Wife told me she thinks we need a trial separation.

[CaliforniaGirl]

Barry, you said you were going to speak to her this morning. Did you? What got said?

 

Do the kids have any idea that anything is going on?

[QuietDan]

Her back and forth stuff...emotional swings....her moods changing from one extreme to the next... I wouldn't be surprised if it turns out that this is a physical affair as well. That its been going on for a lot longer than the husband realized. By the time the guy figures out something is wrong in a relationship.... she is already all but gone, fully in love with the other man, all of her desires are for the other man now, only going through the motions with the husband out of guilt and duty to the father of her children and what's left of her moral concept of marriage.

[BTDT2012]

Tell her that she needs to leave if she wants a separation. And check those call logs.

[monnieloves]

I'm so sorry for the pain you are going through. I know the hurt that goes along with what the issues of marriage can sometime bring. When this happens I have a serious sit down with my spouse to discuss the root of the issue. Have you considered counseling from your local pastor or family counseling professional. I've attached a free counseling service contact number. Focus on the Family's counseling service by phone, call 1-855-771-HELP (4357) weekdays 6:00 a.m. to 8:00 p.m. (Mountain Time). I hope this helps.

[Cephalopod]

VARs and phone bills only get you so much info. I spent $2,000 on a PI and within two weeks he had dug enough dirt on my exWW that allowed me to get full custody of our daughter (i.e. multiple affairs, drug abuse, prescription fraud, associating with felons, etc.) He found out in a couple of weeks what would have taken me three years to collect.

 

I used the threat of going to the police with the evidence of the prescription fraud to force her to relinquish full custody of our daughter. A good PI is worth the money.

[40somethingGuy]

I've been oblivious to this whole thing and now i'm paying the price for it. I don't understand how someone who was so proud of our relationship and family is likely having an inappropriate relationship with her coworker. She told me she doesn't want me to leave and that comment was just in the heat of the moment. I'm going to ask her to see her phone or just check the cell phone bills.

 

You must not give her any idea you need to check her phone. Then demand to see it where she has no chance to scrub the evidence. Check text and phone records. This really seems like the classic cheater script.

[WilyWill]

Why does he need evidence to confront? She already said she wanted to separate.

 

Separation: not being together, so she can date other people.

 

Whether she texts/bangs the other guy is irrelevant given that banging someone else is already in her plans given she wants to split. You don't usually do this to just stay home watching movies.

 

When her fantasy falls apart, which often happens, she'll come running back to Barry, asking him to reconcile, claiming that she's never slept with another man. This might actually be true. Barry is then in a tough spot. He's already predisposed to reconciliation, at least for the sake of his children. But Barry's discovery that he's actually "plan B" and that she's had sex with another man could well be a dealbreaker. When he makes a decision about reconciliation, it should be an informed decision. Hence the need to gather evidence.

[BettyDraper]

I've been oblivious to this whole thing and now i'm paying the price for it. I don't understand how someone who was so proud of our relationship and family is likely having an inappropriate relationship with her coworker. She told me she doesn't want me to leave and that comment was just in the heat of the moment. I'm going to ask her to see her phone or just check the cell phone bills.

 

People are capable of living double lives.

 

Check the cell phone bills. Don't involve your wife in your search for evidence unless you find something incriminating.

 

Your wife has clearly been thinking about spending more time with her OM. Since your marriage is great, there's no reason why she would make such a life altering statement "in the heat of the moment."

[Buckeye2]

She started a new job and I noticed she's been texting one of her male co-workers a lot.

 

The separation bomb came after an argument over something stupid, how I forgot to put one of my underwear in the washer.

 

This is classic. The spouse feels guilty about their affair (EA or PA) and finds fault with their spouse. They usually use something that really happened but blow it all out of portion. If their spouse is a jerk then they can justify their affair and feel less guilty. This sucks the life out of a marriage because if their spouse does something inconsiderate then they are happy since that provides material to confirm that their spouse is a jerk that deserves to be cheated on. On the other hand if their spouse does something nice it’s bad because it makes them feel guilty.

