Should I reply to my ex's email? [UPDATE: How to get exbf back]

[Zahara]

It is just an act of kindness and a reminder of how successful i am and that he lost a very good thing.

 

Kindness and spite/bitterness don't go together.

 

The latter is truly your motive. Aside from that, since you are still emotional about him, it would be best to keep away. Your intentions won't serve you any purpose if it's coming from a negative place.

[VeveCakes]

I would have said yes help him, but then I read your motives and eww no, don't do it.

 

Maybe you should look within, and why you have such a vengeful outlook on this.

 

Do it out of kindness yes. Do it to make him realize "what he lost"? No. He won't realize, because he probably already knows what he lost...and isn't missing it.

[Ieris]

Despite all this resentment you have towards him, I think somewhere deep down you still care about him. You can easily get the popcorn out, sit back and watch him sink but I don't think you're that kind of person.

 

If you can pull some strings, it helps him out and you feel good about yourself then why not? It's a win/win. In fact it may help you to let go of that negative energy you have towards him

[basil67]

You say you want to do it from kindness and so that he will realise what he lost. But you also say that the relationship was terrible and that you weren't compatible. So it sounds like he did exactly the right thing for you both.

 

You're also upset that he wasted your time. But you can't blame him for the fact you chose to stick around in a bad relationship. That was your choice.

 

If you want to be kind and help him, do so. But do it no more expectations than a simple 'thank you'. Your good deed is not going to make him miss you or the terrible relationship.

[elaine567]

Your good deed is not going to make him miss you or the terrible relationship.

 

This is important.

 

Are you prepared for

a) a torrent of abuse perhaps (not every person wants "help" and some men have an aversion to help from women especially I guess ex gfs who are doing rather better than they are), or

b) for him to ignore your "good deed" all together, or

c)for him to wrongly ascribe your good deed to something he did all by himself, or even worse

d) ascribe your good deed to his wonderful new gf.

How would you feel about seeing that all over his fb?

 

I think as you had a somewhat bad breakup, he dumped you, and he has moved on and you do not really want him back, then I would not open this particular can of worms.

It could all just backfire on you spectacularly here and I guess you may be the one that is going to get even more hurt.

[pc31]

Background: My ex and I dated for 14 months before he dumped me exactly a year ago. He started dating this girl about 1.5 to 2 months after we broke up (10 months ago) and became official with her about 4 months ago. I don't know if they are still together or not. We have not met since the day he broke up with me. I have deleted him on all social media. However, we have exchanged a few emails, 100% initiated by him. I have always been cold and short in my answers to those emails.

 

A few days ago, he, once again, wrote to me. He said that one of his friends wanted to open a new business and asked him if he knew somebody who could give the friend some advise. My ex thought I would be a good person for this friend to talk to (because frankly speaking, I am slaying in what i do), so my ex asked if i would be willing to talk to this friend. I haven't replied to this.

 

About 10 months ago (2 months after the break up), he wrote to me to ask if i could help a friend of him to find a job in my industry. To which, I politely refused.

 

About 8 months ago, he wrote to ask if i would be interested in meeting his colleagues who were visiting from out of town together with him. (I met these colleagues once while we were still dating and made incredible impression because i am pretty successful and I made him look good.) But this time, I also said no and clearly stated that there was nothing in it for me to meet his colleagues. This email was written when he was on holiday.

 

About 2 months ago, he wrote another email to update me about his life. This email was written when he was on holiday in WITH HIS NEW GIRLFRIEND, although he did not mention her in the email at all.

 

Plus here and there, he sent short text messages to wish happy birthday, happy holidays, etc. To those messages, I simply replied, Thanks.

 

I don't think he understood how much pain he caused me when he dumped me, and I told him on the very day that he broke up with me that I would not be interested in being his friends, ever - either we are together or we are nothing... I am still single, and still somewhat resentful- i don't think I can ever forgive him because the whole relationship was very bad.

