Reconciliation? How?

[ReaperOfTheGrim]

Yeah I didn't. Lol. I was washing my truck when they got here. Chatted with her dad most of the time, we've always gotten along great. Talked a little with her about her new dog, the neighbors and afew other things, but there was very little between us, and it felt slightly awkward. I put on a brave face and kept it light and funny with a fake smile with all of us. She got in her dad's truck when I was telling him bye before I could tell her bye. Now she's gone, and I'm outside staring at the grass smoking cigarettes. I really wish I wouldn't have been here...

[Ronni_W]

I really wish I wouldn't have been here...

Well...yeah! Who'd actually WISH or want to be in that situation??? We already knew that it wasn't gonna be any fun and was gonna be a whole lotta awkward. (Right?)

 

The point is that you faced and got through it like a man .

 

Given her attitude/action of how she departed, sending her a letter or email of any kind -- to enlighten or explain or whatever -- is just not gonna be a good move on your part.

 

From over there, you can surely read the signs far more clearly than I can, from over here. My sign is about twelve storeys high, in fire-engine-red neon. What's the sign looking like, to you???

[jamili]

Sounds like you handled that really well! Well done! There is no question that you have resolve, strength, and frame, and she will not forget that. You still have her respect and, honestly, sounds like you did everything right and nothing to "lower the chances " of her coming back someday. Now all you can do is move on with your life without her. It will definitely be a long while before she would come back, so dont put your life on hold. In a few more months maybe you will feel capable of dating again - i recommend it. Pat yourself on the back, you handled this like a man.

[ReaperOfTheGrim]

Thank you guys for the kind words. It's nice to hear it all from perspectives outside of my head, and how different they come out from others that haven't sunk time into overthinking it all, and regretting not doing things that I probably shouldn't have done.

 

I recently heard from my sister who's remained friends with her that she's moved into the house of a dishwasher at a restaurant she does the hiring for. And that this guy apparently snorts pills, and drops her off/picks her up at work using her car before running around town picking up drugs and Lord knows what else. She also bought a new dog of the same breed that we shared with him. 5 years replaced in a matter of a month and a half. I guess this should piss me off, and help me move on. Right now all it does is open up a whole new set of emotions of feeling replaced.

 

I need to come to terms with the fact that I'll never stop wanting her. I know that. But it's unintentionally waiting for her car to pull up in the driveway that's killing me right now.

[dumbass2]

You really need to tell your sister to please not tell you anything about her going forward. Also, yes, you will stop wanting her. You wont forget about the times you had together, but you will get to a point sometime down the road where you wont care about her coming back or not. Hearing about what she is doing though is not going to help. NC will help you heal and move forward, but if you do low contact then it will be harder and take longer. You did well when she came over with her dad.

[ReaperOfTheGrim]

You really need to tell your sister to please not tell you anything about her going forward. Also, yes, you will stop wanting her. You wont forget about the times you had together, but you will get to a point sometime down the road where you wont care about her coming back or not.

 

Yeah, I really think my sister believes that if I hear about the negative things going on in her life, it'll make it easier for me to move on, and feel like I'm "winning". I'd be lieing if I said I didn't get a a bizarre relief out of it though. Don't ask me why. I've NEVER been the type of person to get a sense of joy out of something negative going on in someone's life.

 

And maybe you're right. Maybe I will start detaching at some point, and stop wanting her the way she's seemed to have done within weeks after (or even before) the end of the relationship. But right now man, I just can't see it.

 

After seeing her behavior when they stopped by the house this weekend, I told myself internally (as per the advice on this forum) that it's about time that I extinguish all remaining hope I still have buried inside. This is one of the hardest things I've done thus far. It almost feels like I'm being broken up with again, and it's bringing these impulses to the surface of wanting to call/text her, and tell her I know everything I did wrong and beg for her to come back and continue building our life together. Obviously it's been a struggle not doing these things since day one, but the desire to do so has never been as strong as it's been the last 2 days.