 

Let me guess. She's around 40 and the kids don't need her as much as they once did. Is she working out and taking more pride in her appearance?

 

My guess is that your wife has thought of herself as a wife and mother for a long time. Now someone complimented her as a woman and she loved it. She feels young again and still has it.

 

Complements from a stranger mean more than from a husband. Husbands are supposed to say stuff like that.

[barry23]

Well in the morning we talked and I told her if she has anything to tell me regarding this OM. She then said there is nothing going on between them, I told me to show me her phone and she hesitated at first but then gave it to me. I scrolled to him and see the messages. So background about this guy he's 45 divorced (from what she says) most of the messages were just talking about stuff they enjoy or about work, also some light flirting. One in particular where he said she looked great at work today and he'd hit that. She said stop you know I'm married with a blush emoji. Also some flirting on her part towards him. No signs that it has gotten sexual or physical, they just talk a lot about stuff. They both do yoga, he has kids also, both enjoy the same type of music.

 

I then told her how does she feel that she's having an emotional affair with this other man. She then yelled at me and said they are just friends, theres proof in the messages, she doesn't have many friends at her new job and he's been a good friend to her. She said she wouldn't do this to me, (she has gotten jealous before about female friends). I told her she's completely disrespecting our marriage and so is this other guy and to knock it off. She said if I feel this strongly about it she'll stop talking to him. I'm sure there's more to this. I have not been able to get the bills today because I've been at work. Made it home not too long ago. No texts between the two of them so far.

Edited January 20, 2017 by barry23

[Doorstopper]

When you check the phone records, pay special attention to who she had contact with between the time she said she wanted a separation, and when she changed her mind.

 

If shes not hiding anything from you, her EA, is minimal. But It might be giving her feelings that she can get more attention elsewhere, bringing on the desire to separate.

 

I agree though, that it still looks suspiciously like something is going on.

[Marc878]

Well in the morning we talked and I told her if she has anything to tell me regarding this OM. She then said there is nothing going on between them, I told me to show me her phone and she hesitated at first but then gave it to me. I scrolled to him and see the messages. So background about this guy he's 45 divorced (from what she says) most of the messages were just talking about stuff they enjoy or about work, also some light flirting. One in particular where he said she looked great at work today and he'd hit that. She said stop you know I'm married with a blush emoji. Also some flirting on her part towards him. No signs that it has gotten sexual or physical, they just talk a lot about stuff. They both do yoga, he has kids also, both enjoy the same type of music.

 

I then told her how does she feel that she's having an emotional affair with this other man. She then yelled at me and said they are just friends, theres proof in the messages, she doesn't have many friends at her new job and he's been a good friend to her. She said she wouldn't do this to me, (she has gotten jealous before about female friends). I told her she's completely disrespecting our marriage and so is this other guy and to knock it off. She said if I feel this strongly about it she'll stop talking to him. I'm sure there's more to this. I have not been able to get the bills today because I've been at work. Made it home not too long ago. No texts between the two of them so far.

 

Better get strong and stay there. This is how they start if they haven't yet.

[Marc878]

In reality you can't make her do anything. However, you can project that you won't put up with this scenario. Ever. If she's not in the marriage you're out.

 

Nice job so far. Most live in fear at this time which is the worst thing you can do.

 

Or in denial of what's going on.

[Try]

also some light flirting. One in particular where he said she looked great at work today and he'd hit that. She said stop you know I'm married with a blush emoji.

