Should I reply to my ex's email? [UPDATE: How to get exbf back]

[Sweetfish]

The relationship was so bad that rationally I don't think getting back would be a good idea

 

If I would have saw this thread originally I would have questioned a couple things...but its awhile back now.

 

So can you be transparent... did you drive him away, were both of you toxic, or is he the bad guy?

[pc31]

If I would have saw this thread originally I would have questioned a couple things...but its awhile back now.

 

So can you be transparent... did you drive him away, were both of you toxic, or is he the bad guy?

There were several things, but essentially:

1. we were iIntellectually incompatible. I wanted more intellectual stimulations in our relationship which he couldnt give me then. As a result he felt that i was disrespectful of him because i didnt trust his judgements in several occasions.

2. I wanted us to get married soon because he was about to finish his employment contract in my country and leaving soon. I am 29 so i felt pressure from my biological clock and because the sex with him was really good so I was willing to compromise on 1 and gave up the idea of intellectual stimulation (dick-notizing i suppose... dont judge! It was that good). He didnt want to get married because item 1 wasnt resolved yet. He needed more time but we were running out of time...

 

Now his contract has been extended for another year- he emailed me to announce this himself. So we still have some time- ish.

Edited March 24, 2017 by pc31

[Sweetfish]

There were several things, but essentially:

1. we were iIntellectually incompatible. I wanted more intellectual stimulations in our relationship which he couldnt give me then. As a result he felt that i was disrespectful of him because i didnt trust his judgements in several occasions.

2. I wanted us to get married soon because he was about to finish his employment contract in my country and leaving soon. I am 29 so i felt pressure from my biological clock and because the sex with him was really good so I was willing to compromise on 1 and gave up the idea of intellectual stimulation (dick-notizing i suppose... dont judge! It was that good). He didnt want to get married because item 1 wasnt resolved yet. He needed more time but we were running out of time...

 

Now his contract has been extended for another year- he emailed me to announce this himself. So we still have some time- ish.

 

 

Well do you love him or your looking for him to fulfill your intellectual needs? Wanting to be with him for intellectual capacity doesn't change the fact that you did not trust his judgement. A wedge was driven into the relationship... he split and now you have came to the realization that you were wrong. (am I right or wrong?)

 

My question is... your intellectual capacity does not flourish in 1 year, so I'm assuming your referring to his capability of acquiring wealth. I hope you don't take offense to this... I just trying to get clarity in what actual are intellectual needs be and how does one acquire them in 1 year.

[pc31]

Well do you love him or your looking for him to fulfill your intellectual needs? Wanting to be with him for intellectual capacity doesn't change the fact that you did not trust his judgement. A wedge was driven into the relationship... he split and now you have came to the realization that you were wrong. (am I right or wrong?)

 

My question is... your intellectual capacity does not flourish in 1 year, so I'm assuming your referring to his capability of acquiring wealth. I hope you don't take offense to this... I just trying to get clarity in what actual are intellectual needs be and how does one acquire them in 1 year.

 

I'm not sure if I still love him, but I do miss him. And I want to explore that missing feeling.

 

It has never been about wealth accumulation because I do think he makes OK amount of money. After a certain threshold, you don't need more money to have more happiness.

 

By intellectual capacity, I meant he really had zero knowledge of business, economy, international affairs, etc. and had zero interest in acquiring it. We talked about this several times and he seemed to be trying for 1-2 weeks, but because they weren't natural for him, he stopped eventually... and there wasn't any progress.

 

Back then I already gave up the idea of him trying to read more or watch news or articulate his thoughts on international affairs. I was willing to give up all of that need if he would be willing to get married soon. To me, the marriage commitment is bigger than my intellectual satisfaction. But to him, it was clearly an incompatibility and he understood I was unhappy and he felt I was disrespectful of him because i kept implying (sometimes just in my attitude) he wasn't knowledgeable enough. He didn't want to get married when neither of us was completely steady in bliss yet.

 

Anyway, so back then I already gave up the idea of intellectual satisfaction, so now it's not even a thing that i would consider when deciding to give it another try.