 

I'm trying to stick it somewhere in my head that if I really want her back, the only way it can happen is if I let her go and move on with life and possibly reconnect in the future when we're both healed. I know that's almost filling me up with another form of false hope, but if it helps me get through this and sleep at night, I feel i need to do it. It hasn't helped anyway though.

[Raina314]

Yeah, I really think my sister believes that if I hear about the negative things going on in her life, it'll make it easier for me to move on, and feel like I'm "winning". I'd be lieing if I said I didn't get a a bizarre relief out of it though. Don't ask me why. I've NEVER been the type of person to get a sense of joy out of something negative going on in someone's life.

It kinda can't be helped, at least at first. It doesn't mean you're a bad person, but it's 100% natural to want to feel like you added positive value to the life of a person you love. Them not doing as well, in whatever aspect it may be, after you're gone, is often the closest thing you can get to a confirmation that you did in fact add that value and are missed, whether the person realizes it or not.

 

And maybe you're right. Maybe I will start detaching at some point, and stop wanting her the way she's seemed to have done within weeks after (or even before) the end of the relationship. But right now man, I just can't see it.

You will. It might take months, or even a year+. You may not get over her completely and carry tender feelings for her until someone better comes along, but the seemingly endless desire will become less intense and then the tender feelings become significantly more manageable. I felt the exact same way you did after my ex left and was sure the pain would never end, and while the feelings still haven't died, I've been able to go on and live a happy and full life that doesn't involve constantly thinking about him. You don't have to see it right now, but it will happen naturally. Don't force it. Let yourself think about her. All you have right now is you and trying to completely repress/deny something that's still there is less helpful than you might think. The last thing you need is to be at war with yourself.

 

 

I'm trying to stick it somewhere in my head that if I really want her back, the only way it can happen is if I let her go and move on with life and possibly reconnect in the future when we're both healed. I know that's almost filling me up with another form of false hope, but if it helps me get through this and sleep at night, I feel i need to do it. It hasn't helped anyway though.

 

If it does help you sleep at night right now, that's okay. The heart wants what the heart wants and you can't expect to just reverse those desires and feelings because they're no longer convenient. I found that the best way to feeling better was to acknowledge what I felt and make peace with them. I was at war with myself for months trying to tell myself I shouldn't feel what I felt, and it made me really angry with myself and made me feel more and more out of control. When I just accepted that I still loved this guy, I did feel a bit pathetic at first, but once I stopped policing myself so much the thoughts of him, while still present sometimes, stopped consuming my life. Even though I get lonely once in a while now, I feel more whole and at peace than I have in a long time. I look forward to getting up on the weekends and doing little things like cleaning my house. If I happen to think to myself "man, I miss him, maybe someday he'll come back" it doesn't ruin my day and I can go on being productive. I can even smile and flirt with other guys again.

 

Sorry for the long rant, but this was the most valuable thing I learned from my experience and I hope it can help someone else too. It'll hurt for a while, but you will, at the very least, find peace again.

[Jatli]

Trust me on this one you need to back away from her for awhile. Let her miss you. She can't miss you if you are not gone.

 

I went through everything you are going through and it was pure agony. I got up every morning and every morning I wondered how I did it. But you just gotta keep truckin on.

 

I went through hell for a year then I started feeling a little better day by day and started smiling again. My friends told me I didn't look so sad anymore and I started living again.

 

After 15 long months he started coming around and we started talking again. Eventually we started hanging out again. We have now been back together for over a year and things are good between us. It's not the same relationship but it's good and we are happy.

 

I went through all you are going through I tried talking to him. I sent letters. I did everything you are not supposed to do and nothing worked. I finally just gave up and knew I had to accept what was and try to move on. When I finally felt normal again thst is when he came back.

 

It actually made me a stronger person and I got to know me again. I know what I want and what I expect and know I don't need anyone to make me happy. I know I can get by on my own and I will be fine. I am just happy to share my life with him again.

 

So take this time to get to know you again. It is so worth it.

