends and family have talked about finding another woman, but that almost seems counterintuitive. Learning about someone else's life/ childhood/family/life... the thought of it is just exhausting and I have absolutely NO interest. It's like wanting to replace a mother or a sister. She was ALL that I had.

 

I really don't see myself finding happiness at this point compared to what i had with her, honestly. I feel like the most i can hope for is to become more and more numb to the point of not feeling happy, sad, or anything. The quality of life before and after she was in my life doesn't compare to having her in my life. I'm not just speaking about being depressed now and the emotional aspects of having her in my life, but even things like my finances are suffering now. She was a very giving person and took such great care of me. I got this new job which requires me to do lots and lots of physical labor,and wake up incredibly early, so since I've had it, it's always felt like I was doing this hard work and barely getting any sleep for US and my "family". Now that feeling is just....gone. I ****ing hate my job now, and really realize how miserable I am here now that I'm doing it only for myself, and even still, I'm struggling financially.

 

It all hits me harder some times than others. There are the obvious times like waking up, going to sleep and getting home from work. But the moments I wouldn't expect hit the hardest, like the way to and from work, or random weekend afternoons. Then i think... I'm in this debilitating state of pain, depression and despair. Nostalgic of everything we've been through, always replaying memories and how much the relationship meant to me and where it was headed. It's so hard to fathom, and hurts so damned much to know that all of it is just on my end and that she's feeling none of it. It's a sad state of mind to have, but I want to think so badly that she's at work thinking about me, or laying next to this chump hurting and thinking she's left something behind. I know these are delusions, but my mind simply can't grasp how she couldn't based solely on how in feeling.

 

That's the point I'm at now after 6 months of NC. I'm numb. When bad things happen to me now I'm all "meh". It's like stubbing your toe after you broke your leg.

 

I do have occasional feelings of happiness and of sadness it mostly it's numbness. Wake up,go to work, come home, repeat. I date on weekends and occasionally during the week but any time I get hopeful they show why they can never be long term.

 

I don't want to make any big life changes (like a new job) because I don't feel like I can be objective enough to make completely rational decisions. I'm open to finding my next gf but that has eluded me thus far.

 

I hope the other posters who are farther along are right in that this will pass. I'm not so sure - although I was married before (for the wrong reasons) my ex was the first girl in my life that I really wanted to grow old with.

 

I've been heartbroken before but always was able to be happy about it due to issues we had. With this breakup it just didn't make sense and I got the feeling from her she felt the same.

 

I guess time will tell. Hang in there bro - not saying it will go away but it will get easier.

[SSun]

It is virtually impossible for her not to think about you at least sometimes. My ex recently called me after a year of NC and while determining if I would ever call him back, I discovered that he'd tried to contact me as far back as just six months into NC. The calls were intercepted by call block and at the time I was where you are. I'm telling you this in an effort to assure you that if you're concerned that taking steps to move on will make her forget about you, don't be. It sounds like she meant a lot to you and set the bar high but if there is any chance of you attracting her back it'll be increased by you truly releasing her. I know that sounds counterintuitive. I met my ex very young and he was basically my first everything. So, I understand the feelings of dread when you consider getting to know someone else. So maybe focus less on finding another woman and more on getting to know you. Consider journaling and getting a new routine (like BC1980 wisely suggested). Begin sitting with yourself and allowing yourself to feel all of the pain raw. Grieve what has been lost, do not resist feeling the pain. Then when you are ready, which may be a year from now, or sometime earlier or even later than that, resolve to move forward and be ok with the possibility that she may never return. Almost as soon as I reached that point, my ex contacted me. You may find, as I did, that when and if she comes back you'll have really grown and may not be so quick to get back in touch.

 

3 months is no time at all, be kind to yourself.

 

 

 

 

I know that you're right. I'm at a phase at the moment where I I just can't stop thinking about how good she was to me, and how much we grew together and how I ruined a relationship with a great woman. We met at a grocery store, moved in together quick, and within just afew short years we had good new jobs, new vehicles, started renting a good house, and by now, we'd be engaged. I don't want anything to do with a life without everything we had together, and I simply can't conceive how that could change. Alot of friends and family have talked about finding another woman, but that almost seems counterintuitive. Learning about someone else's life/ childhood/family/life... the thought of it is just exhausting and I have absolutely NO interest. It's like wanting to replace a mother or a sister. She was ALL that I had.

