8.5 months pregnant by MM, no contact, crazy feelings.

[Normm]

Seems pretty clear from your update that he's under a lot of pressure from his first family to focus on them. There's just not enough room in his life for everyone.

[BaileyB]

The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior...

 

What has he shown you so far - he is inconsistent. He is there, then he's gone. He wants you, then he doesn't. He spends time with your son, then he pretends not to know your son.

 

When people show you who they really are, you are wise to believe them.

 

You and more importantly, your son, deserve to have a man in your life who is stable, consistent, loving, reliable, respectful, and present. Your MM, is not this man. If you think he will have some kind of miraculous change... Think again. The best predictor of future behavior, is past behavior.

 

If this is all you want for your life, for your son's life... then continue on... Your child will learn that his father is unreliable, treats his mother badly, and he will know a deep shame when he comes to learn but doesn't understand why his father spends time with him but "denies that he knows him" when with his "real family."

 

I'm sorry. This must be a terrible experience for you. But, each of our lives is a result of the choices we make. You have chosen to be in a relationship with the wrong man... but, he has given you a beautiful son. If nothing else, that is a blessing. Think of your future - what do you want for your son? And then, make the decisions you need to make to create that future for your child. Unfortunately, your MM has shown you that you can not depend on him in your future...

Edited August 10, 2018 by BaileyB

[Wildflower201]

Seems pretty clear from your update that he's under a lot of pressure from his first family to focus on them. There's just not enough room in his life for everyone.

 

I'm fairly sure that he is it just sucks to be disposable. You know how when you organize there are the things that you purge and the ones you keep...it hurts to be purged when you were told you'd be kept.

[Wildflower201]

The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior...

 

What has he shown you so far - he is inconsistent. He is there, then he's gone. He wants you, then he doesn't. He spends time with your son, then he pretends not to know your son.

 

When people show you who they really are, you are wise to believe them.

 

You and more importantly, your son, deserve to have a man in your life who is stable, consistent, loving, reliable, respectful, and present. Your MM, is not this man. If you think he will have some kind of miraculous change... Think again. The best predictor of future behavior, is past behavior.

 

If this is all you want for your life, for your son's life... then continue on... Your child will learn that his father is unreliable, treats his mother badly, and he will know a deep shame when he comes to learn but doesn't understand why his father spends time with him but "denies that he knows him" when with his "real family."

 

I'm sorry. This must be a terrible experience for you. But, each of our lives is a result of the choices we make. You have chosen to be in a relationship with the wrong man... but, he has given you a beautiful son. If nothing else, that is a blessing. Think of your future - what do you want for your son? And then, make the decisions you need to make to create that future for your child. Unfortunately, your MM has shown you that you can not depend on him in your future...

 

Yep. That hurts. I know, and for the first six months of our son's life I hid from MM because I felt that was true, but I decided to give him a chance. This mess is a result of giving him that chance. I had hoped that seeing him, and how beautiful he is would do something....that it would at the very least make him want to be good to him. It didn't.

 

I love our son so much. The baby I didn't know that I wanted. The fear of him not understanding why his dad doesn't feel like he is worth loving or being there for haunts me. I don't want that kind of disappointment for him. In the age of social media, all he has to do is look on Facebook to see his father with the child he has with his wife (She is 8 months old at present).

 

I know that moving forward and staying away from him is best. I'm getting through the days the best I can. My depression is severe at this point. Everything is just painful. Seeing the potential in some moments for things to be different but knowing they won't is the hardest part. Knowing that those moments didn't mean anything tangible.

[Wildflower201]

Just to be nothing to be someone you love...to not even be a real person to them. it's so hard to stomach.

[flubberghaster]

I know you care about him and you hope he'll come back and be with you, but please, please, I'm begging you, to not give this man any preferential treatment by choosing to skip the child support. It won't make him think any more of you. It won't help you. It won't help you and your child's relationship.

 

I am so sorry.

Edited August 10, 2018 by flubberghaster

[Poppy47]

YOu should stop worrying about this mongrel and start thinking of your child and your future.

 

Your child is entitled to support from his father and you will also have tough time without financial assistance. Do not think of letting this go. Your child has a lifetime ahead with many needs and expenses.

 

His antics indicate that he has not told his wife and he is **** scared. That is why he is trying to keep sweet with you .

 

Thank God that you didn't end up with him and get legal counsel about your position.

 

Poppy

[BaileyB]

I had hoped that seeing him, and how beautiful he is would do something....that it would at the very least make him want to be good to him. It didn't.

 

But that's the thing... He can't be what you want him to be for you and your son, because he has a wife and another child.

 

I'm sure your son is beautiful, but it's just not possible that he will see him and say "He's so much more beautiful than my daughter, I'll leave her and be his father..."

 

He can't possibly be in two places at one time. And, because he's married to the other woman, he has chosen to be with his wife and his daughter. It's not right, but it's what he has chosen to do.

 

I'm so sorry... I hope that you are able to focus on your wellbeing and raise your son to be a fine young man. You are a strong woman to go through your pregnancy alone and to raise your son... I do wish you well and I hope that someday, you find a man who will be the kind of partner and father that you and your son deserve...