[ReaperOfTheGrim]

Jeez... I have to say, it's actually incredibly refreshing to see all these things I'm feeling AREN'T uncommon. I've been through afew heartbrakes in the past, but this is by and far the worst. I mean, It's common sense that breakups, specifically being left in a ltr when you think things aren't as bad as they are, isn't fun and is going to hurt. But the details, like no appetite, absolutely no interest in the opposite sex, the difficulty sleeping and waking up, i really felt all these things were unique and had me wondering if something was wrong with me, and maybe evidence of an underlying mental/attatchment disorder (which I'm still not convinced isn't the case).

 

The balancing act in my mind every minute of the day on whether I should, or whether I shouldn't tell her I miss her, or write her a note, is what fills my mind at places like work, in the shower, even at the bank when I see I'll have a little more money I could spend on us going out to eat, or going out of town. I've gotten into the habit of thinking out exactly what I'd love to write her in detail

Writing a long mental note that I "plan" to put to paper. Usually that will take enough time for my mind to drift elsewhere, into a memory or into some plans we had together, and the temptation to contact her is gone temporarily.

 

I know Valentine's day will be a struggle. I know I'm going to want to send a simple, non-intrusive text message wishing her a happy valentine's day. I've got half that obviously tells me not to do it. That it'll show her that she's not in my life anymore and doesn't get part of my mind on that day anymore (even though you guys clearly know better) and it'll make me appear needy/desperate blah blah blah. But the other half tells me that, after 5 years together, it's obvious she's going to cross my mind at some point in the day, and there's nothing wrong with being emotionally honest about it.

 

^^ this is the "insanity" that's new to me after a breakup. Thinking about sending a text a week in advance.

[Raina314]

Yeah, it is a little insane but you're definitely not alone and it doesn't necessarily mean you have a disorder. Especially since you seem very self-aware. You know this is nuts. It's not like you think this way normally. It can happen to the best of us and I sure as hell know it happened to me. I had dozens of those plans you just described drafted out in my email to keep me from calling him.

 

^Like Jatli, it's been about 15 months for me and even though I didn't send any letters or texts, my ex did eventually come back around and now we're friends again and things are good for now. I don't know what, if anything, will come of it, but I know that even this much wouldn't have been possible if we hadn't had all that time and space apart. I needed time to not be a crazy woman and regain some self-respect.

 

I'd say it's beneficial for you to be at your best when your ex does see you again. Because that's the part of you they miss most. Also, if you seem like you're about to break down every time you see them, they might feel guilty and avoid you for that reason. No one wants to be reminded of a time they hurt someone they cared about. If they see that you're okay and not falling apart at the seams in their presence, they might feel more okay about spending time with you since it won't be a constant guilt trip.

 

For now, you just have to take a deep breath and get through every day one by one, even if every second is a struggle. It could take a long time and it might help to see a therapist, but you will get to a point where you're more at peace with yourself and can talk to her again.

[Ronni_W]

But the other half tells me that, after 5 years together, it's obvious she's going to cross my mind at some point in the day, and there's nothing wrong with being emotionally honest about it.

No; this 'voice' is just the part of your brain that tries to rationalize and justify and find excuses for you to do what you already know would be against your own best interest - but you really want to do it, anyway.

 

Do NOT discount, deny or ignore your own inner wisdom, and knowledge that you have learned through hard experience!!!

Don't do it, ReaperOfTheGrim; don't listen to that part of your brain that is just trying to BS you and keep you stuck.

 

Stay strong!

[duncsvoice]

Man, I feel for you.

 

I was going through the same exactly a year ago today, and I was an absolute wreck (and was how I came across LoveShack). My fiance left me, and my cats, and I was not good.

 

There's gotta be a secret word you can say to get her to love you again, right? Writing that letter seems like such a great idea, doesn't it!? All those years together has to mean something?

 

DO NOT write the letter. KEEP no contact - for YOUR SAKE, not to make her miss you, it just won't work. Work on yourself, for YOU, not for anyone else.