 

I really don't see myself finding happiness at this point compared to what i had with her, honestly. I feel like the most i can hope for is to become more and more numb to the point of not feeling happy, sad, or anything. The quality of life before and after she was in my life doesn't compare to having her in my life. I'm not just speaking about being depressed now and the emotional aspects of having her in my life, but even things like my finances are suffering now. She was a very giving person and took such great care of me. I got this new job which requires me to do lots and lots of physical labor,and wake up incredibly early, so since I've had it, it's always felt like I was doing this hard work and barely getting any sleep for US and my "family". Now that feeling is just....gone. I ****ing hate my job now, and really realize how miserable I am here now that I'm doing it only for myself, and even still, I'm struggling financially.

 

It all hits me harder some times than others. There are the obvious times like waking up, going to sleep and getting home from work. But the moments I wouldn't expect hit the hardest, like the way to and from work, or random weekend afternoons. Then i think... I'm in this debilitating state of pain, depression and despair. Nostalgic of everything we've been through, always replaying memories and how much the relationship meant to me and where it was headed. It's so hard to fathom, and hurts so damned much to know that all of it is just on my end and that she's feeling none of it. It's a sad state of mind to have, but I want to think so badly that she's at work thinking about me, or laying next to this chump hurting and thinking she's left something behind. I know these are delusions, but my mind simply can't grasp how she couldn't based solely on how in feeling.

[ReaperOfTheGrim]

It's been 3 months since my ex girlfriend left me after 5 years living together. I've been plagued with guilt since the breakup, and am still ruminating about what "could have been". I do feel like I'm doing better than I was at the beginning. I'm not crying everyday, although there are still consecutive days where I do, but it's not quite as intense. There still isn't a minute that goes by in a day where I don't think about her though. That hasn't changed. I still want her back very very badly.

 

Today on facebook, her relationship status changed to "in a relationship" with some druggie that's got absolutely nothing going for him, a real loser. Her family is very distraught, and want me back in her life as much as I want her back in mine; their hearts are breaking too.

 

There's still a very big part of me that feels like she's going to be waiting for me when I come home from work, and that she's still in my life, but I've heard on this site that these feelings are natural and you can't surpress them. I've decided to feel them through, cry hard when I start feeling like I need to, and not avoiding the feelings. I'm getting a roommate next week, which will hopefully help me get out of my head a little bit during my downtime at home.

 

But even after these 3 months apart, I still don't feel that I'm any closer to letting her go, or that she's any more removed from my mind than she was the day after the breakup. She has given me no signs that she'd be open to the idea of reconciliation from day 1, and the last contact we had was when she has totally ignored texts I sent in regards to her seeing the dog we shared afew weeks ago.

 

The thing that scares me though, is that even after all of this, I honestly don't know if I WANT to let her go. I'm not an idiot, and consider myself a fairly rational person, so I know the damage this is causing me and that I need to let her go for my emotional health. But there's just something inside of me that is still holding onto her with everything I've got. It's causing me more and more pain, but I'm starting to believe that I'm refusing to let go, and holding onto all of this pain and suffering because I may feel somewhere very deep, that this is my last form of any type of connection I have with her, and our life together.

 

Moving on is obviously impossible in this state, but I don't think I want to move on. I know she has, and I know that if she wanted to come back, she'd be back. But the memories and the life we had together was so much better than the life I'm living now. I almost feel like I'm living in denial. Why am I like this?

[SevenCity]

First thing you have to do is forgive yourself. You are not 100% to blame. I'm not sure of all the back story but I can assure you she did play a part in this.

 

Also, did she come to you with her concerns in a rational manner and give you a chance to correct them? I bet not - she likely checked out and only informed you after it was too late. I've seen this pattern again and again and same happened to me. Why she was able to move on was because she emotionally prepared herself long before she ended it with you.

 

I remember my 3 month mark; from Christmas to New Years - I was still crying my eyes out. In many ways it felt worse than initially because the pain was still there but reality had begun to set in. Especially coming home to an empty house. I decided to take a self defense class and was so weak from not eating (at that point I had lost about 40 lbs) I passed out during the workout. When I came to they asked me if they can call anyone and I almost cried as she was the only person I had locally and she was gone. I was truly alone for the first time in 7 years.

 

I began to have crushing chest pains so bad I went to a cardiologist (I never go to the doctor) and had a bunch of tests run. Turned out it wasn't anything psychically wrong with my heart.

 

Now I'm at 6 months and doing better. And you will as well. Just like the pain has gotten more bearable from the initial, it will get better as more time passes.

 

You are doing the right thing by letting your emotions out. Bottling them up will make it last longer and hurt more.

