Wife told me she thinks we need a trial separation.

[Cephalopod]

When her fantasy falls apart, which often happens, she'll come running back to Barry, asking him to reconcile, claiming that she's never slept with another man.

 

No she won't. This is an exit affair. She's checked out of the marriage, and probably did so a long time ago. He needs to gather his evidence and file for divorce.

[Doorstopper]

....The separation bomb came after an argument over something stupid, how I forgot to put one of my underwear in the washer. She exploded and then told me she thinks we need some time away from each other. Told me she thinks were growing apart, and separation will make us appreciate our time together more. .....

 

She has a history of having temper tantrums. No history of mental illness that I'm aware of and she's never shown any signs of being bipolar. I also got the bills, five calls to him and many texts which I've already read over. I really want to confront this other guy... it's also hard for me not to pouty my heart out towards her. I also am going to purchase a VAR today. I asked her did she want the separation in order to date other people and she said no it was just a heat of the moment thing.

 

There was also a comment made by him asking if she would like him to rub her legs. She has restless leg syndrome so I usually rub her legs often and she does yoga to help with it. She called him sweet and denied his offer but had another blush emoji too. I'm getting angrier with this whole thing.

 

My wife also had a tendency to have temper tantrums. In fact, about a month before my D-day (Oct 15) of her EA, she told me she wanted a divorce after I asked her where a pair of my shorts were.

 

We (myself and my older kids) always suspected she had some undiagnosed depression but D-Day put her over the top, resulting in a 3-day commitment, 4 weeks later. She also showed no signs of being Bipolar, but was put on mood stabilizers to help control her anger. Between that, MC, and IC for both of us (she still goes), things are much better and the "anger" has gone away or been replaced by a blip of its former self, usually followed by an apology.

 

Take in everything you read here, but its important to make you own decisions. None of us giving advice or telling you what happened to us, can tell you for sure, what your wife is up to, if anything. Also be wary of believing the extremes, good or bad, without due diligence.

 

I would suggest MC where you recommend and basically demand IC for your wife's anger issues. That anger, if it hasn't yet, can turn into depression, in the future and should be addressed.

 

Good Luck

[aliveagain]

One of the things you will learn on infidelity sites is most women in serious relationships rarely ask for a separation without there being someone else to go to. The thing I notice on your post is every time the O/M hits on your wife she doesn't shut him down so he crawls under a rock, she leaves the door open for him to try again. Women know how to permanently shut a man down. If he is married, send copies of his emails to his wife, she what she thinks of their friendship. A VAR in her car, velcroed under a seat might be a good idea. There are too many red flags to not take action, marriage counselling would be a good place to start.

[whichwayisup]

She has a history of having temper tantrums. No history of mental illness that I'm aware of and she's never shown any signs of being bipolar. I also got the bills, five calls to him and many texts which I've already read over. I really want to confront this other guy... it's also hard for me not to pouty my heart out towards her. I also am going to purchase a VAR today. I asked her did she want the separation in order to date other people and she said no it was just a heat of the moment thing.

 

There was also a comment made by him asking if she would like him to rub her legs. She has restless leg syndrome so I usually rub her legs often and she does yoga to help with it. She called him sweet and denied his offer but had another blush emoji too. I'm getting angrier with this whole thing.

 

She's having inappropriate conversations and crossing the lines with him. It makes her feel good, an ego feed yet at the same time she's not quite there yet....Meaning soon he's going to whisper MORE sweet nothings into her ears and manipulate/talk his way into her pants. He's scum and only after one thing. I don't think your wife is understanding how dangerous emotional affairs are and the damage they cause in a marriage.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Barry, you are at a watershed moment in your marriage. Whatever is going on with your wife needs to be nipped in the bud but in a wholistic and loving manner. Some excellent advice has been offered to you on your thread and I particularly liked what CaliforniaGirl and Jersey Born Raised had to say. Someone suggested that you retrieve the scrap book and birthday card she made and gave you lovingly within the last year and sit her down and ask her what has changed such that her sentiments have changed a 180 degrees and she now is contemplating a trial separation. Such a talk with her will dovetail neatly with what CaliforniaGirl had to say. It is your marriage and you have to do everything to try to recover it before it goes south completely but you have to do it from a position of strength and love, not a position of weakness such as "The pick me" dance that people on this forum often refer to.

