8.5 months pregnant by MM, no contact, crazy feelings.

[Starswillshine]

Agreed. I would just tell him you have it handled as you do everything else. And leave it at that. I would not invite him. I havent lived it and I also dont know the research but I would guess it would be more harmful to have dad come around just on a birthday but never any other time.

 

I am so sorry.

[Wildflower201]

I’m sorry, this must be terribly difficult for you.

 

I personally, would respond with a very simple - “No, thank you. There is nothing for you to help with...” and I would not invite him to the party. He doesn’t get to treat your son so badly, and then show up as the proud father for the party. Not in my world anyway...

 

Hugs.

 

Agreed. I would just tell him you have it handled as you do everything else. And leave it at that. I would not invite him. I havent lived it and I also dont know the research but I would guess it would be more harmful to have dad come around just on a birthday but never any other time.

 

I am so sorry.

 

Thanks guys. Okay, so I'm not crazy.

 

It made me so upset and I wish he wasn't able to get any emotional response out of me.

 

I feel EXACTLY the same. I won't help him pretend. He is NOT invited. When we planned the party, I had my son's uncle let MM know that he is not welcome to attend. My sister directed my attention to the fact that part of where we will be celebrating my son's birthday is a public place.

 

I wasn't emotionally prepared for just a message. I'm afraid that if he shows up that I will lose it.

 

I know he doesn't mean it, and I know he will just abandon him again after his birthday. I'm thinking about just not saying anything.

Edited February 13, 2019 by Wildflower201

[bathtub-row]

Not trying to be mean to you so please don’t take it that way but you really need to get a handle on yourself where your son’s father is concerned. You’re still on this emotional roller coaster and it’s not serving any purpose other than to keep you in turmoil, which is keeping you emotionally connected to him in your own mind. The guy isn’t coming back to you. He’s not fantasizing about having a life with you and, in general, is a jerk in how he treats you and your son. But you act like he’s the sun and moon in your life.

 

You don’t have to decide you hate him but you need to find your self-respect and stop letting him put you in a tailspin when he contacts you or doesn’t contact you. He doesn’t care about the same things you care about. He’s not the man of your dreams, no matter how much you don’t want to face that. The man of your dreams would never treat you this way or make you feel this way. I just wish you’d ask yourself why you continue in this cycle. Where’s the pay-off?

[BTDT2012]

Just say no thank you. If he shows up you will maintain you dignity and be civil.

[vla1120]

Hey Wildflower, I just started reading your post. I read the first page or two, then jumped to the end, hoping that you had kicked that useless SOB to the curb! You and your son deserve SO much better. Please let him go once and for all, but be prepared that he will not simply let you go - he will reach out to you and try to draw you back in because that's what a lying, cheating manipulator does. Is this the type of male role model you want for your son?

 

Now I am going to go back and read the rest of your thread to see if I missed some reason why this man (who wanted you to abort your son for his convenience) is still in your life.

 

Happy Birthday to your little guy! The best birthday present you could give him is a mom on a mission to rid her life of the toxicity that is his father. He's just a sperm donor.

[stillafool]

Not trying to be mean to you so please don’t take it that way but you really need to get a handle on yourself where your son’s father is concerned. You’re still on this emotional roller coaster and it’s not serving any purpose other than to keep you in turmoil, which is keeping you emotionally connected to him in your own mind. The guy isn’t coming back to you. He’s not fantasizing about having a life with you and, in general, is a jerk in how he treats you and your son. But you act like he’s the sun and moon in your life.

 

You don’t have to decide you hate him but you need to find your self-respect and stop letting him put you in a tailspin when he contacts you or doesn’t contact you. He doesn’t care about the same things you care about. He’s not the man of your dreams, no matter how much you don’t want to face that. The man of your dreams would never treat you this way or make you feel this way. I just wish you’d ask yourself why you continue in this cycle. Where’s the pay-off?

 

I agree with this and I might add that the man of your dreams would not treat his baby this way either. I get the impression the only reason he would want to attend his son's party is because his parents are shaming him. It certainly isn't because he's trying to rekindle anything with you.

[vla1120]

I just finished reading your entire thread. I am sorry you've spent the better part of your life in love with this man who does not deserve your attention. I can see how hurtful this relationship has been for you. I stand by what I originally said, this man is no role model for your son. On one hand, I am of the belief that, if you have the means to support him on your own, then do so and keep that toxicity out of your son's life. On the other hand, you could accept child support and sock it away for your son's education down the road, or to cover his needs now, if necessary.