 

So my questions are:

- Why does he TRY to be friendly?? Is he guilty or what?

- Why does he keep asking me for favors when I have been cold and have refused him a few times?

- Any general advise/ comments/ talking senses about what my ex wants are welcomed.

- Lastly, I am actually quite interested in the friend that my ex mentioned in his most recent email. If there was nothing in it for me to meet his colleagues earlier, there is now actually something in it for me to meet, or at least be in touch with, this friend. The business the friend wants to do sounds pretty interesting and could help my own business. But i don't like the fact that it involves my ex. So I am not sure how I should reply to my ex. Any suggestions?

 

Oh, and if it makes any difference, i am 29 and my ex is 36. Both have never married and have no children.

 

Thank you.

Edited March 3, 2017 by pc31

[Grathblagg]

- Lastly, I am actually quite interested in the friend that my ex mentioned in his most recent email. If there was nothing in it for me to meet his colleagues earlier, there is now actually something in it for me to meet, or at least be in touch with, this friend. The business the friend wants to do sounds pretty interesting and could help my own business. But i don't like the fact that it involves my ex. So I am not sure how I should reply to my ex. Any suggestions?

 

 

Thank you.

 

My opinion presumes that he's in a relationship with someone to one degree or another. You must find that out, one way or another, in order to gauge the situation that you're getting yourself into.

 

If he is in a relationship, he is probably trying to make you Plan B. He could feel guilty as well. Either way, odds are, his behavior is probably self-serving, or he would have been more contrite in his dealings with you.

 

If there is a business interest in meeting with the friend of your ex, I don't see why you shouldn't. Just remember that it could be construed as him doing you a favor, and he may very well see it that way. On the other hand, he may be doing his friend a favor as well. Traditionally, favors = debt to one degree or another.

 

In order to gain from a potential business contact, without having the untidy situation of having to deal with your ex on a long-term basis, you must be ruthless. It is quite possible that your ex is attempting to keep you within arms reach for reasons that are probably obvious to many here. A certain amount of ruthlessness is needed in order to secure the business interest while staying out of arms reach. It should be easy enough for you to do, IF your ex is in a relationship.

 

The possibility that he is texting and maintaining contact with you while he is in a relationship could put him on questionable moral ground, and that can easily be used as a convenient barrier to further contact after you have achieved your goal, long enough so that you may, once again, smoothly go back to the status quo.

 

Normally, you would be on questionable moral ground yourself by employing such a tactic, but if your ex is in a relationship, and yet, is still trying to keep you around to one degree or another it opens him up to some measure of intrigue, which you could naturally exploit to your advantage.

 

If he is not in a relationship, then you may still exploit the situation, but you must decide for yourself if your honor system allows that, based on, but not limited to, his behavior towards you in the past.

Edited March 3, 2017 by Grathblagg

[Ieris]

Lastly, I am actually quite interested in the friend that my ex mentioned in his most recent email. If there was nothing in it for me to meet his colleagues earlier, there is now actually something in it for me to meet, or at least be in touch with, this friend. The business the friend wants to do sounds pretty interesting and could help my own business. But i don't like the fact that it involves my ex. So I am not sure how I should reply to my ex. Any suggestions?

 

I wouldn't waste my time trying to figure out what your ex is doing and focus on the friend instead. Reply to the email and ask for the friend to get in touch, then you can cut out the middle man once you've got direct contact with the friend.

[preraph]

He just sounds like he is able to keep you as a contact because he is not all hurt and everything. He is networking with you. If you don't like it, block him.

[Ronni_W]

He said that one of his friends wanted to open a new business and asked him if he knew somebody who could give the friend some advise.

This makes it sound like your ex's friend is just looking for some free advice/consulting work. I would want to make sure - from the friend directly - that there is actually a

real potential for you to receive the kinds of benefits and business opportunities that you would want out of the deal.

 

- Why does he keep asking me for favors

To keep you on his leash.

