Sweetfish Posted January 24, 2017 Share Posted January 24, 2017 I do agree there. I've been doing that ever since our last phone call. Life of FB is amazing, started new activities, and have been meeting and dating other people. However, the advice can be contrasting at times. If you don't respond, you look weak and not over them. If you do, you look weak and not over them. Quite the paradox of breakups. For me, I waited a week. I'm clearly not fully over mine, but didn't want to miss what might have been a chance. I am satisfied with my effort, and her lack of response. Its funny that this chapter is now about frantically trying resuscitate something long, long gone. Mine is attractive, she will find someone to marry her. Down the line she may regret this time period. I am also satisfied with that. There is no paradox You respond when you hear the right thing 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Aly101 Posted January 24, 2017 Author Share Posted January 24, 2017 There is no paradox You respond when you hear the right thing True. If you respond to breadcrumbs it could sooth their anxiety and they will pull away once again. It's hard to want something that you know you have in your reach. Anxiety is the root to desire. If you are poor, you are anxious of money, you want money. As the dumpee you feel you really want your ex because of separation anxiety. If you respond to their breadcrumbs chances are their anxiety will be soothed and their desire will drop. That's why you need to go NC until they really prove they want you. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Aly101 Posted January 24, 2017 Author Share Posted January 24, 2017 What if you didn't go NC (actually LC because I work with him) until 3 1/2 to 4 months after the breakup? Does that botch things up? I mean it depends. It may take longer, it might now. No one knows. He doesn't even know, only time will tell. Link to post Share on other sites
Emmafive Posted January 24, 2017 Share Posted January 24, 2017 Feelings change, the only way to even have a chance of reconciling with an ex, you need to disappear. It will take a long time, and most likely yku will be over them by the time they come back. Maybe you'll be over them but want to rebuild a connection, that's ok. You do what's best for you. If they come back and you can't trust them ever again, reject them. If you want to try again, go ahead. It will take many months of NC but it will be worth it no matter what. I agree feelings change but that connection I don't think ever truly goes away. Almost like how you said, "I do believe love isn't lost, it's just covered". We make the choice to call things off or not revisit relationships, but that strong connection will still be there-it's just dormant. Just like how you thought you wanted to be done with your ex (feelings changed) but because you had that strong connection with him it resurfaced. I know right now if I let my ex back in we could easily fall in love and be back together again because of how strong our chemistry is/was. Due to other issues in the relationship I broke up with him and I'm not looking back. I'm choosing to not open the door. It's not because I don't love him but for other reasons. Strong connections just don't go away. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Aly101 Posted January 24, 2017 Author Share Posted January 24, 2017 I agree feelings change but that connection I don't think ever truly goes away. Almost like how you said, "I do believe love isn't lost, it's just covered". We make the choice to call things off or not revisit relationships, but that strong connection will still be there-it's just dormant. Just like how you thought you wanted to be done with your ex (feelings changed) but because you had that strong connection with him it resurfaced. I know right now if I let my ex back in we could easily fall in love and be back together again because of how strong our chemistry is/was. Due to other issues in the relationship I broke up with him and I'm not looking back. I'm choosing to not open the door. It's not because I don't love him but for other reasons. Strong connections just don't go away. What were your reasons? Link to post Share on other sites
Sweetfish Posted January 24, 2017 Share Posted January 24, 2017 True. If you respond to breadcrumbs it could sooth their anxiety and they will pull away once again. It's hard to want something that you know you have in your reach. Anxiety is the root to desire. If you are poor, you are anxious of money, you want money. As the dumpee you feel you really want your ex because of separation anxiety. If you respond to their breadcrumbs chances are their anxiety will be soothed and their desire will drop. That's why you need to go NC until they really prove they want you. Anxiety is what made you leave right? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Aly101 Posted January 24, 2017 Author Share Posted January 24, 2017 Anxiety is what made you leave right? Not so much anxiety, but negative thoughts. I did have some anxiety but I don't think it's what made me leave. (It might, but it didn't feel that way) I wanted to leave because of our arguments and other problems that I later found could've been worked through. Some people run away when problems araise and the honeymoon phase is over. Sadly I was one of those people. I didn't try my best to fix the problems, I basically left them for him to fix himself. I also let an outside issue that was very easily fixable get to me. It took a while to realize this, and it was after I started missing him. