My emotional stages after dumping someone

[mightycpa]

Sorry OP, I don't mean to hijack your thread. I hope you find the following useful.

 

Firmly disagree. Dating around are trial runs. If you get into a LTR that is not a trial run. You do not date someone for 2-3 years then bail because "feelings" went away. If you do that, then you are likely to do that again and again for the rest of your life. You will have a 2-4 year relationship, bail, rinse and repeat. Once you understand what relationships truly are, work, and yes friendship, and partnership, and not a "feeling", then you may be mature. Now I understand if you are a teenager, or maybe in college you want to date around and see what is out there. But once an adult, you can continue to treat relationships as an immature, temporary place to have fun, or you can see them as a partnership. If you aren't ready to settle down, do not involve someone in a LTR. If you are ready to settle down, then expect your feelings to fade and expect the need to do "work" to arise after a fun honeymoon period. Anything else is very unrealistic.

 

How about the corollary?

 

Oh, pizzalady, I've had a wonderful time getting to know you and I think I'm ready for the next step. Full disclosure, I think long term relationships are like prison sentences. You can never get out of this with me unless I cheat on you. It really doesn't matter what your feelings are for me in the long run. If you ever try to dump me, I won't let you go, because I'm not looking for serial monogamy. You're the one! That's how serious I am! Whaddya say? Are you in this for the long haul?

 

Totally ridiculous.

 

Also, I'm curious, what is the difference between your vision of a LTR and marriage? Because you don't seem to have left any room for opting out. Your solution is work and compromise. Why not skip the LTR and head straight into marriage?

 

You also don't seem to allow for the idea of good faith when entering an LTR. You can go into the LTR with the best of intentions, because you had so much in common and got along so well, and fell in love and everything, but then you find that your life has just turned into a lot of work because the giddiness has worn off and as it turns out, you're not a good match. He's messy and you're a neat freak. He's frugal and you're a spendthrift. He's city and you're country. Whatever. As time goes on, you find you are making more and more personal compromises just because you thought it would be a good idea to try with this person, and it wasn't. Both of you are miserable because neither loves the other, and the relationship isn't natural, it's forced, all because at some point, you thought this might be the person for you and you were wrong. Yet, that seems good enough for you.

 

What I also find dishonest about your argument is that the way you frame the perfectly natural solution to the practical problem of incompatibility is to accuse me (I don't take this personally, so let's just say people who think like me) of bad faith:

 

Now if you WANT to be a serial monogamist, that is unfair to your partners if you don't let them know that this is probably going to be a few years and you're out. You should say that you don't believe relationships should be prison sentences to your prospective LTR and see if they bail. I certainly would because that would convey to me that you will not be ready to face hard times with me.

Oh, so if it doesn't work out, I was planning a temporary relationship right from the start? That sounds like bitterness talking and it is dishonest. Maybe it was you who turned out to be the huge disappointment in the relationship. Then what, I'm supposed to settle for you because I didn't know this going in?

 

Why would I want to face hard times with someone I don't love and with whom my relationship is nothing but work? If I love you, and we've got something good, then I'll stick with you to the end of time. But if you are the result of a bad decision made in my youth? Bye.

 

I have no idea what's happened to you in the past, but I will say that you have somehow stumbled onto the prescription for a miserable life, if anyone would actually allow you to rope them into that. News flash, most won't. You'll be disappointed over and over again. Not because they're bad people, but because they value their quality of life over an ill-considered chance with you.

 

Let me offer you a third alternative you don't seem to allow for. You have a two, or three, or four long term relationships and try to learn something about yourself and other people. What you're like, what works with you and what doesn't, what you honestly admire in people. Maybe even adopt some of the good qualities you find in people. Each time, get a little better at choosing. Then go try to find someone who is like-minded next time around. You grow and gain wisdom. Eventually, you'll find someone you want to be with, rather than someone you've agreed to put up with. You'll find someone who enjoys being with you, rather than someone who has merely agreed to stomach you. You can have it all, you just have to be willing to admit that it probably won't be with the first person that comes along.

 

Now I'm going to yield the thread back to the OP. Maybe the discussion will help her, but I don't think that was what she came here for.

 

If you're interested in discussing further, start a topic. I'll chime in.

[Ilovepizzalady]

You will have problems and hard work with ANY relationship. Doesn't matter which. Things like whether you are country or city should be thought about in the dating process not after 2 years.

[Sweetfish]

Dude.. its just absolutely absurd to think you can be in a 10, 20, 30 year relationship and not have a low point. What happen if your in a long term relationship and things don't align-up for say a year. So your decision is to bail?

 

Your missing the point and took an ego-hit cpa so its understandable your trying to prove your point. It is VERY easy to meet a women who is having troubles with her husband and seduce that woman. You can be everything the husband isn't and show her a goodtime and she will leave her husband because it makes her "feel" good.