A single guy telling your wife "she looked great" and that "he'd hit that" is more than "light flirting". Her blush emoji after saying that she was married, was her encouraging this inappropriate exchange. He told her in no uncertain terms that he wanted to have sex with her, and she told him that if she were not married, she would be open to it. With her asking for a separation, which to person wanting to cheat means that they are no longer bound by the terms of the marriage, it is clear where this was heading. Edited January 20, 2017 by Try

[Jersey born raised]

Have you read "not just friends"

 

I wrote a bullet point on how an EA begins between co-workers based on a posters bullet point on ex-flames reconnecting. Note: EA often leads to a PA as the bond grows stronger. I have been asked not to post it because it might infringe on copy write laws. The high lights include first bonding over successful compeletion of work projects. (often resulting in the WW affairimg down.). This leads to gossiping about their personal life. Other connections are made increasing the bond. In short you have the old story of a frog in warm water. When the heat is turned up the frog does not notice, not even when the water begins to boil. It will make no attempt to jump out of the pot. Dump a frog into boiling water it will jump out.

 

Go back to her reaction to his comment on hitting that. Nuclear RED FLAG: adultety ahead within a month at the most. Take her to a store point out a decent looking guy his age and ask "what would you say: you look great today I would totally hit that". Blush and say thank you but I am married? Seriously ????

 

So jump the heat up to full boil now. Don't use terms like your stupid, don't be an idiot or any terms used to degrade woman. Instead read the book I posted about - heck it's free on line and poise the questions I did, for example "hitting that". At some point she has to see that at 45 and divorced his goals are very different.

 

You know his name, area he lives, his age. 100.00 some dollars gets you tons of info including his ex wife, some will include her current address. Call and find out what happened.

[Friskyone4u]

This guy basically just told your wife in code words he would like to bang her and her reaction was just a cute little response with cute objects . In today's work environment , men do not make blatant sexually loaded remarks like that unless they are either stupid or are looking for sex and comfortable enough not to worry.

Since you have alerted her , she will now be more discreet. Do you really believe that she is going to just stop talking and cut contact with a guy who just told her he wants to have sex with her.

Get a VAR in her car, and look for a burner phone.

And get those phone records.

You need to lawyer up and either she works on your marriage or

You file.

No separation

[Mr. Lucky]

A single guy telling your wife "she looked great" and that "he'd hit that" is more than "light flirting". Her blush emoji after saying that she was married, was her encouraging this inappropriate exchange. He told her in no uncertain terms that he wanted to have sex with her, and she told him that if she were not married, she would be open to it. With her asking for a separation, which to person wanting to cheat means that they are no longer bound by the terms of the marriage, it is clear where this was heading.

 

Agreed. It would seem from that exchange, take away the marriage constraint through separation, not much standing in the way of what they're both implying they want.

 

barry23, can't help but wonder what she'd think if you'd said "I'd hit that" to some girl at work. Clearly crosses a boundary...

 

Mr. Lucky

[road]

A single guy telling your wife "she looked great" and that "he'd hit that" is more than "light flirting". Her blush emoji after saying that she was married, was her encouraging this inappropriate exchange. He told her in no uncertain terms that he wanted to have sex with her, and she told him that if she were not married, she would be open to it. With her asking for a separation, which to person wanting to cheat means that they are no longer bound by the terms of the marriage, it is clear where this was heading.

 

Repost for the OP because this post is so true.

[MadJackBird]

They do yoga together? Dude, She's in full emotional adultery mode. She's spending time with this guy. Left to it's own devices it will turn physical. This is headed to disaster.

 

She needs to go no contact with this guy and probably get a different job.

 

I agree with others. Lawyer up and start preparing to leave her. It will be a good wake up call for her.

[Try]

They do yoga together? Dude, She's in full emotional adultery mode. She's spending time with this guy. Left to it's own devices it will turn physical. This is headed to disaster.

The OP said "They both do yoga, he has kids also, both enjoy the same type of music." Him saying that "They both do yoga" is not them same as "They do yoga together" like you are saying.

[Doorstopper]

With the relatively recent, over the top exhibits of affection to the husband mentioned in the first posts followed by the desire for separation followed by a complete 180 on that position, I wonder about your wife's mental state. Is there any history of mental illness? There seems to be some hints of bipolar, or manic depressive behavior.