 

As for him, recently he was assigned some pretty interesting new work (he sort of started when we were still together but now it is in full swing), so I hope with his new work experience which is significantly more advanced, he would have more confidence and would not think that I looked down on him anymore...

 

Like I said, I don't even know if we will succeed in the long term, but i just really want to give it another try.

 

How do I let him know his and encourage him to join me?

(Yes I am selfish but I really don't care about his current girlfriend at all)

Edited March 24, 2017 by pc31

[pc31]

pc31, you are beginning to sound like the Crazy Ex. This thread has gone on for 4 pages and everyone is telling you to let this go. And you keep going around in circles and ignoring the advice you've been given. If he wanted to be with you, you would know it.

 

You see, I first started this thread because he emailed me. Then I followed everyone's advise and replied shortly and coldly.

 

Then there was no contact for 2 months.

 

Then recently he emailed me AGAIN. and brought up happy memory again in his email.

 

So this is the part where all my memories come back and I really miss him and want to give it another try.

[Sweetfish]

I'm not sure if I still love him, but I do miss him. And I want to explore that missing feeling.

 

It has never been about wealth accumulation because I do think he makes OK amount of money. After a certain threshold, you don't need more money to have more happiness.

 

By intellectual capacity, I meant he really had zero knowledge of business, economy, international affairs, etc. and had zero interest in acquiring it. We talked about this several times and he seemed to be trying for 1-2 weeks, but because they weren't natural for him, he stopped eventually... and there wasn't any progress.

 

Back then I already gave up the idea of him trying to read more or watch news or articulate his thoughts on international affairs. I was willing to give up all of that need if he would be willing to get married soon. To me, the marriage commitment is bigger than my intellectual satisfaction. But to him, it was clearly an incompatibility and he understood I was unhappy and he felt I was disrespected of him because i kept saying he wasn't knowledgeable enough. He didn't want to get married when neither of us was completely steady in bliss yet.

 

Anyway, so back then I already gave up the idea of intellectual satisfaction, so now it's not even a thing that i would consider when deciding to give it another try.

 

As for him, recently he was assigned some pretty interesting new work (he sort of started when we were still together but now it is in full swing), so I hope with his new work experience which is significantly more advanced, he would have more confidence and would not think that I looked down on him anymore...

 

Like I said, I don't even know if we will succeed in the long term, but i just really want to give it another try.

 

How do I let him know his and encourage him to join me?

(Yes I am selfish but I really don't care about his current girlfriend at all)

 

 

 

You should re-read what you wrote.

 

You are trying to make him into something he is not...

 

You either love him for who he is or leave him alone... that is who he is. He is not forcing you to be someone else and your not respecting him because essentially your passively telling him he is not good enough...or are forcing him to be the guy you want... If you wanted a business orientate guy who is versatile in international affairs ...that is who you should have dated from the beginning.

 

A month ago, he started our latest email chain to ask me for some small help. As usual I replied coldly

 

I have a feeling your going to proceed this way... one minute you will be hot and another cold and you have fallen into a breadcrumb battle Your boyfriend may be happy with this new girl and she may not look down on him and you want to sabotage it... How do you plan to over come this possible new love... with an old love that may or may not last?

[Redhead14]

You see, I first started this thread because he emailed me. Then I followed everyone's advise and replied shortly and coldly.

 

Then there was no contact for 2 months.

 

Then recently he emailed me AGAIN. and brought up happy memory again in his email.

 

So this is the part where all my memories come back and I really miss him and want to give it another try.

 

If he cannot be more direct and clear about his intentions, you are wasting your emotional energy. If he wants you back, he needs to show it and he needs to be consistent and direct. Otherwise, he just some wishy-washy guy I wouldn't want to date anyway. And, the likelihood of either of you having changed and learned enough to make it work, is probably NIL. In fact, I would be angry if an ex contacted me the way he is contacting you. Most of the time, it's all about them dealing with some guilt or regret, etc. It makes them feel better. They aren't doing it for the other person.

 

It's great to have good memories of an ex. That is more healthy than carrying around the baggage of a past relationship. Move on from relationships and remember good times in order to not become jaded and negative in the future.