 

Before you sit down to talk to her choose your questions clearly, maybe note them down on a piece of paper so that you know exactly what answers you want from her. Choose a venue where you will not be disturbed by anyone and preferably put your phones on silent. When you ask your questions keep the bitterness out of your voice. Be calm and collected and there should not be even a hint of accusation in your voice or manner when you talk to her. Preface your question session with the rider that she should be as honest as she can be in giving her answers. You know what you want from her so I will not be suggesting any questions but do keep in mind what CaliforniaGirl said. You would want to know what her issues are and how she wants them resolved. Whatever happens you should NOT delay this conversation with her and go for it as soon as possible.

 

Once you have your answers you can then decide whether your marriage is over or not. As others have said you do NOT want to be her back up plan. If she has some foggy idea in her mind that she can have her cake and eat it too, make it clear to her that it wont work. She either commits to you fully or be prepared to see you walk away. There would be no third option. Also make it clear to her that her asking for a trial separation would bring the curtains down on your marriage. You would take it that she wanted to be single again and that you would give her that freedom but wouldn't be waiting around for her. The time for mulling things over in your mind and letting off steam here and there is over. It is time for you to take things in hand now otherwise things will keep going down hill till you have a D Day. Hope this helps you some. Wish you the best of luck going forward.

[BluesPower]

So help me guys...

 

Why are we going past the first post with this?

 

Barry... she is already sleeping with him, if not and I doubt it, she wants the separation so she can and "Feel" like she is not cheating.

 

So am missing something here?

[Chaparral]

Did you buy her the not just friends book? Reading what an expert says she is doing is more than likely to convince her than what you tell her.

 

Unlike many, I would confront the other man and show their employer what he is doing too. Is the OM her boss? Who told you he was divorced? Everything she tells you has to be verified elsewhere.

 

I would also see a lawyer and see what my options are.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Blues, you may be right about the OP's wife sleeping with the OM but from everything he has written so far it does not seem like it. Also she has apologized for having asked him for a trial separation and has backtracked on it. That is not to say that her EA is leading up to what you have suggested, it is just a question of when and not if. I hope OP starts taking some decisive action to save his marriage otherwise, as i said before he will be waking up to a D Day very soon.

[Try]

Barry, please know that I am NOT attempting to turn this around on you. But I feel this bears saying...

it could easily be that she feels neglected, ignored...and HAS been trying to tell you...and now she's frustrated, GIVING UP on you, and seeking emotional satisfaction elsewhere.

Have you actually talked to your wife? For a long time? About what's eating her? About *why* she'd even consider getting her emotional satisfaction elsewhere?

Although you say that you were "NOT attempting to turn this around on" the OP, most of what you said afterwards did just that. The truth is that most cheaters reinvent history to rationalize their cheating and to blame shift the cheating on to their spouses; this is standard cheaters script stuff. Thus the worst time for the OP to be asking such questions that you are asking is now. Only after the affair is completely over, and the cheating spouse has acknowledged that they both are 50%-50% responsible for the issues in their marriage, but the cheater accepts 100% responsibility for their cheating, should he do what you are recommending. Prior to this, the answers from the cheater cannot be trusted as being real. Good questions for later, but bad timing. Edited January 22, 2017 by Try

[Popsicle]

No she won't. This is an exit affair. She's checked out of the marriage, and probably did so a long time ago. He needs to gather his evidence and file for divorce.

 

Lol

 

If you only knew how many people have checked out of their marriage a long time ago, yet still stay in it, and are NOT having an affair. If you told everyone who's "checked out" of their marriage to file for divorce 90% if them would be filing. Hell, even barry23 was probably checked out of the marriage. That's my suspicion.

 

Now it's time for them to both to check back in and come together.

[BluesPower]

Hi Blues, you may be right about the OP's wife sleeping with the OM but from everything he has written so far it does not seem like it. Also she has apologized for having asked him for a trial separation and has backtracked on it. That is not to say that her EA is leading up to what you have suggested, it is just a question of when and not if. I hope OP starts taking some decisive action to save his marriage otherwise, as i said before he will be waking up to a D Day very soon.

 

JAG, I hope you are right, I want to be wrong on one of these, however, I am worried that I am not. It would be so unusual for woman to suggest separation and not have another guy. It almost never happens.

 

If he does the detective work I am afraid that he will find that she has been sleeping with him.

 

But, I really hope I am wrong.

 

Either way she is at least having a EA, if he does not take action ASAP this marriage is done.

[road]

So help me guys...

 

Why are we going past the first post with this?

 

Barry... she is already sleeping with him, if not and I doubt it, she wants the separation so she can and "Feel" like she is not cheating.