[barry23]

She has a history of having temper tantrums. No history of mental illness that I'm aware of and she's never shown any signs of being bipolar. I also got the bills, five calls to him and many texts which I've already read over. I really want to confront this other guy... it's also hard for me not to pouty my heart out towards her. I also am going to purchase a VAR today. I asked her did she want the separation in order to date other people and she said no it was just a heat of the moment thing.

 

There was also a comment made by him asking if she would like him to rub her legs. She has restless leg syndrome so I usually rub her legs often and she does yoga to help with it. She called him sweet and denied his offer but had another blush emoji too. I'm getting angrier with this whole thing.

Edited January 20, 2017 by barry23

[CaliforniaGirl]

She has a history of having temper tantrums. No history of mental illness that I'm aware of and she's never shown any signs of being bipolar. I also got the bills, five calls to him and many texts which I've already read over. I really want to confront this other guy... it's also hard for me not to pouty my heart out towards her. I also am going to purchase a VAR today. I asked her did she want the separation in order to date other people and she said no it was just a heat of the moment thing.

 

Barry, please know that I am NOT attempting to turn this around on you. But I feel this bears saying...

 

Sometimes (JUST sometimes), a person starts getting more deeply upset, more loud and so on when she feels she isn't being heard.

 

I'm not sure what your definition of a "tantrum" is BUT it strikes a chord in me because I have experienced this and I know a NUMBER of other wives who have, too...we hint, then calmly ask, then suggest change in the relationship, something we may be lacking...something we really need...and we're not heard...so then we get more strident...practically begging...still nothing...then we start demanding, getting angry out of sheer frustration...still nothing...finally, there might be some sort of yelling (not saying yelling is ever acceptable, just explaining).

 

THEN the husband sits there blankly going, "I don't know what happened...this woman is crazy...all of a sudden she's freaking out over nothing!"

 

That "nothing" may not be "nothing" to her.

 

Barry, are you hearing your wife?

 

People stray for a few reasons...considering this seems to have at least started out as an EA, and may have progressed beyond that (who knows), it could easily be that she feels neglected, ignored...and HAS been trying to tell you...and now she's frustrated, GIVING UP on you, and seeking emotional satisfaction elsewhere.

 

The reason I bring this up is that right now you're all wrapped up in legalities (separation), VARs, chasing her around, catching/capturing her BUT if there are bigger issues in your marriage what will any of that do? So you catch her, maybe...this time...and she promises to stop. With this guy. Do you have a plan of action in place on what to do then? After? (Assuming you want to stay with her?)

 

Because if there were problems WITH YOU TWO before those will still be there.

 

It doesn't sound to me like this woman got raging horny, saw a stud and thought she'd have her cake and eat it too. It sounds like she is going for the emotional stroking and the being there.

 

Are you getting what I'm telling/asking you? Just beating her down (figuratively) by capturing her in the act and presenting her with evidence and then announcing you don't want to separate and if she refuses that then it will be divorce...okay, but...so say she stays...but if she's unhappy, what then? And if she was already happy and that was why she sought comfort elsewhere, those problems will remain.

 

Have you actually talked to your wife? For a long time? About what's eating her? About *why* she'd even consider getting her emotional satisfaction elsewhere? Does that matter to you? I'm sure it must, right?

 

What's the plan going forward from here, whether you "obtain evidence" or not?

[Friskyone4u]

She has a history of having temper tantrums. No history of mental illness that I'm aware of and she's never shown any signs of being bipolar. I also got the bills, five calls to him and many texts which I've already read over. I really want to confront this other guy... it's also hard for me not to pouty my heart out towards her. I also am going to purchase a VAR today. I asked her did she want the separation in order to date other people and she said no it was just a heat of the moment thing.

 

There was also a comment made by him asking if she would like him to rub her legs. She has restless leg syndrome so I usually rub her legs often and she does yoga to help with it. She called him sweet and denied his offer but had another blush emoji too. I'm getting angrier with this whole thing.