 

The same goes for a husband...

 

You keep hearing the spark. The magic spark.. well some people are dumb enough to keep chasing it.. by going from relationship to relationship not knowing the human brain cannot produce a spark no longer than 2-3 years.

 

This is because the woman is expected to have children and the spark is suppose to shifted to the child and the man is suppose than provide for the child and mother.

 

Thats why SYSTEMATICALLY most relationship end in 3 years.

 

If you want the proof. I will post all the relationship in the last 4 months here that failed in 2-3 years. Its not a fluke. Its not a number I pulled out of my *** its everywhere on every forum and i hate to say it its the females who usually dump the guys because of this lost feeling. They leave the guy and soon you start seeing these threads.

 

Now.. before the wonder women fly in and start a **** storm. You are excluded from this statement. You have probably grew up in a healthy family enviroment and understand this dynamics or the guy was really just a crappy guy and you dumped him for the right reasons. Perfectly fine!

 

But men and women today need that a QUICK FIX... this is Gen-X-ers taking time,life, and people for granted. If your in prison! Why stay in shakles for 3 years!?

 

No one is telling these men and women the hard work comes after the 2-3 years. Mothers and fathers are not telling their sons and daughters when you find a GOOD RELATIONSHIP you need to water the grass and keep it green. Specially, when you have innocent children invovled.

 

Does that mean you stay in a toxic relationship. Negative....but the reality is their is always a better man or women out there. Always! A guy or girl who is more fun, more rich, better looking. When your husband or wife is at work and you meet this better person and your body sparks with this person... because it can and will happen.

 

What do you do?

When you boyfriend or girlfriend has been there every moment in your life?

What do you do?

When you've built a house and home and a safe place for them to live?

 

What do you do?

 

According to you.... YOU BAIL... awesome.. bail.. and don't come back!

 

That is why you cherish the things you have and invested in because your emotions can play tricks on you and can ruin everything.

 

I've seen it sooo many times... just to get a spark that will fade away...

Edited January 23, 2017 by Sweetfish

[Aly101]

I have two questions

If you would have been seeming someone do you think this would have been different ?

 

Also did you date in those 6 months ?

 

I d like to know

 

Of course it would be different because everyone is different, and no I didn't date because I didn't really meet anyone interesting or someone who seemed like I could love.

[jamili]

Aly: do you mind sharing with us what kind of breadcrumbs you were giving? Did you start off with the "I miss you" texts or "hey", or were you a bit more upfront and vulnerable? Breadcrumbs in general are super confusing and it's why most of us ignore them, so I'm glad you did eventually cut to the chase and tell him you wanted another chance.

 

If you really want this guy though, you should try harder. You probably hurt him pretty bad and breached his trust big time, so it might take more work on your part to get him back. You mentioned he did some chasing/beginning/pleading after you dumped him, and still rejected him, and im sure he feels a little betrayed that someone he loved could up and leave him and that nothing he could do was able to change your mind. Probably killed a part of him.

 

I say try harder. Yes, dinner is a good idea. I think showing up at his door isn't really bad either- you broke his trust and rejected him at his weakest, most vulnerable moments. It is now your turn to show vulnerability and swallow that pride if you want this guy back imo. Who cares if you look "crazy". He probably looked a little crazy too begging for you back.

[Purepony]

Of course it would be different because everyone is different, and no I didn't date because I didn't really meet anyone interesting or someone who seemed like I could love.

 

 

Thank you for responding do you think it would've made things differently for you if you had been dating or seen someone you liked at the moment ?

[Nadine123]

Thank you for responding do you think it would've made things differently for you if you had been dating or seen someone you liked at the moment ?

 

I would love to know as well.

[Aly101]

I would love to know as well.

 

I think it would make me miss him a lot sooner. I didn't really see order any one interesting. My ex and I had soooo many things in common, it will be very hard to find someone with the amount of things on common.

[Aly101]

Aly: do you mind sharing with us what kind of breadcrumbs you were giving? Did you start off with the "I miss you" texts or "hey", or were you a bit more upfront and vulnerable? Breadcrumbs in general are super confusing and it's why most of us ignore them, so I'm glad you did eventually cut to the chase and tell him you wanted another chance.

 

If you really want this guy though, you should try harder. You probably hurt him pretty bad and breached his trust big time, so it might take more work on your part to get him back. You mentioned he did some chasing/beginning/pleading after you dumped him, and still rejected him, and im sure he feels a little betrayed that someone he loved could up and leave him and that nothing he could do was able to change your mind. Probably killed a part of him.