[rester]

It sounds like your feelings changed when you found out he had a friend that was more senior in his career than you expected. You don't respect your ex intellectually but finding out he has a high-level friend somehow changed your view of him.

 

Your ex is not a different person because he has a high-level successful friend.

 

Plus, he has a new girlfriend and doesn't appear interested in getting back together with you. I suggest letting this one go. Don't waste another year thinking about this. Focus on yourself.

[pc31]

You should re-read what you wrote.

 

You are trying to make him into something he is not...

 

You either love him for who he is or leave him alone... that is who he is.

 

I realized that in the middle of the previous relationship and decided to completely give up on the idea of changing him. But apparently I guess subconsciously there was still some wishful thinking and it showed and he wasn't happy about it.......

It's hard for me too, to compromise on something that I value.

 

I have a feeling your going to proceed this way... one minute you will be hot and another cold and you have fallen into a breadcrumb battle Your boyfriend may be happy with this new girl and she may not look down on him and you want to sabotage it... How do you plan to over come this possible new love... with an old love that may or may not last?

 

From stalking her earlier, I think the new girl is completely in love with my ex. I think she thinks about him very highly... Yes this girl has all her posts in public mode so it's not that hard to see them. Let's say I don't have high opinion about her all from her posts, but I could be biased.

Anyway in the last 1.5 month, she has stopped all posts completely so I don't know what's going on with them...

 

As for the plan to overcome the possible new love.. that's where I want your advice! I really don't know what to do.. You are right about the breadcrumb battle - but it really is a battle, meaning it is pretty much from both sides. And therefore, somehow I feel like there is some hope. What are some small steps that I can do to test the water?

[pc31]

he has a new girlfriend and doesn't appear interested in getting back together with you.

 

Is there a way to know for sure about his relationship status and his level of interest in reconciliation without asking him directly? I really want to test the water to know for sure. Whatever the result is, I am willing to accept it, but I want to avoid showing my interest to save face if possible.

[Redhead14]

If you feel determined to push this . . . why take small, vague, innocuous/inept gamey steps like you seem to think he's doing? If you are going to do something, go big or go home.

 

Call him on the doggoned phone like a grown up and deal with it head on. Tell him you are still in love with him and ask him if he is interested in reconciling and be prepared for whatever the response is. If he says no, you tell him to stop emailing/contacting you and that you don't want constant reminders of the past which cause you to stop living in the here and now.

[rester]

Is there a way to know for sure about his relationship status and his level of interest in reconciliation without asking him directly? I really want to test the water to know for sure. Whatever the result is, I am willing to accept it, but I want to avoid showing my interest to save face if possible.

 

All that matters is his interest in reconciliation. If he's not interested, his relationship status does not matter.

 

If you feel determined to push this . . . why take small, vague, innocuous/inept gamey steps like you seem to think he's doing? If you are going to do something, go big or go home.

 

Call him on the doggoned phone like a grown up and deal with it head on. Tell him you are still in love with him and ask him if he is interested in reconciling and be prepared for whatever the response is. If he says no, you tell him to stop emailing/contacting you and that you don't want constant reminders of the past which cause you to stop living in the here and now.

 

I agree with this...call him up and ask him directly if he would be interested in reconciling and then accept the answer gracefully.

[pc31]

If you feel determined to push this . . . why take small, vague, innocuous/inept gamey steps like you seem to think he's doing? If you are going to do something, go big or go home.

 

Call him on the doggoned phone like a grown up and deal with it head on. Tell him you are still in love with him and ask him if he is interested in reconciling and be prepared for whatever the response is. If he says no, you tell him to stop emailing/contacting you and that you don't want constant reminders of the past which cause you to stop living in the here and now.

 

I like the idea of it, but in 1000 years i will not do it. It's not my character to do something so courageous.

 

Right now I'm debating between 2 options:

1. Do nothing until he emails again. Then reply with some more direct (but less than the above) answer

2. Reply with lots of flirts and mention happy memories to see how he reacts.

 

What do you think? I'm leaning towards option 2.

[Sweetfish]

I like the idea of it, but in 1000 years i will not do it. It's not my character to do something so courageous.

