Trying to save marriage after wife's affair

[BuddyX]

Stop giving her info (about DDay). Did she ever gave you a heads up about the affair? Thought so

[Bryanp]

You made a huge mistake telling your wife that the OM's wife will have her D Day tomorrow. Your wife will contact him beforehand and he will spend some story that you are some crazed lunatic. God God. Why would you tell this to your wife beforehand? Absolutely crazy to do so.

[Simple Logic]

Here goes...I have been reading the site for the past 7 months but this is the first time Im posting. On June 27th I noticed a lot of very long phone calls to and from the same number on my bill. When I asked I asked my wife who It was she immediately told me she had been talking to her ex husband. She was married for only 6 months to him and we are married for 21 yrs together 25. It started when my son needed a sign for his eagle scout project and my wife said that her ex was in the business and that he may be willing to donate the sign. I wasn't at all threatened by him and trusted my wife so he made the sign handed it to my son and me on my driveway and I sent him a thank you. Well they started communicating after that . I immediately called him when she told me it was him and asked him what the f8ck business did he have talking to my wife. He gave me some bull**** that his oldest child had a drug problem and they where just talking. I called his BS and said I aint stupid you have been talking to her for 9 months. I immediately called my wife and told her she broke my heart. Packed some cloths and left. She kept calling but I wouldn't answer. I was parked behind the mall crying my eyes out for hours. Finally she had my 2 sons start calling me asking where I was and to come home. I decided I couldn't have my kids worrying about me so I returned. We talked and then had sex I held her and made love to her and she started hysterically crying in the middle of it. After I went into a downward spiral where I cried everyday most of the time. I could barely function in my job or think clearly at all. Each day I awoke with the same pit in my stomach and and anxiety and depression set in. She told me she wouldn't talk to him anymore but she was lying. She watched me go from a Scoutmaster, Manager of 30 people at work and very accomplished in many areas(true renaissance Man) to a broken shell of myself. I was truelly broken doubting everything that was good in my life for the past 25 years. I have 2 sons one in college and 1 that's 18. Needless to say I couldn't eat or sleep for 7 months.. I ate but had no appetite. About a month after D day I found out(from a friend) that He came down to Atlantic city when she was on a girls overnight trip. Now I was completely crushed...how could she watch me shattered and broken and still see him. That hurt the most. I know I made a lot of mistakes after DDay. I clinged I pleaded I begged. I confronted him and almost ripped his throat out. I had no anger really towards my wife and never raised my voice through out the whole thing except for when I found out about atlantic city. I did do some damage to some drywall on that occasion. I love my wife with all my heart and am trying to save my marriage. I started journaling and writing poetry(never had before)...I also noticed that the affair had changed who I was as a person. My EGO was gone and I felt myself becoming very in tune with my emotions. It stripped my down to my true identity. I was soft spoken had empathy for her and everyone in the world. I was always a good person but this was real change(not temporary). I have been trying everything softball ,hardball, nice weekend trips, date nights to try to get her to open her heart. Its been 7 months since DDay. She says she loves me but isn't in love with me. She says she doesnt know herself anymore. So we are still living together and I am doing all of the heavy lifting to try and save the marriage. She and I have has gone to IC and a few sessions of couples therapy. I am here today because I don't know what to do anymore. Its like she is coated in Teflon. I love her with all my heart and want to grow old with her. Ive owned all my **** and all the mistakes that I made in our relationship.(the new improved me made this very easy). I have approached this situation putting in an enormous amount of work educating myself this has really consumed me. I ask if she is still seeing him and she says no. She says shes trying and loves me but she isn't doing anything to reassure me. My life has been an internal hell under my fake smile. Im at the point where I pick up on all the little idiosycracies or missing affection. We were in separate beds for about 3 months with no sex. We now are back in same room but I just feel something is missing... please help me Im broken...My pressure is 180 over 100 now so im seeing the physical effects of the stress. Why cant she recommit? I wasn't the one who cheated and she has turned the whole thing around on me. Thanks Everyone and sorry for the long post

 

2+1 is always going to result in 3. You can do the math all you want, but the result will be 3 until you subract 1. The meeting in Atlantic City is proof your wife is not going to do the subtraction.