 

Barry,

 

Well, theres a positive step/ YOU ARE GETTING ANGRY now stay angry and get the damm VAR in her car. now you have tow instances of really blatant over the line communication and all your wife does is respond cutely. Any idea why she is not pissed that some guy is asking to rub her legs????

 

Barry. Do not contact the OM. All he wants to do is get laid and without your wife doing the wrong things this would not continue. he made no vows to you and all you are going to accomplish is to alert your wife that you are not letting this go.

 

if you put the VAR in her car, you will know in less than a few days if she is talking to him out of work and doing anything else. And you will also know if she is talking to any of her girlfriends. it is not unusual for stupid friends to encourage a WW and call you controlling because you do not approve of this. You need to know this if any of her girlfriends are encouraging her, know about it, or are willing to cover for her. And if they already have.

 

As far as the VAR is concerned

(1) by a SONY or good one and get long lasting batteries

(2) DO NOT let her know how you know what you hear under any circumstances

(3) you must be prepared to hear something you do not like and stay calm.

 

You have expressed to her your displeasure. She now will not tell you anything he says. Count on that. but in the meantime you better be alert to any of the following

 

*** locking and guarding her phone

*** girls night out- until you get this figured out that is a prime way for her to mess around if her friends are knowing of this

*** getting all dressed up more than normal when she goes anywhere without you

*** and any change in her "grooming" habits.

*** and if she takes her showers in the morning before going to work and now runs to the shower immediately upon arriving home, that is another red flag.

 

And lastly, since she is aware you are on alert, check EVERYWHERE you can think of for a burner phone. if you have access to her phone, check the car, lingerie drawers, or anywhere else you ordinarily might not look. if you google "how to cheat on your spouse", a burner phone is one of the first things recommended.

 

Hopefully, the VAR will prove you have caught this in time. A workplace affair if virtually impossible to stop if they spend 8-10 hours together every day, and you better have a plan on that one in case you need it.

 

Stay angry. Denial is your WORST enemy.

[road]

Barry,

 

Well, theres a positive step/ YOU ARE GETTING ANGRY now stay angry and get the damm VAR in her car. now you have tow instances of really blatant over the line communication and all your wife does is respond cutely. Any idea why she is not pissed that some guy is asking to rub her legs????

 

Barry. Do not contact the OM. All he wants to do is get laid and without your wife doing the wrong things this would not continue. he made no vows to you and all you are going to accomplish is to alert your wife that you are not letting this go.

 

if you put the VAR in her car, you will know in less than a few days if she is talking to him out of work and doing anything else. And you will also know if she is talking to any of her girlfriends. it is not unusual for stupid friends to encourage a WW and call you controlling because you do not approve of this. You need to know this if any of her girlfriends are encouraging her, know about it, or are willing to cover for her. And if they already have.

 

As far as the VAR is concerned

(1) by a SONY or good one and get long lasting batteries

(2) DO NOT let her know how you know what you hear under any circumstances

(3) you must be prepared to hear something you do not like and stay calm.

 

You have expressed to her your displeasure. She now will not tell you anything he says. Count on that. but in the meantime you better be alert to any of the following

 

*** locking and guarding her phone

*** girls night out- until you get this figured out that is a prime way for her to mess around if her friends are knowing of this

*** getting all dressed up more than normal when she goes anywhere without you

*** and any change in her "grooming" habits.

*** and if she takes her showers in the morning before going to work and now runs to the shower immediately upon arriving home, that is another red flag.

 

And lastly, since she is aware you are on alert, check EVERYWHERE you can think of for a burner phone. if you have access to her phone, check the car, lingerie drawers, or anywhere else you ordinarily might not look. if you google "how to cheat on your spouse", a burner phone is one of the first things recommended.

 

Hopefully, the VAR will prove you have caught this in time. A workplace affair if virtually impossible to stop if they spend 8-10 hours together every day, and you better have a plan on that one in case you need it.

 

Stay angry. Denial is your WORST enemy.

 

Barry, get moving you got a big do now list.