 

Either way, YOU need to remove yourself completely from any equation that involves this MM. Take this time for yourself, to concentrate on your son, and on you. Have you started counseling? If not, do so - and if you don't like the first therapist you meet with, keep trying new ones until you find the right fit. Keep writing in your journal. Look back on what you have written to remind yourself of exactly who you are dealing with. It sounds like the MM father (your son's grandfather) might be a decent person, but the rest of his family is NOT. Steer clear of them as much as possible.

 

I had also thought it would be good to move away, but right now, you need the support of your family. Maybe one day, after you've sought therapy and are feeling better about yourself, you can take your son and forge a new future for the two of you in another town so you're still close to your family, but far enough away from the MM and his family so you never cross paths.

 

You have been through a lot in your young life. You have a chance to give your son the love and nurturing that you were perhaps lacking in your youth. I've always said - as long as you are making decisions that are in the BEST interest of your child(ren), you cannot go wrong! Keep his health and welfare always at the forefront (as well as yours) and you'll be fine! Hearts and hugs to you.

[Wildflower201]

Not trying to be mean to you so please don’t take it that way but you really need to get a handle on yourself where your son’s father is concerned. You’re still on this emotional roller coaster and it’s not serving any purpose other than to keep you in turmoil, which is keeping you emotionally connected to him in your own mind. The guy isn’t coming back to you. He’s not fantasizing about having a life with you and, in general, is a jerk in how he treats you and your son. But you act like he’s the sun and moon in your life.

 

You don’t have to decide you hate him but you need to find your self-respect and stop letting him put you in a tailspin when he contacts you or doesn’t contact you. He doesn’t care about the same things you care about. He’s not the man of your dreams, no matter how much you don’t want to face that. The man of your dreams would never treat you this way or make you feel this way. I just wish you’d ask yourself why you continue in this cycle. Where’s the pay-off?

 

I'm not really sure how you got the impression that I think that he is coming back to me or that he loves me. Neither is true.

 

I'm upset at him contacting me because he spent so much time acting as though we don't exist. I contacted him a bit after the new year because I wanted to go into this year by giving him the chance to be there if he felt that anything that I had said or done would prohibit that.

 

I agreed with what Bailey B said, that it is just to save face with his family. One would think that he would have enough respect to leave us alone because he doesn't care about either one of us.

 

I don't need reminding of how he feels about us...I live with it daily. I found the reminder, simply because of how unnecessary it is, offensive.

 

There is no longer a cycle, because after I contacted him in the beginning of the year and he showed that he didn't care, I haven't attempted anything since.

 

Just say no thank you. If he shows up you will maintain you dignity and be civil.

 

I've decided that if he shows up, I will just leave. I don't want him to be able to use any reaction I might have as proof of his lies.

 

Hey Wildflower, I just started reading your post. I read the first page or two, then jumped to the end, hoping that you had kicked that useless SOB to the curb! You and your son deserve SO much better. Please let him go once and for all, but be prepared that he will not simply let you go - he will reach out to you and try to draw you back in because that's what a lying, cheating manipulator does. Is this the type of male role model you want for your son?

 

Now I am going to go back and read the rest of your thread to see if I missed some reason why this man (who wanted you to abort your son for his convenience) is still in your life.

 

Happy Birthday to your little guy! The best birthday present you could give him is a mom on a mission to rid her life of the toxicity that is his father. He's just a sperm donor.

 

Contrary to what literally everyone has told me, I really didn't think (especially after the encounter in January) that he would say or do anything else. I found a peace in the predictable absence.

 

It makes it easier to ignore him when I focus on that fact. Keeping the "toxicity that is his father" away.

 

Thank you for the birthday wishes! I'm so excited to celebrate my little man!

 

I agree with this and I might add that the man of your dreams would not treat his baby this way either. I get the impression the only reason he would want to attend his son's party is that his parents are shaming him. It certainly isn't because he's trying to rekindle anything with you.

 

 

I just finished reading your entire thread. I am sorry you've spent the better part of your life in love with this man who does not deserve your attention. I can see how hurtful this relationship has been for you. I stand by what I originally said, this man is no role model for your son. On one hand, I am of the belief that, if you have the means to support him on your own, then do so and keep that toxicity out of your son's life. On the other hand, you could accept child support and sock it away for your son's education down the road, or to cover his needs now, if necessary.

 

Either way, YOU need to remove yourself completely from any equation that involves this MM. Take this time for yourself, to concentrate on your son, and on you. Have you started counseling? If not, do so - and if you don't like the first therapist you meet with, keep trying new ones until you find the right fit. Keep writing in your journal. Look back on what you have written to remind yourself of exactly who you are dealing with. It sounds like the MM father (your son's grandfather) might be a decent person, but the rest of his family is NOT. Steer clear of them as much as possible.

