Author lostNbroken1964 Posted February 1, 2017 Author Share Posted February 1, 2017 wow that was to the point...i slept with her because at that point i was stupid enough to believe they were only talking. I see what your saying it hurts but you are on the money...i really dont want anymore answers...I cant get the ones I have out of my mind. If she would show me she wants to save the marriage and put in some effort I could forgive her for everything(never forget but forgive)...Im just a ****in mess and thinking with emotions which from a military standpoint is never good. She has just worn me down. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lostNbroken1964 Posted February 1, 2017 Author Share Posted February 1, 2017 Thanks Pal..i reread it again to wake my sorry ass up Link to post Share on other sites
Vinny1951 Posted February 1, 2017 Share Posted February 1, 2017 As others said, they always try to make it your fault. The weird thing is that if they see you are not going to divorce them, they keep working on you until you start believing them. They know that you are looking for any way to not get divorced. I have known men whose wife's cheating and were caught red handed and still they kept denying it. The poor guy started to believe that what he saw did not actually happen. He did not want it to happen and was in denial. I had a fiancee cheat on me a few months before our wedding. However, I believe in once a cheater, always a cheater. A person's past behavior is a good indicator of their future behavior. Personally I could not live with thinking my wife might be cheating every time she is not with me. My stomach would be in knots all the time and her cheating would come up in every fight. Even if we made it, the trust would never be the same as it was before. For me it was a lousy way to live. Good thing I left her because she went on to cheat on the guy she married too. Once they get away with it, they become more daring and better at it. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Jersey born raised Posted February 1, 2017 Share Posted February 1, 2017 So your sons know there is an issue. What does her family, your family, mutual friends, and your friends know? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BuddyX Posted February 1, 2017 Share Posted February 1, 2017 If she cheated and on top of that dropped the "I love you, but I'm not in love with you" then it's time to eject. From another LS member "In the most painful breakups when you are so focused on the fear of losing the other person in front of you, you stop noticing what you are gradually losing within you." 7 Link to post Share on other sites
BluesPower Posted February 1, 2017 Share Posted February 1, 2017 Listen as you have already read you have done everything wrong in every way. Yes a lot of guys do. She is still seeing him, you know that right??? Buddy, it is time to file for divorce and never look back. She is still having the affair, she is in no way remorseful, she it trying to make her cheating your fault. She is gone. The only way to move forward is the be a man and realize the you have to protect yourself. 1) file for divorce. 2) tell the ex's wife, today. 3) only talk to her about the divorce. 4) if she is not working she needs to get a job. 5) she needs to make arrangement to leave the house or you do if you are going to give her the house. If you file, there is the slightest chance that it may wake her up. But do you really want her or are you just afraid of losing all the money in the divorce. She is still having an affair, she is still in the affair fog, you need to get her out of your life. I am sorry that this is happening, but it is not your fault. You are not responsible for her actions. It is time to live your life without her... 6 Link to post Share on other sites
GoldenR Posted February 1, 2017 Share Posted February 1, 2017 If you want to save your marriage, then you need to EXPOSE, EXPOSE, EXPOSE. And yes, this includes to your adult sons as well. Also, file. Right now. Filing is not counter to saving your marriage. It gives her notice to get her **** straight or you're done. You're 53, you don't want to stay in limbo. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Jersey born raised Posted February 1, 2017 Share Posted February 1, 2017 I have never read of a successful reconciliation that did not include the these elements a poster shared. *Understand he discovered an EA was not an EA until 2 years after his child was born, and the child is not his. *He is now three years post DDay and reconciled.* First: *accept you can continue to build a good life divorced. *The expression "to save a marriage you must be ready to lose it". * Not want to lose it, but be ready to use it. *You can not allow fear for your children, moving, being alone for a while, past plans or dreams to deter you. Second: *once you accept the first point you must make plans for if the reconciliation fails. *Do a search with your state and divorce laws for basic info. *See a lawyer for a consultation to refine answers to any questions and what paperwork needs to be done. *(note I did not say file). *Rough out an action plan if you decide to divorce. Third: make plans on how to make a reconciliation work. *You are already working on issues with a MC. *Continue to do so, but also know this, you have overtime settled for less then you wanted to make this marriage work. *YOU HAVE ISSUES WITH HER TOO!! *Take time to discover them. * Once you have a plan to exit and one to reconcile your wide can either grow. *To work on herself as you have done. *To realize the toxins she brought into the marriage as you have done. To recognize and correct the mistakes she makes during reconciliation as you will need to as well.