 

I haven't cried over the breakup in a while. I still miss her and think of her daily but it doesn't hurt like it used to. It's more like a "ah s%#t" feeling rather than the intense pain it was before. For the first three months I used to think if my pain was a weapon I would be a nuke. As I was walking out of the office to get some air I would picture my heart exploding with the destruction of a hydrogen bomb with such devastation and power it would level everything for 100 miles. I've been heart broken before but I do not recall facing pain like this in my life. This was the girl I had searched for my entire life and I was planning to ask her to marry me around the timing of the weekend she moved out.

 

You have to stop looking at her Facebook page and delete her from your life. Every picture, every physical item. You have to completely erase her. The memories will take time to go away, but if you keep on cyber stalking her and looking at her pics this will take much longer.

 

I'm starting to reach the point where I am letting go. Little by little she is slipping out of my thoughts. Eventually, I hope, I will no longer be able to remember the specifics. This is what you have to do as well. I know you don't want to now - and that's ok. But eventually you will.

 

I encourage you to start dating. There is another girl out there with whom you will fall in love. But you have to get out there and look for her. Getting a roommate is a good idea - its best to be around other people.

 

In the meantime, learn what your part was in the breakup and make sure it never happens again. Be a better bf to the next girl. Not saying you were bad, but everyone can improve.

 

Why are you like this? Because you are a human being. A breakup is likely the worst pain you'll ever feel. It can be worse than someone dying as it is like they are dead but they willfully left.

 

I found Corey Wayne (book / videos) and Craig Kenneth (videos) very helpful. Somewhat painful because I realized where I went wrong. I also read several books on relationships / breakups in this time.

 

This is gonna suck and take longer than you expect. But it will get better. One day you'll be able to look back and not feel anything. Just think, in 10 years do the think it will still hurt? It won't. And it won't take that long either.

 

Feel better bro - my heart goes out to you.

[LitTunnel]

Sorry to hear about your breakup bro. It's pure hell, I know the exact feeling because I'm 6 months NC and I went through the same stage as you are going through now. I still have my breakdowns, believe me, but they're not as intense anymore. I do feel I'm better now and that I'm coming closer and closer to acceptance but I still from time to time wished her back and get depressed. They say these feelings are the equivalent of a heroin addict coming off of drugs and wanting another fix desperately. Same part of the brain is triggered that wants the fix, literally.

 

The truth is, don't fight your emotions. Don't fight back tears. Don't fight regret. Don't fight your constant thoughts of her and every possible scenario. Heck, don't fight ANYTHING. Just let it ALL happen. If you feel an anxiety attack coming, don't fight it.Let it happen. Just let all the pain run its course dude. Yes, it's hell but again, nothing else left to do on your part.

 

I feel for you my friend. I really, really do. It's quite possibly the worst feeling, next to death. I started having panic attacks. Not anymore but a couple months ago. I used to drink caffeine like crazy. I enjoyed my caffeine drinks but Now I can't have ANY caffeine because of fear of triggering panic attack. And I miss my drinks so bad. All due to the fact that my ex consideres me as trash and won't even acknowledge me and I want to talk to her so bad, but I can't. I've been totally X'ed from her life. I miss her so bad but nothing, absolutely nothing I can do anymore. I can only learn from my experience and hope that I can meet someone special soon.

 

I really do wish for you to get back with her. Who knows man, you still might have a chance with her. Just give it time, you never know. You just might end up having the last laugh so don't count that out. Even though it seems not the case but it's weird how life can turn completely around just in 1 day so just hang in there dude. Keep posting whenever you need a come-off from your fix! Lol:)

[CollegeKid101]

It's been 3 months since my ex girlfriend left me after 5 years living together. I've been plagued with guilt since the breakup, and am still ruminating about what "could have been". I do feel like I'm doing better than I was at the beginning. I'm not crying everyday, although there are still consecutive days where I do, but it's not quite as intense. There still isn't a minute that goes by in a day where I don't think about her though. That hasn't changed. I still want her back very very badly.

 

Today on facebook, her relationship status changed to "in a relationship" with some druggie that's got absolutely nothing going for him, a real loser. Her family is very distraught, and want me back in her life as much as I want her back in mine; their hearts are breaking too.

 

There's still a very big part of me that feels like she's going to be waiting for me when I come home from work, and that she's still in my life, but I've heard on this site that these feelings are natural and you can't surpress them. I've decided to feel them through, cry hard when I start feeling like I need to, and not avoiding the feelings. I'm getting a roommate next week, which will hopefully help me get out of my head a little bit during my downtime at home.