[Marc878]

thank you Ann its so hard for me to believe she could be this heartless.. she has had 7 months to recommit to the marriage and i think the only reason she hasnt is because she is still seeing him...that is my gut feeling. I keep coming back to that. She has a great life, big house no mortgage, new car every 3 years, unlimited spending, 2 wonderful sons both Eagle Scouts, and while I have my flaws I would consider myself a great provider father and husband. It makes no sense I forgave her and told her i just wanted her to be happy whether with me or without but she still fence sits..I just keep coming back to him as the reason in my heart of hearts. I need to take a stand. I texted her tonight that tomorrow is his wifes Dday that im ringing the bell and we are going to have a long conversation. I cant believe the deceit that she is capable of. Im new to this as it has never happened to me before so I made alot of mistakes early and continued to this day but Im ready to follow everyones advice..

 

You warned your wife who will warn her other man who will do damage control with his wife. Example: you are a crazy jealous husband and your wife will back him up.

 

Exposure should be done without warning!!!! Better start thinking before you act.

[BluesPower]

First at some point the kids will have to know. They are adults and the deserve to know that mom broke up the family. Some will disagree but they are not KIDS that are old enough to know.

 

Yes you wife is still involved with him, no doubt. The ex's wife has to be told with out a doubt and everyone that you know. Exposure will stop the affair.

 

Dude, there is nothing to save here, nothing. It is time to be a man and get her out of your life as much as you can.

 

She not only had an affair but she continued it after D-day and continued to rip your heart out. She does not love you in any way. She has 0 respect for you.

 

You need to file for divorce next week, and you need to go for the throat. Get everything you can and leave her with as little as you can.

 

Right now you are still in shock even though is has been 7 months.

 

You just have to figure a way to be strong in this, for yourself. You have already almost let it destroy you. Man, no woman is worth that, not one in the world.

 

Tell the ex's wife ASAP and file now. It is the only thing you can do.

[Marc878]

Hard 180!!!!! You're trying to manipulate your wife with threats which is weak. You can't make her do anything you can only control and fix yourself. Get out of the infidelity. Move her out of your bedroom, take off your ring, etc

 

Actions speak louder than words and it shows strength.

[Marc878]

If you're smart you'll call his wife now before they go to cover.

[lostNbroken1964]

thanks Blues i have read many of your comments over the last 7 months..I value your insight and will take your advice.. What information do i need to file? is it a long process to get the paper work completed? was trying to avoid putting my kids through what i went through as i 14 yr old when my dad abandon us. I still have those wounds today at 53. I just figured she would take the second chance I offered her and help save the marriage but she put no effort into it while i did all the hard work educating myself going to therapy and being a better husband and father...just feel in my gut if he didnt have his claws in her she would have recommitted to our marriage by now. SHe says Ive become the perfect man now because ive been stripped down to my core(who I really am deep inside). Thanks again my brother for your sage advice

[Marc878]

thanks Blues i have read many of your comments over the last 7 months..I value your insight and will take your advice.. What information do i need to file? is it a long process to get the paper work completed? was trying to avoid putting my kids through what i went through as i 14 yr old when my dad abandon us. I still have those wounds today at 53. I just figured she would take the second chance I offered her and help save the marriage but she put no effort into it while i did all the hard work educating myself going to therapy and being a better husband and father...just feel in my gut if he didnt have his claws in her she would have recommitted to our marriage by now. SHe says Ive become the perfect man now because ive been stripped down to my core(who I really am deep inside). Thanks again my brother for your sage advice

 

You don't get it. The other man was only taking what she was giving. Cheaters lie a lot. They always blame the spouse to justify their actions.

[lostNbroken1964]

theres no covering...i have mountain of evidence...if she know im coming i know she spoke to him in which case its over...they are not to bright to begin with..

[WilyWill]

The problem is that you never showed her any consequences. You just begged her to come back, letting her know that you'd always be there. She decided the status quo was fine. She could keep seeing the other man, and you'd keep paying her bills. She lost respect for you, and as a result lost attraction for you.