* Again, if they will not or cannot accept what has occurred, just let them go, *A poster here wrote about her husband who's ex-wife left him for her adultery partner and was pregnant before the divorce. Why improve yourself by the new wife of a BS* As a side note I always find it very interesting when a person is hammering their ex mate so hard for cheating and refuses to accept any responsibility for anything that might have been wrong in the marriage. My husband's exwife cheated on him and left him for the OM. She was pregnant by OM before the divorce was final. When I met him he admitted he knew he'd done things in the marriage which left it vulnerable to an affair.* He didn't condone her affair but he accepted responsibility for his part in the demise of their marriage. That was something I had to respect. He worked on himself, in therapy, while they were separated and divorcing. When she wouldn't go to MC, he went alone, and I have reaped the benefit from that counseling. * ___________________________________________________________ BS be this person. * Link to post Share on other sites
Author lostNbroken1964 Posted February 1, 2017 Author Share Posted February 1, 2017 my kids dont know about the affair...her sister and mother know...only a few of my close friends that I have confided in know Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted February 1, 2017 Share Posted February 1, 2017 Unless and until she's truly remorseful, there's nothing to save. Especially as she's told you she's not in love with you and I don't see why you're doing the heavy lifting, when she's the one who stepped out. I'm sorry to hear how this has affected your health and how after one dday, she really didn't care enough to stop it. You need to implement the 180 and prepare for a life without her. The person who cares least holds the most power and right now, that's her. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author lostNbroken1964 Posted February 1, 2017 Author Share Posted February 1, 2017 I have accepted all my mistakes and realize what my problems were. I take some responsibility for what may have caused problems in our marriage. She was far from perfect as well but i thought we could get through anything together. This was a shock to me for sure...she was a good girl at least i thought Link to post Share on other sites
Author lostNbroken1964 Posted February 1, 2017 Author Share Posted February 1, 2017 your right i surely dont want to stay in limbo this is the worst part... i think she would hate me if i told my children though..they are very loyal and know right from wrong. They would be very upset with her. Do i want to do that if im trying to save my marriage? Link to post Share on other sites
BuddyX Posted February 1, 2017 Share Posted February 1, 2017 I have accepted all my mistakes and realize what my problems were. I take some responsibility for what may have caused problems in our marriage. She was far from perfect as well but i thought we could get through anything together. This was a shock to me for sure...she was a good girl at least i thought Too much self blaming here. She's the one that dropped her panties. This thread is not about your marriage, but rather, her poor boundaries. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lostNbroken1964 Posted February 1, 2017 Author Share Posted February 1, 2017 Sometimes i pray to God to just end it for me...Then i cry when i think about what im saying...i used to love life so much and would say Im going down kicking and screaming when I die...now not so much...just want the pain to stop...every ****ing day its the same...I wake up and cant wait for the day to end so i can go back to sleep...No way to live thats for sure...I need to get my head out of my ass 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author lostNbroken1964 Posted February 1, 2017 Author Share Posted February 1, 2017 your right Buddy thanks Link to post Share on other sites
Author lostNbroken1964 Posted February 1, 2017 Author Share Posted February 1, 2017 everyone here has been great...I thank you for your compassion, sage advice and experience but most of all the time you take to help a total stranger..it gives me hope in humanity 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author lostNbroken1964 Posted February 1, 2017 Author Share Posted February 1, 2017 HI blues, do you think she still is? I wish i knew? could she be that heartless? would it be my right to tell my children what caused this? Man Im so beside myself right now dont know what the **** to do anymore...Maybe im holding onto something thats already gone..She is emotionally torturing me...i just texted her that I know whats going on and tomorrow im ringing his bell and me and his wife are going to have a long conversation...hope im doing the right thing 1 Link to post Share on other sites