 

And yes, I agree with the other posters who have told you to get a lawyer and get child support. This man has a responsibility to support his child, and your son deserves nothing less...

Edited August 10, 2018 by BaileyB

[BaileyB]

Just to be nothing to be someone you love...to not even be a real person to them. it's so hard to stomach.

 

But to your son, you are everything.

 

Unfortunately, you have placed your trust and given your love unwisely... You are not the first woman to do this, and you will not be the last.

 

That's the beautiful thing about life... Even in the darkest moments, there is hope for a better future. There is always possibility...

 

Don't despair. You are worthy - never let a man tell you otherwise.

[Wildflower201]

I never asked him to leave. We were best friends before we became anything else. I just wanted him to be there for our son. Not every day, but as best he could. I wanted him to love him.

 

I feel like this disappearance was an opportunity to walk away. He can have his life with his wife and daughter and make the best of that and I honestly was just trying to not leave a footprint. So that there aren't any reminders of us. Get rid of Facebook, change all my contact info. I feel like child support would tie us to him, and he was extraordinarily resentful when I went against his wishes to keep the baby. I don't think things would go very well. My family helps out a lot. So we aren't destitute, but it is very hard.

 

His family has been incredibly cruel and hurtful. Even physically. I don't want to give any reason for that to worsen.

[Wildflower201]

But that's the thing... He can't be what you want him to be for you and your son, because he has a wife and another child.

 

I'm sure your son is beautiful, but it's just not possible that he will see him and say "He's so much more beautiful than my daughter, I'll leave her and be his father..."

 

He can't possibly be in two places at one time. And, because he's married to the other woman, he has chosen to be with his wife and his daughter. It's not right, but it's what he has chosen to do.

 

I'm so sorry... I hope that you are able to focus on your wellbeing and raise your son to be a fine young man. You are a strong woman to go through your pregnancy alone and to raise your son... I do wish you well and I hope that someday, you find a man who will be the kind of partner and father that you and your son deserve...

 

And yes, I agree with the other posters who have told you to get a lawyer and get child support. This man has a responsibility to support his child, and your son deserves nothing less...

 

Thank you BaileyB. I'm trying to do better with making decisions, so that he grows up to be a good man. There is something about loving a man who didn't choose me that makes me feel inherently unfit. I hope that I can explain it to him when I'm older so that he understands and doesn't judge me for it.

[Wildflower201]

I know you care about him and you hope he'll come back and be with you, but please, please, I'm begging you, to not give this man any preferential treatment by choosing to skip the child support. It won't make him think any more of you. It won't help you. It won't help you and your child's relationship.

 

I am so sorry.

 

I do care about him, and thank you, Flubberghaster and Poppy. I have to really think about the consequences of pursuing child support. I'm afraid of doing that.

[Wildflower201]

I am hoping that with time I won't feel so broken, and I'll be able to put all of my energy into my little guy. I adore him and he adores me. You're so right about that. Hurting during mothering is awful.

[Normm]

There is something about loving a man who didn't choose me that makes me feel inherently unfit.

 

 

He was already married when you met him- to someone else. It's not about you personally it's about you making a poor decision to choose to be with a man who is already spoken for.

[Wildflower201]

He was already married when you met him- to someone else. It's not about you personally it's about you making a poor decision to choose to be with a man who is already spoken for.

 

He wasn't married when I met him....In my original post I talk about how long we've known each other and how he hid getting married from me initially. I've known him since we were six.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I do care about him, and thank you, Flubberghaster and Poppy. I have to really think about the consequences of pursuing child support. I'm afraid of doing that.

 

It's money for your child, not you. Your child can't speak for himself yet, but if he could he'd say, "I need financial support from my father to live a good life."

[stillafool]

Absolutely get your child's support money. If you don't he may think that you cared more for the MM than him when he grows up.

[sandylee1]

I forgot I posted on your thread, but at post #21 I said your son was better off not knowing his father...now he's gone as far as to deny him.

 

You really need to see him for what he is and go total NC and move on.

 

His life goes along just fine and you are the toy he picks up and puts down at will.

 

However, at no time has he promised you anything more than an affair.

 

He stopped coming to see you when he no longer wanted sex as you began to show.

 

You know he is such a liar, yet at every point you've made the choice to be with him.

 

You gave him the power by asking him to end the affair...it suited him fine so he had no reason to end it.

 

There comes a time in life we have to accept responsibility for the position in which we find ourselves.

 

Focus on your son because his dad won't be doing that.

[BTDT2012]

He wasn't married when I met him....In my original post I talk about how long we've known each other and how he hid getting married from me initially. I've known him since we were six.

 

 

Look back over what you wrote. He chose to marry his wife.

[BTDT2012]

She found out when my son was supposed to go to his grandparents' house for the 4th of July.....it exploded from there. I found out how deep the lies went....and my God, I had no concept. It was disturbing. He pretended that he hadn't ever met our son. Our son calls him dada and knows him very well. It was insane witnessing him pretend to not know us...and pretend he had nothing to do with me.