 

So am missing something here?

 

Hi Blues, you may be right about the OP's wife sleeping with the OM but from everything he has written so far it does not seem like it. Also she has apologized for having asked him for a trial separation and has backtracked on it. That is not to say that her EA is leading up to what you have suggested, it is just a question of when and not if. I hope OP starts taking some decisive action to save his marriage otherwise, as i said before he will be waking up to a D Day very soon.

 

 

 

Both points are valid for I have seen affairs go both ways. Though with

Barry's WW usually when the WW says to her OM: guess what? I've got

great news we don't have to have sex in my car or pay for a hotel any more

for I have separated from my BH so I can divorce him so we can

now move our relationship to the next level.

 

 

This then sends the OM running for the hills because all he wanted was

to use the WW just for some side action for he did not want to marry

her or even divorce his BW.

 

 

Her back tracking indicates they had sex and the OM dumped her.

Time for Barry to get his WW polygraphed.

[barry23]

Nothing new really so far. I have the passcode to her phone now and she's been acting like her usual self. I purchased a var and put it in her car and also looked to see if she had a burner phone, couldn't find find anything.. I might follow her to work soon. I don't understand, I love my wife and I know she's loved me. She would show affection towards me in front of the kids and we'd have deep conversations in private. Like describing our future, grandkids etc. Anyone have any other things I should do? I suggested marriage counseling and she said our marriage is fine and she did not mean the separation comment. Like what if I agreed? Would she be sleeping with this guy? I don't think she's having sex with him, I think she just enjoys having her ego stroked.

Edited January 22, 2017 by barry23

[spanz1]

Nothing new really so far. I have the passcode to her phone now and she's been acting like her usual self. I purchased a var and put it in her car and also looked to see if she had a burner phone, couldn't find find anything.. I might follow her to work soon. I don't understand, I love my wife and I know she's loved me. She would show affection towards me in front of the kids and we'd have deep conversations in private. Like describing our future, grandkids etc. Anyone have any other things I should do? I suggested marriage counseling and she said our marriage is fine and she did not mean the separation comment. Like what if I agreed? Would she be sleeping with this guy? I don't think she's having sex with him, I think she just enjoys having her ego stroked.

 

 

It IS possible there is no PA yet. There are a ton of toxic female forums, or she might have toxic friends/co-workers, who are putting bizarre ideas into her head.

 

Counseling might be the key

[BuddyX]

To answer your last few questions. Yes, she would be sleeping with him if you guys were separate. And she would string you along on top of that.

 

You know what true love is? sacrifice.

 

She needs to go MC like yesterday. You don't just throw around "separation" loosely. There's an underlying problem with your marriage. Dig deeper. Find out what it is.

[Satu]

*Anyone have any other things I should do?

 

*Manage your stress effectively:

 

Eat enough healthy food

Drink enough water - 2 litres a day

Get enough rest

Do some light exercise

Get out of the house often enough

If you're on any prescribed medication, take it as suggested

If you feel unwell, go see your doctor

Don't let yourself get isolated - keep in touch with friends and family

Never blame yourself for other people's behaviour

Do fun stuff with your children

If you have any hobbies, spend some time doing them

Keep posting here

 

 

Take care.

[Doorstopper]

Facebook has pretty good location tracking, if she usually keeps fb open. You have to enable it on her phone, but once you do, you can look in her activity log to see where she's been.

[Chaparral]

Has she blocked the Posom yet? The NJF book will point out to her if she is having an emotional affair or not. You absolutely have to insist no contact with him, even to the point of finding another job.

[whichwayisup]

Nothing new really so far. I have the passcode to her phone now and she's been acting like her usual self. I purchased a var and put it in her car and also looked to see if she had a burner phone, couldn't find find anything.. I might follow her to work soon. I don't understand, I love my wife and I know she's loved me. She would show affection towards me in front of the kids and we'd have deep conversations in private. Like describing our future, grandkids etc. Anyone have any other things I should do? I suggested marriage counseling and she said our marriage is fine and she did not mean the separation comment. Like what if I agreed? Would she be sleeping with this guy? I don't think she's having sex with him, I think she just enjoys having her ego stroked.

 

She doesn't get a choice here. Marriage counseling is a must! Obviously something in her is broken. Her needing another man's attention for an ego feed and a high thrill IS a red flag to what she feels for you and how connected she is to you and being married. People don't throw the word separation out there for no reason. She's scared of change and probably doesn't want to admit things that will hurt you, doesn't want to own what she's done/doing behind your back. People don't change unless they have to or about to lose something/someone.