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Emmafive Posted January 24, 2017 Share Posted January 24, 2017 What were your reasons? In a nutshell he's a narcissist and he had a A LOT of growing up to do. We started dating when I was 20. Seven months later we knew we wanted to get married. Years later we went ring shopping and that's about the time his narcissism started to rear its ugly head. Then came the lying, the flirting with other women, extremely judgmental, and just became an a-hole. Funny, the way he treated me was inversely proportional to how successful he was becoming. I broke up with him and he calls me every few months crying and pleading to get back together and eventually married. Just got two calls this week actually lol. I know you didn't ask for this but I was dating a guy my freshman year of college and he was 3 years older than me. We had a great connection/chemistry (not as strong as my ex). He turned out to be a huge jerk. We chit chatted here and there after a handful of years. He just got married a few a months ago. He sent me a message last month saying how he wish didn't treat me the way that he did because we had gotten along so well, wishes that we were closer, likes that I'm so nice, yadda yadda yadda. The next day he contacted me talking about our good times. Maybe he was just trying to be friendly, but my gut said if I would have allowed it he would have tried to take things further. People just don't forget when you've really connected. Sometimes people just need a little wearing down. Sometimes people just need a lot more time to get over the resentment (which may be the case with your ex). 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Aly101 Posted January 24, 2017 Author Share Posted January 24, 2017 In a nutshell he's a narcissist and he had a A LOT of growing up to do. We started dating when I was 20. Seven months later we knew we wanted to get married. Years later we went ring shopping and that's about the time his narcissism started to rear its ugly head. Then came the lying, the flirting with other women, extremely judgmental, and just became an a-hole. Funny, the way he treated me was inversely proportional to how successful he was becoming. I broke up with him and he calls me every few months crying and pleading to get back together and eventually married. Just got two calls this week actually lol. I know you didn't ask for this but I was dating a guy my freshman year of college and he was 3 years older than me. We had a great connection/chemistry (not as strong as my ex). He turned out to be a huge jerk. We chit chatted here and there after a handful of years. He just got married a few a months ago. He sent me a message last month saying how he wish didn't treat me the way that he did because we had gotten along so well, wishes that we were closer, likes that I'm so nice, yadda yadda yadda. The next day he contacted me talking about our good times. Maybe he was just trying to be friendly, but my gut said if I would have allowed it he would have tried to take things further. People just don't forget when you've really connected. Sometimes people just need a little wearing down. Sometimes people just need a lot more time to get over the resentment (which may be the case with your ex). Your ex treated you like sh*t. I understand why you don't want to go back. My ex and I treated each other pretty well, it's just our communication and arguments got a lot worse. I should've worked to fix things, I didn't put much effort into him. I had a few family issues at the time too. Link to post Share on other sites
jamili Posted January 24, 2017 Share Posted January 24, 2017 I do agree there. I've been doing that ever since our last phone call. Life of FB is amazing, started new activities, and have been meeting and dating other people. However, the advice can be contrasting at times. If you don't respond, you look weak and not over them. If you do, you look weak and not over them. Quite the paradox of breakups. For me, I waited a week. I'm clearly not fully over mine, but didn't want to miss what might have been a chance. I am satisfied with my effort, and her lack of response. Its funny that this chapter is now about frantically trying resuscitate something long, long gone. Mine is attractive, she will find someone to marry her. Down the line she may regret this time period. I am also satisfied with that. Well you gotta do what you want to do, so if you needed to do that then that's good. There is no guarantee ignoring for longer would have done anything anyways, its just a shot. The whole theory is letting that anxiety grow, from them thinking you are gone forever from existence - like a death. They have to believe they are NEVER getting you back, that they totally blew it forever - just like what Aly is feeling right now and why her attraction to him is clearly increasing by the moment (as you can see in this thread). Link to post Share on other sites
Author Aly101 Posted January 24, 2017 Author Share Posted January 24, 2017 Quick update: He said yes to a dinner. He said he wanted a friendly dinner. We will see where this goes. Dinner at 7 PM central. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
AT15 Posted January 24, 2017 Share Posted January 24, 2017 Wow!!!! That's awesome. Let us know how it goes. Link to post Share on other sites
Sweetfish Posted January 24, 2017 Share Posted January 24, 2017 Quick update: He said yes to a dinner. He said he wanted a friendly dinner. We will see where this goes. Dinner at 7 PM central. Are you winging it or you know what your going to say Link to post Share on other sites
Author Aly101 Posted January 24, 2017 Author Share Posted January 24, 2017 Are you winging it or you know what your going to say I'm going to keep it friendly, and try to not talk about getting back together or the relationship as he needs to come to me at this point. If things go further, I will sit him down and have a talk about the issues and what we both need/need to do this time around. Link to post Share on other sites