 

But even after these 3 months apart, I still don't feel that I'm any closer to letting her go, or that she's any more removed from my mind than she was the day after the breakup. She has given me no signs that she'd be open to the idea of reconciliation from day 1, and the last contact we had was when she has totally ignored texts I sent in regards to her seeing the dog we shared afew weeks ago.

 

The thing that scares me though, is that even after all of this, I honestly don't know if I WANT to let her go. I'm not an idiot, and consider myself a fairly rational person, so I know the damage this is causing me and that I need to let her go for my emotional health. But there's just something inside of me that is still holding onto her with everything I've got. It's causing me more and more pain, but I'm starting to believe that I'm refusing to let go, and holding onto all of this pain and suffering because I may feel somewhere very deep, that this is my last form of any type of connection I have with her, and our life together.

 

Moving on is obviously impossible in this state, but I don't think I want to move on. I know she has, and I know that if she wanted to come back, she'd be back. But the memories and the life we had together was so much better than the life I'm living now. I almost feel like I'm living in denial. Why am I like this?

 

Something tells me she will be back after she has her fun with this new boyfriend..5 year relationship and she's already with a new guy? It's a rebound, obviously, but hopefully you'll be strong enough not to go back to someone who caused you so much pain.

 

Hang in there, break ups suck, but hey, that's how we all got here.

[ReaperOfTheGrim]

I hate hearing so many others are going through that same things, but it is good to hear that it does in fact get better when it feels like it never will. I'm down 40 lbs as well, haven't had the stregnth to go to the gym after work, and have been drinking every night to get to sleep. It's absolute misery.

 

I think I struggle with letting go because my life was so much better with her in it. Not just the emotional aspect, but everything. I was boring and sat at home playing video games and lounging around the house most of the time when she found me. After we began dating, i started getting out. Going fishing with her, going on dates, getting pets. She inspired me to get a new job, we moved to a nice place that her and her mom decorated, and her dad and I fives up a bit. I started picking up hobbies her dad began teaching me, and her extended family always had something going on, and we all loved each other. I respected myself, and finally becoming a man i wanted to be. All of that is just... gone...

 

It's always "go-to" advice from internet sources and friends/family to say "you were fine before them, you'll be fine after them", but I wasn't fine without her. I believe I'm holding on so hard because i don't WANT to go back to how i was before I was with her. I wasn't unhappy, but I didn't realize that i wasn't happy either until we began going out.

[jamili]

I hate hearing so many others are going through that same things, but it is good to hear that it does in fact get better when it feels like it never will. I'm down 40 lbs as well, haven't had the stregnth to go to the gym after work, and have been drinking every night to get to sleep. It's absolute misery.

 

I think I struggle with letting go because my life was so much better with her in it. Not just the emotional aspect, but everything. I was boring and sat at home playing video games and lounging around the house most of the time when she found me. After we began dating, i started getting out. Going fishing with her, going on dates, getting pets. She inspired me to get a new job, we moved to a nice place that her and her mom decorated, and her dad and I fives up a bit. I started picking up hobbies her dad began teaching me, and her extended family always had something going on, and we all loved each other. I respected myself, and finally becoming a man i wanted to be. All of that is just... gone...

 

It's always "go-to" advice from internet sources and friends/family to say "you were fine before them, you'll be fine after them", but I wasn't fine without her. I believe I'm holding on so hard because i don't WANT to go back to how i was before I was with her. I wasn't unhappy, but I didn't realize that i wasn't happy either until we began going out.

 

Believe it or not this is a common story. Here's the thing though - the fact that you build your life around her and with her might have had a factor in her choosing to end the relationship. Relationships rarely last unless two people have their own established lives outside of the relationship and just date to compliment each other. From what I've experienced women especially tend to only desire to stay with men who have their own lives independent of the relarionship.

 

The problem i read in your posts is that you let this woman define you to an extent. If life is worse without her in it because you fall back into some sad state you were in before you met her... Well then there's your problem right there. Women typically dont find that very attractive.

 

What you should do now is start establishibg improving and enjoying your life without ANY woman in it. Just build yourself up without her, and become more independently happy. You might think this sounds cliche but the truth is if you ever want her to consider coming back or finding a successful relarionship with another woman, you must do this.

[ReaperOfTheGrim]

Believe it or not this is a common story. Here's the thing though - the fact that you build your life around her and with her might have had a factor in her choosing to end the relationship. Relationships rarely last unless two people have their own established lives outside of the relationship and just date to compliment each other. From what I've experienced women especially tend to only desire to stay with men who have their own lives independent of the relarionship.