The good news is that you don't have to stay on it - block him from this email account, as well, and every other remaining point of contact.

[pc31]

So.. I have replied to my ex's email, simply saying that he can share my email with his friend and have his friend email me. No reply from my ex after that. That was a week ago. I still have not heard anything from the friend.

 

What do I do? Do I reach out to ask why I still haven't heard from the friend? I am truly interested in talking to the friend about his business.

[pc31]

Anyone with suggestions? Should i write to my ex to ask about the friend?

[Purepony]

Your ex sounds like a guy with issues

Maybe you should just call him up and ask him ?

[pc31]

Your ex sounds like a guy with issues

 

what kind of issues?? what are you implying? why do you think so?

[pc31]

So I just want to write things down so that I don't go crazy and so that I will stop thinking about writing to my ex.

 

My ex dumped me a year ago and he now has a girlfriend while i am still single. We have essentially stopped talking for months now, so I don't even know why i am still thinking about him so often; and every time something related to him comes up, it bothers me...

 

A month or so ago, he wrote to ask me if i would be willing to speak to his friend who is looking for some business advise. I was indeed interested in the friend's business so i replied very briefly that i would be open to talk to the friend. Then the friend contacted me directly and now the friend and i have set up a meeting.

 

From looking up on linkedin, i learned that the friend is actually very senior in his company. Somehow this took me aback.

 

My ex told me that the friend was his elementary school mate, so I already knew that they were the same age. And I also knew that my ex was much older than me (37 vs. 29). But somehow during the whole 1+ year of dating my ex, i never thought of him as being more seasoned, more experienced, or more senior than i am in term of professional accomplishment and progression. I felt pretty equal, or even ahead of my ex...

 

So when my ex said classmate, i didn't fully register how seasoned this friend really is.. and so now suddenly i'm worried / stressed about the meeting. It feels almost like an interview somehow.. what if i sound STUPID in front of this really senior guy??? The friend might end up telling my ex how stupid i am if i don't perform well during our business meeting.......

 

At the same time, I am now also questioning my judgement of my ex. I didn't think he was very smart or successful - that was one of the reasons why he dumped me, which i understand and i can't really blame him to be honest.... At some point in the past, my ex did say he did average among his group of friends. But clearly his friend (and other friends) are very accomplished. So maybe i have been wrong about my ex all along? Maybe he is secretly accomplished and i was stupid and unaware? I'm confused. My ex's having an OK job. But in my opinion, his level of achievement is right for people who are around 28-31 years old. For a 37 years old, I have very different expectations and in my opinion, he is clearly a under performer for 37 years old........ I know I sound arrogant, but I am unapologetic about this. My ex and I are definitely not a good match, and i don't regret about the break up per se. I'm just suddenly feel confused about my judgement -- was my assessment wrong? I don't like being wrong i guess. I have always been an ultra competitive and high achieving person. Most of MY friends AND myself reach management level around 28 years old. My ex didn't reach 1st management role until 34... that's a 6 years behind in my opinion. argh.

 

I don't know exactly what is bothering me. I'm nervous about my performance during the meeting with the senior friend. I feel caught off guard as I didn't expect my ex's friends could be so accomplished and senior. I am confused about my earlier assessment of my ex, and I don't like being wrong. If i were in fact wrong, I wonder if i would regret the break up? Basically I'm very confused suddenly..

 

Just want to write those thoughts down. Everyone feels free to comment.. Thanks.

Edited March 22, 2017 by pc31

[springy]

You are correct - you do sound arrogant.

 

Assessment of what? If he was worthy of being with someone of your caliber? I was fully expecting to read that you didn't assess his character correctly...but instead you go into his job title and 'slow' progression. Good for you and your friends, so accomplished in life at such an early age. I would suggest that you go a little bit deeper into someone's character rather than their title in the workplace; there is so much more to a man than his career and we all grow and progress at different rates. And from the sounds of it he is actually doing quite well. Do you intend to 'compete' with your significant other?