 

There's no way around grief, sooner or later you're just going to have to go through it but you come out the other side infinitely better.

 

A little timeline of how it went for me;

 

0 - 3 months - utter grief, almost impossible to keep it together, wrote THE letter - because I was absolutely out of my mind, it did not go well.

 

3 - 5 months - decided nothing good was coming out of seeing her. Worked on my social life, joined the gym. Started to feel ok!

 

5 - 7 months - Hadn't spoken to her, missed her a bit but whatever. Was dating a bit, built my confidence, got in to really good shape. Worked on personal projects.

 

Around 10 months later - So, so happy being single. Had no interest in her, whatsoever. Met a girl around Halloween.

 

One year later - Blissfully happy, the girl I met is wonderful.

 

What you're going through is absolutely horrible mate, I've never been in such a dark place, but I promise just keep no contact, puff your chest out and work on yourself. You'll get there.

[Jatli]

What I did to take the pain away was write in a journal. I wrote a letter to him everyday in that journal went through three journals before I stopped.

 

I also changed his name in my phone to "Do Not Call Him" so that if I was tempted I saw that and it really made me think and I did not call or text.

 

I know it's so very hard and you are wondering if she is thinking of you and what if I just leave this one message so she doesn't forget about me and maybe it might make her think of me again.

 

I know all of that. It doesn't work. She is not going to forget you. Have you ever forgotten anyone you have met? Let alone had a relationship with? No. So don't worry. In order for her to truly miss you, you have to be gone. Then she will start to wonder.

 

If she is going to come back it has to be her decision. Nothing you say or do is going to make that happen unless she wants it to.

 

The best thing you can do right now is get up every morning, tell yourself to breathe and begin another day. Take it one day at a time and before you know it you will be planning a future. Whether she is part of that remains to be seen but you just have to continue and you will find that one day you can smile again.

 

Hugs to you

[Marc878]

Thank you guys for the kind words. It's nice to hear it all from perspectives outside of my head, and how different they come out from others that haven't sunk time into overthinking it all, and regretting not doing things that I probably shouldn't have done.

 

I recently heard from my sister who's remained friends with her that she's moved into the house of a dishwasher at a restaurant she does the hiring for. And that this guy apparently snorts pills, and drops her off/picks her up at work using her car before running around town picking up drugs and Lord knows what else. She also bought a new dog of the same breed that we shared with him. 5 years replaced in a matter of a month and a half. I guess this should piss me off, and help me move on. Right now all it does is open up a whole new set of emotions of feeling replaced.

 

I need to come to terms with the fact that I'll never stop wanting her. I know that. But it's unintentionally waiting for her car to pull up in the driveway that's killing me right now.

 

Maybe now you can understand why you got dumped. She was seeing him before your breakup.

 

You'll get over her as soon as you take her off the pedestal you have her on.

 

Letters pouring out your heart always sound like a great idea but they never work BTW.

[Pumpingiron34]

Ugh dude, reading this **** just puts me in pain but for your sake ill tell you do not write the letter. I did that at like 8 months when she gave me some false hope showing up at my house. Guess what it did? literally nothing besides destroy my dignity. She did not respond nothing at all. I know the pain man lol same thing with me five years left me for another dude, actually a couple of them. The pain was so brutal at times id just laugh sitting there because of the amount of pain that was inside me. I will say though its been about 10 months now and things are getting better. I go like 3 days on days off lol. I figure another two months and ill be even better. Please, for me do not write that letter. One more thing i just gotta add, i hated Kurt Cobain and nirvana but in these last ten months i dont think i would of made it with out them truly gained appreciation for why he is a legend. Thats just one of my survival tips ive learned, who knows might help you to. Any music in general helps.

[Been]

If you contact her in ANY way you'll drive her further away. No contact.

[Been]

And I'm going to tell you something that your going to think Is mean but its not.

First. She doesn't come over to see the dog anymore. She chose to leave so let HER figure that out.

Second. Get her stuff out NOW. Not when she feels like it. Call her dad if you must and arrange a meeting to get her stuff.