 

Right now I'm debating between 2 options:

1. Do nothing until he emails again. Then reply with some more direct (but less than the above) answer

2. Reply with lots of flirts and mention happy memories to see how he reacts.

 

What do you think? I'm leaning towards option 2.

 

 

You either love him or you don't. If you do not love him... leave him alone. Do not intersect in his new love interest because maybe she LOVE him and your just wondering about what ifs and feeling nostalgic.

 

If you love him.. Tell him how you feel and what you did wrong and go No contact. If you would not do this in a 1000 years... if you can not be courageous for your future husband or future father of his kids. Your wasting your time and his and you simply do not love him...and find someone else you can match up with...

[Redhead14]

Sweetie, if you don't have "b*lls", don't bother playing tennis. If you are ever going to have a successful relationship with anyone, you need to learn how to communicate effectively and without fear. Operating from a place of fear in any circumstance is operating with weakness and insecurity.

 

Playing coy, childish games is not in my character and you are not trying to start a new dating scenario. This was a relationship that failed and needs to be dealt with head on and with commitment if you want a reconciliation. Let him know you are open to a reconciliation, that should be all the "flirting" you have to do. If you play this wishy-washy little game you want to play, all you are doing is letting him know you are a doormat and that everything that went down between you is being swept under the carpet. You can bring up all those nice memories on the phone . . . start with that and then get down to "biness".

[pc31]

You either love him or you don't. If you do not love him... leave him alone. Do not intersect in his new love interest because maybe she LOVE him and your just wondering about what ifs and feeling nostalgic.

 

Sigh, you are exactly right about this. I am wondering about ifs and feeling nostalgic. That is all, for now. Considering how good the sex was (enough for me to consider giving up intellectual satisfaction), as long as i am single, i never want to rule him out completely.

 

I don't really care if the new girl loves him or not. She probably does. It is ultimately his decision whether or not he wants to take the chance with me or with her.

 

But for precaution, what do you think is the worst thing that can happen if i start flirting with him by email?

[Blanco]

Is it possible that you are remaining attached to this incompatible man in part because you view him as a better option at your age to get married versus truly starting over and finding a potential husband out in that great unknown?

 

I'll admit that reading the first page of this thread, I was surprised to see that it eventually spanned five pages, since there didn't sound like a lot worth hanging on to.

[Blanco]

But for precaution, what do you think is the worst thing that can happen if i start flirting with him by email?

 

The worst thing that can happen is that you would continue to waste a commodity no one has an unlimited supply of: Time.

 

You've already pitched away a year of time over this guy who you have noted many times is not compatible with you, nor do you really view him to be equal or above you.

[pc31]

Is it possible that you are remaining attached to this incompatible man in part because you view him as a better option at your age to get married versus truly starting over and finding a potential husband out in that great unknown?

 

 

I spent the first 6 months getting over him and in the last 6 months, i went on 2 first dates. Both of them were pretty bad. The most recently one was especially horrible, horrible x10 horrible... So I sort of lost faith in dating as well... and he suddenly seemed like a pretty good option.

 

If you read from page 1, you would recognize that i wasn't interested in getting back at that time. I literally just re-consider in the last 1 month.

 

Sigh, i'm a bit all over the place right now. I don't actually know what I want out of rekindling, I just feel curious and want to explore my options.

 

Is it so bad?

Edited March 24, 2017 by pc31

[Blanco]

I spent the first 6 months getting over him and in the last 6 months, i went on 2 first dates. Both of them were pretty bad. The most recently one was especially horrible, horrible x10 horrible... So I sort of lost faith in dating as well... and he suddenly seemed like a pretty good option.

 

If you read from page 1, you would recognize that i wasn't interested in getting back at that time.

 

Sigh, i'm a bit all over the place right now. I don't actually know what I want out of rekindling, I just feel curious and want to explore my options.

 

Is it so bad?

 

Two bad dates doesn't make the other half of what you called a horrible relationship a good/better option.

 

And am I missing something or doesn't this guy now have a girlfriend? What gives you the right to shoehorn yourself in and try to muddy the waters of his current relationship? You speak of this guy as if he's a viable option when he's technically not even available. You really wanna be the woman who breaks up someone else's relationship for your own gain?