 

The breakup was a good thing. You felt you were out of his league by the sounds of it. This is not an attempt to insult you - I'm just saying go a little deeper or you may find that what/who you end up with loses on every other level of their being because you were assessing the wrong things. I didn't read your previous threads so please forgive me if I have misinterpreted your post. Glad you were able to get some things off your chest.

 

EDIT: Just glanced over your other threads. It seems your ex is trying to keep it cordial, almost business like between the two of you. I don't see any indication from what you write that he's stringing you along in anyway. If the 'friendship' route is not what you want then cut him off entirely. What did this guy do that was so awful? You never say exactly what it was, aside from him picking a life long dream over his career (which I can tell from your tone in this thread would be a real deal breaker for you). Maybe you are just upset that he has moved on and you are still single. Stop talking to him altogether so you can let go of that anger and move on. Unresolved resentment has a way of showing up on your face, in your behavior and interactions with others - and could drive a potentially good fit for you away. And why post in Second Chances? What's really going on here?

Edited March 22, 2017 by springy

[SevenCity]

Yea you sound like you assess someone's worth due to their career accomplishments and you feel like you made a mistake and that he was in fact "good enough" for you. Now it sounds like the breakup hurts you more.

 

You would be better served by judging someone on how they treat you and make you feel.

 

Yes, you do sound arrogant. Anyone can lose their job at the drop of a hat. It's the person inside you want to know - not what they do for a living.

[pc31]

Thank you for your comment. I find your post very reasonable.

 

What did this guy do that was so awful?

 

The guy was not awful. The relationship was awful.

We were not compatible intellectually. And perhaps unintentionally, he was disrespectful towards me many times by falling asleep when i talked. I felt lonely most of the time in the relationship because I couldn't seem to talk to him... Everything business, economy or international affair -related was off the table as conversation topics because he wasn't interested... And every time I wanted to have a conversation about life values and life philosophies, he fell asleep. I put up with him because I was so attached, and because being 29 years old, i wanted to get married.... But I guess the frustration did show in my attitude. Although he was the one who broke up with me, sometimes I kind of think that he actually just did the "dirty work" for me...

 

Still, I am bitter because i tried really hard and it didn't work. Perhaps it is my ego that was hurt. I am bitter because he gave up before i did. I am bitter because the new girlfriend didn't measure up to me in my shape or form. But who knows, because she is so young and simple and unaccomplished, she might be a better match for him........ this makes me sad.

 

 

And why post in Second Chances? What's really going on here?

 

Well, I'm still single, and it has been a year. He might have changed. I haven't spoken to him for a year. Recently he was assigned a new role and perhaps that improved his experience and knowledge and worldview a little bit. Judging from the fact that he still emails me multiple times, it seems like he is highly interested in being my friend for whatever reason. It means that I have a small chance in rekindling things.

 

I've been out dating but nothing really stuck. So I mean, why not give this another chance? I'm just exploring all options since I am single... and partially because the sex was quite good *cough*

 

I'm not sure about the situation with his new girlfriend but he has never mentioned her to me in any of his email and they only became official after i blocked him off from all social media, so technically i'm not supposed to know about her anyway.. Sigh, i don't know. The confusion lately about his capability (it's not so much about his accomplishment, but it IS about his capability) makes me question if a second chance is worth it.

[springy]

I think that what you mention in your first paragraph does make it sound as if you just aren't compatible. He has interests that are not in line with yours and I doubt any of that has changed. You will find it difficult to get over him while still maintaining contact. As for the new girl not measuring up to you, remember that is by your standards, not his. She may worship the ground he walks on, she may talk about things that he finds interesting, they may be more compatible so from the outside looking in that's kind of an unfair judgement. Her resume may not look as good as yours, she may be less intellectual, but she surely has other characteristics that he finds attractive. There's nothing wrong with being more simple, it's just not what suits you in a partner.