[Been]

Im sorry your going through this. When your SO stops being intimate that's usually a sure sign someone else is involved.

Now I think I know the real reason why she hasn't got her stuff out yet-by delaying it if it doesn't workout with the other person she has an excuse to contact you about her stuff. Don't allow that.

Everyone makes mistakes in a relationship that they really didn't mean to do. BUT what your ex did was not a mistake-it was a CHOICE for her to cheat on you and quickly move on with another man. Remember that.

[ReaperOfTheGrim]

Im sorry your going through this. When your SO stops being intimate that's usually a sure sign someone else is involved.

Now I think I know the real reason why she hasn't got her stuff out yet-by delaying it if it doesn't workout with the other person she has an excuse to contact you about her stuff. Don't allow that.

Everyone makes mistakes in a relationship that they really didn't mean to do. BUT what your ex did was not a mistake-it was a CHOICE for her to cheat on you and quickly move on with another man. Remember that.

 

The problem with intimacy was soley on my end, not her. And i know she had prospects waiting in the wings during the initial few days of us splitting up. Once things started heading downhill, I got curious and checked the phone records. There was a guy she was talking to during the last 2 weeks together. The guy she's "hanging out" with now is a different person. Whether she physically cheated on me or not, I'll never know.

[ReaperOfTheGrim]

My ex left me December 2'nd. I was in limited contact for the first 2 1/2 months and discussed issues only pertaining to the dog we shared together, but she got a new puppy, and love interest, and ignored my last offer to let her see our dog about 2 weeks ago, so it will be strict No Contact from here on out.

 

All that being said however, I still find that I'm shocking myself back into realizing how alone I am now all day everyday. I still feel like i can call her, like she's "coming home later", and that we're still together. When being invited places, I think in terms of "would she want to go ", and sometimes even respond saying "I'll have to see what natalie says", which is always awkward and kind of breaks me every time I do it. Even making plans to do something that I should find fun is too painful when I think about doing it alone.

 

I know depression is the third step,with anger being the second, but I don't know if I skipped it, or haven't reached it yet, but I'm really not angry with her at all. Just with myself. There are of course the "how in the *** could she do this" moments, when I found out she was hooking up with different guys after the break up, but those thoughts never last. The depression stage is definitely there in 100% full force though.

 

Emotions are aaallll over the place, as is to be expected. There are times where I even feel like I slip into "acceptance" (a very very painful form of it at least) , where I feel like i know it's over, but even then, the feelings of her being there, like I'm still in a relationship ALWAYS always always there. Going on dates hasent helped in the least.

 

I'm still crazy head over heels in love with this woman, and am finding it very hard to live without her. I've decided that I WILL contact her later in life. This "love interest " I spoke about, I'm not worried about in the least. He's definitely nothing long term. Maybe 6 months down the road, I'll revisit the idea of reconnecting if I feel I'm healed enough. Or I'll look at things differently and hate her. That'd be nice too...

Edited February 25, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language ~T

[BC1980]

First, all of the feelings you described are normal. So don't worry.

 

Second, those stages of grief are not linear. You bounce around between them until you reach acceptance. For me in particular, it took a long time to feel angry. I think it took me about a year to ever feel true anger, and, even then, I didn't stay angry very long. It wasn't rage either. I was more or less depressed for much longer than I was ever angry. So it's just different for everyone.

 

You sound like you are still in the denial/shock phase, which makes sense because you've only been NC for 2 weeks. You're still getting used to the immediate life changes, like still thinking in terms of being part of a couple. Like you said, you still think about calling her and when she's coming home. All of that is so normal, and it will fade with time. I remember almost taking the route home from work back to my ex's house months after we broke up. It was completely involuntary. That kind of stuff pops up at weird times.