 

I had also thought it would be good to move away, but right now, you need the support of your family. Maybe one day, after you've sought therapy and are feeling better about yourself, you can take your son and forge a new future for the two of you in another town so you're still close to your family, but far enough away from the MM and his family so you never cross paths.

 

You have been through a lot in your young life. You have a chance to give your son the love and nurturing that you were perhaps lacking in your youth. I've always said - as long as you are making decisions that are in the BEST interest of your child(ren), you cannot go wrong! Keep his health and welfare always at the forefront (as well as yours) and you'll be fine! Hearts and hugs to you.

 

Thank you! I love hugs lol.

 

You know, it really sucks, but the situation with my family is changing so much, and I am becoming more interested in possibly moving away. I thought that a fresh start could really help. I wouldn't have to deal with crossing paths with MM's family.

 

My son's grandpa (MM's dad) does appear to be genuinely interested in having a relationship with his grandson. I just don't think it's really possible with all of the obstacles in the way.

 

I'm learning that I give too much of myself away to other people. I know I need counseling, but it is really difficult trying to find any extra time. I haven't asked MM for anything, I work and provide for my son by myself. So if I'm not with him, I'm working.

 

I'm doing better with focusing on my little family, and I'm a lot more optimistic than I have been in a long time. I would not have had the strength months ago to ignore MM reaching out. I did it though!

 

Thanks you guys, even those that said things that offended me. It helps to talk things out, and looking back at those old posts really shows me how far I've come.

[bathtub-row]

Like I said before, I wasn’t trying to be mean. I was basing my comments on your post about how you “broke” and contacted him and somewhat pushed him, then letting him get you in turmoil over the bd party. The guy still gets under your skin one way or another and you letting him do that is a form of keeping yourself connected to him. Someday I suppose you’ll understand what I’m trying to say. The best example I could give is that once you’ve let go, your indifference toward him leaves you with no reaction to any idiotic thing he does. Other people don’t pull your strings. You pull them by reacting.

 

There’s no question you’ve been through hell over this whole thing. I get that and I feel for you. There just comes a time when you accept it for what it is and remove the emotional attachment and judgment you have toward MM, and even judgment toward yourself. Hold your head high that you made it through this mess, that you have a beautiful son in your life, and you’re far wiser today than you were a year ago.

 

Moving away would probably be a great idea but if you have a support system where you are, you may not want to walk away from that. I’m not sure what your situation is. Also, if MM’s dad has taken an interest in your son, I would let that relationship develop. This man could end up being very significant in your son’s life.

 

Something I always keep in mind: what people judge you for, what they whisper about you in the shadows, has nothing to do with your reality. It’s not important what others say and think. Live your life through your truth. That’s all you need to know and all you need to concern yourself with. Everything else is just noise.

[Wildflower201]

Bathtub-row, I actually agree with all of it. MM sent back to back messages over the last week or so, and I didn't feel much of anything. It's something I have to grow out of, and I've been doing better with.

 

Me growing up and ignoring his messages didn't serve us well when it came to the birthday party, and I now have to make some decisions regarding MM's family.

 

I didn't invite MM, and he knew through my son's uncle that he wasn't welcome. Unbeknownst to me, this created waves in his family. Literally no one from his paternal family showed up, even after RSVP'ING, when they found out that he wasn't invited.

 

They believe that he should have been invited, despite abandoning his son. I feel like that's ridiculous. Could I be wrong?

[Artdeco]

Yeah, I'm sure the fact that he himself was not invited ceated some tension and uneasy feelings in his family, and that's why they didn't show up. They probably kind of thought they had to pick sides, and you never know what xMM tells them (maybe stuff that makes you look bad, who knows). They could have at least let you know that they weren't coming, though, because I am sure you planned for a certain amount of guests.

[Wildflower201]

I definitely planned and paid for them and their other grandchildren to attend. His lack of involvement is something that they knew about and it wasn't an issue until this. I could see it creating tension, but they'd already said (knowing the situation) they would be there.

[BaileyB]

Wildflower, you are just going to have to come to terms with the fact that these people are going to cause a lot of drama for you and your son, and you need to try to minimize it and be prepared to brush off whatever it is that they decide to do...

 

It’s hard to rely on the unreliable. It’s hard to reason with the unreasonable.