[pc31]

Two bad dates doesn't make the other half of what you called a horrible relationship a good/better option.

 

And am I missing something or doesn't this guy now have a girlfriend? What gives you the right to shoehorn yourself in and try to muddy the waters of his current relationship? You speak of this guy as if he's a viable option when he's technically not even available. You really wanna be the woman who breaks up someone else's relationship for your own gain?

 

Despite all the emails from him, he has never mentioned his girlfriend to me. So to me I guess she doesn't really exist. And knowing him, I doubt any of his friend knows this girl exist either. Like, seriously.

 

Also, why is it the woman's fault for "breaking the relationship"? Isn't it ultimately HIS decision?

[Blanco]

Despite all the emails from him, he has never mentioned his girlfriend to me. So to me I guess she doesn't really exist. And knowing him, I doubt any of his friend knows this girl exist either. Like, seriously.

 

It's called being considerate of your feelings. My one ex would go out of her way to not mention her current boyfriend, because she knew I wasn't comfortable with it.

 

Also, why is it the woman's fault for "breaking the relationship"? Isn't it ultimately HIS decision?

 

Yes, it is his decision, but I still think it's crappy that you are considering this when you know he's got a girlfriend. You would be OK if you were with him and some woman was attempting to do what you've done and/or plan to do? No? Then don't be that woman yourself.

 

And what would that say about him that he's willing to dump someone for another person. Who's to say the same wouldn't happen to you if you two did reconcile.

[niji]

Despite all the emails from him, he has never mentioned his girlfriend to me. So to me I guess she doesn't really exist. And knowing him, I doubt any of his friend knows this girl exist either. Like, seriously.

 

Also, why is it the woman's fault for "breaking the relationship"? Isn't it ultimately HIS decision?

 

OK, so what's your point? To you she doesn't exist doesn't mean that she doesn't exist in everyone else's reality. That's like saying to me cats aren't pets so I don't feel bad eating them (I don't eat them, but you get the point).

It's not the woman's fault. Both parties have a 50-50 share of the fault. Why would you want to put yourself in a situation where you're 50% responsible for destroying someone else's happiness?

 

I've never reconciled with an ex so maybe I'm just a pessimist, but relationships fail for a reason. Sounds like you want him back because there are a lack of options, not because those reasons that made it fail in the first place are now fixed. You can try again, but if it failed the first time, why would it not this time?

[pc31]

It's called being considerate of your feelings. My one ex would go out of her way to not mention her current boyfriend, because she knew I wasn't comfortable with it.

I'm not sure about being considerate vs. actually hiding. I could be wrong, but I don't think their relationship is serious at all.

 

 

Yes, it is his decision, but I still think it's crappy that you are considering this when you know he's got a girlfriend. You would be OK if you were with him and some woman was attempting to do what you've done and/or plan to do? No? Then don't be that woman yourself.

 

And what would that say about him that he's willing to dump someone for another person. Who's to say the same wouldn't happen to you if you two did reconcile.

 

You have a point. But love is selfish.

[pc31]

OK, so what's your point? To you she doesn't exist doesn't mean that she doesn't exist in everyone else's reality. That's like saying to me cats aren't pets so I don't feel bad eating them (I don't eat them, but you get the point).

It's not the woman's fault. Both parties have a 50-50 share of the fault. Why would you want to put yourself in a situation where you're 50% responsible for destroying someone else's happiness?

 

I've never reconciled with an ex so maybe I'm just a pessimist, but relationships fail for a reason. Sounds like you want him back because there are a lack of options, not because those reasons that made it fail in the first place are now fixed. You can try again, but if it failed the first time, why would it not this time?

 

I agree with everything you said- they are probably accurate.

Frankly i think it is almost 80% likely to fail again. I'm just contemplating on the idea of testing him as an option. Ofc i don't stop pursuing other options at the same time and see what pans out. Since he's been sending all these emails and talking about these past memories, might as well see what's there. It's just a thought.

Edited March 24, 2017 by pc31