 

I say try harder. Yes, dinner is a good idea. I think showing up at his door isn't really bad either- you broke his trust and rejected him at his weakest, most vulnerable moments. It is now your turn to show vulnerability and swallow that pride if you want this guy back imo. Who cares if you look "crazy". He probably looked a little crazy too begging for you back.

 

I started out with just a "Hey how's it going?" to just see if he would respond, he didn't. I waited then I slowly started to dump my feelings until after about a month I dumped them almost completely. I will ask him out and dump even more. I have to show him he can trust me and try to rebuild that trust, I know it will be very hard at first and I'm ready to work through all of it. Relationships take work, and I know some dumpers personally who would come back, but don't want to deal with the work. I think you will never have a successful relationship if you are scared of work and commitment...

[Aly101]

I started out with just a "Hey how's it going?" to just see if he would respond, he didn't. I waited then I slowly started to dump my feelings until after about a month I dumped them almost completely. I will ask him out and dump even more. I have to show him he can trust me and try to rebuild that trust, I know it will be very hard at first and I'm ready to work through all of it. Relationships take work, and I know some dumpers personally who would come back, but don't want to deal with the work. I think you will never have a successful relationship if you are scared of work and commitment...

 

I am going to ask him out for a nice dinner tomorrow. Of course I'll pay to show respect, and make it a great night if he accepts.

[marky00]

Look the fact here is that he MIGHT not be completely done with you, but is just practicing self-respect. Me and Marky for example still greatly care about our ex's, they both reached out after ghosting us, but we didnt agree to go back to them.

 

Was it a good or a bad break up? because that can make all the difference in the world.

 

I agree.

 

 

He has just done a heap of mental work which has led him to make sure his self-respect is his priority.

 

 

He has built a very high wall. You MAY be able to break that down brick by brick but do so only if your wanting to try with him again for the right reasons (which it sounds like you are).

[jamili]

I am going to ask him out for a nice dinner tomorrow. Of course I'll pay to show respect, and make it a great night if he accepts.

 

Good luck! I think what you are doing shows a lot of maturity, and strength. My fingers are crossed for you.

 

Keep us updated

[Popsicle]

There's a difference between a relationship without marriage and one with marriage. One is easier to leave than the other.

[marky00]

Good luck! I think what you are doing shows a lot of maturity, and strength. My fingers are crossed for you.

 

Keep us updated

 

 

 

Another tip, don't go to heavy on the apologising and stuff about the past. Yes, that stuff needs to be done but may be better served a few weeks down the line. Sounds like you have already done that so you can put that to the side for a week or two.

 

 

Now, just lead by your actions and SHOW him you care by your actions. ACTIONS speak louder that WORDS is going to be your best bet here.

[Aly101]

Another tip, don't go to heavy on the apologising and stuff about the past. Yes, that stuff needs to be done but may be better served a few weeks down the line. Sounds like you have already done that so you can put that to the side for a week or two.

 

 

Now, just lead by your actions and SHOW him you care by your actions. ACTIONS speak louder that WORDS is going to be your best bet here.

 

I'm thinking on taking him to his favorite restaurant. Then if he thinks we should further our relationship, invite him over for some wine and just catch up. I won't talk too much about the relationship just yet, I will once we are more comfortable.

[Aly101]

There's a difference between a relationship without marriage and one with marriage. One is easier to leave than the other.

 

For a marriage you have to go through the divorce process which makes it harder, but if it's a LTR then it is still very difficult.

[Aly101]

I also find it odd how often the dumpee comes back and the dumpee rejects, I actually see this very often, on the internet and in family/friend's lives. I think the dumpee shouldn't take them back unless they are 100% healed from the break up, but most of the time when they are healed they are over them...and ironically it's when I see the dumpee creeping in most of the time. The timing is atrocious.

[Sweetfish]

I also find it odd how often the dumpee comes back and the dumpee rejects, I actually see this very often, on the internet and in family/friend's lives. I think the dumpee shouldn't take them back unless they are 100% healed from the break up, but most of the time when they are healed they are over them...and ironically it's when I see the dumpee creeping in most of the time. The timing is atrocious.

 

There was a girl i dated. The minute she started liking me i told her she should resolve her boyfriend issues.. but she painted him as the bad guy. I told her straight up i was a rebound guy. She denied... i 100% knew i was a rebound... but followed along anyway... 8 months later guess what... she ran back to him and she painted me as the bad guy lmao. No one believed her...she tried very hard to ease her guilt and i had to pull her aside and tell her i was fine with breaking up.. this didn't go to well...

 

Well, she try to get back with her ex-boyfriend and he denied her. I was shocked my self because this guy was by no means a stud muffin nor sauve.

 

That guy now is living in Slilicon valley area making good money, lost weight, and has a nice cutey. The ex-gf got pregnant by the next guy that came by and her facebook is riddle with... "Oh we all make mistakes blah blah blah" mind you this was years ago and she is still feeling the burn.