 

It's time to take a stand. No more threats to try to manipulate her into desiring you. This doesn't work.

 

File for divorce. See an attorney tomorrow. Start spending time out of the house. Inform the other man's wife and make sure you keep your composure so that she sees you are rational (and not the delusional lunatic her husband has warned her about). If you have any concrete proof (emails, photos, etc.) share them with his wife.

 

Those who go "scorched earth" on their cheating spouse have better results than those who just sit and cry on the sidelines.

 

Tell the children exactly why you're filing for divorce, before she gets a chance to spin it her own way. Ask them if they'd be willing to take paternity tests to verify that you're their father. Your wife will balk when she hears this. But how could she be justified in her indignation? She's been an accomplished liar and a cheat for many months now, so she's put her credibility in question for the entire span of your relationship.

[BluesPower]

OK, thank god you are listening.

 

First, you have to get in contact and tell his wife. She deserves to know everything that you know. Everything.

 

Second, you have to see a lawyer tomorrow if you can. Most offer a free consultation but at this point you really do not care about money.

 

They will tell you want to do. I would bring both SS numbers and all information about all of your investment and all your accounts.

 

Third, do not talk to your wife at all. If you have to go to a hotel the do it. Do not tell her what you are doing until she gets served papers by the court.

 

Forth, MOVE OUT OF THE BEDROOM AND DO NOT HAVE ANY SEX WITH HER AT ALL. You have to begin to detach. She will ask what is going on, DO NOT TALK TO HER ABOUT ANY OF IT.

 

Fifth, do the hard 180, look it up. Short of talking about the one son that is home, talk to her about nothing other than that.

 

Sixth, after she gets served the divorce papers, you have to tell your boys. The shame and pain that she will feel for letting them down will be painful to watch, but she deservers every bit of that pain that it will inflict on her. The boys do not deserve it but she is the one that caused it.

 

Do not give her 1 cent more than the minimum that she is entitled to. If she cannot afford the house, she can move out. Tough sh**.

 

Listen, I know how hard this is, most have been there. But this is what you have to do in order to live the rest of your life in some type of happiness.

 

Let me tell you this, the weight that will lift off your shoulders when you put this stuff into action is so immense that you will not believe it. I am just about to finish my divorce and she will be gone.

 

Men like us are a hot commodity if our dating pool. I currently have a collection of girlfriends that I spend time with, and life is just so wonderful I could S*** myself. You will not believe what it is like.

 

If you have any other questions or whatever, post or PM me if you want to.

[lostNbroken1964]

mark, this **** is new to me...like i said im tryingg regain some of my power and hopefully self worth and fortitude..i know i made some mistake ive been a wreck the last 7 months. Poor diet anxiety depression sleep depravation and now BP 180 over 100 all while doing a high pressure job in finance. ive been in survival mode going through this alone for the most part...you know this **** aint easy

[lostNbroken1964]

how do i pm you Blues?

[BluesPower]

If you have that on our account you just click on my username and select send a message.

 

If you don't have that yet, it is like 25$ a year to upgrade.

 

And that is if you don't want to post questions on your thread.

 

Whatever you need, I am here.

[Marc878]

mark, this **** is new to me...like i said im tryingg regain some of my power and hopefully self worth and fortitude..i know i made some mistake ive been a wreck the last 7 months. Poor diet anxiety depression sleep depravation and now BP 180 over 100 all while doing a high pressure job in finance. ive been in survival mode going through this alone for the most part...you know this **** aint easy

 

I'm in finance too! I know the feeling. Sorry you're here. Use the wisdom/info that suits your needs to develope a plan

 

You can't fix her. You can fix yourself.

 

No one is or can be prepared for what you're going through. I can tell you this the more you chase the further away she'll move.

 

Take yourself out of the equation. Go out with friends, visit family. Join a gym and workout. Walk or run a bit. One day at a time. But above all do it for yourself. Not her. At your age you're a catch. You have value.

 

Upgrade your wardrobe, keep your hair cut. Look and smell good. You'll be amazed. Hard 180.