 

 

This is confusing. Did the grandparents know this was their grandchild?

[Ronnie33]

I don’t log in much but I saw your story and had to tell you about my best friend.

 

She was dating this guy for about 6 months. He was very clingy and needy and not at all her usual type but she liked him enough. About 6 months into the relationship she gets prego and has an abortion. This was her decision but it devastated her and made her suffer mentally for months after. Anyway, during this time they are having problems. He’s obsessive over her, shows up places, calls her friends. We are talking about a 30 year old man here. Anyway, she decides to finally end it. A few weeks later she finds out she’s prego again. She was on BC but took it as a sign that this was meant to be. She told him she was keeping the baby and he could be part of the babies life if he chose. This time he begged her to have an abortion, said he wasn’t ready, blah blah. She told him she was keeping the baby and why he did was up to him. He then decides a week later he wants to try and work it out and loves her. Reluctantly she agrees because she’s prego. A few weeks go by and he’s on and off with why he wants. He want some to be with her, doesn’t. Finally she says enough. It’s over. He still won’t go away. Shows up at her job, calls non stop. She changed her number he gets the new one. The whole time telling her how much he loves her and can’t live without her. When she was around 4 months prego we found out from a mutual friend that he was also having a child with someone else. It was a girl that my best friend had suspected he may have cheated on her with before the second pregnancy. Yep!! She was 3 weeks further along then my best friend. This POS has two girls pregnant. He was going back and forth between both of them. My best friend was so angry that she went to the other girl and told her that they were both pregnant with his child and he had been sleeping with them both for months. He denied it of course and took the other girls side but that’s becauwe he knew she would stay with him. My best friend didn’t see him again after that until they had to meet in court. After the paternity test came back that her son was his, and a year long court battle, he has to give her quite a good amount a month. He wants nothing to do with his son and had never seen him. He married the other girl and has two children with her. My best friend met a wonderful guy when her son was 6 months old. He has raised my best friends child as his own and they now have a son together.

 

The point of my story Is you have to strong and move on from this guy. He’s treating you awful but he’s also treating your child like that too. There is nothing special about a man who treats his child this way. He’s selfish and immature.

Move on so you can find someone who will love you and your child the way you both deserve.

[Wildflower201]

Look back over what you wrote. He chose to marry his wife.

 

I didn't say he didn't choose to. I said that he hid it from me. I've never said that he didn't choose to get married. He has chosen a lot of things, that doesn't mean that he wasn't pressured or that he didn't feel forced. It also has nothing to do with him hiding it from me.

[Wildflower201]

This is confusing. Did the grandparents know this was their grandchild?

 

 

MM told me that he had informed everyone about us having a child. I assumed that this was true and figured they just didn't want to see him. When we saw them at an event, I came over to his parents and said that they were welcome to spend time with him. His mother (my son's grandma) flipped out on me. They confronted MM, and he was angry with me for mentioning it. He lied about telling them. Even after this knowledge, they said and did nothing. The paternity test was done in February, I sent his mother a copy because she requested it. They were at my son's first birthday party because others invited them, I did not. A few months later MM's parents approached me at a church event and said that they wanted to be a part of his life and they felt that they made a mistake in their initial reaction. I said sure, but that we would need to take baby steps, as MM's mom has never liked me. The 4th of July was supposed to be my son's welcoming into the family.

[Wildflower201]

It's money for your child, not you. Your child can't speak for himself yet, but if he could he'd say, "I need financial support from my father to live a good life."

 

 

I agree, and I often try to keep in mind the things that he will think or say when he is older. I just don't want to be seen as trying to get to MM. I am not. So many men are angered and become bitter in dealing with child support.

[Wildflower201]

I forgot I posted on your thread, but at post #21 I said your son was better off not knowing his father...now he's gone as far as to deny him.

 

You really need to see him for what he is and go total NC and move on.

 

His life goes along just fine and you are the toy he picks up and puts down at will.

 

However, at no time has he promised you anything more than an affair.

 

He stopped coming to see you when he no longer wanted sex as you began to show.

 

You know he is such a liar, yet at every point you've made the choice to be with him.

 

You gave him the power by asking him to end the affair...it suited him fine so he had no reason to end it.

 

There comes a time in life we have to accept responsibility for the position in which we find ourselves.

 

Focus on your son because his dad won't be doing that.

 

All of the above is true. I don't know how to accept responsibility and push through the negative feelings I now have about myself. Between feeling stupid and weak.....feeling like I'm delusional because I believed the words he said and stayed where I was even when his actions contradicted them.....feeling like I don't actually deserve anything...that I'm somehow not good enough because he has known me for so long but after we officially broke up he never saw me as worthy of a relationship again. Feeling desperate...I've had a lot of days where I just felt like I shouldn't exist. Everyone looks at him like its normal and its fine. I'm the defective, wrong part in all of it....and it makes me feel like I deserved the way he treated me. Just not our son. He doesn't deserve that and he is literally the only thing keeping me going.