 

Acceptance was actually not what I thought it would be. Acceptance is when you no longer think about your ex very often, and, if you do, it's just a passing thought. You aren't emotionally crippled by the thoughts, and you aren't sent down a rabbit hole of "what it?" You are more or less uninterested in your ex and the relationship you once had. I'd really recommend a book called "Getting Past Your Breakup" by Susan Elliot because it goes into detail about the grief process after a breakup/divorce. It's really insightful and tells you what to expect.

[SevenCity]

To echo what was said this is completely normal. The stages are not linear and you can flip back and forth.

 

I went from shock, to anger, to depression, to denial, to anger, to denial, to depression and back to denial. And this was over a 6 month period and continues still.

 

It has gotten easier with time. The first several months I was having suicidal thoughts and crippling depression.

 

My therapist said something to me that is a little worrisome. She said that unless I find someone with a similar set of qualities that I will never really get over it. I think this is true. Anytime I've had my heart broken I've always managed to find someone better. Once you've found the best you've ever had its hard to think that there is better still.

 

But it does get easier with time. I know you probably won't agree but try not to think about "in 6 months I'll call her" as it will cause you to put your life on hold. The sad truth is nothing you can say or do will bring her back. If she is to come back it will be of her own accord.

 

And say she does? What is to prevent her from doing it again? Would you be able to deal with the thoughts of her with another man having a blast while you are crying yourself to sleep every night? Will you be able to ever fully trust her again?

 

This will likely be the most difficult thing you go through in your life (until the next one). Hopefully you'll become a better person but you will likely never love that free again as your mind will try to protect you from this pain in the future.

 

Hang in there bro.

[ReaperOfTheGrim]

I'd really recommend a book called "Getting Past Your Breakup" by Susan Elliot because it goes into detail about the grief process after a breakup/divorce. It's really insightful and tells you what to expect.

 

I almost bought that book awhile back, but I was still in the "I've got to get her back" phase (which is still kind of present unfortunately) so opted for corey Wayne's How to be a 3 Percent Man instead,which was a good buy. But Susan Elliotts will certainly be my next purchase.

 

This isn't my first heartbreak, but it's by FAR the worst. Shopping for engagement rings literally the week before the split; it obviously blindsided me. Is it uncommon that, after 3 months, she's still on my mind every second of the day? 15 seconds is maybe the longest Ive gone without thinking about her until I start drinking after I get off work, and even then she's always there. I've learned that alot of the things I've been experiencing are actually fairly common amongst those suffering from a heartbreak, and although the emotions are less intense as they were at the beginning, I'm starting to worry I may have some kind of problem because she's on my mind so much. Not just the typical "I wonder what she's doing right now" thoughts, but memories, what it means that she's gone, how much life is different in a much worse way without her, and just HER in general. There's no distracting myself at ALL. Is This normal or should I seek professional help?

[Shehulk]

I know exactly how you feel. My relationship ended 3 weeks ago and i feel like he's on a vacation and we cant talk for the moment. Like guys ask me out and i say not (i believe that if i say yess to dating i need to be ok if/when he does it and im am far from that so) and in my head i just know that at some point, un a month, in 3 month wtv i will be telling him the story of when X guy asked me out and said no... its like he's only gone for a while and it really does suck because i know its all in my head and he's not coming back.....

[BC1980]

My therapist said something to me that is a little worrisome. She said that unless I find someone with a similar set of qualities that I will never really get over it. I think this is true. Anytime I've had my heart broken I've always managed to find someone better. Once you've found the best you've ever had its hard to think that there is better still.

 

This is probably more true than most of us want to admit. I think it's natural that we want to couple up, experience love, and share our lives with someone. I don't think that being single is particularly natural or what most people want. There are some people that genuinely want to remain single and are happier that way, but they are outliers. And a lot of those people seem to have been severely traumatized or scarred by a past relationship to the point that real intimacy is a scary thing.

 

But I think that the vast majority of us seek the companionship that only a relationship can provide. Being single is lonely, and we're wired to seek close companionship. This is not to say that people can't be happy while single and searching for partner, but it is to say that I do think people struggle to find genuine happiness while single. And I think that is normal and shouldn't be minimized.