 

When you let yourself be taken for granted they don't see who you are.

 

Cut out engaging her. It's got you nothing.

[Marc878]

Down load and read "No More Mr Nice Guy" free PDF download. It's a short read and will open your eyes. Many have benefited from it and you will too

[Marc878]

Read and understand the 180. The best thing for you at this time

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/separation-divorce/406628-critical-readings-separation-divorce

[Marc878]

Start a heathy diet immediately. Cut out excess alcohol, drink lots of water and get exercise.

[lostNbroken1964]

thanks Marc and Blues i feel like i may sleep soundly tonight knowing you guys have my back...im already in a sep. room...thanks again Im so grteatful to have you and i dont even know you...welcome to the race the human race...Semper Fi

[Marc878]

thanks Marc and Blues i feel like i may sleep soundly tonight knowing you guys have my back...im already in a sep. room...thanks again Im so grteatful to have you and i dont even know you...welcome to the race the human race...Semper Fi

 

Remember debits on the left, credits on the right!!!!!

 

Hahahaha. Keep posting you'll get there.

 

All the advice in the world won't do you anygood if you don't use it.

 

You have some homework to read.

[Marc878]

I think you need 50 posts to get PM or check your profile set up

[Marc878]

thanks Marc and Blues i feel like i may sleep soundly tonight knowing you guys have my back...im already in a sep. room...thanks again Im so grteatful to have you and i dont even know you...welcome to the race the human race...Semper Fi

 

We work for beer. Better start saving up. Your tab is getting high.

[Buckeye2]

My son and I are both eagle scouts. We scouts have to stick together. Blues and Marc gave you excellent advice.

 

Let me give you some background so that you can better understand where you stand. The bottom line is that your wife had a division of labor going on. You for all the boring day to day stuff. The OM for fun. The OM (her ex) was probably a bad boy and that’s why the marriage didn’t last. After that she wanted a nice stable guy for a family and found you. Now that the family’s in the bag she can have the bad boy who's still unreliable.

 

Your mistake was repeatedly assuring her that she would never lose what you provided. Her reputation is also probably very important to her and you were never going to tell anyone.

 

If that’s the case why would she ever give up the fun of the OM?

The cards you had to play (i.e. stability, security, family, reputation, etc.) you promised never to use.

 

Instead you tried to use reason, logic and begging. Begging isn’t attractive. Reason and logic don’t win over fun especially if you’re told there will never be a cost for being illogical or unreasonable. You are probably a very solid family man so she took you and what you provide for granted. She thought she would never lose that no matter want and you reaffirmed it.

[Buckeye2]

Unfortunately your story is common. Your wife is around 40 and the kids don’t need her as much anymore. Her identity has been to be a wife and a mother for some time now. Then a guy makes a move on her and makes her feel like a woman and young again. No matter how many times a husband tells his wife how beautiful she is it means more coming from a stranger. Husbands are supposed to say stuff like that.

 

Since the OM was your wife’s ex the following may not apply in your exact situation but it’s good for every husband to read.

 

WRITTEN BY A PLAYER:

My perspective- as a serial cheat. Before I start, I'm no GQ model look alike and I'm not wealthy.

 

For me, it was always about extra sex. The thrill of the chase and ego boost was a plus, but I just wanted more sex than my wife did. I always loved my wife and certainly never ever wanted to leave her or lose her. Especially not over someone else's wayward wife.

 

I had a simple method. I used it because it worked. I targeted married women. I figured they were safer for several important reasons.

1- Less likely to be sleeping around with random guys (STDs).

2- Less likely to pull the crazy girlfriend BS and call my wife.

3- In case of an unwanted pregnancy, I had a built in schmuck to pay the tab and would have claimed to have had a vasectomy.

 

The most important part of being a player is to hide it. I started with shy looks making certain I'd get caught and then doing my best to look embarrassed. If she started to come around more or dress sexier then I'd try a safe compliment. If she called me on my BS (yes, it happened) I simply acted highly offended. After all, I'm a married family man. That usually got me an apology. A few really smart ones just avoided me altogether.