mightycpa Posted January 24, 2017 Share Posted January 24, 2017 Dude.. its just absolutely absurd to think you can be in a 10, 20, 30 year relationship and not have a low point. What happen if your in a long term relationship and things don't align-up for say a year. So your decision is to bail? Your missing the point and took an ego-hit cpaSomeone's going to have to hit a lot harder than that to even register on my massive ego! so its understandable your trying to prove your point. It is VERY easy to meet a women who is having troubles with her husband and seduce that woman. You can be everything the husband isn't and show her a goodtime and she will leave her husband because it makes her "feel" good. First of all, what does seducing a woman necessarily have to do with leaving a relationship? We weren't even discussing that. We were discussing "should I stay or should I go?" You do realize that people can leave relationships of their own accord, do you not? That not everybody needs a new relationship to ditch the last one? Also, I think maybe you missed the original post: I see that a lot of people on here are dumpees who recently got dumped, and I want to share what I went through after I ended a serious relationship. My ex and I were together for over a yearDumped does not equal divorce and 1 year does not equal 10, 20 or 30 years. I'm talking apples and you're talking oranges. Of course you'd hang in there for marriage with more effort than you would a LTR - that was my point, that an LTR is a trial run. Trial run for what? Marriage. What else? Plus, don't get me started on the total lack of wisdom of having a LTR for more than maybe 4 years; so for me, 10 years doesn't even apply, because without the added legal and societal bonds of matrimony, you're just taking chances, and avoiding marriage for seemingly no purpose. Link to post Share on other sites
Sweetfish Posted January 24, 2017 Share Posted January 24, 2017 Someone's going to have to hit a lot harder than that to even register on my massive ego! :laugh:First of all, what does seducing a woman necessarily have to do with leaving a relationship? We weren't even discussing that. We were discussing "should I stay or should I go?" You do realize that people can leave relationships of their own accord, do you not? That not everybody needs a new relationship to ditch the last one? Also, I think maybe you missed the original post: Dumped does not equal divorce and 1 year does not equal 10, 20 or 30 years. I'm talking apples and you're talking oranges. Of course you'd hang in there for marriage with more effort than you would a LTR - that was my point, that an LTR is a trial run. Trial run for what? Marriage. What else? Plus, don't get me started on the total lack of wisdom of having a LTR for more than maybe 4 years; so for me, 10 years doesn't even apply, because without the added legal and societal bonds of matrimony, you're just taking chances, and avoiding marriage for seemingly no purpose. I think its best to create another thread if you wish to continue your debate. I think this thread should focus on the O.P. as its a glimpse of what a dumper does one they reaches out to the dumpee. I think its good insight to take note. You hardly see this on LS with such rational. The O.P. has been very open, insightful, and self-aware and you rarely see this... she has answered everyones questions respectfully. So lets respect her thread and wish her luck. We are all aware we make mistakes and honestly I hope it works out for her. Link to post Share on other sites
marky00 Posted January 25, 2017 Share Posted January 25, 2017 Nice job O.P. Finally a thread where all the disgruntled veterans can't say I TOLD YOU SO. A reconciliation might be in the making. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Aly101 Posted January 25, 2017 Author Share Posted January 25, 2017 Nice job O.P. Finally a thread where all the disgruntled veterans can't say I TOLD YOU SO. A reconciliation might be in the making. I think dumpers coming back isn't that uncommon, but the dumpe and the dumper wanting to come back at the same time...seems pretty rare. My friends and family have had all of their serious exes come back, but they rejected them except my parents. They split up too but come back and are very happy, my dad even said he fell out of love before he split. I'll ask him more about what he went though and post it. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Aly101 Posted January 25, 2017 Author Share Posted January 25, 2017 Quick update: The dinner went very well, we hugged, and talked constantly. The convos flowed and our connection was definitely still there. We drove around for a bit. (He couldn't come to my place since he had to be up very early in the morning for work.) At first there was obvious tension, but after a few minutes it felt normal again. I will set up another date next week. We agreed to casually text. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
jamili Posted January 25, 2017 Share Posted January 25, 2017 Quick update: The dinner went very well, we hugged, and talked constantly. The convos flowed and our connection was definitely still there. We drove around for a bit. (He couldn't come to my place since he had to be up very early in the morning for work.) At first there was obvious tension, but after a few minutes it felt normal again. I will set up another date next week. We agreed to casually text. Happy to hear it!!! Take things slow, but i think you havea shot here . Looking forward to hearing the story about your parents. Im hoping my ex has a similar revelation someday, but its only been 3.5 months NC so probably need way more time. She already send me a breadcrumb email a few weeks ago, which i ignored since it didnt contain enough substance (no words, just photos lol). I would bet she is feeling some of the anxiety of the breakup already, but like you said, anxiety and desire are related. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
jorgeg3d Posted January 25, 2017 Share Posted January 25, 2017 Congrats! This is great progress! Here's hope to all the others out there that want to rekindle with their exe's someday! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Aly101 Posted January 25, 2017 Author Share Posted January 25, 2017 Congrats! This is great progress! Here's hope to all the others out there that want to rekindle with their exe's someday
Recommended Posts