 

I doubt she's having sex with him too but you are right, it's an ego feed and sadly for many women their self esteem gets tied into it too. aka the drug highs and lows eventually she'll need his words to pick her up and make her feel like a queen. Hope that makes sense to you.

 

I really hope it's just an an EA and not a full on PA, though EA's cause just damage and fallout.

[Friskyone4u]

Nothing new really so far. I have the passcode to her phone now and she's been acting like her usual self. I purchased a var and put it in her car and also looked to see if she had a burner phone, couldn't find find anything.. I might follow her to work soon. I don't understand, I love my wife and I know she's loved me. She would show affection towards me in front of the kids and we'd have deep conversations in private. Like describing our future, grandkids etc. Anyone have any other things I should do? I suggested marriage counseling and she said our marriage is fine and she did not mean the separation comment. Like what if I agreed? Would she be sleeping with this guy? I don't think she's having sex with him, I think she just enjoys having her ego stroked.

 

Barry,

 

Congratulations on taking some action. I find it hard to believe that if she is up to anything with this guy that at some point she will not talk in the car. Give it some time, but you have to make sure the batteries are still working. Just remember, with the VAR THE "TERRIBLE" NEWS CAN COME ALL OF A SUDDEN.

 

To be honest, unless this affair or whatever it is is hot and heavy if she sees him at work all the time they do not need a burner phone yet.

 

But you better pay attention to your last sentence. EVERYONE likes getting a little ego stroking. But your wife has let it go beyond acceptable with no hostile actions on her part. That is not OK. If you took the time to read every thread where a wife is involved in an emotion ego stroking interaction with another man, you will find that that is the catalyst for the next step.

 

She needs to read the book "Not Just Friends", and the after hours texts from this guy need to stop at her insistence, not yours. If she finds that intrusive, you have a bigger problem than you think.

 

Now you need to stay alert for "working late", or going out alone more than normal.

 

The problem with following her to wok is it is hit or miss. You might consider in addition to the VAR to putting a GPS ON HER CAR since she knows you are looking at and have access to her phone. If she has a separate work phone, you are probably not going to find anything on the phone.

 

The time to follow her is if she tells you she is going out with girls from work for a drink.

 

You have taken some good steps and are definitely no in "ostrich" mode. Hope fully, the VAR WILL STAY with nothing on it for weeks. But unless she never normally talks in her car, you can rest assured if she is complaining to her girlfriends about you being "controlling" for not wanting her flirting with other men, or if she is talking to him, you will find out with the VAR.

[Popsicle]

Anyone have any other things I should do? .

 

Yes. You mentioned that she enjoys having her ego stroked. Why don't you do that? Do it. Do it for her, you stroke her ego instead of the other guy. I recommend you spend more time doing this kind of thing, rather than spending all your time being a detective to catch her cheating.

[Jersey born raised]

Go to MC alone without discussing it with her. Seriously find one that helps you become a better husband and learn what a better wife can be to you. Do not discuss with her, instead let her notice your growth on her own.

[CaliforniaGirl]

If

Yes. You mentioned that she enjoys having her ego stroked. Why don't you do that? Do it. Do it for her, you stroke her ego instead of the other guy. I recommend you spend more time doing this kind of thing, rather than spending all your time being a detective to catch her cheating.

 

^ This ^ is the thing, IMO.

 

IF Barry is planning on attempting to heal his marriage/is planning on staying with his wife, shouldn't there be some sort of plan for after she agrees to that? (Because she does have a choice to here, don't forget. She COULD choose to leave, ultimately.)

 

He can't just slap her with "I caught you on a secret recorder I taped under your car seat and I know you're still talking to this guy...GOTCHA!" and have her hang her head and go "Oh man! Caught! I guess I can never do this again" and he locks her in a box or something to prevent it from ever recurring. Whether or not he feels she has cause for complaint in their marriage, she feels a lack, obviously - he even knows exactly in what area ("words of praise/appreciation" or whatever it's called in The Five Love Languages). So...what now? He's going to ignore how hurt she has felt for however long that led her to seek any old pathetic attention from a stranger, lock her in a room and continue to starve her of verbal comfort because meh, SHE'S the cheater, this is all her fault? And that's going to work out?