 

The problem i read in your posts is that you let this woman define you to an extent. If life is worse without her in it because you fall back into some sad state you were in before you met her... Well then there's your problem right there. Women typically dont find that very attractive.

 

What you should do now is start establishibg improving and enjoying your life without ANY woman in it. Just build yourself up without her, and become more independently happy. You might think this sounds cliche but the truth is if you ever want her to consider coming back or finding a successful relarionship with another woman, you must do this.

 

Yes, you're right. That's been the advice I've been hearing since the breakup. That you have to enter a relationship as 2 complete people. I definitely let our life together become precedent over everything elder. I wasn't clingy during the relationship or anything, but life without her seemes unimaginable, only because I, and life, had changed so much from the day we met.

 

It's left me scrambling but not moving at the same time I guess you could say. I lost who i was before we were together, but that was a good thing. I don't think i could have ever anticipated how much it's effected everything in my life. There's no course to set my sails towards anymore. Life feels purposeless and directionless now. From the most mundane tasks like mowing the yard and washing the dishes to things like going to work, and grocery shopping. All of it feels entirely pointless now. Its almost as if I was doing all those things for her all along, and didn't realize it.

[jamili]

Yes, you're right. That's been the advice I've been hearing since the breakup. That you have to enter a relationship as 2 complete people. I definitely let our life together become precedent over everything elder. I wasn't clingy during the relationship or anything, but life without her seemes unimaginable, only because I, and life, had changed so much from the day we met.

 

It's left me scrambling but not moving at the same time I guess you could say. I lost who i was before we were together, but that was a good thing. I don't think i could have ever anticipated how much it's effected everything in my life. There's no course to set my sails towards anymore. Life feels purposeless and directionless now. From the most mundane tasks like mowing the yard and washing the dishes to things like going to work, and grocery shopping. All of it feels entirely pointless now. Its almost as if I was doing all those things for her all along, and didn't realize it.

 

Yup you might have been doing it for her all along. Mind you there is nothing inherently "wrong" with this... its just that most women hate it.

 

It does sound like she had some positive influence on you throughout the relationship, and you improved from what you used to be, partly because of her, and that's good. You are still that improved person now, and you can take that with you moving forward and keep being this improved version of yourself even without her.

 

I get the whole purpose thing. I too once was in a relationship close to a decade and we had grown together tremendously and built our lives together. I know how it feels to get out of that feeling like this life you built is now just completely gone and you feel like you lost everything. Its the worst feeling.

 

But just realize that is how you likely ended up in this place. If you want to have a successful, lasting relationship, you need to change your ways and live life for you. Sounds cliche, i know. But the thing is if you dont follow that advice, the next girl will leave you again once she senses you are living for her.

[ReaperOfTheGrim]

Yup you might have been doing it for her all along. Mind you there is nothing inherently "wrong" with this... its just that most women hate it.

 

It does sound like she had some positive influence on you throughout the relationship, and you improved from what you used to be, partly because of her, and that's good. You are still that improved person now, and you can take that with you moving forward and keep being this improved version of yourself even without her.

 

I get the whole purpose thing. I too once was in a relationship close to a decade and we had grown together tremendously and built our lives together. I know how it feels to get out of that feeling like this life you built is now just completely gone and you feel like you lost everything. Its the worst feeling.

 

But just realize that is how you likely ended up in this place. If you want to have a successful, lasting relationship, you need to change your ways and live life for you. Sounds cliche, i know. But the thing is if you dont follow that advice, the next girl will leave you again once she senses you are living for her.

 

I don't even know what that means man. I feel like... lost. I don't even know what i enjoy doing, or what it means to do things for myself alone. It's like I'm having an identity crises or something. Since the breakup, weekdays had consisted of stopping by McDonald's, getting home, dribbling beer and paying video games. It's all I can do to prevent breaking down in nostalgia while being home, and sometimes that doesn't even work. On weekends I try planning things to do, but even when doing these things, I can't stop thinking about her being with me, having fun doing what I'm doing.

 

It's been 3 freaking months and I'm still like this. Am I nuts?? Friends and family tell me, "Well she's got a bf and moved on, she doesn't deserve being on your mind all the time, because you're not on hers", or "Its a blessing in disguise, because it's out of your hands, and all you cam do now is move on". I mean.. I know that. I knew it was inevitable. It seems like that just makes me think of her and miss her more though.