 

If she accepted the compliment, I knew I had a chance. I never ever wasted time with someone that I didn't want to bed. If the compliment was successful, I simply followed with more as time permitted and just let things develop. Who knew where it would go? When she would speak with me about her frustrations with her husband (they always complained about their husband) I used that to my advantage. If they complained that he didn't do enough with the kids, I was dad of the year. If he didn't help out around the house, I did everything at home so my wife didn't have to. Yes, it was complete BS, but so what. My job was to make them feel special, pretty and needed and to paint the fantasy. After all, my goal was not conversation or friendship. I wanted to score.

 

Once things progressed and I had to keep it intense unless it was simply a once and done kind of thing. I would do that by pushing her boundaries for sex. Anal, public hook-up whatever. Keep in mind, I'm in it for the sex so I tried for everything I liked and heard more than once statements like... I never even let my husband do that. That was usually with anal, but sometimes public hook-ups also.

 

I certainly didn't want to be paying for hotel rooms out my pocket. If she wanted to pay, that was fine. Otherwise, we could hook-up anywhere, it didn't matter to me.

 

I always advised them to keep the secret between us, because it was so special. Actually, I didn't want to get busted. If they got busted, and some did. That was their tough crap to deal with. I certainly never vowed to love/honor/cherish them.

 

As I look back, I'm stunned at how easy it was and how many fell for my crap. I had some that would try to pull away and I'd feed them the star crossed lovers BS, you know... kept apart by the cruel hand of fate. That worked like magic to seal the deal. I also used things like I think my wife may have cheated on me. Then I'd work in how I got tested for STDs and it was clear and somehow manage to mention my vasectomy (never had one). Understand? I'm safe, you won't catch anything if you sleep with me and I won't get you pregnant. That was the message.

 

The one thing that sent me running was the fear of getting caught and sometimes I just wanted a quick bang and wasn't in it for a couple of months of an affair. I'm still also amazed by how many didn't see through my crap either. They didn't have to deal with the day to day stresses that adults face with me (finances, mortgages, car payments, child care, time commitments, etc.). With me, it was just fun and sex. The poor bastard at home didn't have a chance once the play was in motion. It also helped me to see him as a douche-bag when his wife whined about him for whatever reason.

 

I work with a woman that has lost everything over an affair with me. The house, husband, family, etc. It's difficult to see. She hates me now, but I never vowed anything to her or forced her to do anything. That's her tough crap. Her kids are in therapy, their grades tanked and she's struggling financially and the kids blame her, etc. Honestly, I wish she'd quit so I didn't have to see her every freaking day.

 

 

I do know a few like me that I consider even worse. They brag and laugh about getting wayward wives to do things and try to get email or text proof to show off. It's pretty easy, just tell her how much he liked doing X with her last night and let her respond. Then they had proof to brag about and trade notes. I didn't do that. I just wanted the sex and avoided the women they talked about. I liked to find the ones who would seem to be the last to ever do anything like this. Goes back to my 3 reasons.

 

I never flirted with a married woman unless I wanted in her pants. Plain and simple, you do have to hide it so they don't see it coming, but it's really that basic. Other players use different methods, but we all use what works and modify sometimes if we're not progressing to try a different angle. Not all women are the same, and sometimes deviations are required if she'll let you in her pants.

 

It was never about love, just sex. I sold the fantasy, yes. But that is all it ever was. A fair trade. They were adults and quite frankly should have known better. Am I a predator, I certainly never thought so and I certainly never thought about what would happen to them when we were done. Yes, all my affairs ended. Most stayed married to their H they *****ed about and screwed around on. Therefore, he must not have been that bad. People just get caught up with unrealistic expectations on life I think. For goodness sake, Prince charming is only charming because he wants a blow job.

 

Before I close, I'll say this as well. An engaged woman would have worked for me also, but I never found one that would go for me. Also, newly married women are much harder to get. I had the best luck with women who had been married for at least several years, throw a kid or two in the mix and they were usually more susceptible to being chased.

 

It was a fair trade. Attention and compliments for sex.