 

I realize people are saying it's "dangerous" for Barry to think along these lines but *I personally* feel this "GOTCHA!" game, making it like some sort of stalk and chase, pitting them against each other in this way even worse than they're already unconnected/not on the same page at all, is what's dangerous...unless Barry has already decided he WILL file for divorce, period, the end.

 

So...are you, Barry? Definitively planning to divorce her, I mean?

 

Because if NOT then why on earth aren't you thinking of what the lacks may have been in this marriage overall (you ignoring her need to hear from you that she matters, her being immature/insecure), so that you can start thinking about a plan of how to see whether this can all be repaired and moved forward from?

 

I'm not getting why that shouldn't even be a consideration. If the idea here is that it's impossible that Barry had any lack whatsoever in this marriage, his wife is a total you-know-what word, mentally unhinged and disgustingly in need of fawning ridiculous affection that she never deserved and he should absolutely follow her like a fox hunting an injured dog until he has her pinned to the wall with "evidence"...then okay. Carry on, Barry. (And get your picker fixed next time because if she's truly evil and selfish with no redeeming value, well...why the hell did you want her?)

 

But if any part of you is considering a reconciliation...that will be partially up to her (v. just walking) and you both will need to look at your entire marriage. Something caused this. If it's pure, unmitigated evil on your wife's part, then yes, run, and grab the children before you go. If not...you'll need to do a bit more than ah-ha her, grab her with "evidence" and just never even think about what may have come before all this.

Edited January 24, 2017 by CaliforniaGirl

[ShatteredLady]

It's over 100 posts so can we do a summary of where this is so far?

 

My understanding...

 

16 years very good marriage with 3 children (How old is she? Kids?)

Very good, active sex life. Nothing's changed there.

Very affectionate. Writes love letters & makes 'love memories' scrapbook.

 

A scrapbook takes a LOT of planning & work. With a full time job that must have been the focus of her life for ages! What gift did you give her? How much of YOUR focus has been on HER?

 

Generally stable, loving wife who 'occasionally has temper tantrums'. As a wife I hear...'I get sooo frustrated!! I try to say the same thing again & again until I just explode!!'. The phrase "temper tantrums" is offensive from a husband. Is this how you think when your W is very upset about something? Do you say things like that to her?

 

When she gets frustrated & angry does she often say things like "it's over!", "I can't carry-on like this!", "I want a separation/divorce!", "I can't stand being with you!" or is this the ONLY time? She did apologize the next day & say that she doesn't want to be away from you didn't she?

 

You've been through her devises & she hadn't deleted things. All you found was "flirting" with this new coworker. You quoted inappropriate things that HE wrote & she replied "I'm married". Did SHE start any flirting? By "flirting" do you mean the emoji?

 

You told her to stop communicating with the coworker & she agreed to do what you needed to stop feeling uncomfortable. Have you found any further evidence?

 

You say that she has apologized for saying "separation" & she states that your marriage is good from her perspective. She's being affectionate & loving.

 

 

Is this an accurate assessment of the situation?

 

Has anything else changed in the last 6 months? Medications, birth control, menopause, women's issues, family problems, frustrations? You say that you've been under a lot of pressure at work. Have you been emotionally distant with her? Are you spending a lot less quality time together lately?

 

Have you contacted the man from work? Have you sent copies of his rude messages to his wife?

 

Will you clarify what you read to believe that this is an EA (2 way) & not just the man crossing the line in a couple of messages to her? I agree that he should NOT be writing things like that to a married woman. What has SHE written that concerns you?

 

(I went through your whole thread again but only read your posts this time. Sorry if I missed one)

Edited January 24, 2017 by ShatteredLady

[Southern Sun]

Oh, the workplace. Time and proximity. Of course we are not attracted to all of our coworkers, but it can be a breeding ground for flirtations which can lead to more. Your wife is enjoying this little thing with OM.

 

I really don't know that it's gone anywhere. It may be that she is normally so connected to you, that when she started to feel the pull elsewhere, she didn't know what ELSE to do but potentially separate. It may have been that foreign. I don't think the OM was trying to get her to do anything. They usually don't want that responsibility on their shoulders.

 

But if she went so far as to say those words to you, then at least in her mind, she has been entertaining some serious fantasies. Even if nothing has happened physically, she may have been starting to imagine a life without you.

 

Others have suggested MC. I think it's a good idea. She needs to open up and talk about what she feels is missing. It may or may not be legitimate, but something is causing her to want more or different. If you can get it all laid out in front of you, then you can address it between you and get her to look inside the M instead of outside it. It's not too late for her to snap out of it...I don't think.