 

I think the dumpers coming back is more often than we think. We just don't hear about it.

[marky00]

OP,

 

 

Just wondering. Would you say your interest would peak more if the dumper completely vanished, including a social media presence?

 

 

I ask this because as I said, I have been receiving a few breadcrumbs after 6 months NC but also for a long time now, I have a zero presence on social media platforms too the point where I even removed my profile photo etc.

 

 

For me, I have liked flying low on the radar but just wondering what a returning dumper would think of that.

 

 

I just got back from a trip from Africa and have some cool photos to post online but a part of me tells me its still best to keep a low profile.

 

 

What do you think?

[Cookiesandough]

This is really good and I find it true.. especially the fake acceptance part.. I reached out to my ex at 6mo too (just to say hi). This sounds horrible but I know exactly why I did it...because things fell out with another guy and I was lonely. We did not end on good terms so first he ignored me which I expected...but after some nudge we started talking again (tentatively) and we have been on brief talking terms since then. Talking just as friends has made me reach acceptance because I realized the longing was just the absence of them and I remembered why I didnt want to be with them. It is weird though when he brings up our relationship. I just ignore it. He also brought up my birthday yesterday and I felt guilty.

Edited January 24, 2017 by Cookiesandough

[marky00]

This is really good and I find it true.. especially the fake acceptance part.. I reached out to my ex at 6mo too (just to say hi). This sounds horrible but I know exactly why I did it...because things fell out with another guy and I was lonely. We did not end on good terms so first he ignored me which I expected...but after some nudge we started talking again (tentatively) and we have been on brief talking terms since then. Talking just as friends has made me reach acceptance because I realized the longing was just the absence of them and I remembered why I didnt want to be with them. It is weird though when he brings up our relationship. I just ignore it. He also brought up my birthday yesterday and I felt guilty.

 

Which is why u never allow yourself to be friend-zoned.

 

 

Its all or nothing. Its my side of the fence or yours.

 

 

It does sound like you were quite selfish re-establishing contact with him. Sounds like it was all about you. I would say he got zero benefit out of re-connecting with you. You actually used him just a little more to finally get over him, not cool.

Edited January 24, 2017 by marky00

[Aly101]

OP,

 

 

Just wondering. Would you say your interest would peak more if the dumper completely vanished, including a social media presence?

 

 

I ask this because as I said, I have been receiving a few breadcrumbs after 6 months NC but also for a long time now, I have a zero presence on social media platforms too the point where I even removed my profile photo etc.

 

 

For me, I have liked flying low on the radar but just wondering what a returning dumper would think of that.

 

 

I just got back from a trip from Africa and have some cool photos to post online but a part of me tells me its still best to keep a low profile.

 

 

What do you think?

 

Yes, If you are posting your life on social media and I can aw it all, I'm nig going to be curious because I'll already know what you're up to and how you're doing. It's different if you actually see your ex though, my dad broke up with my mom back in highschool for almost a whole year. He said after a while seeing her laugh and smile made him remember the good times and he would always eavesdrop on her convos with people to hear what she's up to. If you see you ex a lot, act totally uneffected and happy. It's attractive and it will knock them off their pedastal.

[AT15]

I have serious doubts that his person will take you back in their life. Only because, he has seemed to move on. He may feel a bit of satisfaction in knowing he is wanted back, but I doubt it will go further than that.

 

I feel that when a man is in love and gets his heartbroken, he remembers the heartbreak. When the romantic feelings are at a minimal (which your ex's feelings seem to be at a minimal) his logic and reason will guide him. Even if he still has unresolved feelings for you.

 

I don't think you should have waited as long as you have. My guess is he will turn you down fr dinner.

[AT15]

I also think staying off social media and hiding from your ex is just another sign that you're not over it.

 

Go about your life. You can't hide from them forever. It's over, life goes on. Which means, if you post on social media, keep posting. My ex recently liked a photo of me in a bikini on social media, after 2 months of silence. I'm moving on with my life. Life is moving on with me engaged in it. It doesn't matter if he is around.

 

If you don't engage in life, how do expect to move on? Move with life is my point. I still think of my past, but I do have a future. I'm not going to stop being me because he didn't see my value.

[Aly101]

I also think staying off social media and hiding from your ex is just another sign that you're not over it.

 

Go about your life. You can't hide from them forever. It's over, life goes on. Which means, if you post on social media, keep posting. My ex recently liked a photo of me in a bikini on social media, after 2 months of silence. I'm moving on with my life. Life is moving on with me engaged in it. It doesn't matter if he is around.

 

If you don't engage in life, how do expect to move on? Move with life is my point. I still think of my past, but I do have a future. I'm not going to stop being me because he didn't see my value.

 

Has he sent breadcrumbs?