 

I am a strong advocate for complete and total NC to get over someone, but it sounds like that may not be what you are looking for here. I think if you got back together you would find the same incompatibilities and find yourself broken up again. It is unlikely that, at 37 years of age, he suddenly has interest in chatting about business, economics, international affairs, philosophy or life values. I think you would just be frustrated all over again. I do believe you might be further along in your healing if you would completely disengage from him, but that of course is up to you.

[pc31]

You know the ****ty thing is that i still SMILE every time i receive his emails... like, 2 minutes ago. Er, i am putting that on hold for now and won't reply for a while.

 

OMG There is always something nice and friendly and kind in all of his emails, at least I think so. He really has a kind heart, and i find that very endearing.. but we are not intellectually compatible. SIGH.

 

It was extremely frustrating for me because I couldn't talk to him. I did talk to him about this. And it was frustrating for him because he didn't think I respected him, which was probably right to a certain extent. I feel that we both tried really hard :s

 

Supposedly that we want to get back together, what are some solutions in this case??

[pc31]

Anyone has any comment?

[pc31]

It is the first time in a year that I finally admit to myself that i want my ex boyfriend back. We were together for 14 months before breaking up.

 

Exactly a year ago, he dumped me, technically; but I think it was more of a mutual decision and he just did the dirty work for both of us. During the 1 year apart, he initiated 4 emails, several text messages, and commented on my FB posts several times (before i blocked him). I had always been quite cold in my reply and even ignored him a few times because I wanted to move on. The content of those messages from him are basically just friendly. He has never asked me back or said he missed me or wanted to meet me or anything. However, in all 4 emails, he always brought up happy memories one way or another (For example, Do you remember that time we went to eat sushi together..? Do you remember that time when we hanged out with my colleagues...? etc.)

 

Around 4 months ago, he got a new girlfriend. I think they started dating quite early after our break up, but only became exclusive after I blocked him on social media (ie 4 months ago). I don't know if they are together or not as I have deleted him in all social media and he has never brought her up in his emails or other messages. Technically I am not supposed to know about her (but i do through other sources)

 

A month ago, he started our latest email chain to ask me for some small help. As usual I replied coldly. And he then replied to my email, and the email chain went on for about 10 exchanges. In his latest email which was 2 days ago, he once again brought up a happy memory!! He essentially said he still remembered how I talked and how used certain word choices, etc.

 

For some reason, this email magically put a big smile on my face, and it suddenly made me realize that I cannot fight my feeling anymore: I still like him and care for him A LOT. And for the first time in a year, I admit to myself that I do want him back. In the last 2 days, I caught myself fantasize (both day and night dreaming) about having hot sex with him..... >">

 

I understand that he might still be with his new girlfriend... but still, I want him back. Actually I don't even know if we will work out in the long term or not, I just REALLY want to give it another try.

 

Any suggestions please? I still have not replied to the email he sent 2 days ago. What are the steps that I need to do? Please help!!

Edited March 24, 2017 by pc31

[Redhead14]

[]

 

When you are driving, never look in your rearview mirror for long . . . when you do that you either crash into what's in front of you or you don't see it at all . . .

Edited March 24, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
redacted quote of immediately preceding post ~6

[pc31]

Is there a way to find out if he is still with the new girlfriend without having to ask him directly?! There seems to be no trace on their social media.. but then again im not connected with them so maybe i cant see private posts.. gah!!!

[Redhead14]

pc31, you are beginning to sound like the Crazy Ex. This thread has gone on for 4 pages and everyone is telling you to let this go. And you keep going around in circles and ignoring the advice you've been given. If he wanted to be with you, you would know it.

 

Get focused on you and your own life before you wake up someday and wonder how this part of your life has passed you by. That is what happens when someone focuses on the past, that they have no control over, and isn't paying attention to what's going on around them and enjoying their life.

 

Block and delete him on every social venue you can. And, don't stalk his social media either. Give yourself a break.