 

You are still a little too invested in these people - what they think and what they do... you need to adopt the attitude - “I’m rubber and you’re glue. Whatever you do bounces off me and sticks to you...”

[Wildflower201]

I know that I'm too invested. I am careful about what I say here now for fear of being chastised, but I am overly invested.

 

Now that about a month has passed since my son's birthday, MM has disappeared again. I was waiting to see if his interest in our son was genuine or if it was that he had some kind of epiphany. Once it became too far out for celebrating him to make sense and I guess he no longer felt ashamed for not having been there (I'm sure his family had a lot to do with that, he went back to no contact.

 

I know better. I know he is unreliable, unreasonable, and he doesn't really care. His family doesn't either. It still stings some. I can't hide that.

[BTDT2012]

Of course it stings. I am sorry that he is not a better man.

[BaileyB]

I know better. I know he is unreliable, unreasonable, and he doesn't really care. His family doesn't either. It still stings some. I can't hide that.

 

Oh, it still hurts. No doubt about it. It hurts many reasons, not the least of which being that he is your son’s father, and you want your son to know the love of his father.

 

But eventually, he will let you down so many times that you will become indifferent.

[Wildflower201]

I failed. I answered him. He is being very nice right now. He blamed me for his absence in a round about way. He says he loves our son now.

 

My sister flipped out on me, and says its just another set up.

[ExpatInItaly]

You keep sticking your hand in the fire.

 

You're going to continue to get burnt.

[BaileyB]

Your sister is right. Have you considered that he may be setting you up to punish you for the birthday party?

 

Just remember, you have a son to protect now. He can play his games with you, but if he does this with your son when he gets older, that’s not ok. To have a father come and go from your life in this way, to manipulate you and your child in the way he does, would be damaging for your son.

 

Unless he proves to you through his actions over a very long time that he loves your son and he wants to be in your lives, you have an obligation to protect your son from his father.

 

He has yet to do that. You need to be on guard. You are going to get burned, again.

Edited March 27, 2019 by BaileyB

[lolita888]

That man is no good for you and your son.

I know that you may think and feel that your son needs a father or at least a presence of one BUT if that father will just cause you drama, problems and stress that may even affect your child, then it's better if he grew up without him.

When he is old enough to understand and that MM is reasonable enough and changed into a better person then let them.

 

 

But with the way that MM was, all I can see is a toxic relationship - even if it's just for your child.

 

 

You may still have some feelings for him. You may still be hoping for something. But please, you have a child to protect now. Don't let him get drag into this drama that your past R with that MM caused you.

[bathtub-row]

You have a kid with this man. As long as the conversations aren’t about the two of you and your past, I don’t see why you shouldn’t be talking to him. His family is probably pressuring him to get on board with his son. Whatever the case, your son deserves to have a relationship with his father and his father’s family and, unless abuse is involved, no parent has the right to take that away. But the two of you need to stop these blaming, emotionally charged conversations. There’s no room for that now.

Edited March 27, 2019 by bathtub-row

[MissJenniferX]

You can't make him have anything to do with you OR your baby but you CAN order support after your baby is born, if he refuses to be the father they will make him take a test. The best you can do is stay calm, look after your baby, and look like a good mother.

 

The last thing you want is his family in court trying to take your baby away OR make you out to be unfit. If he won't respond, say, OK. Keep him updated on all doctor appts. Tell him about the outcome of the appt, if he doesn't respond or if you get junk for it, you did YOUR duty.

 

Take this man for all he has. He may not be a good father. Look good, let him look bad. Maybe the best is you take your baby on yourself and collect his check and he get supervised visits. Let him look the fool. YOU STAY CLEAN.

 

I've been on the other side. I married a man who never once met a child. Now, why? The mother never informed him and she was on drugs, heavily. He was married after he found out, but not when he made the baby, and he didn't want to expose his family to a child already in age and a woman on drugs. I suspect your case is not the same. The state made him pay support, though.Yes, we thought of custody, but her family took the child and why break up that bond? We let it be and never hear from her.

Edited April 1, 2019 by MissJenniferX

[pepperbird]

op,

 

 

Right now, your top priority is your child. I don't give a flying fig about the adults ( no offense to you), but this little boy didn't ask for any of this.

 

Use what's best for him as your guidepost. Forget about anything else.

[stillafool]

I second the above. Your only thought about this man should be how much child support you can get from him. What you two had is over and won't be back. You have to accept that and stop pinning for him using your son as the excuse. If his family wants to be involved with your child they will have to come to you and ask for it, set up arrangements and follow through. Otherwise, you should leave them alone and lean on your own family and friends for support of you and your son.