WilyWill Posted February 2, 2017 Share Posted February 2, 2017 I agree with posters above. File for divorce. You can stop the process at any point if she actually demonstrates true remorse. You should also do the 180. No more confessions of love to her. No more chats. Be cordial, but don't engage in any emotional conversations with her. This is to help you detach from her. Go out on the town with your new friends. She doesn't need to know where you're going. In fact, just spend a lot of time out of the house, even if you have nowhere to go and end up walking around a mall for few hours. Let her, at age 50-something, see what life is like without the partner she's been taking for granted most of her life. Ironically, you might find that she rediscovers her love for you once she regains respect for you and understands what she is losing. Definitely expose to your adult children, and explain that you're looking into divorce. Does she drive places? If so, hide a VAR (voice-activated recorder) in the car so that you can capture any conversations she has with him or her close friends. This will give you an idea of how she really feels about things. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted February 2, 2017 Share Posted February 2, 2017 So far you've made one mistake after another. Begging, crying, pleading. This makes you look weak and will get you zero respect. Carrying the heavy load after she cheated. Your actions tell her she's worth more than you. Quit devaluing yourself. She looks at you as not worth having. Women are attracted to strength. Not weakness. Helping them hide the Affair from his wife!!!!! Why. Consequences are the best way to end an affair. Expose to his wife without warning. Many times this enables the affair to continue or fire back up. Reflect nothing you've tried has worked has it? 180. You have any chance to save this you'd better be willing to end it. Read up "No More Mr Nice Guy" free PDF download. Of course they've been having sex and lots of it. She's not telling you because she doesn't have to. Your actions are based totally on fear. You keep that up you lose. The ones who get through this best get strong and stay there. The other man wouldn't have been an issue if your wife hadn't let him in. He just took what she willingly gave him. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
AnneP Posted February 2, 2017 Share Posted February 2, 2017 HI blues, do you think she still is? I wish i knew? could she be that heartless? would it be my right to tell my children what caused this? Man Im so beside myself right now dont know what the **** to do anymore...Maybe im holding onto something thats already gone..She is emotionally torturing me...i just texted her that I know whats going on and tomorrow im ringing his bell and me and his wife are going to have a long conversation...hope im doing the right thing I think she's still continuing the affair. I also think she has shown you that she doesn't give a single f*** about your feelings, health, or anything. Leave this woman. And yes, expose the affair to the wife. I tend to think children should be left out of marital problems and shielded from things, however they are both adults and are going to ask what happened. Minds well be honest with them. She chose this, not you! I am sending lots of prayers your way. Link to post Share on other sites
somuchfortheone Posted February 2, 2017 Share Posted February 2, 2017 I think she's still continuing the affair. I also think she has shown you that she doesn't give a single f*** about your feelings, health, or anything. Leave this woman. And yes, expose the affair to the wife. I tend to think children should be left out of marital problems and shielded from things, however they are both adults and are going to ask what happened. Minds well be honest with them. She chose this, not you! I am sending lots of prayers your way. I agree - absolutely do not get the children involved. Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted February 2, 2017 Share Posted February 2, 2017 I think she's still continuing the affair. I also think she has shown you that she doesn't give a single f*** about your feelings, health, or anything. Leave this woman. And yes, expose the affair to the wife. I tend to think children should be left out of marital problems and shielded from things, however they are both adults and are going to ask what happened. Minds well be honest with them. She chose this, not you! I am sending lots of prayers your way. Correct. They are old enough to know. It never ends well lieing or hiding the truth from kids. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author lostNbroken1964 Posted February 2, 2017 Author Share Posted February 2, 2017 thank you Ann its so hard for me to believe she could be this heartless.. she has had 7 months to recommit to the marriage and i think the only reason she hasnt is because she is still seeing him...that is my gut feeling. I keep coming back to that. She has a great life, big house no mortgage, new car every 3 years, unlimited spending, 2 wonderful sons both Eagle Scouts, and while I have my flaws I would consider myself a great provider father and husband. It makes no sense I forgave her and told her i just wanted her to be happy whether with me or without but she still fence sits..I just keep coming back to him as the reason in my heart of hearts. I need to take a stand. I texted her tonight that tomorrow is his wifes Dday that im ringing the bell and we are going to have a long conversation. I cant believe the deceit that she is capable of. Im new to this as it has never happened to me before so I made alot of mistakes early and continued to this day but Im ready to follow everyones advice.. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author lostNbroken1964 Posted February 2, 2017 Author Share Posted February 2, 2017 thanks everyone...my head is slowly but surely coming out of my ass..much love and thanks to all you guys who carry this torch and help us broken people understand whats going on with our lives even if we dont want to see it ourselves. Love and thinking clearly dont exactly work well together 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author lostNbroken1964 Posted February 2, 2017 Author Share Posted February 2, 2017 My therapist told my wife the same thing...that I have changed as a person and I would make the next woman the perfect husband...i loved hearing her say that 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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